


Free (Sequel to Through The Dark)

by Just4H



Category: Harry Styles - Fandom, One Direction (Band), niall horan - Fandom
Genre: 1d, ChickLit, F/M, Romance, mature - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-14
Updated: 2019-02-04
Packaged: 2019-06-10 08:34:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 86
Words: 331,953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15287787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Just4H/pseuds/Just4H
Summary: Continuation from Through The Dark....Now that JJ is finally free from her dark and painful past, now that she's finally dealing with getting over her fears, how will her relationships grow or change?  How will accepting and moving on from her past, affect her present and her future?How will Amanda and Niall's relationship grow and will their stability remain?Will Niall and Amanda's journey help JJ and Harry?Let's find out through the journey of FREE.....





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for giving the sequel to Through The Dark a go!!

**This is the sequel to Through The Dark....if you've come from reading that you have no idea how thankful I am!  If you haven't read that yet, you may want to before you start here....**

Six months had passed since Julie's final run in with Johnny in Vegas.So many changes had occurred since the day she'd finally stood up for herself and stopped letting him control her life.She had taken control.She had stopped being so scared of every action.Life had gotten a little crazy for a while, especially on social media when it was no longer a secret she was with Harry.She had turned all her accounts private and never went online searching for anything.One Direction had finished their last tour and had decided to take a hiatus at the end of the year.It was now November.Time had been moving pretty quickly.Julie's life had completely altered since that fateful day, yet she felt she was still finding her way.

 

Julie walked out of the restaurant inside the Beverly Hills Hotel clutching her notebook closely.She was deep in thought when she heard a familiar voice say her name.Well, it said "JJ".There were still only a few people who called her JJ.She shook her head when she heard it again.She recognized it immediately."Zayn?"She turned around, and sure enough, it was him.

 

"What are you doing here?"Zayn asked walking up to her."And what've you got that notebook for?"He tapped the notebook held tightly to her.He'd never forgotten what he had read in it so long ago.

 

"I, uh, I had a meeting here. They wanted to meet in the restaurant."She said."What are you doing here?"

 

"Oh, I'm staying here for now.Until I figure things out."He took a chance and gave her a quick hug."It's good to see you.You look great.So, what was this meeting about?"

 

"Zayn." Julie started to say.

 

"Yeah, I get it.But come on.We can't talk?Just a bit?"He said. He understood the complication, but it was just an innocent conversation.

 

"I met with someone to see if some of my writings could be used for songs."She said.She wasn't sure why she blurted it out.She hadn't told anyone yet.Maybe because Zayn wasn't a part of her circle anymore she felt a little more comfortable.

 

"Really?That's great!"He said.He had only read a brief bit of some of her writing, but that was exactly what he'd thought, and hoped for, when he did.

 

"Yeah, not so much.They want to hear something with music.And well, I'm not quite able to get there.That's not my thing.I know nothing about writing the music part."She said.

 

"Well, your boyfriend could help with that.In fact, I'm well aware he's very good at it."Zayn commented.He glanced at her."He doesn't know, does he?"

 

"No, he doesn't know."Julie replied giving him a look.And then, it was like she went right back to that day a couple of months ago.It all seemed like it was happening all over again.She had just arrived to the hotel.Harry was touring the East Coast of the US, and she had gone to meet him.She walked in when he opened the door and gave him a kiss.She knew right away something wasn't right.

 

"Harry, what's wrong?"She asked him.

 

"You know Amanda got here yesterday, right?"He asked her.

 

"Yes, I'm aware of that."She looked up at him."You're seriously mad about that?"

 

"She said you weren't working last night, so why weren't you able to come?I mean I haven't seen you in so long, and you just avoid coming to see me and won't tell me why?"He asked.Julie had become so different since the time she'd confronted Johnny.She seemed like she didn't need him as much.While he seemed to need her more.

 

"I had some things to take care of.Amanda and I are two different people, Harry."She said walking up to him.

 

"But you won't tell me what."He said stepping back and going to sit on the couch.

 

She sighed."I told you. It's just something I need to take care of by myself.I told you I would tell you when the time was right."

 

"How can the time not be right?Why are you keeping secrets?"He asked her.Her reluctance to share what she was doing was really bothering him.

 

"It's not really a secret."She took a deep breath."It's just something I'm trying to do on my own.Please, just understand for a little bit longer."

 

"Understand what?That you're secretive?That you can't trust me with whatever it is you think you need to do on your own?"He asked her.

 

"Come on, Harry.It's not that big of a deal."She said.

 

He moved on.She obviously wasn't going to give him anything on this."Do you know that Niall asked Amanda to move in with him when the tour is over?"

 

"Yes, Harry.Amanda told me."She said.She leaned back against the counter.He was definitely in a mood.This could be quite the complicated day.

 

"And?"He asked her.

 

"And what, Harry?"She was confused again.

 

"What does that mean for us?"He asked.

 

"What?It has nothing to do with us."She shook her head."I mean, I guess it will as I'm going to have to find a new apartment.I can't stay in the apartment we're in by myself.I won't be able to afford it; plus, it's way too big for just me."

 

"That's what I mean.Shouldn't we talk about that?"He stood up.

 

"Talk about what?Me finding a new apartment?Sure, if you want.If I haven't found one by the time you're done with tour, you can help me."She kind of threw her hands out to the side."What are you getting at?"

 

"Should we talk about you moving in with me?"He asked her.

 

"What?Why?"She asked him.

 

"Well, if they're moving in together, don't you think maybe it's time that we talk about it?I mean, since you have to move out anyway?"Harry asked her.He was surprised it wasn't obvious to her.

 

"No.I don't think it's something we need to talk about.We aren't them, Harry.They have always gotten to things a little quicker than we have.And that's ok."She said to him.She really wasn't expecting this from him.

 

"I know we aren't them.But I can't even believe you haven't even given it a thought."He said.

 

"Have you asked me to move in with you?"She asked him.When he just looked at her, she continued."Yeah, that's what I thought. So why are we even having this discussion?Just because they move in with each other doesn't mean we have to.We don't have to do everything they do just because we've been together almost as long as them."

 

"So, you wouldn't even consider it, if I asked?"He said.

 

"Harry, if we were ready, then it would have come about the right way.You would have asked, or we would have discussed it.Not sitting here talking about it because Niall asked Amanda first."She said.What was going on?She was starting to get frustrated.

 

"So, we're just stuck?Not moving forward?What's the point?"He asked her.

 

"What's wrong with what we have now?I didn't know there was a problem with the way it was."She said."What is going on with you?"

 

"Just seems like if we're not moving forwards then something's wrong."He said.

 

"Why does it have to be wrong?We're together.We're happy.We have each other.We've been doing really well with seeing each other when we can."Julie was not sure when this became such an issue for him.

 

"Sure, if you say so.It's been so great spending so much time apart."Harry countered.

 

"That's not what I said, Harry.But we knew it was going to happen.We knew there would be time apart while you were on tour. We knew this was how it was going to be.We've dealt with it."She said.

 

"Dealt with it?When it's time to come, you just decide to put it off another day.Or go home earlier than you need to."Harry bit out.

 

"I left once, 12 hours early, Harry, and I just needed a little extra time this time.You're exaggerating just a bit now."Julie could feel her tension mounting.

 

"No, I'm not.You're different.Ever since Vegas, and ever since you stood up to Johnny, you're not the same.You don't need me like you used to."He grumbled.He didn't mean for it to come out like that.But it was too late to take it back now.

 

"What?Of course, I'm different.I'm not scared every second of every day anymore.So yeah, I guess I don't need you in the same way I did before.But wasn't that the point of all of this?Isn't that what you wanted?For me to be able to get over my past, for me to be able to accept that it didn't have to rule my life?For me to heal and became strong enough to do for myself?"She asked him.

 

"Yes, but the point wasn't for you to pull away from me completely.The point wasn't for you to go off and leave me behind."He said.

 

"What?!"She exclaimed exasperated."That's not even happening.I've just made some decisions on my own.I don't have to come to you for every little thing.Shouldn't that be good?You don't have to worry that I can't handle things."

 

"I didn't mind you actually needing me.Made me feel like I actually mattered."His voice getting low.

 

"Oh my god, Harry!"She burst out."I don't NEED you as much.But I WANT you.That should be better, shouldn't it?"

 

"Are you sure about that?"He questioned her.Things had changed so much.Julie had healed.She had gotten stronger.She was able to take actions that she wasn't able to before.She didn't need him as much, and he was sort of uncomfortable with that.

 

"Of course, I am.I was right, wasn't I?It's that damn knight complex.You needed me to need you.And now that I don't as much, it's just not the same.You didn't really want me to heal, did you?"She queried him.

 

"What?Of course, I did.Why would you think I wouldn't want you to heal?"He asked her.

 

"Because now I don't need you like I used to.Now, I can do things on my own, and you think that means what, exactly?That now I don't want you?"She asked him."I mean, seriously?"

 

"Well, sure seems that way.Sure, seems you're pushing me out."He said.

 

"That's not true!"She sighed."Why are we fighting over this?Seriously?You didn't ask me to move in with you.I never suggested it was needed.It's Amanda and Niall.We don't have to do what they do, Harry."She walked up to him and put her hands on his stomach."Let's not fight over this.Things are good.We're good."

 

"Are we?"He looked down at her.He hated questioning her, but it just seemed like she wasn't in it like she was before.

 

"Well, I thought so."She backed up from him."But obviously, I was wrong."

 

"You're just so different."He said to her.

 

"Again, of course I am.I'm free, of Johnny and that control he had over me for five years.I can't be the same after everything I've gone through.But I have never once said anything other than it was because of you that I've changed, that I've grown, that I've been able to overcome this.Why would you think that I wasn't in this?"Julie felt confused by his assumption.

 

"Because, as I've said, you don't need me.You say you want me, but you once again don't stay as long as you can, you don't come as soon as you can, and you're keeping secrets from me.You don't want to move forward in our relationship.So, what am I supposed to think?"He asked her.

 

"Jesus Christ, Harry.If Niall wouldn't have asked Amanda to move in with him, would you have asked me to move in with you?"She waited for him to answer, but he didn't."Yeah, exactly.Stop trying to put us in a relationship like theirs.Just because they are ready and they want to move in together doesn't mean we have to do the same thing.Doesn't mean our relationship isn't just as good.It's just OURS, not theirs."

 

"It's been a year.And it feels like we were closer before. Shouldn't we feel closer now?"He sounded plaintive, even to his own ears.

 

"I didn't know we didn't.I don't understand where all of this is coming from.Like what is the problem exactly?This seems to be coming out of nowhere."Julie shook her head.She was starting to get uncomfortable.

 

"Nowhere?I've been asking you to come see me for a while.Then you agreed, and then you push it off another day.We barely talk.Doesn't seem to be getting closer to me."Harry said.

 

"It's not just my fault.I have to work.I have to sleep.When we can't find more than a few minutes a day, it's not just on me.You're busy too.I call, and you don't answer.Don't know why all of a sudden, it's completely my fault.You're the one that's gone all the time.I'm in LA.I don't go all over the world.Only to see you."Julie said pursing her lips.

 

"And there it is.See you are bothered too.That I'm out on tour.That I'm not around."He said.

 

"Of course, I'd rather have you around.I mean, it's not like I don't accept this.But all of a sudden, I'm getting all this blame for something I didn't even know was wrong."She looked up at him."What are you getting at?"She didn't even want to ask this question.

 

Harry just stared at her.Same red lips, same blue eyes, same beautiful face.But stronger, more determined, less doubt.Julie was standing there saying she wanted him, that she still needed him, so why did this feel like it was too different?He didn't understand really what was going on either.He needed her.He needed her more than he wanted to admit, and the fact she seemed to not need him as much scared him.Why had the tables turned so drastically?"Maybe, we need a break."He said.He hadn't really planned on saying it.But he'd said it.He felt horrible when he saw the look on her face.

 

"Break?We need a break?"She struggled to catch her breath."You're breaking up with me?"

 

"Julie, I just, I think things have changed."His words catching in his throat.

 

"I know they have!But we hadn't!At least I didn't think so!But apparently, I was wrong!"She cried out."Was this the plan?You got me out here to break up with me?"

 

"No, I didn't plan it.I just, I don't know.I just can't stand that we're completely at a standstill."Harry sighed.

 

"You keep saying that, but it makes no sense!"Julie couldn't believe this was happening."You're breaking up with me because I'm stronger, because I'm finally ME!Because I no longer have to count on you for EVERYTHING!That's what you always said you wanted.And now that I've finally done it, for ME!Then, it gets me this?!Because I don't want to move in with you, because you now think it's an obligation because Amanda's moving in with Niall?"She shook her head.

 

"I'm sorry.I don't think you realize how sorry."He looked at her.His heart was breaking.His heart hurt so bad, but he couldn't stand needing her this much when it felt like she was pulling away.

 

"So, you've decided to take a hiatus from One Direction after this tour.You decide to FINALLY stop touring the world nine months out of the year.You will finally have a schedule that means we can see each other for more than a few days at a time, and NOW, NOW you want to break up with me?"She put her forehead in her hands.She couldn't stop the tears.She stepped back when he went to reach for her."Stop!You had that chance when I first got here.I can't believe you waited until I traveled all the way out here for this!"

 

"I didn't plan this.And I sure wouldn't have done it over the phone."He sighed realizing that hadn't come out right."Julie, I just don't know...."

 

"Now you don't know!?"She wiped her eyes quickly and walked to her bag."So, you're breaking up with me because I'm not pressuring you to let me move in with you because Amanda's moving in with Niall.Or because I'm too much of a person for you now instead of just being a needy existence."She picked up her bag and put it over her shoulder."I guess we're now going to see just how strong I am, aren't we?"

 

"I'm sorry."He said quietly.Maybe this was for the best.He was way too attached, and she wasn't anymore.At least not in his eyes.He had decided that she was pulling back from him to end it with him, so he was just going to do it first."Maybe, it's just for the best.For both of us."

 

"Nice of you to decide what's best for me.Only I can do that.And this would not be it!"She walked to the door and put her hand on the knob."You know the worst part about this?I woke up happy, in a relationship, ready to see the man I am deeply in love with, and I'm going home hours later, hurt, and sad, and single," she looked up at him, tears running down her face, emotion clouding her voice."Yet still so deeply in love." She ended softly and opened the door and walked out.She could hardly see through her tears. She could hardly make her way down the hallway, but she needed to go.She needed to get away.She thought about calling Amanda and Niall, but she couldn't.She wouldn't know how to tell them, and she didn't want to ruin their few days they had together.No, they could find out later.She walked out of the hotel and hailed a cab back to the airport and flew back home to LA.

 

"JJ?JJ?"Zayn said."You ok?You kind of left me there for a minute."

 

She looked at Zayn as a tear rolled onto her cheek."Yeah, sorry, just, remembering something.Harry and I aren't together.We broke up a couple of months ago."Two days before her 25th birthday.She was really beginning to hate birthdays.

 

"What?You're not together anymore?"He asked surprised.He was very surprised.Harry and Julie had seemed so good together.

 

"That's what I said, Zayn."Harry had thought she was hiding something from him.This was it.She was working on getting her writing out into the world.She wanted it to be a surprise.She wanted to do it herself without relying on him.She wanted to prove to herself and to Harry that she could do it on her own.

 

"I'm sorry. I know I don't have the right to ask.I just didn't think that would happen."He put his hands on her arms."I'm so sorry."He hugged her."Well, Amanda and Niall are still together, right?"When she nodded at him, he continued."So, why not ask Niall?"

 

She was staying with Amanda and Niall at the moment.Things hadn't gone so well after Harry had broken up with her.She had been devastated.She couldn't even bother with finding herself an apartment.She really needed to get to it though."Because, I don't want to cause any issues with anyone.No one knows, Zayn.Not even Amanda or Niall.I wanted to do this myself.That was the whole point of this.But now I just don't think it's possible."When she and Harry had broken up, she'd stopped working on everything in regards to her writing.She worked as much as she could, and she went home and she slept.This was her first meeting since then.

 

"Let me help."When Julie started to protest, Zayn stopped her."Look if you're not comfortable with me doing it, at least let me give you some names.JJ, come on.I've seen just a small portion of what you've written, and it's great. I can only imagine what's hiding in there."

 

"Zayn, I'm still good friends with Niall.And Louis and Liam.I just don't think it's such a good idea."She said.

 

"I get that I'm not all that popular with some of your friends, but I'm sure they would want you to succeed."He said.

 

"I know they would.I don't necessarily agree with how you did things either.You know I get you probably as much as anyone, but I believe there are ways you could have done it differently."She said."I know it's not my place, but watching my friends go through the aftermath, it's just hard to justify taking your help, knowing it could hurt them."She looked him."I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything."

 

"No, it's fine.Just a couple names.That's all.I really would help you myself, but I get if that's too much.Let me have your number, and I will talk to a few people and have them call you."He shrugged."C'mon JJ, it wouldn't hurt anything."

 

"How'd you know I had a different number?"She asked as she scribbled her number on a piece of paper.She had to have it changed after she and Harry came out publicly.Her number had been found out, and she was getting all sorts of unwanted calls and messages.

 

"I tried calling and texting a couple of times.You know, just to make sure you were ok."He admitted.He walked with her towards the door.He opened it for her, and they walked outside."Where's your car?"He asked.

 

"I took the bus."She said."There's a stop down the street not too far."

 

"Let me give you a ride."He nodded to the car at the curb.When she hesitated, he opened the car door."I won't take you directly to Niall's.I'll drop you a couple of blocks away."

 

Julie looked around and saw some fans and paps coming up having recognized Zayn. She decided it was probably best to get out of sight.She stepped towards the car.She felt Zayn's hand on her back helping her in before he walked to the other side and climbed in.

 

"You really could let me help you."He said to her as they started to drive toward Hollywood Hills."Just think about it, ok?"He handed her his number."Call me or message me if you change your mind."

 

Julie nodded.It would be nice to have some help.She just wasn't sure he was the right person to ask.She promised Zayn that she would think about it and thanked him for the ride.She got out a few blocks from Niall's and walked the rest of the way home.

 


	2. Chapter 2

A few days later, Amanda opened the door when the bell rang and was surprised to see Harry standing there.  "What are you doing here?"  She had tried to be neutral when it came to him and JJ breaking up, for Niall's sake, but she still wasn't over it.  She hadn't gotten over being angry with him.  Amanda had found out the day after he'd broken up with JJ. She had discovered it when JJ called her from LA.  Of course, JJ wouldn't tell her when it happened so she didn't ruin her and Niall's time.  And JJ didn't want her to come back to LA to be with her right away either.  When she got home a few days later, she found JJ in her room, in bed, sobbing.  JJ looked like she had been crying the whole time.  It had been a rough few weeks.  JJ had come so far, and watching her retreat back into her shell was extremely hard for Amanda.  JJ reverted to how she had been before, working as much as she could and doing nothing else.  Amanda hated seeing her pull back,  but she understood.  JJ had been with Harry for almost a year and had known him for just over a year.  She loved him and then, out of nowhere, he had broken up with her.

 

"Hey, I came to get something from Niall."  He said.  "Can I come in?"  He asked as Amanda still hadn't stepped aside.

 

"I don't know if that's a good idea.  Can't I just get Niall for you?"  She asked.

 

"Let him in Amanda."  Niall said coming into the front room.

 

Amanda sighed and stepped aside.  "You know JJ's here right?"  She asked Niall.

 

"He knows she's staying here, Amanda."  Niall said walking over to the counter to get what Harry was picking up.

 

"But JJ's not going to expect him to be here."  Amanda said.

 

"Come on, Amanda.  I'm not here to cause any trouble.  I just needed to grab this from Niall."  He said holding up a bunch of papers.

 

"Panda!"  Julie called out walking out looking in her bag.  "Have you seen my phone?  I can't seem to find it."

 

"JJ."  Amanda said getting JJ's attention and nodding in Harry's direction.  "It's on the table by the door, by your keys."

 

Julie stopped in her tracks when she saw Harry.  It was the first time she had seen him in person since she'd left that hotel room months ago.  She shook her head to clear the shock of him standing in front of her.  "Thanks, I'm going out for a while."  She put her hand protectively over her side bag which held her notebook and some of the other things she was working on.

 

Harry looked at Julie.  He hadn't seen her in months.  He hadn't spoken to her in months.  He had tried to get some information out of Niall, but Niall wouldn't share anything other than that she was ok.  Amanda had advised Niall against relaying too much information.  Harry thought she looked good.  Some of her soft curves had returned.  Her eyes were bright blue again, and he noticed she did her make-up slightly different.  Very light, very natural.  He had always loved that about her.  The fact that she didn't try to hide behind tons of make-up.  He knew she was staying with Niall and Amanda now since she hadn't found an apartment when Amanda moved out.Amanda wouldn't let Julie live just anywhere. However, Harry hadn't expected that he would see her when he came.  He had figured Niall would tell Amanda that he was coming, and Amanda would warn Julie.  He didn't know what to say or, for that matter, if he should say anything.  He decided just to say a quick hello.  "Hey, how are you?"

 

"Yeah, this isn't happening."  Julie said as she walked to the table to grab her phone and keys.  "I will be back later, but I'm not sure when.  I will call to see if we still have company."  She said putting her phone and keys into her bag.

 

"I'm not staying, so don't worry."  Harry said.  He didn't know what he was expecting, but he hated the fact that she couldn't even act civilly with him.  He was still friends with Niall, and he thought he was with Amanda too.  Didn't Julie realize that their break up had been hard on him too?  When she walked out of that hotel room, he'd felt broken.  He wanted to go after her and tell her that he was sorry.  But he couldn't.  He couldn't get over that it felt like she was pulling away from him, that it was only a matter of time before she told him it was over.  He figured he'd just saved them some time.  He'd spent that night and the next day drowning his sorrows.  When he woke up the next morning and looked over at the other side of the bed, he couldn't believe she wasn't there.  He hoped it was a nightmare, but when she wasn't there, he'd realized he had actually done it.  Then his pride had gotten in the way.  He wasn't going to beg her to come back.  He had felt the way he felt, so he thought he needed to just go with it.  "Going to see Zayn again, are you?"  He asked her when she turned her back on him.  It just came out. He hadn't planned on bringing that up, but when she just turned away from him without acknowledging him, it came out.  Harry could feel himself tense up. It seemed he said a lot of things before thinking about them.  It got her attention though.  Maybe just not in the way he had hoped.

 

"Excuse me?"  She said as she turned towards him.

 

Harry looked at her standing there.  Fists clenched, jaw set, feet planted.  Shit.  Now what?  He started it, so he guess he had to finish it.  At least she was talking to him.  "I saw the pictures.Didn't take long for you to run to him, huh?"  Julie just stared at him.  He could tell she was trying really hard not to yell at him right now.

 

"What are you talking about, Harry?"  Amanda asked.  "Why would you think that?"

 

"You didn't see the pictures?  The ones of her and Zayn coming out of the Beverly Hills Hotel together?  Getting into his car?"  Harry countered.  He looked at Amanda and then back to Julie.

 

"You know what?"  Julie said.  Barely able to speak through her anger, she was seething.  "You gave up the right to worry about who I spend time with the moment you decided we weren't going to be together.  You have no right to question anything about my life."

 

"Just had to be him, right?"  Harry asked.  "Trying to get back at me, for ending it?"

 

"Honestly, I didn't think of you at all while I was with him."  She lied.  She had.  But she hadn't sought Zayn out, and she hadn't gone to him for comfort or to get back at Harry. But Harry didn't need to know that.  None of this was any of his business anyway.  She hadn't wanted the break up. He was the one who had taken himself out of her life and given up having any sort of say in her life.  There was no need for him to worry about anything when it came to her.

 

"Yeah, I'm sure.  You were probably thinking of him while you were with me, right?  All the way back to when he left.  I was right then too, wasn't I?  That's why it seemed like you weren't in it anymore."  Harry blurted out.  He was once again being an ass to her.  But it was Zayn.  Fucking Zayn.  He wouldn't have liked seeing her with anyone, but it just had to be Zayn.  "His comforting hand on your back, helping you into the car.  Saving you from the legions of fans and paparazzi.  Didn't seem to worry too much about being out and photographed with him.  Only took me a year to get you to be seen with me."

 

"Jesus fucking Christ.  I refuse to do this.  Grow the fuck up, Harry.  Get a fucking clue."  She couldn't take it anymore.  She turned and left.  Why?  Why today did he have to be there?  Why today did he have to show up and throw her whole world into chaos?  She wiped at her tears, angry that he could still get to her.  Fucking feelings.  Times like this made her wish that she'd never decided to accept those stupid feelings, admit them into her life.  If she hadn't done so, she wouldn't feel like her heart was shattered into a million pieces, yet again.

 

Amanda glared at Harry and then followed JJ out of the house.  "JJ!  Wait!"  She said.  She was rather surprised at what she had just heard from Harry.  "Is what he said true?"

 

Julie sighed.  "Yes, but I'm positive it's not what he's thinking, or what you're now thinking.  I didn't go anywhere intending on meeting Zayn.  We happened to be at the same place at the same time, and we bumped into each other.  I went to go to the bus stop; and paps and fans came at him, so he offered to give me a ride to get away from it.  Should have known someone would have gotten pictures.  But don't you go in there and tell Harry that.  First of all, because he wouldn't believe you anyway, and second, because it's none of his damn business."  She wiped her eyes again.

 

"Why were you at the Beverly Hills Hotel then?  I mean, I believe you, but it seems odd to be walking from a hotel with him."  Amanda said.

 

"So, you really don't believe me?  It doesn't matter.  Harry can believe whatever he wants, and you can believe what you want.  What does it matter anyway?"  She said.  She wanted to get out of here.  She hated this feeling.  Now Amanda was questioning her?  Really?

 

"JJ, I'm sorry.  Really.  It's just weird that you were there, and that you were with Zayn; and well, I guess I'm having a hard time with you not telling me much anymore."  Amanda said crossing her arms.  "I just feel like you're doing it on purpose."

 

"Oh Christ, not you now too?  Look, I don't want to cause any problems.  You're with Niall, Niall's still good friends with Harry. I'm trying really hard not to put anyone in the middle of this situation.  I'm trying to do something on my own.  I want to do something on my own.  I'm not keeping secrets.  I'm not pulling back from anyone.  Go look up the pictures.  It's exactly how I said.  I was there. He's apparently staying there right now, and we ran into each other in the lobby.  That's it."

 

"Ok, I'm sorry.  Just seems this would have been a thing you would have told me before.  About running into Zayn." Amanda said to her.

 

"I probably would have.  But it's Zayn, and you're with Niall, and it just becomes complicated.  I'm not asking anyone to take sides, but I just feel like some things need to stay separate."  Julie said playing with her keys.  She was becoming really uncomfortable with this conversation.

 

"You can tell me anything.  I won't go running to Niall with everything, JJ.  You're still my best friend. I would never do that to you."  Amanda said.

 

"Panda, I know, but I don't want to put you in that situation.  You still know more than anyone when it comes to me.  It's just, complicated.  Not like we made a plan if one of us broke up with one of them."  Julie said.  She looked at the clock on her phone.  "Panda, I really need to go. I'm already late.  I'm sorry."

 

"Where are you going?"  When Julie just looked at her, she sighed.  "Yeah, none of my business, right?"  Amanda asked.

 

"It's not like that.  You know, I really wish people would stop thinking the worst of me because I'm trying to actually do something on my own.  I wish someone would just trust me that I will tell you when the time is right.  I don't think I've given anyone any reason to question that."  Julie said.  "I'll be back later.  I just don't know when."  She turned and walked down the street to the bus stop.  Niall had always told her that she could take a car whenever she needed, but she never wanted to accept his offer.  She and Amanda had never gotten another car after the accident.  They hadn't gone back to work for a while.Then Julie started working before Amanda, and she just took the bus.  She wasn't interested in driving anyway.  Maybe it was still the fear, but she could get anywhere in LA using public transportation, so she just did.

 

Amanda walked back into the house.  She looked at Niall and Harry standing there talking.  "Well, thanks for that, Harry.  As if things weren't tense enough with everyone.  I thought you were just coming to get something."

 

"I was. I did."  Harry said.

 

"Then you start shit.  She's right about one thing.  It's NONE of your business who she sees.  You lost the right to question anything about her life when you blindsided her with a breakup."  Amanda said.

 

"Amanda."  Niall said.  He didn't want things to go bad between her and Harry.  JJ had tried really hard to keep things separate so that no one had to choose a side.  He knew Amanda would always side with JJ, but he thought that she could still be friends with Harry.

 

"No, I'm sorry, but he was wrong.  And he needs to know it.  She loves you Harry, and you just took her heart and smashed it, right when she had just learned to show it.  It pisses me off.  It may not be exactly the same, but she's now back to keeping people at a distance.  That's your fault."  Amanda ground out.  She had kept quiet for months, but after he had shoved Zayn in JJ's face, she decided she wasn't going to be so nice anymore.  She wasn't going to play Switzerland.

 

"Loved, don't you mean?"  Harry said.

 

"You're so fucking stupid sometimes."  Amanda said throwing her hands in the air.

 

"Amanda!"  Niall scolded.  "Come on now."

 

"No, Niall.  Sorry.  But she even told him when she left that she was still in love with him.  I think that Harry needs to open his fucking eyes and see things for what they are.  It's his loss."  Amanda tossed over her shoulder as she walked out of the room.

 

"I'm sorry, Harry.  She shouldn't have said those things to you."  Niall said.

 

"No, it's ok.  I wouldn't expect anything less.  Not when it comes to Julie."  Harry wasn't going to admit that his heart was now even more crushed.  He was the one who ended it, so he couldn't expect Amanda to feel sorry for him.  He had his reasons, and Julie obviously was over him now, no matter what Amanda said.

 

"You really think JJ would have something going on with Zayn, Harry?"  Niall asked.  "I mean, I think maybe you could have presented that just a little bit better."

 

"Well, the picture showed him and her walking out of a hotel and him with his hand on her back while she got into the car.  What else am I supposed to think?"  He asked.

 

"So, you really think she's the kind of person would do something like that?"  Niall shook his head.  "Harry, you know you're my brother, right?  But right now, even I think that maybe you need to rethink some things."

 

"Doesn't matter now, does it?"  Harry said walking towards the door.  "We aren't together.  She doesn't seem to care how she hurts me."

 

"Harry, I hate to break it to you, but she's got a point.  You broke up with her, for reasons I don't quite understand, so really who she hangs out with, is sort of none of your business."  Niall said putting his hand on the door as Harry walked out. "And well, mate, you are the one who hurt her, remember?"

 

"But her fucking Zayn may just be a little cold don't you think?"  Harry asked him.

 

"You don't know she's fucking Zayn, Harry."  Niall said.  Harry really was reaching in his opinion.  He had stayed neutral between his and JJ's break up.  He loved them both.  But he thought Harry was totally crazy for the reasons he'd given for breaking up with Julie. Now Harry just seemed to be using whatever excuses he could to justify it.

 

"She didn't deny it."  Harry replied tersely.

 

"Of course, she didn't.  She wasn't going to give you the satisfaction.  Or she knew you wouldn't believe her anyway.  One of the two."  Niall sighed.  "I don't want to argue with you over this.  But maybe think of JJ; maybe think of how she really is instead of making things up in your head."  He waved as Harry got in his car and then shut the door.

 

Amanda came out as Niall stepped back into the living room.  "What are we going to do, Niall?"

 

"Nothing, Amanda.  We're going to let them do whatever they need to.  They may not end up back together, you know."  Niall said taking her hands.

 

Amanda just looked at him.  "We have to do something.  You don't really think she's messing around with Zayn, do you?"

 

"Amanda," Niall sighed.  "That's none of our business.  But I can't believe you would question her like that.  You still believe she loves Harry, right?"

 

"Yes, she admitted she even told him that when she left the hotel that horrible day he broke up with her.  I doubt that's changed."  She said.

 

"Then, do you really think she would mess around with Zayn when she is still in love with Harry?"  Niall asked.  He refused to believe that about JJ.  He would wait for any explanation she had before he jumped to conclusions.  Amanda and Harry both questioned her actions.  She wasn't the same as she was before.  But he seemed to be the only one who understood that.  He saw her struggle through her hurt and pain, but he also saw her determined and strong.  She wanted to do things for herself.  She wanted to make sure that she made things happen for herself.  He understood she was going to the extreme and not leaning on any of them right now, but it was new.  She believed FINALLY that she could do things for herself and take care of herself, so she wanted to do it.  He seemed to be the only one who got that right now.

 

"Women can do some irrational things when we're hurt, Niall.  And the heartache that JJ has been going through is the worst kind.  She loved him with everything she had. Still does, I wager. She opened her heart to him and gave it to him.  She didn't want to.  And then she does, for the first time, and he crushes it.  Why?  Because she asked him to be patient while she worked on something.  Look, I get it. I don't like that she's not telling me either, but I know how much she loved him.  How much she LOVES him."  Amanda said.

 

"Then don't question her, Amanda.  Believe she knows what she's doing.  And even if she doesn't, be there anyway."  Niall said kissing her.

 

"You, my boyfriend, are way too good sometimes."  Amanda said snuggling close to him.  "I'm so glad I have you.  I'm so glad that you let JJ stay here."

 

"I would never leave her without a place to stay.  She can stay as long as she needs to, you know that."  He kissed Amanda.  "She's our friend.  No matter what happens with her and Harry."

 

Harry started driving back to his place in LA.  He felt blindsided. He didn't know what to think right now.  Seeing her again in person took his breath away.  He remembered everything they had gone through in just under the year they'd been together.  The ups and downs, the good and the bad.  Every breakdown and every make up.  He hadn't known what would happen when he saw her again.  At first all he could think of was taking her in his arms.  But then the pictures with Zayn came back to his mind.  Why would she be coming out of a hotel with him?  There only could be one explanation, right?  And then getting into his car.  His hand positioned perfectly on her lower back.  There was nothing else it could be.  Why the fuck would she do that to him?  Did she plan it?  Was he supposed to see it?  He knew it.  He was right to question her back when Zayn left the band.  This just proves he was right.  No wonder Zayn and Perrie broke up.  Julie had probably run right to Zayn when she'd left him in the hotel on the East Coast.  He slammed his hand into the steering wheel.  So many scenarios ran through his mind.  Each one a little more extreme than the last.  Julie had told him that he had no right to wonder.  She'd told him who she saw was none of his business.  That was confirmation right there, in his mind, that something was going on between her and Zayn.  Why should he care?  He broke up with her, right?  So, why care?  Why did it matter?  But it did.  It was fucking bullshit.  She did it to hurt him.  Well, if she wanted to play fucking games.  Let her.  He didn't have to sit home and sulk either.  He had other options too.


	3. Chapter 3

Julie walked into the studio and sat down in the chair.  The producers Zayn had set her up with were already there listening back to what they had done the past few days.  She was still amazed that the lyrics she had written were playing over the speakers.  Not only her lyrics, but they also had her record the demo.  Her.  She had sung her own words on tape.  She knew it was nothing like a real singer could do it, but she was surprised that it didn't sound half bad.  They had recorded four songs in three days, and she was tired. But it was worth it.  She hoped something would get picked up.  The producers were going to send samples out to a few labels and see if there was anyone interested.  It was such an exciting time.  They had worked out a few more details and sounds on the songs and were just about to wrap up when Julie heard Zayn's voice.  She turned and looked at him.  "What are you doing here?"

 

"They told me they were finishing up here with you today, so I wanted to come and see how it went.  And?"  He asked.

 

She couldn't help but smile.  "It went well.  It actually went really well.  These guys are amazing.  And so kind and helpful.  I can't thank you enough."  She replied.  Her smile wouldn't leave.  It had been a long time since she had felt she'd even been able to smile.  She had done this.  With just a tiny bit of help.  Just some names.

 

"I didn't do anything accept ask a few people to give it a chance.  No big deal.  So, can I hear?"  He asked.

 

"I, uh, I, I don't know."  She stammered.  Now she was freaking out.  Zayn wanted to hear the recordings?  Her songs?  Her vocals?  Yeah, this wasn't what she'd planned.  But he had helped her.  He had gotten her this chance.  He was the reason these producers would even work with her.  "Yeah, I mean sure, if it's ok with them."  The producers nodded in agreement and told Zayn they were cued up and he just had to press play.  He sat down at the board and motioned for Julie to sit next to him.  She did so, but she couldn't look at him.  She looked down at her hands the entire time the songs were playing.

 

"That's you?"  Zayn asked her.  "You did the demos?"

 

She nodded.  "Yeah, they figured it was the best way to show them off."

 

"It was amazing.  I didn't know you could sing."  He said. 

 

"Um, I can't, not really. I can't wait until some real singer sings them.  Well, at least I hope they do, someday.  Panda actually can hold a tune better than I can." Julie shrugged.

 

"Well, I think these songs are perfect.  I'm sure someone will pick them up."  He said standing up and pulling her into a hug.  "It's good to see you do this, JJ.  It's wonderful to see you do something so positive for yourself."

 

She let out a breath and hugged him back.  Zayn's words meant a lot.  She was trying to do things that meant something to her.  That she was able to accomplish on her own.  "Thank you.  You have no idea what that means to me." 

 

"When I saw your notebook in Florida, even though I shouldn't have snatched it, I saw just a brief bit of what you had written.  I knew then that it was more than just some hobby or random thoughts."  He told her.  He sat down and then pulled her hand so that she sat in the chair in front of his. "I'm so glad you decided to show your work instead of hiding it."

 

"It's just a lot, ya know?  Those words I wrote, they're so personal.  It's just, to the people who know me, it's all me.  That's a lot to show."  She said.  "And opening that part of me up didn't do so well for me lately."  She said thinking about how she had shown Harry everything.  Trusting him completely with her soul.

 

Zayn took her hands and leaned his elbows on his knees.  "I get that this is hard, putting yourself out there like that.  I get that things haven't been going great for you lately.  But don't let anyone bring you down again.  I've kept in touch with Liam a little.  He explained Vegas and what you did.  I'm so proud of you."  He picked up her hand and kissed it.  "The first time in Vegas, I wanted to rip his face off."

 

"Zayn."  Julie said shaking her head, but she was smiling at him.  "Yeah, that was bad.  I didn't really know what to do."

 

"Bad?  JJ.  Yeah, I could've punched his face in, and it would have felt good."  He pulled her hands so her chair rolled closer to him.  He put his hand on her cheek and rubbed his thumb across her skin.  "I just wanted to protect you."

 

She slowly lost her smile when she saw the intense look that came into his eyes.  "It's over though. The second time in Vegas was a lot different."

 

"I wish I could have seen it."  He said pulling her to a standing position.  He ran his hands down her shoulders and continued down her arms.  "I would have cheered you on." 

 

Her breathe caught in her throat as Zayn looked intently into her eyes. He licked his lips as he leaned closer.  His hands were still on her arms, and her hands were now on his chest.  She searched his eyes.  Fuck!  Was he really doing what she thought?  She looked alternately between his eyes.  She started to close her eyes when he got closer.  She could smell him.  It was familiar and it was safe and it was something she'd been missing so much.  Could she do this?  He was a beautiful man; his lips were so close.  Just kiss him, she thought.  She shook her head and looked down, and his lips caught her forehead.  "Zayn," she said.  She stood there for a minute with his lips still against her forehead, and then she slowly backed away.

 

"Yeah, sorry."  He said clearing his throat.  He didn't know what he was thinking.  Well he knew, but he should have known better.  He wanted to kiss her.  He'd thought about it from the moment he had run into her in the hotel.  There was always something about her he couldn't forget.

 

Julie sighed.  "It would be easy, right?  We get along.  We have always understood each other.  We're both alone.  And I have to admit, you're pretty hot.  And part of me wants to hurt Harry as much as he hurt me.  But, it would be wrong.  And it would hurt me, and probably you too.  We both just got out of serious relationships.  And it wouldn't be right.  And I think you know that as much as I do."

 

Zayn rubbed his forehead.  "Yeah, I know.  Just, all this sucks, you know.  I wouldn't have stopped it if you hadn't."

 

"I know it sucks."  Julie stated.  She was caught off guard by his confession that he wouldn't have stopped though.  "Harry already saw the pictures of you and me leaving the hotel the other day.  I ran into him at Niall's today.  He accused me of being with you.  So, to him, this has already happened.  But I couldn't do it.  I couldn't live with myself." 

 

"You still love him, don't you?"  Zayn asked her.

 

"I'm not going to discuss Harry with you either, Zayn.  Just like I'm not going to discuss you with him."  She looked at him and then walked up and kissed his cheek.  "I really can't thank you enough for this.  But, I just think right now it's best we keep this as a working relationship.  I'm sorry."

 

"No, it's ok.  I understand.  So, this is it?"  Zayn asked her.  She was right.  He knew it would hurt Harry, and Perrie, and probably the both of them.  But he wouldn't have stopped it.  She was a great girl, and she did always seemed to understand him pretty easily.  He'd never thought about her like that before because he was with Perrie, and she was always Harry's girl.  But things were different now.  A lot different.  And he couldn't seem to help his attraction to her.  Whatever it was.  And Harry had always made a big deal about her eyes. Zayn had never noticed them before, but he did now.  So bright, so blue, and they definitely seemed to be the key to her soul.

 

"For now.  I'm not saying we have to avoid each other, when we run into each other, if we do.  But I don't think sparking even a friendship now is in anyone's best interest.  Including yours."  She gave him one more hug.  "But I will always be grateful."

 

"I would always be there to help you, JJ.  Anytime and anything you need."  He watched her walk away.  "Oh, and JJ.  You do still love him; maybe you should do something about that."

 

"Shut up, Zayn."  Julie said as she took the demo tapes from the producers and walked out the door.  She took a deep breath and walked to the nearest bus stop.  Jesus Christ, that could have been a disaster.  Like she'd told Zayn, part of her wanted to get back at Harry, and part of her thought why not?  Zayn was someone she had always felt some sort of connection with.  From that first night they spoke about his artwork.  His thoughts were deep and creative, and she liked that.  They did have some odd kind of connection.  And he was there, first thing, when Johnny found her that first time in Vegas.  He had wanted to protect her.  And even before that, even on that rooftop in Florida.  He just knew what she needed.  She and Harry weren't together now, and Harry was the one who didn't want to be together anymore. So why couldn't she give Zayn a shot, no matter what it became?  But then, rationality sank in.  She wasn't that person.  She wouldn't do something purposely to hurt another person and that's exactly what it would be.  No matter how she tried to rationalize it.  And maybe Zayn was disappointed in the moment, but she knew it wasn't anything more than the same for him.  Damn it.  And damn him telling her she was still in love with Harry.  She didn't need to be reminded.  The run in with Harry earlier today was a struggle.  He had looked amazing.  His hair longer, and she swore he'd gotten taller.  God, this fucking sucked.  She needed to find a way to actually move on.  Yet, everything she did always came back to 'I wonder what Harry would think'.  It was so irritating.  She rested her forehead against the bus stop.  Fuck!  This fucking sucked.

 

Julie stopped for coffee at their neighborhood bistro on her way home.  It was getting late, but she needed it.  She had to work the next night, so she needed to stay up as long as she could and then sleep the next day, if she could.  Sleep was hard to come by these days.  She walked into the house and threw her keys in the bowl on the table by the door.  "Panda?"  She called out as she walked into the living room.  She saw Amanda turn around on the couch.  "I got you a coffee.  Help you stay up tonight."  She handed her the cup.

 

"Thanks.  You were gone a long time."  Amanda said taking a drink of her coffee.

 

"Yeah, but it was a good day."  She nodded and couldn't help smiling.  She went and put her bag down by the wall leading into the hallway back to her room, thinking about those demo tapes that were in it.  She still couldn't believe this had all happened over the past few days.  She shook her head smiling and then went and sat down next to Amanda.  "So how was your day?"

 

"Went out with Niall for a bit, ran some errands, then came back here.  He's gone to meet some friends now, so I thought I'd wait for you."  She turned the tv off.  "JJ, you need to talk to me.  Please.  I'm worried about you."

 

"Panda, I'm ok.  Well, as okay as I can be."  Julie sighed.  She knew Amanda wasn't buying it, but it was the truth.  She was doing the best she could.  "I'm trying to make sure that I'm doing things for myself.  That I'm doing things for me and trying not to worry about anyone else right now. That I'm taking care of me. It's hard.  But especially after what happened with Harry, I just have to make sure that I'm happy with myself."

 

"You've never really talked to me about Harry.  About how you felt, about what you were thinking.  How you were dealing with it."  Amanda said to her.  "I really wish you would."

 

"The hardest thing is trying not to say anything so anyone else might feel they have to pick sides."  Julie said leaning her head back against the couch.

 

"I've already picked sides.  There was no question.  I'm always on your side.  Everyone seems to accept that except for you."  Amanda explained.

 

Julie chuckled closing her eyes.  "Yeah, I know.  But I was trying not to add to that.  You and Niall don't have to cut Harry out of your life.  I would never ask that.  But I can't be around when he is.  Not now, maybe not ever.  My next days off I'm going to really start looking for an apartment."

 

"I understand that.  I really do.  But don't rush.  This is your home right now. Harry will respect that.  He will have no choice.  But talk to me, please."  Amanda took JJ's hand and pulled her over to lie on her shoulder.

 

"I never knew how much I depended on him.  I was happy.  I was content, and contentment was hard to come by.  I was trying hard to love him and be with him, yet still make sure I stayed true to myself and what I needed to do.  Maybe, I've been a bit extreme with wanting to do for myself, but I feel I have to.  I mean, I spent so much time pushing everything away.  Hiding everything, I just feel it's time I make sure I can take care of myself.  But I wasn't pulling away from anyone.  I just needed time to figure things out.  I thought with him on tour that it would be the perfect time.  But it just bothered him more and more.  Everyone thinks I'm keeping this huge secret.  And I admit, I have held something close.  And I want to do that for now.  It's something I will share, when I'm ready.  He just couldn't handle that.  When I didn't need his help in everything, he couldn't handle that."  She shrugged.  "At least, that's how I feel."

 

"Yeah, I have to say I didn't see it coming.  You've mentioned to me before that he seemed to like the fact you needed him, though.  Is this what you were talking about?"  Amanda asked.

 

"Yes, I mean, I knew he liked me needing him.  And don't get me wrong, I still needed him. I just didn't need him for EVERYTHING.  Look, he didn't tell me everything he did when he was gone.  I didn't have an itinerary for everything he did every day.  I didn't expect to.  I didn't know every time he sat down and wrote a song, or went to a party, or a club.  He was on tour, and I trusted him to do what he did and that's that.  He couldn't do that.  He wanted to know everything.  This one thing just bothered him.  He said he thought I was pulling away from him, but I wasn't.  I just want to do this for myself.  I couldn't wait to accomplish it and share it with everyone.  I was going to be proud.  Proud of myself for the first time.  And now, it seems like as good as it is, it's always going to have a negative feeling around it.  I could have broken down and told him, but it wouldn't have fixed our issues.  Apparently, he was going to find any excuse to break up with me.  If it wasn't this, it would have been something else."  Julie said.  She had said all of this with her eyes closed, head still on the back of the couch.

 

"You don't know that, JJ."  Amanda said.  "He loves you, JJ."

 

"Loved.  And sometimes I even wonder that."  She took her hands back from Amanda.

 

"No, don't do that."  Amanda took JJ's hands back.  "Do not pull back again.  Yes, you have been, don't deny it anymore.  I get when he broke up with you it changed a lot.  I get why you would shield yourself for a time.  But no more, ok?  Niall or no Niall, you're my best friend, and no matter what you say, it is between us.  And JJ, he loves you, not loved.  He proved it today."

 

"That's crap."  Julie said standing up angrily.  "Today all he wanted to do was be mean.  He knew exactly what he was saying and why he was saying it.  It hurt his ego to think I was with Zayn.  It gave him that reason he was reaching for when he broke up with me.  He now justified to himself everything he thought he knew.  When in reality he knows nothing."

 

"Ok, yes, I get it.  But he cares, JJ."  Amanda groaned when she saw JJ's face.  Same stubborn look.  Jaw clenched, arms crossed.  "I always seem to forget what a stubborn brat you are."

 

"Panda, he took a picture posted by who the hell knows who and made everything else up in his head.  He doesn't trust me, and I'm starting to wonder if he ever did.  So, what does it say that he doesn't trust me?  And he goes and says that he was right in March when Zayn left.  So, he didn't trust me for about the last half of our relationship.  So, what should I think?"  Julie was getting uncomfortable.  She really didn't want to think about this anymore.  Damn him for coming here and starting her thinking about all of this again.

 

"Look, I get that he was irrational when he broke up with you, and I get that he's getting a little carried away with this picture thing.  But JJ, he may be convincing himself something's going on with Zayn, but whether it's true or not, he thinks you're doing it to get back at him for breaking up with you.  He thinks you're doing this on purpose to hurt him."  Amanda said.

 

"Yeah, you just proved my point.  Look, I don't want to talk about this anymore."  She wanted to tell Amanda that Zayn would have kissed her today if she'd let him.  She wanted to talk to her about it, but then she would have to admit she was with Zayn, and why she was with Zayn.  And Amanda most likely wouldn't believe that Julie had just run into him again without going into detail.

 

"JJ."  Amanda stood up and hugged her.  She didn't want to push her anymore.  Not right now.  But at least she'd got her to talk some.  She didn't know what was going on.  She didn't know what JJ's 'secret' was.  But she was just glad they had time to talk.  "Let's just watch a movie together.  What do you think?"

 

"Yeah, that actually sounds great.  When's Niall supposed to be back?"  Julie asked going to her bag.

 

"I don't know.  Late maybe.  Doesn't matter, it's a big house, he can leave us alone."  Amanda said loading Netflix onto the tv.  "What do you want to watch?"

 

"No Rom Coms."  Julie said picking up her bag.  Absolutely no romantic comedies.  She couldn't take it.  She couldn't admit how much she still loved Harry.  She didn't want to admit it to herself.  "Let me change into something more comfortable, and I will be right back."

 

"Right, no Rom Coms.  Got it."  Amanda said scrolling through the movies.  She knew exactly why JJ didn't want to watch them.  They had actually watched quite a few of them while the boys were on tour before Harry broke up with JJ.  JJ was actually accepting it.  Then it stopped.  JJ never wanted to watch another.  Amanda got it.  But it made movie watching hard because they didn't agree on much.  She decided on a sports movie.  Both girls loved sports.  So, one with no love stories.

 

Julie walked into her room and opened her bag.  She took out the demos and looked at them.  She couldn't believe it.  The producers were sending them on, and she would know if someone wanted them.  She couldn't believe this was a possibility.  What a great early Christmas present, and she'd done it herself.  Ok, so Zayn helped with introductions and the producers had helped with their creative expertise. But she had put so much of her heart in soul into the lyrics and her singing. She had never been proud of herself before, and she was now.  She felt such satisfaction.  She had hidden her writing for so long.  She had been so ashamed because of others telling her that it was just a stupid dream.  That dream was coming true because SHE had gone after that crazy dream.  Because with Harry showing her love and showing her acceptance, she had learned she could do it.  She sighed and sat down on her bed.  Everything always came back to Harry.  She just had to admit it.  He'd changed her life.  No matter where they were now.  He had just changed her life.  She didn't have to like it though.  She stood up and went and put the tapes in her drawer.  She tried to forget about it.  If she heard something, great; if not, that would be ok too.  Yeah, right, she was going to be on pins and needles.  But it was ok.  She changed quickly and went back out to Amanda.  "Ice cream.  How about some ice cream?"

 

"Yes!"  Amanda jumped up.  Girls' night.  She was so excited.  The two of them hadn't had one is SO long.  She would take what she could get.  Amanda watched as JJ put ice cream in the bowls topped it with all their favorite toppings.  They even had a bit of a whipped cream fight.  So fun, and very long overdue.  Amanda sat down on the couch and leaned against JJ's shoulder.  She had missed this.  She hoped something had shifted, and it could happen more often now.

 

Julie was making a real effort.  She didn't want Amanda to feel like that she was forgetting about her.  She didn't want Amanda to think that she was pushing her out of her life.  It had been so hard for her, watching Amanda and Niall be so happy when her heart was broken.  But Amanda was her best friend.  She was the only friend that had ever stuck by her through everything.  And Julie did miss her.  It was just so hard.

 

A couple hours later, Amanda had fallen asleep.  Julie heard Niall come in and looked back at him when she heard Niall talking to someone.  She closed her eyes when she heard the voice.  Fucking Harry.  Why?  Seriously, why?  Why would Niall bring him back here knowing she was here?  She gently removed Amanda from laying on her and got up.  She was going to quietly sneak out of the room without them seeing her.  They seemed like they were pretty drunk.  She thought she had gotten away with it when she heard Niall call out her name.  She thought about just continuing to walk down the hall, but she didn't.  She turned around.  "Hey, Niall.  You ok?"

 

"We may have had a little too much fun tonight.  Where's Amanda?"  Niall asked loudly.

 

"Shhhh.  She's asleep on the couch."  Julie said.  Great, this could be interesting.  She snuck a peek at Harry; yeah, he was drunk too.  Unsteady running his hand through his hair clumsily.

 

"Ok, ok," Niall said thinking he was whispering, but he wasn't.  "We got a ride.  Harry's just staying here.  You should show him to the spare room."  Niall said jumping over the couch and right onto Amanda.

 

Amanda screeched when Niall landed on her.  "Niall!  What the hell!"

 

"Hey babe."  He said kissing her neck.

 

Julie raised her eyebrows and looked at Niall.  "I should what?"  She shook her head.  "Good luck, Amanda.  Niall's lost his mind."  She looked at Harry barely able to hold himself up against the wall.  Jesus Christ, what the hell had they done tonight?  She hesitated.  She didn't want to do this, but Amanda was having a hard time getting Niall up to go to bed, so she walked over to Harry.  Fuck.  Damn it.  He was struggling to get his jacket off.  She shook her head.  "Stop.  You're just making it worse."  She helped straighten it out and then helped him get it off his arms.  "Come on, let's get you to bed."  She fought every single feeling coursing through her body.  She would just get him into the room and then go to hers.  They were far enough apart that it wouldn't be like he was there anyway.  She grabbed his elbow when he stumbled down the stairs.  She walked him down the hallway and opened the door to the spare room and walked him over to the bed, When he sat down, she laid his jacket over the chair and went to leave the room.  She turned and looked at him and found him already passed out on the bed.  Fully clothed, including his boots.  His feet still on the floor.  Damn it.  She fought the urge, but then just did it anyway.  She went over and took his boots off.  She lifted his legs onto the bed and covered him up.  She stood and stared at him for a while.  She wasn't even sure how long.  Time just seemed to stand still. She had to force herself to leave.  Fuck feelings.  She left the room and found herself in the kitchen.  She grabbed a bottle of water and a small bottle of aspirin.  She took them to his room and set them on the night stand next to the bed.  She kept telling herself it meant nothing.  She was just helping out Amanda who would have had to take care of two unreasonable drunk men.  Yeah, sure that was it.  She left the room, quietly closing the door.  She went to her room and climbed in bed.  She hoped she could sleep the whole day.  She hoped Harry would be gone before she woke up.  She struggled to fall asleep.  What a fucking way to end an otherwise great day.


	4. Chapter 4

Amanda tried to get Niall into their bedroom, but she was struggling with his dead, and drunk, weight.  The door bounced loudly off the bedroom wall as Niall staggered through it.  His hands were tearing at Amanda's clothes, his lips chasing clumsy kisses.  Amanda hushed Niall amongst her stifled giggles as they staggered towards the bed in a tangle of limbs, until Amanda lost control of Niall and her balance.  She snatched at his open shirt to try to save herself, which sent buttons flying in her wasted attempt to keep from falling, as she continued backwards, pulling Niall with her.

 

Niall's hand cradled her head which saved her from the fall, and she landed on their bedroom floor.  His body shook with laughter when he landed on top of her; his breath was hot against her neck.  His delicious weight distracted her from her own amusement as she stopped herself from laughing too hard at him.  She gave in and rolled her hips against him, to tell him exactly what she wanted.  She grazed her teeth along his stubbled jaw, gently nipping his skin as her fingers fumbled between the two of them to tackle the buckle of his belt.

 

Niall's laughter instantly died, although a sly grin appeared, and he pushed up to his knees, her legs either side of his hips.She watched as he rid himself of all the obstruction keeping her from what she wanted.  He watched her bite her lip hard as his length sprung free and ready.

 

She reached out for him, making grabby hands like a kid in a candy shop and whimpered, but instead of coming back to her, he pulled down her pants with reckless abandon.  He wrapped her panties around his fist as he pulled, the lace shredding and stinging her skin with a sensation that had her arching her back with a wanton moan, his physical arousal evident and obvious to her.

 

He flattened himself to his stomach and without warning began his feast, wild and precise all at the same time, as his mouth came down to her middle in the most intimate of kisses. Her eyes flew open wide before rolling back closed, and her manicured fingers found his hair, tugging sharply to hold him where she needed him, rocking her hips to the rhythm of his mouth while she was climbing high, and the knot in her stomach tightened until the fire started, and she soared in a chorus of cries and praise.

 

Her hands covered her face. The room grew hot ,and she lost her inhibition. His movements intoxicated her more than all the alcohol she could have drunk, that and him, Niall, her one true love.

 

Before she could collect herself, his heavy hands gripped her hips, he pulled her along the floor towards him until he sunk into her without warning in one full thrust, filling her with a sudden demand her body welcomed so much that she almost came again just from his intrusion.  Her inner walls trembled around him, throbbing to get use to his width, but with no time to do so before he started to move in a frenzy of thrusts. He was so vocal tonight, his desires, praise, and pleasure filling her ears in deep moans and slurred murmurs. Hand lifting her ass, sending him deep, taking her breath each time their bodies came together in dance of instinctive need.

 

Her ankles locked around his back, nails scored his shoulders, and neither of them cared as her body did nothing but feel and her mind trickled away to only them, then and there; and with a final cry of his name, she clung to him as once again, he rendered her undone, and both their bodies rigid, paralyzed with searing pleasure.  He held her in his arms. His release quickly following her.  His thrusts slowed until they just lay together, sprawled limbs, heavy breaths, having not even made it to the bed yet.

 

Amanda tried to catch her breath as he lay heavily on top of her.  Jesus, she hadn't expect that. She hadn't expect he would be able to perform at all considering how drunk he was, but it had been spectacular.  "Babe, that was unexpected but completely amazing."  She kissed his neck.  She thought he had passed out on top of her.  "Niall."  She chuckled.  "You have to get up."  She heard him mumble.  "Come on.  I will help you."  She pushed him off of her and got up.  Amanda pulled on her pants and helped him up.  She grabbed him some boxers and helped him into them.  He would just have to shower when he could stand.  She barely got him into bed before he passed out cold.  She shook her head and went and had a nice, long, hot shower.  She climbed into bed beside him afterwards.  She couldn't help but relive that frantic moment they'd had before.  How amazing! She wasn't complaining even if he wouldn't remember it in the morning.

 

A couple of hours later, Julie heard some noise in the hallway and came out of her room to find out what was going on.  She saw Amanda going back towards her room.  "Everything ok?"

 

Amanda stopped and turned towards JJ.  "Yeah, it's fine.  Niall's hurting pretty good, so I just grabbed some water and aspirin.  Dropped the bottle which is probably what woke you.  Sorry."

 

Julie leaned her back against the wall and put her foot up on it.  "Maybe, but I wasn't sleeping well anyway.  Pretty drunk in there, huh?"

 

"Yeah, but for being drunk, he's still pretty good.  I forgot."  Amanda said laughing.  It'd been awhile since she had teased JJ about sex.

 

"Oh, for crying out loud.  Didn't need to know that."  Both girls looked towards the front when they heard a noise.  And some fumbling around.  They then heard Niall's voice calling out for Amanda from their bedroom.  Julie looked at Amanda and took a deep breath.  They both knew who it had to be.  "Go," Julie said to Amanda.  "I've got it."

 

"Are you sure?"  Amanda asked.  She really didn't want to make JJ uncomfortable.

 

"Yeah, I got it."  She pushed herself off the wall and walked towards the living room.  She walked towards the tall silhouette by the door.  She saw Harry pulling keys out of his pocket.  Here we go, she thought.  She walked up and took the keys out of his hand.  "Um, what are you doing?"

 

"I need to go home."  He said trying to take the keys from her.

 

"First, your car isn't even here. You and Niall got a ride here.  Second, you can't drive anywhere."  She dropped the keys in the bowl.  "You should really go back to bed."

 

"Fuck."  He said rubbing his face.  "Bet you're loving this, right?"

 

"No, Harry, this isn't exactly the way I'd like to be spending my morning."  She turned and steadied him as he missed the step coming back into the living room.  "Come on, I'll put you in bed again."

 

He put his hands on her waist from behind as she started walking to the spare room.  He looked at them, her waist still fit perfectly in them.  He tightened his fingers which cinched up the tank top she was wearing.  Skin, soft and smooth, showing slightly.  He knew he shouldn't be doing what he was doing, and he knew it shouldn't be affecting him the way it was.  But god damn, she was still hot as hell.

 

Julie clenched her teeth when his hands went to her waist.  When his fingers slowly started lifting her tank top, she grabbed his hands and removed them.  "Come on. Let's just get you to bed."

 

He followed her to the room, and when she opened the door and leaned against it, he walked in.  He turned to her.  "Thanks again, I guess."  He vaguely remembered her putting him to bed previously.

 

"Sure, think you can make it into bed this time?"  She asked.

 

"Maybe you should help me, just to be sure."  He said to her.  When she lifted her eyes to his, he couldn't help but smile.  Those damn blue eyes.

 

"Yeah, I think you're ok."  She pushed herself off the door.  "Goodnight, Harry."

 

Harry watched her push herself off the door and turn away, and he just reacted.  He reached above her and shut the door before she could get out.  He spun her around gently and pushed her back against the door.  His free hand found her waist again and engulfed it.  The physical attraction he had to her never changed.  "Stay."  He said simply.  His impaired mind didn't care about anything else right now.

 

"Right," she said trying to step away.  "Go to sleep, Harry."  She watched the hand from the door make its way to the other side of her waist.  His fingers tightened, and she knew that meant he was trying to fight his urge to take her the way he wanted.  "This should not be happening."

 

"I don't care."  He said as he picked her up.  As he hoped, her legs automatically wrapped around his waist.  His lips found her neck, and he groaned as he sucked lightly.  Oh, he'd missed the taste of her skin.  He smiled when he heard a gasp escape her throat.  He still had the same effect on her.

 

Julie was caught off guard.  She had never expected this.  She surely didn't think he would be picking her up and pinning her to the wall.  But the feeling his touch gave her, the feeling of his lips on her neck was still the same as it had been.  Their physical chemistry hadn't dissipated over the months they'd been apart.  She hadn't been touched since before they'd broken up.  Weeks before they broke up.  Her body craved his touch.  "We shouldn't."

 

"Who cares?"  He said again as he kissed down her neck.  His hands running under her tank top pulling her middle closer to his.

 

She knew he was drunk.  She knew that this wasn't anything other than sex.  But part of her just wanted it.  Part of her knew it was always so good.  What did that make her?  She needed to stop.  Oh god, but his lips.  His hands.  "Harry, we shouldn't."  She put her hands on his chest and pushed him away gently, so that she was able to put her feet on the floor.

 

He pulled her hips forward and looked down into her eyes.  She was telling him to stop.  He would.  But god, he didn't want too.  "I think we should."  He rocked his hips against hers to show her that he really wanted to.

 

Why was she thinking about this?  She should have walked her ass out of the door as soon as he'd started.  Because she wanted it.  Her body wanted it.  Fuck it.  She wrapped her hand around the back of his neck and pulled him aggressively into a kiss.  She felt his hands come back tightly around her waist, and he picked her back up, pinning her back against the wall.  She ran her hands into his hair and kissed him until she had to catch her breath.  When they broke the kiss, she immediately felt his lips on her neck again.

 

Harry was pleasantly surprised when she'd grabbed his neck and kissed him.  Her hands running into his hair made him drunk on feeling instead of the alcohol running through his veins.  He somehow managed to spin and carry her the few steps over to the desk.  He set her down and removed her shorts and panties quickly and picked her back up setting her on the desk.  When she leaned back on her hands, he ran his hands down her chest and stomach and over her thighs.  He licked his lips and leaned in and found his target.  He remembered clearly through his foggy brain what she liked.  Oh, and he liked it too.  His hands squeezed her thighs as he moved his tongue around as his fingers entered her.  He would never forget her spots.  They were engraved in his brain.  When she started to squirm and moan, he couldn't help but smile into his doing.  He'd missed that.

 

"Fuck!"  Julie said as she let her head fall back.  He knew just what to do.  And he knew how to do it well.  Her body was reacting almost immediately.  She bit her lip as he continued to work her.  How he could do that.  Her body lurched forward, and her hands went into his hair as her body started to react.  Her insides clenched, and she started to shake as her orgasm hit its high.  He could make her feel things that went straight to her core.  She barely started coming down as she felt herself being picked up and spun around to the bed.  She looked up when her back hit the bed.

 

Harry stood looking down at her as he removed his pants quickly.  God, he wanted her.  He wanted to feel her around him.  He couldn't help it, when he was removing his clothes he said to her, "You're so fucking beautiful."  He climbed over her, kneeing between her legs.  He wasted no time as he entered her.  It was his turn to groan as he felt her tightness around him, as he filled her.  He thrusted, slow but hard.  He knew he'd missed this, but he didn't quite know just how much.  When her nails dug into his shoulder, he leaned down and shoved his tongue in her mouth.  When she put her hand in his hair again and pulled him closer into the kiss, he started thrusting faster and harder.  This time, he had to break the kiss to catch his breath.  "Fucking feels so good."  He couldn't help it.  He was ready to release, but he didn't want to give up until he got her to orgasm again.  He moved hard and deep hoping to hit her spot.  He started to release but kept moving.  He felt her then start to clench around him which made his high that much better.  He slowed down and then stopped when they both started coming down.  "Christ."  He said as he rolled off over her.

 

Julie closed her eyes when he rolled off of her and pulled the sheet up to cover her.  She still had her tank top on.  God, the feelings he gave her.  The physical release was so fucking incredible, but it didn't take long for the guilt to start setting in.  She shouldn't have done that.  She knew shouldn't have allowed it to happen.  But god, it felt good.  She rolled her head to say something but found he was already passed out with his arm over his eyes.  She got up slowly so she wouldn't disturb him.  She quickly threw her shorts on and quietly left the room.  Her walk of shame.  Why had she allowed that to happen?  Maybe he wouldn't remember when he woke up, or think it was just a dream.  Maybe she could get away with getting the high that only he'd ever been able to give her and not have to deal with it.  She walked quietly to her room and got in the shower.  While the warm water engulfed her body, she started to cry.  She hadn't cried since the day after Amanda had come back to LA from the East Coast.  Oh god, what had she done?

 

She climbed into bed after her shower and stared at the ceiling.  The physical feeling, she had just experienced, was amazing, as always.  She wouldn't ever complain about that, but now she felt terrible.  She shouldn't have let that happen.  They had broken up. Hell, HE had broken up with her and broken her heart. And they weren't getting along.  He'd accused her of being with Zayn, not only now, but back when they had still been together.  He couldn't ever let that go for some inexplicable reason.  He couldn't ever get over it.  Even though there was no basis for what he thought, he wasn't shy about throwing it in her face.  And now, he had come here drunk, and she had slept with him.  Fuck!  Way to stay strong, Julie.  He comes in and touches you, and you act like a horny teenager, she thought.  She should have fought him harder.  She should have told him to stop and meant it.  She hoped now, for real this time, that he was up and gone by the time she got up.  She didn't want to run into him again.  She covered her face with her pillow and screamed.  It always went back to sex.  Amazing, fulfilling, satisfying sex. But sex, none-the-less.  She needed to be stronger.  She needed to get a grip on reality. He had hurt her.  She had trusted him with her whole being, and he had broken her heart. She should remember that instead of jumping into bed with him the first time that she saw him since their breakup.  She felt very disappointed in herself.  She closed her eyes and willed herself to sleep; tears seeping out of her eyelids.

 

Harry rolled over and reached for Julie.  He opened his eyes when he felt nothing.  Was it just a dream?  Had he just been dreaming that they had been together?  He could smell her though.  Her smell was all over that room.  He leaned over and smelled the pillow next to him.  No, there was no doubt she had been with him.  He could still feel her on him.  Her hands in his hair.  Her lips on his.  He sighed when he realized she had left and that she probably did so right away.  He was all of a sudden sober.  What had he done?  He would never regret being with her.  But he knew she was going to regret it.  He knew that she was going to be upset with herself that she had let it happen.  This was not going to help his cause.  Wait.  What cause?  What was he thinking?  He shook his head.  He didn't want her back.  She didn't want him either.  He just had to take this for what it was.  Good sex.  And he needed to move on.  She didn't stick around afterwards, so there was no reason for him to worry about it.   Yeah.  He didn't need to worry about it.  Fuck.  He was worried about it.  He groaned and put his arm back over his eyes until he fell back asleep.


	5. Chapter 5

Julie groaned when her alarm went off.  She had to go to work, but she felt like she had just fallen asleep.  She rolled onto her back and looked at the ceiling.  The night before, or she supposed it was that morning, coming back and hitting her hard.  What had she done?  She felt like she could fight everything but her physical attraction to Harry.  The first time he'd taken her home to her apartment was the same damn way.  She'd questioned herself then.  This was different, yet the same.  She rubbed her hands over her face.  Her brain told her she should regret it.  That it wasn't smart.  She shouldn't have done it.  She hated she was so needy when it came to him and that feeling he always gave her.  She had never craved physical intimacy before him.  Now she craved it too much.  And only with him.  Which was a problem since they weren't together.  Julie sat up and slammed her fists down onto the bed on either side of her body.  She got up and grabbed her scrubs.  She was going to be late if she didn't get ready. She threw on her scrubs pulled her hair back into a pony tail, washed her face, and skipped the make-up.  Who cared anyway?  She walked out to the kitchen to make a coffee.  Amanda wasn't working tonight so Julie was taking the bus.  She wouldn't be able to stop for coffee on the way.  She hoped and prayed the house was empty.  Niall and Amanda were supposed to go out that afternoon, if Niall wasn't too hung over.  She mentally crossed her fingers that Harry was gone.  He had to be by now, right?

 

Julie went to the coffee maker and made herself two cups and put it into a large travel mug.  She put in creamer and some sugar and took a drink.  She froze and stood straight when she heard a voice behind her.

 

"White and sweet, just like you?"  Harry asked.  He walked to the counter and sat down.  He hadn't figured he would see her.  By her reaction, she hadn't expected him to still be there either.  He hadn't planned on still being at Niall's, but it had been a very rough night.  He felt rough.  He vaguely remembered what he'd drank the night before.  It was almost 5 pm, and he was still having a hard time moving.

 

Julie stood there frozen.  She had to shake her stupor off.  How ridiculous to just stand there like an idiot.  Like if she didn't move he couldn't see her.  She started making another cup of coffee and turned around and slid it to him across the counter.  She figured he needed it.  "Yeah, I'm going to be late for the bus.  Think you could lock up when you leave?"

 

"Thanks.  The bus?"  He took a drink of his coffee.  "Why are you taking the bus?"

 

Why was she having this conversation with him?  Julie knew eventually she would have to run into him again, but she had hoped for more time to prepare.  Almost three months didn't seem like enough.  "I haven't gotten a car since the accident.  I haven't really had an inclination to drive."  She turned back to the counter and put the coffee stuff away and grabbed her mug.  "So, do you think you could lock up?  Maybe clean up the spare room?"  She didn't want Amanda and Niall to know what had happened in that room.  She was hoping he wouldn't remember either.  Maybe he would just go with it and not bring it up.

 

"Yeah, already changed the bed and put the sheets in the washer."  He looked at her.  She obviously didn't want to talk about it.  "Maybe I can give you a ride to work?  So you're not late, and you don't have to take the bus?"  Harry didn't know why he asked.  He was pretty sure she would just turn him down anyway.

 

"You don't have your car.  You got dropped off."  She said.  She grabbed a container of yogurt from the fridge to eat on the way.

 

"It got brought here earlier.  Come on.  It's just a ride."  He said.  He didn't know why he was pushing it.  Why it seemed to matter.

 

"No, really.  It's ok."  She said.  She grabbed a spoon and threw that and the yogurt in her bag and walked around the counter.

 

Harry spun in his stool and watched her walk towards the door.  "Maybe we should talk about what happened this morning."

 

"No, we shouldn't."  She stopped in front of the door.  So much for him not remembering.  After a pause, she grabbed her keys from the bowl.  "I'm thinking we can just forget it."

 

"So, you can just forget it?  You were hoping I wouldn't remember, weren't you?"  He watched her reactions.  Still the same.  He could still read her.  She was uncomfortable, and she was trying really hard to push away her feelings.

 

"Yes, it shouldn't have happened, and you know it just as well as I do."  She turned around and looked at him.  "It was a mistake.  No matter how good it was."

 

He couldn't help but smile when she finally looked at him.  "It wasn't a mistake.  That feeling is never a mistake.  You thought the first time we were together was a mistake too, but it wasn't."

 

"I'm not talking about this, Harry.  I'm sorry.  I have to go."  She opened the door.

 

"You can avoid me, and you can avoid this conversation, but you can't avoid the feelings.  You can't avoid how good we are together."  He said smugly.

 

"Sex does not make us good together."  She turned back and looked at him.  "Sex, no matter how good it feels, doesn't mean anything without everything else.  At least not to me.  We have nothing else.  We don't have trust, or respect, or love.  I thought I knew what love was.  I thought I knew how it felt to have that.  But I'm starting to wonder if that wasn't a lie too.  I get that this is Niall's home, and you're welcome here whenever he wants you here, but that doesn't mean we have to interact.  Last night, this morning, whenever it was, was a mistake.  No matter how good you make my body feel."  She turned and opened the door and walked out.  If only half the things she had said were true.  Her heart ached. She didn't want to still be in love with him.  She wanted to stop hurting.  How could she do that if she had to see him all the time?  She needed to get herself an apartment, and she needed to do it quickly.

 

Harry got up from the stool and went and put the sheets in the dryer.  He knew she would regret last night.  He knew she would push her feelings aside, and he knew she would call it a mistake.  But he wouldn't think of it as one.  No matter how frustrating she was.  It had been good.  He wouldn't admit that her words hurt either.  What did he care if she thought they had nothing?  Or if she thought their whole relationship was a lie.  He didn't give a shit.  He didn't have to be in a relationship with her to have good sex.  He wouldn't admit it was more.  He wouldn't admit he had made a horrible mistake when he let her go.  Nope, he wouldn't.  He was young and on a break.  He could do what he wanted, when he wanted.  He wouldn't admit that he wanted to do it with her.  He grabbed his keys and left.  There were things to do, people to see.

 

The next morning Julie walked into Niall's house after her long, crowded, bus ride home.  Maybe she needed to rethink this car thing.  When she worked with Amanda, she rode with her in one of Niall's cars, but she wouldn't take one herself.  She saw Niall sitting at the counter.  "Hey, Niall.  Morning."

 

"Hey, JJ."  He looked at the clock.  "You're later than normal.  Problems?"

 

"Yeah, missed my first bus, and the one after that is always so crowded."  She said setting her bag down on the counter.   "Is Panda still asleep?"

 

"Yeah, apparently, I gave her quite the time yesterday, or the night before or whenever we ended up coming home."  He laughed.

 

"Yeah, you were in quite the state."  She said going to the fridge and grabbing some fruit for breakfast.  She needed something to eat before she went to bed.  She turned and set the bowl on the counter and started eating some.

 

"Yeah, heard you had to help Harry."  Niall said watching her reaction.  "Sorry about that."

 

Julie knew he was sizing up her reaction.  She knew that he and Amanda had been talking about it.  She shrugged.  "Yeah, well someone had to. It wasn't going to be you, and Panda had her hands full with you.  So, it was me by default."  She turned and got a glass of water.  She knew Niall wouldn't push as much as Panda, but she knew he was going to ask questions.

 

"So, did he give you too hard of a time?"  He asked.

 

"No, it was fine, even though I had to do it twice.  I have no idea what you two did, but I suggest not doing it again for a while."  She put her water on the table and went back to her fruit.

 

"Yeah, can't say I planned on it.  I don't think I've ever been so hung over before. And that's saying something for an Irish bloke."  He shook his head.

 

She wanted to change the subject.  "So, I took care of that thing you asked me to."  She knew he would know exactly what she was talking about, and even though Amanda was sleeping, Julie still didn't want to say anything out loud just in case.

 

"You did?  And?"  He asked.

 

"It's all set.  You knew I wouldn't fail at this."  She said chuckling.  He knew she wouldn't either which was why he had asked her.  He knew that when Julie wanted something and was set on it that she would get it done.

 

"Yeah, I did.  Which is why I knew you were the perfect person for the job."  He smiled at her.  "Don't think I don't know you were changing the subject either."  He got up and went and hugged her.  "So, thank you so much."

 

Amanda came into the kitchen yawning.  "Why are we having a love fest in the kitchen so early in the morning?  And how come you're thanking her?"

 

Niall looked at Amanda and then at JJ.  "Um, it's a hate fest not a love fest.  How you forget."  He kissed JJ's cheek and went and gave Amanda a good morning kiss.  "And this is my cue to leave.  I will be back shortly.  I have some things to do."  He kissed Amanda again, then went and got his keys and quickly escaped.

 

Julie pushed a mug of coffee over to Amanda and answered before she even had to ask.  "He was thanking me for not killing him for bringing our house guest here the other night."  She was fibbing.  But this subject would get Amanda away from being suspicious about what Niall and she had actually talking about.

 

"Yeah, I can see that."  She took a drink of her coffee.  "Thank you for this."  She looked up at JJ.  "So, how did it go getting him back into bed?"

 

Julie shrugged.  Oh, spectacular once I wore him out, she thought, internally rolling her eyes.  "Fine, well, ok I suppose.  He was trying to leave, seemingly forgetting he didn't even drive here."  She took a bite to finish off her fruit.

 

"Yeah, they were quite drunk.  I don't think either felt much pain at first.  But after a while, Niall was hurting.  And I still dragged his ass out of the house the next afternoon.  Was Harry still here when you went to work last night?"  Amanda asked.  Yes, she knew she was pressing.  But she wanted to know if there had been any additional interactions.

 

"Yes."  Julie said.  Why lie?  Harry knew.It wasn't like she expected him to keep that a secret, but she did hope that he kept what happened between them a secret.  "He was getting ready to go when I was leaving."

 

"Did you talk to him?"  Amanda asked sitting down and drinking some more of her coffee.

 

"Yes, Panda.  Briefly.  Nothing too deep, nothing too important."  Julie said taking care of her garbage.  "I think I'm heading to bed.  Do you work tonight?  I can't seem to recall schedules anymore."

 

"Yeah, I do.  So, you can sleep a little longer, because I will drive."  Amanda said.  "Thanks again for the coffee.  I'm going to try and stay up a little bit and get a few things done since Niall's not here with the holidays coming up and all."

 

"Oh, yeah, don't remind me.  I have way too many things to do.  I'm thinking of going back to Wisconsin for the holidays.  There's really no reason for me to stay here."

 

"Well, I understand, but if you stay you can spend them with Niall and me."  Amanda said standing up and going into the living room.

 

"Yeah, probably not.  Sorry, but a happy holiday with the two of you probably wouldn't be best for me."  Julie said walking towards her room.  "Love you still."

 

"Yeah, I get it.  Sleep well.  See you tonight."  Amanda said letting JJ go to bed.  She knew this was hard for JJ.  Last Christmas had been spent with just the two of them.  Girls at home, working.  JJ was wondering over Christmas if Harry would come back to her.  Now this Christmas, Harry and JJ were broken up and so far apart.  Amanda hated seeing it.  They didn't bring Harry up often in JJ's presence, but when they did, she could see, if only for a second, the pain in JJ's eyes.  No matter how many times JJ said she was ok, that she said she was getting over it, that she said she didn't love him, Amanda knew different.  JJ did love Harry.  Amanda never did understand Harry's reasoning for breaking up with JJ, but it didn't matter at this point.  She just wanted to see her friends happy.  And they were not happy without each other.  She wished she had a way to make Harry and JJ realize what she knew that they both still loved each other.  But that would be like pulling teeth.  Stubborn and prideful were qualities that both JJ and Harry possessed, and getting them to admit anything would be almost impossible.  She sat down and looked at the laptop.  Online shopping was the best for Christmas presents.

 

Niall rang the bell at Harry's house later that morning.  When Harry answered, he handed him his wallet which Harry had accidentally left at his house the day before.  "I don't even want to know how this got under the bed."  Niall said.  "I had to search for it when you said you couldn't find it."

 

Harry let Niall inside.  He knew how it had gotten under there.  When he'd stripped his pants off quickly before climbing over Julie, it would have fallen out.  But he was pretty sure telling Niall that would not go over well.  "Yeah, must have happened when I actually decided to go to bed."

 

Niall looked at Harry.  Sure, could have been, but Niall wasn't buying it.  "So, do you remember anything about that night or that morning, I suppose I should say?"

 

"Yeah, some.  It was definitely a crazy time.  Too many people supplying too much alcohol.  I barely remember leaving or getting to your house."  Harry said.  "Do you want a drink?"  When Niall looked at him he laughed.  "I meant water or tea."  No more alcohol for a while, that was for sure.

 

"Yeah, sure I will take a water."  Niall said sitting at Harry's counter.  "So do you remember someone helping you to bed?"  Why not just bring it up?

 

"Subtle, Niall."  Harry said giving him a bottle of water from the fridge.  "Yes, I vaguely remember her taking me to bed the first time.  And then I remember better the second time after I tried to leave in a car that wasn't even there."  He said.  They both knew who 'her' was, so there was no need to specify.

 

"Yeah, apparently I told her to take you to bed the first time."  Niall laughed.  "I didn't remember telling her to, but you're welcome."

 

"I don't recall saying thank you."  Harry said.  "You and Amanda aren't plotting, are you?  Not a good idea, mate."  He cautioned taking a drink of his water.

 

"I'm not, and I don't think Amanda is.  We try not to talk about it too much.  I can't say that I'm not still confused."  Niall said standing up.  "But I won't give you a hard time about it.  I better get going.  You're still coming next week, right?"

 

"Of course, I wouldn't miss it for anything."  Harry said.  He knew the plan.  He would be there for Niall.

 

"You know JJ is going to be there too, right?"  Niall asked.

 

"Yes, Niall.  That's one place I expected her to be.  Does she know I'm coming?"  Harry asked walking Niall to the door.

 

"I haven't come right out and told her yet, but just like you, I'm pretty sure she expects it.  I will tell her though, for sure.  Just so everyone knows."  Niall said walking out the door.

 

"Alright, man.  We will talk soon.  Thanks again for bringing the wallet."  Harry said as Niall walked to his car.  He shut the door and walked back to the kitchen.  He picked up his wallet.  Yeah, he knew exactly when it had fallen out.  He couldn't stop thinking about that morning.  He wished he could get it out of his head.  He wished he could get her out of his head.  She never seemed far though.  They were on a break.  He was spending a lot of time in LA.  If they were together, he wouldn't have to be alone like he was now.  She could be sleeping before work up in his bedroom while he worked out in the basement.  It would have been great.  He sighed and went and sat down in front of the tv.  But it wasn't like that.  He'd made sure of it.  Sometimes, he had a hard time remembering why he'd decided they needed time apart.  He put his feet up on the table and tried to watch tv.

 

Niall walked into the house after he returned from seeing Harry.  He watched Amanda close the laptop and turn towards him.  He walked up, leaned over the back of the couch, and kissed her.  "Hey babe, I didn't think you would still be up."

 

"I talked to JJ, and then decided to do some online Christmas shopping; guess I got too into it."  Amanda said smiling at him.  "Where were you?"

 

"I had to take Harry his wallet. He left it here."  Niall said sitting down next to her on the couch.

 

"Really?  So?  What did he say about JJ?"  Amanda asked.

 

"Amanda, we didn't really say much about it."  Niall said.  "He remembers her helping him to bed, twice, but that's it.  He asked if we were plotting.  And I told him of course not.  Don't make me a liar."

 

"Plotting?  About what?"  Amanda tried to act innocent.  When Niall just raised his eyebrows at her, she laughed.  "Ok, fine, I'm not plotting really.  I just don't want to see her unhappy.  If he makes her happy, then that's what I want to see.  If he doesn't, or if neither will admit they still love each other, then I'm going to encourage her to start seeing other people."  Amanda advised as she leaned against Niall.

 

"Amanda, can't you just let it be?  Let her decide?"  Niall asked.

 

"No, not completely.  Have you met her before?  She will sit around and never get back out there if I don't give her a nudge."  Amanda said confident she was correct.

 

"Oh lord, help us all."  Niall said kissing her.  "Ok, you better go to bed.  You won't get much sleep before work.  But Princess, promise me you won't get too involved.  No clever plots and twists."

 

"No promises."  Amanda laughed as she kissed Niall.  "Good night, babe.  I will see you before work."  She kissed him again and then went to bed.

 

Niall shook his head as he turned the tv on.  He was in for it.  He kind of felt bad for JJ.  Well, Amanda would never do anything to hurt JJ, but she would definitely help her move on.  Oh, living with two girls, two best friends, it was all very interesting to say the least.  He had always joked with Harry about having both Amanda and JJ, but he'd never thought it would actually happen.


	6. Chapter 6

A week later, Niall walked into the kitchen."Oh my god, JJ, it smells amazing!"He walked over and gave her a kiss on the cheek."Thank you so much for doing this for me."

 

"Are you kidding?I can't wait.I'm so excited.I think I cooked a 7-course meal."Julie said as she pulled another dish out of the oven."I mean, it's only us right?"

 

"And Harry."Niall said.When JJ twisted her lips at him, he laughed."Come on. You knew it was going to happen.And you knew when it happened, I'd want him here."

 

"Well, I could have hoped you changed your mind.Based on the circumstances."Julie said.

 

"Well, I didn't.Can you behave for the night?"Niall queried.

 

"You should have let me bring a date.Then I could have behaved."Julie said turning the oven off."Ok, everything just needs to sit for a few, and it will stay warm in the oven.I'm going to shower and get ready.When's Panda supposed to be back from her appointment?"Julie said taking off her apron and setting it aside.

 

"In about half an hour."Niall said.

 

"You know she's going to be suspicious when she sees Harry's here for dinner with me here also, right?"Julie said walking towards her room.

 

"Yeah, we'll see about that."Niall started.

 

"Niall.What did you do?"Julie stopped and turned and looked at him.

 

"Well, I sort of told her that I set it up so that we could get you two together to see if maybe there's a chance you would get back together."Niall cringed waiting for her response.

 

"Niall."Julie groaned and rolled her eyes."First, not a chance in hell; and second, good one, because you know damn well she will show up and will be all for it.Sneaky son of a bitch."She said still shaking her head at him.

 

"Yeah, well, come on.It's big.I didn't want her suspicious.I wanted to surprise her."He said shrugging.

 

"You're so lucky I hate you so much."Julie said.

 

"I am.And I hate you just as much."Niall said going to his room to get ready.

 

About twenty minutes later, Amanda walked up to the door and saw Harry pulling into the driveway, so she waited for him."Hey.Niall said you were coming.Come on in."She held the door open for him.

 

"Thanks."He said walking in and kissing her cheek."We're ok, right?You and me?"

 

"Yeah, you know I'm always going to be protective of JJ."Amanda said shutting the door and putting the keys in the bowl.

 

"Yes, I know.I've always admired that about you."He said running his hand through his hair.

 

"You know she's going to be here tonight, right?Niall did tell you that, right?"She asked going down the stairs into the front room.

 

Harry followed her."Yes, he told me."He walked towards the front room."Knew eventually this would happen since she's your best friend and all."

 

"Well, thanks for coming.He seems to think it's important."She took a deep breath."Dang, it smells good in here.JJ outdid herself tonight."

 

"She cooked?"Harry asked.That he hadn't known.It did smell really good.She wasn't able to cook for him much, but he'd always enjoyed it when she did.

 

"Yeah, Niall said he talked her into making dinner.You know him."Amanda said."He's had her cooking a lot since she moved in.I think she does it to make up for him letting her live here.Little does she know he would let her anyway."

 

"He would."Niall said walking out and going and giving Amanda a hug and a kiss.She had gone and gotten her hair, make-up, and nails done.She looked great."You look great, and that dress is beautiful."

 

"Thanks.Since it's all on you, thank yourself.I just enjoyed my day.Wish you wouldn't have guilted JJ into cooking though.She could have come with me."Amanda said.

 

"He didn't guilt me into it.I enjoyed it."Julie said walking into the front room."It's been awhile, and Niall will eat all of it."

 

"Well, it smells amazing."Amanda said."And you look cute.Look at you."

 

"Oh, stop.You look beautiful.New dress?"Julie asked taking Amanda's hand and spinning her around.

 

"Yep, Niall's doing of course."Amanda smiled over at Niall who smiled back.

 

"Of course, and cut the cute already."Julie said walking towards the kitchen.She'd noticed Harry, but she was trying really hard to just act normal.She nodded in his direction and went to see about the food.He looked good.All in black.Harry in all black was her downfall.She adored him in all black.Damn it.She could do this though.It was just for tonight, and it was important to Niall, and it would become important to Panda.Julie sighed.  She needed to get through this with no drama.

 

Harry watched Julie and watched her interaction with Amanda.He hadn't realize he'd also missed this.The friendship and the interactions and the comments.The sarcastic nature.He nodded back when she nodded at him.Well, it was something.He watched her when she had her back turned towards him dishing the food into their proper dishes.She looked good.The tight sapphire blue dress with the strappy heels, hair pulled back loosely, makeup done, earrings, and necklace.She didn't wear all that often.But he supposed this occasion called for it.He caught himself staring and smiling.He looked over and saw Amanda and Niall looking at him and just shook his head.

 

Amanda kissed Niall and then whispered."Ok, so you got them together, and he's looking at her like he's seeing her for the first time.Maybe you're onto something."

 

Niall smiled at Amanda.He'd known she would latch onto that if he planted it into her head.Wait until she found out the real reason they were all having dinner together.And the only reason JJ had agreed to have dinner with Harry here.He felt sort of manipulative and a bit guilty using JJ and Harry, but it would be worth it in the end."Yes, babe.Remember though.It's just a dinner with friends.We're not going to push them together.Just allow them to start slowly spending time together with us and see how it goes."

 

"Yeah, yeah, spoil sport."Amanda said."JJ, can I help?"

 

"No, just go sit."Julie said from the kitchen."I'm good."She said.She needed to keep herself busy anyway.No matter how much she loved Niall and Amanda, this wasn't exactly a situation she wanted to be in right now.

 

"What about me?"Harry asked walking into the kitchen."Can I help?"

 

Julie took a deep breath.She just had to get through dinner.Then she could go to her room and shut herself in."Sure, you can take some of those to the table."She said gesturing towards the dishes she already had ready to go.

 

"It looks great. You really did a great job for them."He said taking a dish in each hand and walking towards the table.He could be civil.And she really had done a great job.

 

"Thanks."Julie said.It was harder than she thought it would be to be nice.She didn't even really want to say anything to him.Sounded horrible, but there was so much water under that bridge and so many things left unsaid and so many things still unknown.It wasn't time to try and figure it out.She turned and handed Harry two more dishes when he walked back into the kitchen and then took some herself.Dessert was in the fridge.She sat down when Harry pulled the chair out for her.

 

"JJ, this looks incredible.I don't know how you do it."Amanda said."It smells so good.And it's all Niall's and my favorites."

 

"Yep, I think I know that."Julie said."Anything for you Panda.And maybe even Niall.  I just don't tell him that."She smiled and scooted her chair in towards the table.Panda was to her right, Harry to her left and Niall directly across from her.She forced a smile when Harry poured her a glass of wine.There was both red and white on the table, and he knew right away she would want the white.When he put the bottle down, he immediately got up and went to the kitchen.She just watched him, and when he came back he dropped two ice cubes into her wine glass.

 

"I could tell it wasn't cold enough for you, so I thought I would take care of it right away."Harry said.He had done it out of instinct. He hadn't even had to think about it.The bottle was warm.He knew she liked her wine cold.The colder the better.He just did it.He smiled at her and then sat down.

 

"Thanks."Julie said.This should be good.He knew what she wanted.But for some reason, it annoyed her.She didn't want him to know all of this about her or do all of this for her.She scolded herself.He's just being nice.Just be nice.She kept telling herself.

 

Niall lifted his glass and waited for the others to join him."To good friends, good food, and a great night."He clinked his glass together with everyone.

 

Amanda took a drink as everyone else did.She watched JJ and Harry.She loved the interaction with Harry instinctively getting JJ ice for her wine.She had missed them together.She knew that one dinner wasn't going to get them back together, but maybe it would be a start in the right direction.And maybe she would be surprised, and they would realize how good they were together."I miss these days."Amanda said.She quickly added."Everyone is so busy these days."She didn't want to make JJ or Harry uncomfortable because they weren't together.

 

"Yeah, crazy times."Julie said."Well, let's eat before everything gets cold."She took some from a dish and passed it to Amanda.She watched Harry put down a dish that he'd gotten from Niall. He didn't bother passing it to her, because he knew she wouldn't eat it.It was made from tomatoes.She hated tomatoes.Yep annoying.A couple more hours.Maybe.She could do this.

 

Niall could sense the tension.Both JJ and Harry were trying, but there was still quite a bit of tenseness between them.He had known there would be, but he was grateful they were both here for this."So, JJ, you've been in and out a lot lately.What have you been up to?"

 

Julie took a bite and chewed it slowly.She needed to think about her answer before she said something.No one knew yet about her writing and what she was doing with it.She just wanted to keep it secret a little while longer.Hopefully, she would be able to share the good news with them, but when she was ready."Just, working and hanging around.Nothing much really.Trying to save up for a down payment on an apartment.LA's expensive."She joked.

 

"It is."Niall said."But there's no rush for you to move out.You're no trouble.Well, not much trouble anyway."

 

"Yeah, you just want me to keep cooking for you."Julie said smiling at him.

 

"Hey, I'm not going to lie.It's an added perk coming home to a home cooked meal most evenings.I won't complain about it."Niall said laughing.

 

Amanda laughed."And lord knows, I'd rather have you do it.I'm good, but you're better."

 

"Not true.You just choose not to."Julie said.

 

"What about you, Harry?"Amanda said."You guys only have to do the Rockin Eve thing yet. How do you plan on spending some time off?"

 

"Yeah, not sure yet."Harry said taking a drink of his wine."Plans seem to keep changing."When he'd first brought up the break, he had wanted time to spend with Julie.He had wanted to have a more normal relationship to see where it could go.It all happened at a good time too. They were all exhausted from touring and recording and doing so much promo over the past five years.He wanted to make sure the fans got their best, and he didn't believe it was giving him their best when they were tired.He didn't know what he was going to do now.

 

"Yeah, guess they have since we first decided to do this, huh?"Niall said."But, I think it will be a good thing.We've now got time to regroup.Decide what we want to do, and then have the option of coming back together when we're ready."

 

"Aren't you guys going to miss it?Just a little?"Amanda asked.

 

"Sure, of course, we will miss it.It's all we've known for five years.It's been a great and a hell of a ride."Niall said smiling."It brought us wonderful things.Gave us the life we're able to live.Let us be able to take this break without having to worry about where our next dollar or meal will come from.I'm definitely going to miss it."

 

"Yeah, me too."Harry said."There's nothing better than making music and performing for the fans.Seeing them in the crowd having fun and simply enjoying life for at least the time they are at the show, well, there's nothing better.It will be strange to be away from it for a while.But also, an opportunity to see what else is out there."

 

They continued to hold conversations throughout dinner.Amanda noticed she and Niall did most of the talking.No matter how hard JJ and Harry were trying, it just seemed forced.Maybe this dinner wasn't such a good idea."Well, why don't I start cleaning up, since JJ did all of the cooking."She said as she stood up.

 

"No, sit down."Julie said standing up.

 

"Um, ok, boss."Amanda said laughing at JJ.

 

"Sorry, just, stay here.I worked hard on this dessert, and it's the first time I've made it. So can you just sit your butt down and let me serve it the way I want?"

 

"Yes, yes, ok, geez."Amanda said taking her seat again.She watched JJ take some of the dishes back to the kitchen.She watched Harry follow with some more dishes."Well, I could have helped.And this dinner does not seem to be going as planned.They both just mainly looked at their plates and only spoke when we asked them direct questions."

 

"I know.But we got them in the same room.And there weren't any daggers thrown, or arguing or fighting.We have to start somewhere, right?"He said.He rubbed his palms on his knees.He was starting to get nervous.He had been planning this for a while.He thought it would help with his nerves, but now that it was coming, now that it was time.He was nervous.He was sweating.His palms were clammy.

 

"Niall, are you ok?"Amanda asked."You look really hot.Do you want me to turn the temp down?"

 

"No, it's ok."He said.He watched Julie walk out of the kitchen with two plates of dessert.He saw Harry follow her with two more.It was part of the plan.

 

Julie nodded slightly at Niall for encouragement.She knew he was nervous.She was feeling nervous too.This was exciting.She had knots in her stomach, and she'd only helped.It didn't really affect her.She set one dessert down in front of Niall and then walked and set Amanda's down in front of her.Harry set down his and JJ's.

 

Amanda watched and was wondering what was going on.They were all looking at her.JJ and Harry sat down, but they kept looking."Ok, you guys are odd tonight."She picked up her fork and looked at her dessert.That's when she saw it.She stopped and stared at her plate.She was frozen.She couldn't breathe, she couldn't think, she couldn't speak.She thought she heard someone say something, but she didn't know who or what they said.Tears started to fill her eyes.Before she knew what was happening, she saw a hand reach in front of her eyes and felt someone beside her.She set her fork down and turned to see Niall down on one knee beside her.Her heart was about to leap out of her chest.He took the beautiful diamond ring that was gently placed on top of her dessert and was on one knee beside her.

 

Niall took a deep breath as he went down on one knee at Amanda's side."Amanda, we've been through a lot together over the past year.We've had so many great times, and each day I'm with you is better than the last.I was wondering, if you would make me the happiest man in the world, and agree to be my wife.Amanda, will you marry me?" He held out the ring towards her.

 

Amanda couldn't stop crying.She'd been waiting for this day since she was a little girl, and here the man of her dreams was on his knee in front of her with the most beautiful ring.Her friends were here and by her side, and she was SO surprised.She would have never guessed that the dinner was what this was about.She covered her mouth with her hands as the tears ran freely down her cheeks.She shook her head when she realized she still hadn't said anything."Yes!Yes!!Oh my god, YES!"She said.She put out her left hand when Niall reached for it and let him slide the ring onto her finger.She looked at it for a second and then practically tackled him with a hug.She wrapped her arms tighter around his neck as he stood up.She couldn't stop crying.

 

Niall stood up and closed his eyes and held her tight.Tears forming at the corners of his eyes.Tears of joy and happiness.She was the girl he had been waiting for.He'd known almost immediately that she was the one for him.Her dedication to her work, and her friend, and to him.She was exactly what he wanted.He was so happy that she'd said yes.He stood there holding her tight while her tears soaked his shoulder.

 

Julie smiled when Amanda got so excited and said yes.All their hard work had paid off.It had worked out perfectly.She was so excited for her friends.She knew that they were soul mates.There was no couple more perfect for each other than Panda and Niall.She would have never wanted to know a future without the two of them together.Even though Niall had proposed to Amanda, it felt like it solidified her also.She was a part of this.Of them.She felt so happy.But as happy as she was for them, she could feel that awful ache in her heart.This was hard.And sitting here with Harry a couple of feet from her made it ten times harder.She was happy for her friends.Beyond happy, but right now she just wanted to go.She felt quite hollow on the inside. Their happiness made her more aware of her own broken heart.She couldn't hold the tears back now.She looked down at her plate when Amanda and Niall were standing there in a long embrace.

 

Harry watched Amanda and Niall in silence.The work that had been put into this engagement dinner and the surprise itself had finally paid off.The dessert Julie had made was beautiful, but seeing the look on Amanda's face when she saw the ring placed on top was priceless.She was surprised.Niall and Julie had pulled it off, and Amanda was none the wiser.It was beautiful to see.When Amanda said yes and they embraced tightly, he looked over at Julie.She had looked down, and he could see the pain and the sadness in her face.She had done all of this for her friends, to make sure everything was perfect for Niall and Amanda to get engaged, all the while nursing her broken heart that he had caused.He could practically see her heartbreak on her face.He hated it.He wanted nothing more than to reach for her hand.Comfort her, hold her.Tell her it would be ok.But he didn't.He couldn't.He could see her wall.Almost like it projected itself around her.There was no way she would accept anything from him.He stood up and walked over to Amanda and Niall."Ok, ok, give me a minute to hug the soon-to-be bride."He gently pushed Niall and Amanda apart and then picked Amanda up and spun her in a circle."Congratulations!"

 

Amanda hung onto Harry's neck and laughed when he picked her up and spun her around."Thank you so much!I can't believe you guys knew!"

 

Julie stood up when Niall came towards her."You did it.You did great.Congratulations, friend.Although I never had any doubts."She hugged him and closed her eyes as he held her tightly.It felt nice.

 

"Thank you.And if it hadn't been for you, it would have never been this perfect.So, thank you again for everything."Niall squeezed her tighter and then looked at her face."I'm grateful for you doing this.Doing all of it even though you've been having a rough time."

 

"No, Niall, not tonight."She kissed him quick."Your happy night; this is yours and Panda's.Nothing can bring this down."She laughed as she was spun around, and Amanda grabbed her and pulled her tightly to her."Congratulations, best friend."She said wrapping her arms tightly around Panda's waist."I'm so super happy for you."

 

"You knew!I can't believe you knew, and you didn't tell me!How long did you know?"She loosened her grip on JJ so she could look at her.When JJ just shrugged, she hugged her tight again."So sneaky.I love you so much!I can't believe you did this and that this happened.You guys are so amazing!!"She stepped back and smiled walking back over to Niall.She kissed him and then wrapped her arms around his waist.She couldn't believe this night.She was so surprised.No wonder Harry and JJ had agreed to have dinner in the same room.She couldn't believe Niall would set them up like that.She should have known better.It was totally something she would have done.Tried to get them to spend some time together, but not Niall.Niall wouldn't do that.Now she knew why.What an amazing night.The only thing that would have made it better is if her friends were still happy and still together.She watched JJ lift her eyes to Harry's and could feel the sadness, the pain in both of them.She hated it.If they would only realize they were both fighting feelings for each other.You could also feel the tenseness, the walls, the doubts.She wished they would talk.She wished they would be completely honest with each other, but she could tell they just weren't ready to do so yet.She wondered if they ever would be. She and Niall had the best friends ever. They had put their feelings aside to be there for them tonight.What an amazing life she had.And now she was happily engaged.Engaged.She couldn't stop smiling.


	7. Chapter 7

After Julie admired Amanda's ring and convinced her multiple times how beautiful and perfect it was and that she was indeed happy for her, she took her glass of wine and went out onto the patio off the front room of the house.  She shut the sliding glass door behind her and looked up at the stars as she took a sip of her wine.  She knew Panda wanted her to spend more time with them tonight, but it was too hard right now.  She needed some fresh air and some time alone.  After she took another drink of her wine, she set the glass on the table, rubbed her hands over her face, and gently wiped the tears from her cheeks.  She had fought her emotions so hard since she'd pulled herself together after the break up.  Julie knew she was doing it, but it felt less painful.  She avoided watching anything on One Direction or listening to any of their music.  Harry had written some songs while they were on break from the tour.  She'd heard their new stuff.  There was one song in particular he had wanted her to hear.  The tour was going to start back up in a couple of weeks when he brought the track to her.  She closed her eyes as the memory returned.

 

"Hey, baby."  Harry had said when he walked into her room.  She was sitting in bed reading.  It was late.  Or real early in the morning.  He walked over and kissed her and then sat on the bed beside her.  "So, we recorded a song today.  I'd like you to hear it.  It's something I thought about before we left to start the tour, and something that I finished after I knew you were ok but still in the hospital.  Think you're up to hearing it now?"

 

Julie closed her book and set it aside.  "Sure, babe.  You sound excited about it."

 

"I am.  I can't wait for you to hear it.  Wonder who my inspiration was?"  He laughed and plugged the ear phones into his phone so she could hear the song better.  Before playing the song, he told her, "It's called 'If I Could Fly'.  It's very honest."  He let her put the ear buds in and then played the song.  He watched her intently to gauge her reactions.

 

Julie looked down at her hands as the song began playing.  His beautiful voice filling her ears as soon as the song started.  But the lyrics.  Jesus, the lyrics.  It was a combination of them both.  From beginning to end, the song was them.  Tears fell from her eyes almost from the first word.  He was truly incredible at what he did.  But that song.  She didn't know what to say.  When it ended, she slowly took the ear buds from her ears, but she couldn't say anything.  She was still trying to form thoughts.  All she could do was feel right now.  Her heart, she couldn't believe something like that had been written for her.  After a few minutes, she felt fingers lifting her chin so she lifted her eyes to Harry.  "I don't know what to say."  She sniffled.

 

Harry smiled at her and wiped a tear off her cheek with his thumb.  "You don't have to say anything, baby."  He leaned over and kissed her lips again and rested his forehead on hers.  "I just hope you like it."

 

"Like it?  Harry, it's beautiful.  Even if I hadn't lived the story, it's beautiful.  This song is going to be a favorite and touch so many hearts and souls.  The melody, the lyrics, your voices."  She couldn't help but start crying harder.  "Ok, there will be lots of tears."

 

Harry took her hands in his and rubbed his thumb over her knuckles.  He lifted one of her hands and pressed his lips to it, holding it there for a few moments while they sat in silence.  "You know that whenever I'm away, I really wish I could come home to you, right?  I'd truly give up anything if you asked me to.  We've talked about taking a break, and I really think we're going to after this tour."

 

"Harry, I'd never ask you to give that up for me.  Never." She reached up with her hand and wiped the stray tear that fell onto his cheek.  "It's who you are.  I'd never ask you to change that."

 

"I know you wouldn't."  He took her hand from his cheek and kissed it again.  "But I'd do it anyway.  I want to."  He pulled her up so he could sit on the bed and lean against the head board behind her.  He wrapped her in his arms.  "I know you've been the one hiding your heart for the most part.  But I don't share mine with just anyone.  I've shown it completely to you.  I am completely defenseless when it comes to you.  I want you to know that no matter how lonely you've ever felt that I'm there for you.  My heart is yours."

 

"You've made me defenseless too.  That's all I used to be.  Always being on the defense.  My scars, physical and not.  The emotional ones you can't see.  You've taken that and written it into a beautiful verse.  You've loved me even though those scars showed, not only on my body but on my soul.  You could have had anyone, someone with a perfect body, a scarless soul.  But you stayed.  And you fought for me.  Even though I was so damaged, even though I'm still damaged.  You love me, and you fight for me."

 

"I don't care about any of that.  I just hope you're listening when I say it.  Or hear it when I show you."  He nuzzled his face into her neck inhaled deeply, breathing in her scent.  "From the moment we met, there was a pull.  From the moment Lottie was telling me the story about you and Amanda and the pants.  From the moment I walked into that room and saw you, there has always been something.  It's just grown more and more over the past nine months.  I didn't expect to fall in love with you.  Or anyone at the time.  It just sort of pulled me right in."

 

Julie closed her eyes and held onto Harry's hands in front of her.  The tears coming harder again.  "I feel like your heart is inside of mine.  I feel like I just want to hold it there and keep it.  You are my heart.  And it beats again happily because of you."

 

"Every moment I'm not with you, it feels like a moment wasted.  All I think about is coming back to you.  How good it will be to see you again.  Whether it's an hour or a day, or a month.  It drives me crazy, it really does make me feel like I'm going out of my mind.  I just don't want you to run from me.  Not ever, not again."  He closed his eyes with his face buried in her hair.  The smell of her favorite shampoo locked away in his memories.  Green Apple shampoo.  He buried his nose into her neck again.  With just a hint of raspberry body wash.  She smelled so good; he always wanted to take a bite.  He chuckled at the thought.

 

"I'm right where I want to be, Harry.  Here, with you, in your arms.  And no matter how far apart we are.  It's where I always belong."  She turned to him so she could look at his face.  "I love you.  I never thought I could ever love anyone.  But there was no choice.  No matter how hard I fought it, I always knew."  She reached her lips up to his and kissed him.  "It's only you. It's only been you."  She whispered as his lips found hers again.  The kiss started out gently and sweet, but it ended deep and passionate.  Harry had moved out from behind her and pulled her hips so she was lying on the bed on her back, and he was between her legs.  She smiled up at him as he smiled down at her.  His lips were coming closer to hers....

 

Julie shook her head as she heard her name.  Another memory that seemed so close and so real.  She reached up and wiped her cheeks and cleared her throat.  It took her a minute, but she recognized it as Harry's voice.  "Yeah?"  She couldn't turn around yet.  That memory had hit her hard.  The tears were flowing freely down her cheeks now.

 

"Niall and Amanda want to have one last toast before the night ends.  I thought maybe you'd want to come in for it?  I know they'd like it."  He said to her.  He watched her.  Her body language even with her back to him seemed tired and sad.  She had been deep in thought when he came out here.  He'd stood and watched her for a good five minutes before he'd said anything.

 

"Yeah, of course.  I, just need a minute."  She said failing at keeping the emotion out of her voice.  "Thank you."

 

Shit!  Harry thought.  She's crying.  Damn it!  What was she thinking about?  Why was she upset?  His heart hurt when he heard the emotion in her voice.  He stood there without moving.  He saw himself walk up behind her and wrap her in his arms.  Telling her it was ok, that she didn't need to cry.  That he would be there.  He saw it.  Clear as day.  He felt it.  He felt her body in his arms.  He felt the warmth of her back against his chest.  He shook his head and removed himself from the day dream.  He was still standing behind her a good five feet.  "Sure, I will tell them you'll be right in."  He stood there another few minutes before he turned and walked back into the house.  Damn it!  He needed to get out of here.  This was a great night.  He was glad he was here, and he was happy for Niall and Amanda.  But now, it was becoming too much.  The emotion of it all was getting to him.  He wanted to have some more drinks.  He wanted to drink to numb the pain in his heart but also so that Julie would have to put him to bed again.  So he'd have an excuse to touch her.  To hold her.  But he also knew she would never go for it again.  She would push him away harder this time.  He walked back up to Niall and Amanda.  "She's coming in a second.  She said she needed a minute."  He picked up his glass of champagne.  "I think after this drink I'm going to head home."  He didn't want to stick around any longer.  He felt like he had a lump in his throat.  His hearing that emotion in her voice and knowing she was crying was tearing him up.  He didn't want it to.  Fuck, he was pushing his emotions aside just like she was.  But he knew why she did now.  The pain of the truth was just too hard.

 

Julie leaned her hand on the table when she heard Harry go back inside.  She could barely keep standing.  She cried.  Hard. She didn't want to.  She didn't want to do this tonight, of all nights, but she couldn't help it.  Again, with all of the emotions. The memories she'd pushed aside.  The pain she'd fought.  It all overwhelmed her again.  She and Harry hadn't been as far along in their relationship as Niall and Amanda were.  They hadn't been ready for the next step.  She was still working on her independence.  She felt she was already too dependent on Harry.  But that broke him.  That made him think she didn't need him.  When that was the furthest thing from the truth.  She needed him just as much, in a different way.  She needed him to be patient and understanding as he'd always been.  She needed him to let her stand on her own so they could stand stronger together.  She couldn't rely on him to be everything anymore.  She needed herself first.  It would have made them stronger if he had just been stronger himself a little while longer.  But as much as she changed when she broke free from that last grip Johnny had on her, he had too.  Everything changed.  She pushed herself off the table wiped her eyes again, grabbed her glass, and turned to go inside.  She ran into the bathroom quickly to try to minimize the damage of crying.  She knew they would all know, but hopefully they could just pretend they didn't, just to get through this.  She didn't want to ruin the night.  She splashed some cool water on her face and then walked back out.  "Ok, let's toast to the happy couple.  Then we can let them do what they need to do together to solidify this night."  She forced a smile and raised her glass.

 

"As Niall said at dinner, to great friends, great times, and great memories."  Amanda raised her glass and smiled as everyone's glasses came together.  "Thank you, so much, for being here for this.  For one of the most memorable nights of my life.  I couldn't have asked for more."  Well, maybe just a little bit more.  She wanted to see JJ truly happy and not faking a smile right now.  She wanted to see her with happy eyes instead of red puffy eyes.  She knew, as was obvious to everyone, that JJ had been crying.  But she wouldn't bring it up.  She knew JJ wouldn't want that.  They all did.  So, they all stayed silent.  Amanda wasn't sure that this silence was best for JJ, but she knew if she pushed it now, the night she had gotten engaged, JJ would just run from it anyway, as to not put a damper on her night.

 

"I wouldn't have been anywhere else.  I love you, Panda.  And when Niall asked for me to be a part of this, I couldn't have been happier.  I've waited to watch your dreams start to come true, and I know that he's your dream guy.  Plus, I feel like I'm gaining too."  Julie said looking over at Niall.  "I'm gaining a brother and a best friend, because he's marrying my sister and my best friend."  She took a shaky breath.  "I honestly don't know what I would do without the two of you.  I couldn't be happier for you both.  Everything you have and everything you share are what everyone long for.  You, to me, are the perfect couple."  She tried to joke.  "And to prove it, I'm going to do something completely out of the ordinary."  She turned and looked directly at Niall.  "I love you, so much.  I can't even explain it.  And for you to make my best friend the happiest girl in the universe makes me love you that much more.  I will go back to the 'I hate you's' tomorrow.  But right now, know that I love you, Niall.  I couldn't bear to lose you, ever."

 

"Well, damn it, JJ."  Niall said setting his glass down and walking up to her.  Tears in his eyes.  "You had to go and do that to me?"  He wrapped his arms around her tightly and hugged her.  "I love you, too.  And I will always be here for you, no matter what."  He held her in his arms and felt tears on his shoulder.  He let her gather herself before he stepped back.  "And I may just have to actually tell you that a little bit more."  He kissed her cheek and stepped back.

 

Amanda walked up and hugged JJ after Niall did.  "I love you, and thank you so much again."  She tried to take JJ's hand and walk towards the patio with her.

 

"No, Panda.  I know what you want to do.  But I can't.  Not tonight.  I will be fine.  And we can talk tomorrow, or the next day, or the day after.  You only get engaged once.  I won't take away from that."  She wasn't going to lie completely and tell her she was fine and that she didn't need to talk, Amanda would call her on her bull shit.  So, she just delayed.  "We will talk.  I promise.  Just, not now."

 

Harry hugged Niall and then Amanda.  "You two have always been great together.  Through the good times and the bad, you two always stood strong.  I'm happy to see this happen.  And Amanda, thank you, for making our little Nialler happy.  It's such a blessing."  He kissed Amanda's cheek.  "What a perfect night."  Well, not quite.  But, there was no need to bring that up.

 

"Well, there's one more thing.  And then I'm going to excuse myself."  Julie said.  She smiled at Niall and then went and grabbed the envelope from her room.  "Niall put me on a mission, to not only make the dinner for tonight, but to make sure that something else happened."  She handed Amanda the envelope.  "It took some doing, but I managed."

 

Amanda took the envelope and looked at everyone.  "Come on, how much more could there be?  The last time you handed me an envelope we flew to Florida."  She opened the envelope and pulled out plane tickets.  First to Iowa and then to Ireland. She once again started to cry.  "Oh, Jesus."

 

"You fly out tomorrow."  Julie said.  "Work is taken care of.  You have off until after the New Year."

 

Amanda looked up at JJ, tears flowing again.  "What?  But I'm on the schedule."

 

"Yeah, but just as a ruse.  I didn't want you suspicious.  But I worked it out.  We weren't scheduled a lot together.  That's because I was able to pick up some of your shifts then, not like I had a whole lot of other things on my plate.  And all the other nurses picked up their share too.  And then the new schedules were worked out without you on them."  Julie wrapped her arms around Amanda when Amanda hugged her again.  "You're welcome."

 

"God, I don't know what I did to deserve all of this."  Amanda said still hugging JJ.

 

"You're the best friend and girlfriend, well fiancée, anyone could ask for."  Julie said.  "You deserve to tell your family and Niall's family in person.  I'm glad I could help."  She pulled back.  "Ok, now I'm going to excuse myself.  I've had a long day of cooking and planning and plotting.  I'm going to clean up and head to bed.  Congratulations again."  She said as she grabbed her glass and took it to the kitchen.  She was finishing putting things in the dishwasher when she saw a glass and tattooed arm in front of her gently placing his glass onto the shelf and then a couple of more glasses.  They must have been Amanda and Niall's.

 

"Is there anything I can help you with?"  Harry asked standing straight after putting the glasses into the dishwasher.  "Thank you, for doing all of that for Niall.  It really made him happy."

 

"Yeah, I'd do anything for them."  Julie set the dishwasher and closed the door.  "And, no thank you, I'm almost done.  No reason to stick around to help."

 

"I'd like to help. They're my friends too."  He said leaning back against the counter.  "Would it be so hard to just let me help clean up?"

 

She wiped her hands on a towel and then set it on the sink.  Really?  He had to ask?  She wanted to scream at him.  Of course, it would be!  But she took a deep breath instead.  "Yes, it would.  I'd rather you just go."

 

"Of course, you would."  He pushed himself off of the counter and started to walk out of the kitchen, but he stopped.  "Is it ever going to stop being like this?"  He turned towards her slowly.  "Will you ever stop hating me?  Can we ever just, get along enough to coexist with each other?  For Amanda and Niall?"

 

She froze.  Did he really just ask her that?  Did he really just ask if she would ever stop hating him?  She wished she could hate him.  If she hated him, it would be SO much easier.  She wanted to stop loving him!  She wanted to stop the pain of loving someone who didn't want her.  The pain that question had just caused in her heart was strictly unbearable.  How could she still be so in love with someone who didn't want her?  She tried to push the feelings down.  She couldn't admit to him that she still loved him.  She couldn't say it.  She had to fight it.  "No, I don't think it will change."  She gave up on the cleaning.  It could happen tomorrow.  She could look for an apartment while Niall and Amanda were gone.  Harry had no reason to come here while they were off in Iowa and Ireland.  She could take her time, and by the time, they came back, and by the time Harry came back around, she could be gone.  "Excuse me; the rest can wait until tomorrow."  She said as she walked out from behind the counter.  She felt a hand gently take her by the elbow.  Damn him.  What was he doing?

 

"I'm sorry."  He said.  He quickly added.  "I'm sorry that you feel that way.  I was hoping for our friends we could learn to be around each other without it feeling so awkward."

 

"We can be friends with them without having to be friends ourselves."  She said.  "We've done it for months, and it still worked. It doesn't have to change now."  She was going to break.  She couldn't stay here with him anymore.  "Please let me go."  When he dropped her elbow, she let out a breath of relief.  "Please, could you just leave me alone?"  She asked through her tears as she quickly went towards her bedroom.  Amanda and Niall must have already gone to their room, thank god, because she didn't want them to see her right now.  She went into her room and fell onto her bed.  It hurt.  It shouldn't still hurt so much.  She shouldn't want him with every fiber of her being.  She shouldn't want him to be the one to hold her and comfort her.  But all she wanted was for him to do that and tell her it would be ok.  But she didn't want to be his 'friend'.  She screamed into her pillow and punched the bed.  This fucking sucked.  She just wanted to forget him.  She just wanted to move on and be with someone who wanted her.  Be with someone who understood her need to do things on her own right now.  Maybe she wouldn't always need to be so independent, but right now she did.  Someone could understand that, couldn't they?  She wanted it to be Harry, but it wasn't.  Now she just wished she could burn him out of her brain.

 

Harry sighed when she ran.  Now that he was alone, he felt emotional himself.  There were times tonight he had just wanted to tell her he was sorry, that he had been wrong.  That he shouldn't have let her go.  But how could he admit that mistake?  He couldn't make a mistake like that.  He wanted to move on, get over the hurt and the pain, that's why he was trying to talk to her and make it less awkward.  Yeah, that was it.  He tried to convince himself.  It's not that he wanted her back.  It's not that he still loved her.  Things changed too much for that.  She didn't want him.  She said that she wouldn't stop hating him.  Fine. That was ok.  Now, he knew.  Now, he could move on.  Niall and Amanda were leaving tomorrow.  The engagement dinner was over.  He wouldn't need to see Julie at all, and he was sure even after Niall and Amanda came back, he could make it so he only spent time with them when Julie wasn't around.  It wouldn't be hard.  Why try to fight for a relationship of any kind when it was completely over?  He grabbed his keys and walked out of Niall's door.  He turned before it shut and started to go back in.  He wanted to push his way into her room and just pull her to him.  Hold her.  Make her feel whole again.  He swore.  "Fuck!"  He let go of the door and let it shut and hurried to his car.  He needed to get out of there.  He needed to forget about her.  He needed a way to move on.


	8. Chapter 8

A couple of weeks after the engagement and after Niall and Amanda had left on their month-long trip to visit their families and tell them about their being engaged, Julie was woken by her phone ringing.  She had worked so much the past couple of weeks, and she was exhausted.  Who would be calling her?  No one called her. Amanda would have known she would be sleeping, and right now, she really was alone.  She reached for her phone and answered sleepily.  She sat straight up when she heard the voice on the other end.  "Zayn?"  It was Zayn, and Julie wondered why he would be calling.

 

"Yeah, hey JJ."  Zayn said.  "Did I wake you?"

 

"Yeah, I worked last night."  She looked over at the clock.  It was just after noon.  She had been asleep for about three hours.  "Seems like I don't get a lot of sleep lately.  What's going on?  Why would you be calling?"

 

"Well, can't I just say hi?"  He asked chuckling.

 

"Zayn."  Julie warned.  "What's going on?"

 

"Sorry, I asked if I could call you.  How fast can you get ready?"  He asked.

 

"How fast can I get ready?  Zayn, stop messing around.What am I supposed to be getting ready for?  What are you up to?"  Julie asked yawning.  "If you're going to just be cheeky then I'm going back to sleep."

 

"Ok, ok, I asked to call you because we have an interest in your songs."  Zayn said.

 

"How do you know?  Why would you know?  And what do you mean we?"  Julie's brain was running all over.  "Which song?"

 

"All four JJ."  Zayn couldn't help but laugh.  "I was working with the producers that you worked with. They were contacted, and I asked if I could call you.  Can you meet us at the studio?  They want to talk to you about it.  I can leave for a while if you'd rather."

 

"Leave?  Yeah, I mean, no, if you're working with them, then you don't have to go.  Songs?  All of them?  Are you serious?  Holy shit."  Julie said.  "I mean, that's insane."

 

"No, it's not.  It's amazing.  And it proves I was right.  You're good.  And maybe, just maybe you will start to believe it now.  I will let them know you're coming, and tell them you'll be an hour or so.  Does that give you enough time?"  Zayn asked.

 

"Yeah, I'll make it work."  She said.  Before she hung up she said, "Zayn, thank you."

 

"No thanks necessary.  I'm just glad I got to be the one to tell you.  See you soon."  Zayn said hanging up.  He advised the crew he was working with that Julie would be there shortly.  He was happy for her.  Zayn knew that she'd gone through a lot in her life, and he also knew things weren't going really well for her now that she and Harry weren't together.  Maybe this was the good thing that could start her back on track to moving forward again.  He smiled at the thought and then went back to work waiting for her to arrive.

 

Julie got up, showered, and got dressed.  She chose a nice pants suit to wear.  She honestly wasn't sure what to wear.  What do you wear to a meeting where they are going to talk to you about a singer wanting to do your songs?  About songs being recorded.  She knew nothing about it.  She was proud of herself for starting out on this journey. But if she was honest with herself, she had never thought that there would actually be any interest in a song she'd written, and now they were telling her four songs at once.  She was so curious about the details now.  Who wanted them, and who was going to sing them?  She really needed to figure this out.  Did she need someone to help her with this?  Ugh, she should have thought this through.  She did her make-up and stood up.  She looked in the mirror.  She looked tired.  But it was the best she was going to be able to do right now.  She grabbed her bag and walked out front.  She left the house to take the bus, but then wondered how would it seem if she rolled up to the studio in a bus.  She shouldn't care, but she grabbed the car keys from the bowl.  Niall, of course, had told her to use the car whenever she wanted.  This was the first time she decided to actually use it.  She took a deep breath and walked out the door.

 

Traffic was a lot busier than she expected, and it took her forty-five minutes to get to the studio, so she was later than she expected to be.  She hated that.  She parked and nervously played with the keys in her hand.  She threw the bag over her shoulder and walked into the studio.  She walked into the room that she had recorded in with the producers and was immediately greeted with smiling faces.  "Hey, well this is a nice welcome."

 

Zayn walked over to Julie when she came in and kissed her cheek and pulled her into a hug.  "You deserve it.  Besides everyone's thrilled this worked out."  He put his hands on her shoulders, stepped back and looked at her.  "This is quite an amazing thing."

 

"It is. I'm not really sure what to think."  She smiled at Zayn.  She was secretly glad he was here.  She didn't know what to think or do, and she wasn't sure how to handle the situation.  She should have thought about all of this before she'd started.  She should have brought Niall in to help her with this.  Now she wouldn't know how this worked.

 

"It's ok.  If you want, I will stay and help you understand.  But it's really just a formality at this point.  Simply put, if you want the person interested in recording the songs, then they do.  Everything else happens afterwards.  If the songs are used and such."  Zayn explained.

 

"Yes, please, if you could stay that would be great.  I appreciate everything you've done.  Whether you want to admit it or not, it was a lot.  You think it's small, but if it wasn't for you, none of this would have happened."  Julie said walking over and sitting down on the couch next to Zayn.

 

"Well, I'm glad it worked out."  Zayn smiled at her.

 

"Me too."  She smiled back at him and then listened to everyone talk about how it was going to go.  An up and coming pop singer, young, and female wanted to sing her songs.  Her name was JoAnn Johnson, but they called her JoJo.  She'd listened to some of JoJo's recordings and was blown away by the power in her voice.  It would be an honor to have someone with that amount of talent to sing her songs.  The producers explained to Julie how the royalties worked and what would happen if her songs made it onto the album and if they became singles.  The performances, playlists, etc.  It all seemed very complicated; but to Julie, it wasn't about the money, it was about the fact that someone else thought so deeply about her words.  Words that meant so much to her.  The fact that someone else enjoyed her words as much as she did. 

 

After a bit of discussion, she got the opportunity to speak with JoJo on the phone.  She was very sweet and seemed excited about the opportunity to sing the songs.  Julie was overwhelmed by the time the call was over.  JoJo said that once the songs were recorded, she wanted Julie to be able to hear them right away.  It was surreal and amazing.  She spoke to the producers for a while, and then when it was time to go, she lost her smile for the first time since she had gotten there.  She realized that she was going to go home after all of this, alone.  She had no one to share any of this with.  She stood in the lobby stricken when that realization hit her.

 

"JJ?"  Zayn said as he walked out to the lobby.  "What's wrong?  Are you ok?"

 

"Yeah, I'm fine.  It's been a great day."  She said.  "Thanks to you. Guess it's a great thing I ran into you at the hotel.  If not, I don't think this would have happened."

 

"Julie."  Zayn said.  "Don't tell me everything's fine.  Even I can tell that your expression has changed drastically in the last few minutes."

 

Not many people called her Julie anymore.  Harry always did. He'd never bought into the whole JJ thing.  It was something they shared when everyone else called her JJ.  Just another one of those memories that had to come back at the worst times.  Zayn mainly called her JJ.  He would only call her Julie when she was trying to hide things from him when he asked her specific questions.  She sighed.  "I haven't had anyone call me Julie in a while."  She said with a half-smile.

 

"Stop changing the subject.  What's wrong?"  He asked her with a concerned look on his face.

 

Julie looked at Zayn's face and couldn't help but smile.  "It's ok. I just realized that with Amanda and Niall gone right now I'm going to go home alone and not have anyone to share this with."  She took a deep breath.  "Guess I went back to trying to protect myself so much that I went back to being lonely.  When I went to leave, I just realized it for the first time.  I got used to being able to share with people, and now, I just can't."

 

"You can.  Amanda and Niall would love to hear what's going on."  Zayn said to her.

 

"I can't.  Not now.  They just got engaged, and they went to tell their families.  I can't call them now and say, hey, you know what I've been so secret about well, here it is..."  Julie said.

 

"They got engaged?  Well, good on them."  Zayn said.  He shouldn't be surprised. Amanda and Niall did seem to move pretty quickly through the stages of their relationship.  He was glad Niall was happy and found his love.  He couldn't help but remember his own broken engagement.  He looked up at Julie.She and Harry weren't engaged, but it had to be just as difficult for her to go through it.  "Ok, look, why don't you come with me?  We can get a drink and we can celebrate, even if it's just one drink.  Let me do that for you."

 

She looked at him for a minute.  She remembered why she'd told him they should keep their distance before, but right now she really needed someone.  Someone to celebrate with and someone she could just spend time with.  Someone who already knew the situation.  "Yeah, please.  That would be great."

 

"Really?  I honestly didn't think it would be that easy.  I was prepared.  I was going to bring my A game."  Zayn laughed.  He put his elbow out so she could take it.  "I'm glad you accepted.  This is something that should be celebrated."

 

Julie took his arm and walked outside with him.  "I drove Niall's car today.  Do you want to meet somewhere?"

 

"How about you drive home, and I will pick you up.  I will have a driver so we don't have to drink and drive."  He said walking her to the car.

 

"Ok, sounds great."  Julie got in the car and drove back to Niall's. She parked the car and then walked to the end of the driveway to wait for Zayn.  When he got there, she got in and rode with him to The Beverly Hill Hotel.  "Um, what are we doing here?"

 

"Well, I figured this is the best place to not have any problems with being seen together.  You said there were issues last time.  I don't want there to be issues today, we know what this is about, but you know it can be spun however the media wants it."  He said helping her from the car and walking her into the hotel.  "We are just going to have a little get together in my room."  When Julie looked at him he started to laugh.  "Not just the two of us.  The producers are coming and a couple of other people.  Relax."

 

"Why do I have a feeling this isn't the best way to keep our 'relationship' on the down low."  She laughed and walked with him to the elevator.

 

"Well, either way, I think we're screwed.  So, let's just have a good time."  He opened his room door for her and watched her walk in.

 

"Thanks for that positivity, Zayn."  Julie said looking around his room.  "Well, could be worse temporary places to live."  She sat down and took the glass of wine Zayn offered to her.  Before she knew it, the place was crawling with people.  Even dating Harry for nine months, she had never been to a party with so many music insiders.  It was such an overwhelming feeling.  She couldn't believe how kind everyone was and how much she laughed.  They all congratulated her.  She it was floating on cloud nine.  And she was also drinking too much wine.  Hours flew by.  She felt more than just a bit tipsy.  People started slowly leaving, and when Zayn walked up, she lifted her eyes to him.  "I think it's time for me to go.  Do you think you could get someone to drive me?"

 

"I could, but it would be just as easy for you to stay."  He said.  "Julie, it's not like we'll be alone.  There are others that are staying."

 

"Just, stop with the Julie."  She sighed stepping back and sitting on the couch.  "It's so confusing."  She rubbed her head.  "I think it's best I go home."

 

He sat down next to her and put his arm around her.  "Oh, come on, seriously, just crash and when you wake up, you can go home.  I'm not sure I should send you home alone in your condition."

 

She laid her head on his shoulder.  She shouldn't.  Even in her inebriated state, she knew she shouldn't, but she did.  "Alone, is probably the best thing for my state right now."

 

He kissed the top of her head and ran his hand up and down her arm.  "Nah, I know how it goes.  Best is to stay with friends."

 

"Is that what we are?  Friends?"  She said as she closed her eyes.  The room was starting to spin.  She'd heard the word friends a lot from males lately.  Especially members and ex members of One Direction.  "I'm kind of tired of friends, truth be had."

 

"Yes, JJ, we're friends.  At least for tonight."  He looked down at her when she didn't answer.  She was passed out.  He chuckled quietly and then moved her slightly so he could stand up.  He picked her up slowly and took her to the bedroom part of the suite.  He laid her down and covered her up.  He lay down beside her and moved his arm when she cuddled up to him.  He smiled when she laid her head on his chest.  His thoughts weren't always pure when it came to her.  There were times when he wanted to push it a little more, and go past that friend stage, but he could tell she was still in pain.  He didn't want to be another person that she felt hurt by.  If he wanted, tonight would have been the night to push it. She had lost a bit of her inhibition after a few glasses of wine.  She let herself open up and talk to people she didn't know.  He actually watched her when she worked the room.  If she could believe in herself, he had no doubts she would be successful in anything she wanted to make happen.  He wrapped his arm around her tighter and let her sleep on his shoulder.

 

When Julie woke up, even before she opened her eyes, she felt the headache.  Oh god, a hangover.  She hadn't had one for over a year.  Her last one was in London on Amanda's birthday, when she and Amanda made out in the middle of the club.  Oh crap.  What had she done this time?  She then realized she wasn't alone and felt an arm around her, and her head on someone's chest.  Oh shit.  She slowly opened her eyes to see Zayn asleep.  She sat up quickly.  "Shit."  She said rubbing her face.

 

"Well, good morning to you too."  Zayn said sleepily.  "You scared the shit out of me."

 

"Sorry."  She looked back at him.  What did she do?  She tried to recall everything from the night before.  She couldn't seem too.  She looked down at her hands and then back at him.  "What did we do?"

 

Zayn laughed.  "You don't remember?"  He asked sitting up next to her.

 

"Christ.  No."  She said starting to panic.  What did she do with him?  Oh, she really needed to never drink again.

 

"Relax, JJ.  I sat down on the couch with you and told you to stay. You passed out on my shoulder so I brought you to bed.  You lay on my chest, and we slept.  You can calm down now."  He said to her.

 

"Seriously?"  She asked looking at him.  When he nodded, she let out a sigh of relief.  "Sorry.  I know it must seem bad when I say it like that; I just didn't want to, you know.  I just, didn't want, to have something happen, that wasn't supposed to."  She stumbled, realizing she wasn't making much sense, but might be hurting Zayn in her confusion.

 

"It's ok.  I get it.  I'm not going to lie to you and say I didn't think about it.  But, I respect you too much to take advantage of you like that.  Now, if you didn't have anything to drink, or if you decided now that you wanted to be with me, I wouldn't turn you down."  He looked at her face.

 

She looked him in his eyes.  Kind, beautiful, deep eyes.  Part of her still wanted to just let herself be with him.  But she knew it would only be a temporary fix.  She wasn't ready in her head or in her heart to move on.  She laughed softly at the reference to Niall's song he wrote.  Would be the perfect tune to be playing in the background right now.  "Part of me, wants to just throw caution to the wind and let it happen between us.  I can't deny that there's always been some sort of connection and attraction.  But I know I'm not ready Zayn, and I wouldn't want to hurt you."

 

"I could hurt you, too."  He put his hand on her cheek and moved her lips towards his.  He kissed her gently on the lips.  "Neither of us knows what will happen."

 

She kept her eyes closed after his light peck on the lips.  "Yeah, I'm sort of done with the unknown at the moment.  I'm sorry."  She put her hand on his cheek and took a deep breath.  Why was she so damn noble?  Why couldn't she just be the one who moved onto a rebound guy?  Especially one like Zayn.  But she couldn't.  She leaned forward and kissed him gently on the lips and pulled back when he put his hand behind her neck.  "Thank you, for everything.  And for celebrating with me last night.  I hope you find someone to make you happy again.  But, we know that's not me.  Especially now.  I do hope we can stay friends though."  She kissed his cheek and got up.  "I'm going to grab the bus home.  Please don't try and stop me.  I can manage.  Thanks again, Zayn."  She grabbed her bag, put on her shoes and waved one more time as she left.  She walked down to the bus stop and got on the bus home.  She sat back in the seat and closed her eyes.  She was so confused.  She touched her lips.  She wanted to let him kiss her the way he had wanted to.  But she couldn't.  She wasn't over Harry yet.  She wasn't sure she ever would be.  She squeezed her eyes shut to push back the tears.  Just get home, she thought, then you can break down, and sleep the day away.  She opened her eyes and watched out the window the rest of the way home.


	9. Chapter 9

Julie worked hospital shifts Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and the day after Christmas, so she could have off over New Years; the memory of the year before haunted her through all of Christmas.Tahoe had been such a wonderful, extraordinary time for her.For her and her friends, for her and Harry.She decided to spend the New Years back in Wisconsin with her family.Her visit with them went better than she had expected.She returned a few weeks after the New Year and unlocked Niall's front door.Exhausted, she dragged her bag in behind her and set it aside.Before she could fully turnaround from closing the door, she was grabbed and hugged.Julie started laughing."Hey Panda.Glad to see you made it home safely."She said, wrapping her arms around Amanda's waist.

 

"I'm so glad to see you!"Amanda, exuding the happiness of the recently engaged, said stepping back and taking JJ's hand and dragging her to the couch."I've got so much to tell you!"

 

"I bet you do, but you couldn't let me put my bag in my room at least?"Julie asked her still laughing.God, she'd missed Panda.She hadn't realized how much she was going to miss her."I missed you, a lot."There were things she could tell Amanda too, but she would wait until after all of the engagement happenings were over.The engagement party here in LA was coming up very soon, and as of now, she'd had a ton of RSVPs."I've got to talk to you too, you know, about this party that's coming up."

 

"I can't believe how much work you've done while I've been all over the place."Amanda sighed happily, hugging JJ again.

 

"I'd do it all over again."Julie said.She couldn't help but smile at Amanda's overly excited, detailed explanation about Niall's and her trip to see their families.About the family's reactions, about the fun that was had.About the month-long vacation.Julie looked at what must have been a thousand digital pictures of smiling family members, and Niall and Amanda both looking blissful.Amanda was definitely enthusiastic.Julie laughed again and handed Amanda her bottle of water that she had been holding and playing with the entire time Amanda had been talking."Here, Panda, take a breath and a drink."

 

"Sorry!"Amanda said."Guess I'm a little excited.A lot of things happened."

 

"It's ok.You're allowed."Julie smiled, leaning back on the couch.

 

"And you know when you're so damn calm, it just makes me that much more jumpy."Amanda admonished taking another drink of water.

 

"Well, you're the one who got engaged and traveled the world.Not me."Julie said taking her water back."I said have a drink not take all that's mine."

 

"Share, JJ.Share."Amanda shook her head and leaned back on the couch too."So, what did you do for the month I was gone?"

 

"Nothing but miss you."Julie practically spit out the water she had just taken a drink of when she saw the look Amanda gave her.She laughed."What?It was sweet, right?"When Amanda crossed her arms, she continued."I worked.I sent out invitations to this massive party I'm throwing you apparently. I set things up for it.I came home. I slept."She shrugged.Nothing more to tell, right?No reason to tell Amanda that an up and coming singer was going to sing four songs she had written.No reason to tell her that she'd ended up partying with Zayn and staying at his hotel.Julie needed to talk to her about it.She needed to tell Amanda, but not yet.Yeah, she was saying that a lot lately.Not yet.Then something else would come up that would convince her that she should wait again.Ok, after the party, then no more excuses."Oh, and I looked for apartments.I think I found one.Just waiting on approval.It's little, and cute, and not too far from work.A little more expensive than I thought it would be, but guess living on your own in LA is expensive.Hence, why we've lived together forever."

 

"You know there's no hurry for you to leave."Amanda said.

 

"Panda, you and Niall are engaged and will soon be planning a wedding, and then actually being married.You don't need me here during all of that."Julie said.

 

"Um, yes.You've already done basically everything.How am I supposed to take care of it by myself?"Amanda asked.

 

"Hmm, I didn't say I wouldn't help.Just said you don't need me here.Believe it or not, living in my own apartment still allows me to help you with details."Julie said shaking her head.

 

"Yeah, but I can't just walk into your room in the middle of the night, or middle of the day, or middle of anything and tell you what I'm thinking, or ask if what I'm thinking is a good idea."Amanda pouted.

 

"Well, here's the thing.Whatever you want, you get.It's your wedding, not mine.And secondly, there's this really amazing device that's been invented."Julie said pulling out her cell phone."You pick it up, pull up my name, press the green call button, put it up to your ear, and it magically brings my voice to you."

 

"And I'm going to change your name on my phone to Smartass instead of JJ."Amanda said slapping JJ's shoulder.

 

"Listen, you brought that on yourself."Julie said standing up."I'm glad everything was perfect on your trip, and I'm glad you got the man of your dreams.Now, since I listened to everything, I'm going to bed.Work will be here before you know it, and I'm exhausted."

 

"Yeah, I work tonight, too.Meet you in the kitchen later."Amanda said grabbing JJ and hugging her one more time."Thank you.Again.For everything."

 

"You're welcome, Panda."Julie smiled and wrapped her arms around Amanda's waist.She stepped back after their embrace."Now, leave me alone so I can go to bed."She blew Amanda a kiss and turned away, grabbed her bag, and walked to her room.

 

Amanda shook her and went to bed.She liked having even a bit of smartass JJ back.It didn't happen as much anymore. She understood why, but it was nice to have some of the old JJ back.It had been tough since JJ and Harry had broken up.Dynamics had changed all around.But JJ needed support.She had changed a lot since her confrontation with Johnny, but she had reverted back to hiding things. Amanda could sense it.

 

Later that evening, after a restless sleep, Amanda was sitting at the counter drinking a cup of coffee trying to wake up enough before she had to go to work.She was up a bit earlier than usual.She had decided to check her social media, which she didn't do that often anymore.There had been a lot of backlash and comments, good, bad, and some downright nasty, that she and JJ had dealt with when people had begun finding out more and more about them.It was hard to take sometimes, and JJ had received attention much worse than she'd had.Amanda went cold and practically spat out her coffee when she saw the pictures.Jesus Christ.Not again.She looked through all the pictures, the captions, the stories.She then checked multiple social media platforms.She could feel the bile rising inside her. How could he?She seriously could not believe what she was looking at.But there was no denying it.Harry definitely looked like he had been having a great time ringing in the New Year.She sat back, feeling sick to her stomach, and stared at the images.Amanda heard someone behind her and quickly closed the laptop.She turned around and could tell by the look on JJ's face that it was too late.JJ had seen the pictures of Harry and Kendall, on a yacht, practically unclothed, and in some rather compromising positions.There was no question what had been happening on that yacht."JJ."Amanda said standing up, but she was immediately greeted with JJ taking a step back. She could see JJ drawing into herself like a turtle drawing into its shell.

 

"Don't."Julie said raising a warning hand.She took a few deep breaths.She fought the tears, but the more she did, the more she shook."I have no say on who he sees."She managed to get out as she walked towards the coffee maker."I have no say in who he chooses to sleep with."She felt so stupid.What kind of idiot was she? What kind of idiot had Harry taken her for? That night he had been drunk, and she gave into him.And then he'd wasted no time going back to Kendall.He always seemed to go back to Kendall.

 

"JJ, it's ok to have feelings."Amanda said gently.She knew JJ would push her away, but Amanda walked toward her anyway.She wrapped her arms around JJ's waist from behind."It's ok not to like it.Hell, it's ok to hate it.It's ok to get angry.Please get angry. I'm begging you."

 

"No.I won't."Julie refused.This time she was successful in fighting back the tears.She started making her coffee."I don't care."She said the words.She heard them come out her mouth, but she didn't even convince herself."I don't care."She repeated.Maybe trying to convince herself by saying them one more time.She looked at the clock."I forgot something in my room.Give me a few minutes, and then we can go.Ok?"She said as she walked back to her room not even waiting for a response from Amanda.Julie walked into her bedroom and collapsed on her bed.She shouldn't, she knew that, but she couldn't seem to help herself.She pulled out her phone, went to Google, and looked at the pictures.All of them.Every bikini clad picture.All the images of Kendall and Harry cuddled up together. The pictures of Harry and Kendall burning into her brain.The long legs and the perfect body.The smiling faces.The intimate shots on the lounge chairs.Of Kendall gazing adoringly into Harry's face.

 

She slid off the edge of the bed and crumpled onto the floor.She felt like she'd been sucker punched. Her heart shredded into a million little pieces, and only an aching, gaping hole left where it should be. She couldn't handle it.But she needed to pull herself together and quickly.She had to. She was surprised Panda wasn't already in her room looking for her.And the stupid irony of all this hit her. She had turned Zayn down.Because of Harry.Because she knew that she wasn't over him, but also because she knew anything with Zayn, even a short fling, would bother Harry more than if it was with anyone else.But he went to Kendall.The girl who had tried to ruin them in Paris.The girl Harry knew she had the most issues with.And he had been caught.Out in the open, practically unclothed. He was never caught if he didn't want to be. She knew that. She put her head in her hands, and the tears poured out of her.She hated crying.She knew that; hell, everyone knew that.But she couldn't stop, her shoulders wracked with the intensity of her feelings.Her heart was never going to heal.She could still feel the ache, always present burning within her. Julie felt an arm slip around her shoulders.She hadn't even heard Panda come in.She buried her face in Panda's shoulder and sobbed her heart out.

 

"Hey, I know it hurts."Amanda said rubbing JJ's arm."I know.I'm here for you.You don't have to be ok."She had already called work, and two dayshift nurses had agreed to cover for them until they could get there.She would comfort JJ for as long as she needed.Amanda had planned to tell JJ just to stay home, but she figured it'd be best if she were able to keep an eye on JJ.And if JJ had something to distract her.They were always so busy, that maybe JJ could get through the night a bit easier.

 

"It shouldn't hurt.We aren't together.We didn't end well.We aren't friends.He can do what he wants.Who he wants. Even if it is her."Julie ground out through her tears."Why can't I just forget him?!Why can't it just stop hurting?!Why does it have to bother me so much?!"

 

Amanda knew why.But it wasn't the right time to tell JJ that she was still too deeply in love with Harry."It takes time.JJ, love doesn't just go away."

 

"Apparently it does if you're Harry Styles.Either that or he just never loved me in the first place."She wriggled out from Amanda's arm and hoisted herself up off the floor.She couldn't just sit there and cry.She had a job to go to.She had to push this aching pain aside.

 

Amanda sighed when JJ got up."Please, don't stuff it down inside of you like this."She pushed herself off the floor and walked out to the kitchen with JJ."JJ, you need to feel.You went through so much to realize that.Don't push it aside again."

 

"Why?Why feel?I was right the first time.It's better not to feel anything.For anyone.I should have never turned Zayn down.And twice."Julie said her movements jerky as she fixed her coffee and grabbed the travel container.

 

"What?"Amanda queried."You did what?And twice? JJ!"

 

"Yes, I turned him down.Twice.I've seen him twice since my run in with him at the hotel.He tried to kiss me.Both times.And the furthest I let him get was a quick kiss on the lips.And I turned him down.Because I wasn't ready, and because I didn't want to do it in case it was just trying to get back at Harry.I didn't want to cause Harry that much pain.Even if he already thought Zayn and I were together, which we weren't.I didn't want to think about actually doing it.But now, I wonder why I bothered to worry about anything when it comes to him.I thought he was different."She stopped."Can we go?Please?Can we just go to work?"She didn't want to do this.She didn't want to feel these feelings. She'd never felt so broken.She'd gone through hell in her life.She'd gotten through her past, and she'd come out on the other side.But this was worse.Her heart was shattered.She had let the wall around it down, and she'd handed it to Harry thinking he would hold it gently.And instead he'd carelessly dropped it.And he let it shatter. As if it, as if she, didn't matter. She shook her head.She blamed herself.She should have never let him have that kind of control.

 

Amanda sighed."Yeah, ok."She grabbed the keys.She knew she wouldn't get anywhere now.Amanda had let JJ ramble.But when she stopped abruptly, she knew JJ was turning her emotions off.And once she did that, there was no starting it up again.That wall.Built.It wouldn't be coming down again tonight.Fortunately, the hospital was busy from the moment they got there until the moment their shift was over.At least it kept JJ's mind from those dark places for now.

 

The next morning, Julie was getting ready to leave the hospital when she heard there was someone there that she wanted to see.Amanda had already left for home.Julie had agreed to stay around to help admissions out for a bit as someone was going to be late for her shift.After Julie had been relieved, she went up to the maternity ward and knocked on the door,peeking her head in."Hey, could I come in?"

 

Louis turned around and smiled at her."JJ, yes, please."He looked from her back to his baby boy."Come meet Freddie.The most beautiful baby in the world."

 

"Well, don't you look like a proud dad?"Julie hugged Louis.She was glad she'd caught them alone, and not with a lot of family members around. She had wondered what the atmosphere would be, but both Louis and Brianna looked happy and peaceful, both thrilled with the arrival of their son. She said hello to Brianna and spoke with her a few minutes to make sure that it was ok she was there and that it was ok to see Freddie.She didn't want to cause any problems anywhere; her own life felt problematic enough at the moment.When Brianna gave her the ok, Julie walked to the bassinet and looked in."He's gorgeous.Just like his Daddy."When Julie had discovered that Louis was becoming a father, she had been shocked to say the least.But it looked good on him.And Freddie was seriously gorgeous.

 

"It's amazing.It's the best thing I've ever been a part of."He stood next to JJ and pushed her shoulder with his."Who would have thought?"

 

"Eh, you're a great guy.We just don't tell everyone."Julie said pushing back into Louis' shoulder.When Freddie spit out his pacifier, she picked it up and pulled a new one out of the drawer and opened it up.She put the new pacifier in Freddie's mouth and then fixed his blanket, tucking him in more snugly. For the first time in twenty-four hours, she felt a sense of peace.

 

"Do you want to hold him?"Louis asked her.

 

"I shouldn't impose."Julie said.

 

"You're not."Louis urged her."Go ahead."

 

Julie looked back at Brianna, and when she smiled and nodded her head ok, Julie smiled back and went and washed her hands.She took off her long-sleeved scrub since she had been wearing it in the ER all day and gently picked Freddie up.She held him in her arms and couldn't help but smile down at him.She looked him over.Those tiny little hands, those tiny little ears, the cute little nose. Freddie opened his eyes and looked deep into hers for a moment. Julie could feel the ache in her heart ease just a little as if Freddie had applied a balm to the wound. She relaxed as she felt his little body relax into her arms. "He's perfect Lou."

 

Louis sat down on the arm of the chair that JJ had sat down in."He is right?How are you?"He said gently and watched JJ ignore his question."You know, don't you?About Harry's New Year's trip?"

 

Julie felt her muscles tense up again. "I don't want to talk about that Louis."She whispered looking over at Brianna who was resting.She played with the blanket wrapped tightly around Freddie."Especially now.Please."

 

"Come on, JJ.Don't push it away.He's just as confused as you are.He's an idiot.But he's not quite sure what to do."Louis responded quietly.

 

"I don't, Louis, please."Julie said looking up at him, her eyes glistening.

 

"Damn it."Louis said."I can see your pain, but I can also see the same look I saw that night in Vegas.The first time."

 

"Louis, seriously."Julie said looking back down at Freddie."Now's not the time."

 

"It will never be the time."Louis sighed."I don't believe for a second you were with Zayn.Do you know that?"He saw Julie clench her teeth."I don't.No matter if you were seen with him or not."

 

"Louis, please."Julie said standing up and cradling Freddie.She walked back over to Freddie's bassinet and looked at the chart."It's about time for him to be changed and fed.May I change him?"When she got the ok from both Louis and Brianna, she took her time and changed him slowly.She opened up the blanket and watched Freddie stretch his legs.She played with his little toes.There wasn't anything cuter than baby toes.She changed his diaper, looking over every part of his body.She put her hand up to his and watched as he tightly grasped her little finger. Again, he opened his eyes and looked at her as if he'd understood the entire conversation between his dad and Julie and thought she was being ridiculous in ignoring her feelings. She could tell Freddie was going to as obstinate and forthright as his father. She sighed and slowly wrapped him back up tightly in the blanket and picked him up.She loved the feel of him. She inhaled deeply that new baby smell and once again felt that balm being applied to her heart. Did all babies know how to do this? "Such a perfect little boy, aren't you?"She cooed and then froze when she heard someone clear their throat and then a voice ask if he could come in.The ache hitting her heart full force. She really didn't need this right now. She didn't want to face this. She cradled Freddie against her as if seeking protection from the onslaught of her emotions.

 

Harry had quietly stood in the doorway the whole time that Julie was changing the baby.She'd looked so comfortable doing it. .He watched her hands as she examined Freddie and the nuances in her expressions as she looked at him. He could understand the sweet smile that played on her lips, but didn't understand her look of ruefulness. He thought back to South Africa when he had been thinking about how she would make a great mother.He couldn't help but smile watching her.He couldn't believe that she was here.Well, he knew she worked at the hospital, but her shift should have been over long before he arrived.Harry hadn't expected her to still be here, or in Louis' room for that matter.He watched her body language when he spoke.She'd frozen and stiffened right up.She didn't want him here. That was apparent. He thought he'd better try to make the best of an awkward situation. "I came by to say congratulations.And I come bearing gifts."Harry said walking over to Brianna and putting the balloons and stuffed bear on the bed by her.He leaned down and kissed her cheek.He slowly walked over to Louis, avoiding Julie's space, and gave him a hug."Congratulations, mate."

 

"Thanks."Louis said."I appreciate it."

 

Julie walked over to Brianna and gently handed her Freddie."Thank you so much for sharing."She said quietly."I think it's time to go."She gently touched Freddie's little hat and fixed it on his head.For a moment, she'd had a bit of peace. "He's seriously precious.You're very lucky."She grabbed her scrub from the chair and her bag and turned to go.

 

"You don't have to leave."Louis said.He glanced from JJ to Harry."JJ.Stay.Really."

 

"No, really I can't. It was a long night, and I need to go home and get some sleep."She felt the exhaustion hit her suddenly, and the emotional onslaught as well.She was going to start crying right there in front of Harry if she didn't get out of the room fast.And she couldn't.Not with the man who had crushed her heart standing there.She hugged Louis."Amanda and Niall will most likely be by to see you soon.I'm glad you're going to be able to make it to their engagement party.I will see you in a few days."She congratulated Louis and Brianna again and began to leave.She put her hand on the door, took a deep breath, and before she walked out, she looked back into the room."Oh, and Harry, Amanda's waiting to hear if you're coming or not since you never sent back your RSVP.And make sure you let her know if you're bringing your girlfriend."She walked out.She was being bitchy with her last comment, and she just didn't even care.She needed to make it out of the hospital and home before she lost her mind.She tried to focus on anything but Harry on her way out of the hospital.

 

"Well, that was rude."Harry said running his hand through his hair.

 

"You're a fucking idiot."Louis said, not mincing his words at all.

 

"Well, that was rude, too."Harry said to him."Why don't you tell me what you really think?"

 

"I'm pretty sure I did.Do I need to say it again?You're a fucking idiot."Louis repeated."Do you need me to say it again?What were you thinking?"

 

"What do you mean?"Harry asked clueless.

 

"A yacht, with Kendall?It's bad enough you're lying to yourself and JJ about your feelings, but you had to go there?Do you remember the conversation we had after Paris?"Louis said."How you knew that Kendall would always be JJ's weakness?So, you just go and parade around with her? You're a right wanker, Harry."

 

"What does it matter?We aren't together.She's already moved on.And she picked Zayn.Don't you think that's just a tad bit worse than me and Kendall?"

 

"Honestly, you are a bigger idiot than a fucking idiot.She's not with Zayn, you moron.He's got a girlfriend.He has had for a while now.Since before Christmas.How do you not know this considering his girlfriend, Gigi, is one of Kendall's best friends?JJ saw the pictures. Everyone saw the pictures.There is no question what went down between the two of you on that yacht. They were quite revealing. But if you would open your eyes, you would realize the truth about JJ."

 

"What truth is that?"Harry said, shifting back and forth and feeling rather uncomfortable.Louis was starting to annoy him.

 

"Wow.I thought she was the stubborn one."Louis said shaking his head."You love her.And you've just pushed her further away than you ever have before.Because you can't fucking admit it.She loves you, but now she's never going to admit it.You have seriously pushed her away.And even if she did end up with Zayn, that's your own damn fault, too.Do you even remember why you broke up with her?"

 

"Yes."Harry said.But did he?Something about her not needing him.Some crap about her keeping things from him."She was keeping secrets.Like Zayn."

 

"I thought you were a lot smarter than that."Louis said.

 

"I saw them, Louis.She was with him, coming out of a hotel, getting into his car."Harry defended himself."Sorry but there's no denying that."But was Zayn seriously with Gigi?Had Zayn hurt Julie, too?If he had, Harry would hurt him.Wait?What?The confusion continued to mount. And the realization. He had hurt Julie more than anyone.Harry guessed he would need to hurt himself if he thought that way about Zayn hurting her.

 

"Your pride.Is going to keep you away from one of the best things that has ever happened to you.Do you want that?"Louis admonished."Think about it Harry.Smarten up before it's all too late."

 

Harry spent a little more time with Louis, Brianna, and Freddie.He was happy to see Louis excited about his new role as a dad.But he also couldn't get out of his mind what Louis had said to him.He'd called Harry a fucking idiot and a wanker to boot.Yeah, he had to admit he probably was both.He had thought the yacht trip with Kendall would be exactly what he needed.Something to distract him.To forget Julie and move on. He'd thought Julie had moved on with Zayn and that had made him pissed. He thought he could go have fun and forget about her.But it had seriously backfired.He'd woken up multiple times with dark hair in his face and almost said Julie's name.Then instead of being met with bright blue eyes, he was met with brown eyes from another girl.Luckily, he had caught himself each time.It'd been fun while it lasted, but he didn't want Kendall.He'd just wanted a distraction.A way to forget. His mum and Robin had seen it, and though they hadn't said anything to him, he'd known what they were thinking. Oh, they'd put on smiles and were extremely pleasant to everyone, but Harry could tell they were glad to be returning to damp, cold England when they left. And just before they'd boarded the plane, Anne had reached up and touched his face. And he'd known by her expression that he hadn't fooled them. Harry sighed and returned to the present. He said goodbye to Louis and Brianna and walked to his car.He needed to figure things out.And quickly.He couldn't keep living like this.Always trying to find a way to forget her.A way to clear his mind of her. Nothing worked.Maybe he needed another plan.Yeah, he would figure it out.And he had to do it before Niall and Amanda's engagement party.


	10. Chapter 10

The morning of Amanda and Niall's engagement party, Julie arrived at the banquet hall to oversee that everything was ready for the celebration.She had thrown herself into planning and organizing the party, which had allowed her to ignore the turmoil she constantly felt brewing inside her. Julie wanted to make this night as perfect as possible for Niall and Amanda. She loved them both so dearly, and their love for each other had been joyful to behold.Julie was grateful that the party was taking place at the hall and that it included catering.Preparing dinner for the four of them had been tough enough when Niall and Amanda had gotten engaged.That the arrangements also included cleanup was a major benefit in her book.She hated cleaning, and she didn't want to do any of it. She just wanted to enjoy the moment and then go home and fall into bed. However, she wanted to be here to oversee the set up this morning and attend to all the details.Julie had banned Niall and Amanda from coming this morning because she didn't think they should be working on a party that was supposed to be for them.She helped the staff move some of tables and then looked around.She shook her head ruefully.Who would have thought she would be doing this already?But Amanda and Niall seemed to know immediately that they were the ones for each other.That they belonged together.Julie was 25 now.She didn't even know how to comprehend what she wanted in her future.Amanda was 23, and Niall just 22, and they knew.How?Harry was going to turn 22 just after the party.Maybe they just weren't ready to know.Not everyone could have the same awareness like Amanda and Niall had.It was a lot to ponder, but she had to return her attention to getting this party ready. She took a drink of her coffee and spoke to a few workers.The staff was great and very accommodating.They did everything she asked well, with no complaints. A few heads suddenly swiveled toward the entrance, and Julie could feel herself tense up.

 

"Julie?"Harry said walking into the banquet hall. She could always feel his presence, an energy that reached out and touched her even if she wasn't looking at him.

 

Julie stopped and took a deep breath as she turned around."What are you doing here?"

 

"I came to see if I could help.Niall told me that you weren't allowing them to come until the party begins tonight."He replied standing a few feet in front of her.

 

"And you thought that you would be the best one to come help me?You've got to be kidding me."Julie shook her head and turned away."Can you just go?Please."Jesus Christ.He seriously had to come here?Right now?She was already resigned to the fact she would have to be here with him tonight, but she knew she'd be able to avoid him since there would be so many people attending the party.Now it was just her and some of the staff who worked at the hall. And she really did not have the emotional wherewithal to deal with his presence right now.

 

"Or you could just say thank you and accept my help."Harry responded. Her back was turned toward him, and he couldn't help but drink her in. He noticed the tense set of her shoulders and the stiffness of her spine. This was not going to be easy going, but he was determined to make her engage with him.

 

"Are you serious, right now?"She quickly turned back towards him."Harry, what the fuck do you want?There is no reason for you to be here.I didn't ask anyone for any help."

 

"Of course, you didn't.That's just you right?Never needing anyone for anything."He said to her his frustration coming out, running his fingers through his hair.He hadn't come here to fight with her, but still she came at him right away.

 

"This is not a conversation that I need to be having today."She seethed turning abruptly to look at some napkin colors for the tables.One of the staff had similar colors in his hand.She picked one she wanted and then thanked him as he quickly walked away, casting curious eyes in their direction.

 

"Of course, it isn't.Right back to pushing everyone away. Even Niall and Amanda."He shot back at her.

 

"What the fuck do you care?Seriously?I tried the whole feelings thing.I tried letting someone in.Then he just turned around and fucked me over too.So, what's the point?It's none of your concern.So, do what you do best and just walk the fuck away."Her tone was quiet, but there was a lot of anger behind it.

 

Harry threw his hands up in the air.Did she really believe what she was saying? "You've got to be fucking kidding me now.I'm pretty sure that was your thing."

 

"Yeah, it used to be.And I really wish I would have kept to it."She said walking away. She could feel the tears beginning to build. God no, not now."Maybe I should start again now."

 

"Damn it, Julie!"He grabbed her elbow before she could get far. Damn, she could be so frustrating. "I came to help you.You shouldn't have to do this on your own."

 

She pulled her elbow away angrily."Maybe not, but I want to.And I sure the hell don't want you to help me.Why would you think this is a good idea?Why can't you just go away?"

 

Harry took a deep breath and tried to calm himself down. "Look, I'd just like to help you.I'm sorry.I get you moved on, but I just wanted to help you do this for Amanda and Niall."He was lying.He'd come to see her.He didn't know what he had expected.But she had definitely reverted back to living behind her wall.

 

"I've moved on?!Seriously?!" How stupid could this man be? How could he not get it? She thought incredulously. She looked around realizing her voice had risen and saw curious eyes looking in their direction."God damn it, Harry."She grabbed his arm and led him outside to the balcony slamming the doors behind them."You THINK I've moved on.You always THINK you know everything.But it's YOU that moved on.You left me, remember, not the other way around.And everyone knows who you've moved on with.But you still can't just leave me alone?"

 

"You did move on.I saw those pictures.I knew you two had a thing even before we broke up.You've always hidden it.So, what if I was with Kendall? There's no difference than you being with Zayn." Harry knew what he'd seen. He knew. Why was she so set on denying it?

 

Julie took a deep breath and tried to steady her emotions."You want to know the BIGGEST difference between me and Zayn and you and Kendall?It's that I never FUCKED Zayn."She looked at his face. He seemed shocked, crestfallen."Yeah, that's right Harry.You assumed you knew.Just like you assumed you knew what you were talking about when we broke up.I never fucked Zayn.And do you want to know why?Because of YOU.That's why.I didn't want to hurt you like that.Even after you crushed me, I still didn't want to do something that I knew would hurt you.But you didn't give a shit, did you?So, shouldn't it be me who's wondering if you were hiding her from me?Sure didn't take you long to jump her.You just can't quit her, can you?"

 

Harry stared at her.Just stared.He'd fucked up.Royally. Again."You said you would never stop hating me."He looked down at her and took a step forward."You never denied being with Zayn." He was beginning to realize that maybe he didn't know the whole of it, hadn't stopped to listen when she would have clarified the situation. He had just wanted to blame her. To see what he wanted to see. The guilt wasn't so bad that way.

 

"I shouldn't have to tell you ANYTHING.You gave up that right.I could have been with him.That's true. But not until months after YOU broke up with me. And I choose not to.You didn't make that choice, did you?You went right for the low blow.Wasn't bad enough you got me to let you into places I have NEVER let anyone else.Inside my heart, inside my soul. You just had to shatter me every way you could.And then run right to her."She choked back her tears that were coming hard and fast."And the only thing I hate is the fact that I can't fucking hate you.I want to hate you.I want to hate you more than anything, because then this would be easy.But I can't!!I can't hate you because I still fucking love you, and that's the worst.Loving someone who leaves you for reasons they've made up in their head.I should hate you.I want to hate you.But mostly, I just want to stop loving you!!But you don't make it easy because you keep showing up!" She couldn't believe she was saying this to him. She felt so drained, but it was almost a relief to get it out there.

 

"Julie."Harry stood there staring at her stunned. He stepped towards her again and reached for her cheek.He dropped his hand when she jerked away."Let's talk, please. We need to talk."

 

"Let's talk?Now?"She angrily wiped the tears from her cheek."Why would I want to talk to you?" She took a deep inhale and tried to steady herself. Really? He wanted to talk now?

 

"I made a mistake.I've made a lot of mistakes. Some very big ones. Please, let's just talk before tonight."He tried to touch her shoulder. The impact of what she had just told him beginning to hit him. How could he have been so stupid?

 

"Stop!"She said as she stepped away from him."You walked away before, when I was begging you to stay.Why can't you just walk away now, when I'm begging you to go?"She was upset with herself for crying and for letting him see how much he could still affect her."I'm trying, extremely hard, to move on.I can't do that if you don't stop coming around."

 

"Why didn't you tell me that you still loved me?"He asked her.He stood in front of the doors so she couldn't escape.He was floored and trying to grapple with everything she had just told him. He'd never expected to come here today and have her tell him that she still loved him, about how he had completely misread the entire situation.

 

"Why would I tell you that I love you?I told you that before, and it didn't matter.When you were crushing my heart. When I walked out of the hotel room that day that you decided you couldn't handle me trying to figure out my life for myself."She looked him in the eyes for the first time, and Harry saw a determined spirit in them he'd never seen before."Harry, I just want a chance to move on without you showing up right when I think I'm going to be able to."

 

"I can't stay away."He admitted.He admitted it to her, but he was also finally admitting it to himself.He couldn't stay away.He wanted her.He loved her.He had really thought he'd known what he was doing when he'd told her they needed a break.He thought he'd known what he was saying when he'd accused her of being with Zayn.Obviously, he hadn't, and he'd totally fucked up.He was still trying to grasp all that she had been telling him. And he was making some realizations of his own. His insecurities had made him react instead of working through them.Instead of talking to her and really listening to what she was willing to share with him. "Julie, I don't want to stay away.I still love you."

 

Julie sucked her breath in and shook her head slowly as his words hit her.She started to shake."No, you can't do this.I won't sit here and listen to this.You should have thought about that back in that hotel room on the east coast, four very long months ago.Things haven't changed.You could have been patient just a little longer while I worked through the best way to deal with my new-found freedom from my past.But you couldn't.You didn't trust me.You never trusted me."

 

"That's not true."He said.

 

"But it is.You questioned me on everything, Harry.All the time.Especially with Zayn.You never trusted my feelings for you."She said.She had realized that fact after he broke up with her.Harry had questioned her a lot.

 

Well, she'd been very honest with him. He knew he had to do the same with her. "It has always been about my insecurity.From that night in the banquet room when you were talking to him about his art."Harry admitted to her.He'd never revealed that to anyone.But it was the truth.He had thought about that night often and how she had this connection with Zayn that she would never have with him, and he had let it get the best of him.The whole situation had been made worse, because he honestly believed Zayn and Julie's connection was stronger than the one he had with her from the very beginning. No matter how much Julie had said she loved him, or showed him, he had still questioned it.Why?What did that say about him? When he had helped her through all of her issues, he was able to push those dark thoughts and feelings aside.When she needed him and leaned on him, he didn't question as much.But when she started off on her own, started wanting to do things on for herself, he began to feel insecure again. The morose thoughts occupying his mind more often than not.

 

"Why?Why would you EVER think that?What did I do that made you distrust me so much?And if you didn't trust me, why did you push for me to be with you?"She tried to stop the flow of her tears.She just couldn't.She had been avoiding any discussion with him since he'd come back to LA.And this was so not the day for this to happen.But what choice did she have with him standing here? And maybe it was best to get it out in the open. Maybe she needed to do this so she could move on.

 

"It's not that I didn't trust you.I just, I don't know. I...I just couldn't believe."How could he explain he didn't believe she could have feelings for him like that? That the beautiful, incandescent love in her eyes could really be for him. And he was beginning to realize it was himself he didn't trust."Everything was so confusing at first.I'd never been hit with feelings like that so quickly.I thought it was crazy.I guess having to fight you to have feelings affected me more than I thought.Yet I had a goal.I wanted you to see what we could be.But I fought so hard that I guess when I didn't have to fight any more, I questioned myself.And all my insecurities came back."

 

Julie stared at him. How could they have both been at such cross purposes? "You fought me to have feelings period. It never had anything to do with having feelings for you. Those were always there.We all know how fucked up I was.How my past dictated EVERYTHING I did.I shared all that with you.You asked me to.You said that's what you wanted.You swore you wanted to help me get through it so I could be me.But you just enjoyed me needing you.And when I didn't need you the way I used to, you shut me out.Just like that." Julie snapped her fingers. " You didn't listen to ANYTHING that I said.You just thought you knew."She was starting to hurt again."You thought you had it all figured out when you couldn't possibly have figured anything out.Because I hadn't figured anything out.I was working on it.I was working on figuring me out.Who I was now that I wasn't controlled by my one fear."

 

"I made a mistake."He looked down at the ground.He didn't realize how much of one.He didn't want to admit how much of a big mistake he'd made. The repercussions of his thoughtless actions were hitting him hard."I was scared."

 

"Scared of what?What could I have possibly done by figuring out me that would have hurt you?"She asked.

 

He slowly lifted his eyes to hers.Her beautiful, blue, confused eyes.He could see her confusion."Of you, leaving me."He said simply.

 

"Why would I have left you?!"She exclaimed throwing her hands in the air."I did NOTHING but tell you how much you helped me through EVERY fucked up thing in my head.I did NOTHING but tell you that I would have still been some scared little girl running from her past if YOU wouldn't have fought against my instincts.I was grateful for everything you did.Why would you even think differently?"

 

"Because you realized how strong you really were.How great you were.How you could do anything you put your mind to.You were pulling away from me, and I thought you were realizing you could move on."He said.He realized his thoughts didn't sound so great when he said it out loud. Damn, his insecurities.

 

"You're the only one who thought I was pulling away.I was just trying to figure out how to live without being scared.All of a sudden, I had so much more time to think about other things since I wasn't having to look over my shoulder and wonder what was coming next.If he would find me.I didn't just go from being scared every second to knowing how to be.I just wanted to figure out how much I could actually do for myself.But you didn't want that.I told you I was doing something that I just wanted to take care of on my own, and somehow that turned into me wanting to break up with you?"She shook her head.

 

"Yes, because I have insecurities, too.You changed so much.So fast."He said.

 

"That was the fucking point?Wasn't it?"She went to step around him."I can't do this.Not today.I have way too much shit to do for this party.I can't ruin Amanda and Niall's evening for a conversation we should've already had.One I tried to have, but you wouldn't listen you were so convinced you were right.Why have it now?"

 

He grabbed her arm and looked down at her when she was close to him."We should have had it right away.I shouldn't have done what I did.And I shouldn't have let you walk out that door."

 

"But you did.And you didn't come after me." Her voice caught in her throat"And it's been over for four months.Four very long months. And, you obviously can't quit Kendall."She pulled her arm away again."You don't even know what you want.I'm starting to wonder if you ever did."

 

"I did.I do.I was just too stupid to realize it when I had it."He said."Just talk to me.Please."

 

"Four months ago, I waited for you to come after me.To tell me you still loved me.Four months ago, I would have jumped right back into your arms.But now, I can't."She said to him quietly, looking up into his eyes.Tears falling gently down her cheeks.

 

"You can't, or you won't?"He asked woefully wiping a tear from her cheek.

 

"It doesn't matter which."She turned her face away from his hand. God, she so wanted to feel that hand against her face, but she couldn't give in. It would just hurt too much later. "I'm not someone you can just come back to when you feel like it.I'm not Kendall."She opened the door to the hall.

 

"Can we talk again?Please?After all of this is over?"He asked her, and he realized he really needed to come clean about that time with Kendall, how he had fucked up, how he'd realized she was just a distraction.

 

She froze each hand holding a handle of the doors she was opening."I don't think so.Nothing's changed.I'm still trying to figure myself out.And you can't handle that.I thought you were the one that would understand.But you didn't.And just because I love you, and probably always will, doesn't mean we should be together."

 

"Love is a hell of a good start."He said.

 

"Love got us nowhere. You say you trusted me, but it certainly didn't feel that way.I don't trust you.You didn't respect me, and, right now, I can't say that I respect you."She took a step into the room."Love doesn't fix that.Sometimes, you just have to let go."

 

"And sometimes you have to learn when to fight."He murmured watching her walk back into the room. But she heard him.

 

"You should have thought about that four months ago."She shut the doors behind her.She was still shaking. She bent over and put her hands on her knees.She couldn't do this today.She had too much to do.Why?Why did he have to come here today?Why did he have to all of a sudden change his mind?Why would he even think that after Kendall she would even consider talking to him again?She pushed herself off her knees and stood up.She didn't have time to deal with this right now.She wiped her eyes and blinked them a few times to clear them.She took a deep breath and went back to work.She needed to do this for Niall and Amanda.They were the only ones who had always stood by her.No matter what.Those two mattered more than her own feelings.She would make this night memorable for them.No matter what it took. But she knew the conversation would play over and over again in her mind. There were things he'd said, things she should have seen. Had she been so caught up in her own healing process, of finding her way, that she hadn't seen how insecure and vulnerable he was?

 

Harry leaned his hands on the railing of the balcony.He hadn't known how this was going to go when he'd come here this morning.He just knew he'd wanted to be here. With her. He wanted to help, or see her, or both.When Niall had said she had come to the hall to get things set up and wouldn't let him and Amanda come, Harry had known that he would have a chance to talk to her.Feel out how she was doing, what she was thinking and feeling.He knew he wanted her back.He'd probably known the moment she had left his hotel room back in September.Two days before her birthday.He pulled out the small box he had in his pocket.It was her birthday present.He opened the box to look at the anchor necklace laying in it.It matched his tattoo.He had gotten it for her to symbolize her being his anchor.Holding him in place while the world went crazy around him.But he'd never given it to her.Instead he had pushed her away.He'd let his questions and his insecurities and his fears get the best of him.His fear of needing someone so bad.The fear of settling down.Everything was changing at that time.Including her.And instead of embracing it and seeing where it would take them, he had run from it.Far and fast.It would be hard to win her heart back, but he had to try.She would fight him with everything she had, but he could do it.He'd done it once before.He could do it again.He closed the box and put it back in his pocket.He wasn't going to fight what he wanted anymore, even if it did scare him.He wanted to give in to his thoughts of having her back in his arms.And this time, he wouldn't let her go.Oh, did he have his work cut out for him.But he was the one who had made a mess of this. The whole break up and Julie's pain and anger were all his fault, at least that's what he thought.So, he would do it, even if he had to take it slow.He could start tonight.

 

Thank you all so much for reading! It means so much to me!Please feel free to leave any feedback! It really means a lot!


	11. Chapter 11

Julie walked back into the banquet hall that night.She was happy with the choice of the Le Foyer Ballroom in North Hollywood.Besides the wonderful and conscientious staff, the grandiose ballroom was beautiful and perfect. She made sure to arrive before the rest of the guests.The place looked absolutely amazing.The flower arrangements from My Fair Lady's Flowers were perfect, and Jennifer Bennett had accommodated every request.The managers of Le Foyer had actually been fun to work with, not snobbish like Julie had feared they might be.They had worked with the caterers that she chose and made it all pretty simple.Chef Gregorio Stephenson from Nobu was also very open to a wide variety of foods for the occasion.Not only did he make a variety of sushi dishes that he was famous for in the Malibu restaurant, but he had also made some more all-guest friendly food.Julie wasn't a fan of sushi, so she appreciated his diverse menu more than anything.If there were any other parties that needed to be done, she would recommend this place, because it wouldn't be her.Her party planning days were over.At least for a while. 

 

Niall had suggested she hire a party planner to help her with all the details, but she had declined.She wanted to make sure that it was as personal for Amanda as she could make it.She knew Amanda would appreciate it no matter what; however, it wasn't personal enough for Julie if she didn't do it herself.Maybe it hadn't been such a great idea to not accept any help, but it had all come together, and the venue looked phenomenal.She walked around and thanked everyone she came in contact with.This was going to be an amazing night for Niall and Amanda.She made her way over to the stage that was set up for music.Couldn't have a party for a member of One Direction and not have good music.Maybe she would have them play some One Direction music, she mused.That would be fun.She had told Amanda and Niall to arrive later so that they could make an entrance with everyone already there.She was nervous about her surprise for them.If there was one good thing about her encounter with Harry earlier this morning, it was that she had something other than her surprise to think about for most of the day.But now that it was getting closer to the time, she was nervous again.Maybe it wasn't the time.Oh hell, it was never the time.Not in her mind.

 

"JJ?"Liam greeted her as he walked into the hall, arms outstretched to her."This place looks spectacular."

 

"Hey, Liam."Julie said smiling and returned his hug.She hadn't seen him since, well, since before she and Harry had broken up.She closed her eyes when he hugged her tightly.He always had such a calming presence about him.He was probably the one she'd interacted with the least.But she always loved being around him."How are you?It's been so long."She stepped back and couldn't help but return his smile.He had such a beautiful, happy smile.

 

"Good, things are good.I'm happy.Been spending a lot of time with the family and catching up with friends. Weird being off doing whatever I want.But it's good."He said hugging her again."How are you?"

 

"A bit crazy."She said to him and laughed."Things have been complicated and very busy to say the least.I'm not surprised you're one of the first ones here.Would you like something to drink?"She gestured towards the bar and walked with him.

 

"Yeah, let's get you one too.You seem a little on edge.I could tell by the hug."He replied.He ordered her a glass of wine and him a vodka tonic."Still the white wine, right?" He glanced at her and winked

 

She nodded."Yes, thank you."She looked around the room as more people started to show up.

 

"You did an amazing job.I will say it again."Liam said.He put his arm around her shoulders."You should be proud.You're a great friend to manage a whole party on your own."

 

"I could never repay Niall or Panda for what they've done for me.They've done so much.Especially the past half a year.I would do anything to make things great for them.No matter what it is."She said shrugging her shoulders.

 

"Well, I know they think you're pretty amazing.Maybe you could start to realize that.Continue moving forward, JJ.Don't move back."He smiled at her, squeezed her shoulder, and then walked away to talk to some other guests he knew.

 

Julie just shook her head.She couldn't help but smile though.Liam was such a great guy.The party was in full swing when Amanda and Niall walked in the door.Harry had shown up just before they had.At least she hadn't had the pleasure of interacting with him yet.She planned to avoid it for as long as she could.But as soon as he walked in she felt his eyes on her.She could feel the energy in the room start to shift.She knew he had searched her out to know where she was.But she was keen to avoid being around him. She was not ready for another confrontation like earlier today.She let Amanda and Niall welcome as many people as they could before they came towards her, which took a while considering the guest list.She had never thought she'd be mingling with A list musicians, actors, and even the odd golf pro.When they finally made it to where she was, Julie hugged them both."I hope you like it."She said gesturing to the room.

 

"Like it?It couldn't be more perfect."Amanda said hugging her tightly again."It's amazing.It's more than I could have asked for."She gazed around the room.Gold and white balloons and floral decorations adorned the room.The tables had white table clothes with the gold accents in the napkins and center pieces.Everything was simple but beautiful.It was what she would have expected out of JJ.But there were also details she could tell JJ had chosen and set up because the party was for her.JJ knew her well.The center pieces were bigger than JJ would have picked out.The flowers around the hall were more than JJ would have done herself.Amanda saw herself in the decorations also.

 

"Thank you.I hoped it would fit.You know my taste and yours, sort of opposite."Julie shrugged her shoulders and laughed."But I think it turned out well."She smiled at them both and then shooed them on."Go, enjoy yourselves.The finger foods and desserts should be coming out soon.It was a good idea to have the party later, so that a full dinner didn't have to be served.But wait til you see all the food.It's almost going to be like a full course meal."

 

"You always know how to make me happy."Niall said smiling and stepping up to her.He hugged her tightly and kissed her cheek."Thank you for, once again, working so hard for us."

 

"You know I'd do anything you guys asked.Stop acting surprised."She smiled at them both.She felt eyes on her again and looked up.Harry was standing across the room, but she could feel his gaze.She shook her head when he raised his glass at her.

 

"What was that?"Amanda asked."What's going on?"

 

"Nothing."Julie said.The look Amanda gave her made her laugh."Your faces always make me laugh.Nothing that has to be talked about right now."She turned Amanda and Niall around and pushed them into the crowd."Mingle, talk, thank everyone for coming."She waved her hands at them. "Go, be good hostesses."

 

Louis arrived next, looking tired but happy, and after speaking to Niall and Amanda for a few minutes, he looked for Julie.She always did an amazing, fantastic job when it came to planning events and parties.He was impressed.He grabbed a Scotch and soda and then located her in the corner talking to some servers.When she was finished, he walked up beside her."So, this is lovely, love.How did you ever find the time?"He asked kissing her cheek.

 

"I'm not sure.Just knew I needed to get it done.Plus, it kept me busy.And lord knows, I need busy.Not exactly sure what I'm going to do now that it's over."She smiled ruefully and hugged him."How are things going?"

 

"Great!Freddie's doing well.Things are going smoothly.I know it's only been a few days, but I couldn't be happier."Louis said smiling at her.

 

"I'm glad.Maybe I can come see him again sometime soon.I better go check on the food.I will talk to you later, ok?"Julie said squeezing his arm.

 

"Yeah, of course."Louis said kissing her cheek again.He knew she was avoiding getting into a deep conversation with him, and he would let her for now.She had done such a wonderful job setting up the party for Niall and Amanda.He didn't want to put any added pressure on her.

 

For the next couple of hours, the party seemed to go smoothly.And quickly.Julie stayed busy talking to guests and making sure that everything was the way it was supposed to be.It gave her something to concentrate on.And she constantly made sure she knew where Harry was.She didn't want to be surprised by an encounter.She was trying her damndest to avoid him and anything about their situation.She knew she had a lot to ponder before she made any decisions as far as even talking to him again.The moment had arrived for her surprise, and she was beginning to get really nervous.Her panic started setting in.She wished that she could cancel the whole thing.But she knew she couldn't.There were too many people involved to just call it off.But she could try, she thought and then gave herself a mental thump.Best to just get it over with.She took a deep breath and went back behind the curtains on the stage.A DJ had been playing all night, but there was also going to be some live music.Julie shook her head.She couldn't believe she had the connections to do something like this for Amanda and Niall.

 

She stepped from behind the curtain and took the microphone from the stand.Gazing over the crowd made her extremely nervous.Attention and public speaking were not her thing.And this was in front of so many eyes.And so many celebrity eyes.People she had never met before and even tonight had just said a brief hello to.She found a couple of coworkers and concentrated on them.A few nurses and a couple of doctors.She waved to the new young doctor, Daniel, who had just moved from back east.  He didn't know many people in LA, and he worked overnights with Julie a lot when Amanda was gone, but he'd agreed to come tonight.When Amanda came back from Ireland, they became friendly also.He was a great guy.Amanda was convinced he had a thing for Julie, but Julie always told Amanda she was nuts.He was cute though, broad shoulders, athletic build, liquid brown eyes.She chuckled at herself and put the microphone to her lips.

 

"Excuse me."She said quietly.She then had to say it again, with a bit more volume."First, I'd like to thank you all for coming.We couldn't have asked for a better turn out.But then again, I'm not surprised.Amanda and Niall are the best two people you could know individually.But put them together and who could resist?"She smiled over at Amanda and Niall, while the guests clapped."They are amazing people in every aspect.They are humble and kind, compassionate and caring.They will give the shirts off their back to anyone who needs them.Trust me.I know all of this first hand.If it wasn't for them, I wouldn't be the person I am now."She picked up her glass of champagne and raised it in the air."So, if we could please raise our glasses in a toast to Niall and Amanda's engagement.You are one of the best, no, you are the very best couple I have ever had the pleasure of knowing.Thank you for including me in your journey.May every day be happier than the last."She smiled and took a drink of her champagne as the crowd cheered in agreement."Now, we have a special guest.She's an up and coming musician here in LA.Please welcome, JoJo Johnson, here to sing a song from her soon to be released album."She smiled and put the microphone on the stand.She turned and hugged JoJo as she walked on stage.

 

"Hi everyone!I'm honored to be here to celebrate Niall and Amanda's engagement.So, this song I'm performing was chosen specifically for the happy couple on this festive occasion, but what isn't known, is that it's also going to be the first single off the album.It's going to be released at midnight."JoJo said looking back at JJ.She smiled and then nodded to the band to start the music."It's called, I Turn To You.And the lyrics are very specific for Niall and Amanda, and maybe to a few more people also." She finished with a wink.  A screen had been set up on the stage, and the lyrics appeared along with some photos of Niall and Amanda.

 

When I'm lost, in the rain

In your eyes I know I'll find the light to light my way

When I'm scared, losing ground

When my world is going crazy

You can turn it all around, yes

And when I'm down you're there, pushing me to the top

You're always there giving me all you've got

 

Chorus

 

For a shield, from the storm

For a friend, for a love to keep me safe and warm

I turn to you

For the strength to be strong

For the will to carry on

For everything you do

For everything that's true

I turn to you

 

When I lose the will to win

I just reach for you and I can reach the stars again

I can do, anything

Cuz your love is so amazing

Cuz your love inspires me

And when I need a friend

You're always on my side

Giving me faith to get me through the night

 

Repeat Chorus

 

Oh yeah, oh oh

For the arms to be my shelter through all the rain

For truth that will never change

For someone to lean on

For a heart I can rely on for anything

For the one who I can run to

I turn to you

 

Repeat Chorus

 

"That song was written by someone, who I believe, will be a hot new song writer in demand soon.We've also recorded a few more of her songs.Her lyrics are incredibly real, honest, and powerful."JoJo said after she finished the song."And she didn't know we were going to do this, but they gave us some liner notes and thank you's in case this happened one day.And we wanted to show them tonight."She turned around to the screen as they popped up behind her.They read:

 

To my Happy And Necessary. 

Without you, none of this would have happened.

Thank you for always letting me turn to you.

Lots of Love AlwayZ.

 

"So, to whomever are her happy and necessary.I thank you, because I got some great songs."JoJo said."We wanted to say Congratulations once again to Niall and Amanda.Hope your life together is always happy and healthy.Maybe later on we can come sing a few more songs if it's ok with them."She put the microphone on the stand and walked back behind the stage as the DJ started to play some music again.

 

"Well I'll be damned."Louis said.He was standing with Liam, Harry, Niall and Amanda.

 

"You'll be damned what?"Niall asked.

 

"Seriously?You guys can't be that daft."Louis said."You know who wrote that song."

 

"We do?"Liam asked looking at Louis confused.

 

"Oh, for fuck's sake.Look at those liner notes."He said gesturing towards the screen where they had been left up.When none of them seemed to get it, he shook his head."Look at the capitalized and underlined letters."When everyone just kind of looked at each other, Louis sighed.He went and got a napkin and grabbed a pen."Morons, all of you."He wrote down all the underlined letters in order."H, A, N, L, L, Z.You don't see what that equals?Harry, Amanda, Niall, Louis, Liam, and Zayn.Now, who do you know who writes that would specifically put those initials down?"

 

Harry stood and stared at his drink.No way that Louis could be right.He shook his head to break through his thoughts, and he looked around for Julie.When he saw her standing and talking with JoJo, he knew Louis was right.Holy fuck.When did she do that?That song had been amazing.How had she gotten the song out there? It wasn't an easy thing to break into this business. Wait.JoJo said songs.How many?He needed to hear that song again.He needed to hear her lyrics.And what about the other songs?He stood there dumbfounded.Completely caught off guard.He looked at Niall and Amanda.They looked equally just as confused.They lived with Julie.How could they not know?"You guys had no idea?"

 

"None."Amanda said."Not even a clue."She looked for JJ and found her still talking to JoJo."I need to go talk to her, but I can't decide if I'm happy or mad."

 

"You're proud."Niall said, kissing Amanda."I guess we now know what she wanted to try to do for herself."He took Amanda's hands and looked her in the eyes."Just because she didn't tell you as she was doing it.Doesn't mean anything."

 

Amanda smiled."Yeah, you're right.And she wrote the song for us.For all of us."She said looking around at Harry, Louis, and Liam.And pointedly at Harry.  "The lyrics were great." She kissed Niall again."I will be right back."She squeezed Niall's hand and glanced again at Harry who looked like he was putting somethings together in his mind also.She made her way over to where JJ was talking to JoJo.

 

"JJ?"Amanda said.

 

Julie took a deep breath and turned towards Amanda."Hi.I hope you liked your surprise.The live performance and all."

 

"The live performance?Really?I know you wrote that song."Amanda said taking JJ's hands."Don't hide it.You should be proud of it."

 

"I am."Julie said embarrassed."JoJo wasn't supposed to show the liner."Giving JoJo a look."She was just supposed to say it was for you guys.The sentiment.The lyrics.What it meant.I was going to tell you later.After the party.So that it didn't take away from your night."

 

"Stop.Knowing you wrote that.For me, for us, at least partly.Is more than I could ever ask for.JJ, it's a dream.You're my best friend.This is exciting.And you have more?"She looked from JJ to JoJo who nodded."JoJo, that was beautiful.Thank you for making this night even more special.I can't wait to hear the rest of the songs."Amanda gave Julie a pointed glance.JoJo thanked Amanda and then excused herself to catch up with her band."Why didn't you tell me?"

 

Julie took a deep breath.She wanted to have this conversation at another time."Panda, can we talk about this later?Tomorrow?I didn't want to do this tonight.Now I feel selfish."

 

Amanda sighed."You're not selfish.You wrote the song for us.You hate attention, and you had it performed here.I know they caught you off guard.When did you do this?"

 

"Panda.I will answer all your questions.I promise.But not tonight.Please.I worked my ass off for you to have this party."Julie fobbed her off.She needed time.She wasn't prepared to have everyone know it was her tonight.Those liner notes were just something she had done as a whim when management had asked for some.She'd never thought they would be shown and on a large screen. And someone figured it out right away.She was hoping after they were shown, it would take a while before they figured it out.

 

Niall couldn't wait any longer.He bounced over and grabbed JJ and hugged her."Um, amazing.Why didn't you say anything?"

 

"It wasn't the time."Julie murmured, but she hugged Niall back."It's just something I was working on."She stepped back."Go, enjoy, talk to everyone.Celebrate your love.I will be here around tomorrow, or the next day, or the next."

 

"You will talk to me tomorrow."Amanda said, hugging JJ again."You will not wait anymore."

 

"Yes, fine.Just go, please.Go enjoy my hard work."Julie said.She walked over to the bar and got a drink.She wasn't going to drink tonight, but she needed one. It was too bad wine didn't come in doubles.Louis came up and stood next to her pushing his shoulder into hers.

 

"When, JJ?When did you do this?"He asked.

 

"It doesn't matter.Why does it matter?"She sighed.

 

"Was this what you were doing when you weren't telling Harry what was going on?"He asked.

 

Julie glanced at him.So Harry had shared that, had he?"Yes, Louis.I was talking and having meetings with some people about it.I wanted to do it on my own." 

 

"You could have told us."He advised her.

 

"No, because I wanted to do it myself.I wanted to figure it out for myself.I wanted to see if it could happen, and then surprise everyone.It was something I needed to do, without anyone interfering.Or trying to offer help.You or Niall or Harry, or anyone."She looked at him."I didn't want to do this tonight."

 

"Well, I have one more question.Zayn.How was he involved?"He asked setting his glass on the bar.

 

She took a deep breath.She knew all the boys had problems with Zayn and the way he had left the band.She hoped Louis would understand.Julie wasn't sure Harry would."I was at a meeting in the restaurant at the Beverly Hills Hotel.When it was over, I ran into Zayn in the lobby.He asked why I was there, and I told him.They said they wouldn't be able to help with my lyrics because they needed music with them.They didn't want to take a chance.I told him I had no idea how to do it, and he offered to contact a few people for me.A couple of producers agreed, and we went to the studio and recorded demos."She finished her wine and set her glass on the bar next to Louis'.

 

"So, you let him help."He said."You could have asked one of us.I would have helped, or Liam, or Niall.Harry would have helped if you let him instead of hiding it."

 

"I started the meetings before Harry and I broke up. I stopped them after because I couldn't concentrate on anything.Then, I go to a meeting, and the first thing they tell me is I need music which I didn't know how to do. Zayn offered to give me a few contacts, and all I did was accept a few names.But yes, he helped."She ordered another drink."If you'll excuse me, I'm going to speak to some guests."She knew that this conversation wasn't over.Louis wouldn't be the only one who would question her.But she wanted it to be over for tonight.She took her drink and went back into the crowd.She walked over to her friends from the hospital.

 

Harry watched Julie talking to Louis and then go over to her hospital friends.He saw her smile and laugh for the first time since before they broke up.He liked it.But he didn't like it at the same time.There was definitely some flirting going on with one of the men in the group.Harry guessed he was a doctor; he had that look about him.The guy was gently touching her arm, leaning in closely to speak in her ear.Harry could see the guy's eyes wandering over Julie's body.His hand squeezed the glass in his hand tightly.

 

"Hey, watch out or that glass is going to break."Louis said as he strolled up next to Harry.

 

Harry loosened his grip and put the glass on the table."Yeah, sorry, guess so."He looked at Julie for a little longer and then turned to Louis.

 

"Something bothering you?"Louis asked Harry with a bit of humor in his voice.When Harry glared at him, he started laughing."She can talk to others Harry.Even if you were still together."

 

"Yeah, but look at the way he's flirting with her."He said through gritted teeth.

 

"She's a good-looking woman, Harry, who's single.That's your fault.So, if she's being flirted with, and you don't like it, then maybe you should do something about it."Louis suggested.

 

"Not that I need to tell you, but I've already decided I need to talk to her. Problem is getting her to agree."Harry said."I'm sure you're well aware how stubborn she is."

 

"Yes, I am.And from what I remember, you enjoyed that about her at one time.You enjoyed her strength, her independence, her sassiness.Maybe you should remember that."Louis responded clapping him on the back and walking away.

 

Harry shook his head at Louis.What did Louis know anyway?He turned back to see fucking dickhead doctor standing with his arm around Julie's waist.He was making it obvious what he was trying for.And she didn't stop him.It pissed him off.He wanted to walk right up to her and knock the guy out.Didn't he know that she was taken?He sighed.But she wasn't taken.She was free to do what she wanted.Who she wanted.Just like he was.Just like he'd done.Fuck!He turned away and leaned on the table.What was he going to do?

 

*****I do not take credit for the song in this story.  I Turn To You is a beautiful song by Christina Aguilera.  All credits go to her and the writer Diane Warren.  Beautiful lyrics that fit this chapter perfectly.**


	12. Chapter 12

Several people had found Julie during the evening and told her how much they were enjoying themselves. The party had been a huge success and was finally beginning to wind down.After many of the guests had departed,Amanda looked around at the ones remaining.Besides Niall and her, it was mainly their closest friends.Harry, Louis, and Liam included.JJ had spent the evening maneuvering all over the place, helping more than she needed.She noticed that Dr. Daniel had remained along with a couple of their closer nurse friends.Everyone loved Dr. Daniel.But she noticed he only had eyes for JJ.She glanced over at Harry, who was trying to be subtle but kept watching JJ whenever she was around the good doctor.It was good for him, Amanda thought.He needed to see that there were other guys that showed an interest in her.JJ was always so closed off, and she only had eyes for Harry.Amanda had encouraged JJ to open up to other dating possibilities, and now after the whole yacht debacle, she really hoped JJ had decided to look at those other options.

 

Harry had considered leaving a few different times during the evening, but he couldn't seem to actually walk out the door.He wanted to keep an eye on the over aggressive doctor who had kept Julie's attention most of the night.Every time she hadn't been running around overseeing the events, that damned doctor had made sure to capture her attention.He'd watched them slow dance.Their bodies had been way to close together for his liking.He had itched to go over and interrupt them and whisk Julie across the dance floor and away from the doctor, but he knew he didn't have any right, and he didn't want to cause a scene in the middle of the party.He should have, and could have, left already, and no one would have questioned it.But he didn't.And Julie and that damned doctor were the only reasons why.

 

Julie was standing talking to Daniel and her nurse friends from the hospital when she heard JoJo at the microphone again."I know it's late, but Niall asked if we would sing a few more songs off the album.I thought it was a great idea after speaking with him.So, as most of you know already the person who wrote that last song is in the room.She wrote a few more songs that we recorded.I am completely invested in her lyrics.As I said before, they are honest and true and make it easy to relate to.This song that I'm going to sing may be my favorite.I hope you all enjoy it as much as I do.It's called Blank Page."She sat down on a stool as her band started the music.

 

 

 

I know there's hurt, I know there's pain

But people change, Lord knows I've been no saint

In my own way, regret choices I've made

How do I say I'm sorry?How do I say I'm sorry?

 

Chorus

 

I was scared, I was unprepared

Ooooh, for the things you said

If I could undo that I hurt you

I would do anything for us to make it through

Draw me a smile and save me tonight

I am a blank page waiting for you to bring me to life

Paint me a heart, let me be your art

I am a blank page waiting for life to start

Let our hearts stop and beat as one together

Let our hearts stop and beat as one forever

 

How can I erase decisions I've made?

How do I go back, what more can I say?

All that remains are hearts filled with shame

How do we say we're sorry?How do we say we're sorry?

 

Repeat Chorus

 

I'd go back in time and I'll realize

Our spirits align and we'd never die

Draw me a smile and save me tonight

I'll be your blank page waiting for you to bring me to life

Oooooh Paint me a heart, let me be your art

I am a blank page waiting for life to start

Let our hearts stop and beat as one together

Let our hearts stop and beat as one forever

 

As the song ended, JoJo looked out over the crowd.Everyone was silent, moved by the beauty of the lyrics, but she noticed that there were some who seemed to really be affected, mainly Amanda and Niall and his band mates.  She knew she didn't know the back story, but she guessed they did."JJ, why don't you come up here for a minute?"She watched JJ, who had gone very still, shake her head and begin to laugh nervously."Yes, please.Come on."JoJostood up as JJ finally made her way onto the stage."It seems everyone already knows my brilliant friend here, the one who decided to share her brilliant lyrics with a nobody like me."She hugged JJ again and said quietly to her,"Your words are brilliant."She took a step back and asked."When did you write this song?"

 

Harry, who was standing close to the stage, finally looked up from his drink.He was curious to know that answer too.There was no doubt the song was about him.But it had to have been written during their relationship.Julie wouldn't have written this after he had broke up with her.He was still overwhelmed by the message; the lyrics had left him very emotional.He was having a hard time keeping himself together.How she had thought about the two of them.How she had thought about him.And he'd doubted her.He'd given her hell for hiding things from him.He knew that's how she was.He shouldn't have expected her to just open up completely when she'd stood up to Johnny and decided not to let him affect her life anymore.She had needed time to figure things out, and he hadn't seen how much she had accomplished.She had opened up to him so much.When he heard those lyrics.When he heard in that song that she was scared, unprepared yet willing to do anything to have them make it through her fear, he felt even worse. 

 

"It was written just over a year ago.Just before the New Year in 2014."Julie said.She'd been in a cold sweat all during the song, tense and not looking at anyone, but now she could feel the blush overtaking her cheeks and she just wanted to melt into a puddle on the floor.She felt embarrassed.She glanced at Harry.There was no doubt that the song had been written about him.Everyone would know it.She hadn't wanted anyone to know about her songs being released.They were so personal.Hearing someone else sing them though, hearing the music with them, hearing the powerful vocals from JoJo made them come even more to life for her.She glanced around at her friends.All of them seemed a little overwhelmed right now."Maybe that's enough for tonight, JoJo.They can wait for the album.Gotta have some surprises." Julie grinned half-heartedly.

 

"No."Amanda said looking up at JJ with tears in her eyes."No, let us hear some more."These two songs had shown her more of JJ than she had ever seen before, despite living with her, despite being with her through thick and thin.She thought she'd known what JJ was going through.What she was thinking, but she'd really had no clue.She knew JJ loved Harry, but this song.Saying that she was ready to start blank and new and let him help her come to life.Amanda had no clue that JJ felt this way, that Harry had meant that much to her.JJ had always hidden so much, and Amanda was beginning to realize just how much.So, Amanda did some quick calculations in her head, the timeline must have been that the lyrics were written right before Tahoe and that made a lot of sense.

 

Niall, his eyes glistening, put his arm around Amanda and kissed her temple."Yeah JJ, let us hear more if it's ok with JoJo.There's two more songs.Let us hear them."He looked at her, and there was a bit of challenge in his eyes.Julie looked overwhelmed, but he was with Amanda on this and he knew she'd acquiesce to Amanda and his challenge."Come on JJ, what will it hurt? We're going to hear them anyway."He looked over at JoJo."Please, JoJo?"

 

JoJo looked at JJ and could tell she was struggling with all of this attention, but her friends seemed to really want to hear the songs.JJ's songs were beautiful and honest, and everyone deserved to hear them.She had been itching to get them out into the world since the first time she'd heard the words.JJ would just have to get used to people hearing them."Yeah, sure.Let's do the others."JoJo went and spoke to the band.There were two more that they'd recorded, and there was one really fun song she was hoping JJ would let her do.It wasn't one she had received permission to use, but she was hoping JJ would change her mind and let her record it.JJ had come to the studio to hear the songs once the songs had been produced, and she had let JoJo in on another song she had written.They had a fun afternoon messing around with the sound, finding the right tempo for the lyrics, and it turned out really well.But JJ had refused to let her record it.She would do the two other songs she'd been given permission to record first and then talk to JJ.She walked back to the stool as JJ quickly left the stage.She hoped everyone was as enamored with the songs as she was."This song is called Best of Me."

 

 

 

Think I'm steel tough as nails

Never feel never fail

But you're wrong so damn wrong

Feel the weight of your hate

I still bleed my heart aches as you take and you take

 

Chorus

 

Words cut through my skin

Tears roll down my chin

My walls crumble within

But I'll take it all on

And get up when I fall

Til the last curtain call

But you'll never get the best of me

No more (No you won't)

Said you'll never get the best of me no more

Aren't you tired of throwing stones

Try to kick me when I'm down

But you'll never get the best of me no you won't

 

So you're cold made of ice

Heart of stone born to fight

But I cry I still cry

Are you happy to know I'm unhappy alone

Take your shot I'm wide open

 

Repeat Chorus

 

Heartbroken and beaten

Knocked down and mistreated

I will rise undefeated

I will not let you bring me down

Now the pain is deleted

And I will never repeat it

I will rise undefeated

I will not let you bring me down

No, I won't let you bring me down

 

Knocked down and mistreated

Heartbroken and beaten

Still I rise undefeated

Cuz you'll never get the best of me

 

Harry at first thought the song was about Johnny and about Julie not letting him get the best of her, but as the song progressed and he heard the 'are you happy to know I'm unhappy alone' line, he began to wonder if the lyrics were really about him.The message was clear ̶ standing on your own and being strong enough to get through.He liked that message, that fierceness about rising undefeated when being knocked down, but he didn't want to be the one who had caused her that pain in the first place. He could feel himself cringing and knew Louis was staring daggers into his back. He felt desperate to talk to her about these songs.

 

Julie took a deep breath and another drink. The cold sweat was back.She could feel her hand clammy around the stem of her wine glass. Maybe she should switch to something harder.  This whole escapade was crazy, and she was feeling very exposed.Yes, most of the guests had left, but it wouldn't have been them she would have worried about any way.It was her friends.And Harry.Especially Harry.She took another gulp from her glass.Harry hearing Blank Page was too much.It had been written at a time when she thought she might be losing him, and her heart had ached, but she hadn't.They had been able to work through those difficulties.But those lyrics captured exactly what she'd been feeling.That he had been the one she wanted to write her life with, to have their hearts synchronize into one. And their relationship had developed and had been loving and beautiful. And then she'd lost him anyway.It had been hard not to go back on her word when her producers had told her that was one of the songs they wanted her to make a demo of.She had to admit though that when JoJo sang the lyrics, the feeling was absolutely incredible.She still had a hard time knowing that her words could sound like that.She looked up when an arm wrapped around her waist.She was surprised to be disappointed when it wasn't Harry.She smiled at Daniel."Hey, I'm ok.This" she waved her hand "is just a lot."

 

Daniel didn't seem to get her nervousness. "I didn't know you wrote songs.And I didn't know that you had someone like her singing them."He said to her."They are amazing."

 

"Thank you.I haven't told anyone.Everyone's finding out for the first time tonight which is why this is so much.I didn't want to this to happen tonight but since Amanda and Niall want it, what can I do?"She asked.She was still trying to process the realization that she wished it had been Harry that put his arms around her.What the hell was going on?All the memories of their time together came flooding back. Remembering was all those feelings when she'd been writing the songs was getting to her.

 

Harry slammed his glass down on the table.He couldn't take much more of this.Between the emotions hitting him from the lyrics in the song, the songs, to this jackass who thought he could just come in and put his hands all over his girlfriend, ex-girlfriend, fuck!He didn't care.The jackass needed to back off.He had known he wanted her back before, but this jealousy was a whole new ballgame for him.He'd acted jealous with Zayn, but this feeling right here, actually seeing her with someone else and knowing that's EXACTLY what it was, was pissing him off completely.He glared right at Julie and the fucking doctor.

 

"Harry, relax."Louis said as he wiped up the drink that slopped out of the glass when Harry slammed it down."There's nothing you can do.Talk to her when you can, but it will not help your cause if you start anything right now."

 

"The fucker's asking for it."Harry said.

 

"No, he's not.You're the one who's been asking for it.And you got it in spades tonight.Now do you have an idea what JJ felt when she saw those pictures of you and Kendall?You really are a piece of work.And yeah, I get that you want her back, after you stupidly broke up with her and then shoved your fucking Kendall down the whole world's throat. The thing is right now you don't have her.You should have fought for her before.Sorry, but it's the truth.Now, you have to let her decide."Louis leaned back on the table with his elbow."Just listen to the next song like a good boy, and you can talk to her another time."

 

 

 

"Fuck off, Louis."Harry said bitterly, and he shook his head when Louis just laughed at him.This sucked.All of it. And yeah, the whole damn situation was his fault.He'd been a right jerk.So he'd bide his time and listen to the next song.It was called Empty Words.And the message was similar to the previous song.Saying that no matter what words you throw you won't break me.But the most poignant line was the one that said, 'the hardest part of this cannot be heard or seen, this journey starts when I begin loving me'.And that hit him.She was learning to love herself.Not letting anyone else break her.And he'd decided at that point to just throw their relationship away.And he wondered if she was talking to him when it said, 'you won't break, you won't break me, you can't take me down'.He wished she would have shared more of this with him.He had been right.That notebook would have given him an insight to her.She had let him see a little.But just enough to keep him happy.That wasn't fair though.She was showing him more and more as time went on, and then he broke up with her.She never let him see the songs though.The lyrics.The deepest part of her. But then she hadn't shared them with anyone.He could tell Amanda hadn't heard them either.She was drinking the words in, absorbing them, processing them, trying to figure Julie out. Well, at least they had that in common.

 

"Ok, that's enough."Julie huffed as she walked up and hugged JoJo.When JoJo asked her about the other song, she shook her head no vigorously.No way.That so wasn't going to happen.It was a fun song, and it had a great big band feel, but it was a tongue in cheek song about Harry, and as soon as it got into the first verse, he would know.She needed to write something that wasn't about Harry, obviously. 

 

"Come on JJ.Let's do this song.You can sing it with me."JoJo begged."Come on; you wouldn't let me record it and put it on the album, let me do this."

 

"Sing with her?"Amanda called to JJ."Come on, I want to see this."

 

"No."Julie said shaking her head at Amanda.She glanced over at Harry and raised her eyebrows at Amanda to get her to understand.

 

Amanda had the audacity to smirk at Julie. She knew good and well that the song was about Harry before she'd even heard it.And she was determined to make Julie sing it.  "Oh, come on, I want to hear it, and it's my engagement party.Just do the song."Amanda said leaning back against Niall.

 

Julie shook her head, glaring pointedly at Amanda, and let out a breath."Fine, but this is it, thank god.And I'm wondering if I'm going to show her anymore songs."The next beleaguered glance was at JoJo.

 

"You better."JoJo said."I love your work."She turned to the band to start the song."So, this song is called Candyman, and it's a lot of fun."

 

 

 

I met him out for dinner on a Friday night

He really had me working up an appetite

He had tattoos up and down his arm

There's nothing more dangerous than a boy with charm

He's a one stop shop makes the panties drop

He's a sweet-talking sugar coated candyman

A sweet-talking sugar coated candyman

 

Julie felt so embarrassed as the first verse ended.She couldn't believe she was up here performing this with JoJo.It was so much more than playing around in the studio, or even karaoke, right now.They were her words and it was a fun song, but knowing that Harry was the muse behind this song left her squeamish.And JoJo's voice was so good and so strong that she felt way out her league.But by the second verse, JoJo had pulled her out of her shell, and Julie found herself bopping along and smiling through the rest of the lyrics.She found she was actually having a lot of fun.By the time the song ended and JoJo belted out all the high notes with Julie harmonizing with her, Julie felt this sense of delight. The music had carried her away, and she felt a sense of pride.Then reality set in, and as she looked out over the audience, she turned and practically ran from the stage.She went and got another drink. She took a sip and covered her face.She didn't know if it was the alcohol, the elation she'd felt, her normal embarrassment or something as yet undefinable.

 

Niall watched JJ and just shook his head.He found himself smiling at her especially when she started to open up after the first verse.She actually held her own harmonizing pretty well with JoJo.The song was not something he would have expected.The other songs were deep and meaningful with a lot of feeling and emotion.This last one was fun and catchy with a lighter message.One that was a little embarrassing if he thought about it too much.Especially knowing it was about his friend.But seeing JJ cut loose and have fun was worth any embarrassment.He had started to see this fun-loving JJ appear before Harry and she had broken up but not since that time. She seemed to have gone straight back into her shell. Watching her perform with JoJo, he realized that there were others who had helped JJ cut loose and have a good time. People outside their small group she'd let into her life.He was proud of her.Sure, just like everyone else, he wished she would have come to him, but she had accomplished this and that's what mattered in the end.

 

Amanda was laughing.She couldn't help it.The look on all the guys' faces struck her as humorous."Oh, god.That was a fun song.That's for sure.And definitely a different trek from what we'd heard prior.Glad she cut loose."She couldn't stop laughing at Harry's shocked expression."Oh, come on.It's obviously not that serious.A bit of a tongue in cheek, most likely.You know her."

 

"Yeah, maybe."He thought back over the lyrics.He just shook his head.Ok, so he'd had songs written about him before, but that.He shook his head again.Ok, fine.It was fun.But he was still going back to her Blank Page song.He needed to talk to her.Alone.He needed to figure some of this out, and quickly, before that doctor did anything more.He was tired of being angry at that damned doctor for being where he wanted to be.

 

Amanda made her way over to JJ."Um, so that was quite an interesting song.Rather obviously about Harry."She laughed."It was a lot of fun."

 

"Yeah.That's all it was supposed to be.I had some of the words down, just being funny, and JoJo helped finish it.I didn't let her record it though, didn't want anyone to hear it, but she loves it."Julie responded taking another deep drink from her wine glass.

 

"Whoa, slow down there, sister."Amanda said removing the glass from JJ's hand."Don't worry so much.It was fun.And the rest of the songs were great.They made us all think.And I'm going to talk to you more about all this tomorrow.But I see that tonight's not the time.Tonight, was great.And before you say it turned too much into being about you, it didn't.We had everything we needed.And we got a song written by my best friend that included us.And I got to see part of you that even I hadn't seen before.I couldn't have asked for a better night."She leaned over and kissed Julie quickly."I love you, JJ.Just remember that.I will see you tomorrow."She hugged her again and then walked back to Niall. She knew she had some feelings to process. Those songs had said so much that she didn't know about her best friend, and she was flabbergasted at what JJ had been hiding from her. But tonight had been magical, surrounded by friends, joy and love, and she knew she could wait for the quiet moment to talk to JJ.

 

Julie watched Niall turn and wave and blow her a kiss.He then walked out hand in hand with Amanda.She was glad this night was over.She wasn't going home tonight.She had decided to spend the night in a hotel.She didn't want to interrupt whatever it was Niall and Amanda were doing.She turned around when she felt arms wrap around her from behind."Hey Daniel."She said before she turned around.He was being a bit more aggressive.Guess she couldn't deny his interest anymore. She just wasn't sure how she felt about it.

 

"Hey, why don't you let me give you a ride home?"He squeezed his arms tighter around her waist.

 

"Thanks, I appreciate it.But I've got some more work to do before I leave, and I'm not going home."She said."Thanks for the company tonight."

 

"I wish you would let me be in your company more often.Come on.Let me take you out sometime."Daniel offered."You've been turning me down long enough, don't you think?"

 

"You're going to hate this, but it's not you, it's me.I've just got a lot I'm dealing with.And even though it's been awhile, I'm still dealing with the end of my last relationship."Julie said gently turning him down.

 

"Coffee, that's all.Please?"Daniel tried again."Think about it at least?"

 

Julie looked up to see Harry still standing at the table staring over at them.She wanted to get out of here."Ok, fine, I will think about it, but no promises."She smiled and excused herself telling him she would see him at work.She went and said her good byes to JoJo before she left thanking her once again for coming and then scolding her for embarrassing her.JoJo took it in stride.She'd seen Julie in action and knew what she was capable of. She'd already decided she was going to provide any opportunity she could for Julie to shine.Julie did one last check with the staff to make sure all was in order before she left.As she reached the front door, she felt a hand on her elbow.She didn't even have to turn around to know it was Harry."Do we have to do this now?"She asked as she slowly turned to meet his eyes.

 

Authors Note

I once again take no credit for the songs written in this chapter.  They are, again, songs by the brilliant Christina Aguilera, which I felt fit perfectly into this journey.  Blank Page is tagged as the header of this chapter.  If you haven't listened to it, I do suggest you do.  It packs a more powerful punch when you do.You SHOULD listen to all the songs as it seriously helps with the feeling and even though Candyman was written long before we knew Harry Styles oh it fits so well 


	13. Chapter 13

"I think we need to talk, Julie," Harry said letting go of her elbow.  He looked up at her.  She was standing at the top the small staircase leading to the exit and he was a couple of steps down.

 

"Why?  Just because I wrote a few songs doesn't make us have to have a conversation.  I'm tired, Harry, and I don't want to do this anyway.  And I REALLY don't want to do it right now," she said while still remembering how she was disappointed that the arms around her waist earlier was Daniel and not Harry.  She let her eyes wander his face for a few seconds.  He was so handsome.  There was no one who could come close.  Her physical attraction to him would never be topped.  But her emotional one was strained to the breaking point.  The hurt she experienced when he broke up with her was made worse by his running back to Kendall.  There was something about her that Julie just could not accept.

 

"A few songs that will let the world in more than you ever let me in.  Things you never let me see."  Harry said trying to take her hand, but she wouldn't allow it.  "Julie, please."

 

"Whose fault is that?  You wouldn't let me work slowly into it.  You ended it before I even got that far."  She turned away.  "I don't want to do this.  You shouldn't expect me too."

 

"You will never want too.  And we need too."  Harry said to her quietly.

 

"No, Harry, we don't.  We're not together, we're not friends, we aren't even acquaintances anymore."  She said putting her hand on the door knob.  "I can't ever forgive you.  Even if you asked."

 

"You said you love me.  Julie.  We should talk about that.  Can't you just stop being so damn stubborn right now?"  He asked.  He was starting to get frustrated.  He understood he fucked up, he understood she was hurt.  More so than ever right now.  After those songs, he felt it even more.  He wanted to talk to her about them.  About everything.

 

"No, stubborn is the way that I've managed to get through the last six years of my life.  And stubborn is the only way I'm going to get through the rest of it.  You gave me a moment of clarity in an otherwise fucked up existence.  And I will be forever grateful for that.  But that's all it was."  She said through the tears caught in her throat and turned and opened the door.

 

"That is not all it was.  It really hurts for you to say that."  He ran his hand through his hair.  That one got him.  That's not all he was to her, not with the feelings they shared and what they went through.

 

"Ask me if I care right now."  She said closing the door behind her.  Why?  Why did he have to do this?  Why couldn't he just leave her alone?  Why did he insist on pushing this now, when she finally had other things good in her life that she accomplished?  It wasn't fair.  She knew she would regret telling him she still loved him.  This was the longest day.  She just wanted to go to bed and sleep away the problems.  She knew she would never forget them, but at least the short time she slept she didn't have to think about Harry, or her past, or her struggles.  She just hoped the dreams stayed away.  She sighed and turned to walk towards the hotel.  The only thing worse would be for it to start raining before she got there.  Just like a scene from a depressing romantic movie, the rain started to fall before she made it down the first block.  "Well played," she said to the sky.  "Well played."

 

Julie woke with a start and sat up quickly in the hotel bed.  She looked around and realized she was in the hotel room.  She had no idea what woke her.  She lay back down on her pillow when she heard the knock on the door.  Who would be knocking?  That's probably what woke her before.  No one but Amanda and Niall knew where she was.  They booked the room for her when she insisted she wasn't going to go back to Niall's.  A sudden feeling of dread ran through her body.  She couldn't explain it.  The little hairs on her arms stood up.  She hadn't had a feeling like this since she casted Johnny from her life months ago.  Why would she think about it now?  There's no reason he would come find her.  Is there?  Oh god, she was alone, completely.  She stood on her toes, took a breath and looked through the peep hole.  She sighed, why?  She slowly opened the door and saw Harry leaning against the door frame.  He obviously hadn't gone home after the party.  She opened the door slowly.  "Harry, what are you doing here?"  She put her hands on his waist when he stumbled towards her.  Great.  Drunk, again.  She took a deep breath.  Niall or Amanda must have mentioned where she was staying.  "You should go home to bed."

 

"I don't want to.  I want to talk to you."  He said stumbling further into the room.  Niall had mentioned earlier that she was staying at this hotel tonight.  It didn't take much to figure out what room.  He had gone and had a bit more to drink after she refused to talk to him earlier.

 

"Yeah, now doesn't seem to be the time."  She watched him practically fall into the chair.  "What is with you lately?"  She shook her head.  She put her hand out.  "Let me have your phone so I can call to have someone get you."

 

"No, I had them bring me here, why would I want them to get me?  I want you to talk to me."  He sat up and leaned his elbows on his knees.  He didn't realize he had drunk so much.  "I want to figure this out."

 

"Harry, there's nothing to figure out.  I thought I was pretty clear earlier.  I don't want to do this, I didn't want to do it before the party, or after, and I don't want to do it when you show up here drunk."  She took a deep breath to try to remain calm.  Getting upset when he was here like this wasn't going to accomplish anything.

 

"Ask me if I care."  He said looking at her.  Those same words she said to him earlier.  They had hurt.  So why exactly did he decide to use them against her when he was trying to get her to talk to him?

 

"Being an asshole isn't going to get you what you want.  You can get out."  She picked up her phone and scrolled through the names.  She thought about calling Niall, but she wouldn't.  Not now.  It was early morning, and she was sure him and Amanda hadn't gone to sleep until recently.  She scrolled to another.  She put it to her ear.

 

"Who are you calling?  I told you I didn't want you to call anyone."  He said standing and reaching for her phone.  She stepped out of his reach, and he had to put his hand on the bed to steady himself.  "Last time I was drunk and there was a bed involved was fun.  Maybe we should do it again."  He smirked at her.

 

"Never," she said as she turned and spoke into the phone.  "Louis?  I'm sorry to bother you.  Harry showed up at my hotel room, drunk, and doesn't think he should leave.  I don't think he should leave on his own.  How about an assist?  I will owe you one."

 

Louis put his forehead in his hand.  "Yeah, I'll be there soon.  Let me know the hotel and room number."  He jotted it down and got up.  "Ok, just, try not to kill him before I get there."  He hung up the phone, threw his clothes on, and grabbed his keys.  Damn it Harry, he thought to himself.  He was going to make this worse, if that was even possible.  He got in his car to go get the drunken fool.

 

Harry looked at her.  "I can't believe you called Louis.  I told you not to call anyone.  Why can't you just fucking talk to me?"

 

"I don't want to talk to you sober.  Why would I want to have a conversation I'm already trying to avoid, when you're drunk?"  Why not just state the truth?  "I don't know why you thought it was a good idea to come here.  Actually, it shouldn't surprise me.  You haven't made the best decisions lately, have you?"  She went and leaned her back against the dresser.  She didn't want to be anywhere near him, or the bed right now.

 

"Why do you act like you're scared of me?"  He straightened himself up and looked over at her.  Damn the shorts and tank top she was sleeping in.  He remembered them well.  They hugged every curve of her body.  He watched her cross her arms around herself.  She must have noticed the way he was looking at her.  "You don't have to cover up.  I've seen you in less."

 

"Yeah, well you aren't going to again."  She pushed herself off the dresser and went and got a hoodie from her bag and pulled it on over her head.  She got her pajama pants and put them over her shorts.  She wasn't sure how cool the room would be so she brought both the shorts and pants.

 

"You still look hot as hell."  He said to her.  "I don't know why you insist on fighting this so bad.  We should talk. We should work this out."

 

"It's too late, Harry.  Just give up.  Besides I'm not going to be your game again.  I'm not going to be the girl you chase and then as soon as you get, decide you can't handle the relationship."  She said as she went to get some water.  She handed him a bottle.  "You should probably drink that so you don't wake up with such a bad hangover."

 

"Is that really what you think?  That it was all about the chase?  We were together a long time after I 'got you', last time."  He said shaking his head.

 

"Were we?  Because I swear as soon as I was truly able to work on us, you decided we shouldn't."  She said.  "But that's enough.  I told you, I'm not talking to you about this.  Not now, and don't expect ever."

 

Well he was getting a little more out of her.  If he saw her like a million more times, maybe he could get somewhere.  "You're so frustrating.  I forget sometimes just how much.  Don't go back behind your wall.  Just say what you need too.  Let's do this."

 

"No.  I'm done."  She went to answer the door when she heard a knock.  "Hey Louis, took you long enough."

 

Louis laughed when he walked in.  "I got here as fast as I could.  Is he really annoying you that badly?"

 

"Yes."  Julie said at the same time as Harry said no.  She just looked at him and pursed her lips.  "Can you just get him home, please?"

 

Louis laughed harder.  These two were going to drive him crazy.  "Harry, come on man.  I told you earlier now is not the time.  And you're wasted now, so it's DEFINITELY not the time."

 

"If she'd just fucking talk to me, there wouldn't be such a problem."  Harry said looking at Julie.  "Just fucking talk to me."

 

"Just fucking go away."  Julie exclaimed.  "Get it through your head.  I begged you to stay, and you wouldn't, and now I want you to go, can you just do ONE thing I ask?"

 

"Ask me to stay."  He said to her.  His heart was begging her to let him stay, to talk to him, to at least figure something out.  He could see her pain behind her stubbornness.  She was fighting hard to remain strong, to remain steady in her reactions.  At first, all he saw was her anger, her inability to let anything go, but now, more than ever he could see what she was doing.  She was hiding behind that rough exterior.  The one she had before that he saw come down slowly.

 

"No."  She clenched her teeth and looked at Louis.  Her heart felt like it was breaking all over again.  She just wanted him out of this hotel room before she broke down.  She didn't want anyone to see her break down.  He told her not to go back behind her wall but that's the only place she wanted to be.  She was barely holding on.

 

Louis looked at Julie.  She was pleading him with her eyes.  She wanted him to remove Harry from this situation.  He hoped at some point she would agree to talk to him, but now wasn't that time.  "Harry, mate, let's go.  Even you know this isn't the right time."

 

"It will never be the right time if it remains up to her."  He moved to Julie quickly before she had a chance to walk away.  He put his hand on her chin imploring her to look at him while he looked down at her.  "Just look at me.  I want to have a chance to talk.  We just need to talk."

 

She pulled her chin from his hand.  "Don't touch me."  She pushed his arm away.  How dare he come and think he can just do that?  "Just go, please?  I'm begging you to just go."

 

Harry stepped back.  He was stunned sober.  Her whole demeanor changed.  She shut down.  Just like that.  Completely.  It was even worse than he thought, he needed to do this a different way.  He turned to Louis.  "Yeah, ok, let's go."  He walked towards the door.  He turned back to Julie when Louis opened the door.  "I won't give up, I may be for tonight, but I'm going to get you to talk to me."  He stepped into the hallway.  He held up his phone.  "Can you at least give me your new number?  I know you've had it changed again since we broke up."

 

Julie just stared at him.  The audacity of this man.  Who the hell did he think he was?  She took a minute but then walked over to him.  She took the phone and typed in it and then handed it back to him.  She shut the door behind him and Louis.  She would thank Louis later.  Right now, she just wanted to go back to sleep.  She was ready to cry.  She didn't want to.  She stripped off her hoodie and sweat pants and climbed back under the covers.  She closed her eyes.  Oh, please let her sleep.

 

Louis looked at Harry when he started laughing.  "What are you laughing at?"

 

Harry had looked at his phone to save Julie's number in it.  He started laughing, and when Louis questioned why he was laughing, he showed Louis is phone screen.  Instead of her number the only words written were, 'In your dreams'.

 

Louis shook his head.  "So, why are you laughing?"

 

Harry smiled as he walked down the hallway with Louis.  "I miss that.  I miss her smart mouth and her stubbornness; I miss her sass and her attitude."  He shook his head.  He should have expected this.

 

"Yeah?  Well guess you should have gotten your head out of your ass a lot sooner then, huh?  Because I'm not sure you have a chance in hell to convince her to give you another chance now."  Louis advised him as they got into his car.

 

"Thanks for the pep talk.  You've been really good at them lately."  Harry said sarcastically.  "You've been giving me shit for days.  When did you become her best friend and biggest supporter?"

 

"Honestly?  After I saw you and Kendall's PDA on that yacht.  I think that was the biggest dick move to make.  Even if I didn't know you were still in love with JJ."  Louis said pulling out and driving towards Harry's house.  "Now, I wouldn't forgive you if I were her."

 

"Why?  No, seriously, why?"  Harry asked.  "We weren't together, it's not like I was cheating on her."

 

"Oh, you can't be serious."  Louis sighed.  "You know the answer to that.  Here's the thing Harry.  Either you own up to everything.  Or you might as well forget it.  She's going to see through all your bullshit.  You may have not been together, but you knew you going to Kendall was going to hurt her."

 

Harry looked out the window as they got closer to his house.  "Yeah, I did know."  He said and sighed.

 

"Your pride is going to be the thing that keeps you from getting her back.  If you're going to fight for her, Harry, mean it.  If you aren't, let her be.  Let her move on or at least try."  Louis said pulling into Harry's driveway.  "She doesn't deserve to be messed with."

 

"I would never mess with her like that."  Harry said opening the door.  "Not on purpose.  But yeah, I will think about things before I try and talk to her again.  Thanks for the ride."

 

"Sure, no problem man," Louis said as he drove off.

 

Harry walked into his house and threw his keys on the table by the door.  What was he thinking showing up to her hotel room like that?  He knew he wouldn't get anywhere, but he just wanted to talk to her.  The morning before the party he learned she still loved him.  He wanted to explore that.  He wanted to see if it really was still there.  They just needed a chance to talk without her being so angry, so defensive.  He chuckled at himself.  Of course, she was angry and defensive.  He walked upstairs and threw himself on his bed.  He just had to wear her down.  Take it slow.  Work down the defenses a little.  Yeah, that's it.  He would work on figuring out how to be around her more often and just slowly try to wear her down.

 

Thank you all so much for reading! It means so much to me!Please feel free to leave any feedback! It really means a lot!


	14. Chapter 14

A few days had passed since the engagement party.  Amanda still hadn't spoken to JJ in detail.  She wanted too, but JJ had spent an extra night at the hotel, for reasons she didn't know, and then JJ seemed to purposely avoid her. JJ even took additional shifts at the hospital.  Amanda tried to be up when JJ arrived home from work this morning, but somehow, she missed her and didn't want to wake her to talk to her.  She texted her last night and asked her to come to the beach today.  JJ said she might if she wakes up in time.  At least, she wasn't working tonight.  She lay back on her lounge chair.  Niall was meeting her here as well.  He had some things to take care of this morning.  She normally wouldn't have minded the alone time, but it made her think of way too much.  She sat up again when she saw JJ walking towards her.  She couldn't believe what she saw, JJ wasn't alone.  As they got a little closer, she saw that JJ had brought Daniel along.  Well, wow!  Amanda was shocked.  She wasn't expecting that.  "Hey," she said standing up and hugging JJ.  "I'm so glad you could come."  She nodded her head towards Daniel.  "This is a surprise."

 

"Yeah, I'm glad I could come too.  Should be nice to be lazy in the sun."  Julie smiled at Amanda and then shrugged.  "Yeah, he was around when I read the text.  Figured you wouldn't mind.  He hasn't been here yet.  Told him it was the best beach in town."  She set her things on the lounge next to Amanda.  "Where's Niall?"

 

"He had a few things to do, he's meeting us here."  Amanda sat back down on the lounge.  "It's nice to see you Daniel.  JJ is right; this is the best beach around.  So, hope you enjoy."  She looked at JJ.  "We should go get a drink."  She wanted to talk to her.  What was she doing with Daniel?  She wanted to talk to her about the songs, and Harry.  Holy hell was she overwhelmed with information she wanted to know.  Being JJ's best friend was hard.

 

"How about I go get everyone a drink."  Daniel said.  "Give you two a chance to talk about me."  He smiled at them and nodded at Julie.  He got what they wanted and then walked down the beach to the bar.

 

"So, what's going on with Daniel?"  Amanda asked JJ as soon as Daniel was out of ear shot.

 

"I don't know.  He's been a bit more forward lately.  Guess I can't deny he's interested.  He's a nice guy.  I just don't think I'm ready to get into everything.  But I'm trying to let him be a friend.  Just gotta see if he realizes that's what it is right now.  I don't really want to go into my past with him yet, and he's already questioning my relationship or past relationship with Harry."

 

"What's going on with you and Harry?"  Amanda asked.  When Julie just shot her a look she laughed.  "Look you have been really quiet and closed off.  I need answers.  JJ, you know we don't want to see you go back to being alone and closed off.  And you're even closing me off more than you did before."

 

"Panda.  It's just different.  I'm trying to figure things out.  I used you and Niall and Harry the last time, and I've learned I need to do it on my own."  Julie said taking her shorts and tank top off.

 

"No, you don't.  Why?  Why would you say that?"  Amanda asked hurt.  "JJ, that hurts."

 

"Seems I'm good at that these days."  Julie took a deep breath.  "Because I gave everything that I was capable of giving to Harry and look what happened, and when we broke up, I didn't even know how to survive.  I didn't know how to go on and that I don't want to happen again."

 

"Ok, look, JJ."  Amanda sat up and looked at her.  "I understand, to a point.  But I haven't gone anywhere.  I don't plan on it."

 

"Exactly what Harry told me."  Julie said.  She put her sunscreen on and laid back on the lounge.  "I don't want to talk about it."

 

"Of course, you don't."  Amanda sighed.  "But you have to.  Damn it JJ.  You've hidden SO much, I didn't even know you were writing songs or trying to give them to record labels or anything and I live with you.  Why are you letting what happened with Harry affect EVERYTHING?"

 

"Stop.  Panda.  I mean it."  Julie said.  She didn't want to hear it, deal with it.  She's had to deal with Harry lately, and she didn't want to get into it with Amanda too.

 

"Fine, for now.  But talk to me about Daniel.  Are you dating?"  Amanda asked.  She saw Daniel standing at the bar getting the drinks.

 

"Did I not just tell you that he needs to realize that we're just friends?"  Julie shook her head.

 

"Yeah, well I don't think he realizes it.  I told you as soon as I came back from Ireland that he was interested.  He seems like a good guy."  Amanda said.  She wanted to feel out how much JJ really liked this guy, and he was a decent guy.  He was kind to everyone, he worked hard, and he was good-looking.

 

"Yes, he's a good guy, and I don't mind spending some time with him.  But it's not like I'm looking for anything more.  I don't need that, especially now."  She said as she watched Daniel walk back up to her.  "Thank you."  She smiled at him and took a drink.  "Perfect, good to know you listen well."

 

Daniel sat down at the end of her lounge chair.  "So, how about a swim?  I see you've already gotten ready."  He rubbed a little extra sun screen into her leg.  "I would have helped with that.  As a doctor, I know how important it is to have a good sunscreen."

 

Julie rolled her eyes as she heard Amanda groan.  "Is that the best you got?  I'm sort of disappointed.  With all your education, I would have assumed you would have come up with something better than that."

 

Daniel laughed.  "Yeah, guess that was pretty bad.  Sorry, I will try to make it better next time."

 

"How about, no."  Julie said shaking her head.  "No more cheesy pickup lines."

 

"Alright, alright, alright."  Daniel laughed.  "So, let's go swim."  He took the glass out of her hand and pulled her up.  "You want to come Amanda?"

 

"No, I will wait for Niall.  You guys have fun."  Amanda laid back and covered her eyes with her sunglasses.  She needed time to process.  She watched JJ and Daniel walk into the water.  She didn't know what to think.  Part of her wanted JJ to see someone else.  Get back into dating.  But part of her was also hoping now that Harry was around again that they could work it out.  She knew JJ loved Harry, and she also knew Harry loved JJ.  The problem was that JJ's heart was so fragile.  It had gone through so much and everyone looked at her as this cold, tough, smartass, but she knew different.  She knew that inside it was fragile, and Harry shattered it.  JJ didn't want to give her heart to anyone, and she had given it to Harry.  Thanks to him it was going to take even more work to get her to open up.  And more work than last time was a lot of work.

 

Niall walked up to Amanda and leaned down and kissed her when she didn't notice.  "Hey Princess, what's going on?  You didn't even hear me coming?"

 

"Sorry, I was, lost in thought."  And watching JJ and Daniel closely.  She heard someone say 'hey Amanda' and practically jumped.  Shit!  She thought.  She looked from Niall to Harry.  "I didn't know you were coming."  She said to Harry.  Fuck.  JJ and Daniel were here and as soon as Harry noticed he wouldn't be pleased.

 

"Well, hello to you too."  Harry said shaking his head.

 

"What was that?"  Niall asked sitting next to Amanda.

 

Amanda whispered to him and gestured with her hand to the water.  "JJ's here."

 

"So?"  Niall asked giving her a look.

 

As if JJ being here when Harry was here wouldn't have been problematic enough.  "She brought Daniel."  When Niall didn't seem to catch on she sighed.  "Dr. Daniel?  You know the one hitting on her at the engagement party?"

 

"Oh," Niall said glancing at Harry and then at the water.  It didn't take long for him to spot them.  They were messing around with each other in the water.  Splashing each other and running around a little.  He would have been happy to see JJ having fun if it wasn't with another guy and especially if Harry wasn't standing right there.  He had talked to Harry earlier, and Harry had told him that he wanted to get JJ to talk to him, see if they could work things out, but JJ was being stubborn.  Well now she was with another guy.  One, who Niall was convinced, was way too interested.  He looked up at Harry to see if he noticed yet.

 

Harry first saw two extra drinks on the table between two of the lounge chairs, he figured Amanda wasn't drinking all three so he figured there were other people here.  Before he even asked he followed Niall and Amanda's gaze towards the water.  He smiled at first when he saw Julie in her bikini in the water, but it faded and was replaced by an angry frown when he saw she was with that dickhead doctor.  He crossed his arms when he saw dickhead grab her around the waist, pick her up and spin her around.  "What the fuck?"  Harry said out loud.  He didn't mean to say it out loud though.

 

Niall stood up.  "I didn't know he would be here Harry, or I wouldn't have invited you.  Sorry."

 

Julie put her hands on Daniel's chest when he grabbed her.  Too much.  It scared her.  "Daniel.  Please don't do that."  She said pushing away so she could put her feet on the ground.

 

Daniel looked at her.  "What?  I was just playing around.  I thought we were having fun."

 

"We were.  We are.  It's complicated.  I just, I just don't like to be grabbed like that.  It's a long story.  Just, I'm sorry, but I don't like it."  Julie said stepping back.

 

"Ok, I'm sorry."  Daniel said.  "Did something happen to you?"  He asked as he stepped to her and put his hands on her waist slowly and gently.  "I wouldn't hurt you."

 

Julie thought back to Harry telling her the same damn thing.  He swore he wouldn't hurt her either.  And he didn't, not physically, which is what they both meant, but he did emotionally more than she wanted to admit.  She took his hands off her waist and stepped back.  "Yeah, I get it, but I'm not ready to deal with that yet.  Just, let's go get our drinks."

 

Daniel stepped closer to her and took her hand gently in his.  "You can talk to me.  JJ, I like you.  If you haven't noticed. I'd like to get to know you better.  I'd like you to give me a chance."

 

Julie closed her eyes.  He was a nice guy.  He was really kind and sweet.  He did well at the hospital, and there were a ton of single nurses who would love to be in her shoes right now.  But she just didn't think she would be able too.  "I've noticed.  But it's really complicated, and I'm just not sure I'm ready to explain it all.  And I'd need a ton of patience and sometimes that's not even enough."

 

"So you know, I'm going to hug you.  Don't be scared."  He stepped closer and pulled her gently into his arms.  "You don't have to worry.  Just give me a chance.  Just talk to me."

 

Julie's mind went straight back to Harry telling her that multiple times.  This was horrible.  She stepped back again out of his arms.  "Daniel, I already told you I would hang out, as friends.  I'm not ready right now.  And I just really wish you would stop pushing."  She turned to walk out of the water but was met with a hand taking hers.  She sighed as she turned towards Daniel.

 

Harry watched the exchange.  He was becoming extremely pissed off.  When Julie pushed him away the second time and stepped back, he took a step towards the water.  Dr. Dickhead really needed to back the fuck off of her.  He could tell when she was grabbed she didn't like it.  And she tried to walk away a couple of times, and he kept touching her.  "He better back the fuck off."  He heard himself say out loud.  "Can't he see it fucking bothers her?"

 

"Calm down Harry."  Amanda said getting up.  "Please don't cause a scene.  We've stayed pretty incognito here.  We don't need attention.  It wouldn't do you any good, especially with JJ."

 

"I don't give a fuck if he's going to keep messing with her like that."  Harry said taking another step towards the water.  "I don't care what she thinks. Dr. Dickhead won't get away with touching her when she doesn't want him too."

 

"Harry, don't do anything stupid."  Niall cautioned.  "You have to let her do what she wants."

 

"She's trying to stop him, and he just won't get the hint."  Harry squeezed his hands into fists.

 

"Looks to me like he's being gentle and kind. Harry, I get the concern, but he's not hurting her."Amanda got up and walked towards the water.  She stopped in front of JJ and Daniel.  "Problem?"  She asked glancing at the both of them.

 

"No, no problem.  Just a bit of a misunderstanding."  Julie said.

 

"Harry's here."  Amanda blurted out.  She planned on having more tact than that, but it didn't work.  She needed JJ to know.

 

Julie looked at Amanda angrily.  "What?  Why would you ask me here if he was coming?"

 

"I didn't know he was coming.  Niall must have been with him today, and they came together.  Neither of us knew if you were coming for sure or that you..." she trailed off as she glanced at Daniel.

 

"Shouldn't matter who I bring anywhere."  She looked at Daniel.  "I'm sorry, but I think I'm going to go.  Do you want to stay?"

 

Daniel looked at Julie and then Amanda and then back to Julie.  "No, if you're going then so am I.  I can give you a ride since I brought you."  He looked up the beach to see Niall and Harry both staring at him and the two girls.  Harry looked quite tense.  Ok a lot tense.  He could feel his eyes burning into him.  "So, is that the ex?  The one who you aren't quite past yet?  If not, you have quite the admirer.  He gave me the death glare at the party, and it's just as bad if not worse now."

 

Julie looked at Harry.  How fucking awkward.  "Yes, that's him."  No reason to lie.  "I didn't know he would be here, and I'd really just like to go."  She tried to let go of his hand.  She sighed when he wouldn't let it go.  "Daniel.  Now is not the time for this."  She turned towards him and looked up at him.

 

"You have really beautiful eyes."  He rubbed the thumb of his free hand over her cheek.  "I can tell that there's more to you than you will let me know.  Why?"

 

"It's complicated."  Julie said, again.  It seemed like that's all she said to him.

 

"But why is it complicated?  I'm just asking for a chance to get to know you better.  Go out with me.  For real.  Let me show you that I'm serious about getting to know you better."  He had asked around about her at work.  Tried to get people to tell him why she was resistant to him.  All they would tell him is that she had just gotten out of a relationship.  No one knew anything else or at least wouldn't tell him.

 

"Look Daniel, I'm complex, I'm complicated and I'm just not ready.  And I'm sorry if you don't like that answer, but it's the truth.  Right now, I'm working on me and things for me.  And that's what I need to do.  I'm not looking to date anyone.  Not casually and not seriously.  And whether you want to believe it or not, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with me."  She slid her hand from his.  "I'm sorry you don't want to accept that."  What was it with men and them not accepting what she said or what she wanted?

 

"You can't do that getting to know someone in the process?"  He took her hands slowly so he didn't scare her.  "I think you're more than worth it.  We've known each other awhile now."  He leaned down slowly and caught her lips.  He'd wanted to kiss her since before the engagement party.

 

Julie closed her eyes when he kissed her.  She hadn't been kissed in so long.  She put her hands on his chest and after a moment she pushed him backwards.  When she opened her eyes she caught movement out of the corner of her eye and turned and put her hands up catching Harry in the chest as he came towards them.  "Harry, don't."

 

"He can't just fucking do what he wants, when he wants."  He pointed his finger at the doctor.  "You need to learn your boundaries and listen to what she's saying."

 

Julie grabbed his arm and pulled it down.  She spun him around and pushed him up the beach.  "What the hell do you think you're doing!?"  She said angrily to him.  "You have no right!"

 

"He wouldn't back the fuck off!  I saw you push him away and turn away more than once, and he wouldn't just listen!"  He looked back to the doctor who was having a conversation with Amanda.

 

"Seems to be a theme lately with men not listening to anything I say!"  Julie said throwing her hands up to her sides.  "Because seems to me you sure as hell don't listen to ANYTHING that I say either.  It's like I have no say in anything.  I told you to back the fuck off!  That I'm not ready to talk to you, and I don't know if I ever will be.Yet, you jump right into a situation you don't belong."

 

"I wasn't going to let him disrespect you like that!"  He looked down at her dumbfounded.  "Julie, Jesus Christ.  You were telling him no, I could see it from back here."

 

"I could have handled it Harry.  Thank you."  She said walking to the chair for her clothes.

 

"Yeah, sure looked like it, the fucker kissed you when you were telling him no."  Harry glared at her.  "Sure looked like you were handling it.  Be even more fucking pissed at me.  I don't give a fuck.  What else is new?  I'd knock his ass out if I needed too."

 

"Yeah, that's rational Harry.  He's been a little persistent, but it's not like it's that big a deal.  I could have handled it.  And it's none of your damn business."  She said as she put her shorts on over her bikini bottoms.  She pulled her tank top on and slid on her sandals.

 

"Maybe not to you.  But I refuse to let anyone do things you don't want them too.  Not like that.  Not when I'm here.  And I STILL want you to talk to me.  You can yell and scream at me all you want.  But there is NO WAY, I'm letting ANYONE do that."  He said to her forcefully.

 

"You can't just do things like that!"  Julie said taking a deep breath and closing her eyes.  "Harry, I'm not your concern.  Who I kiss or see is none of your business.  I'm sorry, if it hurts you, but it's just not.  You wanted this, so you have to let me go.  Just stop."

 

"I won't."  This time he took her hands gently.  "I won't, because I know I fucked up.  I know I made a mistake letting you go.  I won't stop trying to get you to see that."  He looked down in her eyes.  "And I won't let any man take advantage of you.  Not even myself.  I want you to see that I've realized what I've done.  Back in September leaving you before your birthday, and when I tried to forget you with Kendall."

 

"Don't fucking say her name in my presence."  Julie said through clenched teeth.  She forcefully shook her hands so they came from his.  "How dare you?"  She grabbed her bag.  She wasn't going home with Daniel, and she wasn't going to listen to Harry.  Fuck everyone!

 

Harry shook his head, but he couldn't help but smile.  Anger at least was an emotion.  He needed her to start feeling something before he could get through to her.  He wouldn't give up.  Nope, not this time.  He would slowly try to get her to come around.  But he knew one thing.  Doctor Dickhead better get it through his thick head to stay away from her.


	15. Chapter 15

Julie walked into Niall's house and went straight to her room.  She was angry and frustrated.  Everyone kept pushing her.  Pushing her to talk, pushing her to open up, pushing her to commit to something.  Just pushing, pushing, pushing.  Couldn't they see that she didn't want to be pushed?  Couldn't they see she didn't want to talk, or bring anything up from the past?  How hard was it?  She threw her bag on the chair in her room and grabbed her pj's for a shower.  She was going to shower, get some extremely bad-for-you snacks, and then lay in bed and watch some bad tv until she slept.  What the hell was going on in her life?  Why would no one listen to her?  So what if she was closed off or went back to hiding things.  It's how she wanted it right now.  She threw her clothes she'd worn to the beach in the hamper and went and took a long, hot shower.  Maybe she would try to write tonight before she slept too.  She hadn't written in a while.  She had been busy with Amanda and Niall's party and things just seem to be going so quickly.  And today at the beach, between Daniel not getting the hint and Harry thinking he could control everything, she was wound up.

 

She got out of the shower and went to the kitchen.  She grabbed a bowl of black raspberry ice cream, the only kind there should be, and covered it with whipped cream.  She grabbed a spoon and a bottle of water and started back to her room when the door opened to Amanda and Niall coming in.  Damn it.  She wanted to be locked in her room before they got back.  She stopped and looked at Amanda when she said her name.  "Hey, I was just going to binge eat in my room for the night.  I won't be in your way.  I didn't expect you back so soon."

 

"Yeah, wasn't very much fun after you left.  For a couple of reasons."  Amanda said.  "JJ," she wanted to say 'let's talk', but she figured that would be a sure way to close JJ right back up.  "Can I come binge eat and watch movies with you?"  She looked at Niall, and he nodded.  He went and gave JJ a kiss on the cheek and then went to their room to shower.  "C'mon.  Let me shower and then let me chill with you.  It's been awhile."

 

Julie raised her eyebrows at Amanda.  "Fine, Panda, but just know you won't get all the answers you're searching for."

 

"Oh, yeah, I know that."  Amanda said.  She was hoping for some though.  "Just let me shower quick."  She ran to the bedroom and into the bathroom.  "Niall, hurry up, before JJ changes her mind.  I want to be able to talk to her."

 

Niall got out of the shower and wrapped a towel around him.  "She had a rough day today, I suggest you don't push her too much, babe.  I know she shouldn't be holding things in so much, but since she is."

 

"Yeah, yeah, I know.  She will just pull back further."  Amanda got into the shower and cleaned up faster than she probably ever had.  She needed to talk to JJ about Daniel and Harry.  She was JJ's best friend.  She would get something out of JJ no matter what.  She got out and towel dried her hair, threw on her pajamas, and headed to the kitchen.  She grabbed more ice cream for JJ and some for herself.  She also grabbed some M&Ms and some popcorn.  JJ had this weird habit of mixing the two when they watched movies.  Even at the movie theater.  She got to JJ's room and knocked on the door with her foot.  "My hands are full; can you let me in?"  She called out.  She smiled when JJ opened the door.  "I got all the best snacks."

 

Julie couldn't help but laugh at Amanda standing there with two bowls of ice cream, a bag of popcorn, and a large bag of M&M's.  She knew Amanda well enough to know that she expected to talk to her in detail about what had happened today.  Not only with Daniel, but Harry.  And maybe she needed to talk to someone.  She'd hidden back behind her wall.  She'd fought her feelings, because it was just too hard to deal with, and she didn't want to deal with it.  She had never really dealt with losing Harry either.  After the first couple of weeks, she'd just pretended it no longer mattered.  She was pretty sure she hadn't fooled anyone but herself, but it was something she felt she needed to do to survive.  "Well, I can't turn you away when you come holding snacks like that.  No Niall?  I'm surprised he isn't here, too.  He's seemed pretty into the girl talk recently."  She took her bowl of ice cream and the M&M's from Amanda.  She threw the bag on M&M's on the bed and sat down.  "Um, more ice cream?  I'm pretty sure my curves don't need anymore."  She took a bite.

 

"Yeah, yeah.  It's your favorite.  I know you'll eat it.  It's just one night.  Enjoy."  Amanda sat on the other side of the bed.  "He will just hit me up for the details later.  But I won't tell him anything you don't want me to.  I know you're worried about that."

 

"It's not that, Panda.  It's just, so much.  Ever since we met Niall, and especially since I met Harry, things have gone so fast, and then they just crashed to a halt.  I was just starting to figure things out when they all changed on me again."  Julie said stirring her ice cream around.

 

"I know they did.  No one was expecting Harry to break up with you.  Especially me.  He seemed to get you so well and then not at all.  But JJ, he wasn't all you had."  Amanda said trying to keep the hurt out of her voice.

 

Julie sighed.  She knew eventually it would get here.  Eventually Amanda would be hurt at the way she'd pulled back.  The way she sort of kept everyone at a distance.  "I know.  But, I felt like he's the only one..."  She stopped and shook her head.  "I don't know how to explain it.  I know you've been there for me longer than he had been.  But it was different.  Maybe I counted on him being too understanding.  I just felt like he was the one that I could really be myself with and work through things with, and I would never have to worry about him leaving because I wasn't doing exactly what he wanted."  She took a bite of ice cream slowly.  God, she didn't want to talk about this.  She didn't want to admit that she'd let him break her so much.  That she wasn't strong enough to just move on without him.

 

"JJ."  Amanda said setting her bowl down and turning towards her.  "I know it's different.  I know that you could have never given your heart to me the way you gave it to Harry."  She took JJ's bowl and set it aside also and then took JJ's hands.  "I get you love him.  But I wouldn't leave you.  Not because you're not with him, not because of Niall, not because of anything.  I'm not going to lie to you; you pulling back after the two of you broke up hurt me a lot.  I wanted to be there for you, I wanted to be the one to comfort you through a break up.  But instead of dealing with it like that, you've decided against dealing with your feelings, your emotions.  You know that's not good for you.  Talk to me.  It's been four months, but we can still deal with it."

 

"I don't want to."  Julie said.  She lifted her tear-filled eyes to Amanda.  "I don't want it to keep hurting.  I don't want to think about Harry Styles ever again.  I just wish he could leave me alone.  I've tried.  I've tried to just accept him as a part of Niall's life and of your life, but I can't.  Every time I see him, I can't take it.  And now, he's taken to wanting to talk to me.  To wanting to figure things out.  To saying he's made a mistake.  I don't want that.  Not again.  I want to stay away from it, all of it."

 

"He said he made a mistake?  He said he wants to talk?  Figure it out?  JJ, that's good.  You love him; why wouldn't you?"  Amanda looked her.  This girl.  Geez.  Why wouldn't someone so obviously in love with a man not at least talk to him?  She watched JJ's face.  Of course, this wasn't just someone.  This was complex JJ.

 

"It doesn't change anything."  Julie pulled her hands from Amanda's and wiped her eyes.  "I fucking hate this!  Talking to him changes nothing.  He did what he did and that's it.  Whether or not he understood, or you or anyone, I wanted to do this writing thing on my own.  And I TOLD him that I would tell him what was going on soon.  I TOLD him, that it wasn't anything to do with anyone else.  He CHOSE not to believe me.  He made it into an end of the world scenario.  Once again assuming I was doing whatever, with whomever.  I TOLD him I didn't want anything to do with a break up, and yet he still thought it was best.  AND he had the audacity to tell me he thought it was best for both of us!  Who does he think he is?!"  She got up off the bed.  Fucking pain!

 

Amanda stayed sitting on the bed.  She needed to remain calm and relaxed.  She didn't want JJ to get too worked up.  She wanted JJ to know that she was there, with no judgement.  "He, was scared.  JJ, he's not always as confident as he seems.  Especially when it comes to you and his feelings for you.  He didn't want to admit just how much he needed you.  How much he wanted you."

 

"That makes NO FUCKING SENSE!!"  Julie said throwing her hands in the air and looking at Amanda.  "I'm sorry, but it doesn't.  I was telling him I wanted him.  I was telling him I wanted to be with him.  It wasn't fucking opposite day.  There was ONE thing I was doing on my own that caused me to leave half a day early and arrive half a day late.  That's it.  And maybe it caused me to miss a phone call or two.  But I always called him back.  I'm sorry, but my life was becoming MINE again.  It was something I wanted to do.  And maybe I was going a little overboard with keeping it to myself.  Maybe.  But, it was mine.  It was mine to decide, and I didn't want anyone to know.  That doesn't mean I didn't want anyone in my life."

 

"I know that, now."  Amanda looked up at JJ.  "JJ, we didn't know what you were hiding.  And yes, maybe we could have listened and been a bit more patient.  Especially Harry, since he jumped the hardest.  But how were we to know what it was?  All of a sudden you were hiding things from us again."

 

"No!"  Julie spun and looked at Amanda.  "Not like before.  I ASKED for time.  I explained it was something I just wanted to do on my own, and I would tell EVERYONE once I got through it.  Don't turn it all on me that none of you could believe me!"

 

"Fair enough.  You did ask.  Alright."  Amanda stood up.  "You're right.  We could've just took your word for it."

 

"See, you shouldn't do that though.  Don't put yourself in the same place as Harry.  Because you didn't decide to throw me away just because I wasn't telling you exactly what was going on.  You may not have liked it, but you didn't just up and say screw you just because I was."  Julie said taking her hands away when Amanda went to take them again.  "No, you didn't.  And he did.  No way someone who swears they love me would just say 'fuck you' when things weren't exactly how he wanted them."

 

"That's not how it was, JJ.  There's more to it than that."  Amanda said sighing as JJ started closing off again.  "It wasn't just that."

 

"What else could it have been??"  Julie said.  She wanted to keep from getting angry.  She didn't want to be angry.  Or hurt.   But come on.  He used whatever he could to break up with her.  There was no other reason.

 

"His insecurities."  Amanda said.  "I'm not saying it was right.  Not at all.  I don't even know exactly what happened when you broke up.  You haven't told me everything, and neither has he.  But from what you have told me and the little I've talked to him, I think there's more to it than that.  There had to be.  I can't believe he was just that unreasonable because of one thing."

 

"Then you tell me what it is.  Or what it was.  Because I still have no idea.  I don't know what else he wanted me to do.  Everyone was SO big on, 'You need to heal.  You need to do it for yourself.'  But as soon as I did.  As soon as I decided to do things for myself, then I lost.  I let him talk me into being with him in the first place when I didn't want to be.  I let myself fall in love with him so quickly, before I even knew how to live myself.  And he kept telling me how he'd always be there, that I didn't need to worry.  But he was lying."  Julie said.  She looked at Amanda.  She had never let herself feel like this since Harry told her they needed a break.

 

Amanda couldn't take the look in JJ's eyes.  She looked so bereft.  So lost.  "JJ.  I don't think he was lying.  I don't think it was that.  Maybe you need to talk to him."  She put her hands up when she saw the look in JJ's eyes change from sadness to anger.  "JJ, it's the only way you're going to be able to figure it out.  I'm not even saying you have to forgive him.  You just need to talk to him."

 

"Talk to him?"  Julie asked exasperated.  "So, what?  I just fall back into the same damn pattern?  Letting some man fool me into believing whatever he wants me to believe?  Only to find out in the end it's so far from the truth?"

 

"Not fair.  Not fair at all."  Amanda said to JJ sternly.  "You cannot lump Harry in with Johnny.  You know I'm not a fan of what Harry did.  I'm not happy that he broke up with you without a seemingly good reason, but he is NOT Johnny.  He would NEVER treat you like Johnny."

 

"No, you're right."  Julie said sitting on the end of the bed defeated.  "It was so much worse."  She started to cry.  And not a normal cry.  A literal sob.  An ugly cry.  One that no one wants to see or hear.  "He made me love him, and then he broke me.  So, it's worse.  At least Johnny never pretended to care or love me.  Harry hurt me worse than I've ever been hurt before because he made me believe that love existed. He made me believe that there was someone out there who actually cared about me, and about my dreams.  And then he pulled it right out from underneath me.  He was worse.  So much worse."

 

Amanda was starting to cry.  She'd waited months for JJ to show her any of this.  But it was worse than she'd thought.  Not only was JJ holding everything in, she wasn't dealing with any of her pain.  She was hurt so much worse than even Amanda realized.  "JJ, you can't think like that.  Harry wasn't faking his feelings for you.  How could you doubt them?"  She knelt in front of JJ and put her hands on JJ's knees.  "He loved you. Hell, I still believe he loves you."

 

"No, he doesn't.  He couldn't.  But I still fucking love him, and it's the worst feeling in the world to not be able to stop.  I want to hate him.  I want to hate him badly; but no matter what I do, I just can't.  I can't hate him, because I can't fucking stop loving him.  And now he won't leave.  He won't just stay away."  Julie wiped at her face roughly.  "It was so much easier at first.  When he wasn't around, at least it didn't have to keep hurting.  Now I can't get it to stop.  Now my heart feels like it's breaking every day again.  And I hate ALL of it."

 

"I know you do."  Amanda squeezed her knees.  "I know you hate it. I know you were just getting used to being able to feel and then things went wrong.  I even knew you'd pull into your shell once it happened.  But I hate that.  I want you to deal with it.  You can't get over the hurt, you can't get over the pain, and you can't even get over Harry if you don't feel it."  She didn't believe for a second JJ truly wanted to get over Harry.  But Amanda knew that's what JJ was trying to talk herself into.

 

"Hurting sucks."  Julie said sniffling and trying to calm her sobs.  "I wish I never would have started feeling.  I wish I would have just gone with my first instincts and fought all of it."

 

"I get why you would say that now.  But you and Harry had some great times together.  You guys gave each other a lot."  Amanda said standing up and sitting next to JJ on the bed.  She put her arm around JJ's shoulders and had JJ lay her head on her shoulder.

 

"I told him he gave me some light in an otherwise grey world.  I told him that I would always be grateful for that.  And I will.  But that doesn't mean I want to remember any of it.  It hurts too much."  Julie picked her head up.  She couldn't do this.  She scooted back onto her pillow and picked up her bowl of almost melted ice cream.  She stirred it around and took a bite.

 

"Why must you always do that?  You were opening up.  Why must you just shut right down like that, like a snap of my fingers?"  Amanda asked going around and sitting against the pillow on the other side of the bed.  She picked up her bowl and took a bite.  "Just talk to me, let me help sort it out."

 

"There's nothing to sort out.  I thought we were going to watch a movie and eat bad snacks.  And I thought I said you weren't going to get all the answers you wanted."  Julie picked up the remote and turned on Netflix.  She scrolled through the new releases and chose a comedy.

 

"Yeah, well we were at least getting somewhere.  And now nothing.  What about Daniel?  You brought him to the beach today.  I mean hell I saw him kiss you."  Amanda looked over at JJ.

 

"Yes, you did."  Julie looked at Amanda.  "And you saw what happened after."

 

"Yeah, but did you like it?  Are you going to see him again?  Besides at work?"  Amanda pressed.

 

"I don't know."  Julie admitted.  "He's a nice guy, and he's always been great to me.  He's sweet, he's smart, he's charming, and he his good looking."

 

"But he's pretty forward."  Amanda added.

 

"Yes, he's persistent.  He's now determined to wear me down.  But I'm not ready.  I wasn't ready for Zayn, I'm not ready for Daniel, and I'm not ready to deal with Harry."  Julie said finishing her ice cream.

 

"What ever happened with Zayn?"  Amanda knew she was pushing, but she had gotten more answers than she thought she would, so she thought she would continue until she got no more.

 

"Nothing really."  Julie said picking up the bag of M&Ms and putting them into the popcorn.  It was better when the popcorn was hot, but it would do for now.

 

"JJ."  Amanda couldn't help but chuckle.  "Come on."

 

"We kissed, briefly.  Once.  That's it.  Stupid me couldn't quite get past the fact that it would hurt Harry too much to find out I was with Zayn."  She looked at Amanda.  "Ok, well, it happened after I passed out in his hotel room bed."

 

"What?!?!"  Amanda's eyes widened.  "So, that's a little bit more than just a brief kiss, isn't it?"

 

"No."  Julie shook her head.  "We went back to his room for a few drinks after I had finished with the demos.  He was in the studio with the producers who recorded my songs when they found out JoJo wanted to sing them.  You guys were in Ireland.I was alone.  More alone than I even realized, so he offered to celebrate with me, and I went.  There were a ton of people there.  I was drunk, he told me to stay, I passed out, and he took me to bed.  After I woke up, he told me nothing happened, but it could.  That he wouldn't stop it, and he kissed me.  Briefly.  I told him I couldn't, gave him a peck back, and I left.  I haven't seen him since, and he now has a supermodel girlfriend.  I never stood a chance.  Just like I never stood a chance with Harry because of his complete infatuation with Kendall.  So, now I decide about Daniel.  And I'm not sure I even want that right now.  I think I'm just fine on my own."

 

Yep, JJ was done for the night.  Amanda wasn't going to push or argue.  That was JJ's way of letting her know that it was over for the night.  "Well, we shall talk about that later.  The movie is starting, so kindly be quiet so I can watch."

 

"I hate you."  Julie said.  She leaned her head on Amanda's shoulder.  "Thank you, Panda.  I know it's been hard for you since I've been so off, but thank you for never leaving."

 

"I won't ever, JJ."  She leaned her head on JJ's.  "I won't ever.  And I'm sleeping in here tonight.  No arguing."

 

"I wouldn't dare."  Julie said.  She was grateful.  Even though she shut off and didn't go into as much as she probably needed to, opening that up was tough.  She didn't want to think about it all.  She would sleep much better having Amanda in bed with her.  Amanda knew her better than anyone.  She was lucky.  Very lucky to have Amanda.  Julie felt that she didn't deserve her right now.  Not the way she kept pushing Amanda away, but she was super lucky, super happy to have her.  They sat in silence and watched the movie.  Julie finally felt like she could relax.  At least a little.  Even if it was just for the night, she welcomed it.


	16. Chapter 16

The next afternoon, Julie walked out of to the living room when she heard Niall playing his guitar.Amanda was attending a medical conference and would be gone until the evening.Julie loved when Niall sat and strummed on his guitar.She found it calming and motivating.She stood and listened for a while clutching her newest notebook in her arms.She smiled when he looked up."Hey, sorry to interrupt."She said as she walked towards him and sat down on the couch closest to the chair he was in.

 

"No, you're not an interruption."He looked at her holding her notebook."How are you?"He thought he'd ask about the notebook, but he wanted to feel her out first.Amanda had told him that Julie had opened up to her a bit last night, and he was hoping that didn't make her pull back further.

 

"I'm ok."She shook her head at him."How are you?"She set the notebook down on her lap.

 

"I'm good."He laughed."Are we going to ask about the weather next?"

 

"Yeah, sorry.I just, I heard you playing, and I was wondering.I mean, you don't have to, but I was just wondering if maybe you would help me with something?"Julie asked nervously.She had no idea why she was so nervous.It was Niall for crying out loud.Niall, who was her strongest supporter.This should be easy, but yet somehow it wasn't.

 

"Sure, what's up?"Niall put his guitar down on the floor and watched her rub her hands slowly over the top of the notebook.He was hoping she was going to open up that notebook for him.He was almost salivating to see what Julie had written in there. He never took his eyes from her hands.

 

"I've been writing these lyrics.I've got a lot of it, but I think if I had a bit more of a melody than the one running around in my head, it might help.I thought maybe you could help?With melody, and maybe helping finish the story."She could feel her cheeks turning red.Wow, she was something else.She had no idea why she was still so shy and protective when it came to this.People already knew. They 'd already heard some of her songs, but she still felt this struggle to share this part of her.

 

Niall smiled and watched JJ.The blush crept into her cheeks, and she kept her eyes on her hands which were still on top of the notebook, resting on her knees."I would love to help.In fact, it would be an honor."

 

Julie giggled nervously."Ok, you don't have to act like it's that big of a deal."

 

"But it is.I've been waiting for this.For you to come to me."Niall said.

 

"Yeah, sorry.Apparently, my decision-making hasn't been on point lately."She sighed and stood up."Maybe this isn't a good idea."

 

"Sit down, JJ."Niall said laughing."It's me, remember? You know I support your choices, even if I don't always agree with them.Come on, what you got?"

 

Julie sat back down and took a deep breath."I don't know why this is so hard.These lyrics, well, I imagine you know what they are about.Oh, geez, here."She said opening the notebook and thrust it toward Niall."Wait, do you want to hear how I've sort of heard it in my head?Is that how I should do things?"

 

"Calm down."Niall laughed."Ok, if you have an idea, let's hear it. Then we can work with it.It will come, and when it's right, you'll know."

 

Julie took a deep breath."Ok, but remember, I'm no singer."She looked at her notebook and gathered the rough melody she had running through her brain, and then started to sing the first part of her newly written lyrics:

 

Another shot of whiskey please bartender

Keep it coming til I don't remember at all (no, no, no, no)

How bad it hurts when you're gone

Turn the music up a little bit louder

Gotta get past the midnight hour uh huh

Maybe tomorrow it won't be this hard

 

She stopped for a minute."That's the first verse.And then I thought that the chorus could go something like this."She took another deep breath and concentrated on the lyrics and the sound.

 

Who am I kidding

I know what I'm missing

Oh, I had my heart set on you

But nothing else hurts like you do

Who knew that love was so cruel (yeah, yeah, yeah)

And I waited and waited so long

For someone who'll never come home

It's my fault to think you'd be true (yeah, yeah)

I'm just a fool (yeah)

 

Niall looked at her long and hard when she was done.Well, this was unexpected.Well, maybe not, writing always was best when it was personal.But these words showed a bit more insight into JJ's frame of mind.She felt like a fool. Niall took a moment to digest that thought. He picked up his guitar and started picking chords and humming while he thought. "That's great JJ."He knew better than to push anything other than working on the song right now.He knew if he tried to get the full meaning behind her words, she would just walk away.But he could be patient.He would get more from her this way."That's good, JJ.Why don't we try it like this?Can I see the words?"When she set the notebook in front of him, he thought back to the melody she had.He tweaked it a little and started playing and singing the chorus."No, wait."He said.He strummed a few more times, flipped it up a little, and then started singing it again.

 

"You're amazing."Julie's eyes widened as Niall strummed the guitar and picked up so quickly what she'd been trying to do for days.She started singing the chorus along with him.They ran through it a couple of times, and before she knew it, she had her melody."I don't know how you do that."She said looking at Niall.

 

"Please, I'm happy to have helped.It's beautiful JJ."Niall said.He picked the guitar a few times and started to get the verse melody down.

 

"You know, I think, this could be a duet.What do you think?"She looked at Niall.

 

"Yeah, I think it could work.Maybe have a male part for the next verse."He looked at JJ.He had an idea.But she wasn't going to like it."Let's record the first part, just on my phone.Then I can work on it.What do you think?"

 

"I can't sing with you, Niall."Julie said shaking her head.

 

"Yes, you can.It's just a rough version.Come on, I've already heard you."He set up his phone to record."Really, JJ, we're just two people writing together."

 

"Right, and you know everything my words mean.What it's all about.It's more than a little intimidating."Julie could hear the sharpness in her own voice.

 

"Yes, maybe, but that's not always a bad thing.Especially when it comes to writing and getting it right."Niall was trying to play it cool and strummed a few chords on his guitar."Come on, JJ.Let's just do this.I'm going to play the melody through, and then the second time, we'll record it, ok?"He played the song through once and then looked at JJ."Alright, you ready?"He pushed record on the phone and started to play again.He nodded for JJ to start the first verse.He stopped after a couple of lines."You have to be louder than that, JJ."He started the guitar again.This time he smiled and nodded as she sang it with a little more volume and a little more confidence.

 

Julie looked at Niall when she'd finished the first chorus.She covered her face with her hands and giggled."I'm so embarrassed."

 

"You shouldn't be."He said."I have some ideas for a second verse, especially if you want it to be a duet.But I need to make a phone call.You going to be here for a while?"He asked.

 

"Yeah, I'll work on a few other things while you're off doing what you gotta do."Julie said as she curled up in the corner of the couch and opened up her notebook.She had a few ideas she had been working on for the next verse. But now that Niall had gotten her thinking about the song as a duet, she thought she should change it up.This was something new for her.A new challenge.A new distraction.She loved that.She started jotting down some words to get started.Time to get lost in the moment, in the writing.The melody of the song playing in her head.It was different to have a melody before all the words.Before Niall's help, she'd written all of the words and the sound came after.This was nice change.She found herself humming along as she started writing some more words.

 

Niall went to his room and sat on the bed.He had an idea, but he wasn't sure if he should or not.He picked up his second phone.He probably shouldn't.This could get him in quite a bit of trouble if JJ ever found out, but he knew who would be perfect to help with this song.He decided to just do it.He scrolled through until he came to Harry's name and pushed send.Guess he would deal with the aftermath later.

 

Harry looked at his phone when it started ringing.He had just gotten out of the shower after a few hours in the gym.He sat down on his bed as he answered."Hey, Niall.What's up, man?"

 

"Hey, I have a favor to ask.Do you have a few minutes?"Niall asked.Oh, he was going to catch so much hell for this if JJ ever found out.

 

"Yeah, sure.What's going on?"Harry asked leaning back on one hand.

 

"I want you to listen to something.I want your opinion."Niall said.He wasn't going to tell him it was for JJ, but it wouldn't take him long to figure it out."Can I play you something?It's on my other phone so it might not be as clear as I want, but I'd like you to hear it right away."

 

"Yeah, sure, let's see how it goes.Are you writing something new?"Harry asked.Niall was a talented bloke.Harry knew anything he wrote would be great.

 

"Sort of.Just listen, ok?"Niall said, and when Harry agreed, he put the phones next to each other and pushed play.He listened closely again to JJ's lyrics too.He really wanted to help her make this song as great as it could be.Why not let the person behind JJ's pain feel it out with him? Niall's lips twisted at the thought.

 

Harry put the phone on speaker and listened.He heard the intro and then was caught off guard when he heard a slightly timid voice.It took him a second to put it together, but it was her.Definitely Julie.The words always became more important when he realized who wrote them.He closed his eyes when he was once again overwhelmed at the feeling in them.Of what they said.After Niall turned the second phone off, he had to shake himself out of it."Huh?What did you say, Niall?"

 

"Well, I can tell you know who wrote those words.We've been working on it today.She thinks it would be great as a duet.And, of course, I could help her come up with the second verse.But honestly, I think you're the right person to do it."Niall said."Only you could come up with what needs to be said next."

 

"Niall, she would never go for this.Are you sneaking?"Harry asked.He already had words playing around in his head.Things that he would say hearing that first verse.But he knew that Julie would never ask for his help.Not in a million years right now."Look, I'm glad she's coming to someone for help, but I know that she wouldn't ask for mine.So, what are you trying to do here?"

 

"You want to help her, right?Then help her, Harry.I will deal with the downfall later."Niall countered.

 

"It's your funeral."Harry said."Play it again."When the song began, he closed his eyes.He listened closely.Somehow, it all made it so much more real imagining watching her say those personal words.When the chorus ended, he continued with the words that were running through his head.He heard nothing on the other end of the line.He knew Niall was listening to him.This was such an unconventional way of working on a song, but he found himself feeling deeply into it anyway."Alright Niall, send me the file and give me a couple of minutes, and I will send you a verse.But it's on you when she finds out it was me."He hung up the phone and grabbed his journal.When he got the file from Niall, he listened to it over and over.He wrote down a few lines he thought would be perfect and sent it over to Niall.He was happy to help Julie with her song. It made him feel closer to her, part of her life again.Even after he was done, he listened to the file over and over.He lay back on his bed and placed his arm over his eyes.Her pain ran a lot deeper than he'd realized.He was completely wrong when he'd made the assessment that she didn't care. God, how dense could he have been?Apparently, she cared a lot more than he'd realized.What had he done?He felt himself struggling, his muscles tensing. And more importantly, what was he going to do?

 

Niall walked back out to the front room and sat down.He smiled when JJ didn't even notice that he'd returned.She was so immersed in her notebook and still humming the tune.He watched her for a few minutes and then cleared his throat."Hey, you still with me?"

 

"Oh."Julie laughed."How long you been there?That was a long phone call."

 

"Yeah, sorry.Had to do some things.But I also think I got a great verse for the male part of the duet.You want to hear it?"Niall picked up his guitar."I wrote it in the notes on my phone."It wasn't a complete lie.It was saved on his phone.He just wouldn't tell her yet that Harry wrote it.He thought Harry's lyrics fit well with JJ's.He had been correct when he'd determined Harry would be the perfect person for this job."Ok, so the chorus ends and then a bit of a break and then the second verse."He sang the last little bit of the chorus just so it flowed and then continued into the verse.

 

I say that I don't care and walk away, whatever

And I tell myself that we're bad together (Uh, huh)

But that's just me trying to move on without you

 

But who am I kidding?

I know what I'm missing

 

He then sang through the chorus she had written again.  After that he continued with a few more lines:

 

For holding onto something that's

Never ever gonna come back

I can't accept that it's lost

 

Niall looked up when right after he finished the last word, JJ picked up without hesitation.

 

I should've let it go

Held my tongue

Kept my big mouth shut

'Cause now everything is just wrong, wrong wrong

 

I'm just a fool

A fool for you

I'm just a fool

 

They sang the chorus together one more time and then just sort of looked at each other.Neither knowing what to say. When they heard clapping, they turned to see Amanda standing behind the couch in tears.

 

"You guys, that's amazing."Amanda said coming around and giving Niall a kiss before settling down next to JJ."I think I've waited for you two to do this since I heard JJ's song for the first time at our party."

 

Julie once again put her hands over her face."Oh, my god. How long have you been standing there?"

 

"Long enough.But I want to hear the whole thing.Can I hear it all?Can you both do it for me?Please?"Amanda knew Niall would be game, but she knew JJ would be embarrassed."Come on, JJ. It's just the three of us."

 

"Fine, once, all the way through, and then that's it for today."Julie grimaced.She was embarrassed, but it also felt pretty good that Amanda wanted to hear it so badly.She didn't accept ego boosts very often, but this sure felt like one.

 

Niall nodded, but he wasn't going to let it be just the three of them."I'm going to record it again.The whole thing, so we can have it to fine tune later, if we need to."He texted Harry while Amanda was begging JJ to sing it and told him was going to call, but not to say anything when he answered.He connected the line and then used his second phone to record the song.He was going to be in SO much trouble when JJ found out about this, but he knew he was right.Harry was perfect for this, and it turned the song into what it should be.He started playing his guitar and let JJ begin the first verse of the song.Niall thought Harry would sound great doing this duet, and he really hoped at some point he would be able to get him to do it.He sang the male parts for now and finished it up with JJ.He was impressed with the simplicity, but also with how it could be manipulated if a stronger voice sang it.Like JoJo.He put his guitar down and looked at the girls.Amanda was in tears, and JJ was staring down at her hands.He couldn't help but smile.His girls.He laughed at the thought and then moved to sit between them.He wrapped an arm around each of their shoulders."I think it's great.And sitting here after doing this.Feels perfect."

 

Harry listened to Niall and Julie sing the song.The words she sang, and then Niall singing the words he had written, and he realized that the song had come together perfectly lyrically.He could almost hear the additional music he thought would sound amazing with the song.He was so lost in thought he jumped when his doorbell rang and automatically swore.He'd forgotten he had ordered food.

 

Julie looked over at Niall's phone when she heard the doorbell and then a muffled curse word."Niall?What's going on?"She got up off the couch and stepped towards Niall's phone.She looked at the screen before she was nudged out of the way by Niall grabbing his phone."Niall!What did you do?!"

 

"JJ, just, listen."He said as he pulled his phone away from her.Oh shit, he was in SO much trouble.Damn it. Why hadn't he disconnected the call before he went and sat between the girls.

 

"Listen to what?Why your phone was on and connected to Harry?!"Julie said crossing her arms."You too, Niall? Really?"

 

Well, he was already in a ton of trouble, so might as well get it over and done with."Look, JJ, I called him when I was in my room.I had him listen to the song, and I had him help with the lyrics."He cringed when he saw tears drop from JJ's eyes onto her cheeks."Oh, come on, don't cry.Be mad, but don't cry."He was prepared for anger, not for tears.

 

"You too, Niall?I honestly expected more from you."Julie said grabbing her notebook."I didn't expect you to turn on me, too.I expected you to understand.I came to you for help, and instead of helping me, you went straight to Harry."She shook her head, tears streaming down her face, shoulders beginning to shake."And you guys keep wondering why I never come to you for anything."She couldn't get to the safety of her room fast enough.Well, Niall had just ruined that song for her.It was so personal to her, and she'd wanted his help.  And he had gone straight to Harry.

 

"I told you this wouldn't go over well, Niall."Harry's voice came from the phone.

 

"Niall."Amanda looked over at him askance.

 

"Yeah, so you warned me, Harry."Niall said into the speaker and then looked at Amanda, feeling rather chagrinned."C'mon Amanda, like you wouldn't have done the same thing."

 

"Yeah, I probably would have, but it's SO not you.She trusted you, probably more than she trusted me.She would have expected me to get involved with her and Harry.Not you."Amanda said.She walked to JJ's door and knocked.She didn't get an answer, and it was locked.She wasn't surprised.JJ wouldn't have expected Niall to intervene in Harry's and her issues.She sighed.One step forward, two steps back, and these steps were way back, Amanda thought.She wondered how this would go, as she went to her room to shower.

 

"Well, fuck."Niall said."I knew that you were the right person, that this would be best for the song.Which in the end would be best for JJ."

 

"She's not ready."Harry found himself saying running his hand through his hair."I can tell by the lyrics in that song.She feels like a fool for loving me.A fool for believing I could love her." He swallowed hard. " I've got to take this slow.I was wrong with how I thought she felt.And it's going to take a lot for her to be able to forgive that."Harry sighed."I'm glad I could help, and what's done is done.I guess we just have to wait and see how it goes from here." He realized his shoulders were tensed up around his ears and tried to relax."I'm sorry, Niall.I hope she doesn't give you too hard of a time.The song sounds amazing.I have some ideas for it.I just hope in the end she lets me help."Harry talked to Niall a couple more minutes and then hung up.He felt bad, and he knew Julie was feeling betrayed by Niall – and for that matter, by him again.Maybe he should have told Niall he couldn't help unless Julie asked.She trusted Niall.She counted on him a lot.This would feel like another slap in the face.He needed to think, and he needed to think hard, about how he was going to get through to her.At least so they could talk and start down a path towards mending the wounds.He still wished he could see that damn notebook, or notebooks, he would probably understand a lot more, he would probably know how to go about this better.He sat down and ate his dinner.Well, the song was great.He hoped Julie realized it.He looked at his phone when he heard it go off.Niall sent him the full version.He played it multiple times over dinner.Yeah, he had lots of ideas.

 

Once again I cannot take credit for the lyrics written in this chapter.  It is another song by Christina Aguilera and Blake Shelton but it fits perfectly. You really should go check out her Lotus album it's incredible.


	17. Chapter 17

Niall walked into the bedroom and saw Amanda changing.Amanda turned away from him stiffly."Come on, Amanda.You can't seriously be angry with me."

 

"What is that supposed to mean?Of course, I'm angry with you."Amanda said turning around to face Niall, hands on hips."Niall, this was the first time since Harry broke up with her that JJ came to any of us for help with anything.And the first thing that you do is go to the person she has been trying to avoid."

 

"Look, I already feel guilty enough.I don't need you to be mad too."He said sitting down on the bed.

 

"Good.You should feel guilty.Look, I get it.I do, trust me.You have no idea how bad I wish those two would talk.But it's you who has shown me, Niall, that if she's not ready, then she's not.And that she needs more patience than anyone.And then you're the one who calls Harry first thing."Amanda said shaking her head."You fucked up, babe.And I'm trying to figure out how I can do damage control when she's not going to even let me in."

 

Niall closed his eyes."Fuck.Amanda.I just knew he would be the one to make that song perfect for her."

 

"Yeah, of course, but you had to know it wouldn't go well.Niall, I know you did."She crossed her arms."Are you going to tell me you didn't?"

 

"No, I did.Honestly, I was prepared for her to be angry about it, not react like she did."He admitted.

 

"Well, dear, you should have gone with the 'she's going to be pissed so I shouldn't do it' thing."Amanda said walking out of the bedroom.

 

Niall groaned and lay back on the bed.He'd really done it.He'd really stepped right in it.Shit.What the hell was he going to do about it now?How could he apologize and actually make her believe it?He still believed that for the song Harry was the best decision, but maybe for JJ herself, it wasn't.She was still so complicated.He always believed she wasn't as complicated as everyone made her out to be, but she was.She was complex.Now, he had to fix it too.

 

Amanda was walking towards JJ's room when JJ came walking out.She stopped and looked at her.JJ had on a short tight black dress, high heels, hair up, and make up on.Not a typical night for her."Um, are you going somewhere?"

 

"Yes, I'm going out.I'm not in the mood to sit around here tonight."She shut her door and walked towards the door.

 

"Where, JJ?And with whom?"Amanda asked walking with her."Let me come?"

 

Julie turned around and looked at her."I'm fine, really.Yeah, I'm angry, I'm hurt, but I'm just done, too.I'm going out with Daniel.I'll be fine.Don't wait up."She opened the door, but before she went out she looked at Amanda."I know it's not your fault.And I'm sorry if it seems I'm taking it out on you.But honestly, right now, I don't want to deal with any of this.I'm just going to go out for the night.I will talk to you soon."She walked out and closed the door.

 

Amanda took a deep breath.Damn it, Niall.She had to reassess this.She had gotten JJ to open up last night, and now Amanda was afraid that JJ was even going to go further to the extreme of avoiding everyone.She didn't want JJ to move out.She was already planning on asking her to stay.JJ needed someone around.JJ needed to know she was accepted for who she was.Niall had taught her that by his unwavering support and belief in JJ.And now, NOW, Niall screwed up. Amanda sighed deeply. She needed to remember that Niall's heart was always in the right place, but maybe he should have used his brain instead of his heart this time.

 

Julie took Daniel's arm as he offered it when they were walking into the club.She'd made a rash decision in calling him and asking him to take her out right away.She wanted to avoid thinking about Niall and his actions.She felt betrayed.Julie knew that she counted on Niall for a lot.A lot of support and a lot of sanity.Niall just seemed to have a way of making her believe that no matter what her decision was that he would just support her.His going behind her back just felt like the biggest betrayal out there.She shook her head a little when she heard Daniel."Sorry, yeah, it's been a rough day.I'd like a drink, thank you.I'll have a white wine sangria please."She walked over to the bar with him.Tonight felt like the perfect night to have some drinks.A lot of drinks.

 

"So, I'm glad to have you here.What made you change your mind about going out with me?"Daniel asked leaning against the bar, glancing at her sideways. He leaned a little into her touching her shoulder to shoulder. God, she looked hot in that dress.

 

"Honestly, it's been a rough day.Let's just have fun and not worry about what happened.Let's just be glad it did."Julie said taking a big drink."I honestly just prefer not to talk about any of it.We don't need to get to know everything about each other tonight."

 

Daniel nodded."Yeah, ok.I can do fun.Let's go dance."He grabbed her hand, set both their drinks on the table and spun her onto the dance floor.He liked this girl.There was something about her.Mystery that surrounded her.She was beautiful and smart.She was one of the first people at the hospital to befriend him, yet he seemed to know the least about her personally.He'd observed more at the engagement party than he'd ever gotten out of her at work.He was intrigued.He was surprised when she'd called him tonight though.She'd turned him down so many times.Always citing that she wasn't ready to date yet after her last relationship.He wanted to know what changed.But he wouldn't push it.She didn't seem like the kind of girl that wanted to give a lot of answers.He watched her body move to the music.He could keep it casual for now.His eyes perused up and down her body. Damn, she was sexy as hell.

 

Julie picked her hair up off her neck.They had danced for a while, and she'd had quite a few drinks already.Alcohol always made her warm, and her skin was gleaming under the low light.She grabbed Daniel's arm and pulled him towards the bar."I need another drink.Do they sell frozen drinks?Like strawberry daiquiris?I think I want one of those."

 

Daniel smiled.She was talking a lot more.The alcohol was loosening her up."Yes, I will get you one."He sat her at the table and went to the bar.When he came back to the table Julie was fanning herself."Warm, beautiful?"

 

"Yes, alcohol makes me hot."She took a big drink and then put the cold glass up to her neck.

 

"You having a good time?"He asked pulling his chair closer to hers.

 

"Yes, thank you."She smiled and put her hand on his knee.She reached over and kissed his cheek."I am thankful you were able to bring me out tonight."

 

"Anytime I'm not working.I've told you that.I mean it.I'd love to take you out more often."Daniel said smiling at her.He reached up and moved a piece of hair that was stuck to her cheek behind her ear.

 

"One night at a time."She said to him.She got up with him when he pulled her by the hand back to the dance floor.For a doctor he sure liked to dance.She stepped closer and danced tightly to him when his arm wrapped tightly around her waist.She was having a good time.And he was really good on the dance floor.She couldn't believe she was seemingly having a good time.The alcohol was starting to hit her pretty hard though.She was getting just a bit unsteady.

 

Daniel watched her closely.She'd had a decent amount to drink.Not anything he thought was too excessive.She did seem a bit tipsy though, so he walked her back to the table.He sat down and pulled her onto his lap."Feeling it, huh?"

 

"Yeah, I may be feeling pretty good right now."She wrapped her arm around his shoulder and looked out at the dance floor.She turned to look at him when she felt a hand on the side of her neck.His lips found hers, and she pulled back slightly at first when they did.He pulled her back to his lips and kissed her harder and deeper.

 

Daniel looked at her after he finally broke the kiss.Damn, he'd waited a long time to kiss her like that."Let's get out of here.Back to my place?"

 

Julie looked at him.She'd allowed the kiss.She wanted to.Hell, she wanted to like it, love it even.It wasn't a bad kiss, really, it's just...it wasn't what she was used to feeling when she'd been kissed like that."I don't think that's a good idea."She said standing up."But you probably should take me back to Amanda's."

 

"Oh, come on.It's been a great night."He wrapped his arms tightly around her waist and kissed her again."JJ, come on."He implored as she pulled away from him.

 

"No, Daniel.Please, just take me home."She said.She couldn't deny it anymore.Harry was never going to get out of her way when it came to other men.At least not anytime soon. She'd tried just to forget him.She'd tried to move past him.Hell, now she was even trying to use another man to get over him.It wasn't working. Harry still ran through her system.She stumbled a little as she went to walk away from Daniel.

 

"Come on, I'll take you to my place."He said leading her towards the door.

 

"Look, I get what you want.I'm just telling you it's not what I want."She said shaking her head.

 

"You don't know what you want, do you?"He turned and looked down at her."Why did you even call me?"

 

"I thought you could take me out, and I thought we could have a bit of fun.But I didn't think you would push going back to your place if I didn't want to."She said looking up at him.

 

"Maybe you need to figure out what you want.I'm ready now."He said adamantly holding his arm out towards the door.

 

"Yeah, I'll find my own way home.Thanks."She said turning away.

 

"What is wrong with you?Seriously?It's like you like to lead me on.Give me just enough interest to keep me guessing, yet never really giving in completely.You think I'm playing games, but it's really you."He turned and walked out of the club.Maybe mysterious wasn't what she was.Maybe she was just a tease.

 

Julie stood staring at the door.She'd just gotten left in a club in downtown LA.By herself.She really didn't think through things too well.She shouldn't have called Daniel.Was she really leading him on?By giving him false hope?Julie had thought she'd been clear that she didn't really want anything deep, but was she keeping him around just to have that feeling of knowing someone wanted her?"Fuck."She said.She grabbed her phone.Normally, she would call Amanda and Niall, but she couldn't.Not tonight.Now what?She looked through her phone and made a decision.When the call connected she took a deep breath."Louis?I'm sorry to bother you.I need a favor."

 

"JJ?"Louis said.What was she calling him for?And what favor could she need now?He was hanging out with Harry, so he knew Harry wasn't bothering her."What's going on?"He looked over at Harry who had focused in on him as soon as he said JJ's name.

 

"I went out with Daniel tonight.Had a little too much to drink at Club Exchange, he wanted me to go back to his place, but I told him no.He called me a tease and then left me.You saved me from Harry when he was drunk.I was just wondering if you could save me again?"She said to him.She hated doing this, but she was starting to feel the alcohol more now that she had stepped into the fresh air.

 

"JJ.I'm with Freddie."He looked at Harry."Harry's here.I'm going to send him."

 

"Like hell.I'd rather walk."She said immediately.

 

"Shut up.JJ, listen.He's coming to get you."He muted the phone and told Harry briefly and quickly what was going on.He watched Harry get up without a word and leave.He unmuted the phone."Love, you need to stay put.He's coming to get you.No matter how angry you are at him right now, you know he would do anything to make sure you were safe.I'd come, but I have Freddie here, and I can't.Do it for me, please.Don't be so stubborn right now.I need a break."

 

Julie sighed."Damn it, Louis."

 

"Yeah, yeah.Damn me all you want.Now talk to me until Harry gets there.I'll be pissed off if you don't.I want to make sure you get your drunk ass into that car."He said.He didn't know why, but he was the only one that didn't sugar coat things with JJ.Ever.From that night in Vegas after the initial Johnny fiasco, he'd always told her what he thought.And she'd always taken his forthrightness better than he first thought she would.She was stronger than anyone made her out to be.Except Niall. Harry had filled him in on Niall's antics with the song too.That was a disaster.But someone needed to get through to her.Especially now that she was going out, getting drunk with guys and getting left at clubs.

 

"Louis, you could have just said no.I didn't think Harry'd be there with you, or I wouldn't have called you."She said tiredly, leaning against the wall outside.

 

"Well, no shit."Louis said rolling his eyes."Of course, you wouldn't have.But he was here, and you did call; now just let him get you and take you home."He was hoping Harry would get there quickly.He could hear her slurring her words a little.She just needed to get home safely.He didn't know how her decision making would be affected by all of the alcohol.

 

Julie pushed herself off the wall when Harry's car pulled up.She walked towards the curb."He's here.You don't have to babysit me anymore to make sure I don't leave."

 

"Let me talk to Harry, JJ."Louis said.

 

"No, why would you need to?I'm a fucking adult, Louis."She said missing the door handle when she first tried to open it.

 

"No, shit, JJ."Louis rolled his eyes again."You're also the most fucking pigheaded woman I know.Let me talk to him."

 

"Whatever."Julie said as she watched Harry open her door.He had gotten out and come round to open it for her.She pushed the phone into his chest."He wants to talk to you."She felt a hand on her elbow as Harry helped her into the car.

 

"Hey, Louis."Harry said into the phone."Yeah I got her.Yeah, she's drunk.Yeah, I'll get her home to Niall's."He walked around the car and hung up the phone.He handed it back to Julie as he got in the car.Harry watched her put it in her bag and then struggle to buckle her seatbelt.He wanted to help, but he knew better."Are you ok?"

 

"Yeah, fine."She said.She looked out the window.She was prepared for him to push.She looked over at him a few minutes later when he hadn't said anything else.She was shocked.She looked back out the window.After a couple of more minutes, she couldn't keep her drunk mouth shut anymore."Why can't you just go away?Why can't you just not be everywhere all the time?Why can't I forget you?"

 

Harry took a deep breath."Julie, I'm just trying help.Earlier with the song, and now I just want to make sure you get home ok."

 

"I didn't ask for your help either time."She huffed.She felt the pain build back up in her heart.The alcohol didn't erase it for long.

 

"I know you didn't.I warned Niall that you wouldn't want my help.That you wouldn't accept it.But it's great, Julie."Harry said quietly."Those words...."

 

"Yeah, I know."Julie said quietly."You weren't supposed to hear them.I didn't want you to know that I knew what I was missing."

 

He looked over at her profile while she was still looking out her window.She looked so sad.He made a decision.He turned the car away from Niall's and headed in another direction."I'm taking you home with me."

 

"What?No, you're not."She looked over at him quickly."You're taking me home to Niall's."

 

"No, I'm not.You can stay in the spare room.I know you too well.I know how much you're going to struggle being there with Niall and Amanda.I also know that Niall will do anything to apologize to you, and Amanda will want to know what happened tonight.Especially if I'm bringing you home.And I know you won't want anything to do with any of that."

 

She stared at him.She couldn't argue.She blamed it on the alcohol.She couldn't think fast enough to come up with a good argument.Fuck.He was right."I hate you."She said as she looked back out the window.

 

"Yeah, I know."He said looking back at the road.He knew exactly what that meant.He was right.He didn't say anything to her the rest of the way home.He wasn't going to push her, but he was going to continue to show her that he knew her.He was going to let it go naturally.He would be around.She would get used to him being around, but he was going to let their love take over.If it brought them back together, great, and if not, at least he knew he gave it an honest shot.He pulled into his garage and helped her out of the car and into the house.

 

When they walked in, Julie looked around.It had been a long time since she'd had been here.Almost a year.She hadn't been here since they went back on tour in June of last year.It still looked the same.She bent down to take her shoes off.The heels were killing her.She felt a hand on her elbow again when she stumbled.Damn it.He was anticipating it."Thanks."She said.

 

"You're welcome.I'm going to grab you something to sleep in.Just don't shut the door when you go to the room so I can bring it to you, ok?"He picked up her shoes for her and handed them to her.He watched her walk towards the spare room slightly unsteady as he went to his room.He grabbed a pair of shorts and a t-shirt for her and walked into the spare room as she left the door open and set them on the bed.He watched her taking the bobby pins out of her hair to let it down."Can I get anything else for you? Glass of water?"

 

She turned around and looked at him.She shook her head."I'm ok.Thank you."She didn't know what else to say.Part of her didn't want to be here at all.Part of her didn't want to go home.She was drunk too, so she couldn't make a decision.

 

"Alright.Do you remember where everything is?In case you need something in the middle of the night?"He asked.He caught her again as she stumbled when she came to pick up the clothes.He looked down at her.Searching her eyes."Are you sure you're ok?"

 

"Yeah."She looked up at him and felt his hand go to her cheek.He brushed some hair off of it, and she couldn't help but close her eyes.The physical things she felt with him would never go away.Every touch reminded her why Daniel's kiss didn't feel like anything.

 

"I want to stay.Just know that."He said to her as he stepped back from her.

 

"It would just be sex, Harry."She said.Good sex.But that's all it would be.

 

"Not to me, Julie."He said turning back and looking at her.

 

"Yes, it would, and if it can be, then you can stay."Her drunk mind wouldn't mind the physical feeling he always gave her right now.

 

He walked back up her and looked her square in the eyes."No.The next time we're together like that.And trust me, I want there to be a next time, will be when you give me a chance to show you that we can be together again."

 

She shook her head and rolled her eyes."Fine.Forget it then.Just go."He'd turned her down.Seriously.Whatever. "You'll be waiting forever then."She grabbed the clothes and went towards the bathroom.

 

He chuckled."Yeah, I know."He shut the door quietly as he walked out.He shook his head as he went to his room.That attitude.He needed to thank Louis for being busy.He needed some time with her, and she'd barely given him any trouble coming here.He hoped she didn't escape in the morning before he had a chance to talk to her again.When she wasn't drunk. He climbed into bed.It had been so hard to turn her down.There wouldn't be a time he didn't want her that way.But he knew if it happened now, it would push her even further away.Nope.She would agree to give him a chance first.What a noble guy he was turning into.He laughed and turned the lamp off."Goodnight, Julie."He said out loud as he closed his eyes.


	18. Chapter 18

Harry walked in the front door with coffee and some breakfast pastries.  He couldn't sleep, and he figured Julie would at least need some coffee when she woke up after the night she'd had.  He'd checked before he left that she was still sleeping.  Part of him thought that she would run as soon as she wasn't so drunk.  When he peaked in the door, he saw the lump snuggled under the covers and figured it would be safe to run out for a bit.  He also had a bag from the small shop down the street from his favorite coffee shop.  He knew she would need some clothes to wear.  He didn't figure she'd want to go home in his shorts and t-shirt, and she probably wasn't looking to put that dress back on.  Although, she did look damn hot in it.  He set the coffee and pastries on the counter and saw her closing the fridge.  When she turned, she had a bottle of water in her hands.  "Hey, how are you feeling?"  He laughed at the look she gave him.  "That good, huh?"  He motioned towards the coffee.  "I got your favorite.  Cinnamon.  And a few pastries.  Oh, and I got you some jeans and a shirt, socks and new trainers."

 

Julie shook her head at him.  She went and grabbed her coffee and then the bag of clothes.  "I will send you some cash for the clothes.  I don't want to wear that dress home."

 

"You know I don't want your cash."  He called after her as she went into the bedroom.  After about 20 minutes, she came out in the outfit he'd gotten for her.  He smiled when everything fit her perfectly, and she came out make up free with her hair in a ponytail.  It's how he liked her.  He would never forget.  "Well, look at you."

 

"Yeah, they fit great.  Thanks.  I don't have enough cash on me though. I forgot who was doing the shopping."  She set the bag down.  She had put her dress and heels in the bag.  She took a drink of coffee.  "My phone's dead.  Can I use yours to call for a ride?"

 

"I will give you a ride.  But, do you think we could talk for a few minutes first?"  He asked turning from his seat on the couch to look at her.  "Please?"

 

Julie took a deep breath and let it out slowly.  "You know I'd prefer not to, right?"

 

"Of course, I do."  He kept his voice low and steady.  "Just a few minutes, please?"  He watched her pick at her lip and then turn towards him.  His eyes widened.She was actually going to stay and talk to him.  He wasn't quite sure what to think now.  He honestly hadn't thought she would agree.  He stood up quickly.  "Let me get my charger, so you can charge your phone."  He noticed when he'd spoken to Louis last night that she had an iPhone similar to his.  That was a change.  He grabbed the charger from his room and plugged it in next to the chair she sat in.  He plugged in her phone for her and set it on the table next to her.

 

"Thanks."  She took another drink of her coffee.  "Look, I do appreciate you coming for me last night.  It was not a situation I expected to be in.  You didn't have to."

 

"I wanted to, and trust me, I want to say more about Dr. Dick....er...Dr. Daniel, but I won't.  He's lucky he wasn't still there when I got there though."  He couldn't imagine treating a woman like that, even if he didn't like or agree with her.

 

Julie couldn't help but chuckle a little.  "Yeah, well, get in line.  He's not my favorite person right now either."  She raised her eyes and looked at Harry.  "What do you want to talk about?  I'd prefer to get this over with."

 

"I want you to know how sorry I am."  He started.  "How sorry I am for jumping to conclusions, for doubting you.  For being a dick and thinking I was right, even though I didn't really know what I was right about."

 

Julie rubbed her face with her hand.  "Harry, it happened five months ago.  We fought about it then.  What more could we possibly need to go over?  I never agreed with your reasons.  I'm pretty sure I made that perfectly clear.  I'm pretty sure that I told you that you were wrong."  She got up and started pacing.  "I don't want to do this."

 

"I know you did.  But it didn't stop me from worrying.  From wondering.  You changed.  So fast."  He said watching her pace.  She stopped abruptly, and he saw her jaw clench.  Shit.

 

"We aren't going to do this again, are we?  Five fucking months, Harry.  And it's still the same shit.  Yes, I know I changed.  You knew I changed, too.  That's what YOU wanted.  Or so you said.  But as soon as I did, then all of a sudden in YOUR head, I didn't want you anymore."  She shook her head.  "Damn it, Harry.  I don't want to just fight over the same damn thing again.  I changed.  I HAD to."

 

"Yeah, I know, but not like that.  You pulled away.  You say you didn't, but you did.  You hid things.  Yes, I jumped to conclusions to what it was, but how was I supposed to know, if you wouldn't tell me?"  He asked.  He didn't want to fight with her either, but he needed to get her to hear him.

 

"Because I asked you to trust me.  I asked you for some time.  I told you that I would let you know when I was ready."  She turned towards him.  She crossed her arms tightly over her chest like it was the only thing that was keeping her from falling completely apart.  "But you couldn't do that."

 

"That's ALL you kept saying.  But when?  You just kept saying it."  He said to her.

 

"You act like I was hiding things from you for years.  I kept ONE THING to myself.  JUST ONE.  It's ALL I EVER kept to myself.  And I EXPLAINED to you over the holidays, LONG before any of this went down that it was the ONE thing that I could hold onto!"  She took a deep breath when she felt her voice start to rise.

 

"You, just...."  He couldn't think of the right way to put it.  Anything he said was just going to make him sound selfish.  "After everything we had been through, after everything we had gotten through together, you just bottled right up.  I didn't know what you were hiding."

 

"So, you just jump to the very worst conclusion?  One where you just HAVE to break up with me?"  She finally looked him directly in the eyes.  "Yeah, because that makes COMPLETE sense to me when you swear you love someone."

 

"You could have just TOLD me."  He said.  "You could have been straight with me.  There was no reason to hide it.  All you would have had to do is just ASK me to let you pursue it on your own."

 

"Really???  You're seriously saying that???  Because I ASKED YOU to give me some time.  I ASKED you to just be patient and that I would TELL you.  And you couldn't do that, but I'm supposed to believe that if told you what it was, and I ASKED you to stay out of it, you just would have???"  She shook her head.  "Bullshit.  That's crap, and you know it."

 

He stood up.  "How do you know?!  You never gave me that chance, did you?"

 

"And you NEVER gave me the chance to tell you when I was ready!!  YOU never trusted ME!"  They stood there staring at each other.  They would never get anywhere.  She didn't want to do this anymore.  "Can't we just agree to disagree and forget this???  We just keep going around and around.  And honestly, I don't trust you.  Not anymore."

 

"Apparently, you never did, because you let strangers read your writings before you let me."  He walked away from her.  He was starting to get angry.  And this was not how he'd wanted the conversation to go.

 

"Crap."  She said watching him walk away.  When he started to protest, she continued.  "You keep coming up with crap, so you don't have to admit that you never trusted me.  You keep saying I didn't trust you, but I told you EVERYTHING.  EVERY little detail about my past.  About getting beat and berated every day I was with Johnny.  About how he could have killed me.  You knew every fear I had.  You pushed me to be with you from the start even though my first instinct was to run like hell from you."  She wiped the tear that fell onto her cheek.  She didn't want to fucking cry.  She wanted to tell him everything she hadn't been able to say in that hotel room five months ago.  "You convinced me that love actually existed.  You convinced me that if I let you in, if I gave you myself, that you wouldn't hurt me.  But you know what?  You hurt me worse than Johnny ever did.  You brought down my wall, the ONLY thing holding me together, and promised me that you would protect me.  But instead, you were worse than anyone else."  She couldn't stop the tears any more; she couldn't stop the pain or the emotion.  "You built me up, and made me believe, and then you knocked me down.  Johnny may have broken me, but you, you shattered me."  She gave up fighting the tears.  "I didn't want to admit it.  I was stronger.  I was growing.  And MAYBE I took being independent a little too far, but if you could have just given me time to figure it out."  She took shaky breaths trying to calm her tears and her emotion.

 

Harry turned and looked at her.  His eyes were glistening, and seeing her in so much pain was making it worse.  "You're right.  But you're also wrong.  I was having a hard time trusting, but it wasn't you.  I didn't trust myself.  Or my feelings."  He stepped towards her and sighed when she stepped backwards.  "I wasn't exactly secure myself, Julie."

 

Julie couldn't handle the confrontation.  She wanted to just leave.  She just wanted to forget this.  What happened when they broke up, talking to him now.  She didn't want to delve anymore into her fucked up head.  "Can we just, stop?  Can we just move on?"  She stepped behind the chair and put her hands on the back of it.

 

"Can you?  Have you?"  He stepped in front of the chair and looked over it at her.  "Has that worked well for you?"

 

"Fuck you, Harry."  She clenched her teeth.  She wanted to scream at him.  "If you would just leave me alone, maybe I'd have a chance in hell."

 

"Now who's talking crap?"  He sighed.  "Julie, I need you to step out of your stubborn hole and listen to me.  I was scared.  I was scared I loved you too much.  I was afraid of that.  I wasn't looking to fall in love, or to be so serious.  And I jumped in.  Head first.  Completely.  And when you reciprocated those feelings, it became so serious and so fast.  And then, you confronted everything holding you back.  And you became a different person.  You were right about one thing.  I didn't know what to do when you didn't need me anymore and when I realized I needed you more than you needed me."

 

"That's NOT true.  I've told you that from the start of this fucking break up."  She needed to calm down.  She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.  "Harry, I never needed you more.  I needed your understanding, I needed your patience, and I needed to know you would be there for me no matter what was happening.  But most of all, I needed to know that I could accomplish something on my own."

 

"But you had me.  Why would you need to do ANYTHING on your own?"  He kneeled on the chair and put his hands over hers which were still on the back of the chair.  "I wanted to be there for you.  Why couldn't you let me?"  He sighed when she slipped her hands out from under his.

 

"Because.  It doesn't matter why, I didn't think I should.  I felt I NEEDED to do it on my own.  It's no secret I'm stubborn as hell.  It's no secret that I'm complex and confusing.  You act like it's a surprise."  She sniffled and wiped her cheeks again.  "It shouldn't be a surprise to you."

 

"It's not."  He turned and sat in the chair.  "You keep thinking of you and what you needed.  And I get that.  You were never selfish, and maybe you needed to be.  But you couldn't see that I was falling apart myself.  You couldn't see that I couldn't admit to myself that I needed you as much as I did."  Harry felt a shudder run through him and slumped his shoulders.

 

Julie stopped in her tracks.  Hearing that confession, hit her in the gut.  It felt like she had been punched so hard that she'd lost her breath.  Her mind went back to that time.  To what he was trying to say to her.  Was he right?  Was she so focused on herself and how her life was changing that she'd completely forgotten to think about him?  "You're right."  She took the few steps back towards him and sat on the arm of the couch.  "You're right.  I couldn't see anything other than trying to figure out what the hell I was doing.  I just kept thinking that if I told you, then you would get involved, and you would use your name, and I wouldn't get anything because of my talent, but because Harry Styles says I should.  I completely immersed myself in doing it on my own. I didn't see how it could affect you."

 

He looked over at her.  Did she seriously just admit he was right?  Holy fuck.  "You and my feelings for you, both of them came out of nowhere.  Those feelings were a hell of a lot deeper than I was prepared for.  And then I thought you were becoming so strong that you wouldn't need me anymore.  And if you didn't need me, why would you put up with the insanity that was my life?  You hated that public aspect of it, but you needed me.  Then, all of a sudden, you didn't anymore.  I was terrified you were going to leave, and I wasn't prepared on how to deal with it."

 

"You were so scared that I was going to leave that you just decided to make me?  You need to explain that one to me."  She said.

 

"I figured if I was the one who did it, if I was the one who ended it, I was trying to rationalize it."  He stood up and walked up to her.  "I was so insecure.  I was so scared."  He stopped a few feet in front of her.  "You fucked me up.  And that scared me."

 

She ran her hand over her forehead.  She'd never seen it.  She'd never thought she could have that much affect on him.  Her eyes stayed on the floor.  She couldn't look at him.  Her head was going a million miles an hour.  "I'm more fucked up than even I realized."  She was so caught up in her own struggles, in her own fears, in trying to figure out how to live with her new strength, that she never saw how she was affecting him.

 

"I'm not blaming you, Julie.  I'm just trying to get you to see my side, just a little."  He was trying not to cry.  He had his hands clasped in front of him.  Her whole demeanor changed.  She was starting to realize things that she never had before.  "I couldn't believe that YOU could love ME that much.  Everything was so complicated just because I am who I am.  You hated that attention.  I was so scared."  He took in a sharp breath when he felt her hands on top of his.  He lifted his eyes to her and then fell on his knees in front of her.

 

When Harry fell to his knees in front of her, Julie felt the tears begin to fall onto her cheeks again.  "I'm sorry.  I should have realized.  I should have listened harder."  She rested her forehead on the top of his head.  They both should have done things differently.  She had spent so much time blaming him completely that she'd never looked to herself and what she did.  "I shouldn't have hidden it from you so completely.  No matter how I felt about doing something on my own."

 

"And I should have been more patient.  I should have trusted that you would tell me.  I didn't have to push you away so hard.  I did exactly what I'd been telling you not to do the entire time we were together."  He wiped his cheeks with his hands quickly.  "I'm sorry, Julie.  You have no idea how sorry."

 

"We both made mistakes.  Apparently, many."  She helped him get to his feet.  "And now we've both realized that it wasn't just one person's fault.  Guess we needed that."  She stood off the arm of the couch.  "Thing is, it doesn't really change anything."

 

"What do you mean?  It changes a lot, doesn't it?"  He looked at her dumbfounded.

 

"No, it really doesn't.  The only thing it changes is that now I'm not only angry at you, I'm angry at myself."  She walked to her phone.  It was charged enough.

 

"Yeah, I should have known this wouldn't be that easy."  He sighed.  "So, you want me to take you home now, right?"

 

"I still don't trust you, Harry.  I understand, more, where you were coming from.  But I still don't understand how you could just end it, with no warning.  You still hurt me more than anyone, ever, you accused me of fucking Zayn, not only after you broke up with me, but you accused me of being with him while we were together, so that proves that you never trusted me and then after all of that, you still went off and got with Kendall out of spite."  She shrugged and shook her head at him.  "I can't just forget that.  Admit it, or not, this goes a lot deeper than me not telling you about writing songs.  We may have a bit more understanding of some of it, but it doesn't make the rest of it go away."

 

"I guess not."  He sighed again.  "Fuck.  Julie."

 

"Things for us weren't as perfect as we wanted them to be.  We worked so hard on my past and on my fear of Johnny and of me breaking down completely, that we never realized we were hurting each other."  She turned and looked at him.  "We have things to think about, Harry.  Both of us.  And maybe we can talk again.  We can't fix everything in one conversation.  I don't know if we can ever fix it.  I don't know how to open myself up to anyone again.  Especially you."

 

"Because you don't trust me."  He licked his lips and thought about what to say next.  "There's nothing I can say is there?"

 

She shook her head.  "I'm sorry.  I do understand more.  I do get that I should have seen what you were going through and that I wasn't the only one struggling.  I will admit that.  But the rest, Harry, I can't get past.  I gave everything I could to you."

 

"And I threw it all away.  I broke your trust."  He closed his eyes.

 

"You broke my heart."  She said grabbing her bag.  "I'd like to go home now, please.  If you don't want to take me I can call a cab or get an Uber."

 

"No, I'll take you."  He grabbed his keys and walked her out to the car.  The whole drive was silent.  He wanted to say something a handful of times, but he never did.  He pulled into Niall's driveway and got out when she did.

 

"Harry, you don't have to walk me to the door."  She said to him.

 

"I know, but I'm going to."  He watched her unlock the door and then step inside.  He followed her in.  "Julie?"

 

She turned and looked at him.  She did understand more.  She did feel bad for not realizing she maybe needed to help him deal with some of his own issues, but she still didn't know what to do.  She was still hurt, and angry, and felt like staying away from the deepness of the feelings she had.  "Hmm?"

 

"Thank you, for giving me a chance to explain."  He watched her reaction closely.

 

"I probably should have before."  She set the bag down on the couch and walked back up to him.  She grabbed a pen from the table next to the door and then took his hand.  She wrote her number on it.  "Call me, in a few days.  Just, give me some time, please."

 

He stared at the number written on his hand.  Did she seriously take that step?  He nodded.  "Of course.  A few days. For sure."

 

Julie went and picked up the bag from the couch and once again stopped and turned towards him.  "Oh, and Harry, Happy Birthday.  Hope you have a great night."  She turned and walked to her room.

 

Harry smiled.  He'd barely remembered it was his birthday.  He had been so caught up in everything happening this morning, it didn't seem to matter.  "Thank you."  He called out after her.

 

Amanda stopped in the middle of the living room when she saw Harry.  She saw Julie's door shut and then looked back at him.  "What's going on?"

 

"I will let her explain.  Let's just say that Dr. Dickhead better hope I never run into him ever again.  And we talked.  It's a start.  A small start, and I have no idea how this will turn out.  But there was progress.  She just wished me a Happy Birthday too."  He smiled but kept the fact that he'd gotten her number from her.  He wanted to hold onto that for himself right now.  "I'll see you later, Amanda."  He said.

 

"See you tonight.  Happy Birthday, Harry."  Amanda said.  What the hell was going on?

 

"Thanks."  Harry said as he walked out the door, shutting it behind him.

 

Amanda stood there for a while trying to figure out what the hell was happening.  JJ left to go out with Daniel yesterday, and Harry brought her home today.  Oh, she needed to get answers now.  This was best friend time.  JJ better not mess with her this time.  She had better be prepared to share.  She turned and went towards JJ's room.  It was time to talk.

 

Thank you all so much for reading! It means so much to me!  Please feel free to leave any feedback! It really means a lot!!!!


	19. Chapter 19

Amanda knocked softly on JJ's door and then opened it slowly.  She saw JJ sitting on her bed checking her phone.  "Hey, can we talk?"

 

"Yeah, sure."  Julie said.  She put her phone on her charger and turned towards Amanda.

 

Amanda sat the end of the bed and laughed.  "Yeah, sorry, not sure where to start with this.  I was shocked when I saw Harry."

 

Julie nodded slowly.  "Well, it's quite the story.  If I thought things couldn't get more complicated before, I was wrong."

 

"That good, huh?"  Amanda asked.  JJ looked drained.  Like she had just gone through a traumatic experience.  "What the hell happened, JJ?  You left to go meet Daniel, and you end up back here the next morning with Harry?  In new clothes? Harry tells me you talked to him and you wished him a Happy Birthday?  I mean what the hell have I missed in the past like 12 hours?"

 

"Oh, it's a long story."  Julie took a deep breath.  "I don't know what to do anymore.  I went to Club Exchange with Daniel.  I thought I was having a good time, and he kissed me.  I thought I wanted him to.  It was a decent kiss.  But it wasn't overwhelming."

 

"You mean like when you kiss Harry?"  Amanda interrupted.

 

"Do you want to hear this story or not?"  Julie glared at Amanda.

 

Amanda laughed.  "Yes, sorry.  I will keep the comments to a minimum until you're done."

 

"He seemed to enjoy it quite a lot.  He wanted to take me back to his place.  I was drunk.  But I still knew what I was doing. I told him I didn't want to, that I just wanted him to bring me back here.  He didn't like that answer, so I told him I could find my own way home.He called me a tease and left.  I was alone in downtown LA, and I figured I'd fucked up.  I called Louis, and Harry was hanging out with him.  Louis was taking care of Freddie, so he sent Harry to get me.  You know Louis.  He just told me to shut up and stay.  Harry came, and he was bringing me here, when he all of a sudden just turned away and told me he was taking me to his house.  He said he knew I couldn't handle Niall trying to apologize and that I didn't want any questions.  I slept in the spare room.  He said he wanted to stay.I told him he could if it was just sex, but he wouldn't.  He said the next time we were together like that would be when I gave him another chance.  I told him he'd be waiting forever and went to bed."  Julie rapid fired the story.  She didn't even seem to take a breath as she was telling it.

 

"And this morning?"  Amanda encouraged.  She wanted the whole story before she dug any deeper into it.

 

"This morning, I woke up, and he had gotten me clothes to wear, coffee, and pastries.  He asked to talk, and for some reason, I agreed.  He came and got me out of an uncomfortable situation, so I guess I thought I could at least talk to him for a few minutes."  Julie described the conversation to Amanda.  "Then he brought me home.  I gave him my number and told him to call me in a few days and wished him a Happy Birthday."

 

Amanda nodded and was quiet for a few minutes after JJ stopped talking.  It was a lot to take in.  "Well, Harry said Daniel better hope he never sees him again, but oh, am I going to go off on him next time I see him."  Amanda started with that.  She was angry.  She never thought that would happen if JJ went out with him. Looked like Harry had been right to call him Dr. Dickhead, she mused.

 

"Is he right though?  Am I a tease?  Was I teasing him and leading him on?  Just to try and forget about everything else?  Was I using him as a distraction?  I'm starting to think I'm more of a horrible person than I ever thought."  Julie took a breath and looked at Amanda, confused.  "I'm starting to rethink a lot of things."

 

Amanda thought about it before she answered.  Her first instinct was to tell JJ of course not.  She wanted to protect JJ at all costs, but she wanted to be honest with her, too.  She wanted to help her figure things out now that her instinct of holding everything in and closing off had begun to wane.  "No, JJ.  I don't think you were being a tease.  I think what you were hoping for and what you actually wanted were two different things.  You wanted to go have fun with Daniel, you wanted to feel for someone else, so that you didn't have to think about Harry.  I'm guessing it backfired though.  Because you haven't dealt with your true feelings for Harry."

 

"I've spent so long blaming Harry and everyone else.  I never sat down and picked apart my actions.  I was so selfish.  So focused, on what I could do to be stronger and more self-sufficient.  So set on trying to figure out how to even live life without worrying about Johnny that I didn't see how it could possibly affect anyone else."  Julie couldn't even cry.  She felt so bad for the people in her life.  "I thought I was learning to be a better me, when I was just learning another way to keep people at a distance."Julie looked down, stunned at the thought.

 

"Ok, look.  Yes, you've struggled to include people in your life.  Everyone, and yes, I've wanted you to let me in more, even before you and Harry broke up.  But JJ, you've gone through a lot.  And you've had to learn a whole new way to survive."  Amanda took JJ's hands.  "It's been a struggle for all of us."

 

"But why couldn't I see it?  I couldn't see that Harry was struggling with his feelings.  I could see clear as day how he was struggling when Zayn left.  I could see his hurt, his fear of the unknown, the feeling of having no control.  So why couldn't I see that he felt I was pulling away from him?  I didn't see it.  Not once."  Julie said.  "Amanda, I feel so bad about that."

 

"Maybe you should have seen it, JJ.  I don't know.  But I'm guessing Harry wasn't real forthcoming in his fears either."  Amanda advised.

 

"No, but isn't that my fault, too?  Wasn't everyone so scared of my reactions and of my leaving that no one felt they could tell me anything they thought would set me off?"  Things were hitting Julie so hard right now.  Things she didn't see but should have.  She was working so hard on herself.  Trying so hard to figure things out that she couldn't see the struggles of those around her.  She knew she was stubborn, she knew she was a bit cold, but it was how she'd survived for all those years during and after Johnny.  It was all she knew how to do.  But was it just really her being selfish and not worrying about anyone else?  Was it her believing that Harry couldn't possibly have those kinds of struggles?

 

"No, look, everyone makes mistakes.  Everyone.  Nobody is perfect.  Stop being so hard on yourself.  What's that saying?  Hindsight is 20/20?"  Amanda didn't know what to say.  This was new.  She wasn't exactly sure how to deal with JJ being like this.

 

"Yeah, sure."  Julie rubbed her face.  "This is why I can't deal with this stuff."

 

"You can.  So, what does this mean for you and Harry?"  Amanda asked JJ, expecting to get the typical, 'I don't know' answer.

 

Julie shook her head and shrugged.  "Yeah, I don't know.  I mean, it changes my understanding a bit of the situation.  I get his being scared.  I get him trying to protect himself.  But I still don't understand a lot of it.  Why did he push so hard for the breakup? If he was afraid I was going to do it, but I swore I wasn't and that I didn't want it, why did he push it so hard?  And how did he distrust me so much?  He never trusted me.  Harry told me that he questioned my relationship with Zayn before he and I even got together.  From that night in the hotel after my clinicals.  So, is that saying he's never trusted me?  Never believed I had feelings for him?  Why would he fight me so much then?  Why would he want me to be with him if he never trusted me?  And then there's Kendall.  It feels like he goes back to her all the time.  I don't understand that.  He knew that she would hurt me even if we weren't together.  He knew that she would make me feel the way he apparently felt when he saw me with Zayn.  But the thing is I never slept with Zayn.  Not even when I could have."

 

"He thought you did."  Amanda put her hands up when JJ spun around quickly and looked at her.  "Whoa, I'm not saying he should have jumped to that conclusion.  But he did.  Remember, he wasn't feeling secure at all in his feelings."

 

"Remembering that is supposed to make it better?  Remembering him THINKING I not only got together with Zayn AFTER we broke up, but thinking I was fucking with Zayn the entire time we were together?"  Julie shook her head and blinked back the tears filling her eyes.  "That's supposed to make me feel better?"

 

"No."  Amanda thought about it.  It wouldn't make her feel better.

 

"I don't understand it though. He's Harry Styles.  He could have anyone he wants.  And I'm barely exaggerating about that, and he's worried about ME leaving him for someone else."  Julie rubbed her face again as she leaned back against her dresser.  "Why?"

 

"JJ, we all wonder that.  Why would Niall want me?"  Amanda leaned back on her hands on JJ's bed.

 

"Because you're wonderful, and beautiful, and smart, and the most loyal person I've ever met.  You're passionate and supportive and you build people up the way they need it most."  Julie said without missing a beat.  "I'm none of those things."

 

"Oh, shut up."  Amanda said shaking her head.  "You are too.  You just hide it.  Some of us can see through those smartass sarcastic remarks and actually know what you're saying.  Harry obviously saw quite a bit in you."

 

"Did he?  Or did he just see what he wanted to and then realized it's not how he really thought it was?"  This was becoming too confusing.  They fell in love fast.  Maybe it had been too fast.  Maybe it wasn't love like she thought.  Maybe that whole nine months had been just a joke.  But it couldn't have been.  Not the way it made her deal with her past.  A past she had been fighting and trying to forget instead of dealing with.  And she let herself go back to being exactly how she used to be; maybe even worse than how she used to be.  "It is so hard to deal with this, to understand any of this, for that matter."

 

"You've been angry for five months.  You've been angry at everything for five months.  You haven't dealt with any of it, JJ.  And maybe that sounds harsh, but it's the truth.  You went from locked in your room crying to locked inside your head.  Once you left your room, you've been pretending it didn't happen.  And for a while, it worked for you.  Harry wasn't around.  You never saw him.  You never had to deal with him. But as soon as he came around, you couldn't ignore it anymore, because he was standing right there.  Five months is a long time to push your feelings aside, but you'd done it longer before.  You know you can work through this. You just have to let yourself."  Amanda stood up and went over and leaned on the dresser next to JJ.  "You just have to decide to do it.  Whether it's with Harry or not is up to you.  It's just that you're finally seeing things outside of your box you put yourself in.  Don't go back in there.  Let's feel it out, together."

 

"Yeah, I'm kinda talked out right now.  Can we continue this some other time?"  Julie asked leaning her head on Amanda's shoulder.

 

"Yeah, as long as you promise me if you need to talk that you come to me."  Amanda said kissing JJ's head.

 

"Yeah, I will.  I told Harry we had things to think about, and I meant it.  I told him I needed a few days and that he should call me then."  Julie said standing herself up off the dresser.

 

"So that means I can't talk you into coming to his birthday party tonight?"  Amanda asked.

 

"Yeah, sorry.  I don't think that's a good idea.  I have some soul searching to do.  And we both know how good I am at that."  Julie said sitting back down on the bed.  "Plus, I'm tired.  Last night was rough.  I was drunk and passed out but not nearly long enough.  I've got to deal with so much.  Including Daniel and what I was doing with him.  I need to figure out if my intentions were to use him to forget Harry or if it was more than that.  I have to figure out everything.  Because everything I thought I knew, I really didn't know."

 

"JJ.  Don't drive yourself insane over this.  We can't all have the answers for everything.  You are who you are, and either we're going to love you for it or we don't deserve to have you in our lives.  And I love you.  I feel lucky to have you, even when you're stubborn and insecure."  Amanda went and hugged JJ one more time.  "I have to go get ready for the party.  Can you do me one more favor?  Can you think about not moving out right now?  I know you think you're in the way, but you're not.  And I like having you here.  And, I want to be here for you when you go through this; because I know you, and I know this is all a struggle for you."

 

"Yeah, ok.  I'll think about it."  Julie said laying back on her bed and picking up her phone.

 

"Yeah, your conversation with Harry really got to you.  That's the easiest agreement I've ever gotten from you.  So, I'm leaving before you start to argue."  Amanda blew a kiss at JJ and walked out shutting the door.  She walked into her room to change and ran into Niall finishing getting dressed.

 

"Hey."  Niall said to Amanda.  "JJ's home?"

 

"Yeah, Harry brought her home."  Amanda said going and grabbing the dress she was wearing out of the closet.

 

"Harry?  What?  I thought she was with that doctor guy."  Niall looked over at her confused as he was buttoning his shirt.

 

"She was; it's a long story.  Short version, Daniel wanted to take her back to his place, she didn't want to go, he ended up leaving her, she called Louis who had the baby, but Harry happened to be with Louis, Harry went and got her from the club and took her home with him and then after they talked he brought her home this morning."  Amanda said in a single breath slipping into her dress.

 

Niall stopped buttoning his shirt and stared at Amanda.  "Um, I think I need the long version.  That's a lot.  I need to go apologize to her, too."

 

"Yeah, I'd wait on that.  She's got a lot on her mind.  Just let her be for tonight.  You can apologize tomorrow.  And just so you know, I asked her to think about staying instead of moving out.  I don't want her to go.  I don't want her to live alone, especially now.  Especially now that she's questioning a lot of things about herself."  Amanda changed earrings and fixed her make up and hair.  She grabbed her shoes.

 

"Yeah, ok.  We can always figure out something to keep her a little more off on her own if she wants.  The house is big enough.  But she can stay as long as she wants."  He finished buttoning his shirt. 

 

As they drove to Harry's party Amanda filled him in, in more detail, about JJ's night.  "Yeah, that fucking doctor better hope he's never in any of our presence again."

 

"Yeah, yeah.  Such hard boys you guys are.  I think JJ can deal with him.  She's questioning herself, wondering if she was leading him on.  Let's let her figure it out."  Amanda said walking into the Malibu restaurant where they were celebrating Harry's birthday.

 

"I don't care."  Niall said.  "I don't care what she did, or didn't do. You don't leave a woman in a club alone in downtown LA.  You don't leave a woman anywhere.  I don't care what she said or how she came across."

 

Harry walked up as he heard Niall talking to Amanda.  "Talking about my favorite Dr. Dickhead?  Julie must have told Amanda, who told you?  Yeah, he better hope I never come across him again.  This time, I won't hold back.  I know how frustrating Julie can be, but I would never leave her anywhere alone.  No matter how angry I am at her."

 

"Thank you, Harry.  For getting her and making sure she was safe."  Amanda said hugging him and giving him a kiss on the cheek.  "And Happy Birthday."

 

"Thank you.  And anytime.  I mean that.  I'd never want anything to happen to her."  He smiled down at Amanda.  "How's she doing?"  He couldn't help but ask.  He wanted to know.  "It was a tough morning. I just want to make sure she's ok."

 

"She's struggling.  She's going through a lot of internal struggles right now.  But she'll get there.  You opened her eyes to things she didn't see before.  You know how she is.  She will take it to the extreme at first until she figures it out.  But there's time.  Enjoy your birthday, Harry."  She put her hand on his arm and then went with Niall to get a drink after Niall gave Harry a hug and told him Happy Birthday.

 

Harry didn't want Julie to blame herself too much.  Amanda was right ̶ she would take it too personally at first.  He pulled out his phone and texted her.  "Now you have my number, H."  It didn't say too much, but he wanted her to know he was thinking of her.  He smiled when a short time later he heard his phone beep.  "Yes, I do.  Happy Birthday, again. J."  Ok, so it was the simplest of things.  But it was a thing.  It was something.   And it was a hell of a lot more than they had 24 hours ago.  He put his phone in his pocket and went to mingle.  He wanted to say a lot more, but slow and steady wins the race.  Especially with someone like Julie.  He could be patient this time.  He needed to be.

 

Thank you all so much for reading! It means so much to me!  Please feel free to leave any feedback! It really means a lot!


	20. Chapter 20

Niall waited at the kitchen counter for Julie to come out for work the next evening.He'd waited long enough to apologize.She basically stayed in her room from the time Harry brought her home.He needed to talk to her.He'd heard she'd done a lot of talking so he wasn't hopeful he was going to get much out of her, but she didn't need to share as much with him as she did Amanda, or Harry for that matter.They were just as close but they had a different kind of relationship.At least up until now.He really should have thought harder about calling Harry when she had asked him for help.Amanda was right, she had finally come to someone and what did he do?He went against what he knew her wishes would be.He kept glancing at the clock.She was really cutting it close.Finally, he heard someone coming towards the kitchen and turned around."JJ?Can we talk for a minute?"

 

Julie stopped in her tracks.She didn't even notice Niall sitting there.She was searching in her bag for her keys.Which she had just found."For fucks sake, Niall.You scared the crap out of me.And no, I don't really want to talk."

 

"I know you don't really want too, but can we?"He asked shaking his head."Come on, you know damn well I want to apologize."

 

"Yeah, well, I may not be ready to accept it yet."She said going to the fridge for a bottle of water.Amanda was working with her tonight so she could stop for Starbucks on the way to work.She was looking forward to it.It was the little things.

 

"Yeah, gee, go figure."  Niall took a deep breath and let it out slowly."Look, I know I was a jerk for doing it.But come on, you even talked to Harry, you can't give me a break?"

 

"Honestly?I never expected that from you.I would have been annoyed, but I would have expected it from Amanda, but you, Niall, you always stayed out of it.You always supported me, you always told me I was strong, and I could do it.But I never expected you to go behind my back and do something like that."She said.

 

"You know, I hate it when you say you don't want to talk, and then say things like that, that make me feel even lower."He stood up and walked over to her."JJ, I thought it would make you angry, I'm not gonna lie, but I didn't figure that it was going to hurt you so much.I didn't think, apparently."

 

"It's going around these days."She said looking at him.

 

"I honestly thought that Harry would be the best to help with that song, because he was living it out with you.He was the reason you wrote those lyrics."He explained.

 

"Doesn't matter, Niall.Maybe he was best suited to write the lyrics, but I didn't want that.He isn't who I asked for help.I didn't want his help.I wanted yours.I trusted you."She said putting the bottle into her bag.

 

"I know.I'm a jerk.I will never be sorry enough."He said sadly.

 

"Look, I love you, and I always will.And I will forgive you.I think.But right now, I don't know what I'm doing.I'm so confused.I've got so much to think about.Things are a disaster.And I'm pretty sure I'm losing it.I don't know what to do."She put her bag over her shoulder as Amanda came out to the kitchen."Listen you two, could we just please stop trying to 'fix' things for me?What I decide to do about Harry and I has nothing to do with the three of us.I NEED someone to trust.And I REALLY want it to be the two of you, but it's been hard, now.I don't know what I will tell you, or if I will come to you for help, just, respect that, please.Let me deal with it."

 

"Whoa, what did I do?"Amanda asked giving Niall a kiss."I'll stay out of it.But don't expect me not to talk to you and ask.It's what best friends do."

 

Julie groaned."Well I'm different, not sure why you can't remember that."

 

"Of course, you are."Amanda laughed patting JJ on the shoulder."But we don't hold that against you."

 

Julie grabbed Amanda's fingers from her shoulder."You know what I wanna say, right?"

 

"Yes, love.And I hate you too."Amanda laughed again."Let's go.Need that caffeine fix."

 

"JJ?"Niall called out after her."Just know, I love you, and I don't want this to ruin our friendship."

 

Julie turned and looked at Niall."I know.And it won't.Just, Niall.Next time you have a bright idea.Just, dim it, quick."

 

"I promise."He laughed.Smart ass, JJ.Gotta love her."Have fun at work you two.Oh, and I know you're in a hospital and all, but I don't feel like bailing anyone out, so could you maybe only hurt Dr. Daniel a little?Not anything that would cause charges to be pressed."

 

"Fuck you, Niall."Julie said as she walked out the door.

 

"Well, not quite what she said, but no promises babe.Love you."Amanda laughed walking out the door and getting in the car.

 

"Well, you've been in a forgiving mood lately."Amanda said to JJ as she pulled onto the street, heading straight to the closest Starbucks.

 

"What's that mean?"Julie asked.

 

"First Harry, and then you let Niall off the hook fairly easily."Amanda said turning the corner and pulling up to the drive thru.

 

"I haven't forgiven Harry for anything.I told him that I understood that there were things I also should have seen and dealt with when it came to him.I never once said I forgive him."Julie said digging in her bag for some cash.

 

"I got this, don't worry."Amanda said ordering their normal before work coffees and heading to the window to pay."Ok, so maybe you didn't completely forgive Harry.But you sort of did.In order to understand where he's coming from, you have to at least forgive something."

 

"What kind of logic is that?"Julie said wrinkling her eyebrow."If that isn't some crazy Panda shit, I don't know what is."

 

Amanda laughed."Crazy Panda shit?Well that's a new one."She handed JJ her coffee and put hers in the cup holder and then she made her way towards the hospital."Come on."

 

"Seriously, why do I have to forgive him to understand?I don't agree with what he did, or how he did it.Doesn't matter if I understand."Julie said shaking her head and drinking some of her coffee.

 

"JJ, we've been making progress.Don't be so damn stubborn all over again."Amanda scolded as she pulled into the hospital parking lot.

 

"Hasn't changed, Panda dear, hasn't changed."Julie said getting out of the car.

 

"Fine, subject change, for now.What are you going to say to Daniel tonight?"She asked walking around the car towards the entrance with JJ.

 

"Nothing?Why do I have to say anything?I can do my job without making anything personal."Julie said attaching her badge to her scrubs as she walked into the door.

 

"Seriously?Just going to pretend he didn't leave you in a downtown club by yourself?"Amanda queried."I'm truly disappointed in you."

 

Julie laughed and raised her eyebrows."You're disappointed in me?"

 

"Yes."Amanda said as she opened the break room door."You have much more potential than to let him off the hook that easy.I was prepared for a full-on sass attack by you."

 

"A full-on sass attack?Now who's coming up with new things?"Julie asked putting her bag in her locker.

 

"Oh, come on.Everyone who knows you, knows no one can compete."Amanda said looking up when she heard the door."And come on, here's your opportunity."She said as Daniel walked in the door.

 

"Why is he in here?He's never in here."Julie said rolling her eyes.

 

"Looking for you."Daniel said walking up behind them."I saw you were on the schedule, we need to talk."

 

"We sure the hell don't."Julie said shutting her locker."We really have nothing to talk about.Unless we have a patient that needs something.Then, feel free."

 

"Really?After the other night?"He asked crossing his arms and looking down at her.

 

"Especially after the other night."She said to him shaking her head."Let's go, Panda."She took her coffee and started towards the door.

 

"No, we're going to talk before our shift starts.There's things that need to be said before we work together."He said turning towards her again."Don't walk away from me."

 

"Seriously?"Amanda said."Who the hell do you think you are?You took her out on one date, and you left her at a club in downtown LA, and you think you can tell her what to do?Have you lost your mind?"

 

"Panda, don't."Julie said."Don't worry about it."

 

"It wasn't exactly like that."Daniel came back with.

 

"What was it then?What would possibly possess you to leave her in a club?"Amanda asked again crossing her arms.

 

"So, she needs you to stand up for her now?She can't speak for herself?"Daniel shook his head and glared at Amanda.

 

"Oh, she's plenty capable of speaking for herself, but I don't think she needs too."Amanda glared right back at him.

 

"Oh, for fucks sake.Just shut up, both of you."Julie said."Listen, I don't have anything to say to you.Doesn't mean anything other than I'm pretty sure everything is obvious right now.I don't want what you want.Fine, whatever, you won't have trouble finding someone else to give your company to in that way."

 

"So, we're sticking with that?"Daniel asked."The way you kissed me, and led me on, we're just going to go with we want different things?"He grabbed her arm as she turned away."Just fucking talk to me."

 

"You did not."Amanda started angrily towards him and grabbed his hand from Julie's arm."You don't touch her."

 

"What is it with you people?I barely touched her."Daniel asked perplexed.

 

"You don't need to touch her at all."Amanda said."I think it's time to go to work, and you make sure to call another nurse if you need something tonight."

 

"Alright, just stop."Julie said calmly.

 

Amanda looked at JJ.She was way too calm.She was more scared of this than anything else."JJ?"

 

"Look, Daniel, there are things you don't know about me.Things that I don't want to go into detail about with you.But they are things that make me react differently than what someone who didn't go through them would.I don't appreciate being touched unexpectedly.Especially by people I don't know all that well.I'm not the type of girl that's going to decide to go out and then go back and sleep with someone I don't know all that well.It's just how it is.Now, I think we can work together just fine, if you can just let this go.We aren't in the same place right now."Julie said to him.She controlled her urge to tell him to shove it.She could be an adult and get her point across another way.Maybe it was time to figure things out differently.

 

Daniel just stared at her."You have got to be kidding me right now.This is what you're going with?You lead me on, tease me with that dress and dancing right up on me, kissing me like I'm all you want and then playing the victim card?"

 

Julie put her hand on Amanda's arm when she started to say something."No, I'm not playing the victim.Yes, I tried to let loose a little, yes, I kissed you, and yes, maybe I shouldn't have let it go as far as it did knowing I didn't want it to go any further.But I said no."

 

"You're incredible."He mumbled shaking his head.

 

"Yeah, I know.Thanks for noticing."Julie rolled her eyes and turned towards the door.

 

"I don't know what I ever thought I saw in you.You're just a selfish bitch who doesn't give a shit who you string along.Better watch out for that.Someday, someone may not take too kindly to that."Daniel called out after her.

 

Julie spun around quickly and was met by Amanda's waiting arm which landed in front of her stomach stopping her.She pointed her finger at Daniel.She was never this animated but he hit a nerve."You have NO idea what you're talking about.Not a clue.So instead of assuming you do and throwing idle fucking threats at someone, you should look at yourself.You don't know what I've been through, you don't know why I am the way that I am.But whatever you THINK could happen to me, I've already been through and probably worse.You saw, a 'hot' nurse who you thought you could throw your charm at and get her into your bed, but you were wrong.Don't think I didn't hear what you were talking about with the 'boys'.So, I take full responsibility for calling you when I knew better.I shouldn't have tried to be with you just so I could forget about my hurt and my anger.So, yeah, maybe I was being selfish.But I didn't think you were the kind of guy who would try and force someone to do something they didn't want too.Maybe YOU should re-evaluate and determine what kind of 'good guy' you are before you start throwing fucking stones."She shook Amanda's arm off of her and walked out the door.Screw him.He didn't know anything about her.She shouldn't have tried to use him to forget her anger at Niall or to try and move past Harry.She shouldn't have.But he should have respected her decision when it came time to leave the club and that was that.

 

Amanda stopped Daniel when he went to walk out after JJ."Look, you were a dick.Just accept it.But leave her alone.You DON'T know what she's been through.And she won't tell you.And I won't tell you.But if there's any decency left in you right now, let her be.I get you're a young hot doctor.And I get that a lot of people our age do things like that, but she's never going to be one of them.She can't be.Please, just accept it."

 

"She called me and she didn't stop me in that club.She's not exactly innocent in all of this."Daniel said through clenched teeth.

 

"Daniel, you clearly aren't hearing me."Amanda took a deep breath.She didn't want to break JJ's confidence, by telling him too much, so she used JJ's words to try to get him to understand."She told you she's been through worse, and she has.Think about that."She shook her head."Seriously, think about that."

 

Daniel looked down at Amanda and stepped back."Nobody told me."

 

"And nobody will.And she never will.I know, and a few other people know.Most people here don't even know.She's difficult, I'm not going to even try to deny it.But in the end, she's one of the best people I know."Amanda grabbed her coffee."She was the first one to take up for you when you came here, Daniel.Remember that too."

 

"Yeah, I do."He sat down on the bench.He rubbed his face and then stood up.He should have never fucked with her like that.He liked her, but he never even assumed she'd gone through anything as bad as Amanda made it seem.He walked out of the locker room and saw her standing at the nurses' station.He wanted to apologize.He looked at Amanda who shook her head.Ok, maybe now was not the time.He would apologize another time, and maybe they could be friends again.At least at work.He knew he was a bit of a dick, but he didn't realize he was THAT big of a dick.He walked off to start his shift on the floor.

 

"JJ?"Amanda said as she stood next to her."Why don't you go home?We're overstaffed tonight anyway."

 

"No, we're not."Julie said looking at the board."You forget that I look at the same schedule and board as you."

 

"No, I haven't forgotten.I think you should take the night off.We've got a full staff we can manage without you.Plus, you know Jenna has been begging for some extra hours.Let me call her and see?"Amanda asked taking out her cell phone.

 

"Shift starts in ten minutes, Amanda.I'm already here."Julie said looking over the board.

 

"Yes, I know."Amanda said.She called Jenna and asked if she wanted to work tonight."Jenna can be here in an hour."She stated as she hung up the phone."Mary?Jenna's going to come take over JJ's shift and will be here in an hour.Do you think we can do without JJ for an hour?"When Mary, the charge nurse, said they could, Amanda looked at JJ smugly."There, now go home.Just get out of here."

 

Julie furrowed her eyebrows and shook her head at Amanda."You know, you're not the boss of me."

 

"Are you going to stick your tongue out at me and stomp your foot, too?"Amanda asked laughing.She looked at Julie seriously."JJ, go home.We've got this.And you don't need to work through it."

 

"You know I have to take the bus, right?So, I'm not sure what's more of a punishment, staying at work or taking the bus."Julie whined.

 

"Take the car.I will have Niall come and get me in the morning.He will love to get up early and take me to breakfast."Amanda advised."I won't give him a choice.

 

Julie nodded."I'm sure he will LOVE you for the morning wake up call.Enjoy."Julie said walking back to the locker room to get her bag and the keys.Maybe it was time for her to get a car.She had some extra cash now from living with Niall and Amanda for the past few months.She would only need a small one-bedroom apartment, so even if she did move out she should be able to afford a small car too.Put that on her to do list too.She walked out into the parking ramp to another warm February night in LA.She decided to walk a couple of blocks to a small coffee shop to grab something to eat before she went home.She went in and sat at a quiet booth in the back.She ordered some dinner and ate slowly.She watched a few people come and go, but for the most part it was extremely quiet.Her mind wasn't though.Her mind was racing a million miles a minute.About everything.Daniel, her talk with Harry, Niall and his sneaky game, Amanda trying her hardest to understand.No one would be able to understand if she couldn't even understand.She looked at her phone and pulled up a text conversation that simply said, 'You now have my number, H.' and 'Yes, I do.Happy Birthday, again. J.'She stared at it longer than she should have.She tapped in the line to start texting.She kept going back and forth.Part of her just wanted to move on, and forget about him, and part of her wanted to talk to him again.

 

Harry was sitting at home on the couch.He'd picked up and set down his phone multiple times.Julie told him to call her in a few days.It'd only been two.He should wait.He'd pulled up her text message multiple times, but closed it before typing anything every time.This time he saw the iMessage bubbles on the screen.Shit.She was in that message, typing.He found himself hoping that he got a message.They stayed there for a long time with nothing.They disappeared and he found himself staring at the phone hoping they would reappear.He was just about to give up when they appeared again and a short message appeared shortly after.He smiled when he read the three words, 'are you busy?'.He didn't even pretend to wait to respond.He quickly texted back, "Not, at all."He waited impatiently to see if she would answer back, and with what.He smiled when the next text came through."Meet me at Annie's?"The little coffee shop down the street from the hospital.He had been there a few times.With her, and when she was in the hospital.It was quiet, and off the beaten path enough that he could usually get away without being seen."On my way."Was his response.He grabbed his keys and was out the door quickly.


	21. Chapter 21

Harry walked into the small coffee shop and looked around.  He spotted Julie sitting in a booth toward the back staring out the window.  Picking her lip with one hand and running the bottom of her hair through her fingers with the other.  Well, she was deep in thought; she had both her tells going on.  He walked up to her and smiled.  "Hey, I'm glad you texted."  He slid into the booth across from her.

 

"Hey."  Julie said looking up.  She hadn't even heard him walk up.  "Glad you could come."

 

"Of course."  He watched her pick up her coffee and take a drink.  "You seemed pretty deep in thought.  Everything ok?"

 

"Yes, no, maybe.  Yeah, I don't know."  The words tumbled over each other.  She took a deep breath and looked at him.  "I'm supposed to be at work.  But it was rough, so basically Amanda sent me home before my shift started."

 

"Rough?  Before your shift started?  How's that possible?"  He queried.  What did that mean?

 

"I had a run in with Daniel.  Wasn't the quick 'hey, how are you', and move on thing I was hoping for."  Julie said taking a deep breath and playing with the napkin on the table.

 

Harry leaned back against the booth.  He immediately felt his muscles tighten as he did.  "Julie, what did he do?"

 

"He just wasn't happy about the other night.  He thinks I've been leading him on.  That I've been a tease."  She shrugged.  "Maybe he's right."

 

"No, he's not."  Harry leaned forward and clasped his hands together on the table.  "I don't care what you did.  You're far from a tease."  He wrung his hands together.  He wanted to have a word or two, or more with this guy.  Who the hell did he think he was?  "Julie, no is no.  I doubt you lead him on."

 

"I let him take me out. I let him kiss me."  She said looking at the table as she said it.

 

Harry took in a breath before he spoke.  He couldn't say anything about that; they weren't together.  And lord knows he had no place to talk, but he hated hearing it.  "So?  So, what?  A kiss doesn't mean he should expect anything else."  He sat back again.  He was trying to relax and appear calm, but he seriously wanted to go after this guy and give him a piece of his mind.  "I can't say I don't want to say something to this jerk."

 

Julie looked up at him again.  "Thanks, but it's ok.  It will be fine."  She watched him and could tell he was uncomfortable with the way this conversation was going.  He was definitely tense.  "I'm sorry. I'm honestly not exactly sure why I asked you to come here.  I've just been thinking about so many things since we talked the other morning.  I'm so confused."

 

He leaned forward again.  "It's ok, I'm just glad you did."  He ordered a tea when the waitress came by.  "I'm afraid you're taking things and letting them get the best of you right now.  I'm afraid you're internalizing too much.  I'm afraid you are letting this jerk get to you when he shouldn't."

 

"I'm fine.  Really.  I've dealt with worse."  She said looking at his hands on the table, still not able to meet his eyes.

 

"Doesn't make it any better."  He said.  "I know I'm a part of you pulling back, Julie.  But I don't want to be."

 

Julie took a chance and put her hand on top of his on the table.  "It's not your fault.  Look, you made me think.  Think about how I wasn't really opening up to anyone like I thought.  I was just finding new ways to keep people at a distance.  I was so used to just being on my own.  I was comfortable with that.  I thought I was learning. I thought I was getting stronger, but I was just finding a different way to protect myself, even from you."

 

Harry looked at her hand on his.  Holy shit.  He did not expect that.  He didn't expect her to reach out to him at all, and now she was holding onto his hands.  He reached up with his thumb and rubbed her hand.  "I don't know if it's quite that much.  I didn't feel like you were completely shut down like before."  He thought about it for a second.  "I guess you weren't completely open.  But I noticed a difference."

 

"Yeah, maybe.  There were things that changed.  But then there were other things I just changed to hold onto."  She let go of his hands and sat back.

 

He sighed slightly when she let go.  "So, what are you trying say?"

 

"I don't know."  She sat up and looked at him again.  "I don't think I will ever figure things out."

 

"Don't sell yourself short though.  Julie, you went through a lot.  I watched it.  I never looked at it as you finding another way to keep your distance.  But, well, maybe it was.  You didn't want to trust me completely.  You didn't want to trust anyone completely."  He said calmly to her.  "Thing is, I think you have to.  There has to be someone that you just trust."

 

"Not even myself."  She sighed as she leaned back and looked down at her hands which were now on her lap.

 

He watched her for awhile before speaking.  "Julie, don't let what this jackass did or said to you make you doubt yourself.  Please.  Don't let him have that much control over you and your thoughts.  Don't go back to that self-doubt."

 

"Have I ever really stopped doubting myself though?  I thought I had, but now I'm not so sure."  She felt defeated, again.  First Johnny, and then Harry, and now Daniel.  She didn't even know if she ever defined herself – who she was on her own.  She was always defined by the men in her life.

 

Harry didn't know what to say, or what to do.  He knew they weren't together, but he still wanted to help her. He still wanted to help her realize that things may not be quite as bad as she was making them out to be.  "Julie, I don't know what to say to help you realize how wonderful you are.  Let's get out of here."  When she looked at him like he was half crazy, he continued.  "Come on, no pressure, no expectations.  Let's just go, somewhere."  He thought about it for a minute.  "Let's go to the water.  The private beach.  Let's just go sit outside.  Don't make a big deal out of it.  Please."  He knew as soon as he asked her to go anywhere with him that she would think way too hard about whether she should or not because they weren't together.  He stood up and reached for her hand.

 

"Harry."  She said.  She looked at his hand.  She shouldn't do this.  "It is a big deal, Harry."  She scooted over in the booth, hesitated, and then slid her hand into his.  After he helped her up, she let go of his hand and reached into her purse for some cash for her bill.  She set it on the table and walked outside with him.  "I don't know about this.  I need to change.  I have the car.  I'm going home to change.  And then I will meet you there."

 

He looked at her.   He didn't trust her to actually come after, but he had no choice.  "Ok, just, please come.  I will have it all set up."  He thought about kissing her cheek, but he settled for smiling at her.  He got in his car and went and grabbed a few things from the store down the street.  He got a blanket and some snacks.  He was going to get wine, but he figured maybe showing up with alcohol might make her leave right away.  Their last couple of encounters after he had alcohol hadn't gone well.  He smiled at the thought though.  Things weren't great.  But they were better.  He grabbed some sparkling white grape juice. He remembered she liked that best and two glasses.  He went to check out and then remembered he should bring ice.  She liked her drinks cold.  He grabbed a small bag of ice and a little cooler.  He shook his head at himself when he realized how detailed he was being for something that wasn't a date.  She would never look at it as a date.  Eh, what did it matter?  He wanted to do this for her.  He paid and put everything in the car and headed to the beach.

 

Julie drove home and changed her clothes.  It was getting later, and the sun had set.  Temperatures by the water would be a little cooler.  It was still February.  She put on some jeans and a sweater that hit her waist band.  She ran her hands over it.  It was her favorite blue.  She let her hair down and was going to fix her make up when she stopped.  What was she doing?  She wasn't going on a date.  She shook her head and pulled her hair back into a pony tail.  She took off her sweater and pulled on an oversized hoodie.  She grabbed her keys and walked out before she decided not to go.  What could it hurt?  They needed to talk about things.  She needed to be able to move past the hurt and the pain and if that meant moving past him, then she needed to know that.  She drove up and spoke to security at the gate.  She smiled when they remembered her, and they spoke to her briefly.  When they were done, she drove around and parked.  She knew where Harry would be.  It wasn't a large private beach, but he did have a favorite place.  She walked over and saw the blanket laid out on the sand and everything else he had brought.  She stopped and contemplated leaving.  She wasn't ready for a production.  She started to turn when she heard him call her name.  She took a deep breath and started walking back towards him.  "I wasn't expecting all of this."  She said as she came to a stop just short of the blanket.

 

"It's nothing, really."  He said watching her take in the blanket and the cooler.  He watched her eyes go to the bottle and glasses.  He knew what she was thinking.  He picked up the bottle.  "Just sparkling white grape juice."  He showed her.  "Really, it's just a few things.  Come on, sit down and get comfortable."  He held out his hand to help her sit down.  He watched her as he coaxed her. He knew she'd have a hard time letting go and just being with him.  She hesitated a bit longer, just staring at his hand but then slowly took it.  He helped her sit down and then sat next to her, making sure to leave enough space to keep her comfortable.

 

"It's still an amazing view here."  She said looking out over the ocean.  The moonlight just starting to bounce off the water.  "I don't know what I expected to change.  But it's amazing."

 

"We were together every time we were here before.  I sort of expected it to look different this time too."  He said glancing over at her.  He bent his knees and wrapped his arms around them.  The moonlight shining off her blue eyes was a sight he never thought he'd missed, but seeing it now he did.  He missed everything about her.

 

"Yeah."  She said still staring out over the water.  She leaned back on her hands and stretched her legs straight out in front of her crossing her ankles.  "Guess, you're right."

 

"You don't know what to say, do you?"  He asked her.  "Don't worry so much.  It's just a friend trying to help you forget what happened earlier today."  They sat in silence for quite some time.  She seemed to relax more the longer they sat there.  He didn't want to push too much.  He was just happy for her company.

 

Julie couldn't believe how comfortable she felt sitting here with him.  Everything just seemed ok.  He didn't put any pressure on her.  He didn't push her to talk; he didn't ask her any questions. He just sat there with her.  Calmly.  Watching out over the water with her.  It was probably the most she'd felt at peace in a very long time.  After probably an hour of just sitting there, she looked over at him.  "Thank you for this."  She couldn't deny he knew her pretty well still.  He knew she needed this.  It was a good feeling and also a scary feeling at the same time.  How could she get over him when she felt herself being pulled right back to him?

 

"Anytime."  He said looking over at her.  He smiled and moved a piece of hair that had come free from her pony tail, off of her cheek.  "I mean it.  If you need to get away.  Just call me.  I've told you how I feel.  I'd love for us to try again.  I want you back.  But I won't push that.  Mostly, I just want to see you happy.  That's all I've ever wanted.  I haven't seen you smile a real smile in a very long time."

 

"There's not been a whole lot to smile about."  She said looking back over the water.  "Thanks, Harry. I will keep all that in mind."

 

He smiled a small smile and then looked back out over the water.  Of course, she would ignore the whole part about him wanting to try again.  That was ok though.  He didn't expect her to acknowledge it.  But she would think about it now.  He needed her to think about it.  He watched her lay on her back and stare up at the stars.  She was deep in thought.  He knew what would come, and he smiled when she did it.  Her one hand to her hair, her other to her lip.  "You know, you're going to make your lip bleed if you pull on it anymore tonight."  He took her hand gently from her lip.  "Maybe we should put this somewhere else."  He took a chance and kept her hand in his.  She started to slip it away from his, but she stopped.  She stopped!  Yes!  He chuckled softly to himself at how much that excited him.

 

"Yeah, maybe you're right."  She said.  She was tired.  She hadn't slept well in a long time.  The sound of the ocean and of the waves made her even sleepier.  She felt her eyes start to close.

 

Harry watched her eyes close slowly.  He watched her breathing start to steady out, and he smiled big when she fell asleep.  He knew in order for her to fall asleep anywhere outside of her own bed, she needed to feel comfortable and secure.  He was happy he could provide that for her.  He would let her sleep.  On a beach.  In February.  Just to keep her around.  He lay back on the blanket and felt himself doze off too.

 

It was just after 7 the next morning.  Amanda was waiting outside for Niall to get her when she saw Dr. Daniel come into the parking garage.  When he stopped and looked at her, she raised her eyebrows.  "What?"

 

"You know I was going to apologize to JJ, right?"  He said crossing his arms.  "And you just moved me along and then sent her home?"

 

"So?"  Amanda asked.  Seriously the balls of this guy.  At first, she had thought JJ should spend time with him, but now she hoped she would just stayed as far away from him as she could. Harry was right – he was a dickhead.

 

"So, why?  Why are you involved anyway?"  He asked her annoyed.

 

"Why wouldn't I be?  She's my best friend.  And you left her in a club in Downtown LA because she wouldn't go back to your house for a good fuck."  Amanda spat out at him.

 

"How the fuck do you know that's what I wanted?"  He asked her shaking his head.

 

"For fuck's sake.  You have got to be fucking kidding me.  Everyone knows that's exactly what you were going for.  She kissed you, Daniel, she didn't do anything else.  And before you say again that she was wearing a sexy dress, you better think long and hard.  She's a beautiful girl, in more ways than one, which you obviously noticed."  Amanda put her hands on her hips and glared at him.

 

"Yes, she's beautiful.  I didn't know she had problems before. How was I supposed to know why she was reacting the way she was?"  He shook his head again.  "I mean, she didn't exactly tell me."

 

"She shouldn't have to!"  Amanda said starting to raise her voice.  "Seriously!  She said no.  As I hear it, multiple times, and you STILL tried to take advantage of her AFTER you knew she had TOO MUCH to drink."

 

"You need to calm the fuck down and stop raising your voice at me."  He took a step forwards.  "As I see it, it's between her and me.  She and I got along much better before you returned."

 

"Shut the fuck up.  It doesn't even matter!  If you think for one second that I'm going to back off, then you have another thing coming.  You had your shot with her.  Back the fuck off."  Amanda said standing her ground.  What was it with JJ getting these aggressive men?  Besides Harry, this was the type of guy JJ seemed to attract.  Ok, maybe not fair, because there was only Johnny, and then Harry, who was far from aggressive, and now Daniel.  "She's dealt with enough bullshit in her life.  Now that I'm in it, she doesn't have to do it alone anymore."

 

"Have you ever thought that MAYBE, just MAYBE, you should back the fuck off and let her take care of herself?  She's a big girl.  She doesn't need a babysitter."  Daniel fumed.  This chick was amazing.  Acting like JJ was a kid who needed protecting.

 

"Absolutely not!  She is a strong woman. She has gotten through A LOT in life.  But she's also still healing because of it, and that means she sometimes needs a bit of protecting.  And I for sure will do it!"  Amanda said through her teeth.  She had clenched her jaw she was so angry.

 

"Fuck you, Amanda.  She doesn't want me to apologize, then she can tell me herself when I talk to her."  Daniel spit out at her.  He turned to walk away and when Amanda's hand grabbed his arm, he grabbed her hand and took it off of him.  "What the fuck do you think you're doing?"

 

Niall pulled into the parking garage and saw Amanda and Daniel in a heated argument.  He wondered what that was all about.  When Daniel grabbed Amanda's wrist when she stopped him, he parked the car and jumped out.  "Let her go; don't you fucking touch her like that."  He walked up and took Daniel's hand off of Amanda.

 

"What the fuck?  What is it with you people?  Tell her to back the fuck off and let JJ and I deal with whatever we need to deal with."  Daniel exclaimed turning towards Niall.  "Do you people ever do anything without each other?"

 

"Yes, we do plenty.  But from where I stand you best keep your hands off a woman.  I don't care if she tried to stop you.  Don't put your hands on her.  And if she feels it's best you stay away from JJ, then I suggest you do.  Amanda knows what JJ needs."  Niall said taking Amanda's hand and stepping her back.  "I suggest you back the fuck off."

 

"From where I stand, you all treat JJ like a fucking kid.  Maybe she doesn't appreciate that."  Daniel advised.

 

"Don't pretend to know what she needs more than we do.  We have been there for her a hell of a lot longer.  She doesn't need you in her life.  Especially when a so-called man leaves her in the middle of the club in LA.  Dick move."  Niall told him.

 

"Yeah, dick move, you don't know what happened.  You don't know what she did.  Stop pretending you do.  Stop thinking she's little miss innocent.  She called me, she asked me out, she danced all up on me, and then she kissed me back, more than just some innocent peck."  Daniel explained again.

 

"And then she told you NO!"  Amanda said angrily.  She went to step forward, but Niall wouldn't let go of her hand and held her back.

 

"This is over."  Niall said firmly.  "It's time to fucking go.  And I will tell you this, if you bother JJ, again.  If you try ANYTHING, with her.  You'll be fucking sorry."  He took a step towards Daniel.  "I'm not kidding."  He said looking straight into his eyes.  "And stay the fuck away from Amanda, too."

 

"Who the fuck do you think you are?  What are you going to do about it?"  Daniel laughed at him.  "I'm not afraid of you."

 

"You don't have to be.  I have resources."  Niall had never felt like hitting anyone so much before.  He wanted to deck this guy.  But he looked over and saw hospital security coming out.  He could see the tabloids now.  He stepped back and grabbed Amanda's hand.  "Let's go home.  He's not worth it.  He just better stay away from JJ."

 

"Or what?"  Daniel called out after them.

 

"You don't want to know."  Niall said opening the door for Amanda and shutting it behind her a little harder than he needed to.  "Trust me, you don't fucking want to know."  He got in the car and looked at Amanda.  He was angry.  "What the fuck was that?"

 

"He just, JJ and he had it out earlier.  So I sent her home.  He said he wanted to apologize, and I basically told him to stay away.  Then you came."  She explained.  "Just, is JJ ok?"

 

"She isn't at home.  I saw her go into her room, and then I went to check on her a little later, and she was gone.  She has the car still."  Niall said pulling out of the parking garage.  "That guy pissed me off.  I'm not sure I've been this angry in a long time."

 

Amanda took his hand.  "It's ok, babe.  I appreciate you sticking up for me, and for JJ.  Thank you."  She leaned over and kissed his cheek.  There was something extremely hot about watching Niall stand up to Daniel.  Niall was generally very chill.  Nothing really got to him.  Seeing him go into protective mode for her, and then for JJ, was something she'd never knew she needed to see.  She watched him for a while.  She couldn't love this man anymore.  "Well, I guess I need to find out if JJ's ok.  I hate it when she goes off on her own."  She pulled out her phone and sent a text.  "Niall says you stopped home, but then haven't been home since.  Are you ok?"  She put her phone back in her bag and took Niall's hand again.  "Let's go home, fiancée."


	22. Chapter 22

The next morning, Julie woke up to a strip of sunlight shining in her eyes.She sat up and looked around.She was in the beach house, on the couch.She shook her head and recalled the night before.She remembered falling asleep on the beach, but she didn't remember coming into the beach house.She sat up and rubbed her face.Harry had to have carried her in.She looked over at the small kitchen when she heard cups being placed on saucers.His back was towards her, snug t-shirt showing his back muscles moving beautifully as he poured her coffee and his tea.Damn, this man was so beautiful in every way.He always made both coffee and tea.Their joke about how she was all American and preferred coffee over the English tea.She knew the coffee would be made perfectly, just how she liked it.After a few minutes of just staring at him, she cleared her throat."Good Morning.I guess I don't have to ask how I got in here."

 

Harry smiled, picked up both cups and turned to her."Good Morning.Well, as comfortable as you were, I couldn't actually let you sleep on the beach.It got pretty cold, and it started to sprinkle.I couldn't be that mean."He handed her the coffee and sat beside her."You seemed to sleep pretty well."

 

She took a drink of her coffee, wrapped her hands around the cup, enjoying its feeling and warmth, and stared into it."Yeah, guess it's been awhile since I've slept.Again."

 

Harry sighed and looked at her."I'm sorry."

 

"I wish it was only you."She took a deep breath."I don't think I've ever been settled.Yes, I slept better when you were around, but it...I don't know how to explain it."

 

"You don't have to.I get it."He contemplated what he was going to say next.He'd probably gone over it in his mind ten different ways."Would you be open to letting me help you?Look, I know you probably aren't ready to forgive me, or give me another chance, but I can help you."

 

Julie took a deep breath and let it out slowly."I know you could, Harry.I know.I know you always could have.But my point back then is still the same.I don't want to rely on you."

 

"You let Zayn help."Harry said quietly.He knew he shouldn't have, but damn it, why couldn't she just let him.

 

"I'm not arguing with you about Zayn."Julie said setting her cup on the coffee table and standing up."I'm not.I'm not talking to you about him.I do not want to have this argument with you.I don't want to argue at all."

 

"I'm just saying, if you could let him help you, why can't you let me?You know I would make sure that you were taken care of."Harry said watching her."I'm not trying to argue."

 

"Yes, you are."She said turning and looking at him."It's some sort of competition.What Zayn and I did, or didn't do.Is none of your business.You and I weren't together.You made sure of that."

 

"I know I did.But him?After everything, why him?I just want to understand."Harry asked quietly.

 

"You just want to understand?Whether you believe it or not, I didn't go to him.We ran into each other, like I said.But, it seems like you're more than a hypocrite when it comes to this."Julie said a bit bitterly crossing her arms.

 

"How's that?"He looked up at her, watching her close herself off.The harder she crossed her arms, the more she was pulling back.

 

Julie raised her eyebrows."You have got to be kidding me?Kendall?Like going to her wasn't on purpose, just to hurt me."

 

"That was after...Zayn."He said it, but even he realized how it sounded after he said it.

 

"Oh, so that makes it better?Thing is I didn't get with Zayn just to spite you.Just to hurt you.In fact, it was quite the opposite, and boy, do I feel stupid about it now."She said to him.She fought the tears threatening to spill out over her cheeks.

 

"Julie, I seriously did not want to fight with you."He said to her.It was the truth.It was the last thing he wanted to do, but this was the one thing he had the hardest time with.Her and Zayn.

 

"Well, it's a little too late for that now, isn't it?"She said turning away from him."You want the truth?"She wiped the stray tear from her cheek and turned back to him."I turned Zayn down because of you.I could have been with him.He offered.More than once.And he was good to me.But I couldn't do it.Because of you!Because I knew that if I did, no matter where we were in our relationship, that it would hurt you.And I wasn't going to do that.So, no matter what you think happened between Zayn and me.It didn't.And watching you, on that boat with Kendall, made me wonder why I didn't just let it happen.Because apparently, you didn't care what it would do to me."

 

Harry felt like he'd been punched in the gut, again. He'd somehow never believed that she hadn't slept with Zayn.That they hadn't been together.Even though he had heard it before and was told by others, he somehow always made himself out to be in the right, that she had slept with Zayn.But listening to her now.Seeing her standing there in front of him, telling him straight how it was, he had to accept it."Fuck."He felt his life was in a tailspin. Harry stood up and stepped towards her only to stop when she gave him the look.Yeah, that look.The one that said if you take another step closer, you are going to regret it."I don't know why I've always been so convinced there was something between you and Zayn.I don't.It's just something, even before we got together, I saw.How you two seemed to understand each other, without even having to say much."

 

"Niall and I understand each other, too.Pretty well.Well, up until lately.So, do you think I'm fucking him, too?"She asked him.

 

"No, Julie, come on."He sighed."It was different."

 

"He had a fiancée.Even if you and I hadn't gotten together, I would have NEVER stepped to that.Unlike your little flame.She didn't give two shits that you had a girlfriend when she came after you in Paris.And knowing that, you STILL ran right to her.Fucked her on a yacht."Julie clenched her teeth and shook her head.She didn't speak like this, but she felt completely irrational and out of control when it came to Kendall.

 

Harry looked at her surprised.The way she'd spoken to him just now was certainly not what he was used to.She was always so much more controlled than that.He was shocked she put it to him like that."I was wrong.Trust me, I know that.I did rationalize it by saying you were with Zayn.Deep down I knew she would be the one that would hurt you the most.I don't know what was wrong with me."He ran his hand through his hair as he stepped back and sat back down on the couch. What a mess he'd made of things.

 

"You just can't quit her.I wanted to be that girl.But you sure were able to quit me real easy."Julie admitted.To both herself and to him.She didn't want him to let her go.She didn't want him to be ABLE to let her go.But he had.Maybe she had taken him for granted.Maybe she thought he would be there for her while she was able to figure things out.But maybe she would never be able to figure out anything.

 

"Well, that's where you're wrong, Julie."He stood up and slowly walked up to her."Deciding to end things with you was the hardest thing I've ever done."He took her hands and slowly unwrapped her arms from around her and held both of her hands in front of him."I was scared.I didn't know what I was doing.My feelings were so strong.I honestly didn't know where we were going."

 

"Going?What was wrong with where we were?"She looked up at him confused.

 

"I don't know.Nothing.But I felt overwhelmed with it all.Taking the next step seemed like it was something we should do.Otherwise, we were just standing still.I didn't know if that was right either.It scared me to think about our future."He admitted.

 

"Who asked you to?Seriously?Did I ask you to plan out the next step in our relationship?Who the hell knows what the next step was for us?I needed time.I thought you were the one who understood that.I wasn't looking to rush into anything more than what we had.Hell, I didn't even want to go as deep as we did.It was you that decided to end it because there was pressure to move forward.That pressure wasn't coming from me."She looked down at his hands still holding hers.This was always so confusing for her.She loved his touch.She felt an unexplainable calmness in his presence, but at the same time, it all made her angry.She didn't want to feel this way still.Not after he'd dumped her.She wanted to move on.She wanted to figure out her life.She didn't want to go back to a place that could hurt her the way she was hurt when he no longer wanted her.She pulled her hands from his and crossed her arms again.

 

"Julie, come on."He took her elbow gently and walked her back over to the couch and sat her down.He sat facing her but didn't try to take her hands again."Yes, I know I made it all up.Well, I didn't really make it up.I confused myself with the deep feelings.I wasn't supposed to fall in love with you.Not like that.I was 20 years old, turning 21, and all of a sudden, I found myself in this deep, serious relationship before I even knew what hit me.I needed you more than I ever thought I would ever need someone.At 21, I was starting to think about forever.That got scary."He said trying to explain.

 

"I never asked for that kind of commitment from you.I never asked you for forever.I wasn't ready for forever.I was barely ready for love.I sure the hell wasn't ready for you.But there you were.And you were so patient.And you concentrated so much on me and helping me even before you knew what was wrong.I just thought you were different."She pulled her knees up and hugged them."I thought you actually cared about what I needed.But it was more about you.About how you felt 'saving me' from my past."

 

Harry looked at her intently. "No.Let's get one thing straight.You didn't need saving.You needed support.I wanted to give that to you.You grew yourself by knowing that someone would be there.I didn't 'save' you."He sighed.He didn't know how to get his point across.He didn't know how to explain to her how he was feeling.All she felt was hurt and betrayal, but that's not what he'd meant to happen.She was right, some-what.When she didn't seem to need him as much, it did cause him to second guess everything.So that part was true.He wanted her to need him."Julie, I don't know what to say.Or how to explain my side."

 

"You don't know how to explain away you breaking up with me?Breaking my trust, my heart, my belief in anyone?"She looked up at him."Good.Because you shouldn't be able to explain that away."

 

"I know."He ran his hands through his hair.

 

Julie watched him.She felt her defenses going right back up.Whatever they had worked out was being shoved back down.She closed her eyes and took a deep breath."I'm sorry.I don't want to go back and just blame you.I spent most of my life blaming myself for everything, and now I'm just blaming you for everything.I know I was far from a great girlfriend.And I probably should have thought about that before I agreed to be yours."

 

"Please, don't do that.I don't regret our relationship.We went through a lot.But we got through a lot.We both made mistakes.But I made the biggest by letting you go because I got scared."He looked over at her."I know we can't just forget what happened.I know you can't.I know that breaking your trust will be something extremely hard to overcome because you had lost faith in trust long before me.But can we just continue to talk?Can we just see what could happen?Whether it's a final goodbye, a friendship, or whatever it turns out to be?"

 

"I don't know, Harry.It's so hard.It's hard to be in love with you and look at you and feel hurt.It's confusing."She admitted to him."Being here with you gives me so many conflicting emotions, I'm not sure I can sort through them."

 

"I won't pressure you."He thought about it and then leaned over and cupped her cheek."But I'm also not going to hide the fact that I really want you to give it a chance."

 

She closed her eyes as his hand touched her cheek.She felt the heat under it.Part of her wanted to jump back into his arms, feel the safe feeling she had always felt, the same feeling that had drawn her to him in the first place.But that defeated the purpose of trying to actually straighten things out for herself.Get her life under control.She'd thought she'd felt lost before, but it was nothing like she felt now.She put her hand on his and removed it slowly from her face."I can't.Not now."

 

He looked at her disappointed.Even though he knew it probably wasn't the right time, he was hoping for it.He wanted the feeling of having someone he loved and trusted in his life.To be able to share everything with and know it wouldn't go further than the two of them.He knew without a doubt she was that person.He almost laughed at how safe his confessions would be.She didn't share with anyone.Anything."I know you don't trust me.I know you don't believe me, but please, don't push me so far away.If you need something, please, if I can help.Let me."

 

She looked him in the eyes for a few moments."All I can say is that I won't rule it out.I appreciate what you did for me last night.I needed it.I'm glad we talked, and I'm glad we have a bit more of an understanding."She stood up."I think I should go back to Niall's now."

 

"Why don't you call it home?"Harry asked her curiously.He was curious why she didn't call it home.Amanda and Niall both welcomed her.Wanted her there.

 

When she was halfway to the door, Julie stopped, turned and looked at him.She thought about it and shrugged."It's not my home.I don't know.I guess, I just want to have somewhere that feels like mine.Before you tell me how wrong I am, I know that Amanda and Niall would never ask me to leave.I know they don't mind me being there.It's just not the same as having my own home."

 

"No, I think I understand.But I know they think of it as your home.I was just curious.Say hi to Niall and Amanda for me."Harry said smiling at her.

 

Julie rolled her eyes."Yeah, first thing."She went and opened the door."Thanks again, Harry.I did need, whatever this was, last night.I will talk to you soon."She forced a smile and then went to Niall's car.Looking at the car and thinking about the conversation she'd just had with Harry.Maybe it was time to get serious about buying a new car, getting her own apartment.Why was life so complicated?

 

About 30 minutes later, Julie walked into Niall's house.She threw the keys in the bowl on the table by the door and started to her room.She wasn't surprised when she heard Amanda say her name before she even got through the living room."Hey, Panda."She said turning towards her.

 

"Where were you?"Amanda asked crossing her arms and raising her eyebrow.

 

"Out."Julie said."Are you my mom?"

 

"No, but you left work, and Niall says you stopped home and then left and didn't come back til this morning."Amanda queried."Come on, it's not like you."

 

Julie shook her head."Yes, mom."She had to get her point across."I was with Harry.And before you go all deep on me, we just talked.After Daniel, I was thinking about a lot of things.We talked at Annie's and then we met up at the private beach.We just sat and stared at the ocean, and I fell asleep.He took me into the beach house, and I slept on the couch until this morning."

 

"You spent the night with Harry?"Amanda's eyes widened when she said it.

 

"You didn't listen to the rest of it?"Julie shook her head."Yes, but we talked before I fell asleep, and we talked this morning.That's all.There's nothing else."

 

"Nothing else?I know Harry wants you back.It's no secret.At least to Niall and myself."Amanda said leaning against the back of the couch.

 

"Yes, I know.He told me.But I'm not ready to think about that yet.I will talk to him again, I'm sure, but I don't know what's going to come of this.I've got a lot to figure out.And I'm worried that he's kinda moving along a little too fast himself.There were still reasons we broke up."Julie said walking towards her room."Look, we will talk soon too, but I've got a lot I need to figure out, Panda.About myself.I'm working on it.I'm going to take a shower and take a nap.I have to work tonight and things are just a mess.Love you."She waved and disappeared into her room.

 

Amanda sighed and then pushed herself off the couch.Damn it.She had to get through to JJ somehow.She felt her internalizing and pulling back more and more.She wasn't sure what to do.She walked into their bedroom where Niall was finishing getting dressed."Well, JJ's home."

 

"Yeah?Did she tell you where she was?"Niall asked looking up at Amanda.

 

"Yeah, she was with Harry."Amanda sat on the edge of the bed."Said they talked.Wouldn't tell me anything else."

 

"It's ok, Amanda.She's allowed.Time to have a little faith in her again.I think we've all questioned her maybe just a little too much lately."Niall said putting his arm around Amanda and watching her head lay on his shoulder.

 

"Yeah, even you.But maybe that's because she seems to need it, and no one wants to see her go back to the way she was."Amanda sighed."I hate this, Niall.I mean I'm glad she's talking to Harry, but she seems more confused."

 

"Well, babe, maybe things have to get worse, before they get better.She's got us.She knows that.Give her a little leeway."Niall said rubbing her arm.

 

"You just don't want to get yourself in trouble with her again.You skated by pretty easily this last time, so now you want to make sure you stay on her good side.Wimp."Amanda scolded him.

 

"You're not wrong.I don't want to get on her bad side again.I admit I was lucky and I don't want to have a second strike so quickly.I'm glad she's talking to Harry, but Princess, we need to allow them to figure it out.Be around, show her you're there to talk too, but don't push."Niall stated firmly.

 

"Yes, sir."Amanda said.She smiled and kissed his lips."I hate it when you use rationality on me.But I love you.I'm still going to try to get her to open up, at least a little.She needs someone to talk to."

 

"Maybe it's not us."Niall put his hands up in surrender when Amanda glared at him."Think about it.We're right in the middle of it.Maybe she needs someone not in the middle of it all."

 

"She will never trust someone fast enough to talk to them about this.You know that.By the time she feels someone out, it will be too late."Amanda shook her head at Niall.

 

"Yeah, maybe you're right.Give her some time.She's still going through quite a lot.And maybe it's Harry that will help her.Maybe she needs to figure out what it is that she feels for him.What she wants from him, before she can decide what to do.Faith, Amanda.Faith."Niall said kissing her again.


	23. Chapter 23

A few weeks had passed since the interaction between Julie and Harry in the beach house.  Per typical Julie, there had been no contact between the two of them since that evening.  It was now into March, and even interaction with Amanda and Niall was purposely being avoided.  Julie was so confused. The conflict going on between her head and her heart was at an all time high.  Staying busy and focused on other things was her best friend.  The less down time she had, the less she had to think about her feelings.  Even she knew she was digressing, but right now she didn't feel up to dealing with all of it.  She did concentrate on herself more, and there were things in the works for her personally; but of course no one, besides herself, knew anything about them.  As she finished emptying the bags and storing everything into the refrigerator, her phone rang.  "Hey, Panda.  I just finished putting all the groceries away.  I was going to check out everything and then leave."

 

"Hey, JJ, um, well, about that.  The snow storm seems to have closed everything down, and Niall and I aren't able to fly into Tahoe."  Amanda looked at Niall who gave her a surprised look.  She'd had Julie go ahead to Tahoe to make sure everything was set up for them, without telling Niall.  Amanda had thought it would be a nice surprise, so that Niall wouldn't have to do it when they arrived.  She was going to surprise him with their destination too, but she wasn't able to keep that secret for long.

 

"What?"  Julie asked.  It had been snowing pretty hard when she arrived about an hour ago, but not bad enough where things should be shut down.  She went to the window and opened the curtains.  She was met with nothing but a blanket of white.  You couldn't even see her rental car parked like 50 feet away.  "What the hell?  How am I supposed to get out of here?"

 

"Well, I'm guessing you're not.  From what I hear they've closed the roads leading down the mountain.  Please don't try.  It will be extremely dangerous."  Amanda advised.  "JJ?  JJ?"  Amanda looked at her phone.  Seemed the call dropped.  She looked over at Niall who had a concerned look on his face and was trying to make a phone call, she could tell he was getting frustrated as he couldn't reach whoever he was calling on the phone either.  "Niall?  What's wrong?"

 

Niall tried to get his call to connect one more time.  "Why didn't you tell me you were having JJ go ahead to Tahoe?"  He asked looking at Amanda.  He shook his head.  "Never mind.  I get it, seemed I had the same thought, because I asked Harry to go ahead and set things up.  Now I can't get ahold of him."  He tried again and then looked at Amanda.  "You know they are going to think that we set them up."

 

Amanda just stared at Niall.  "Are you serious?  I mean, I'm not going to deny it sounds like a good plan, and something I may have done, but that sure wasn't the plan.  JJ was supposed to be gone before we got there."  She tried to call JJ again, but the call wouldn't connect.  The snowstorm must be interfering with the cell towers.

 

Niall sighed.  "Yeah, same with Harry.  Now I can't get him on the phone.  I wonder if he got there."

 

"Well, he hadn't yet, or I would have gotten an earful from JJ as soon as she answered.I guess there's nothing we can do now, except go home and wait for the storm to pass so we can get there."

 

Niall couldn't help but chuckle.  "You're enjoying this now, aren't you?"  He asked as he stood up and took Amanda's hand to help her up.

 

"Well, it wasn't planned.  But now that we can't do anything about it, I hope Harry did make it, and they are able to work through some things."  Amanda replied grabbing her carry on and walking out of the airport hand in hand with Niall.

 

"Yeah, sure, or it could go really bad, and we both have our best friends hate us, forever."  Niall said opening the car door for Amanda.

 

"Yeah, well, JJ already hates us daily, remember?"  Amanda smiled at Niall.

 

Niall laughed and shook his head as he placed their bags back into the car.  "Yeah, not the same, Princess, not the same."

 

Julie tried to call Amanda back when she realized the call had dropped, but she had no signal at all.  She tried to get the weather updates, but no data would connect either.  She put on her winter gear and went outside to see if it would be possible to go anywhere.  You couldn't even see the tire tracks in the snow from when she parked.  She groaned to herself, grabbed her small bag from the car, and went back into the cabin.  At least she had grabbed some leggings and a sweater before she left.  She knew snow enough to know she could get wet and didn't want to be uncomfortable on the way home.  And now she was stuck here, in a place full of memories for her that she didn't want to remember.  Amanda had rented the same damn cabin they had last time.  Didn't she think it would be nice to change it up a little?  Julie wondered. She took her outerwear off and shook her head.  Of course not.  That would defeat the purpose for Amanda and Niall.  They were the happy couple.  This place would be full of welcome memories for both of them.

 

She walked into the bedroom she and Harry had shared out of instinct.  It was a mistake.  A big one.  She glanced around the room.  From the fireplace, to the bed, the doors leading outside, and even the wall.  They all had stories and memories.  She was ready to walk home in a blizzard to avoid these feelings, these memories.  No way was she staying in this room.  She closed the door and stymied the emotions that were trying to erupt out of her.  She walked across the living room and into the room Amanda and Niall shared.  She was going to be staying in here.  At least the memory of lying with Amanda and feeling her comfort was a good memory.  She tried not to think about the other things that would have definitely happened in that room.  She took a deep breath and shook her head.  Yeah, the couch, in the living area would be where she would be resting her head at night.  She changed quickly into her leggings, oversized sweater, and her fuzzy socks and went to the kitchen to make herself some hot chocolate.  She didn't need the extra caffeine coffee would bring.  At least she had fully stocked the groceries, that would last her quite some time.  She turned quickly and almost dropped her mug when the door opened.  When she saw the snow-covered person standing in the door way, she was shocked.  Ok, so she was, but then again she wasn't.  Damn it, Amanda!  Why was everything a set up?

 

Harry removed his gloves, hood and hat, and shook out his hair.  Damn, it was snowing hard.  He wasn't used to snow quite this bad.  He'd never been caught in an actual blizzard.  He saw the car and assumed Amanda and Niall had gotten here early.  When he picked his head up and looked at the person standing at the other end of the room staring at him, all he could do is stare back.  Julie?  What the hell was she doing here?  He hadn't heard from her in almost three weeks.  Now once again, he was standing here face to face with her unexpectedly.  Damn it, Niall.  Always going along with Amanda's crazy plans.  Oh, he could imagine what was going through Julie's mind.  She probably thought he had something to do with this.  Nope, not this time.  This is not a place he would have brought her.  Not if he wanted her to open up instead of closing off more.  He knew she would fight the memories in this place harder than any others.  Their time together here had been so special for them.  She wouldn't want to remember that.  Maybe further along in their reunion, it could have been a place to come, if that were ever to occur.  But not now.  He glanced over at the back of the couch and then back to her.  He clearly remembered the moment she realized he was here the the first time they came here, and her reaction to him.  It would be the total opposite today.  He still couldn't find any words to say.  He just stood there frozen.

 

"I'm not even surprised."  Julie said, breaking the overly awkward silence in the room.  She still stood there, as still as Harry did.

 

After a moment, Harry couldn't help but chuckle.  "Yeah, can't say that I am, either."  He unzipped his coat.  The snow was melting and dripping all over the floor.  "I didn't know.  I promise you."

 

Julie took a moment before she answered.  Her first instinct was to accuse him.  But she knew better.  "Yeah, I believe you.  Are the roads as bad as they say?  Amanda said everything was closed."

 

He hung his jacket and removed his boots.  He placed his travel bag towards the hallway to the bedroom and stepped a little further into the room.  "Yeah, they are bad.  I barely made it up here.  I had to get a ride from the main cabin in their plow because the car wasn't going to make it.  I should have been here sooner."

 

"So, we are snowed in?  Together?  Here?"  She asked.  She wasn't sure why she asked.  It was obvious to them both.  And he was as surprised as she was that they were both standing here.  She could read him.

 

"Yeah, seems like it.  Are Niall and Amanda almost here?"  He asked.

 

Julie shook her head as she walked into the kitchen.  "No, Amanda called; and before the call dropped, she said they couldn't fly into Tahoe.  Guess they closed the airport."  She set her mug down.  "Coffee, tea, or hot chocolate?"  He looked wet.  Chilled.  Snow had blown in when he opened the door.  What else was she going to do?  She looked at him when he didn't answer.  "Harry?"

 

Did she really ask him what he wanted to drink without getting angry with the situation?  He wouldn't have blamed her if she did.  "Tea, please.  Thanks."  He walked to the other side of the counter and sat on a stool.  "Do you think they did this on purpose?"  He asked watching her start the tea.

 

Julie took a deep breath before she answered.  Again, she wanted to be angry at Amanda and Niall for this.  It would make it so much easier.  But could she really just go with that?  "Oh, I'd like to blame them.  Just like I'd like to accuse you of knowing about this.  But I guess not even Niall nor you could conjure up a blizzard because you wanted to.  And if there wasn't a blizzard, I would have just left."  She grabbed a mug and a tea bag and set it on the counter.  She looked at him and shrugged.  "I guess even I can't be that unreasonable."

 

Harry couldn't help but smile at her.  "You?  Unreasonable?  I'd never say such a thing."

 

"Yeah.  I'm sure it's never crossed your mind.  What you all forget is I've lived with myself for a lot longer than any of you, and I probably drive myself more crazy then I drive anyone else.  I know my limitations.  I just don't like to admit them."  She brought the tea pot to the counter and carefully poured the hot water into the tea cup.  "I also know my tea making limitations, so the rest is up to you."  She put the pot back onto the stove, grabbed her mug and walked to the couch.  She sat in the corner and pulled her legs up.

 

Harry watched her pour the water and shook his head at her comments.  Well, he wasn't expecting much in the form of conversation, but he had gotten sass and humor and sarcasm.  Her.  He had gotten her.  He knew anyone on the outside would think he was crazy for loving that little bit of interaction just now, but he knew how important it was for her to accept what happened and not try and find blame elsewhere.  How important it was for her to shrug it off and be herself.  He finished steeping his tea and went and sat at the opposite end of the couch.  "Well, the tea is great.  Water was the perfect hotness."  He smiled at her.

 

"Really, Harry?"  She took a drink of her hot chocolate and fiddled with the cup in her hand.  "Um, so.  How are we going to work this, since we obviously can't leave?"

 

"Well, there are two bedrooms and two bathrooms.  But I think we're going to have to share the living room and the kitchen.  You think you can handle that?"  Harry asked sipping his tea and looking at her over his mug.

 

"No, but guess if you annoy me too much I can just throw you in the snow."  Julie said.  She looked at the door and saw a couple of grocery bags Harry had brought in.  "Guess we will have plenty of food.  I got a bunch, too.  Does any of that need to go in the fridge or freezer?"

 

Harry looked at the bags.  He had been caught so off guard he'd forgotten all about the bags of groceries.  "Shit.  Yes."  He set his tea down and got up.  He stopped Julie from getting up.  "I got it.  I can put it all away."  He grabbed the bags and went to the kitchen.  He wasn't mad about spending time with her.  He wanted to spend time with her, but this was awkward.  As he was putting things in the cupboards, he looked down the hallway toward the bedroom they'd spent so many great nights in.  He couldn't believe it was well over a year ago.  The memories were so detailed, so fresh in his mind.  This was the place so many things changed.  He knew she wouldn't want to sleep in that room.  Hell, he wasn't sure he wanted to.  Damn it, Niall.

 

Julie glanced over at Harry putting things away.  She watched him look towards the bedroom and pause putting the groceries away.  He was remembering also.  The things they'd talked about, the things they did.  This place was a turning point in their relationship in many ways.  She couldn't help but wonder if this was actually where it started to go wrong instead of getting better as they had thought.  It had been when she slowly started to gain her confidence, her self worth, her ability to handle things on her own.  It was when she started needing him just a little bit less.  And now here she was.  Having to relive all of it.  Back at this place.  Damn it, Amanda.

 

Harry walked out from the kitchen and sat back on the couch.  He took a slow drink of his tea before he spoke.  "So, um, I'm guessing you didn't pick the bedroom we were in last time."

 

"Actually.  I didn't pick either.  I figured I'd just take the couch."  She let out a breath.  "There are things about both bedrooms I'd rather not think about.  And right now, I'm not sure which is worse."  She said trying to joke.  It wasn't working.  At least not for her.

 

Harry chuckled lightly.  He knew what she meant.  She would never be comfortable thinking of others in those compromising positions.  "Yeah, I imagine you're having a hard time with those details, too."  He looked up and over at her.  "Can't say I really want to stay in that bedroom either.  The memories are a bit overwhelming."

 

"Yeah."  Julie took another deep breath.  Even the breathing exercises weren't enough to stop her heart from beating out of her chest.  "Overwhelming."  She didn't know what else to say.  So she tried to cover up her uncomfortableness by joking.  "I'm guessing the couch won't be big enough for the both of us to avoid contact.  So, flip a coin?  Or rock, paper, scissors, for the couch?"

 

Harry smiled at her briefly.  It faded just as quickly as it came.  "Yeah, well, I guess anything is better than you throwing me out in the snow."  He looked at her.  He studied her face.  She was looking down at her hands which were playing with the fabric at the bottom of her sweater.  "It doesn't matter.  I will stay in the room.  You should consider staying in the other one.  At least the bed will be comfortable."

 

"Yeah, guess will just see how it goes."  She got up and walked over to the window.  "It looks like we're going to have a while to figure it out."  The snow was coming down at an unbelievable rate.  And the wind was gusting so hard.  You couldn't even see a thing.  Nothing but white.  It would almost be beautiful.  On a regular day, she probably couldn't have waited to see how beautiful the deep fresh snowfall would be after the storm.  But now, she had to try to get through the memories of this place, with the exact person she was trying to forget.  Life sure had a cruel sense of humor.


	24. Chapter 24

The day was pretty quiet.  Both Julie and Harry silently wrote, throughout the day, bound to the cabin because of the snow.  The sun had now set, and the snow was still falling.  Julie turned on the couch to see Harry sitting at the counter, back towards her, concentrating on that writing journal he always had with him.  She knew he was working on songs all the time, but it had been awhile since she had seen him actually do it.  She looked back down at her notebook.  It was never as professional looking as his, but she was proud of some of the things that had come out of it.  She took a deep breath and got up.  She walked quietly behind him and hesitated.  She took a deep breath before she spoke.  "So, I will make you a deal."

 

Harry picked his head up and smiled when she spoke.  "Sounds intriguing.  What's the deal?"

 

"I will make a late dinner for us, if...." She stopped for a second.  Was she really going to do this?  She reached her arms around his shoulders from behind and set her notebook open to the page she was working on, on top of his.  "If you tell me what this is missing."  She had been working on a song for a while.  But no matter how hard she tried and how much she redid it, it just didn't seem to come together for her.

 

Harry froze when her arms came around his shoulders and the notebook ended up in front of him.  He didn't even respond.  He figured he should, but he felt shocked.  This was a big step in whatever type of relationship they had now.  After, he turned and watched her walk to the kitchen, watched her open the fridge and take out some items, he finally spoke.  "Yeah, sounds, perfect."  He watched her as she silently got a few things out of the cupboard and the cutting board.  "Julie?"

 

"Hmmm?"  She asked, keeping her back towards him.  She needed to be more open to asking for help, but this was still hard for her.  This song had been something she had been working on for a while.  Long before Harry and she had broken up, but she kept coming back to it.  Having him, or anyone for that matter, reading it now was kind of scary.  When he didn't say anything else, she turned around and looked at him.  "Harry?  What?"

 

"Sorry."  He laughed and shook his head.  "I just didn't expect this.  I just wanted to make sure before I read it, you were really ok with this."

 

"Funny."  She said shaking her head and pulling out the chicken breast from its wrapper.  "Yes, I'm ok with it.  Guess I gotta get used to it at some point, right?  And as much as I hate to admit it, I wouldn't trust many other people more than I trust you with it."  She put the chicken breast on the cutting board and cut it into small pieces.  "Hope a simple chicken stir fry is ok with you."

 

"Yeah, that sounds perfect."  He responded.  He watched her for a while first.  Cutting up the chicken and then chopping some vegetables.  He was dying to read what was in front of him, but he missed this simplicity with her.  When they'd had their quiet time together in the past, he would often write while she cooked, or they would cook together.  It wasn't often enough as far as he was concerned, but he longed for those days.  After a few more minutes, he finally focused on the notebook.  He would never cease to be amazed at her way with words.  He knew he wrote well.  And he was friends with some pretty amazing song writers, but her words ̶ they always seemed so much more to him.  He read through them, once, twice and then a third time.  He picked up his pen.  He had to put himself into her mindset.  When she was going through her healing, her progress.  He had to look into her thoughts at that time.  She was trying to believe in herself.  Trying to be forgiving, yet also trying to realize how strong she was.  "Dinner smells great."  He said looking up at her.

 

"Thanks.  But it's not that big a deal.  You've had this before."  She put the lite oil in the pan and then threw in the chicken.  She leaned against the counter.  "I'm thinking of having a glass of wine.  Would you like one?"

 

"Yeah, I think that would be great."  He tapped his pen on the notebook.  "I have a few ideas.  Not really changes, but a few additions.  Can I write them in the notebook?"

 

"Yeah, sure."  She didn't want to ask his opinion.  Ok, well, she did.  But she was afraid.  It was ridiculous how she felt.  She grabbed the bottle of wine from the fridge and two glasses.  White.  Her favorite.  She knew Harry preferred the red, but she learned the white went better with this meal, so he would drink it.  She poured two glasses and handed him one.  She took a sip.  "So, what do you think?  Is it worth the paper it's written on?"

 

"Julie, you know I think it's well worth it.  Any words you write, I enjoy.  Especially when you're open and honest.  And this is definitely that.  I have a sound in my head for it too.  Melody-wise.  Would you be up to hearing it?"  He picked up his wine glass and took a drink.  He had pictured the two of them doing this together before.  They'd just never gotten that far.  Now they weren't together, yet here they were, alone, stuck, and now working on writing, together.  So crazy. He smiled inwardly at the scene playing out before him.

 

"Yeah, just let me get the vegetables into the pan, and then you can show me everything."  She said.  She set her glass down and checked the chicken.  When it was done just enough, she put the vegetables in with the chicken.  She let it cook slowly to release the natural juices.  This was one healthy meal she actually liked.  She would let the chicken and vegetables cook for a while and then add some rice in later.  Simple, healthy, yet delicious.

 

"Perfect.  I'm going to sit on the couch.  Come over when you're ready."  He took the notebook and his wine and sat down.  This was something he wanted to make sure he got right for her.  He felt her climb on the couch and looked over at her and smiled.  "I honestly didn't add much.  Just a few words here and there.  And I switched a few things around."  He handed her the note book back.

 

Julie took the note book and sat back.  She took a deep breath and looked at it.  It was weird to see someone else's writing in that book.  But even reading through the first couple of changes it all made so much more sense.  It was exactly what it needed.  By the time she got to the end she knew she had made the right decision. She looked up from the notebook and smiled.  "It's perfect.  I didn't expect anything less though."

 

"You did it.  I just did a little updating.  It's a beautiful statement.  A beautiful sentiment.  Shows a lot of strength.  The same strength you showed standing up to him in Vegas."  He looked over at her.  He didn't have to say the name.  They both knew the He to which he was referring.  "That's when you started this, right?  Not long after that?"

 

"Yeah."  She kept looking at the page.  He knew so much about her.  About some of the most difficult and most important parts of her life.  It was comforting and frustrating at the same time.  "I'm trying, or at least I was. I'm not sure how good I am at it anymore, to be strong.  To realize I have more to offer than what he led me to believe, forever.  Everything changed, or at least until I took a hit, six months ago."

 

"Yeah.  Me.  I know what I did.  But, that doesn't convince me that you're not strong.  You continued to go through with your dream and succeed.  Even though you don't see it as much as the rest of us.  The songs you already have had recorded.  The words, the message.  Julie."  He shook his head.  "You hide, a lot.  But when you write.  It's honest.  It's true.  It's real.  It's you.  Parts of you I wish I would have been able to see long before I did."

 

"I think this is a conversation, we've had before.  When I write, I don't think about others reading it, just myself.  So, it's easier.  Talking about it, people reading it, or hearing it.  It's hard.  Especially those that know me.  You can put it all together.  You know what it's about and why I'm feeling that way.  That's scary."  Julie said.  She closed the notebook.  She set it down and rubbed her face.

 

"I wish it wasn't so scary to you.  It helps to get to know you.  Look, I get how it has to be hard for you to be open, with the way your past was.  How you feel like nothing you do is ever good enough.  But for us, for those of us who know you now, it's always good enough.  Whatever you do for yourself.  Whatever you feel is right for you."  He watched her get up and walk towards the kitchen.  "Julie, that even means if you tell me to bug off and that you don't want anything to do with me.  If that's how you want it.  Really want it."  He placed his arm on the back of the couch and turned so he could fully look at her.  He was pushing his luck; he knew it.  But there were things she just needed to accept.  Things she needed to hear.

 

"Yeah, I think I tried that."  She stirred the vegetables and poured some water and just a little chicken stock into the pan so that the rice could cook fully.  She added the rice as she finished her statement.  "You're still around."

 

"Yeah, well, maybe I wasn't convinced it was truly what you wanted.  I think it was here, last time, where I told you that I would leave if I thought it would be best for you.  That hasn't changed."  He watched her body language as she cooked.  She was stiff.  More so than she was before this conversation. "Julie.  We can't avoid these conversations forever."

 

"Um, yes we could.  It's easy."  She put the lid on the pan and turned towards him.  "You just don't talk about it."

 

"Listen, smart ass.  I get that.  Not what I meant."  He shook his head at her.  "Will there ever come a day when your sarcastic, smart mouth doesn't try to cover a serious conversation?"  He watched her raise an eyebrow at him and twist her lips.  "Oh, come on.  Even you know it's a mechanism you use to shut people down."

 

"Well, good for you Captain Obvious for pointing that out."  She crossed her arms.  "Of course it is.  This makes me so uncomfortable.  Some things seem so obvious to me and not one other person seems to see it.  Like what is talking about it in great detail going to solve?  For real?  Do you think bringing all this up is going to make me say, 'Hey, Harry, let's forget about the last six months and try again'?  Because I can assure you that's the last thing it's going to do.  Talking about it, just brings the details back, makes it worse.  Makes me want to walk through the blizzard to go home and get away from this."

 

"Yeah, well, I won't let you kill yourself in a blizzard to run from a conversation."  He patted the couch.  "We're stuck here.  This seems to be a place that makes you open up.  Let's just continue that trend."

 

"You're pushing your luck, Styles.  And I don't mean just a little."  Julie said.  She didn't know if she should go sit down or stay put where she was or go to the bedroom.

 

"Yeah, I knew that quite a while ago.  Come on.  Don't run."  He implored her once more to come to the couch.

 

"Fine.  But expect to do a lot of talking because I'm pretty much done."  She sat down and took a drink.  "Dinner should be ready in about 15 minutes.  At least if you're eating you can't bother me as much."

 

"Julie."  He groaned.  "Come on.  A half an hour ago you were telling me how you didn't trust many more than you trusted me."

 

"Don't make me regret it."  She said.

 

"You are so frustrating."  He shook his head.  When he saw her smirk, he shook his head again.  "No, it's not going to make me stop bothering you.  I'm used to you being frustrating.  It's part of your charm."

 

Julie rolled her eyes.  "You're an idiot."

 

"Yeah, you've called me that many times."  He smiled when she smiled.  "Someday, Julie, you will realize how much you mean to me.  No matter what we become.  You've changed my life.  You've opened my eyes up to a lot of things.  Someday, you will believe that you can change the world."

 

She lost her smile when he started getting so deep.  She was not good with receiving compliments.  "Stop."  She said sniffling.  He was going to make her cry, why did he always have to make her cry?

 

"No."  He said.  "Six months have gone by without me telling you how much you're worth and how great you are when you allow it.  Us being together as a couple has nothing to do with how I feel about that."  He took a chance and reached over and took her hand.  He brought it gently to his lips and kissed it.  "I will check dinner and make our plates.  I know you're going to be lost in that head for a bit."  He got up and went to the kitchen.  She meant the world to him whether or not they ever got back together.  He wasn't lying.  But man, he wished her stubborn ass would just give him a little opening, to let him show her how much, he himself, had grown since they broke up.

 

Damn him again knowing her so well.  She was all in her head.  Trying to process the words he said and trying to fight them at the same time.  She hated it when he used his knowledge of her and when he knew her reactions and her defenses before she even used them.  Frustrating wasn't even a strong enough word at the moment.  She got up with her wine when she heard Harry say dinner was ready and on the table.  She sat across from him.  "You know I hate you, right?  Like, seriously hate you?"

 

Harry chuckled as he sat down.  "You know I wouldn't have it any other way, right?"  He smiled and picked up his fork.  "This smells amazing, and I can't wait to see how it tastes."

 

"Yeah.  Sure."  She looked over at him.  "Must you use everything you know against me?  It's kind of not fair."

 

He took a bite and almost choked when he started laughing.  "What does that mean?  How is that kind of not fair?"

 

"It's just not."  She said taking a bite of her stir fry.  She put her hand up to her mouth.  It was still really hot.

 

Harry smiled.  He found everything she did cute.  The way she put her hand to her mouth when the food was too hot.  He wished he'd realized before he broke up with her, and broke her heart, how much those little things meant.  "It's completely fair, Julie.  Just shut up and eat your dinner."  He could see her fighting with herself not to tell him to fuck off or flip him off.  Yeah, he loved her.  What else could it be when he wanted her to do both those things.  He hoped she could allow herself to return that love again someday.  They could be so good together.

 

Back in LA, Niall couldn't help but laugh at Amanda pacing back and forth.  She hadn't been able to sit still since they arrived back home.  "Amanda, wearing a hole in the carpet is not going to stop the blizzard and allow us to get to Tahoe any faster.  Or bring the cell service back."

 

"Not funny, Niall.  And I know that."  Amanda stopped pacing for a second to address him but then started again once she did.  "I can't handle this not knowing what's going on.  Is she ok?  Are they ok?  Will their being stuck together in that cabin be ok?  Did JJ leave and try to walk home when he showed up and end up frozen in ditch somewhere?"  Amanda watched Niall laugh at her last comment and stopped pacing again and crossed her arms.  "Oh, come on.  Tell me that's not totally something her stubborn ass would do in a heart beat.  You know she would."

 

Niall laughed a little harder.  "Yeah, ok.  Her stubborn ass probably would try.  But Harry, bless him, no matter how frustrating she is, would never let her freeze in a ditch."

 

"Still not comforting."  Amanda said pacing again.  She pulled out her phone and even though the last hundred times she'd called all she had heard was a computer voice telling her the person she was trying to reach was unavailable, she would keep trying.  She hung up when she got the same message.  "What's the weather say again?"

 

"That it's snowing."  Niall said laughing again, shaking his head.  "Princess.  You gotta relax for a little bit.  You ask me about the weather every five minutes.  There's a blizzard.  It's supposed to last a while.  I promised you that we would get to Tahoe as soon as we can.  And we will.  You can't do anything for JJ if we're stuck in a ditch somewhere."

 

"Ugh, I know that, Niall.  Can't you just humor me?  Maybe just a little?"  Amanda pouted.

 

"How?  Exactly?  You want me to tell you I have an in with Mother Nature and I can call her and stop the blizzard?"  Niall stood up and went and wrapped his arms around Amanda to stop her from pacing.  "I'd do anything in my power, you know that.  But I can't change the weather."

 

"I know.  But, JJ.  We know how she is and how she reacts and how she's been.  And now I feel responsible in a way."  Amanda sighed and then wrapped her arms around Niall's shoulders.  "Look I want them to get along.  I want them to work out, whatever they have to work out.  But I'm not sure if the right thing is for them to get back together."

 

"That's not for us to decide, Princess.  That's completely up to them.  If they do, if they don't.  We have no say.  We just have to be there for them.  Both of them."  Niall said kissing Amanda's head.  "They have a lot to work through.  Especially together.  You know as well as I do there are things, or more specifically, people standing in their way that they have to deal with too."

 

Amanda glared at Niall and then sighed.  "Kendall and Zayn."  When Niall nodded she continued.  "This may seem like I'm sticking up for JJ and not taking Harry's feelings into consideration, but I don't think he has any right to bring Zayn up anymore.  JJ's made it clear, more than once, that she was never with Zayn like that."

 

"But you think it's ok for JJ to hold Kendall over Harry's head?"  Niall asked.

 

"Oh, he did that himself.  The whole world knows what he and Kendall did over New Year's.  And as wrong as it is, the leaked photos of them together made it worse.  If JJ sees those.  It's just going to make it even worse."

 

"Harry's never denied New Year's with Kendall."  Niall said.  "He made a mistake."  When Amanda stepped back and glared at him he tried to back track a little.  "A bad choice?"  When she cocked her head at him he tried one more time.  "Ok, he fucked up.  Majorly.  But they weren't together, and he thought what he thought."

 

"Yeah, not a good explanation Niall.  Let's stop talking about it now before we start to argue over it."  She shook her head.  "Call and see if we can fly into Tahoe yet."

 

From the tone of her voice, Niall knew that he best just do as she asked.  He called and was told they could get into the airport on the Southend of the lake, but most likely wouldn't be able to get to the Northend until the weather cleared, and the roads were plowed.  He booked the flight.  The closer he could get Amanda to JJ right now the better.  He'd learned his lesson from Paris.  When Amanda thought JJ needed her, there was no standing in the way.

 

You all have been amazingly patient!!Hopefully things slow down a bit for updates a little more often!!The holiday season is always a busy time!I hope you all have a very happy holidays!Let's look forward to an even better 2018!!Thank you once again for taking the time to read my words!And the crazy things that come from this brain of mine.Thank you thank you thank you!


	25. Chapter 25

Julie woke with a start.It had to be the middle of the night, but she couldn't see a thing except for the low glow of the fireplace on the other side of the room.The clock on the night stand was completely dark.She reached over and felt for the switch on the lamp.She turned it, but nothing happened.Great.No electricity.This snow storm was really getting on her last nerve.She could feel the chill too.She wondered when the power went off and how long the heat had been off.She reached over for her phone and jumped again when the door opened.She let out a relaxing breath when she realized it had to be Harry.She saw the light from his phone and then him peek his head in."Power's out, I take it?"She asked.

 

"Yeah, it went out a couple of hours ago.Sorry to bother you, but the fireplace in my room isn't staying lit.I was just wondering if you had a few extra pieces of wood so I could relight the living room one.It's freezing."Harry asked taking a step into the room.He saw her fire was awful low, so he went over and put another log on the coals."You don't have much either.And the wood I grabbed from outside is still wet."

 

"I bet your vent is blocked by all the snow.That's the way the wind was blowing it."Julie watched him put logs on the fire for her and then stand there warming his hands.She looked at the few remaining logs and back at him.If he took even most of those logs trying to heat the living room and kitchen to a warm enough temperature to sleep comfortably, it would be really hard.She sighed and shook her head.She looked up at the ceiling and said under her breath the same as she did when it started raining after Niall and Amanda's engagement party as she walked to the hotel, 'well played, well played'.She reached over and pulled the blankets down from the other side of the bed.

 

Harry nodded and looked at her as she talked about his vent being blocked."Such a little nature girl."He joked.He watched her look at the ceiling and heard her sigh.He stood there and stared when she pulled the blankets back on the other side of the bed.He looked from the bed, to her face.

 

Julie shrugged."There's no other option. Rational thinking makes it obvious there isn't enough dry wood right now to heat the living room and kitchen.This room is still relatively warm; and with the door shut, what we have left should make due until the other wood dries.You look really cold.So, put another log on the fire, and then, come to bed."

 

Harry wrinkled his brow.She just rationalized this whole situation in a couple of seconds and invited him into her bed.Was this the twilight zone?Was he in an odd dream?Was he going to wake up and be disappointed and find out this whole Tahoe thing was just some dream he was having?He shook his head when he heard her say, 'well, if you'd rather freeze your ass off, then you don't have to'.He laughed."No, you're right.It's just, I never thought..."He started as he bent down and picked up a log.

 

"Yeah, I never thought I'd be inviting you into my bed either.But it makes sense.And I guess I don't really want to be responsible for Harry Styles freezing or getting pneumonia when I could help prevent it."She moved a bit more to her side of the bed and watched him place the log into the fire.The memories.Again.Would she ever get over this man?Did she want to?She shook her head.Holy hell, that thought came way too quickly.This place was going to be the death of her.At least her sanity.

 

"Gee, thanks.When you put it like that, how could I resist?"He rolled his eyes and walked over to the opposite side of the bed.He slid his slippers off and climbed under the covers, shivering.God, he was so cold.He had put on an extra sweater and an extra pair of pants. He wasn't quite ready to take them off yet.He pulled the covers up to his chin."I never knew how much I would miss heat."

 

"Oh, you are so not a winter boy."Julie laughed.She could feel the coldness radiating off of him though."You are pretty cold though.I can feel it."

 

"Yeah, you're not.I can feel the heat.So, thanks."He rolled onto his side and looked at her.The fire was bright enough now that he could see her silhouette."Seriously.Thank you.This isn't what I expected when I came in bugging you.But it's definitely the best idea I've ever heard.And yes, I know I'm a wimp when it comes to the cold."

 

"No, it's really cold.Even my Midwest born self can feel it."She looked over at him."Nothing could possibly surprise me right now.It's been like a comedy of errors since I agreed to come and set things up here.I didn't see the point, but you know Panda."

 

"Yeah, same, Niall was persistent.So, figured since I didn't have any plans I could manage.Now, it's been one of the most interesting trips I've ever taken."He smiled at her even though she was back to looking at the ceiling."Thanks again.Good night, Julie."

 

"Good night, Harry.Hope you stay warm."She rolled onto her side, her back towards him and closed her eyes.She wasn't sure how well she would sleep, but she sure was going to try.

 

Harry watched her roll away from him.It didn't matter.In less than 24 hours she had shown him her writing, asked him to help her, talked to him, and now he was lying in bed with her.If it was a dream, he hoped he didn't wake up.Ever.He closed his eyes with a smile on his face.

 

Harry woke up, what he assumed was hours later.It looked like it could possibly be getting light outside the curtains.The room seemed a little lighter.He felt a slight pressure on his chest and looked down.He smelled the hair first.Green apple shampoo, and then he saw her head on his chest.She was curled up to him.Her left hand lay on his chest ever so gently, just below his chin.He couldn't help but put his hand over hers.It was freezing.He hadn't even noticed until now, but the room was much colder.He looked over at the fireplace, and there were barely any glowing embers left.It must be day time.Which meant it seemed so dark because there were still clouds.He wondered if it was also still snowing.He should go put more logs on the fire.He didn't want to move though.He felt so comfortable just the way they were.Her curled up to his body.He knew it only happened because she was freezing, but right now, he didn't care.He could pretend it was because she wanted to be close to him.Once again, he pushed aside what he wanted.He knew he needed to get up and warm the room.He gently slid out from underneath her head and gently laid her head and hand on the bed.He didn't get two steps when he heard her.

 

"Where are you going?"Julie said sleepily.She barely could open her eyes.She felt so tired.She pushed herself up a little and looked over at him blinking her eyes sleepily.She then realized where she was in the bed.And then that she'd woken up because he'd moved from underneath her head."Sorry, I didn't mean to..."She thought about how to say it."Hog the bed."Yeah, smooth.But, that was her.

 

Harry smiled.She was so cute when she got frustrated."Just to put more wood on the fire.You're freezing.And can't say I'm all that warm myself."He put a couple of logs on the fire and then came back and picked up his phone."It's 9:15. I guess the power isn't back on yet.If I can somehow manage, would you like a hot cup of tea?"

 

"It's a gas stove.If you use a lighter, you should be able to light a burner.And yes, I would love one.Thank you."She said pushing herself up a little more.She didn't want to get out of the covers, but she had to use the bathroom.She took the covers off herself and swung her legs off the bed.When her feet hit the floor, she felt it."Shit.It is freezing.I hope some of those logs dried out."She got up and walked towards the bathroom.

 

"I will check while I'm making the tea.I will bring everything back here.So just climb back in bed when you're done."He said as he opened the door.The cold air hit him right in the face when he did."Yeah, it's definitely colder out here.I will see what I can do."He walked out to the front.He went and put some water on the stove and lit the burner as she'd suggested.Harry worked quickly.He put the pot on the stove and started the tea cups.He grabbed some yogurt, fruit and granola and put it on a tray.He went and checked the logs.They were so cold that he couldn't tell if they were still wet or not.He grabbed an armful and took them back to Julie's room."I'm not sure if they are dry.So, we better bring them in here to warm up.I'm not sure if they are wet, or just so cold I can't tell the difference.He made a few trips and piled the logs by the fire.He then went and made the tea and put it on the tray with the light breakfast and carried it back into the room."I hope you don't mind I climb back in the covers, too."

 

"No, not at all.Thank you.Sorry I sent you out into the cold kitchen all by yourself."She picked up her mug and wrapped her hands around its warmth."Oh, this is great. Thank you."She took a sip and felt the warmth travel through her chilled body."It's perfect, actually."

 

Harry took a sip of his tea and smiled."Would have been better if it was coffee though, wouldn't it?"

 

Julie smiled and took another sip."Yes, of course.But this is really good.And it sure feels good in the cold."She set it down and picked up a grape and ate it."Thank you again."

 

"Of course, and oh about sending me into the cold kitchen by myself, maybe you can make it up to me later."He grinned at her and ate a grape himself."Lunch is on you."He winked at her.

 

Julie groaned."You're such an idiot."

 

"My new goal.I think I can get you to call me an idiot multiple times a day."He winked at her again and when she slapped his shoulder, he laughed out loud.

 

"Yeah, that won't be hard for you to do."She picked up her yogurt added some granola and blueberries."I'm sure it can happen.Often."

 

He laughed again and then ate his yogurt.When they were done, he took the tray and set it on the table beside the bed."Did you have enough?"

 

"Yes.Thank you.And I will make lunch.But you have to light the burners for me if they don't have power back on."Julie said.She finished her tea and lay back onto her pillows."I think it would be a great day to stay in bed all day and take all the covers from everywhere and place them on the bed."

 

"Of course, anything to help.And yes, that sounds good.But I have never known you to be able to stay still for that long."He lay back on his pillows and clasped his hands behind his head.

 

Julie narrowed her eyes at him and then grabbed a pillow from behind her and smacked him with it."Damn it, Harry.Why are you giving me such a hard time?"

 

Harry laughed and then put his hands up to defend himself against another smack from the pillow."I forgot how much fun it was, and how violent you were."

 

"I'm not violent."She scrunched her nose and put her pillow back behind her head."You're lucky it's only a pillow."

 

"Very."He laughed again and clasped his hands behind his head again."Ok, it's warming up a little in here.But not enough."

 

"Yeah.I agree."Julie said curling up and pulling the blankets tighter against her."Can I officially say that I hate Niall and Panda right now?They should be here freezing their asses off."

 

Harry looked over at her.He didn't hate them.He was grateful right about now.This was the best they'd gotten along in a long time.And they were talking, and getting through some things.She opened up to him willingly.She was being playful, and he still could read her.Know most of her actions before she did them."Yeah, you can.I feel ya."

 

"Yeah, I'm sure."She shook her head and looked over at him."You're loving every part of this, aren't you?"

 

"Besides the cold.I can't complain."He shrugged.He wouldn't deny it.He was caught completely off guard when she scooted over and curled up to him again.He dropped his arm around her and pulled her closer to him.She really was cold.

 

"Well, don't get used to this.But I am very cold.And you're better than freezing to death.I mean, I guess you are."She said.She moved as closely as she could.When he wrapped his arm down around her she second guessed herself for a while.But she really was cold.And his body heat helped keep her warm.

 

"Thanks for thinking I'm better than dying from hypothermia."Harry chuckled and pulled the blankets tighter around them both.He rubbed her arm up and down gently.Not long after that he felt her breathing even out, and she was asleep.He hoped this was a start to better things to come for the both of them.Ok, so this started out as something he wouldn't have wanted.Not having her here.A place where there were so many deep memories, but it had turned into a great memory itself.People would think he's crazy, but damn he missed her.Her sassy sarcastic ass.He leaned his head against hers and before he knew it he fell asleep with her.

 

Amanda and Niall had finally made it to the cabin.They started at the south end and slowly made their way to the north end and up the mountain.It was a slow go, and Niall had to pull quite a few strings and use quite a few contacts, but he managed.When they got to the main cabin, the owners told them that the power was out, but they hoped to have it fixed by that night.They got a ride to the cabin and the owner had given them some kerosene heaters to bring in with them.

 

"Geez, all this snow is incredible."Niall said as he got out of the plow truck and helped Amanda down.They each carried a heater into the cabin.It was still snowing. but not hard anymore.He'd never seen so much snow.

 

"Yeah, it's incredible."Amanda rubbed her hands over the sleeves of her jacket."Damn, it's cold in here.I wonder why they don't have a fire going in here."She said as she walked further in.She looked around and saw Harry's jacket and boots hanging by the door next to JJ's.She didn't have a doubt he was there, because he would have been in touch with Niall if he hadn't gotten there, but she needed that confirmation.She needed to get here because what if JJ was alone.In a blizzard with no service.Ok, so JJ probably would have been fine and able to handle it, but she couldn't.Not thinking of her all alone.And then she also thought about Harry being here and JJ and him not getting along.It being tense and complicated.Amanda didn't want that either.She just needed to be here.

 

"Hey, the owners turned on the small generator.They said it's enough to keep the fridge on and use an appliance at a time if needed.They said if we try to run the toaster and the coffee maker at the same time it probably wouldn't work."Niall said."Yeah.You're right.It's freezing.Let's stick two of these heaters on each end of the living room for now.I'm guessing the fireplaces in the bedrooms would be enough.Niall set his heater up and turned it on and then watched Amanda turn on hers."I don't know why Harry didn't start a fire in here.Seems weird.They both can't still be asleep.It's after noon."

 

"I'm sure JJ probably made it clear to him they had opposite ends of the cabins to spend time in.And as you said, the fireplaces are probably enough for the rooms if you keep the door shut."Amanda said.She looked at the fireplace."There doesn't seem to be any wood.Maybe they have really spent all their time in separate bedrooms.I'm guessing, if I know JJ, that she wouldn't be staying in Harry's and her room from last time.So you go check on him in there, and I will check on JJ in our room."

 

Niall laughed."Yeah, for someone who swears no one understands her, we sure know her pretty well, don't we?"He walked towards Harry's room.

 

"Yeah, just don't tell her she's wrong.It's not hurting anyone for her to believe otherwise."Amanda laughed as she walked in the opposite direction.

 

Niall knocked on the door."Harry?"He said.When he didn't hear anything he opened the door slowly and peaked his head in."Hey, I didn't mean to...". He started.The room was freezing.And there was no Harry in the bed.There was no one in the room.Huh.Weird.He shut the door and wondered where he could be.He walked towards Amanda and saw her standing in the door way.Still as could be."Amanda?"He called out."What's going on?"

 

"Shhhh...". Amanda said.Putting her finger to her lips."I'm guessing Harry wasn't in the room."She whispered to him.

 

"No."Niall whispered back."How did you know that, and why are we whispering?"He asked her curious.

 

"Just look."Amanda whispered stepping aside.

 

Niall stepped into the doorway."Well I'll be damned."He said.He knew Amanda would have a grin on her face.Even if she had said to him she didn't think Harry and JJ should get back together.Or she didn't think it was best they did.She would be loving this.Harry and JJ cuddled together in the middle of the bed.JJ on his chest, Harry's arm wrapped snuggly around her.Sound asleep.

 

"I was SO not expecting this."Amanda whispered shaking her head."And I found all the wood."She nodded towards the fire place.The wood was stacked neatly beside it."Looks like they are doing just fine."

 

"Yeah, see, you worry for nothing."Niall said.He rubbed his shoulder when Amanda backhanded him."What?"

 

"You didn't expect this either.Please don't be daft."Amanda scolded him.

 

"Not daft.I just knew they would do what they had to do.Gotta admit they do look pretty warm."Niall chuckled as Amanda shook her head again.Amanda turned to look at the bed when she heard JJ's voice.

 

"Could you two please take your loud asses somewhere else to have this discussion?We're trying to sleep here."Julie said sleepily."And yes, it's freezing.And it was much warmer under the blankets together in the same bed with a working fireplace.Harry's wasn't working."She sat up and looked over at Harry when she felt him move."Sorry, you know how much gibber and gabber like to talk.Can't even let anyone sleep."

 

Harry was disappointed Niall and Amanda were there.He was hoping for another day of just them being together.Another day to work on her trust of him.But he couldn't show it.He didn't want to hurt Niall and Amanda's feelings.Or make Julie think he was trying to push her too much."Yeah, we all know that."He said."Glad you made it safely."

 

"It wasn't easy.They still don't want people traveling on the mountain.Niall pulled some strings."Amanda said."So, JJ, don't think you can just run now.It's not safe."

 

"Oh, so Niall can pull strings to get you here, when it's not safe.But he can't pull strings to get me off the mountain, cuz it's not safe?"Julie said shaking her head."Nice try, Panda."

 

"Oh, come on.Just stay.I'm sure in a day or two the snow will be cleared, and you can go home safely.We got heaters, and the generator is on so we can work the fridge.We have each other."Amanda conjoled. "Come on.I have my best friend, and Niall has his."

 

Niall just looked at Harry and they both shrugged at each other.Whatever the girls wanted.Seemed to always end up that way."Yeah, come on.We can all cuddle together if it remains too cold.But they said the power should hopefully be back on tonight."

 

"Whatever."Julie said.And to everyone's surprise she lay back down and curled back up to Harry. 

"What?"She asked when she felt everyone's eyes on her."It's fucking freezing."

 

Everyone laughed.That was their JJ.But she wasn't wrong.It was freezing.Niall went and threw a couple more logs on the fire as Amanda took her jacket off and climbed under the covers next to JJ.After he stoked the fire, Niall removed his jacket and crawled in behind Amanda.Even he had to admit he'd missed this.The four of them together.It may have come about in the most unconventional way.But it was nice.Well, it would be while it lasted.It wasn't long before everyone was warm and asleep.


	26. Chapter 26

Amanda helped JJ wash the last of the dishes and put them away.The four of them had a nice dinner together.Cooking was a bit of a challenge with just the stove top and lighting each burner individually, but it was kind of nice working it out together.

 

Amanda found herself, as usual, watching JJ and Harry throughout dinner.Things seemed a bit more relaxed between the two of them.Seemed JJ even accepted Harry's help through the night.They smiled, and laughed, and joked together.Maybe Tahoe just had that magic."So, what are we going to do now?"She asked as the girls walked to the couch where the boys were.She sat on the arm of the couch by Niall and put her arm around him.

 

Niall put his arm around Amanda's waist and then reached up and kissed her."Have something in mind, Princess?"

 

Julie rolled her eyes and shook her head."Yeah, you both need to go to your room."She looked at Harry who looked back at her."Yeah, this is not something I would have planned, or asked for, but maybe you should go start a fire in the room we used last time.Guess that's where we're staying."

 

Harry couldn't help but smile.When Julie tilted her head at him, he just shrugged."What?Would you like me to pretend I'm disappointed?"

 

"Shut up."Julie said."I'm going to get my bag from Amanda and Niall's room.Now that they're here thinking about what they've done in that room is too much for me."She turned on her heel and went to grab her bag.She took a deep breath as she got to the room her and Harry had slept in together.She was tired of fighting the pull she had towards him.But she wasn't quite ready to give in.She always had these constant struggles between her heart and her head.Last time, with Harry she'd let her heart take over for the first time in a long time.It had done nothing but cause her pain in the end.She was reluctant to let her heart take over this time.Damn him for being so damn kind and sweet.Why couldn't he stay the jerk he had been when he broke up with her and when he first came back to LA.When he went to Kendall.If he could do that, she'd have no problem pushing him aside.But no, he was kind, and compassionate, and thinking of her first.She sighed and picked up her bag.This decision wasn't as easy as she made it seem.

 

Harry watched Julie walk towards what was now going to be Amanda and Niall's room again."She's not as comfortable with this as she's letting on, is she?"He asked as he stood up.

 

"I imagine she's not."Amanda said standing up off the couch."But the last thing I'm going to do is question her decisions.I don't want to put it in her head.I'm afraid I'll make her think even harder about it."

 

"Yeah, but I don't want her to feel pressured either."Harry countered.He started to laugh."Damn, she's complicated."

 

"I'm not as complicated, as you all think."Julie said coming out of the room."You know, every time I leave a room, you don't have to talk about me."She put the bag up further on her shoulder."So, I'm guessing you haven't started the fire in the room yet?"She raised her eyebrows at Harry."Seriously, let's stop plotting.It is what it is, and that's what I'm going with.You want me to run?Keep questioning everything behind my back."She shook her head and mumbled under her breath."I'll start the damn fire myself."She turned and walked towards the bedroom.

 

"Oops."Harry said laughing."Well, at least she's acting like the girl we know and love.I better go start that fire."

 

Niall shook his head and got up."Well, just remember it was you who wanted to get here so fast.JJ's much more likely to fight Harry now."He said to Amanda as he went to make sure everything was locked up and closed off for the night.Harry had grabbed one of the heaters on his way back to the bedroom, and Niall grabbed the other.Wouldn't be safe to leave them on in the living room with no one there.

 

"What's that supposed to mean?"Amanda asked laughing as she walked into their bedroom with Niall.

 

"It means she was caught off guard.And then the power and heat went out and she had to think rationally.Now you're here.That means she's got her comfort back.Means she now will fall back in her guard."He looked at Amanda."You really don't see it, do you?"When Amanda crinkled her eyebrows and frowned at him, Niall continued."You're her safety net.When she has you, she knows she's always going to be safe, protected.Someone always on her side.Which of course is a good thing, mostly.But sometimes, it stops her from going to and opening up to others."

 

"Come on, Niall.It's not that bad."Amanda said shaking her head.

 

"Like I said.It's not always bad.But sometimes maybe you should lengthen the distance to the safety net.Let her fall just a little bit further before you jump in and save her."

 

"Niall.You're pushing your luck.You know better than to start in on JJ's and my relationship.I'm going to support her.So, now you're saying I should just let her fall.Not show her she has support no matter what?Even if I disagree with her, I'm still going to support her."Amanda crossed her arms in front of her and set her feet.

 

Niall watched Amanda set herself in front of him.Typical pose when she was on the defensive.She was so damn cute when she went into protective mode.He walked up to her and put a hand on each elbow and couldn't help but laugh."Listen, you know I'm all for your friendship with JJ.Crazy as it might be.And I know you have all the best intentions.But sometimes they don't do as much good as you intend.Sometimes, it gives her an excuse to lock herself back up.Sometimes, she needs to see she can be her own safety net.And sometimes, she needs to learn she has others who can also be a safety net for her."

 

"But she has me, Niall, and I'm not sorry that she knows that."Amanda still stayed rigid.She was tired of defending her relationship with JJ.Her protectiveness.

 

"That's not what I'm saying.It's me, Amanda.I know everything.I don't fault you for protecting her.I'm just saying, that maybe, you could give her a little room to maneuver before throwing out the net.Let her see what she can do.Because you know her, and you know what she's capable of, more than anyone."He rubbed his hands up and down on her arms and felt her slowly start to relax.

 

"I know it's you.I still wonder why you question our friendship all the time.JJ and I will always have something a little different than most friendships.She trusts me as much as she will ever trust anyone.And by damned if I'm going to break that trust when I feel she needs it most."Amanda advised.She did relax and uncross her arms though.

 

"I know.Just an observation.You know she's strong, I just wanted you to see it."He leaned down and kissed her lips."You know I think your protective streak is hot."He laughed loudly when she swatted at him.

 

"Niall!"Amanda swatted at him but couldn't help but giggle."We were having a serious conversation here.And I was wholeheartedly disagreeing with you."

 

He smirked and then moved to kiss the side of her neck."Yeah, but I said my piece, made my point, so, now we're moving on to other things."He nipped one side of her neck and then moved to the other."Now that we're alone in here, I seem to recall in great detail some of the things that went down in this room."

 

"Oh god."Amanda groaned as Niall attacked her neck."So do I.Way to work your way out of that."She tilted her head back when he went to the front of her neck and ran his hand over her lower back pulling her closer to him.

 

"I think we need a repeat."He ran his hand under her shirt and worked on the clasp of her bra.Should we start with the wall? Or the bed?Or in front of the fireplace?Maybe the whirlpool bath?It's so hard to choose."

 

"Oh my god."Amanda laughed."I mean, I sort of remember trying to take control during that time.Especially on the wall."

 

"Yeah well, not today."Niall said picking her up and when she wrapped her legs around his waist he walked her over to the bed."I'm making love to my fiancé.And she's gonna let me."

 

"Oh she is?"Amanda asked scooting back on the bed while Niall climbed up over her.

 

"Yes."He said before his lips aggressively attached themselves to hers.The memories he had, they had, of this place are what he wanted to recall.Remember.Feel.And that's what he was doing.And trying to show her.So many things had happened.But this was one place he would remember fondly for life.He grinned at her after the kiss and removed her clothing quickly.

 

Damn this man.He was distracting her quite well from what he'd started, but who cared.Her head fell back hard onto the pillow when his mouth found her ready.He knew exactly what to do to to make her feel amazing every time they were together.The rest of the night was filled with back and forth between the two of them until they passed out exhausted from the nights exploits.

 

Harry walked into the bedroom and set the heater down, plugged it in and turned it on.He stood and watched Julie at the fire.Of course she had the fire going and was standing up to put more logs on it."Good to see you're still self sufficient."He said as he stepped further into the room.

 

"Yeah, imagine a woman who can manage herself stuck in the cold.But you already know if we were stuck in a blizzard I'd be the one to keep us alive."She said as she placed the last log into the fire.

 

"Well, I won't argue with you there."He walked up and stood next to her."It's still pretty damn cold in here, huh?"

 

Julie patted his chest as she turned and walked to her bag."I've been in here like two minutes.I'm good.But I'm not that good."She grabbed her notebook and a blanket and sat down in front of the fire."Just gonna sit here until it warms up a little."

 

Harry smiled as she walked away.She was such a smart mouth and so sarcastic.But, he knew that was a good thing.She didn't let that side show when she was uncomfortable.He'd take every smart ass remark she made."Sounds like a plan.I will join you."He grabbed his journal and sat down near her, but far enough away that she wouldn't think he was crowding her.They were there quite awhile.He watched her more than he wrote.He set the book down, and when she didn't notice, he leaned back on his hands."Can I tell you something?"When she set her pen in her book and closed it, slowly raising her eyes to his, he continued."Something that only a couple of people know."

 

"I mean, I guess.If you want to."Julie set her book aside and clasped her hands in her lap.

 

"Well, I wouldn't have brought it up if I didn't want to."He shook his head and chuckled at her."Since I've been in LA, I've been auditioning for a movie role.And I found out recently that I've gotten a part.It's a Christopher Nolan film.About the battle of Dunkirk.Based on a true story.Have you heard of it?"

 

Julie thought about it."I've heard of it, but don't know much about it.Wasn't a big thing taught in history class here in the US."She looked up into his eyes and smiled."I'm not surprised though.Anything you really want and put your mind to, you accomplish.You work hard at everything, and you're an annoyingly good perfectionist."She shook her head."That's amazing.Christopher Nolan.For your first film.Even I know that's incredible."

 

Harry couldn't help but smile ear to ear.Just to hear her say that felt amazing.Boosted his ego."Only my manager and mum know at this point.I haven't told anyone else."From the moment he found out the news, he'd wanted to tell her.But he figured a random call out of the blue saying, 'hey, I just got a movie role', would have seemed odd.He knew he could trust her though.Knew she wouldn't tell a soul.

 

"Well, I'm honored that you told me."She took her hand and pushed his shoulder."I'm proud of you.Going out of your comfort zone and doing this.And getting such an amazing movie straight away.I admire you.I wish I was able to do that."

 

"Thank you.It means a lot."He looked at her and tilted his head."Who says you couldn't?"

 

"Look what you did.And again, I'm not surprised.You have so much drive and confidence.You know what you want, and you go for it.And you work so hard to get it.And I would never doubt you, no matter what you went after.It's like you're not even scared.How do you do that?"

 

Harry shook his head."You're wrong.I am scared.I get nervous just like everyone else.But where would I be if I let nerves stand in my way?I've learned I just can't let them stop me.Work through them.Do what you can, and do the best you can.And when you do, whether you succeed or fail, you can't go back and regret not doing it.You could, too.You have that stubborn determination.Amanda's said it from the moment we met you, that whatever you set your mind to, you accomplish.I've seen it."

 

"Hardly.Not the things I've really wanted.I let them get pushed away because of fear.Like writing.I let Johnny take that from me.Because I was scared of his reaction.I never believed I was good enough."She said looking into the fire.

 

"Julie, that's different.That's a circumstance that's extremely unusual.You have people that believe in you more than you believe in yourself.We've seen what you're capable of."He said sitting straight up and imploring her to look back at him."I wish someday you would believe in yourself the way we believe in you."

 

"Well, if we're sharing things.I have something to share, too.I haven't told anyone.It's not a Christopher Nolan movie, but I guess it's my shot.I sent some writings to a publishing company.They were looking for writers for this new program they're starting.It's like a mentorship or internship that pays some.They put you in classes to learn more about the fundamentals and basics of writing."

 

"Julie.That's amazing!"Harry said.He grabbed her hand and pulled on it so she looked at him.When he saw her face he knew."You're not going to take it are you?Why?!!"

 

"I couldn't work at the hospital and do this program.There's no way.And it doesn't pay enough to take care of a place to live and normal day to day bills.It's set up more for someone who doesn't need a full income to support themselves.Someone who's already in college or only needs it as a second income.It's not practical.Plus if I fail, then what do I do?I can't leave a steady job for a pipe dream."

 

"Don't do that.That's not you talking, that's your past.You have friends, and you have support.I've heard Niall say you are welcome to stay at his house as long as you wanted.And I know Amanda's been trying to convince you to stay.You have resources available to you.Use them."Harry said to her.He knew this would take convincing.Practicality had been preached to her over and over again; she didn't feel she could reach for her dreams."Take a leap, Julie. Just once.You could be surprised."

 

"It's too scary."She pulled her hand from his and stood up."I don't know how you do it, but it petrifies me to try it and fail.It literally gives me anxiety to think about it.And then I see you.Accomplishing so much because you're able to work past everything.You make it seem so easy.And as much as I admire it, I'm jealous of it, too."

 

Harry stood up and stepped in front of her before she started pacing."Being scared is ok.Remember?It's how you work through it and deal with it that matter."He put his hands on her upper arms."I know it's harder for you than for others, because of your past.But don't let fear stop you."

 

Julie looked up at him.He was trying so hard to encourage her.To make her feel like chasing her dreams was a good thing, not a pipe dream.But she couldn't help but fear it.What if she did?What if she chased her dream and failed.Then what?Would she hate it?Would the one escape, the one thing she held close and near to her heart, become something she no longer wanted to do?Then what?She would have no job, no dream, and no direction. That petrified her."It's too risky.It is scary.Harry, it could ruin everything.Maybe I'm not the best nurse in the world.I'm not Amanda, who fits into that job so well.I'm good though.I work hard, I learn, and I save lives.And it pays well.It's practical.And it serves its purpose.And it's not a bad job.It's just not my dream job.If I do this, and if I fail, then I lose all faith in my writing, too."

 

"Just because you failed once doesn't mean you should quit."He ran his hands down her arm and took her hands.He led her to the bed and sat her in the edge.He sat next to her but never let go of her hands."You just sending in something for this opportunity is a big step for you, and I'm proud of you for that.But to turn down an offer for something that you want, Julie, please.Think about that.They obviously saw something to offer you one of these positions."

 

"I know.Part of me believes that.That they saw something so I should go for it.But the practical side, the adult side, tells me not to leave something that's more than acceptable as a career, for something so unstable, for something questionable."

 

"If I didn't take a chance, if Niall didn't, or any of us.Then One Direction wouldn't have existed, and I wouldn't be in the position I'm in.And doing what I'm doing."Harry gently advised her.He looked down at their hands.He was happy she let him hold her hands for this long without pulling them away.

 

"Harry, you, and One Direction, was like a once in a lifetime thing.And it's completely different than this."Julie shook her head."That train you rode, across the world, is an opportunity that is so rare.It doesn't even compare to this."

 

"It does.It's just a different start, a different level. If it's something you want.Go for it.The only regret you can have is not taking an opportunity when it presents itself."Harry watched her stand up and go to her bag.She was done talking about it.He sighed quietly.She still had parts of her that would shut down when pushed.

 

"I will think about it."She said with her back towards him, digging in her bag for something to sleep in."I wasn't prepared for this trip.If I stay in these clothes much longer, I'm going to smell horrible."

 

Well, she said she'd think about it.He'd take it for now.Plus she'd told him.Before anyone.He'd definitely take that.The more they talked, the more he realized how much he wanted this girl back in his life completely.Yeah, this friendship or whatever they had was good, but he wanted her back completely.He wanted these conversations to happen regularly.Not just because they were trapped in a cabin during a blizzard.He got up and went to his bag.The way he traveled, he always had more than enough with him."Here, I got extra.I believe you may have worn some of this already."He pulled out a pair of grey sweats, an old tshirt, and a hoodie.When she took his clothes into the bathroom to change, he changed into clean sleep wear as well.He pulled the blankets back and smiled when she came out."Yep, I remember well.Still looks better on you."

 

Julie shook his head."Always so charming.It's annoying."She climbed into bed and covered up.It was still freezing.She watched Harry turn out the light and lay facing her.This was a mistake.In her head, she knew it.But part of her felt comfortable and content here with him.Again it annoyed her, but she also didn't want to leave.She reached up and touched the long curl by his ear."I just thought of something.A war movie that happened back in the 1940's.You're going to have to cut your hair."She couldn't believe how much that hurt her heart."I love your hair.I'm going to miss it.And this curl."She played with her favorite curl.The one she'd played with every time they were close.Wow.She didn't know Harry with short hair.By the time they'd met his hair had already gotten to the length of his shoulders.

 

Harry closed his eyes and smiled when she grabbed his curl.The one she played with, without even realizing it half the time."Oh, I'm going to miss it, too."He didn't mean the hair so much as this.He already missed this.

 

"Christopher Nolan or not, I'm not happy about this."She joked.Well, maybe it was a joke.She did love his long hair.His curls."Congratulations again, Harry.I seriously am so proud of you."She reached over and hugged him."I can't wait to see it."She closed her eyes."I'm tired.And warm.Good night, Harry."

 

"Good night, Julie."He watched her through the flickering flames of the fire.Yeah, he needed to remember to thank Niall and Amanda.Maybe this wasn't the place he would have brought her.But he couldn't complain about how things were going.Not at all.He pulled the covers tighter around her and watched her sleep until he fell asleep next to her.


	27. Chapter 27

Harry woke up the next morning to an empty bed.He noticed immediately it was much warmer than when he had fallen asleep.The electricity must have come back on.He rolled onto his back and took in a deep breath.Something smelled really good.He clasped his hands behind his head and smiled.Maybe he hadn't had it often, but he knew Julie was cooking breakfast.Home fries, bacon, eggs, pancakes, toast, and he guessed some kind of fruit.He was happy she was still here; however, he knew with breakfast came an anxious Julie.She was trying to distract herself from her mind.They always were well fed when it happened, but he figured it wouldn't be long until she ran from him.He sighed and then pushed himself to a sitting position.Part of him wished the storm would have lasted just a little longer.Maybe he was jumping the gun or patting himself on the back too much, but he thought they had made quite a bit of progress in the short time they were stuck here.He got up, washed his face, brushed his teeth, pulled his hair up in a messy bun, and made his way to the kitchen. 

 

He was right. She was alone, cooking, with food all over the counters.He stood back and watched her for a few minutes.Stiff shoulders, tense movements, the small crinkle between her eyebrows showing.Oh yeah, she was on the verge.Maybe he should have taken things just a bit slower.But god, it was nice being here with her, hearing her open up, letting him help; hell, asking him for help.Telling him her secret.She was seemingly comfortable with him for the first time in a very long time.He smiled and walked to the counter when she noticed him."Morning.I think the smell woke me.I'm not complaining by the way.It smells great."He stopped and sat on the stool on the opposite side of the counter from her.He knew better than to try and help.She would just tell him he was in the way right now.

 

"Morning.Tea?Or coffee?"She asked grabbing a mug from the cupboard.She knew he would come out eventually, but she had been hoping she had just a bit longer.She almost just got up and left immediately.Once the electricity came back on and she warmed up, she couldn't sleep anymore.It was like when the switch flipped for the electricity it had also flipped in her brain.She kept thinking about how odd this was.How much she let him in and shared.

 

"I will take some coffee.Thanks."He said watching her make the cup for him."You've been up awhile.And it's definitely warm in here."

 

"Yeah.Electricity came on a couple of hours ago.I couldn't sleep after it did.Too warm maybe.I don't know."She placed the mug in front of him and turned back to flip the pancakes."I called the main cabin.They said the roads are actually pretty clear."

 

"Oh, my god, it smells amazing out here."Amanda said coming into the kitchen.She yawned and stretched."You didn't have to do this."She walked over to the counter and gladly took the mug of coffee that JJ shoved towards her.

 

"You people need to stop telling her she doesn't have to do it."Niall said as he walked into the kitchen."I'm grateful and thankful, but let the woman cook."He laughed as all eyes were on him.He walked past JJ and gave her a kiss on the cheek."I, for one, will never complain when you cook.No matter the reason."He moved quickly away when JJ snapped a towel and caught him in the ass."I'm not ashamed."He grabbed a mug and made his own coffee."See, I'm even helping."

 

Julie shook her head."Niall, sometimes I don't even know what to say to you."

 

"'I hate you' normally works."He laughed again as he reached over and grabbed a piece of bacon from in front of JJ.This time she smacked him in the ass with a spatula."Shit!"He exclaimed."Watch it, woman."

 

"Ok, Niall, it's time to come out of the kitchen before she breaks your fingers or gives you a fat lip."Amanda advised shaking her head.

 

"She wouldn't dare."Niall pouted."She likes me playing guitar and singing too much.Couldn't do that with broken fingers and hard to sing with a fat lip."

 

"Good thing you're on a 'hiatus' then, dear friend."Julie said to Niall.She wiped her hands on a towel."Alright, everything's ready.Help yourselves."She said as she grabbed her mug and walked out of the kitchen.

 

"Wait.You're not eating with us?"Amanda asked.

 

"I ate some yogurt and fruit when I started cooking.I'm not real hungry."Julie said as she walked towards the bedroom."I'm going to pack."

 

"Wait.Pack?"  Amanda asked again."JJ.Get your ass back here."

 

Julie turned around and sighed."Yes, Panda, pack.The roads are pretty much clear, so I can leave soon."

 

"Why?Why not stay?I know you don't have to work for a couple of more days.We're here anyway.It's been a pretty good time, even if it was unexpected.Why can't you just spend some time with us?"She was practically pouting.They hadn't been able to spend as much time together as she had wanted lately.Or really in quite some time.

 

"Because this was never supposed to be my vacation, Panda."Julie shook her head."It was never meant to be this way.Now that things have calmed down weather wise, it's time to get back to the plan."

 

"The plan?The plan changed as soon as you got snowed in here.It would be safer for you to stay here at least another night.You can't deny that.Even if the roads are cleared, they aren't going to be great.If you wait until at least tomorrow, then it would be less likely to cause a problem."Amanda reasoned.

 

"No, I'm not staying another night."Julie said turning and walking back into the room.

 

Amanda sighed and looked at Niall and Harry who were both just looking at her."What?Of course, I was going to ask.Even if there was a small chance.Come on.She went along with everything here. I thought maybe she would give it a chance."She shrugged."I'm going to talk to her."She walked towards JJs bedroom.

 

Niall shook his head and grabbed a couple plates for Harry and him."You don't seem surprised by any of this."

 

"I'm not."Harry said taking the plate from Niall and grabbing some food."She did react pretty well to everything the past couple of days.But I knew as soon as she was able to leave, she would take the opportunity.She's been open, she's shared. Hell, she's shared a bed with me.And don't tell me that you didn't know she was going to do, something, when you realized she was cooking all this food."

 

"I did.But I was hoping that maybe she just wanted to feed us after a couple days of freezing."Niall shrugged.

 

Harry couldn't help but laugh at his friend."Walking a thin line there, buddy.Almost delusional.I knew once she had a way out that she would think way too hard about her actions and that she wouldn't be able to fight her flight instinct.She's not ready to deal with all of her feelings.She's not ready to sort them out."

 

"So, honestly; Harry, how much more patient are you going to be?You know she's stubborn as sin, you know she's trying to fight whatever feelings she has for you, and you know she's not going to give in anytime soon.So how long do you wait?"Niall asked biting his bacon.

 

"I don't know. I'd like to say as long as it takes, but we'll just have to see.Right now, I've seen glimpses of hope.And as long as I see that, I'm not giving up."Harry smiled and picked up some fruit."As long as she's willing to let me in even a little, I'm willing to let her work through it."

 

Amanda walked into the room with JJ and sat on the bed.She didn't knock, as she knew JJ wouldn't tell her to come in anyway.She watched JJ pack the rest of her things into the suitcase."Can you talk to me?Why can't you just stay?"

 

"Because it's time to go."Julie said shutting and zipping her suitcase."This was the plan, Panda.I was to come here, make sure everything was set, and go."

 

"Yes, but as I said, the plan got changed when you got stuck here, and Niall and I couldn't get here.Then things were already different.Come on, JJ.Let's just spend some time together."Amanda pleaded with her.

 

"Here is not the place, and this isn't the time."Julie said turning and looking at Amanda."And you know that.So why are you pushing it?"

 

"Honestly, because I miss this.I miss this you.I never expected to come here and find you in bed with Harry.Never expected you to spend time with him after we got here." Amanda grabbed JJs arm and pulled her down to the bed."Come on.Things seemed to be going good."

 

"Hence, the problem.How can you not see that?Come on.I know you can."Julie said exasperated shaking her head.

 

"Why is that a problem?Even if you think I do know.Even if I can guess.Tell me.I want to hear it from you."Amanda sighed when JJ stood up."Come on, JJ.Why can't you let yourself admit you like spending time with him?"

 

"Of course I do, Amanda."Julie said."Seriously?You know that.That's never changed.That's the whole problem!"

 

Shit.Amanda thought.Straight to the Amanda.Usually it took awhile for JJ to work up to calling her Amanda."Why is that a problem?"

 

Julie shook her head."I can't.I just, you know it."She was stumbling through her words, her thoughts."Being back here, remembering everything.The good, which leads to the bad.I'm not ready to jump back there.To his comfort.I remember.I remember how he made me feel.How I felt safe when he was around.I remember how I hated the fact that he had to leave.And I remember when this trip, as good as it was, was when everything started to change.When I started to get stronger, he started questioning everything.I remember his smell, his touch, his words.And all of that is great.All of that I'd welcome back.But with that comes the memory of the accusations and the hurt and the pain.The break up which I never understood and Kendall.I hate feelings."She took a deep breath to try and stop the emotions from overwhelming her.

 

"JJ, you think way too much.I don't know how you keep up with your own brain.It's on warp speed all the time.You have more ups and downs and back and forths in one statement then I have in days."Amanda said leaning back on her hands."Slow it down.Take your time."

 

"For fuck's sake, Amanda."Julie said throwing her hands up in the air."Don't you think part of me has already said to just go back to him.Let him save you again?I'm tired.I'm broken, and I feel myself falling further and further back into my old habits.I'm scared.I want nothing more than to run.Not only from Harry.But from everything.Pick up and start new.Fresh. Where no one knows me, and no one knows my past.Where no one pities me or thinks that I need help.Where people react to me instead of my past.Where I don't have to explain every emotion and every feeling.Because I would kill for that right now.I would literally love to be anywhere but here."

 

Amanda watched her friend.She knew JJ was struggling, had been struggling for awhile, but she hadn't seen just how much."JJ, we can't go back and have you not fall in love with him.You can't go back and pretend not to know what love is.And you can't go back to being afraid of falling in love."

 

"Do I know what love is?Because all I see of love right now is hurt and pain.Disappointment and fear."Julie replied clenching her fists.She was determined not to cry."I don't see it as anything else right now."

 

"Yes, I know that love can hurt.Because when you love someone, they can hurt you the most."Amanda said getting up and walking over to JJ."When you love someone, they have the ability to shatter your heart and your faith.But when you let it, love can also heal those things.If you'd open yourself back up to the possibility that you could love him again."

 

"Love him again?Really?Again?"Julie's shoulders slumped, and she began to shake. Damn it, she was losing the battle with the tears."I can't stop loving him.And that's the WORST feeling.Because I'm not ready.I'm not ready to forgive him completely.I'm not ready to go back to him and have him try to 'make it up to me'.I'm still working on doing things for myself.He couldn't handle that.He hurt me more than anyone ever before.And that includes Johnny.Harry broke my heart after I thought he pieced it back together."

 

Amanda took JJ's hands.She knew she was in flight mode.She knew JJ would try to pull her hands away so she gripped them tightly."JJ, he's been kind and patient, and he's trying to show you he knows he messed up.You've gotten along splendidly since you've been here.Let yourself go.Let yourself feel."

 

"Do you know how hard it was to wake up next to him?I long for that everyday.To not be alone.Because that's all I feel is alone.When I felt I had to be close to him, for warmth and to get through the storm the best way possible, I felt I belonged.That's what I needed.But now that the heats back, all it does is hurt.Because I can't have that every day.I can't trust him.I know I can't.Because every time I do something, he doesn't like or he doesn't agree with, I'm going to be afraid he's just going to leave me again, just like he did last time.And I shouldn't be that affected by it.His leaving should not have thrown me into this tail spin that I cannot seem to get out of.I'm so confused."

 

"What do you mean it shouldn't have affected you?JJ, of course it should have.You probably more than anyone.You hid for so long, you protected your heart for so long, and when you finally gave it out, it ended when you didn't expect it to.That's going to affect you, and affect you deeply.Thing is, we know, I know, Niall knows, and Harry especially knows how hard it was for you to open up.And he also knows how much he hurt you.That it would seem worse to you than anyone else."

 

"That's the thing.Everyone knows.Everyone knows I'm broken.Everyone knows that they have to treat me differently.And everyone knows that I'm just a ticking time bomb waiting to explode.That one day I just may freak out and go off.I know Harry's waiting for it.Hell, I'm waiting for it.I think the only person who's seen me for what I am lately is Daniel."

 

"What?!?Now I know you've lost your mind."Amanda shook her head at JJ."He knows nothing about you.He was wrong about you."

 

"No, see, that's the thing.He wasn't."Julie said disagreeing wholeheartedly with Amanda."He knew I didn't know what I wanted.Maybe he could have been more tactful about it, but I wanted someone else to date. I wanted someone else to make me forget.I wanted someone to come in and sweep me off my feet so that I could say once and for all that I didn't want or need Harry in my life.But I didn't want Daniel for himself. I wanted him so I could get away from every thought I had about Harry.It's not fair."Julie groaned."And now I sound like a whiney little baby complaining about how life isn't fair.And how I'm complaining about how to get rid of a gorgeous, sweet, loving guy when there are real problems in the world.I need to get out of here."She went and grabbed her suitcase.

 

Amanda couldn't help but laugh a little."Seriously, JJ, calm down.Like take a breath.I get that you're confused, probably now more than ever, but can't you just sit here and work it out?With me, like a normal girl?"

 

Julie shook her head."I swear, I really hate you sometimes."She turned and looked at Amanda, tears slipping down her cheeks."I need to go, Amanda.I just can't handle wanting to be in his arms and not being ready to give in.And I swear if you tell him or Niall, I will hate you forever.And I mean it."

 

"Right."Amanda walked up to JJ and hugged her tightly.She still didn't want her to go, but she could tell she would never win this battle.JJ had her mind made up.JJ was scared.JJ didn't know how to get through and deal with all of this.She was shocked when JJ actually admitted that she wanted to be in Harry's arms and that she wanted to be close to him."Just please be really careful. It can't be great out there still.They had a lot of snow to clear off.I won't try to stop you, because even if I hid the keys, I know your stubborn ass would walk down the mountain the way you are right now.Just promise me you won't push all of this aside.Figure it out.Deal with your feelings towards him.Don't be afraid to fall a little."

 

Julie shook her head and pushed Amanda away gently after a while."Stop, you'll just make me cry harder with all of this hugging and emotional crap."She wiped at her eyes and rolled her suit case to the door."Mouth shut Amanda, no matter how much you think it will help.Don't."She walked out to the front door with her suit case.She knew she would have to deal with Harry yet.He wouldn't let her leave without saying anything.  She hoped that he would, but she knew better.She looked up when she heard him behind her."I have to go, Harry.Please don't try and stop me."

 

"I'm not."He said looking down at her face.It was obvious that she was crying.He hated every second of it.He took his thumb and wiped a tear from her cheek bone."I just wanted to see if you needed help.I'd find a way to get you down that mountain if you need it."He put his hand on her shoulder and ran it down her arm."Think about your writing program, please.Don't throw it aside.And just remember, as I've said before, if you need anything.Call me."He leaned down and kissed her cheek.His lips lingering just a little longer than they should have."I will be anywhere you need me."He whispered.He stood up and turned away.It was a fight to let her go.He'd follow shortly after, but he wasn't going to push her.She looked wiped.He wished he could be the one to take away her pain again, but he'd been the one to cause it.This time it wasn't going to be that easy.He heard the door shut behind him.He looked at Amanda and Niall."I'm going to take off, too.You guys enjoy the time you have left, the time you were supposed to be alone."

 

"We wouldn't ever ask you to leave, Harry.I wish she wouldn't have left."Amanda said wiping tears from her own eyes.

 

"She needed to.She went through a lot of emotion when we were stuck here.I know she's fighting herself, but this time, it was me that caused it.I can't push her like I did last time."He grabbed another mug of coffee and turned to go to the bedroom."Don't worry, guys, she's ok.She'll get through it."He went in and closed the door to the bedroom to pack.He expected her to run at some point, but she seemed to give him some opening, and then sort of slammed the door back on him.But he was going to try and concentrate on that opening.He sat on the bed and sighed.He hoped he wasn't too late to get a key for that locked door.Holding her in his arms for a couple of nights was more than he could have hoped for at this time.He fell onto his back on the bed.He needed a plan.A good plan. Whoever thought that he would be here, at 22.Fighting to get a specific girl back in his life.One he should have never let go of in the first place.He sighed and got back up to pack his things.

 

Niall looked at Amanda."That bad, huh?"He asked wrapping his arms around her waist and burying his face in her neck.

 

"Well, let's just say that she stated the only person who has understood her recently was Daniel."Amanda said leaning her head on his.

 

Niall chuckled."Of course."He shook his head."She'll be ok.Remember the more worked up she is, the more she's feeling.She'll figure it out."

 

"Stop.I'm tired of you and Harry ganging up on me."Amanda pulled back and kissed him."Let's clean this up and then we can really enjoy Tahoe.Damn, she must really be messed up. She left me with all the cleaning."

 

"She's just smartening up."Niall laughed ducking the towel Amanda threw at him."Come on, I will even help."He said as he took some of the plates to the kitchen sink.No one could say the four of them together were ever boring.


	28. Chapter 28

Harry was in a lunch meeting with his manager and friend regarding plans for his movie role, an extensive photo shoot for a magazine, and holding off on his solo plans until after the movie had finished filming.He was having a hard time concentrating though as once they sat down for lunch he noticed he'd missed a phone call.From Julie.He hadn't heard from her since Tahoe.That had been weeks ago.He wanted nothing more at this point then to call her back.He was semi-distracted through the first part of the meeting.He looked up at Jeff when he heard him clear his throat."Huh?What?Sorry."He said blushing slightly as he realized he hadn't heard what was just said.

 

"I asked if you had something more important to do.Trying to nail down this schedule is proving difficult when you're not with me."Jeff said shaking his head.

 

Harry heard his text notification go off and looked down at his screen."Yeah, just, uh, let me take care of this."He didn't want to tell Jeff exactly what was going on.He knew that Jeff would be supportive, but he wasn't quite sure himself, and he wasn't sure Julie would appreciate it right now.Oh, hell, he was just keeping it to himself to hold it close to him.Maybe she was rubbing off on him.He read the text and smiled.He read it again to be sure.It said, 'Sorry to bother you if you're busy, but if you have some time later, could we meet up somewhere?'. Yes! He screamed in his head.He'd been waiting for this.The not knowing was driving him insane.He text back, 'Yes, of course.I'm free this evening.Tell me when and where.Any time after 5.'.He received a quick response, 'I will meet you at your place about 7.'He sent a simple, 'Perfect.' back to her and then set his phone down and smiled."Ok, I'm ready; let's get this settled."He was able to concentrate on getting his schedule set.He had to get it done so he could get home.He shook his head.He shouldn't be this excited about her wanting to meet.But hell, he couldn't wait.

 

Harry arrived home about 5:30 pm and immediately took a shower and got ready.He was being extra particular picking out what to wear. He wanted it to be something she would like.She sometimes gave him a little hell over his more colorful choices.It was almost like a first date, and he had no idea why she was even coming to see him.He laughed at himself as he dried his hair.Should he get dinner?Should he make something or order something?Would it seem presumptuous?He stopped himself and took a deep breath.Why was he so damn nervous?He would order Chinese.That way she could eat if she was hungry, and it wouldn't be a big deal.Yes, that was his plan.He picked up a menu he had from one of the times they had ordered.She had written all over the menu.Yummy, Ok, no thanks, and not a chance in hell.It was cute.They had a fun night, that night.He remembered fondly that moment.The laughs, the goofing around, the way it ended.Yeah, tonight wouldn't end like that, but he hoped for a good night.He placed the order and looked at the clock.She should be here any minute.

 

When Julie got to Harry's door, she hesitated for a minute.It was something she felt she needed to do, but she wasn't necessarily looking forward to opening up more.She wasn't even sure how, at this point, he would even take it.She took a deep breath and pressed the doorbell.She resituated the strap of her bag onto her shoulder and took a step back.When he opened the door, she smiled."Hey, thanks for seeing me."

 

Harry smiled when he saw her."Of course, come in, please."He stepped aside and let her come into the foyer."I wasn't sure if you'd eaten, so I ordered Chinese for dinner.Figured you could eat if you wanted."He walked towards the kitchen and picked up the menu, he showed it to her and then set it down."Thanks for this, made it easy to remember what you liked."He walked to the fridge."Water?Juice?Tea?"

 

"Water's fine, thank you."She set her bag on the stool by the counter."Ah, yes, the infamous menu."She smiled slightly at the memory.It seemed so long ago."Thanks for the dinner offer.Guess we'll see once it gets here.I might be enticed by the smell."

 

Harry came around and handed her the water."Can't say I'm not curious as to why you're here.Why you wanted to meet."He said sitting on the stool next to her facing her.

 

She smiled and nodded."I'm sure.Sorry I haven't been in touch since Tahoe.It gave me a lot to think about.You know this whole thing is hard for me, so I'm not even going to pretend or make up an excuse.I wasn't too busy. I was just confused.As always."She opened the bottle of water and took a drink.Absentmindedly peeling at the label as soon as she put the cap back on.

 

Harry gently took the bottle from her."Yeah, I can tell.And you already playing with that label makes me a bit nervous.Usually it takes you awhile to get that worked up.So, something tells me, you already have been over what you're going to say multiple times.I'm not sure if that's a good thing or a bad one."

 

"Yeah, my tells."She clasped her hands in her lap and looked down at them."Guess I need to work on those, too."

 

"No.It's how I can read you.Sometimes I need to.'Cause, well, let's face it, you're not the most open and honest girl out there."He said putting his hand over hers."Talk to me.Please."

 

"Yeah, that I'm not.Sorry."Why did she feel like she needed to apologize for everything?She took a hand and squeezed his for a moment and then stood up."There're two things I wanted to talk to you about.Well, one kind of leads into the other.But maybe we don't even need to talk about the second.But I hear you'll be leaving soon to go back home and then film, and I just thought that maybe we needed to."She paced as fast as she rambled.

 

Harry couldn't help but chuckle.Yep, she was nervous.And she was going to talk about things that she would rather push aside and hide.He stood up and stopped her by putting his hands on her biceps."Hey, slow down.And relax.You can talk to me about anything.And please don't apologize for being who you are."He lifted her chin so she'd look at him."Please, all I ask is for you to be honest.There's no judgement here."

 

"Yeah, well, in my fucked up brain, there's always judgement, and talking about everything just doesn't happen."She took a deep breath when he pulled on her chin and then looked up at him."Ok, I guess, but I'm not sure how this is going to go."

 

"Usually that's how it works, love.I mean, you can't predict anyone else's reactions ̶ you just have to speak from your heart."He let go of her chin when the doorbell rang."Well, food's here.I guess you get a little reprieve.I may even let you eat before you talk to me."He smiled at her and got the food.As he was paying the delivery man, he thought to himself, yes, eat first, then talk.More likely she'll stay longer.If they talked, she may run out before eating.Yep, plotting, he really should watch that.But this one couldn't hurt.He set the food on the counter and pulled the dishes out of the bag."Come on.Let's eat.Then you can get on with it."He winked and handed her, her favorite."Chicken lo mein, right?I think it was the one circled the most on the menu."He smiled.

 

"Yes, thank you."She took the container and went and sat on the couch and set it on the table in front of her.It was habit.She didn't even think about it.It was her spot.She opened the container and then thought about it."Oh, uh.Sorry, is this ok?I didn't mean to come in and act like I owned the place."

 

Harry smiled when she sat on her usual spot on the couch, kicked her shoes off and pulled her legs up underneath her.He laughed when she caught herself."Always make yourself at home.Please."He sat on the couch with her and put his container on the table as well."So, do you want to talk and eat?Or eat and then talk?"He opened his container and grabbed a fork.

 

"You always trying to get me to talk.You know what my answer would normally be."She took a small bite of her food.

 

"Yeah, eat.And then find something else to avoid talking.But remember, you're the one who got in touch with me to talk.This is all on you."He grinned at her.

 

Damn those dimples.Why was everything always so clear when she was working things out alone, and why was everything so damn hard when he was sitting here in front of her?She was having a hard time with her decision.But before, she had been convinced it was the right thing to do.Maybe coming here was a mistake.Maybe she shouldn't have decided to be upfront with him face to face.She thought it would be the right thing to do.The adult thing.The 'normal' thing.But let's face it, she would never be normal."Right."She took another bite."I guess the first thing, would be ok to talk about while we're eating."

 

"Well, then don't keep me in suspense."He said watching her as she took another bite.His stomach was in knots.What did she want to tell him?It was driving him mad.And she said two things.He was more concerned about the second."Come on.Seriously.Just tell me."

 

"Well, I have to talk to Niall and Panda yet, but if they're ok with it, I've decided I'm going to take the chance at the writing program."Before she could continue, she felt Harry move.She looked over in time to see him put his container on the table and stand up.He pulled her up and hugged her.Tightly.She couldn't help but close her eyes and breathe in his scent.God, she missed this.The safeness.The comfort.The ability to lose all herself in them.Part of her always thought it would be easier to just let him hide her from the rest of the world.She knew he would protect her.Take care of her.Make sure she was ok.Which was great.To a point.

 

"Oh, my god!"Harry exclaimed as he jumped up and grabbed her into his arms."I was hoping you would, but I had my doubts.You are a stubborn one, so I wasn't sure I got through to you in Tahoe.Not that you needed me to tell you to."He held her tightly.When she didn't step back, he didn't let go.Ok, so the first thing was a good thing.What was the chance that he would get a total win and the second would be what he hoped for?Yeah, he didn't have high hopes either.He put his hands on her shoulders and moved her back a little so he could look down at her."I'm proud of you.And you know Niall and Amanda are going to be too.You know that they will support you through this."

 

"Yeah, but maybe too much.Look, I know that nobody else looks at it this way, but I feel like a burden.I'm living with them, they are engaged, planning a wedding, and should be enjoying their time.And here I am, like an over grown child, in their way."She said as she sat back on the couch.

 

"Oh, Julie."Harry said."You, of course, would be the only person to think that way."When she gave him 'the look', he laughed and shook his head."There's plenty of room in that house.You're not in the way."He watched her pick up her food and take a bite.She was so fucking stubborn."You'll never believe me, but I know I'm right.And it's not like you cost that much more to have there.The house is plenty big, and it's paid for whether you're there or not.Stop worrying so much about everything."

 

"Harry, you're getting on my nerves."She said as she looked over at him.

 

"Of course, I am."He said once again shaking his head."Because I make sense.You really hate when I make sense."

 

"Not all the time.Sometimes I like it when you make sense."She said shrugging.

 

"Oh, yeah.I know the answer to this too."He took a bite and smirked."When it agrees with you."

 

"Right.So, shut up."She put her dish down when she'd had enough."That was good.Thank you.I wasn't expecting dinner, but it was nice."

 

"Oh, no, don't you be acting like you're leaving now.Tell me more about this writing program, and there was something else you wanted to tell me, don't think I've forgotten."Harry said finishing up his dinner and setting his dish aside.

 

"I wouldn't dream of it."She said."Should I help you clean up first?"She smiled at him raising her eyebrows and standing up.

 

"You shut up now, and sit down."He said to her pointing to the couch."Speak, woman."

 

"Harry."She rolled her eyes and couldn't help but laugh a little."The writing program, I don't have many details on yet.Basically, what I told you in Tahoe.If selected, you write for mentors.They work with you on your strengths and weaknesses.You write in different genres, different elements, with different mentors, to hone your skills.Hopefully to fine tune them enough to make a go at it in some aspect.For a career, or I suppose for hobby.I've never had any formal writing education.I never took any classes, never looked for help, because I always had to hide it.So, I figure if I wanted a real go at it, minus a few songs here and there, that maybe I should try something like this."

 

Harry listened quietly as she talked about the program.It was small, but he could hear some excitement in her explanation.She was leery about reactions of others, to this new journey she was about to take, but she was excited.She was scared, but it was something she wanted to do.He was so happy for her.For her to first make the decision to look into it, send in her work, and for her to now go out of her comfort zone and actually do it."I'm proud of you.But I also knew you had it in you.I hope you keep me updated on how it's going."

 

"Yeah, I guess that brings me to the second reason I'm here."She sighed.This wasn't going to be easy.He made it very clear to her in Tahoe what he wanted.It's all she'd thought about for the past few weeks.Ever since she got back.

 

Uh, oh.He thought.The look on her face was not giving him high hopes he was going to like what she had to say.The solemn downward look, the loss of smile.The sadness in her tone of voice."Well, can't say I'm thrilled about how this is starting."

 

"Yeah, sorry."She took a deep breath and looked up at him.A tear coming to the corner of one eye before she could stop it."Tahoe, was, unexpected.But I don't regret it."

 

"I don't regret it either."He interrupted.Maybe he was wrong.Maybe this could be what he had hoped for.Jesus Christ, he just needed to know what she was thinking.

 

"I know.Don't interrupt."She scolded him gently."I don't regret it.It reminded me of the good times.What we had.Who we were.How I felt.Brought back memories I'd suppressed because I was too busy being mad at you.I needed that.And part of me, wants that back."

 

Oh god.What's happening?Was she really going to take him back?Was she going to give him that second chance he'd been asking for?He was going crazy.He tried to keep it cool on the outside.He wanted to say something.Something to convince her that's what she should do, but he was afraid it would backfire.She told him to not interrupt so he just sat there, quietly, watching to see if he could read her, see any signs of what she was going to say next.

 

"It's not the time for us, Harry."It took her a minute but she said it."I know you asked for another chance, that you let me know that's what you want.And part of me is ready to jump back into your arms, but it would defeat the whole purpose of all of this.Of everything that happened."

 

There was the punch in the gut feeling only she could give him.His balloon was deflated quickly.He went from pure hope, to nothing, just like that."Oh."Was all he managed to say.He looked at her."I'm sorry, I just, I don't know what to say."

 

"No, I'm sorry, if you thought something else."She let out a breath."I just, I'm not ready.Maybe I wasn't ready the first time we got together either, and maybe I should have fought harder in the beginning so that we never got here, but I can't regret it.You changed my life.And I'm still trying to find out who I am."

 

Harry leaned back against the couch and closed his eyes.He had to gather his thoughts, his emotions, before he spoke."I can't say I'm not disappointed.This isn't what I was hoping to hear.Every day, I was hoping you would call me and say you were willing to give us another chance."

 

"I know.And I know it may be hard to believe me now, but this wasn't an easy decision, Harry.Even though we would have had a lot to work through, there was an argument for jumping back in.But I just know, now, that I'm not ready for all of that.Plus, now's not the time for everything we'd have to get through.With me starting the writing program and not knowing what I'm getting into, and you going off to shoot a movie and everything else you have going on.There just wouldn't be time to figure it out.And we'd have a lot to figure out.And not just me.You too."She said.This was an extremely hard decision for her.Even before Tahoe, she had been thinking about him a lot.That maybe it would be ok, for them to try again.

 

"Look, I get what you're saying.But when is timing ever right?If we left everything up to the perfect timing, nothing would get done."He sat forward again and looked at her."We were good together almost all of the time.We questioned things we shouldn't have questioned.Both of us.But we learn from that.I've learned from that.I don't want to make it seem like I'm pushing you.But if we don't give it a chance now, then when, Julie?"

 

"I don't know, Harry."She said wiping the tears that fell onto her cheeks."Maybe, never?Don't ask me to see the future.I'm not asking you to wait for me.I wouldn't.Ever. And I'm not saying we won't ever get to try again.If it's meant to be, it will find a way, right?Even if it's in 6 months, or a year, or longer.I don't know what's going to happen.I just feel that this is not the right time."

 

He hated to see her cry, but his heart was breaking right now.He was willing to wait, if she gave him hope.But right now, she wasn't giving him any."So, that's it?You leave tonight, and that's it?"

 

Julie looked at him.She started to get angry, but she could see the disappointment, the hurt in his eyes."I hope not.I was hoping that we could still be friends."She watched him throw his arms up."Harry, we have to start somewhere.Maybe we can still be what each other needs in a different way.What could it hurt?We could talk. We could get to know each other again.So much has happened since that night almost 8 months ago.Live your life.Take every opportunity you have to be happy, to do what you want.And maybe it will lead you back to me, and maybe it won't, but we can't force something when it's just not the time."

 

"You keep saying that.But what if I disagree?What if I think it's the perfect time?Why can't we work on a deeper relationship while all of this happens?No one will support you more than I will with your writing.And I know that you'll pick me up if I'm having a hard time with this movie.So, why can't it be like that?"He asked.Searching her eyes for just that glimmer of hope he needed.

 

She reached out and touched his hand."I'm sorry.I've made up my mind.I'd love it, if we could stay in touch, but I will leave that up to you.There had to be a reason that we broke up that night, why you chose to end it a few days before my birthday.And I don't think we've figured that out yet."

 

He pulled his hand back.He regretted it immediately and reached back for hers.The look of hurt on her face, he would never forget."Besides the fact that I was an insensitive jackass?"God, why did this hurt so much?He had been trying not to get his hopes up, but he'd failed.He'd had high hopes, he wanted this, and he'd thought he would get it.

 

"Yes, besides that."She wiped her tears with her free hand."We've got a lot to figure out in our lives, you and I, and I think we should take the time to do it."

 

"I still can't say that I agree.But I guess I have no choice."He stood up as she stood up.When she stepped in and wrapped her arms around his waist, he held her tightly.He rested his head on hers and let the tear threatening to escape fall onto his cheek.When she pulled back and looked up at him, he couldn't help himself, just like that first night in her bed.He had to kiss her.This time, goodbye.When his lips touched hers, he almost lost it.He wanted to beg her one last time to stay.Give him a chance.But he couldn't."I can't make any promises.At least not right now.But I hope we can stay friends."

 

Julie ran her hand into Harry's hair when he kissed her.The feeling in her heart was hard to endure.The decision was made, but it was so hard.She squeezed his hair and then let go."I hope so too. Who knows where this crazy ride will take us?"She forced a smile and stepped back.She turned and grabbed her bag and quickly went to the door.She put her hand on the door knob and looked back at him."You're going to do amazing things in this world, Harry Styles.Never forget it."She practically ran out the door.They weren't even together, and this felt like another break up.Only this time it was her.Her breaking his heart when it's the last thing she wanted to do.She got in the car and made it a block before she had to pull over because she couldn't see through the tears falling from her eyes.

 

As she shut the door behind her, Harry said quietly."As will you, Julie, as will you."He fell back onto the couch.Now what?How do you move on from something you didn't want to move on from? Guess he now had firsthand knowledge of how she felt almost 8 months ago.


	29. Chapter 29

Julie sat back in the car; she was being driven to the studio.JoJo was about to record, Just A Fool, with Harry.For some reason, they thought she needed to be there when it happened.She honestly thought that it would be something they would do separate and then the sound engineers would put together.When she'd agreed to let the song be recorded, this was not how she had pictured it.She definitely did not see Harry singing the male part.It was five months since the conversation they had at his house.Five months since she'd determined they needed a real break.They kept in touch.Not often, but enough to keep up on each other's affairs.

 

They did see each other once.He'd called one day in early June.She immediately knew that something was wrong.She could hear it in his voice as soon as he spoke.Harry had gone through some pretty tough things in the months prior.He was one of the strongest people she knew, but she could tell immediately that this was different.He was in New York, and he needed someone desperately.She'd jumped on a plane immediately and went to him.They spent days in his hotel room talking and sharing.She did a lot of listening.He did a lot of crying at first, and then eventually felt a little more normal.She was glad she could be there for him.They were like best friends those few days.Nothing else mattered but their conversation and being together.They had take out and room service, they never left the hotel room, and as close as they were, they kept it platonic.She still felt that physical connection, that pull she always had when she was in the same room as him, but they never acted on it.

 

She was happy she'd had that moment.He was there for her through their entire relationship.He'd helped her through some pretty crappy times.She was glad she could be there for his.She couldn't even imagine what he was going through.They never spoke about a specific moment.A specific tragedy, after he told her what happened.They talked about the good times, the memories, the fun and laughter he had with certain people.It was part of the accepting and healing process.When it was time to go, she could tell he was in a better place.And they had said goodbye like old friends.She was still nervous to see him though.

 

Her writing program was great.It kept her mind busy and open and really pulled out her creative energy.She was glad that she'd taken a chance and did it.She'd met some great people when she entered the program also.She bonded well with them, which was nice, and a bit new.She didn't expect to make such good friends when she'd signed up for it.She had spent a lot of time with them.She did seem to get along better with the men.It was tricky for her to navigate the women sometimes.They seemed to have interests she just couldn't grasp.Like shopping.They would schedule time every week to wander the mall.Julie went once.And had politely declined ever since.She didn't get it.Walking around, going into stores, and trying on things that you knew you weren't going to buy, just for fun.Yeah, definitely not her thing.She had no idea why people enjoyed that.Made no sense to her.But she just figured she was the odd one out.No one could say she was normal in any sense of the word.

 

She spent a lot of time with two members of the writing group in particular.Marcus and Jaime.Two total opposite personalities, but each played a part in her time in the program.She'd gone on a couple of dates with Marcus, but nothing really serious.He was sweet, kind, and very humble.He was handsome in his own way.Not Harry handsome to her, but she doubted anyone ever would be.He was a bit shorter, built, dark hair cut short, dark eyes, and dark complexion.She never asked but she'd guess Italian if someone were to ask her.He would take her on low-key dates, to quiet restaurants and movies.Whenever she felt the stress building up, she KNEW he would be able to give her the calmness she needed.

 

Jaime, on the other hand, was loud and funny.He made her laugh continuously.She spent more time with him.He was an amazing friend.Sometimes she had to send him away though because when she was lost in her writing, he was a constant distraction.One she needed sometimes and needed to send away other times.Marcus and Jaime would have been the perfect person, if only both of them had somehow been one.She had thought about that.How it seemed she was replacing Harry, with two different versions.Harry could be sweet, kind and calming one moment, and loud, obnoxious and funny the next.Somehow it worked better to have them separated.Nothing was serious though.She told Harry she wasn't ready, and she wasn't ready to be serious with anyone.It was a time that she needed for herself.It was a time she believed was working for her.

 

She was wondering what her own reaction would be to seeing him again.When she saw him this past summer, there was a deep reason.There was a specific purpose, and that was to help him.When she got into the mode of being there for him, or someone else, everything else just got pushed aside.It made things easier.This meeting would be partly about her and the personal words she had written.One's he'd added, too.She wasn't sure how she was going to feel hearing this song in particular come out of him.No matter what anyone thought of her, telling him they couldn't be together was one of the hardest things she'd ever had to do.And she had done a shit ton of hard things in her short life.She sighed and sat back to wait for the driver to tell her she was at the studio.

 

Harry was sitting in the studio talking to JoJo and her team.He had Jeff and Glenne with him, but no one else.He was letting JoJo's team handle this.Julie was on her way, so he'd been told.He kept in contact with her, but he hadn't spoken to her too much about this in detail.She'd come to him when he'd needed someone most.And even though he had support from his family and his friends, all he could think about during his time of need was her.When he called, she hadn't hesitated to hop a plane to New York to comfort him.It had meant the world to him.And that little bit of hope he was looking for.That was it.He didn't stop his life for her, and she didn't stop hers for him.It was harder at first, but whatever came of this was what it would be.

 

She comforted him in a way that no one else could.She got him.She let him cry when he needed, she let him be angry when he needed, she sat in silence when he needed, and she sometimes knew before he did which one of those he was about to do.Ok, well he did think about the way she let him calm down in South Africa, but he'd never pushed that.He showed restraint while she was there, even though it ran around in his head a lot.They had used sex to get out their passion and aggression a few times in their relationship, and even though it probably would have worked this past summer too, they never used it.Ok, he never used it. He was pretty sure she wasn't thinking about it.Yet, she still managed to calm him just as easily without it becoming physical.Her presence was what he had needed at that time.Bad news was always hard to get, tragic news, life changing news.To have friends like her made those times somewhat bearable.And if that's all they would be, is friends, then he would take it, rather than to not have her in his life at all.

 

One of his favorite moments of that encounter had been the moment she'd arrived at his hotel room.When he opened the door and let her in, she seemed shocked.When he'd finally gotten her to tell him what was wrong, she reached up to the hair by his ear.'There's no curl.'She had said.'I miss the curl. I miss the hair.'She said as a tear dropped onto her cheek.Then she laughed and shook her head.She'd then proceeded to tell him how silly she felt for crying over a haircut.She assured him he looked just as handsome, but she would always have a petulance for that curl.She joked that he should have saved it for her.From that moment on, he knew he'd made the right decision in asking her to come.

 

Filming Dunkirk, after that time in New York, was an incredible experience.Something new and exciting.He did things he'd never thought he would do.And as grueling as it was, it sometimes didn't seem like work.He'd called and talked to her a few times.Sent her a few texts with some pictures.Wished she was there a lot more times than that.He'd dated some.Nothing that went anywhere.Either he got too busy or there just wasn't anything to hold onto.Whoever he saw had big shoes to fill.He admitted it was hard too, when she would tell him she was going out with someone from her writing program.He hated hearing about it.But he was glad she was putting herself out there.In ways she never did.He found himself hoping she wouldn't be able to replace him.He heard all about Marcus and Jaime, and it took a lot of controlled breathing to not get angry.He was hoping that her, 'if it's meant to be, it will be' speech would hold true.

 

He had come back to LA to do some final shots for Dunkirk.He had been talking on and off with JoJo about doing this duet for a while and decided this would be a good time.JoJo had decided to invite Julie.He wasn't opposed, but he was wondering how it would be.He was just starting to think about his first solo album.He had written a bit before concentrating on Dunkirk, but put that on hold during the filming.Now, he was going to be switching gears again.He was going to Jamaica for at least a couple of weeks to write and record without interruption from anything other than his own mind.He hoped it would be as productive as he thought it would.

 

Harry stood up when he saw the door open.He smiled when he saw Julie walk in.He opened his arms and immediately engulfed her in a hug."Hey!"He said enthusiastically.He wasn't sure of how he would feel when he saw her, but it felt good."You look great!How are you doing?"

 

Julie took a deep breath in when he wrapped his arms around her.Still no place she felt safer in the world than in between those arms."I'm good."She looked up at him and reached up for his nonexistent curl."Still, want that curl back.But you look great, too.Swimming and trying not to drown work for you."She joked.She went and hugged JoJo."I'm a bit nervous about all of this.I know it's not my first rodeo anymore, but I don't think I'll ever get used to people singing my words."

 

"My words too, so at least you're not alone in the stress."Harry said laying his arm around her shoulder.

 

"Funny, Harry, very funny."She said elbowing him softly in the stomach."Aren't you supposed to be working hard?Instead, you're standing here, hardly working."

 

"Ouch.Right for the heart, right away.Every time."Harry reacted by grabbing his chest playfully.

 

"Yeah, I'm used to that reaction.Better try it on someone new next time."She said shaking her head.

 

"Oh, you love my drama.I've improved my acting skills; you should have totally believed me."He raised his eyebrows at her and then laughed at the look on her face.

 

"Oh, lord, you better work harder.There's going to be a lot of disappointed movie goers and Harry Styles fans if that's what we've got to look forward to seeing on the big screen."Julie groaned.

 

"Ouch, again.Damn, woman.A little break would be nice."He countered pushing her on the shoulder a little.

 

"Oh, we've had a little break, and then a big break, and then a longer break.You get no more."She said to him.

 

"Oh?No more break?I mean, I can sure live with that.Just tell me when this whole break thing is over."He looked at her amused.When he saw the blush in her cheeks, he knew she'd just thought about what she'd said."What?Wasn't exactly what you meant?"

 

"Shut up.You know it wasn't."She covered her cheeks with her palms.

 

"You're so cute when you blush."He chuckled when she swatted at him."Ok, we'll continue this later.I've got work to do, and you're interrupting me."He walked away before she could say anything else to him.He chuckled to himself and could hear the smart-ass remark she had as a comeback, even though she didn't actually get a chance to say one.

 

Frustrating ass, that one was.Yet Julie found herself smiling anyway.Damn it.This is why it was hard to be near him too much.The charm was irresistible.He had a way about him, and she just couldn't break free completely.She stood back in the studio and listened to them sing the words to this song, over and over again.They both sounded amazing.JoJo's strong powerful voice and Harry's low raspy voice somehow worked great together.He kept his part a bit more subdued than she did hers.And it worked perfectly.When they were done recording, they played back a rough edit of the song.It was amazing.That was talent.Harry and JoJo and then the engineers that could take snippets from the recording and put it together into something like that so quickly.

 

"I love it."Julie said quietly when the song ended, and the room became silent.

 

Harry smiled when Julie said she loved it.He watched her stand there, arms crossed over her chest, eyes down to the floor, overwhelmed look on her face."It's pretty great, right?We work pretty well together, you and me.We should do it more often.I mean, there are ways."He grinned.

 

Julie glared at him with squinted eyes.Damn him.Would he ever stop?"I think maybe we're one and done.Can't improve much on that.I'd be scared to be disappointed."

 

"Oh, for fuck's sake.Why you gotta be so quick on the comebacks? You're breaking my heart here."Harry said.Damn her for turning that right around on him.But this is what he loved.He would never deny he loved this woman.Never.She would always hold a place in his heart.He wanted more, but he would take this.

 

"You walked right into that yourself, my dear."She said patting his arm.

 

"Let me take you out tonight."Harry blurted out before really thinking about it.He looked at her wondering what her reaction would be."Come on, this is a big deal for us.We managed to work together and get along for a whole day."

 

"Harry, we've gotten along plenty of whole days."She argued shaking her head again.

 

"Yes, true, but it's been awhile since it's been a good day, with a good outcome.Come on, what can it hurt?"He asked hopefully.

 

"Probably plenty."She advised.She looked up at him and took a deep breath."Ok, fine.Pick me up at Niall's at 9."

 

"Really!?"He exclaimed probably a little too loudly.

 

"Well, if you didn't want to, then you shouldn't have offered."She crossed her arms over her chest again."Make up your damn mind."

 

"No! No!I will be there.Guess I just wasn't expecting you to say yes that quickly.I figured I'd need to do a little more arm twisting.I'm used to having to work hard to get you to say yes."He grinned another cheeky grin at her.

 

"Harry.Seriously.Shut up."Julie said walking out the door.What did she just do?Oh, what the hell, they'd spent days together in a hotel room, in New York, and managed to come out happy and alive.What harm could one night out in LA do?

 

By the time Julie got home it was already 7:30. She immediately jumped in the shower.When she was done, she walked out to Jaime sitting on her bed.She shook her head at him."You know, I wish Panda didn't like you so much."She said as she grabbed her clothes.

 

"Ah, m'lady, it's part of my charm.Have to get the friends to like me.Then, I get to be in girl's rooms as they change."Jaime said smiling at her.

 

"You're so obnoxious."She said laughing and dressing.She had already had her make up done and hair styled.She put on a nice pair of black skinny jeans and a sparkly tank top.She topped it off with a light black leather jacket and a pair of black heeled boots.

 

"Ah, but you love me anyway."Jaime stood up and grabbed Julie's hand.He spun her around checking her out up and down."Well, look at you.I thought we weren't going out tonight."

 

"We're not.I am."She said.

 

"Well, sassy pants.What's the occasion?"Jaime asked scratching his chin."Oooh, Harry's in, isn't he?Weren't you supposed to be seeing him today?"

 

Julie smacked Jaime's hand from his chin."Yes.And yes, he asked if he could take me out to celebrate the song being recorded.But don't you be getting any ideas."

 

"Oh, I got one idea about Harry Styles, honey.And I'm sure you could tell me all about it."He said raising his eyebrows at her.

 

"Not a chance in hell."Julie said."Now get out of my room and leave the property immediately."

 

"Sounds like you don't want to introduce me to Mr. Styles.Afraid of what I might do?"Jaime asked."I could totally take him, ya know."

 

"Oh, my god, Jaime!"Julie exclaimed."Please, go.Please, for the love of god, stop making me think about that."

 

Jaime laughed and walked towards the door of the bedroom."Fine.But I get all the details later.And you better not skimp on me.Love you."He called out as he walked down the hall.

 

Niall had just let Harry in when Harry saw a guy walking from the hallway that lead to Julie's room.What was this?Why would she tell him to get her and then have someone else here?Granted he was a bit early, but still.He was shocked speechless.The guy was just about to say something to Harry, when Harry heard Julie's voice.

 

"Jaime!"Julie said as she watched him walk towards Harry."Don't even think about it!Keep walking."

 

Harry watched the guy she called Jaime pout and then walk out the door.He looked at Julie as she walked towards him.He was completely confused.

 

"I'm sorry."He said to her."If you had other plans, then you should have just told me."He turned and watched the door close behind him."I mean, yeah, I don't know what I mean."

 

"JJ?"Amanda said appearing."Why does Harry look like he just saw a ghost."

 

"He just saw Jaime coming from her room."Niall said to Amanda trying to stifle a laugh.

 

Harry noticed Amanda couldn't help herself.She tried not to laugh, but she couldn't help it."Oh, I see."Was all she could manage to say.

 

"What the fuck's so funny?"Harry asked wrinkling his eyebrows."Why would this be funny?"

 

"Oh, Harry, don't be jealous."Julie said."If anything, I should be jealous."

 

"What?How does that even make any sense?"Harry asked.Did he just step into the middle of the twilight zone?

 

"Because Jaime would be much more interested in getting you in his bed than me."Julie continued.She had to admit, she was enjoying the bit of confusion from Harry.

 

"Yeah."Amanda said breaking out into full laughter now."Just ask Niall."She now could not control her laughter.

 

"Amanda!"Niall scolded uncomfortably."We weren't going to bring that up again."

 

"Oh, Niall.You have to admit, you'd never been hit on quite as well as the night you met Jaime."Julie said starting to laugh along with Amanda.

 

"Yeah, but he did always say Harry was more his type."Amanda continued.Tears were starting to stream from her eyes.

 

"I hate you both."Niall said shaking his head."Dude, that was a very uncomfortable moment."

 

"I enjoyed it thoroughly."Julie said stepping up to Harry who looked even more confused.

 

"I'll explain on the way.I promise.But trust me, I didn't tell Jaime to keep moving to save me.I told him to keep moving, to save you."Julie said turning Harry towards the door."But I will be happy to introduce you to him another time, if you'd like."Julie waved to Amanda and Niall and left.Amanda was still laughing uncontrollably with Niall shaking his head at her.Oh, she was glad she was getting out of there now.

 

Just A Fool by Christina Aguilera and Blake Shelton.It's a brilliant song for the feeling that I think JJ has, at least for awhile!


	30. Chapter 30

Harry drove towards a bowling alley a bit out of the city.  It was one he knew would be quiet since it was a little later on a week night.  He glanced over at Julie, who was looking out the window.  She looked content.  It was really the first time she'd been in his car voluntarily in a while.  Ok, that sounded bad, but she had to when he came to save her from the club downtown and when he gave her a ride home the next day.  This was different.  She'd agreed to go out with him.  It was exactly a year ago, today, since they'd broken up.  Her birthday was in a couple of days.  He'd planned his schedule so he could be here for it.  He had some filming to do at the studio to finish up the movie, but he made sure it happened past her birthday.  Then he was off to Jamaica to write and record his album.  He figured getting away from the distractions would be best.  He wondered if she would let him do something for her birthday.  He'd kind of fucked up her 25th birthday.  Maybe he could make her 26th good for her.  "So, are you going to explain, Niall and, what's his name to me?"

 

Julie laughed and then looked over at him.  "Jaime?  I met Jaime as soon as I started my writing class.  He practically took me under his wing.  He's my complete opposite.  He's loud and obnoxious and the center of attention all the time.  At first, I thought he was the least likely friend I could have.  But he's also kind and supportive and makes sure that no matter what, his friends are taken care of.  He's everything I didn't know I needed.  Well, I don't go around bragging about my friends.  So, the first time I brought him to Niall's house was when Niall was having some people over for the night.  I told Jaime that he might recognize a friend or two.  When he saw it was Niall, he literally flipped his lid.  He had Amanda laughing so hard she encouraged him to hit on Niall with everything he had.  And he didn't hold back.  Poor Niall just kept telling him he was engaged, and Jaime just kept telling him he could change his mind."  She laughed harder.  "We had to finally save Niall, but it was quite entertaining.  Then Jaime asked Niall if you would be coming, as you were more his type anyway.  When he found out that you were my ex, he asked all kinds of inappropriate questions."  Julie shook her head.  "Which of course I wouldn't answer.  And that's why I wouldn't let him stop today."

 

"I'm more his type, huh?"  Harry shook his head but couldn't help but chuckle.  "And how is that?"

 

"Oh, please don't make me go into the explanation he gave."  Julie said blushing and looking back out the window.  "He's a lot more colorful in his descriptions than I could ever be.  And let's just say he was much more interested in a particular body part he thought I would be familiar with being an ex and all."

 

"Oh, well, what did you tell him?"  Harry asked watching the red darken in her cheeks even more.  "Did you tell him that the rumors were true?  Or that I'm even better than true?"

 

"Shut up, Harry."  Julie said shaking her head.  Damn him, for still knowing what made her uncomfortable.  She took a deep breath.  "I told him that the myth about the size of the feet or the size of the thumb really have nothing to do with it."  She held her thumb and her pointer finger just a little bit apart.  "I mean, it's not the size that matters."

 

"Oh, you're so mean."  Harry started laughing.  "Why am I laughing?  That's not even right!"  He shook his head.  "I never heard you complain when we were together."

 

"Yeah, well I loved you.  Couldn't hurt your ego."  She giggled and closed her eyes.

 

He looked over at her and couldn't help but smile.  Even if she was ripping down his ego.  "You always know how to make sure my head stays out of the clouds."

 

"Which head?"  She laughed out loud.

 

"Ok, that's enough now."  It was his turn to blush.  "Usually I'm the one making you uncomfortable with this talk.  Now you're making me blush."

 

"Well, don't start something that you can't finish."  Julie said looking at him.  "Ok, can we change the subject now?"

 

"Why?  Are you intimidated thinking about how that part of my body made you feel?"  He watched her lose her smile.  Maybe he took it a little too far.  "Fine, subject change.  What about this other guy.  Marcus?"  He asked turning onto the road the bowling alley was on.

 

She looked over at him.  Damn him, now she'd started something she couldn't finish.  Like she really wanted to think about how he made her feel during sex.  Ugh. And now Marcus.  "He's a nice guy.  Always opens doors, pulls out chairs, makes sure I'm warm.  Takes me to nice quiet, calm places.  Sort of the total opposite of Jaime."

 

"Am I his type, too?"  Harry asked.  He wanted to know how serious she was with this guy.  Not that he had any right to know.  But he still wanted to.

 

"No, I think I'm more his type."  She looked over at him.  "We've gone out a few times.  But it's not serious.  The whole point of this past handful of months was for me to not commit to anyone, besides myself and my writing."

 

He smiled at her.  "Just checking.  I didn't want anyone fighting over me."  He winked at her and then turned into the parking lot.

 

"You're a horrible winker.  Don't try that when you're hitting on someone."  She forced a small smile and took off her seat belt.  She went to open her door but felt Harry pull her hand.

 

"Let me get the door, please."  He hopped out and opened her door for her.  "See was that so hard?"

 

"No, but I was plenty capable."  She stepped out while he closed the door, but he didn't let go of her hand.  She was waiting for him to.  He held it as he started walking towards the bowling alley.  She knew he'd dated too while they were apart.  He'd shared about as much as she did when it came to it though.  Just that he was going out.  She didn't need to know the details.  He was supposed to live his life.  And that included seeing other people.

 

"By the way.  The winks work just fine.  Thank you."  He opened the door to the bowling alley and let her in.

 

"I don't imagine it was the winks, Harry, that worked."  She shook her head.  "Ah, bowling?  You must want your ego to be knocked down a bit tonight, huh?  You know I'm going to kick your ass, right?  I grew up in the Midwest.  What else could we do during winter except bowl?"

 

"Well, I may have known some of that, but the way you've been attacking my ego already tonight, I'm not sure I can handle anymore."  He went to the counter and got them shoes.  He didn't have to ask her size; he remembered.  He didn't think he would ever be able to forget the details.  She had imprinted on his life more than he'd expected her to.  In every way.  He handed her the shoes and then took her to the alleys they'd been assigned.  He gave a little incentive for the alley not to assign the lanes closest to them to anyone else.  Not being recognized tonight would be a wonderful thing.

 

Julie took a deep breath.  She was trying hard not to overthink this.  Just spend time with him.  Not think too hard about what it meant.  She liked his company, and the back and forth that they had throughout the day had been fun.  And easy, just like it used to be.  She couldn't believe he actually brought her bowling.  She thought for sure it would have been at a bit more of a pricey restaurant with a quiet atmosphere.  She was glad though.  She wanted to keep it light and fun.  She tied her shoes and then stood up.  "Ok, be prepared to lose."  She went and found a ball and brought it back to the lanes.

 

"Completely prepared."  He laughed as he finished tying his shoes.  "Well, they are quite stylish, aren't they?"

 

"Totally you."  She said.  She smiled and they started bowling.  It was so much fun.  She wasn't as good as she used to be.  Guess she should have gone bowling some in LA.  But she was still better than he was.  After the third game, she stood and put her arms straight up in the air.  "Undefeated!"  She proclaimed and then laughed at the look on his face.

 

"Yeah, yeah.  You got me.  This may not have been my best idea ever.  But I did alright."  He laughed.  "Ok, let's go get another drink.  We can hit the arcade.  I know I can take you there."  He grabbed both of their bowling shoes and then looked at her start to blush.  "Oh!  I did not mean that!"  He laughed.  "What has gotten into you!?  Is everything you think about dirty?"

 

She shook her head.  "Shut up.  I guess I've been hanging out with Jaime too much."  She took a deep breath.  "Ok, let's forget that I just thought that.  And yeah, maybe a drink is a good idea."  She walked in front of him.  "Do you think they have PacMan?  I sure could kick your ass in PacMan."

 

"Well, does it have to be about kicking my ass all the time?  Can't we just have fun, Ms. Competitive?"  He watched her walk towards the arcade.  He couldn't help but check out her body.  That ass, those curves.  He shook his head.  Yeah, he was losing it.  He'd dated when they were apart.  He saw a couple of women.  And they were fine.  Beautiful, talented, smart, and not Julie.  He had fun, but he knew that's not what he wanted going forward.  He went to the bar and ordered them each a drink.  He brought them back and handed her drink to her.  "Just one drink for me.  Don't try to get me drunk and take advantage of me."

 

"I wouldn't dream of such a thing."  She rolled her eyes and took a drink.  "But maybe I could call Jaime to come save you."

 

Harry choked on his drink and looked at her laughing.  "Not nice.  You could have killed me."

 

"I think you're ok.  But I know he'd come be your knight anytime I asked."  She took another drink and then patted his back as he coughed a couple more times.  "Careful, I may think you're excited at the thought."

 

"Woman!  I swear."  He said as he finally was able to stop coughing.

 

"Yeah, yeah, swear all you want."  She walked around until she found PacMan.  She playfully cracked her knuckles.  "Alright, let's do this."

 

After a few games against each other Harry leaned against the machine.  She had beaten him at that too, but he didn't care.  She smiled more that night than he had seen in quite some time.  He was happy.  He wished he would have thought about doing something like this a long time ago.  The happiest he'd ever seen her was on their safari in South Africa.  He should have made sure they had more days like that.  And this just was a simple, cheap thing that could have been done often.  "Ok, you kicked my ass in just about everything, so, you get to decide what we get to do next."

 

"Next?  It's like 2 am.  What did you think we were going to do?  Stay out til the sun comes up?"  Julie asked him turning and leaning against the machine.

 

"Well, we used to do that.  Didn't figure it would be a bad thing."  He shrugged.  "Come on, you're still young, sort of."

 

"Jackass."  She said as she pushed herself off the machine.  "I could go meet up with Jaime.  I'm sure he's got a bunch of fun surrounding him."  She heard him growl.  "What?  Would you rather I send you to go meet Jaime?"

 

"Stop, now."  He grabbed her hand.  "Come on.  We're having a good night.  A good day and then a good night.  Behave."

 

"Never.  Ever."  She said, but she held his hand and walked out with him.  "So, since it's my choice where we are going, do I get to drive?"

 

He gave her a side-eyed glance.  "You want to drive my car?  Well, you know how I feel about her."  He held out the keys to her.

 

Julie grabbed the keys and rolled her eyes.  "Yes, Harry, she's your baby.  I promise to be gentle with her.  Love her, and stroke her gently."  She ran her hand gently over the hood.  "I promise she will purr when I'm done with her."

 

"Son of a bitch, woman, you suck."  He said as he watched her hand run over the hood gently.  How she seductively said she would purr when she was done with her.

 

"Well, I've been known to at one time or another."  She said as she ran her hand up the curve of the window and then down to the handle.  She opened the door and saw him just standing at the passenger's door.  "What?  Did you want me to open your door for you since I'm driving?  Are we now reversing roles?"

 

"You're doing this on purpose.  And I'm not sure if I love it or hate it."  He shook his head and got into the car.  He positioned himself carefully because her words caused him some not so innocent thoughts, which in turn may have turned him on a little more than he wanted at the moment.

 

Julie got in and adjusted the seat glancing over at him.  "You're too easy.  And you thought that I had a dirty mind."

 

"Really?  You did that on purpose and you know it."  He shook his head.  "Where are we going?"

 

"I did what on purpose?  I was just telling you I'd be nice to your car."  She said innocently pulling out onto the road.

 

"You know exactly what you did."  He glared at her.  "And you're not answering my question."

 

"You're right, I'm not.  Just sit back and enjoy the ride."  She said to him.

 

"Oh, I know a ride I'd like to enjoy."  He said smirking at her.  "Or should I say, a ride you'd enjoy."  He was shocked when she started laughing out loud.  He expected her to turn red and get embarrassed.

 

"Shut up."  She said.  "I've already been on that ride.  Only slightly impressed."

 

"What the fuck?!"  She was laughing so hard he couldn't help but laugh.  "Why do I keep laughing when you're mean as fuck to me?"

 

"Because you secretly like it.  You secretly like a mean girl."  She pulled out onto the highway and drove back towards LA.

 

"Yeah, maybe I do.  You sure are mean tonight."  He said shaking his head at her.  Taking note they were heading back towards the city.

 

"Look, you asked me out, and I even tried to get you to take me home and you keep wanting to spend time with me.  So, don't blame anyone but yourself."  She said glancing at him and smiling and then looking back at the road.

 

"Touché."  He said smiling.  "So, maybe I do secretly like mean girls."

 

"Hey!  I am not mean!"  She said giving him a look.

 

"You just said you were."  He said chuckling.

 

"You aren't supposed to agree.  Man, no wonder you're still single."  She said turning on the radio.

 

"So are you."  He said.  He was amused by this conversation.  He was amused by most of the conversations they'd had that night.

 

"Yeah, but I'm the mean girl."  She said turning the radio up.

 

"Julie, shut up."  He said as he saw the smile on her face.  He didn't want this night to end.  Even though he knew he had to go to Jamaica for a few weeks, and that she would never agree to something when he was leaving so soon.  He'd had a great night.  And he had hope that even after a year, they could become something again.  But he did want her in his life either way.  Even if it was as friends.  It would kill him to watch her date others, maybe find someone else.  But he wanted her in his life.  He watched her quietly for a while.  She pulled up to a small 24-hour convenience store and he looked at her.

 

"Just, stay."  She said as she got out of the car.  She ran in, grabbed a few things and then came back out.  She threw a couple of bags into the backseat and then got back in.

 

Harry looked at her when she got back in the car.  "Do you know how hard it was to let you go out by yourself at 2:30 in the morning?  In LA?  Seriously?"

 

"Oh, Jesus Christ.  I'm fine."  She said as she drove down the road.

 

"Not the point."  He said.  He started to recognize where they were.  "You're taking me to the beach."  He said turning and smiling at her.

 

"Yeah, it's too beautiful out tonight or this morning to stay inside.  Figured you always have an open invitation to this beach and the beach house.  Why not?"  It wasn't long until they were pulling up next to the beach house.  She got out and grabbed the bag.  "I figured alcohol probably wasn't the best thing for us, right now.  So, I got a few other things."

 

Harry grabbed the blanket from his trunk and took the bags from her.  He looked inside.  "Milk and Oreos.  Strawberries, Kit Kats, and white grape juice."  He couldn't help but laugh.  So random.  And so her.

 

"Keep your hands off my Oreos."  She said laughing.  She took the bags as he set the blanket down.  She sat down next to him.  "Ok, well, maybe I will let you have one or two."

 

Harry leaned back on his hands.  "Thanks for tonight.  I have to say I've had a great time.  It's been awhile."

 

"Sure, anytime you need your ass kicked, or your ego deflated, just give me a call."  She took an Oreo and dunked it into her milk.  She pulled it out, and he took it from her hand with his mouth.  "Grrrrr, jackass."  She pushed him away and got another one.

 

He smiled as he chewed.  "Yeah, no one can do it like you, love.  No one at all."  He couldn't believe how easy the conversation came.  Before he knew it, they were watching the sun rise over the ocean.  She gave him hell the entire time, and he couldn't have asked for anything more.  He watched her yawn pretty much nonstop for about 10 minutes.  He helped her up, packed the car up and drove her home.  He walked her to Niall's door.  "Thanks again for tonight.  Can I call you later?  Can we get together before I leave?"

 

Julie leaned against the doorframe while Harry talked to her.  "Yeah, sure.  Just don't call me today.  I'm going to sleep for 24 hours."  She smiled at him.  "I had a great time.  Thank you."  She pushed herself off the door frame, stood on her toes and kissed his cheek.  "Goodnight, Harry."  She unlocked the door and went inside with one last wave.

 

Harry went back to his car and drove home.  It had been a great night.  He smiled the whole way home.  Who knows what they would be in the future.  But to have a day and night like they'd just had.  He wasn't going to complain.  There was hope, again, that they could be something to each other.  And at this point, that was a lot more than he had a year ago.  Yeah, he would call tonight a step in the right direction.  He could be patient.  He had to be patient.  He knew exactly what he was going to do for her birthday though.  Oh, he was quite excited about giving her the gift.

 

Julie walked into her room and fell back on her bed.  She had fought feelings for Harry for a year now.  Ones she knew were there.  Ones she admitted were there.  She was convinced it was over.  Especially the last time he was in LA.  When she'd told him she wasn't ready for any kind of relationship.  They'd spent almost 24 hours together and had a great time.  She felt comfortable; she felt relaxed.  She wasn't expecting that.  The sexual tension was there, as it always was, but they were able to play around with it instead of letting it get to be too much.  He was leaving for a few weeks coming up.  But after that?  Would they really be able to see what they could be?  Maybe.  Who knew?  She shook her head, got up to change, and then fell back into bed and to sleep quickly.


	31. Chapter 31

Julie walked in the door to Niall's house the morning of her birthday.It had been two days since her night out with Harry.She jumped when she saw Amanda leaning against the back of the couch, arms crossed, staring at her."You scared me."

 

"Where were you?Are you just coming home now?"Amanda asked her.

 

Julie wrinkled her eyebrows."Um, yes?"She took another step into the house."How long have you been sitting there?"

 

"I heard the car in the driveway. I've been waiting for you to come in."Amanda narrowed her eyes."Where were you?"

 

"You do realize that I live with you and Niall, but you're not actually my parents, right?"Julie shook her head and went to the fridge to grab a juice.

 

"Yes, I do, but you can still answer my question."Amanda said pushing herself off the couch and walking towards the kitchen."I'm having trouble keeping up with your social life these days."

 

Julie laughed and took a drink."Yeah?Doesn't seem all that busy to me."

 

"Well, two nights ago, you were out with Harry; then, last night you go out and don't come home until now.Niall was with Harry, so I know it wasn't with him."Amanda tried to put it together.

 

Julie laughed."You so bored with Niall already, you have to have details of my single affairs?"

 

"Shut up, no, that's not what I meant."Amanda laughed."Come on.What the fuck, JJ?You know I've been waiting for you and Harry to actually spend some time together. You know I feel you two love each other and are meant to be.I haven't seen you since then with work and your writing, and now apparently you staying out all night.Could you just pretend to be a normal best girlfriend and tell me everything?"

 

"You are making this into way more than it is."Julie gave up and sat down after grabbing some yogurt."Harry and I had a good time.We went bowling, played in the arcade, sat at the beach, and gave each other hell the whole time.It was a good night.He asked if he could call me, and I told him yes.We came home shortly after the sun came up.It was light and fun, and I enjoyed it.Last night, Marcus asked to take me out for an early birthday dinner.He took me to a dinner theater.It was nice."

 

"You went with Marcus, and you're just coming home now?At 10 am?"Amanda asked wide eyed.

 

"Yes.But again, probably not what you're thinking.Marcus is nice.He's sweet and very relaxed.Almost too relaxed.We've gone out, what?More than a handful of times, and I've gotten one brief kiss.And that was last night saying Happy Birthday.I never thought I would say this.But he's rather boring."

 

Amanda couldn't help but laugh.When Julie gave her a look, she just shrugged."Sorry, but I seem to recall you saying how it was what you needed not that long ago."

 

"It was nice.I mean it's still nice.But for fuck's sake, I can't even remember how many times we've gone out, and I mean, a little attempt at affection would have been nice.I mean, I'm ok taking things slow, but this is, yeah.Harry asked the other night if Marcus would be interested in him too, and I said no, I thought Marcus would be more interested in me, but I'm starting to wonder."

 

"JJ!"Amanda laughed harder.

 

"Well, come on, what mid twenty year old male do you know that wouldn't at least put their arm around you when you're out for the 5th or 6th time?Maybe, I should bring him around and see how he reacts to Niall.Maybe he will hit on him instead."Julie shrugged finishing her yogurt.

 

Niall groaned as he walked into the kitchen."What the fuck?No!You keep your crazy new friends away from me."

 

"She's talking about Marcus, not Jaime, Niall, so I think you're safe."Amanda said as she turned back to JJ."So, you spent the night anyway?"

 

"No, I met up with Jaime.I spent the night cuddling with Jaime."Julie laughed."I get more action from him than I do Marcus."

 

"Wait.I don't need to hear this.Happy Birthday, JJ.I hate you."Niall said kissing Amanda, grabbing a drink and disappearing back into his bedroom.

 

Julie laughed."Jaime just dropped me off.Seems to think he's coming back here later tonight for some sort of birthday celebration."Julie raised her eyebrows.

 

"Damn him!"Amanda said."He knew you didn't know.It's your birthday, JJ.Just deal with it.We didn't tell you because I knew you'd argue."She got up and went and hugged her."Happy Birthday, JJ.We love you, deal with it.And you will be here later.We even invited Marcus."

 

"Jaime was too excited. He didn't mean to tell me.He just wanted to know if my good night with Harry meant that Harry would be at the party.And I, of course, had no idea what he was talking about."Julie said grabbing a water now that her juice was gone."You know, I'm not really a big fan of birthdays.They've never been very good to me.I'd really prefer we just treated this day as any other day."

 

"Yeah, well, we're not going to.We will try every year, until you have an amazing birthday.Even though I'm convinced this year will be a good one."Amanda said grabbing a coffee and walking towards the front."I've got plans to finalize for tonight.Just be here, be friendly, and look cute.That's all you have to do."

 

"Be friendly?Who do you think I am?"Julie shook her head and walked towards her room."Did you invite Harry, Panda?"

 

"Well, I hadn't, but I think I'm going to now.Especially now that you think Marcus is boring."Amanda shrugged."Hey, what can I say, your happiness is all that matters, and there's no one who can make you happier than Harry.And I stick by that.Oh, except Jaime, but he can't give you what you need in the bedroom, and we know that Harry can."

 

"Amanda!"Julie exclaimed picking up a pillow from the couch and throwing it at her."That's not even funny!"

 

"Oh, it so is, and so, so, true."Amanda smirked setting the pillow back on the couch."Now, go take a nap so you're not too cranky tonight."

 

Julie stuck her tongue out at Amanda and then went to her room.She opened her closet door and moved some of the clothes hanging to the side.She turned the light on and stared at the big bear in the back of her closet.She had thought about getting rid of it.And almost had.But in a rash decision, she'd stuck it in the back of her closet.She took a deep breath.Maybe her 24th birthday hadn't been completely horrible.She stood there for a minute and then turned around to walk out.She reacted however and turned and grabbed the bear.She put it on her bed and then went and showered.When she came back, she pulled her covers down and climbed in.She pulled the bear closer and cuddled into it.She let out a deep breath.She traced over the tattoos on the chest and stomach of the bear.She was forever going to be in love with this....bear.Yeah, the bear, that's it.She sighed and closed her eyes.Well, she'd thought she'd craved boring.Marcus showed her she didn't.Apparently, she craved, crazy and busy and insane.The boy that inspired this bear was all of those things.It couldn't hurt to spend more time with him.It couldn't hurt to see if maybe this break was ok, and maybe they could get back together and be stronger for it.Maybe.Could she bring herself to give him another chance?Would it break her heart more to try and it not work, or to always wonder if it was a possibility?She hoped he would come tonight.She hoped she got to see him.

 

Later that evening....

 

They were a couple of hours into the party at Niall's.JJ seemed to be having a decent time.Amanda watched her, trying to be covert about it.Marcus was there, and he was paying attention to her, but Amanda couldn't help but notice JJ was right.He was attentive, he got her drinks, he grabbed her something to eat when the finger foods came out, he smiled at her a lot, but he always kept his distance.He was a good guy, he treated JJ with respect, and Amanda loved that.But maybe he was just a little reserved, a little bit too formal for JJ.Now, Jaime on the other hand.For not being into girls, he was all over JJ.Arm always around her.Kissing her on the lips every time he said Happy Birthday, which was quite often.She couldn't believe how opposite the two men JJ was hanging out with these days were.

 

Julie looked around.She was having a good time.Amanda knew just the right balance.There were enough people there so that Julie knew she was loved, but not too many where it would seem overwhelming.Marcus was there, sweet and caring as ever.She was lucky he was a part of her life, but more so now than ever, she realized she couldn't be anything more than friends with him.It was nice to spend time with him, but nice was just not enough.Jaime was there, and as always, the center of attention.He kept trying to get her to dance, but she kept telling him she hadn't had enough to drink yet.She thought she was safe, but she felt someone pull on her arm.She looked at Jaime smiling widely at her."Jaime.No one's even dancing!"

 

"The point, lover, the point, let's get this started."Jaime grabbed her hand and spun her around."I get you can be quite boring, but not on my watch."

 

Julie, at first, just stood and watched him; she was laughing too hard at his quite expressive dance moves.Blushing as the whole room watched them.After awhile though, he had grabbed her, and she found herself moving around with him.Smiling and laughing the whole time.

 

Harry walked into Niall's house a few hours after the party started.He was a lot later than he'd wanted to be.He'd had some filming to do, and of course, it took more time to get it exactly right than expected. He always loved water, but hours spent in a pool covered with oil had been exhausting. He couldn't leave until it was through, of course.Even though he wanted too multiple times.He took a few steps in and then saw it, Julie in the middle of the living room, dancing with Jaime.Smiling and laughing.It worked for her.He loved the smiles; he loved the laughs.He wished it was him that made her smile so unconsciously like that.He couldn't help but grin while he watched.Jaime was good for her.But Harry was counting his lucky stars that Jaime wasn't interested in her.It made it easier for him to watch her dance like that with another man.He felt that jealously creeping up though.Part of him wondered if Jaime wasn't actually interested.He looked over when Niall came up to him."Hey man, party's going well?"

 

"Yeah, she seems to be having a good time."He said nodding towards JJ."She's got two guys paying non-stop attention to her."

 

"Two?"Harry asked Niall.

 

"Yeah, two."Niall looked around and then pointed Marcus out."That's Marcus.Unless Jaime has her occupied, Marcus is making sure she's fed well and always has a drink.It's rather annoying, honestly."

 

"Oh, Marcus.Yeah."Harry said looking at the man in question maybe just a little too long."Of course, he'd be here."

 

Niall laughed."Yeah, well, earlier today, I heard JJ telling Amanda how boring Marcus was, so, if you want, I don't think you'll have issues replacing him."

 

"Replacing? Ok, Niall.How much have you had to drink?"Harry asked."Well, I'm going to talk to her.So, we'll see."He watched Julie walk away from Jaime and over to pick up her drink.Marcus was by her side right away.But he gave her a new drink and took her old glass.Seemed rather platonic.Especially since Julie told him she'd gone out with him quite a few times.He wasn't complaining though.Wasn't like watching that dickhead doctor at Amanda and Niall's engagement party.

 

Julie looked up when she heard Jaime.Loud and over the top.He said.'Oh, you got me a birthday present on your birthday.'She saw him put his hands over his mouth, and she followed his gaze.The next thing out of his mouth was a screech and then he said, 'She got me Harry Styles.'She shook her head and looked at Harry's face who had gotten quite embarrassed at all of the attention that was suddenly being thrown at him.Julie's own heart was beating quite fast the moment she saw him.

 

Harry stopped when Jaime practically shouted that he was there.He looked at Julie who was smiling at him.He watched her shrug her shoulders and shake her head.Before he knew it, Jaime was in front of him, giving him a hug.More of a hug than he expected."Hey, Jaime, right?It's nice to meet you."

 

"Oh, my gawd."Jaime said to Harry.He had to look up as Harry was quite a bit taller than him."I was hoping you would come!I've been begging JJ to introduce me for as long as I've known she knew you.And the other day, she just scooted me along!How are you?"Jaime said excitedly running his hands over Harry's biceps."Good, lawd, you're strong."

 

"Thanks.Yeah, seemed a bit odd, she had you leave so quickly."Harry raised his eyebrows at Julie and then looked back at Jaime."I hear she's told you some lies about me, too.About certain parts of my anatomy."

 

Jaime actually blushed when Harry said that."Oh, honey, I didn't believe a word she said."He waved his hand dismissively."We all know how those bitter exes can be."

 

Julie just about choked on her drink when she saw Jaime all over Harry.She couldn't seem to stop watching though.Harry took it really well.He smiled at Jaime the whole time.When she overheard the last part of the conversation, her mouth fell open."Excuse me, Jaime.A what?I get you have a crush, but hello, best friend here."

 

"Oh, you heard that?"Jaime said placing his hands over his face."Sorry, I couldn't help myself."He checked Harry out, up and down, eyes wandering over his middle."It's just so obvious what the truth is."

 

Julie did a face palm on her forehead."Ok, Jaime, I think it's time to lay off the Patron."She shook her head.She looked up at Harry who had turned a bit red, but still didn't seem too phased by it. There was a hint of tiredness no one else would pick up on, but she knew him to well.

 

"Well, at least we know someone who tells the truth."Harry said to her winking.Why not play along, there was no harm?Julie seemed happy.He liked her happy.

 

"He wants to see it, so of course he's going to talk a good game."Julie said shrugging her shoulders and putting her hands up as to say I don't know.

 

"Mean girl."Harry said.Playing off of the other night.

 

"Ok, gorgeous, birthday girl."Jaime said looking at her."Get that pretty face over here and give us a birthday kiss.I'm going to frame it."He grabbed Julie's hand and pulled her to him and Harry.He stuck her in the middle and took a selfie with the three of them."Oh, who am I kidding?"He moved her to the side and stood between her and Harry."How about a birthday kiss for me?"He asked.He looked up at Harry."From you too, handsome."

 

"Jaime.Really?"Julie asked."Don't be..."She started, but she got interrupted.

 

"Alright."Harry said.He looked at the shocked look on Julie's face.He just shrugged."Ready?"Jaime counted to three and he kissed his cheek as Julie kissed his other."Alright Jaime, but maybe don't share that for a few days."

 

"Oh, sweetie, this is for my eyes only.I would have turned to catch those lips, but I was a bit shocked."Jaime said staring at the picture.He then grabbed Julie."I need another drink."He hugged and kissed her."Happy Birthday, gorgeous."He practically skipped away from the two of them.

 

Harry looked down at Julie."Yeah, what he said."He leaned down and kissed her cheek."Happy Birthday."He smiled."You know this is the third birthday I've been around for, and it's the first one I've actually gotten to say it on your actual birthday."

 

"Yeah, I just told Panda earlier I wasn't fond of birthdays, and really didn't want this party, but no one listens to me."She said putting her hand on his chest as he kissed her cheek."But so far, this isn't half bad."She looked up at him."Sorry about Jaime."

 

Harry laughed."Oh, no worries, he's fun.I like him.Plus, he treats you really well. I like that.He makes you smile.I really like that.And I don't have to be jealous.That's my favorite part."He looked up as Marcus walked over.He listened as Marcus asked Julie if she wanted another drink and watched as Marcus tucked a piece of hair behind her ear.When Marcus walked away, he looked at Julie."Unlike some others I have to watch out for."

 

"Jealous?Really?"Julie shook her head.

 

"Yes, Julie.Jealous."He played with the piece of hair that Marcus tucked behind her ear."I was hoping he wouldn't be here tonight."

 

She looked down at the floor and shivered when he played with the piece of hair Marcus had tucked behind her ear."He's good to me."She looked up when he stiffened up."But we're not together, Harry.Things just aren't that way.Honestly, I'm not sure he's that into me.We went out many times and nothing seemed to happen.I know you don't want details, but I would have expected more if he really wanted anything other than friendship."

 

Harry cringed."Ok, don't pick now to overshare.There are SO many other things I want you to tell me about.This is not one of them."He took her hand."I brought you something for your birthday.I was wondering if I could give it to you in private."

 

She looked up at him."Private?And you didn't have to get me a gift."

 

"Yes, it's something I'd like to give to you alone."He said pulling her hand towards the outside patio.

 

"Harry, we aren't going to do those types of things. I thought you made that very clear, since we're not together."Julie said teasing him as they walked towards the patio.

 

"I'd be dragging you to your room, if that's what I was giving you right now."He chuckled at her."You and your dirty mind.Remind me to thank Jaime for opening up that part of you."

 

"Ugh, I talked about your snakes, er, and your snake."She said as her eyes wondered to his zipper."Long before I met Jaime."

 

"That you did."He said chuckling again.He stepped her outside and then closed the patio door behind him.He walked up to her and pulled an envelope out of his inside jacket pocket.He held it out for her to take."Happy Birthday, Julie.I know the last couple of years have been stressful and complicated.Mainly by me.But you deserve to be happy, and I hope this helps just a little."

 

She looked up at him shocked.She fought the tears coming to her eyes."Really with the sweet and sappy right now?We were doing so well with the sexual teasing."She said looking down at the envelope.

 

"Yeah, well, we can go back to that later.Can you please just open the envelope, smart ass?"He said looking down at her tear-filled eyes.

 

Julie took a deep breath and opened the envelope.She pulled out the contents and looked over them.She stood there staring at them.She couldn't believe what she saw.She slowly raised her eyes to his, but she couldn't say anything.She just kept looking alternately into his eyes.Tears slowly forming and filling both of her eyes.

 

"Do you like it?"He asked taking his thumb and wiping the tear that dripped from her eye onto her cheek.He stood there watching her.She still hadn't said a thing.He stared at her for what seemed like forever waiting for a reaction."You hate it, don't you?"He barely got the words out when she jumped into his arms.Envelope and contents wrapping around his neck with her arms, her legs wrapping around his waist to hold herself up.

 

"I love it, so, so much."She whispered against his neck as she buried her face between his neck and his shoulder.This man.There was no one more thoughtful than he was.


	32. Chapter 32

When Julie put her feet down on the ground, Harry kept his hands on her waist as she stepped back. She was back looking at the contents of the envelope. She had a completely overwhelmed look on her face. Julie couldn't stop fingering through everything. He chuckled when she hadn't moved. "So, does that mean that I did good?"

 

A smirk spread across Julie's face. "Yes, Harry, you did good." She looked up at him. "You didn't have to, but it's great."

 

"I'm glad." He looked down at her, and then at his hands still on her waist. She didn't seem to care. Or at least she didn't notice. "I figured it's past time."

 

"Yeah, I still can't believe it." She put her hand on his arm. "Thank you." She looked over to the door when she heard it open.

 

"What's going on out here? Leaving me out isn't nice." Jaime said walking out onto the patio. "Ooooh, what's that?" He asked taking the contents out of Julie's hands.

 

Julie snatched it back from Jaime. "Not nice. That's mine, thank you. Well, Harry gave me a birthday present." She tucked the contents safely back into the envelope. "And I was just admiring it. I shouldn't be surprised, but I am."

 

"Well, what is it?" Jaime asked.

 

"Yeah, I wanna know what it is, too." Amanda said stepping onto the patio.

 

"Even I do." Niall said appearing behind Amanda, grinning at the happiness radiating from Julie.

 

"Goodness, I was out of the house for what like 10 minutes and y'all miss me already?" Julie said shaking her head. When she looked up and saw three people staring at her with arms crossed, she gave up. "Fine, so much for having a moment for myself." She looked up at Harry and smiled. "I'm going to visit Harrietta in South Africa, via Jamaica. I'm assuming since I'm going to Jamaica first that someone else is coming with me." When Harry nodded, she let out a deep breath. She couldn't believe he'd actually done this. Actually, no, she believed it. He was such a kind, caring, generous, and perceptive man. He would know she wouldn't have been able to do this, and he knew that she wouldn't want anything more. She was still overwhelmed though.

 

"Yes, I am. I'm going to take a few days away from Jamaica to go. It's already set in the schedule. I'm glad you like it, and I'm glad we get to do it together." He said taking a piece of hair off her shoulders. "I'm glad it makes you smile like that, too."

 

Julie reached over and squeezed his hand. "I'm forever grateful. I can't believe I get to see her!" She hopped from one foot to the other and then Jaime grabbed her and jumped around with her. God, she didn't know what she did without him. He brought her out of her shell. She laughed as he picked her up and spun her around.

 

"Oh, my gawd! My love!" Jaime spun her around and then set her back on her feet. "There better be another ticket to Jamaica at least! How could you even think of going without me?"

 

"Sorry, Jaime." Harry said chuckling. "I just got her one. And then two to South Africa. Maybe next time buddy." He clapped Jaime on the back.

 

"You'll regret it!" Jaime said. He put his arm around Julie and pulled her to him. "But as long as this little lady has that big smile on her face, I'm all for it. I may even give up my dream of being on Harry Styles' arm. But only for you, pumpkin." He tapped Julie's nose and then grabbed her hand and pulled her inside. He handed Harry back the envelope and told him to keep it safe. "We need a drink!" He threw his hand up sassily and walked back into the party.

 

Harry chuckled and safely placed the envelope back in the inside pocket of his jacket. He looked at Amanda when she shook her head at him. "What?" He asked her with a smile.

 

"Part of me wants to stay mad at you for breaking her heart a year ago. Part of me wants to tell you to stuff it, because she deserved better then what you did to her." She took a deep breath and narrowed her eyes. "But then, you make her happy and smile like that, and I want nothing more than to root for you and hope you two get back together. It's SO frustrating."

 

Harry laughed. "Yes, I know. I was a daft, inconsiderate bastard. I'm learning. Now I'm only that way part of the time." He placed his arm around Amanda's shoulders and walked inside with her. "But, I think, as much as I hate to admit it, I think that crazy, over the top, colorful human being over there, may be what she needed all along." He pointed towards Jaime and Julie. Jaime was plying her with shots. He watched Jaime climb on the table and hold a shot in the air. "It worries me just a little though."

 

Amanda laughed. "Yeah, who knew our reserved little JJ would get on so well with her complete opposite."

 

"I'm kind of glad he's got a thing for me though. Otherwise, right now, I'd be COMPLETELY jealous." Harry said standing with his arm still around Amanda's shoulders. He pulled her close to him with a side hug. "I can't thank you enough, ya know. For always being on her side. For always doing what's best for her, even if in the moment, it drives me crazy."

 

"Well, that will always be the case. So, just watch yourself." Amanda said looking up at him. "Be sure, Harry. If she chooses to let you back in, you could hurt her even more this next time than the last. It's going to take a lot to trust someone, completely, who let her down before."

 

"I know, Mum." Harry teased. "I won't push her, or beg, and trust me I've wanted to beg. It's up to her. But she will know that I'm here if she's ready."

 

"And Marcus? What if she chooses him? Or someone else?" Amanda asked. She was curious to what his answer would.

 

"Then I'd have to live with it, right? I would hate every second of her telling me that it was someone else she wanted, but it's my fault we aren't together." Harry shrugged. "I hope it doesn't come to that. Maybe I've set myself up for disappointment. But this past summer, and even the past couple of days, gave me hope back. Maybe we will only be friends, but I hope we can be more than that."

 

"Well, if you make her happy, then that's all I want. But hurt her again, and I won't be as neutral." Amanda said poking him in the side. She walked over to JJ and took a shot that Jaime handed her. They toasted to the birthday girl. Amanda stood with her arm around JJ. Tonight was a great night. She knew JJ could have a great birthday. She was so glad it could be this one.

 

The party lasted well into the morning. Harry had just helped the final party guest into a cab. Marcus had bowed out early, and Harry was happy to see that. All that remained were himself, Niall, Amanda, and Jaime. He and Niall seemed to be the only sober ones left in the place. He'd had a couple of drinks himself, but found himself entertained without drinking. He also wanted to make sure there was no trouble. Julie telling him she hated birthdays, and didn't want to think about them, made him sad. This one seemed to be going well for her, so he wanted to make sure he could stave off any trouble that might happen. Besides a couple people overdoing the drinking, and him having to call them cabs to get them home, there wasn't much drama. He took a few things to the kitchen and walked back into the living room. He laughed when he saw Julie cuddled up to Jaime passed out on the couch and Amanda lying on Julie. He shook his head when Niall came back in from taking out some garbage. "Quite the night, eh lad? Thanks for doing this for her."

 

"Yeah, everyone seemed to have a good time. Birthday girl included. I'd do it for her again in a heartbeat. You know that." Niall said looking around the room. "Well, I think the rest can wait until later to clean up. I'm going to get Amanda to bed." He looked at Harry. "I can come back and take care of JJ and Jaime if you'd like. He'd usually stay with JJ, but I can get him to the spare room instead."

 

Harry laughed. "Yeah, I'll take care of it. Is the spare room set?"

 

"Yeah, I figured someone would have to use it." He laughed and bent down and picked Amanda up off the couch.

 

"Huh?" Amanda said when Niall picked her up. "Is the party over?"

 

Niall and Harry both laughed and then Niall looked down at her. "Yes, Princess, the party's over. And even if it wasn't, it is for you."

 

"Hey, I can make that decision for myself." Amanda tried to argue with him, sleepily looking up at him.

 

"Of course, you can. And you did. When you passed out on the couch." Niall turned and took her towards the bedroom. "Goodnight, Harry. And if you need help. Just let me know."

 

Harry grinned and shook his head at Amanda and Niall. He then turned his attention back to Jaime and Julie. Ok, so how would this work? It would be easier to get Julie into bed first since she was lying on Jaime's side, but that's not how he wanted to do it. He gently moved her to the other end of the couch. He looked at the two of them. Ok, he could just cover Jaime up and leave him there. It'd make it much easier. Nah, he could get him into the spare room. He nudged Jaime gently. "Hey, man, party's over. Let's get you to bed." When Jamie grumbled, Harry repeated himself and nudged him again.

 

Jaime thought he was dreaming at first. Hearing Harry Style's voice saying 'let's get you to bed'. But then he realized where he was. That it was actually happening. "Oh, handsome, you don't have to tell me twice." He reached his hands out and wiggled his fingers and was over the moon when Harry grabbed them and helped him up. He stumbled into Harry and put his hands on his chest. "Oh, lawd." He ran his hands all over him. "Always more impressive than I ever realized."

 

"Yeah, thanks." Harry said shaking his head. "So, spare room is down this way." He said leading Jaime towards the room. He could feel Jaime's eyes on his ass as he walked. It was a bit intimidating. He was ok with it, for the most part, but it seemed more than a little intimate. Maybe he should have asked for Niall's help. He opened the door, walked Jaime to the bed. and sat him down. "Ok, do you think you can manage the rest from here?"

 

"Well, I wouldn't complain if you helped undress me." Jaime pouted, clapping the bed beside him. "Or, you could join me."

 

"Yeah, uh, that's a great offer. But, I, uh, I have to get Julie to bed. So, I will have to pass." Harry said walking towards the door. "Have a good sleep, Jaime."

 

Jaime flopped back on the bed. "Gosh, turned down for the pretty brunette with the blue eyes. Story of my life." He giggled and curled up on his side with the pillow. "Well, you can't stop me from dreaming about you."

 

Harry laughed and shook his head as he walked out and closed the door. He walked back out to the couch expecting Julie to still be asleep. He'd planned on picking her up and taking her to bed. He was surprised to see her sitting up on the couch with her head in her hands. He couldn't help but chuckle. "Well, I was going to take you to bed, but maybe some water and some aspirin first?"

 

"Harry...." Julie warned.

 

"Yeah, let me just go get that." He waited until he got out of the room before he laughed. He grabbed the ibuprofen and a bottle of water and brought it to her. "Here, love." He opened it, gave her a couple of pills and opened the water.

 

"I'm surprised you're still here." She took the pills and swallowed them with the water. She then drank the rest of the bottle of water.

 

"Well, I just took, well, I was going to say your boyfriend, but maybe he's my boyfriend? To the spare room. And I was coming to take you to bed." He said taking the empty bottle from her.

 

Julie shook her head. "If my head wasn't killing me right now, I might have even laughed at that. I'm sure Jaime enjoyed you putting him to bed. What about Marcus?"

 

"Oh, he jetted long before the party was over." He smiled and twisted his lips. She wasn't looking at him, so it was safe. He was so glad Marcus had left. He would have wanted to be the caretaker tonight, and Harry just couldn't have allowed that.

 

Julie took a deep breath. "Doesn't surprise me. I'm sure it got a little rowdy for his liking." She tried to stand up and got a little dizzy so she sat back down. "Yeah, maybe I can just sleep on the couch."

 

Harry laughed. When she picked her head up and glared at him, he apologized. "I'm sorry. But I haven't seen you like this since Amanda's birthday almost two years ago."

 

Julie groaned. "And you had to remind me about that night? As long as you aren't going to tell me I did something comparable to that. If you are, save it."

 

"No, no, nothing like that." Harry chuckled. "But if I can get Jaime to bed, I'm pretty sure I can get you to bed." He bent down and scooped her up easily.

 

"Yeah, but Jaime probably went with you a lot more willingly." Julie said, but she wrapped her arms around his neck and laid her head on his shoulder.

 

"No doubt. Maybe you should act more like Jaime when you see me." He said carrying her towards her bedroom.

 

"Not a chance, Styles. Not a chance." She took a deep breath and inhaled his scent. She felt a feeling of contentment wash over her. Familiarity and safeness, she hadn't felt in a very long time.

 

Harry opened the door to Julie's room and stepped in and shut it behind him. He turned towards her bed and saw the big teddy bear he had gotten her two years ago lying on her bed. He never thought he'd see that again. He smiled and then noticed he had stopped walking when he saw it. He felt Julie pick up her head. "Sorry, was caught off guard by the big guy in your bed."

 

Julie had forgotten all about bringing the bear out and leaving him on her bed. "Oh, yeah, sorry. He's a great boyfriend. He cuddles whenever I want, and he listens very well. And he's a man of little words. VERY nice quality."

 

Harry raised his eyebrows at her. "Even drunk you have a smart mouth."

 

"I'm not drunk." Julie giggled. "Yeah, yeah, can you just give me to my boyfriend, please? I'm ready for bed."

 

Harry set her down gently so she was sitting on the bed. "Let me get you something to sleep in."

 

"Did you help Jaime get into his pajamas, too?" She asked him cuddling into her bear.

 

"Yeah, of course." Harry replied rolling his eyes. "I'm not sure who enjoyed it more."

 

"I imagine it was him. But, hey, if you did too, I'm happy for you. He'll be a very attentive lover." She said yawning and holding the bear tighter.

 

"Listen, could you at least pretend not to want to give me to the first person who flirts with me?" Harry asked setting a t-shirt and shorts on the bed next to her.

 

"Nope." She said sitting up and grabbing the clothes.

 

"Right. I will go get you another bottle of water." He left the room. Last thing he needed to see, while he was trying to behave and let her make the decision of coming back to him, was her changing in front of him. Ok, well he would like to see it, but not when he had to keep his hands off of her. He took his time, and grabbed the bottle of water. He knocked quietly and then when he didn't hear her say anything, he went inside. She was back cuddling with the bear. Eyes closed. He smiled, put the water on her nightstand and covered her up with her blanket. He watched her for a few moments and then turned to leave.

 

"Harry?" Julie said pushing herself up and looking at him. "Thank you again for the amazing birthday gift. I can't ever thank you enough for it."

 

Harry turned and smiled when he heard her. "Of course. I'm glad I was right, and it is something you'd love. I honestly can't wait to see her myself. I'm sure she's gotten quite big."

 

"She has." Julie said. She got the picture updates. Harry didn't. She hadn't shown him because they hadn't been spending anytime together. "I will show you the pictures before we leave." She lay back down on the pillows holding onto the bear.

 

He took the envelope and put it in her drawer. "There you go. Now it's all yours. I'm glad you had a good birthday, Julie. Hopefully it's a sign of many more to come. Sleep well, hope you don't feel too horrible when you wake. Give me a call, when you feel up to showing me the pictures." He opened the door. "Goodnight, Julie." He turned to leave.

 

"Harry?" Julie asked sitting back up.

 

Harry stopped and turned back and looked at her. "Yeah?"

 

"Stay?" She asked. She wasn't sure why she asked. But it felt right. And no matter how much she joked, the bear just wasn't the same as having his arms around her. She blushed when she looked at his face. "I mean, if you want, you don't have to."

 

Harry couldn't help the shocked expression on his face. When she started stammering and backtracking out of her question, he stepped towards her. "Julie, it's ok. If it's really ok with you, I'd love to stay. Just be sure."

 

"Just, as my friend? For now?" She said. "It's just...I'd like to feel safe and content for a night."

 

Friend. He took a deep breath. It was a start. He kept telling himself a friend is where he needed to start. "Of course, I'll just replace the bear. For tonight." He took another breath to steady himself and get his emotions in check. He then grabbed the bear and tossed it to the corner. "Get out of the way, replacement."

 

"Hey!" Julie said. "Be nice to him!" When Harry sat down on the bed, she took her feet and pushed him off onto the floor. "I could change my mind."

 

Harry laughed when he landed on the floor. "I sometimes forget how mean you are." He reached up and grabbed her legs and pulled her down to him. "We could just both sleep on the floor."

 

Julie screeched a little when he grabbed her and pulled her down to him. "Damn it. I think you're really the mean one." She slapped his chest and then scrambled back up to the bed. "Give me my bear back. Told you he was a great companion."

 

"Not gonna happen. I'm tired now. I can't make it home." He climbed back up in the bed with her. "And the spare room is occupied. And before you say it. Yes, I'm sure Jaime would more than welcome me to share his bed, but it's NOT going to happen. You're stuck with me." He reached over and pulled her to him. "You might as well just get comfortable." He watched her cuddle up to him. God, he'd missed this. The way she fit against his side. The way her head fit between his shoulder and his chin. The smell of her green apple shampoo. Yeah, he could handle this. He could behave with her lying in bed with him. Even though he'd missed it for over a year. Even though nothing he'd done since he broke up with her had brought him this feeling. No matter how close he was to anyone else, he never felt like this. He could do it. As long as his heart didn't jump out of his chest. He was surprised she could sleep with it pounding so hard right against her ear.

 

Julie gasped quietly when he pulled her to him. It was what she wanted and longed for, but still she was slightly shocked. She settled down against his chest. She closed her eyes and tried not to think too much about it. She would blame the alcohol for wanting his arms around her. Yeah, that was it. It was the alcohol. At least for now. At least to keep her head straight now. It was nothing but the alcohol.


	33. Chapter 33

When Julie woke up, it took her a moment to realize she wasn't in Jaime's arms.He'd been the only one she'd cuddled with for months.Before she even opened her eyes though, she recognized the smell of the one she was laying with.It wasn't Jaime.She looked at the clock.Holy shit.It was afternoon already.She didn't think she had slept that long, that hard, in well, a year.She gently pushed herself up off Harry's chest and sat up.She was thirsty.She grabbed the bottle of water from the night stand and finished it.She still needed more.She got up gently, so she wouldn't wake Harry and walked towards the kitchen.

 

"Well, look at you, sunshine."Jaime said."You look well rested and not at all hung over.How is that possible?"He gave a smile when she started blushing."Oooohhh, does that mean a certain hot boy is going to be coming out of your room anytime now?"He clapped his hands together."Did he take away all the pain?"

 

"Jaime.Not the time."Julie said smacking him lightly on the back of the head as she walked by."Next time, it will be harder if you can't behave."

 

He rubbed the back of his head."Ugh, not nice, my head is killing me.You know, I told him he could stay with me last night, er, this morning; maybe I would be less hungover.Worked out all the alcohol, ya know, kinda like you."

 

Julie shook her head and grabbed some water."Didn't happen, Jaime.Not that it's any of your business."She took a drink and set it on the counter across from Jaime."But he did tell me you offered, very kind of you."

 

"Oh, he's talking about me?"Jaime winked at Julie and then took a drink of his coffee."Well, that's not a fair comparison, you've already had him.But, I guess I'm not sure if that would be easier, or harder, to turn him down.I mean, knowing how good he is, it could be more difficult to turn down."He twisted his lips and looked up at the ceiling."Yeah, that'd be hard.Knowing how he made your body feel.To say no."He looked at Julie."So, how'd that go?"

 

Julie rubbed her face."Jaime.That's enough.But it wasn't hard at all.Some of us don't have to have sex with every hot guy we see."

 

"Well that's a shame it wasn't 'hard', JJ."Jaime raised his eyebrows."I'm sure it could have been if done properly.Plus, you'd already had sex with said hot guy, why not again?"

 

Julie groaned."Well, first you know it's more complicated than that.Second, that's not what I meant, and you know that.And third, I don't know why I bother trying to have a conversation with you."

 

"Oh, beautiful, you can have conversations with me, just mostly about sex.With hot boys."Jaime said sassily.

 

"Shut up, Jaime."Julie rolled her eyes and focused on making a cup of coffee."Why haven't you left yet?"

 

"Because I was hoping to see a certain hot guy this morning.Figured there was a good chance of running into him."He said sipping his coffee and eyeing Julie over his mug."And I was right."

 

"You can leave now.Then you wouldn't see him.Works for me."She said.

 

"What works for you?"Amanda said shuffling her feet slowly walking into the kitchen."Ugh, can I have coffee, too?"She whined.

 

"Oh, Harry stayed in JJ's room last night, and she's trying to convince me nothing happened, ya know, other than actual sleep."Jaime filled Amanda in.

 

"Ah," Amanda said looking over at JJ."Well, Jaime, with that one, you know it's possible.Although, she has had a hard time turning him down in the past.Like the first time they stayed together, and when he came here drunk after they broke up.She regretted both, but it still happened."

 

"What the hell?Amanda!"Julie shook her head."I never said I slept with him the night he came here drunk.Why do conversations with the both of you turn into talks about my sex life?I have no sex life.You two have FAR MORE SEX than I do.Why don't you two talk to each other about that?"She handed Amanda a cup of coffee and then made herself one.

 

"Because it's far less entertaining."Jaime said.When Julie glared at him, he giggled and continued."Come on, Amanda sleeps with Niall ALL the time.It's OLD news."He looked at Amanda and shrugged."Sorry, but it's true.And my escapades are pretty much the same.Happens often, but the same.Now, you, on the other hand, I can't get a handle on."

 

Julie leaned against the counter with her mug."What's that supposed to mean?I can make it really easy for you.I'm not having sex with anyone."

 

Jaime looked at Amanda, and they both laughed."Yes, sweetheart, we get that."Jaime said."Thing is, you could be."

 

"Well, that hasn't exactly been my goal lately."Julie said.She shook her head."In fact, it's kinda been the point NOT to have sex lately."

 

"Oh, girl, I was needed to come into your life.What's with all this crazy talk?You are young, you are beautiful, and you are amazing.You should be out making the boys weak in the knees.If I wasn't into the same hot boys as you, I would so have worked my magic on you."Jaime said walking up to her and cupping her cheeks with his hands."You need to let loose, sugar plum.You have it, use it, flaunt it, get what you want with it."

 

Julie took his hands from her face and shook her head."I am not the female version of you, love."She pushed him away."Sex is not the problem.It's everything else."

 

"Screw everything else."Jaime said walking back to his seat."Ok, no, screw the hot boys.Forget everything else.You have Mr. Boring wanting to take care of your every need."

 

"Well, except that need."Amanda interrupted.She was content having Jaime take on JJ's stubbornness this morning, but she just had to chime in on that topic.

 

"What?!"Jaime exclaimed his hands on his own cheeks, mouth in a big O."That boy treats you like a queen.He's so far up your ass every time you're together, I thought for sure you were giving it to him good."

 

"Jaime!!!"Julie said."I think I've had enough of this conversation."

 

"No, no, no."Jaime said."Ok, so, again, you have Mr. Boring, and Mr. Sexy, and I'm telling you that you could probably do both of them, if you choose.So, who are you choosing?"

 

Amanda laughed and took a drink of her coffee.Oh, she totally wanted to hear JJ's answer to this, but she was glad it was Jaime doing the questioning.She wouldn't have been as brave.

 

"Fuck off, Jaime."Julie said pushing herself off the counter."I am not dealing with this, this morning."

 

"Ok, slow down there, sassy."He got up and took her hands and sat her down on the stool next to him."Seriously, you're taking this, independent, 'I need to do everything for myself and be alone forever' thing just a little bit too far.I mean, look I get it, from what you've told me, I may have had a moment of I need to do me time, too.But it's been long enough.For real."

 

"You have no idea, Jaime."Julie said.Damn him for thinking his status as one of her best friends gave him the right to do this."I tried to let someone in.I tried to be the girlfriend, and still stand on my own, and look how well that turned out for me.Everyone thinks they know, but they don't know.My head is fucked from the inside.I question EVERYTHING.Every intention from someone else.Every decision I make.Every thought I have.I question it.And I never convince myself any option is right.Do you want to know why, even as boring as he is sometimes, it's nice to hang with Marcus?Because I KNOW what it's going to be.I KNOW what to expect.I KNOW that I will be comfortable.And sometimes I need that.So, MAYBE, boring is what I should go with.Because at least I know where I stand, at least I know what's going to come, and at least I know I'm in control."

 

Amanda and Jaime looked at each other, and Jaime took her hands.Amanda walked behind Julie and wrapped her arms around Julie's shoulders.But before either could say anything, they heard a voice from across the living room.

 

"Julie?"Harry asked stepping towards them."Do you, uh, wanna go out for breakfast?"He hadn't heard too much of the exchange, but even more than the words she said, he could tell she was frustrated by the way she said them.

 

"Great."Julie mumbled."Thanks guys."She stood up from between them and looked at Harry."Yeah, it would be nice to get out of here actually."She looked at Amanda and Jaime and then walked past Harry to her room.

 

"How much did you hear?"Amanda asked Harry.

 

"Enough."He said walking to get a bottle of water."I get, that sometimes we need to try to open her up.But, I think you two need to learn when to stop."

 

"We aren't you, Harry."Jaime said looking at him."Look, you can't question her like that.But we can.And we need to.She's never going to give you, or anyone else, a chance if someone doesn't get her to think about these things.I like to have fun, I like to tease and joke and bring her out of her shell, but at the end of the day, I want to see her happy.Whether it's with you, or Marcus, or neither, that's fine.But she's never going to figure it out if she keeps hiding behind her 'I need to do everything for myself because I can't count on anyone else' thing.And trust me, she's hiding a lot more about her feelings than everyone else thinks.Probably even you.I'm guessing you think you've got a chance with her, right?Well, you're wrong, at least right now.She's not open to anything other than what's happening now.She's convinced if she's showing she's laughing and having fun, that it's all ok.It's not.She's not.She's got a lot going on in that head.She just thinks we're all blind to it."

 

Harry just stared at Jaime.He'd never heard him talk anything like that.He couldn't believe it.Harry should have known there had to be another layer, beyond the over the top personality he'd seen every time they'd interacted.But this was a lot."So, she's faking being ok hanging out with me?Having fun?Laughing?"

 

"No, not faking.But that's as far as it's going to go right now."Jaime explained."She's not willing to open herself up to anything more.So, if you're good with where you stand now, then that's fine.But if you want more,SOMEONE has to get her to admit that she can be more to someone else."

 

Amanda shrugged at Harry."Yeah, the first time I heard him explain JJ to me I was shocked, too.Seems our friend Jaime reads her pretty well."

 

"Well, right now, I think you need to back off."Harry said, a touch angrily."She's been through some shit, some of it caused by me, and I don't want anyone pushing her to make any choices she's not ready to make when it comes to me especially.Pushing her to choose something she's not ready for won't help."

 

Amanda raised her eyebrows at Harry."Well, I don't think I've ever been lectured by you before.Usually it's me doing the lecturing."

 

Harry ran his hands through his hair."You aren't helping, neither of you.You're only hurting.She doesn't need the pressure.She already questions everything.Let her get through it.Please.I know you both love her, I get it.But please, we have to let this be her decision.I love her, and I want her to choose to give me another chance, but not because either of you convinced her to.But because SHE truly wants it.And as much as it will hurt if she doesn't, at least it's her choice."

 

"Of course, it's her choice, Harry."Jaime said to him."But in order to make a choice, she has to think about it, accept it, and move to it.She isn't.And as much as I like you single, and being able to make a move on you, if it's you that makes my girl smile and happy,then it's what I want, too."Jaime saw Julie coming down the hall."But you're always more than welcome to take me out whenever you want."He knew Julie wouldn't take too kindly about them speaking about her when she was out of the room."Well, if my two favorite people are leaving, then I guess I am too."He looked at Amanda."Sorry love, you're on my list as well, but..."He tossed over his shoulder as he walked to the door.

 

"Yeah, Jaime, thanks."Amanda said laughing."See you soon, I'm sure."

 

"I'm sure. I'm going to need deets on the breakfast date."He opened the door."Love you, JJ.Oh, and if you wanna give Harry my number, he can call me anytime."He gave a grand wave and left.

 

"JJ, I have no idea how anyone keeps that man quiet during your writing classes and groups."Amanda said shaking her head."Have fun you two."

 

"No one does, Panda, no one does."Julie waved to Amanda and walked out the door with Harry.She got into his car and watched out the window as he pulled away.He had stayed as quiet as she did.

 

"Julie..."He started to say to her.

 

"How much did you hear?"She asked glancing over, interrupting him.

 

"Enough.I thought you could use a break."He said glancing at her and then back at the road.

 

"Yeah, well.I guess they mean well."Julie said shaking her head."Love em both, but sometimes they think they know what's best."

 

"Yeah, I may have, maybe, given them just a little bit of hell when you walked out of the room."Harry said."Sorry."

 

Julie chuckled."Well, I'm sure they deserved it."

 

"Yeah, maybe a little."Harry said.He pulled into Annie's.They were used to seeing them in there and wouldn't give them any trouble.He opened the door and let Julie in, and they took their usual seat in the back.He looked over at her after they got a coffee and placed their order."Are we going to talk about it?"

 

Julie sighed."So what did you hear?And what did you want to talk about?"

 

He sighed."Julie...."He didn't know what to say actually.Hearing the words she'd said at the end of the conversation with Amanda and Jaime bothered him some."Well, I thought we had moved forward from what happened a year ago."He placed his hand gently over hers when she started playing with the spoon by her coffee cup."It's ok, you know.You can talk to me.You don't have to defend anything you say."

 

She sighed.He'd heard too much.Damn it."We have, mostly.But that doesn't mean I have forgotten it.Or that I don't have some pretty deep feelings about it.It hurt, Harry.More than I was willing, hell, more than I AM willing to admit.And as much as I'm trying to trust you and believe it would be different this time, it's hard.Things aren't the same as they were.And I know you heard what I said about Marcus, didn't you?"

 

Harry nodded."I did.Trying to understand."

 

"Well, I know what's going to happen with him.I know that I'm in control and that nothing will happen that I don't initiate.It's safe, and structured, and yes, a bit boring.But I never question it."She looked at their hands and then up at him."And with you.That's not the case.I'm nervous, and my heart beats a million miles a minute, and I wonder what possibly could happen next.What I'm going to feel when you touch me or talk to me.And for some people that's what they want.That's what they're looking for.But for me, it's SO out of my control."

 

Harry chuckled.That control thing.She hadn't been in control more than a few times when they were together, and he knew that always bothered her."Sometimes, Julie, it's ok to lose control.Especially when you know the person you're with will be there for you."

 

"Will you, Harry?Be there for me?When my world is spinning out of control?"She pulled her hand out from under his."Because that's the thing.You weren't.You made my world spin more out of control than anyone.You made me start to believe in things I never believed in before, and then all of a sudden, you were gone.And I didn't know how to deal with all of these new emotions, new feelings, new ventures.And the one person who opened me up to them and who showed me they existed was gone.Just like that.And I was alone with no idea what to do."

 

Harry pulled his hand back when she took hers and started talking.Every time they talked like this, he learned something new.And he learned how much deeper this break up was.It wasn't just about them not being together.It was about sending her into a tailspin of emotions without knowing how to deal with them."And I will say it again, I can never be sorry enough for that.I was selfish, I know.I just kept thinking about my feelings, about what it was doing to me."

 

Julie shook her head."I'm not going back to the blame game.We both know that it was both of us that caused this.I'm sorry if it seemed I was blaming you.But I'm having trouble trusting, anyone, everyone.It's nobody's fault but my own.And I'm trying hard to get through it.It's just going to take some time."

 

"So, you haven't decided that you want to be with Marcus?"Harry asked her.

 

"Really?"Julie shook her head. "You're such a guy.I can't believe that's all you got out of all of that."

 

"It isn't.But the thing is, as long as you haven't chosen him, I still have a chance.And I can still work on getting you to trust me.If you have chosen him, then I'm kinda screwed, aren't I?"Harry smirked at her.

 

"You're an ass, Harry."Julie said shaking her head, but she was laughing.

 

"I'm not forcing you to choose.I just want you to be the one to choose.I'm not doing anything to try and win you back.I'm doing it because I want to see you happy.And I just hope it's me who can make you happy."He smiled at her and then the waitress when she set the food down."Just spend time with me.Like you're doing.Just accept my gift, like you did.You're a lot stronger than you think.You're a lot stronger than any of us realize.And no matter where we end up,I love you.And I always will love you."He smiled when she pursed her lips and played with her fork.He knew what was coming.

 

"Just, shut up and eat your breakfast.Jesus Christ."She said.

 

Yep.Harry thought.There's his girl.No matter what she said.Or anyone else said.He had hope.And he wasn't going to give up hope until she made a choice, and he was convinced it's what she wanted.

 


	34. Chapter 34

Julie grabbed her carry on as she stepped off the plane in Jamaica.It had been just over two weeks since her birthday.Niall and Amanda had left about a week ago to do some traveling for Niall's birthday.She'd questioned this trip many times.Was it ok to accept a gift like this?Was it ok to come here when he was supposed to be rid of distractions to write and record his first solo album?Was it ok to be going with him to South Africa to see an elephant that was basically "theirs"?She eventually decided to go.It was a great gift and a wonderful gesture.

 

She walked out of the gate and through security to baggage claim.After she collected her bag, she turned when she heard someone say her name.She smiled when she saw James.She hugged him before he grabbed her bag."I didn't know you were here.I haven't seen you in forever."

 

"Yeah, Harry was nice enough to give me a job.Couldn't believe it's in Jamaica, so I mean, who could complain?"He led her out of the airport and to the car."Harry wanted to be here, but he's in the middle of a pretty good writing session."

 

"It's ok, no problem.It's great to see you.And I don't want to be a distraction.I was going to give him a harder time about needing to come here, but as you said, it is Jamaica.I maybe was a little selfish in deciding I should just go with the plan."Julie said getting in the car."You know I hate this formal, me in the backseat, you in the front thing."

 

"Yeah, well, I'm on the job.Deal with it."James said starting the car and driving towards the villa Harry was staying at."Let me know if you need anything.I was instructed that you were the boss."

 

Julie chuckled."That's pretty scary actually.We all know how messy my brain is.We might end up doing things neither of us intended."Julie joked.

 

"Well, then we shall."James said laughing.He drove around a little when he noticed Julie taking in all of the sites out of the window.

 

"James, I've never seen anything like this place."Julie exclaimed a bit excitedly.The colors and the architecture, even the grass.It was like something out of a dream sequence, like nothing she'd ever encountered before.When they pulled into the Villa, she could see nothing but water.James opened the door and helped her out of the car, and she couldn't help but take a few steps towards the ocean.

 

"Hey, I will take your bags inside, go ahead and walk down to the beach.I will let Harry know you're here.The laws are a little bit different down here, and we're in a private area.You really don't have anything to worry about."James said to ease Julie's mind a bit about being seen.

 

Julie thanked James and then walked towards the beach.She took off her socks and shoes and then rolled up her jeans.Ok, so it was hotter than she realized it would be and a lot more humid.She walked out onto the sand and looked around.Completely amazed at what she saw.She lived in LA; she was surrounded by beaches if she wanted to go, but this.This was something different.The water was SO clear and blue with touches of aqua green, the sand so white.The landscape took Julie's breath away.She only had to take one look to know why Harry wanted to come here to get away from distractions.It was magical.She was already starting to plan a way to get some time to sit here and write as she listened to the waves.

 

She set her shoes down on one of the beach chairs and walked towards the water.When the water hit her toes, she smiled and sighed.It felt so good and so warm, so unlike the California ocean.She was not a beach girl, normally.Too much sand everywhere, too much salt water, too much sun.But even she was pulled in by the sights and sounds she was experiencing on this beach.Where had Jamaica been her whole life?She walked slowly down the beach, water up to her ankles.The wind blowing gently through her hair.She didn't care if she had to wait hours for Harry.This was the life.Maybe she could find a way to do a writer's retreat here sometime.By herself though.Nobody else could come to bug her when she was here.Maybe she could move here.She chuckled to herself.

 

Harry nodded when James told him Julie had arrived and was walking out on the beach.He thanked him and went back to work.He needed to finish what he was working on so he could go see her.He knew she would understand, but it was him that wanted her here.If they hadn't been making such good progress at the moment, after a rough few days, he would have gone and gotten her himself.After about another hour, they called it a night.He would work with them a couple of hours tomorrow, but then they were taking a break so he could take Julie to South Africa.He was probably as excited as she was.He thanked everyone and then excused himself.

 

Harry walked out to the beach and had to walk down quite a ways before he saw her.Jeans rolled up to her knees walking out in the water.Every so often she would bend down and pick something up.Sometimes holding onto it, sometimes tossing it gently back.He walked slowly towards her.He was enjoying just watching her.Something very kid-like about the way she was playing in the water.She never seemed very young.She always seemed older than she was because of what she had carried on her shoulders for so many years.She looked peaceful, and happy, and like she didn't have a care in the world.And he knew he would interrupt that.That as soon as she saw him, her mind would start wondering what if, and go back and forth a million times.When he got close as soon as she bent down, he hurried to her and grabbed her around the waist.

 

Julie screamed when she was grabbed, from pure terror.She should have known it was Harry, but in the moment, she was caught so off guard she just reacted.She threw her elbow back and caught him in the stomach.When he put her down and clutched his stomach, she put her hand on his arm."Oh, shit!Are you ok?"

 

Harry groaned."Uh, no.Jesus, you have quite the elbow."He took a breath and then stood up straight."I should remember how jumpy you are before I just grab you."He chuckled."So, uh, hi."

 

"You should.Scared the shit out of me."She looked around the water as she'd dropped what she had in her hands when he grabbed her."And, hi."

 

"What you looking for?"He asked as he bent down and picked up one of the pieces she'd dropped.

 

She gently took it out of his hand and smiled up at him."Perfect little seashells.I can't believe how perfect they are."She ran her fingers over the perfectly shaped tiny little shell."And you can see straight through the water.I'm amazed."

 

Ok, this was a good idea.He'd contemplated having her meet him in South Africa.Sometimes she was hard to read.He wasn't sure if having her come to Jamaica would be a little too much, but he decided to just throw caution to the wind and do it how he saw best, and if he was being honest with himself, what he wanted to do.Figured if she fought too much that he would just rebook her ticket from LA to South Africa.She never once gave him a hard time.And seeing her now, he was so glad he'd done it this way."Yeah, this place is pretty majestic, right?"He walked out a little further, bent down and picked up a shell, and then another.He brought them back to her to inspect."These are a little bigger.But they are perfectly whole."

 

"Thank you.I probably have more than I need now.I feel like I should have a little bucket and be filling that up.Sitting down in the water and washing them off."Julie said.She blushed as she sounded a little silly speaking like a kid."Sorry.I can only imagine how that sounded."

 

He smirked at her and then grabbed her by the waist again and pulled her down into the water so she was sitting and then sat down beside her."Actually, I think that sounds like a super idea."He picked a shell up that was next to him and started washing it off in the water.

 

"Ugh, Harry."Julie said laughing despite herself."I'm still in jeans.Wet jeans are definitely not the way to go."

 

"You could take them off, if you'd like."He raised his eyebrows at her and looked around for another shell.

 

"Fuck off, Styles."She said splashing him gently.When he reached past her she looked at his arm and then caught it as he was pulling it back."What is this?"She asked him."Is that a fly?"

 

Harry laughed.It was almost the same reaction she had to the mermaid tattoo when she first saw that one."Well, there may be a bit of a deeper meaning behind it, but yeah, I guess it's kinda a fly."

 

"A fly?"She shook her head and let go of his arm."You are a bit odd, did you know that?"She went back to digging for seashells.

 

Harry laughed and watched her.She just called him a bit odd, yet didn't seem very phased by it at all."Yeah, I suppose I am."He leaned back on his hands in the water."So, I was thinking, tonight we could just hang out, have a couple of drinks, some dinner and some friendly conversation with everyone here.And then tomorrow after I get out of the studio, it should only be a few hours, you and I can go explore the island."

 

"I thought my gift was to go see Harrietta. When did a full island vacation become part of it?"She asked him as she reached between his outstretched legs for a shell.

 

"When I booked it that way.It's a gift.You can't question it, and you have to be grateful."He smiled at her triumphantly.

 

"Who's rules are those?"She asked wrinkling her eyebrows at him."Some cockamamie rules if you ask me."

 

"Cock-a-what?"Harry laughed at her."What even is that?"

 

"Cockamamie?You Brits are weird."She laughed."Means ridiculous."

 

"First, they aren't ridiculous.And second, why didn't you just say ridiculous?"He asked as he shook his head.

 

"Because cockamamie is more fun to say."She shrugged and looked through her pretty impressive shell collection.

 

"Ok, so it may be more fun to say, but you call me odd.Listen to you."He said amused.He watched her separate her shells into piles, first by size and then by color.There was that black and white brain of hers.

 

"Listen, you say 'are you stood on a chair?'.No, but I may be standing on one.If I had stood on one, it would have been in the past."She shook her head."And what you call pudding is definitely not pudding.Pudding does not equal every dessert course you can think of.If you ask me if I want pudding,I expect a bowl of chocolate or vanilla to be set in front of me.And don't get me started on 'taking the piss' or 'chuffed'."

 

Harry laughed out loud and threw his head back."You've been thinking way too much about this.But I recall you saying 'blimey' and 'bloody' quite often."

 

"Yeah, well.I blame Harry Potter for those. The rest I blame on Harry Styles."She picked up a flat rock from the ocean floor and skipped it across the water in front of her.

 

"Well, I've been blamed for worse."He looked over at her."So, now that you've properly avoided my question.Can you answer it?"

 

"I've been told that it's a gift, so I'm not allowed to question it.So whatever you say goes, I guess."She looked over at him and rolled her eyes.

 

"Cockamamie."He laughed."I know you better than that."

 

She laughed and stood up and pulled him up."It's fine, Harry. Just don't be walking around using cockamamie now.It doesn't suit you."She started walking back in the direction they'd come from."It's time to change from these wet jeans.I hate the way they feel."

 

"Alright.Then we will figure out dinner."He took a chance and took the shells from her hand closest him and put them in his shorts pocket and then he held her hand.He felt her stiffen up a moment, and it seemed like she was going to pull it away, but she didn't.He let out a silent breath.

 

"Sounds good."She was slightly surprised when he took her hand, but decided to go with it.Things had been going well.She enjoyed spending time with him.And he had her in Jamaica on the way to South Africa.Pretty sure hand holding would be allowed."Thank you for this.I know I give you a hard time.But this really means a lot."

 

"If you didn't give me a hard time, it wouldn't be the girl I fell in love with."He squeezed her hand."I expect one.And when you don't, then I worry."

 

"Well, then I guess you have nothing to worry about."She looked around as they walked back."It's amazing to me, how different this all looks than any other beach I've been to.When I moved to LA from Wisconsin, it was a shock to see all the water and all the beaches.And I thought that was the most amazing thing I'd see.But this....this is beyond my wildest dreams.It's even better in person than in the pictures.The water is so blue and the sand so white.It contrasts so beautifully.And the landscape just everywhere.I'm just...so...amazed."

 

Harry smiled at her rambling.He picked up on this trait of hers back when they were together.When she was overwhelmed and excited, she tended to ramble.She didn't think so much about what to say and what not to say.He loved that just flying her here gave her that joy."Yeah, can you see why I wanted to come here to write and relax?Plus, they have stricter paparazzi laws."

 

"It's bloody brilliant."She said laughing at the look on his face."What?You thought you could use cockamamie."

 

He looked down at her and laughed."On second thought, I kind of like hearing you say cockamamie.So keep it up."

 

"Really?"She shook her head."Sometimes I wonder why I like you."

 

He scrunched his nose at her."Because you can be mean to me all the time, and I don't seem to mind."

 

"Yeah.That's gotta be it."When they got back to the beach chairs, Julie let go of his hand and grabbed her shoes.She walked beside Harry back to the house and inside with him.The place was beautiful.But in a simple way.She loved it.She made a mental note to figure out how to become a citizen and move here for good.She was soaked and in wet, uncomfortable jeans, but Harry insisted on introducing her to everyone sitting around the kitchen table.

 

She said hi to all the guys and the few girls that were there, guessing they were some of the team's girlfriends, shook everyone's hands, and blushed repeatedly as Harry must have told them about her writing.They were complimenting her on her work, and she was having a hard time taking it all in.One of the guys seemed almost as shy as she was. Harry introduced him as Mitch, and it clicked for her. He'd mentioned Mitch a few times during the couple of phone calls they'd had over the past couple of weeks, and how amazing he was as a guitar player. She immediately felt comfortable with him and didn't feel so overwhelmed when he told her he'd enjoyed her writing. She muttered 'thank you' a few more times until Harry finally stepped in and said he would show her to her room so she could change.

 

"You know, you should learn to take compliments better.I didn't just come out and tell them about your writing."Harry explained as he opened the door for her."They were already talking about that song of JoJo's, and I just said I happened to know who wrote it."He leaned back against the door when she walked in."You're great, at writing, Julie. It's about time you started to accept it."

 

"Shut up, Harry."She said putting her shoes down and cupping her warm cheeks with her hands.She wasn't sure if it was from the sun or from embarrassment.

 

"Yes ma'am."He laughed and stepped away from the door.He looked at her with his hand on the knob before he closed it."Come out when you're ready.We are going to start dinner and drinks.Don't take too long though."He shut the door and let her get herself ready.He was so glad she was here.

 

About 45 minutes later, Harry looked up as he heard the back door swing shut.Everyone else was out here, so it had to be Julie.She had showered and changed it seemed.Shorts, tank top, and flip flops.Hair pulled back into a high pony tail and very light make up, if any at all.The way he loved to see her.When she walked up to him, he put his arm around her shoulder."You look refreshed."

 

She looked up at him and smiled."Yes, felt good to get the heavy jeans off and wash some of the salt water away.And why bother putting on make up when it's just going to melt right off anyway?"She said."I thought LA was warm.But man."

 

"Yes, I know.You'd rather wear sixteen layers of clothes than be in temperatures this hot."He kissed the top of her head and then realized what he'd done.She didn't seem bothered.She never even looked up at him.She was looking over the yard taking in her surroundings."Would you like a drink?Dinner should be ready shortly."

 

Julie looked around the yard, and then when Harry asked if she wanted a drink, she took his glass.She smelled it first and then took a sip."I will take this one."She said smirking at him.

 

Harry looked at her shocked when she took the drink out of his hand.But then he started laughing."Of course you will.I would have gotten you your own you know.But sure.Take mine."

 

"I already did, love.Keep up."She patted his arm and walked away.

 

Harry shook his head and smiled a cheesy wide grin as she walked away.He watched her go up to James and say hi.He had partly offered James this position knowing he wanted Julie to come.At least she would know one other person here.He offered Michael a spot too, but he'd found another job.He poured himself a drink without losing his smile and barely taking his eyes off her.He looked over when he saw Jeff by his side."What?"

 

Jeff shook his head."Really?What?Your cheeks are going to start cramping up if you don't stop smiling so much."

 

Harry chuckled."Yeah, so I'm a bit obvious.But even she knows it.Especially lately, things have been so good.I'm ready to make that leap right back in.But I also have to remember who I'm leaping with.She needs to take it more as a steady climb.But she seems happy, and she let me hold her hand.You saw her just now.I had my arm around her, and she stayed there."

 

"And she took your drink."Jeff laughed.

 

"Yeah.Well, that doesn't surprise me either."He lifted his glass to his lips."Jeff, I know it's crazy.But I really think she's the one.And maybe she came into my life at the wrong time, but I can't wait until later with the chance that I could lose my opportunity.I know how you feel about it.But it's my chance."

 

Jeff clapped Harry on the back."Your choice man, you know that.Just wanna make sure you have someone on your side, too.Whatever makes you happy, Harry."He walked away to find his girlfriend, Glenne.

 

Whatever makes him happy.Harry got another drink and looked over at Julie.She was already talking to Mitch, and the producer Jeff, not to be confused with his manager Jeff.He took another drink and then smiled as he walked toward them.Yeah, he knew what made him happy, and she was standing right in front of him.


	35. Chapter 35

Harry watched Julie mingling with everyone throughout the next few hours.  Dinner had gone well.  Everyone was light and happy.  Laughter filling the entire patio.  There was hardly a break in conversation; the mood was happy and carefree.  Mitch grabbed his guitar and was playing around with some random melodies.  Julie leaned back against a chair watching him.  Harry smiled and raised his glass slightly when she looked over at him.

 

Julie was impressed by the way everyone interacted and got along.  They had only been with each other for a couple of weeks; yet, they all seemed like they were best friends.  She felt jealous that they could open up so quickly to people they just met.  She liked them.  But she wouldn't share herself so completely with people she'd just met.  It was nice to see, but often baffled her.  When she caught Harry's eye and he raised his glass, she nodded her head towards the beach.   She needed a break from the interaction.  And she was dying to see the beach in the moonlight.  She pushed herself off the chair, set her glass down, and walked towards the ocean.

 

When Harry saw Julie nod towards the beach, he set his glass down and excused himself.  He caught up to her a short while later and fell into step with her walking towards the water.  "Can't get enough of this place?"

 

Julie smiled and then linked her arm with his.  "Thought it'd look different in the moonlight, and I was right.  This place I think will amaze me every moment I'm here."

 

Harry watched her take his arm.  Yes!  He chuckled silently.  He put his hand over hers as they continued to walk down the beach.  "Are you having a good time?"

 

"Yeah.  Everyone's great.  You're very lucky.  Well, actually, I think you're just very good at surrounding yourself with good people.  Makes me wonder what you ever saw in me."  She said flipping her pony tail which had blown over her shoulder back behind her.

 

Harry laughed and looked down at her.  "Because, as I've said before, you play big and bad, but deep down, you're one of the best people I know."

 

"Oh, stop with the compliments.  I'm already here, and I'm going to South Africa with you.  What more do you want?"  She asked knocking into him a little with her shoulder.

 

Oh, what a loaded question, he thought.  But she already knew what he wanted.  He bumped back into her lightly.  "Nothing, I'm good.  I'm enjoying this.  And it's just the truth, will you stop?"

 

"No."  Julie did stop, however, and looked out over the water.  She let go of his arm and when he turned to her, she stepped up to him and rested her cheek on his chest and wrapped her arms around his waist.  "Thank you, Harry.  Thank you for everything you've done."

 

Harry gasped when she walked up to him and hugged him the way she did.  He wrapped his arms around her and squeezed her tightly for a moment.  "Please, stop thanking me.  I did it for selfish reasons just as much as I did it for you.  I wanted you here.  I want to take you to see Harrietta.  I've told you, what I want."  He said quietly.

 

Julie closed her eyes but didn't step back from his arms.  "I know.  I'm trying here.  I know that it's frustrating.  I know I'm frustrating.  When I'm alone with you, when we're together, everything seems so easy.  But when I get back to the real world and try to include everything all together, that's when it becomes messy.  I can't decide what's right."

 

"I know."  He sighed and put his hand on the back of her head.  "I don't want to push you.  It's hard, I have to admit.  Part of me just wants to shake you and tell you that we're right for each other."  He chuckled lightly.  "But I'm not going to force feelings on you."

 

She took a deep breath and pulled back a little and looked up at him.  "Harry, it's not like I don't have feelings for you.  I told you I loved you, and I meant it.  I'm just afraid to go back to the same thing that happened before.  You enjoyed the chase.  Don't deny it.  But once that was over, it was hard for you to deal with it being over.  There wasn't as much to work for.  It was supposed to be better, and easier, but it wasn't."

 

He cupped her cheeks and searched her eyes.  "I know.  I was wrong..."  He started to say.

 

"No, Harry, WE were wrong."  She put her hand over his on her cheek and then turned and looked out over the ocean.  "I just don't want to be wrong again.  We're getting along, and it's light and uncomplicated.  You can't say what we were before we ended was that.  You can't say any of what we went through before was that."  She closed her eyes and put her hands on top of his when he wrapped his arms around her waist from behind.  "I'm not trying to get into this right now, really.  I'm loving every second of this.  But I also don't want you to think that it's more than what it is either.  I'm not ready, to fully jump back in.  But I would like to continue to see where it could go.  Does that make sense?"

 

He closed his eyes.  He was disappointed.  If only slightly.  Every time they spoke, he hoped that she would tell him that she was ready.  But, she did say she wanted to keep seeing him, to see where it could go.  That was better than it had ever been, including the last time they saw each other.  Things seemed to keep moving forward with them, and that was what he needed.  Julie wasn't closing him out completely or pulling back further. It felt like every time they were together, she was a little more open, a little more willing to be closer to him. "Yes, Julie, it makes perfect sense.  Just, give me a chance.  Keep letting me in.  I can give you time.  As long as you keep moving forward and don't pull back."

 

She turned to face him, still in his arms, and reached up to touch his cheek.  "That's all I ask.  Just a little bit more time. I'm sorry, really, that's it's so frustrating.  I'm not sure I'll ever be easy.  But I'm trying.  I also don't want to jump in and get overwhelmed, because that will only hurt you.  I don't want to hurt you."  She stood on her toes and kissed his lips lightly.  She watched his face as she lowered herself back down onto her flat feet.  He kept his eyes closed and his lips puckered before a smile creeped across his face and he opened one eye.

 

"Just thought if I didn't open my eyes it wouldn't end."  He laughed and then pulled her to him.  "It's fine, just keep doing things like that, and I will follow you around like a lost little puppy."  He joked.

 

Julie groaned.  "Cut that out."  She stepped back and shook her head.  "Why?  Why must you always ruin the moment?  It's like your job."

 

Harry wrinkled his eyebrow and gave her a side eyed glance.  "Excuse me?  You must have me mistaken for someone else."

 

"Oh, believe me, I don't."  She said.  "Alright, I think I'm ready for bed.  I hear, someone's taking me out to see the island tomorrow."

 

"Oh?  You heard that, eh?  Whoever it is, seems pretty lucky."  Harry said falling into step beside her again while they walked back towards the house.

 

"Yeah, between you and me.  I hope it's the hot, long-haired guitar player."  She said suppressing her smile.  "I have a thing for long hair.  My favorite ex-boyfriend had long hair."

 

"Why?  Why must you torture me?"  Harry said and then he grabbed her from behind and tickled her sides.  "I swear. I need to have my head examined, because I don't know why I can't get you out of my system."

 

Julie screamed and then tried to loosen his hands from her waist.  "No!!!  Don't tickle!!  I hate being tickled!"  She pushed him away and ran away from him.  "Stay away from me!"

 

"Not a chance!"  He said as he ran down the sand after her.  She avoided him for a little bit weaving back and forth, but then she almost fell, and he grabbed her and picked her up before she did.  He threw her over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes and started carrying her towards the house.  "I've had enough, so I'm going to deliver you to bed.  So, I don't have to listen to that smart mouth anymore tonight.  Then maybe, in the morning, you'll have come to your senses."

 

"Put.  Me.  Down.  You caveman."  She slapped at his back.  She couldn't help but laugh.  "Harry Styles!!  You put me down!  Now!"

 

"No!"  He said holding tighter to her legs as she was draped over his shoulder.  "You are trouble.  And right now, I'm making sure you get to bed with no trouble."

 

She struggled against his hold, but he was too strong for her.  "Damn it, Harry!"  She laughed but then gave up.

 

"'Bout time.  You're so stubborn.  You knew you weren't going to win.  I don't know why you bother trying."  He walked her into the house and to her room.  He kicked the door open and then threw her onto the bed.  "There.  Safe and sound."

 

Julie screeched as she landed on the bed and bounced a little.  "Damn you!"  She said as she sat up on her elbows.  "I could have done it much safer than that."

 

"Go to sleep. You have a long day with your long-haired guitar player tomorrow."  He said as he went to the door.  "Although, he might come up missing in the morning.  So, don't be surprised if he's replaced."  He left and shut the door before she could respond.  Smart ass woman.  He found himself laughing and shaking his head.  He went outside contemplating spending some more time with the group, but he found himself saying goodnight and going to his room.  Knowing she was there and not out there with him, he didn't want to stay out.  He'd get some sleep, get some work done when he woke, and then take her out and show her some places he knew she'd like.  After he got himself ready for bed, he heard his text notification go off.  He smiled as he read the text from Julie.  It said, 'I changed my mind.  I'd rather have a short haired overly charming Brit show me around Jamaica.  See you in the morning.  J. xoxo'.  He shook his head and texted her back, 'I'll see if one's available.  Probably can be arranged.  P.S.  He can't wait.  H.  xoxo'.  He set his phone down and settled in for sleep.

 

The next morning, Harry grabbed a coffee and went to meet everyone in the studio for a recording session of the song they'd worked on yesterday.  He saw James and asked him about Julie.  James told him Julie had walked out about an hour ago with her notebook, a cup of coffee, and a bottle of water.  He added that she'd  planted herself in a beach chair and hadn't moved since.  He had just come back to the house for a drink and was going back to the beach to keep an eye on her.  Harry thanked him and then went to work.  He had a feeling he'd find her in the same spot when he was done.  When she found somewhere to write, she would get as lost as he did in his music.

 

A couple of hours later, Harry walked down towards the beach and sure enough she was still sitting in the beach chair, knees bent, notebook propped on her knees writing.  He nodded at James and then walked over to her.  Harry sat down on the end of the chair before she even noticed him.  "Good to see things haven't changed."  He tapped the back of the notebook.  "I've missed seeing this."

 

Julie closed her pen in her notebook and set it aside.  "Yeah, still the same old notebooks, still the same old pattern I fall into.  How'd your recording session go?"

 

"Good.  Great actually.  It's amazing how well this album is coming together.  It's different, for sure, then what I'm used to, but I'm enjoying it.  And I'm enjoying being in on every part, making decisions on the whole process. Jeff's been awesome. He's a great producer and provided a lot of guidance, but he's mostly left me to run the show."  He said smiling at her.

 

"Power trip?  Figures."  She winked at him.  "So, is my long-haired guitar player ready?"

 

Harry hit her leg lightly.  "Hey!  I have proof that you said you'd rather have a short-haired, overly charming Brit take you."

 

"Right.  So, did you find one?"  She smirked looking around.  "I mean I couldn't have been more specific with my order."

 

"I hate you."  He said standing up and pulling her up by her hands.

 

"Awe, that's so sweet."  She said picking up her notebook.

 

"Right?"  He said walking back to the house for her.  "Wear a suit and some clothes over it.  I've got lots of plans today.  And I don't want to hear you complain about how you hate the feel of wet jeans."

 

"Right, so sorry I'm such a complainer.  Maybe you should just pawn me off on someone else."  She closed her door quickly when he threw the bandana he had taken out of his hair at her.

 

Damn that woman.  Harry thought as he picked the bandana up off the floor and went to change.  She drove him crazy; yet, he just couldn't help but want more.  He went in and changed into a t-shirt and some swim shorts.  He did have plans.  And he wanted to end up at one of his favorite places on the island.  That would include getting wet.  He went into the front of the house and waited for Julie.  She came out a few minutes later.  He loved how simple she was.  She never took much time to get ready.  He usually took longer than she did.  She had her hair lying over her shoulders, sunglasses holding it back, bag slung over her shoulder, and was wearing a tank top and short shorts and trainers.  She wore make-up, but it was light and not overdone.  He stood up.  "Took you long enough."

 

Julie rolled her eyes.   "Yeah, so sorry.  Well, what are you waiting for then?  Let's go.  You're wasting time."  She tapped at her wrist which wasn't holding anything more than a hair tie.

 

"You aren't even wearing a watch."  He grabbed her bag from her shoulder and carried it for her.  "We're going to walk.  We aren't going far.  There are so many things to see right around here.  I figured we could check out a few shops, a few local places I've seen, and then my favorite quiet, private spot I've found.  I think you'll really like it."

 

"Alright, sounds perfect.  With lunch, right?  I sort of got caught up in my writing and kind of forgot to eat."  She said as she walked along with him.

 

"Of course, you did."  Harry laughed as he walked her towards the little town not far from the Villa.  "We can do that first."  He opened the door to a small local restaurant and walked inside with her.  They didn't get to do this much, if at all, back in LA, or when she visited him on tour, or in the UK.  He always had to worry about photos being shown or paps following them.  Here it was different.  It was a much different atmosphere, and he loved it.  They got a table in the back and enjoyed a really nice lunch, even introducing her to fried plantains. Julie was resistant at first, but when Harry told her they were sweet, she figured something fried couldn't be all that healthy and gave it a shot. When the sweet, salt, and some spicy flavor hit her mouth, she succumbed and ended up eating most of the order. Harry just smiled at her enjoyment.  He took her to a few shops down the street and watched some local drummers perform down another. Julie was entranced at the kids dancing in such delight. Some of the older women came in to the circle the kids had formed to dance as well. One of them grabbed Julie and brought her into the dance. At first, she stiffened up, but there was so much joy, it was infectious. She couldn't help but move to the rhythm of the steel drums. Harry stood and watched her. She loosened up a lot as she focused on the woman who'd brought her into the circle and began to move to the beat. God, she was so sexy. He needed to cool down. They got shaved ice, which helped, and Julie had a colorful braid put in her hair by another vendor.  It was like they were proper tourists, and no one bothered them.

 

After a few hours of wandering the town, he looked down at Julie.  "Had enough shopping?  Want to grab a to go box from somewhere and let me take you to my new favorite place?"

 

"Yeah, I think I've had enough shopping and being a proper tourist."  She said.  "Is it weird that I hate shopping?  I know you love it."

 

"It's a little odd that I enjoy it more than you do.  Yeah, a bit.  But I'm ready to take you to see the spot."  He said.  "We can eat, and then play."

 

"Eat, and then play, huh?"  She asked following him into a small deli to order their dinner.  "What kind of playing are we talking here?"

 

"Well, I'm up for anything."  He threw over his shoulder at her.  "But, we can play it by ear."  He laughed as she rolled her eyes again.  He went to the counter and ordered them a few different sandwiches and salads to try.  He handed Julie her bag and then took the food to carry.  They walked out onto the street.  "Ok, it's back towards the Villa."

 

"I could get used to this.  Walking around with Harry Styles and not being harassed."  She walked down the street with him, and not one person bothered them for pictures or autographs or the endless calling of his name. Just the usual smiles and greetings she'd seen all day in this friendly little beach town.

 

"Yeah, it's not lost on me.  Kinda why I like this place." When they got to the entrance of the Villa, instead of going through the gates, he took a right and followed a path that wrapped around the houses.

 

Julie thought they walked forever down this path.  It was winding and got narrower as they rambled along.  It was beautiful though.  She followed Harry through a small bunch of trees and could swear she heard running water.  "What's that sound?"  She asked Harry.

 

"Give it one more minute."  He said as he pushed a tree branch out of the way so Julie could step through the opening.  He smiled as he saw her face the moment she got through.

 

"Oh, my god."  She said continuing closer to the brilliantly, beautiful waterfall in front of her.  The sun hit the falling water in such a way that the splash glistened like multiple crystals. The light refracted casting a rainbow on the pool below. The green of the water calmed Julie in a way she'd never felt before, but her fingers began itching for her pen. There was so much she wanted to capture from the beauty before her eyes.  The water ran over the rocks before pouring itself into the tranquil pool below.  Like a natural shower that she couldn't wait to take.  "It's the most gorgeous waterfall I've ever seen.  It's practically perfect."

 

"I thought you might like it.  It's SO peaceful here.  And it's not somewhere other people come very often.  At least from what I gather.  I've never seen anyone the few times I've been here."  He set the food down and walked up to her.  She was just staring at the water.  "Are you ok?"  He asked laughing.

 

Julie laughed.  "Yeah, Sorry.  Just didn't think I could find anything more beautiful than I've already seen.  But you proved me wrong."  She looked at the food on the ground.  "Oh!"  She said opening her bag.  She pulled out a blanket.  "Somehow, I thought we'd end up doing something like this.  I just pictured the beach and the sand, not the waterfall and the grass."  She spread the blanket out and placed the food on it.  Sitting down, she began opening the containers.  She looked up when she heard Harry laugh.  "What?  I'm hungry.  We walked for hours after lunch."  She grabbed a pickle and took a bite. Walking had made her hungry, but there was something about the beauty before her that was making her ravenous.

 

Harry sat down beside her and picked through some of the food himself until he decided what he wanted.  "Such a smart girl.  I didn't even know that you had a blanket in that bag, and I carried it most of the day."

 

"Yeah, well.  I think, sometimes.  I may know you a little bit, too."  She said eating some of the sandwich she'd picked.  They had some light conversation while they ate and sat back talking afterwards.  After about another half hour of talking, Harry jumped up.  "Whoa.  You scared me."  She exclaimed laughing.

 

"Yeah. Sorry."  He pulled her up by her hands.  "Time to go play in the water.  You did wear your suit like I asked, right?"

 

"Well, see, when you talk, I don't always hear you."  She said and started laughing when he groaned and whined her name.  "Yes, Harry I have my suit on."

 

"Good.  Strip then!"  He laughed when it was her turn to groan.  "Come on. Let's go."  Harry was like an excited kid ready to play. He took off his shirt and dropped it on the blanket, removed his shoes, and ran down into the water.  "Come on, slow poke."  He yelled back at her.  He stood and watched as she removed her shoes.  It reminded him of the first time he'd seen her in a bikini.  He saw her take the hair tie from her wrist and pull her hair back.  He watched her take her tank top off over her head and then bend down removing her shorts showing that tattoo on the small of her back.  Fuck!  She was sexy.  Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all.  He suddenly was very happy he had on loose shorts and was in water over his waist.  He watched her wade into the water and walk towards him and the waterfall.

 

Julie watched Harry take off his shirt and throw it on the ground.  Damn, he looked good.  Every muscle, every tattoo, every curve of his body.  She watched his back as he walked towards the water.  Damn even his back was hot.  She took a deep breath to try and calm herself.  What was she doing?  Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.  She slowly took off her clothes turning her back towards him so she didn't have to see him standing in front of that beautiful waterfall for just a couple of minutes.  When she was just in her bikini, she made her way to the water and over to him.  Even though she avoided looking at them, she felt his eyes on her.  She felt her breath start to catch in her throat as she walked to him.  She stayed a bit away; otherwise, she didn't know if she could control herself.  "I can't get over the view, Harry.  This is incredible."

 

"Yeah, neither can I."  He said to her.  She had stopped just in front of him.  But he wasn't looking at the waterfall.  He was looking at her.  "Most beautiful thing I've ever seen."

 

"Yeah."  She said.  Not realizing he was staring at her.  She felt him come up behind her and put his hands on her hips.  She gasped when she felt his breath on her ear as he whispered to her, 'I wasn't talking about the waterfall.  I was talking about you'.  She felt his hands tighten on her hips.  "Oh, god."  She heard herself say.

 

When Harry touched her hips with his hands, he immediately felt it radiate through his whole body.  He reacted by gripping her hips tighter, after he whispered in her ear.  "I've missed my hands, on your skin."  He said to her.  It drove him crazy seeing Dr Dickheads hands on her at the beach in LA.  And it drove him crazy to think of Marcus having his hands on her.  "Don't make me let go."


	36. Chapter 36

Julie looked down at Harry's fingers wrapped around the front of her hips.  His touch sending shivers up and down her body.  It could just be the cold, right?  Yeah, right.  Why?  She was so afraid of leading him on.  She wanted him.  Badly.  But, she wasn't sure she was mentally able to go back to what they had.  She wasn't sure she was mentally capable of being the girlfriend.  She took a deep breath.  She knew she needed to say something.  As if it was a surprise she was conflicted.  She looked around at her surroundings.  Looked where she was. Looked at this place.  And all because of him.  He was good to her, more often than not.  "I don't want you to let go, Harry.  I'm just afraid I'm going to slip."

 

He took a step closer to her and pulled her back into his chest, wrapping his arms around her tightly from behind and resting his chin on her shoulder.  "I won't let you."  He turned her to him and lifted her chin.  He saw the tears gathered in her eyes.  "Just don't fight it.  We have time to figure out what it is, in the end.  Or what it will be.  But don't fight the feelings now.  Go with what you feel.  There's no right, no wrong.  It's just the way we feel."  He searched her eyes and ran his thumb over the stray tear that fell onto her cheek.

 

Julie took his hand from her cheek and looked him in the eyes.  She took a shaky breath and then brought his palm to her lips and kissed it gently, closing her eyes.  She rested her lips against his palm as she felt his eyes on her face.  Her hands were shaking.  Her body was aching to be touched.  She struggled with just reacting to the now.  But she tried to push everything out of her mind and go with the moment.  She opened her eyes, looked up at him, dropped his hand and in one motion put her hand behind his neck and pulled his lips to hers.  She immediately felt his arm go around her waist and pull her tightly to him.  The feeling was nothing less than she expected.

 

Harry felt Julie's hand shake when she kissed his palm.  Her soft lips gently against his palm were feelings he didn't know he wanted.  When she let go abruptly and pulled his lips to hers, he gasped, but it didn't take long for him to respond.  He wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her right to him.  He took his other hand and put it behind her neck.  He was hoping she'd let loose and relax.  He hoped she would throw caution to the wind and just feel.  And now that she had, he was going to take this opportunity, to show her how it could feel.

 

Harry dropped his second arm and grabbed her around the waist lifting her up off of her feet.  He felt her arms wrap around his neck and encouraged her to wrap her legs around his waist.  He felt her hand run over the shorter hair on the back of his neck and shivered.  They hadn't been together like this since he'd cut his hair.  Weird thing to think of, but he was used to her hands in his curls.  He held her tightly around her waist as he started to move towards the waterfall.  Her hands ran through his hair and tangled into the longer part on top and her lips moved to his jawline.  Yep, she still drove him just as crazy.  No question about that.  He groaned loudly when her tongue swirled around below his ear and then she nipped at his ear lobe.  "Be careful.  You know what you're doing."  He growled at her.

 

Harry felt her smirk against his neck as he said that, and she rotated her lips and her tongue down the side of his neck.  She was going to be his undoing right here.  He walked her right through the running water fall and set her on the rock behind it, pulling himself slightly away so he could look at her.  She was running her hand over her hair pushing it back.  Small strands had falling into her face from the curtain of water that they'd just come through.  He ran both his hands through his hair pushing the water out of it.  He didn't want to question her, but he was afraid of what she might think afterwards.  He looked at her eyes and was shocked when she wrapped her legs around his waist and pulled him to her.

 

After Harry set her on the rock and they'd both pushed the hair and water out of their faces, Julie watched him stop and stare at her.  Yeah, not good enough.  She used her legs around his waist to pull him to her so he was now between her legs and they were crossed at the ankles behind his back.  She was learning to live in the moment.  And in the moment, this is what made her happy.  This is what made her feel.  She felt his fingers brush gently up her back as he grabbed the tie of her bikini top and tugged on it gently.  "You're going to torture me, aren't you?"

 

"A little sweet torture is good for the soul."  Harry said smirking and finally letting the tie drop behind her back.  He then reached up and pulled the tie behind her neck.  "I know there's not much hiding, but I like watching your skin slowly exposed to me."  He watched the bikini top fall off her breasts and let his fingers brush from her shoulders down to them.  He took the top and threw it on the rock beside him.  He was a bit shocked she was letting him undress her outside where anyone could walk up on them.  He had to admit there was an added excitement thinking it could happen.

 

Julie narrowed her eyes at him when he slowly ran his fingers over her breasts just barely skimming her nipples as they hardened below his touch.  "Damn it.  Two can play this game though.  You sure you're ready for this?"  This was the last thing she thought she would ever do, but it didn't feel wrong.  It felt, exciting and exhilarating and somehow completely normal.  Not what she expected to be feeling.  She took her finger and gently ran it down the middle of his chest and hooked it in the front of his swim trunks.  "I'm willing to bet someone's ready to be the center of attention."

 

"You know, you don't have to bet."  He said as he pushed her back slightly and moved his mouth to her breast flicking his tongue over her hardened nipple, squeezing the opposite breast hard and rolling her nipple between his fingers.  He groaned into her breast when her hand reached further down his shorts.  He pulled back slightly.  "No, not yet."  He said as he attacked the other breast with his mouth.  He wanted it to last, to revel in this moment with her, and that was not the way to make it last.  He pulled her hips towards him using one hand to hold her up as he removed her bikini bottoms and then setting her back on the rock tossing the bottoms next to her top.  "Are you ok?"  He wanted to make sure the rock wasn't too rough on her gentle skin.

 

"Yes, stop stalling.  Or I will take over."  She eyed the smirk on his face and jumped down off the rock spinning him around and pushing him back against it.  "Stop playing."  She grabbed his shorts and pulled them down watching as he stepped from the shorts.  She tossed them next to her bikini and stood there in front of him.  Both completely naked, both completely exposed in nature.  "Well, it's how nature intended, isn't it?"  She bit the tip of her finger as her eyes wandered his body.  "Looks familiar."

 

"Stop talking."  He growled at her as he pounced on her pulling her to him, spinning, and setting her on the rock all at once.  He pushed her back so she was leaning on her hands behind her and with his hands on her thighs spread her legs apart a little more.  "Just feel..."  He said as he licked his lips and lowered his mouth to the spot he wanted.  He squeezed her thighs and moved his tongue over her pearl in slow circles.  When she moaned he devoured her sucking hard and moving his fingers to her.  The sounds of the waterfall behind him and the sound of her soft moans in front of him turned him on to no end.  His fingers pressed fully into her and started rubbing over her oh so familiar spot increasing the speed of her breathing and the volume of her moans.  She put her foot up on the rock granting him even more access.  What the fuck.  She was going to be his undoing before he even got her to feel what he wanted her to.

 

Julie struggled to catch her breath the moment his fingers were inside her.  He knew exactly what spot to hit to drive her crazy.  Between his mouth and his fingers, her body was on fire.  She couldn't help but put her foot up on the rock beside her granting him deeper access.  When he added a third finger, she thought she was going to explode.  "Oh, god, Harry...."  She said as her core started to react.  Her body lurched forward as her stomach muscles started to clench along with her core.  Her hands immediately tangled into his hair as she helped him move her through her orgasm.  "Fuck!"  She said as her body slowly came down from her high.  She pulled his hair to get him to stop remembering he liked to go until she was could no longer handle the intrusion.

 

Harry pulled back and smirked at her as she dropped her hands from his head.  "Good?"  He questioned as he took his fingers and put them in his mouth stepping towards her; once again he was caught off guard when she jumped off the rock.  He found his back pushed up against it, and he found his finger in her mouth.  She slowly twirled her tongue around its tip.  Somehow showing him what she was about to do to him.  She let go of his finger and lowered herself down steadying herself with a hand on each of his thighs.  He wanted to tell her she didn't have to, but he felt her tongue run down his stomach from his belly button, and he couldn't speak.  Before he knew it, she took his tip into her mouth and started the same swirling motion she had just done to his finger.  "Fuck!"  His back pushed harder against the rock as his hands found her head.  He grabbed the hair tie out and let her hair fall so he could tangle his hands in it.

 

"Jesus, Julie."  He moaned as she took him further into her mouth and used one hand to stroke what she couldn't.  His hands helping to guide the motion as his hips bucked up towards her.  His hands tightened in her hair, and he bit his lip.  "You feel so good."  He muttered before her movements quickened.  He moved towards her when her head came down to him, and he pulled back when her head moved back up.  "Ssshhhhh....iiittt!"  He struggled to say as his high built.  Before he could warn her, he released hard into her mouth.  He expected her to stop, but she didn't; she kept moving until he started to come down.  He never removed his hands from her hair as he pulled her up to him and kissed her tasting himself on her.

 

He shoved his tongue into her mouth and lifted her again so her legs wrapped around his waist.  It wouldn't be long until he was hard again.  He wanted her.  He wanted to feel her around him in this perfect spot in nature.  He'd waited a long time to feel her like this again.  And he was determined to make the most of it.  He wanted her to feel it.  The physical burn, the overwhelming warmth of someone pleasing her.  He spun her so her back was against the rock.  "Tell me if it hurts."  He looked her in the eyes.  He put his hand behind her back as a bit of a buffer between her and the rock behind her.  He held her hips up with his other hand.  He didn't want to ruin the moment but he had to ask.  "Are you still on birth control?"

 

She giggled when he asked it.  But at least he was thinking.  "Yes.  Everyday."  She said as she ran her hand over his cheek.  She trusted him.  Maybe they should have been a bit more careful, but when did they ever do anything the easy way.  She felt him position her over him and slid her down on him.  They groaned in unison as she settled herself on him fully.  She wrapped her arm around his neck to help hold herself up as he moved in and out of her slowly.  Her chest pressed against his causing a pleasurable pain as her hardened nipples rubbed up against his chest.

 

Harry rested his forehead on hers as he thrusted up into her.  Slowly at first and then a bit more pronounced.  He could feel the rock scratching against his hand, and he hoped it wasn't too hard on her back, but she didn't seem to be complaining.  She squeezed her thighs around him tighter which made him groan and close his eyes.  He licked over his lips as he moved harder into her.  She laid her head back exposing the front of her neck,  he opened his eyes to see her smooth skin in front of him.  His lips found the middle of her neck, and he kissed her and then moved to the side closer to her collarbone where he sucked on her skin a bit harder than he intended.

 

This was more than he had hoped for when she came here.  What a fucking feeling.  His high increased as he started thrusting harder into her.  Feeling the rock against his hand and her back.  Somehow the pain made the feeling more intense.  He groaned with each thrust feeling himself hit the back of her.  The rush of the water behind them adding to the syncopation of their rhythm. Hearing her moan his name.  Her arms struggling to pull him tighter to her.  He felt her core clench around him and he released.  Their orgasms in complete sync.  When her head rested on his shoulder and she struggled to catch her breath, he held her up against him.  Slowly setting her on the rock when both their breathing slowed.

 

He watched her run her hands through her hair and her chest start to slow down as she took deeper breaths.  He smiled at her flushed cheeks and the slight smile that never left her lips.  He chuckled when she covered her chest with one arm as she looked for her bikini.  "Don't be shy now."  He handed her the bikini and slipped his shorts on never taking his eyes from her.

 

"Shut up, Harry."  She said trying to suppress her giggles.  She pulled her bottoms over her legs and then jumped down off the rock and pulled them up.  She tied the bikini top behind her neck and then felt Harry turn her around to tie the one behind her back.

 

"Shit!"  Harry exclaimed.  His fingers ran over the scratches that ran up and down her back.  "Why didn't you say anything?"  He tied the tie gently and turned her to look at him.  "Seriously.  Why didn't you tell me?"  He cupped her cheek gently with his hand.  "I didn't want to hurt you."

 

Julie closed her eyes and leaned her cheek into his hand.  "I didn't even notice."  She giggled.  "Yes, you made me feel that good."  She took his hand and looked at it.  "I mean, your hand looks the same."  She kissed the scratches on the back of his hand.  "And I love these hands.  It's a shame."

 

"Oh, I hope one of them scars.  So, every time I look at it, I remember this moment.  You literally took my breath away."  He smiled and leaned down and kissed her lips.  "I, uh, seem to have thrown your hair tie.  You're not going to make me scour the bottom of the pool to find it, are you?"

 

"Not the hands!!"  She exclaimed and laughed as she walked towards the waterfall.  "And I might. I'm not sure that I have an extra, and since you no longer need one, I can't steal yours."  She stopped and stood under the water like a shower.  She pushed her hair and the water back over her head.  Leaning her head back and letting the water run over her face.  Trying to cool down her core body temperature.

 

Harry laughed and watched her.  When she was standing under that water fall.  Hands running over her hair and then her body, he was going crazy.  He felt a twitching in his shorts as he walked up to her.  "You are going to make me lose my mind tonight."  He stood next to her and let the water run over him and then pulled her to him and kissed her.  "We better go get a drink.  And maybe sit on opposite ends of the blanket for a few minutes.  Or that may happen again."  He laughed and took her hand and walked her out of the water and to the blanket.  He grabbed two waters and opened one for her.  He drank his and then looked at her.

 

She drank her water and set it down and then looked over at him.  "Will you stop staring at me?  You're making me nervous.  I feel like I'm about to be eaten."  She shook her head, scrunching her nose at him.  "Seriously, cut it out."

 

"I can't help it."  He laughed.  "I want to know where all that came from.  I mean, we were working towards you being more open in those situations, but that hit me out of nowhere."

 

Julie blushed and looked down as she shook her head.  "You know you're embarrassing me."

 

"Shit, Julie.  After that I didn't think a little talk about it would embarrass you."  He lay back on the blanket and looked at the darkening sky.  He pulled her so she lay next to him and wrapped his arm around her as she laid her head on his chest.

 

"I just lived in the moment.  That's all.  It felt right.  So, I did it.  I don't know.  But if you don't shut up about it, I'm going to start thinking too hard about it, and you know where that will lead."  She said relaxing into his side.

 

"Ok, ok.  I'm shutting up."  He said lazily stroking over her back gently.

 

"Didn't you like it?"  She asked him.  Suddenly self-conscious of what she did.

 

"Oh, good god, what did I start?"  He chuckled.  "You know damn well I enjoyed it immensely.  Now it's your turn to shut up."

 

She laughed and then bit his chest.  "Well, I'm glad you enjoyed it."  She took a deep breath.  She was trying not to over think all of this.  It was difficult though.  That was something she never thought she would do in life.  But then again, with Harry, she did a lot of those things.  Including falling in love again.  She couldn't deny anymore that she loved him.  She couldn't deny anymore that she wanted him in her life as more than a friend.  She wasn't sure how she'd ever fooled herself into thinking they could be just friends.  But she wasn't quite sure she was ready to make a commitment to him exclusively.  But right now, there was no other place she would rather be.

 

Harry crossed his ankles over each other as he stretched his legs out.  He'd never seen them here.  Not now.  He was hoping by the end of this trip he could have convinced her that they could be more than friends.  At least in some way.  But this was rather a shock to him.  She surprised him.  From the moment he'd seen her here in Jamaica, there was something different about her.  He knew she would love this spot; he knew she would be a little more relaxed away from the world.  She always was when she traveled to see him, but he hadn't expected her quite this relaxed.  She was still changing.  She lost out a lot of her young adulthood going through shit.  She was now learning what most people learned a bit earlier in life.  But at least she had opened herself up to it.  He kissed her head, and before he knew it, he was asleep with her by his side.

 

Julie woke up and opened her eyes.  She could hear the waterfall in the distance, but it was much harder to see.  It was completely dark out.  She couldn't believe she'd fallen asleep in the open like that.  She started to sit up when she felt Harry's arm tighten.

 

"Shhhhh..."  He said to her.  "Don't move.  I'm afraid I'm going to wake up and all that was a dream."

 

"Such a dork."  She said pushing him on his chest.  "It's completely dark out.  Don't you think we should maybe head back?"

 

"Nope, not a chance in hell.  This night is not ending yet."  He tightened his arm again when she went to get up.

 

"And what do you expect to happen?"  She asked him.  She was afraid and excited about the answer all at the same time.

 

He smirked even though she couldn't see him, and he took her hand from his chest and put it down over his shorts.  "Quite obvious if you ask me."  He laughed as she gasped.  "Oh, I know you're into it."

 

"Yeah," she giggled and blushed.  "I'm kinda into it."

 

He rolled her quickly onto her back, kneed between her thighs, pulled her bikini bottoms to the side, lowered his shorts just enough to let himself out and pushed into her groaning as he did.  They moved together until neither could take anymore and came down together once more.  He lay to her side again making sure they were both covered.  After a few minutes of lying there, he stifled his laugh as he said.  "Yeah, now we can go."  He laughed out loud when she smacked him in his chest.


	37. Chapter 37

The next morning, Harry woke up early and went and made two cups of coffee.  He had been tempted to ask Julie to stay with him in his room last night, but he didn't want to push his luck.  Harry knocked on her door lightly with the coffee, and when she didn't answer, he opened it quietly and slowly.  He saw a lump in the middle of the bed, under the comforter.  He knew as soon as he walked closer, he would just see her face sticking out.  She loved being snuggled in the covers.  He set the coffee on the night stand and moved a piece of hair from over her eye.

 

Julie groaned as she felt someone sitting by her and moving her hair.  "Harry, I'm still tired."

 

"How did you know it was me?"  He asked chuckling at her.

 

"Who else would it be?"  She mumbled pulling the comforter tighter around her.

 

"Maybe the hot long-haired guitar player you were talking about yesterday."  He smirked, but she didn't even open her eyes.

 

"Too early for that."  Julie yawned and rolled onto her back and then gasped a bit.  Shit.  The scratches.  She moved back to her side.  "Ouch."  She mumbled quietly.

 

"Come on.  Let me see."  He helped her roll to her stomach and pulled her shirt up her back.  "Damn, you really should have told me.  Next time, I need to make sure I bring something soft to put between you and the rocks."

 

"Next time?  Who says there's going to be a next time?"  She shook her head and laughed into the pillow.  "There's only one spot that hurts really."  She felt his fingers run over it.  "Yep, that's the one."

 

There was a pretty good scratch right over her left shoulder blade.  "Well, I can't regret yesterday, but I am sorry about the scratches."  He leaned down and kissed her shoulder blade.  "You know, I would have preferred to have slept with you in my arms last night.  They would have worked better than this blanket."  He pulled the blanket down off her.  He lay down next to her and pulled her gently into his arms.

 

"Well, you never asked.  Maybe you should have."  She said laying her head on his chest.

 

"Maybe I should have."  He closed his eyes and gently ran his hands over her arm.  "I did get us adjoining rooms in South Africa.  Maybe I can rectify that there."

 

She took a deep breath.  "We should probably talk a little bit before we run off to South Africa."

 

He groaned.  "Now?  Really?  We can't just go with yesterday and not talk about it?"

 

"No, Harry.  We can't.  I'm enjoying spending time with you.  As more than friends.  But there are a lot of things we have to make clear, before we can continue it."  She replied rolling away from him a little and looking up at his face.

 

He wrinkled his nose and sniffled a little and then let out a breath.  "Yeah, yeah, ok, fine.  But I'm doing it under protest."

 

It was her turn to groan.  "Harry, you can't just expect to...."

 

"I'm not!  Ok, ok, what exactly are we addressing?"  He helped her sit up and handed her the coffee he'd made for her, giving her a half smile.  "I still remember."

 

"I hope so. You made me coffee for almost a year."  She shook her head and let out a breath.  "We should just get it all out in the open.  That way, if we really have a chance of moving forward, nothing comes up and surprises us.  So, you or me first?"

 

"Well, you started this, so you go first."  He leaned back against the head board.  They'd said a lot over the past year on a few different occasions.  But nothing had ever been addressed completely, so he knew she was right.  He guessed it was time to get everything out in the open and clear the air, if there was to be a fresh start.

 

"I guess I just need help understanding what happened.  Like, even if we were having problems, which I didn't see, I just don't understand how I walked into that hotel room closer to a man than I ever thought I'd be and walked out further away than I've ever been to that same man."  She took a deep breath.  She didn't want to make this into a fight, into an emotional back and forth.  She felt it was just time for straight answers.  It was time for her to fully understand.

 

Harry took a drink of his coffee to stall for a moment.  He probably needed to really think about the whole situation that had led up to that day.  It was something that he wasn't sure he knew the answer to completely.  "Yeah, I've been over that a lot myself actually.  Thing is, none of the answers I come up with explain it completely."

 

"Try.  Please."  She prodded him quietly.  "I need to know."

 

He set his mug down, took hers and set it down next to his.  He turned and faced her and then took her hands.  He watched their hands as his thumbs gently caressed the back of her hands.  "I was scared.  I know you never believed my feelings for you ran as deep as they did.  But Julie, I was scared of being so in love, so fast, of needing you so much.  I never thought I would ever have such deep feelings for someone so quickly.  Even after my birthday, when you left London, and I went on tour.  I didn't understand how much I wanted you to stay, how much I yearned for you to come with me.  They were hard to accept."

 

She took one of her hands from him and ran her fingers over the scratches on the back of his hand.  "But you are the one who pushed me to feel.  You're the one who wanted me to accept my feelings for you.  So, now you're telling me that as you were telling me I should feel all my feelings, you were fighting your feelings for me?" He really was a puzzle, she thought.

 

He chuckled a little.  "Yeah, guess so.  I wasn't prepared for them anymore than you were.  But for completely different reasons.  When you confronted Johnny.  When you realized that you were strong enough do that, the entire dynamic of our relationship changed.  I no longer had to worry about your fear of him, but I had a whole new fear.  I had a fear of you no longer needing me.  You were standing on your own.  And the whole time, all I kept thinking was that you were going to realize now that you didn't need me to help you through the dark, to see just how much you hated my lifestyle, and how much you didn't want the constant intrusion into your life."

 

"But, it wasn't like that."  She sighed.  "I'm not good in the public's eye.  I don't like people watching my every move.  But I was mostly scared about it because of Johnny.  Other than that, it was just an inconvenience.  And you were worth more than an inconvenience to me.  I just never looked at social media or the tabloids. I just lived in my own little Harry bubble."

 

"How was it in that little Harry bubble?"  He asked amused.

 

"Well, it was pretty good, until it popped."  She said letting go of his hands and getting off the bed.

 

"Julie.  Don't get angry."  He said sighing and sitting up on the edge of the bed.

 

"I'm not angry.  Really, I'm not."  She took a breath.  "You just caught me so off guard back then, that every time I think about it, I get so frustrated.  Like, I can't believe I didn't see it coming even a little bit."

 

"Yeah, honestly, I didn't really plan it.  In the moment, we were both so frustrated, and it didn't seem I was getting you to hear anything I was saying."  He stood up and walked over to her.  He put his hands on her waist.  "And I wasn't hearing anything you were saying either.  I was convinced you would leave me, eventually, and I was falling deeper in love with you, and that scared me.  I wasn't ready.  Can anyone really be ready for that?"

 

"No, Harry, I wasn't ready.  But you were throwing Amanda and Niall moving in together at me, like we should want it because they did.  And I wasn't ready for that.  You gauged our relationship on theirs.  And it wasn't fair."

 

"I know."  He took her hand and led her back to the bed to sit down.  He turned towards her and took her hands again.  "Not exactly a proud moment, believe me.  We were in love, we were in a relationship, we had been for a while, and you were about to lose a roommate to an apartment you couldn't afford alone.  And you wouldn't even ask me for help.  For ANYTHING."

 

"I never did."  She said looking down.  "Why would I have then?"

 

"Because things had changed.  I thought you knew you could come to me with anything.  Julie, look what we got through TOGETHER.  Look what you shared with me, look what I understood.  You were concerned, I know you were, but you didn't even voice those concerns to me."  Harry explained.

 

"I wasn't.  Not like that, not that much.  I had time to find some place to live."  She sighed.  "I guess I'll just never get, that you broke my heart instead of fighting it out with me."

 

He sighed.  He didn't know how else to explain this to her.  "And, I guess I will never understand you not wanting to share everything with me."  They sat there in silence for what seemed like forever, but probably wasn't more than a couple of minutes.  "I loved you too much, too fast.  I couldn't deal with all those emotions. It felt like being slammed by a tsunami that I couldn't control. And I convinced myself I shouldn't want you around so much."  When she laughed, he gave her a look.  "Why would you laugh?"

 

She shook her head.  "Just seems, you ended our relationship, the way I started it.  Just a bit ironic if you ask me."  She sighed and looked up at him.  "I'm sorry that you felt that I didn't love you enough to stay. That you didn't see how I felt about you."

 

"Julie."  It was Harry's turn to sigh.  "Yeah, I don't know. I was insecure.  That's all I got."

 

She took his hand and held it in her lap.  "You're insecure, don't know what for, you're turning heads when you walk through the do-o-or."  She sang quietly to him.

 

Harry laughed.  "Shouldn't I be using that line?"

 

"Maybe.  I'm sorry.  It's hard to see someone like you being insecure.  I never thought I could make you insecure. I would have never believed it in a million years. I never thought I was ever good enough for you."  She sighed.  "You know we're a complete mess, right?"

 

"Yeah."  He chuckled.  "We definitely are.  So, we should be a mess together, rather than apart," he said smirking at her.

 

"Yeah, slow down there, buddy."  She said.  "We've got a lot to work out still.  Like your inexplicable jealousy of Zayn."

 

Harry groaned.  "Julie."  He whined.  "Do we have to?"

 

"Yes, we have to talk about it, and him.  And Kendall."  She said side eyeing him.  "Definitely Kendall."

 

"Well, you shouldn't have to ask, just apply my rationale to your rationale of Kendall."  He said.  Hoping he could get out of it.

 

"No, can't, sorry.  We already know the differences."  She said shaking her head.  "You want to move forward, then we have to clear the air.  And this is part of it."

 

"I know."  He sighed and leaned back on his hands.  "Kendall was a distraction, a conveniently placed one."  He cringed when he said it.  "God, it sounds even more horrible when I say it.  I was angry at you for Zayn."

 

"Angry at me for Zayn?  Because you ASSUMED you knew what was going on between us?"  She asked him.

 

"Yes.  As I said, there was always a certain understanding between you and Zayn.  Always a connection, even without words being spoken.  He got you, and you got him. It seemed so easy between the two of you. And we never had that. And that hurt."  Harry said.  He had to admit it, fully, not only to her but to himself.  "There was no denying it."

 

"Yeah, Harry, it's called paralyzing anxiety."  She sighed and leaned back on her hands.  "You just get it.  You just get the other person who feels it.  The overthinking, the fear of judgement, the wondering if you will ever be good enough. You should be thrilled that we didn't have that type of connection."

 

"Sorry, Julie, but he didn't have your life.  You can't compare what he was going through with what you were going through. I'm sorry, but you can't."  Harry shook his head.  He had a hard time sympathizing with Zayn.

 

"No, he didn't, but anxiety is a fickle creature.  Normal, easy, everyday things turn into something to fear.  Every 'what if' scenario you can think of comes up.  And sometimes, it just hits you out of nowhere.  As well as I'm doing,  I still have it.  I still panic; I still struggle. There are times I don't want to go anywhere or do anything.  Like Amanda and Niall's engagement party. I almost skipped it.  I planned it all, I knew it would go well, but I was afraid something would go wrong, and I would get blamed.  Could you imagine Niall or Amanda furious with me if the flowers weren't the right color?"  She looked at him when he wrinkled his eyebrows at her.  "Yeah, me either, but in the moment, my anxiety told me that they were going to hate me."

 

"Yeah, I guess I just won't completely understand that."  He said.  Sure, he'd felt anxiety. Who hadn't? But he knew Julie's brain worked differently than his. He reached up and touched her face. "But I can be there for you, to tell you that you're wrong."  He smiled.

 

She laughed.  "Yeah, wouldn't matter."

 

"But that's not the only thing with him.  You let him help you.  You let him do the one thing you were purposely hiding from me.  As much as you being with him physically would have hurt, that hurt even worse."  He said to her shifting and lying on his back on the bed.  "You were giving him that piece, that connection."

 

She shook her head again.  "Not exactly how you're making it out to be."  She said running her hand through her hair.  "I let him help, yes.  Months after you ended it between us.  I was slowly showing my work to others before you broke up with me.  Myself.  When you left me, I stopped completely.  I didn't even write at all anymore.  After months, I finally decided to set up some more meetings. Everything was changing everywhere around me, and all I did was sleep and work.  My first meeting was the one at the Beverly Hills Hotel, where I met some producers for lunch.  They seemed interested, but said that they needed to hear the ideas with music, and I had no shot in hell in putting my words to music.  I was resigned to giving up.  Then I ran into Zayn.  He told me that I had the perfect boyfriend to go to.  I told him I no longer had a boyfriend.  He was shocked.  He told me to go to Niall.  I didn't want to do that either.  I felt bad for Niall and Amanda having to manage a friendship with me and with you.  Zayn said he could get me in contact with some producers.  So, they called, I accepted and we worked on it. It was just a matter of being at the same place at the same time. Nothing more."  She spit out the story quickly.

 

"But, you spent time with him."  He pouted.  He shook his head and then stuck his bottom lip out.  "And that's not fair."  Even he knew he sounded a bit ridiculous, but the whole situation had hurt him more than he'd ever care to admit.

 

She groaned and laid back on the bed next to him staring at the ceiling the same way he was.  "I was lonely."  She said quietly.  "Look, I didn't come to you then for obvious reasons, and I didn't want to put Niall, Louis, or Liam in a position where it looked like they were going against you.  Zayn was not meant to hurt you; he was meant to help me."

 

"Anyone but him, though."  He whined again. God, could he sound any more petulant? he wondered.

 

"Harry, unlike you, I had no connections with anyone who could help me.  Like I could just call up some random person and say, 'hey, I used to date Harry Styles, does that give me enough in for you to help me?'" Julie grimaced at the thought.

 

"You could have.  It might have sold."  He quirked a lip then rolled towards her and leaned his elbow on the bed with his face on his hand. Time to be brutally honest. "And Kendall was meant to hurt you.  I knew.  I won't deny it.  I was trying to get back at you for hurting me with Zayn.  I can't change it.  I knew out of everybody that she would get to you the most."

 

She knocked his hand out from under his head so he fell towards the bed.  "Yeah, I got that."

 

"Ouch!"  He couldn't help but laugh.  "I am sorry, Julie. I wasn't thinking straight and hadn't been for a long time, and I fucked up. Badly."

 

"We both did."  She rolled him onto his back and straddled his waist.  "The question is can we get over it enough to move forward, without always looking back?  Can we take this slowly, or at whatever pace we want, to see if we can possibly have a future together?"

 

He put his hands on her waist, shocked that she'd climbed over him.  "I'm looking at the only thing that matters.  And that's you, on top of, er, I mean with me."  He laughed.

 

She rolled her eyes and climbed off of him.  "Ugh, I swear, 'ruin the moment Harry' is going to be your new name."

 

He grabbed her and laid her on her back, this time straddling her.  "I did not ruin the moment."  He held her hands down on the bed lacing his fingers through hers.

 

She tried to break her hands free.  "You did!  Just accept it!"  She struggled underneath him feeling her hips rub against his, and she gasped at the feeling.

 

"You move like that much more, and this will end up a much different kind of back and forth."  He said his eyes locked on hers.

 

"It sounds like it could be a lot of fun, actually."  She could feel the slight pain in her back from the scratches, but what she mostly remembered was the feeling he'd given her last night.

 

"Oh, I am liking this.  I'm bringing you to Jamaica more often.  Must be the freedom in the air."  He leaned down and caught her lips.  He kissed her gently, and then when their lips met again, he licked over hers asking for access.  He deepened the kiss when she accepted.  His hands tightened on hers when she nipped at his bottom lip.  "So, does this mean, we can continue to move forward?"  He asked.  They'd had a deep conversation just now.  He wanted to make sure.

 

"If moving forward feels like it did yesterday, then yes, please."  She said smirking at him this time.  She groaned when he forcefully brought his lips back to hers.  She ran her hands up the back of his shirt when he leaned down.

 

He groaned into the kiss when her hands met the skin on his back.  The kiss turning him on more and more by the second.  He ran his hands under her shirt pushing it up slowly revealing her skin when there was a knock on the door.  He groaned for a different reason this time.  "What?"  He asked the intruder at the door a bit annoyed, still looking down at her underneath him.

 

"Five minutes until you need to leave for the airport."  They heard Jeff say through the door.

 

"We can be late."  He said looking down into her beautiful blue eyes.

 

"No, we can't."  She said kissing his lips quick.  "Harrietta awaits.  But imagine the fun we can have with adjoining rooms."


	38. Chapter 38

Harry dropped Julie's bag in her room when they made it to South Africa.He watched her walk in dragging her feet and yawning.He grabbed her hand and pulled her to him."You know, if you weren't going to sleep on the plane ride here, we could have made the most of it.I'm not sure why you wouldn't join the mile-high club with me."He said kissing her lips.

 

"There's always the way home."She giggled and stepped away from him."I hate flights this long.I feel dirty."She went to her suitcase to grab her bathroom bag.

 

"Well, let's get dirtier, so we can clean up."He said stepping towards her.

 

"Slow down, buddy."She said putting her hand on his chest."There is more to me than just being your sex slave."

 

He laughed out loud throwing his head back.His booming laugh echoing off the windows."Sex slave, huh?Well, how about if I be your sex slave then?I think I'd really like that."

 

Julie groaned loudly."Why do I even bother?"

 

"Yeah, I'm not sure of the answer to that either."He said reaching for her, only to find her stepping back."Come on, we got interrupted in Jamaica, and it's all I've been craving since."

 

"Don't you have your own room that you should go check out?"She said walking into the bathroom and turning the light on.

 

"Really?You're sending me away already?"He stood there, hands on his hips and stomped his feet."You can't be sending me away already."

 

"Oh, but I am."She looked out of the bathroom door at him."Pick up your lip, stop stomping your foot, and go."She smiled at him."And order some room service because I need some good food."

 

He smiled at her."To your room or mine?"

 

"Both.Mine to my room and yours to your room."She smiled sweetly at him.

 

"Not a chance in hell.Food will be in my room. I suggest if you're hungry, you don't take too long."He started to walk away smugly.

 

"I can order myself, Styles."Maybe not the good stuff."I do have SOME of my own money."She laughed.She hated being so broke.Nursing more than paid her bills.This writing thing, not so much.

 

"Enjoy your French fries.The good stuff will be with me."He said opening the adjoining door before going through.

 

"Oh," She turned and looked at him before he shut it."I thought I had the good stuff."She bit the tip of her finger and closed the bathroom door laughing.

 

"YOU.ARE.EVIL."He said loudly as she shut the door.He heard her laugh and then went to his room.He had thought about cancelling one of the rooms when they got on so well in Jamaica and when they'd sort of cleared the air but figured maybe two rooms might be better.They had their separate corners they could go to if needed.It was tempting to jump back in, since he already knew what it was like to be with her, but knew it was best they feel it out a bit slower.Take things as they come.Don't just jump into too big of a commitment. He said, yeah, he guessed he was growing up – and he really did want this to work.He ordered room service, a variety of foods, and then fell back onto his bed.He had been hoping for a good vacation with her, but he hadn't quite expected it to be this good.

 

Harry grabbed his phone and made a call to confirm that everything was set up for tomorrow.He'd had James and another member of security, Scott, come along with them, just in case.He didn't figure they would have too many problems, but he wanted to be safe.Have them around just in case things happened.The place Harrietta was housed was a public place, so even though he'd arranged a bit of privacy, he couldn't have it exactly how he wanted it.After he got off the phone, he wondered if there were any private waterfalls in South Africa he could take her to.He laughed out loud at the thought.What a night that had been.Totally unexpected and totally amazing.And he hadn't been able to think about anything other than being with her, over and over again.He crossed his ankles over one another, clasped his hands behind his head and closed his eyes, getting lost in the day dream of that night.

 

Julie came out of the bathroom after a nice hot shower and plopped herself on the bed.What a crazy couple of days.She hadn't known what she wanted from Harry when she'd landed in Jamaica.She just knew she wanted to be there.Things got heavy, fast.She'd never expected to sleep with him again so quickly, but when had she ever been able to control herself with him?Every other man, she had complete self-control with.She never had an urge she couldn't manage.But with Harry, her body reacted just by looking at him.Since the moment they met, she'd felt it.She was determined when they broke up to go out on some dates, feel out what it would be like to be with someone other than Johnny and Harry.She had nothing to compare Harry to except for Johnny, who was nothing good.But it just didn't seem to work.First Daniel turned out to be nothing like she'd expected.He had apologized, he was quite kind to her when she still worked at the hospital, and Panda said he still asks how she is, but it was too weird.

 

Then there was Jaime.Yeah, it didn't take her long to figure out there wasn't going to be anything going on there but friendship.She'd slept in the same bed with him often, but he definitely wasn't interested in her.She laughed at the thought.And finally, Marcus.He was a great guy.Very kind, very much a gentleman, very much someone who would always treat her with respect and love.Opened doors, pulled out chairs, made sure she had everything she needed before he did.But there was a lack of physical chemistry.She didn't realize how much that could mean.He was perfect in so many ways.But he just did nothing for her.There was no pull.

 

She sighed to herself.All she had to do is make eye contact with Harry from across the room, and she could feel the pull.The electricity running through her body.She never quite understood it.And for someone like her, who liked to have a valid reason, a valid explanation,it was pretty hard to grasp.But she couldn't fight it anymore.It was there.The moment she saw him in Jamaica, she just knew she had to go with it.She looked at the clock and figured out the time difference in Ireland. She picked up her phone and texted Amanda."Panda.I don't know what I'm doing anymore."

 

She quickly got a reply which surprised her.The message asked what happened.What didn't happen was more the question of the day.She thought about it; it wasn't something she usually talked about in detail.But she needed to make sure she wasn't crazy.So, she was straight and to the point."I slept with Harry behind a waterfall in Jamaica."Almost right after she hit send, her phone started ringing, and it was Amanda.She answered and said."Well, that was quick."

 

"You did what?"Amanda asked incredulously."Oh, do I want to know the details of this."

 

"Well, I'm not going to give you a play by play.But we had a great day around the small town, and he took me to this little private place outside of the Villa.There was an opening through a small grove of trees and then this beautiful waterfall.We had something to eat and then went into the water.He put his hands on my waist and asked me not to tell him to let go.Well, I didn't tell him to let go, and one thing led to another, and yeah it happened.A lot happened."Julie sighed."Then, we had a really deep conversation this morning and were just about to have round two, when Jeff knocked and said we had to get to the airport."

 

"Jesus Christ, JJ."Amanda laughed into the phone."You've been gone two days and already covered all of that?"

 

"Amanda."Julie warned.

 

"Yeah, yeah, don't start calling me Amanda.Look, there's no doubt the two of you were on a collision course back to each other.It was a slow, painful journey, even to us.But eventually, you two were going to get here.There were way too many feelings to ignore."Amanda explained gently."This is what you need. You need to let yourself feel with him, be with him, to determine if you guys have something to work towards."

 

"Yeah, I think we've already determined that."Julie said."If I'm honest, I'm scared.But I'm not sure what I'm more scared of.If I'm more scared of giving in to him or if I'm more scared of not giving into him.And do I seem like a whore by sleeping with him now, when we aren't quite sure what we are exactly?"

 

Amanda couldn't help but laugh out loud."JJ.Seriously?You were in a year long relationship with him before.It's not like you saw him for two days and slept with him behind a waterfall.Not that there would be anything wrong with that.Will you stop thinking so hard and just let yourself feel it in the moment?Like you obviously were in the waterfall."

 

"I'm scared."Julie said quietly.She'd shown every feeling from the time she landed in Jamaica except for her fear.There was still part of her that was scared to give him her heart again.To expect he was going to be there for her.

 

"I know you are."Amanda said quietly to her, comforting."JJ, I know that.But you have to be willing to take a chance."

 

"I'm trying.But if he breaks my heart again, I'm not sure how I will be able to handle it."Julie said wiping the tear from her eye.

 

"You will tell him to fuck off and go live your life.He's not your whole life, he'll never be your whole life.But he can be a part of it.Let him in JJ.Be yourself.As angry as I was, and maybe still am, at Harry, he sees you better than anyone else.That's important."Amanda sighed when she was interrupted."Look, Niall and I have a meeting I don't want to go, but I have to.It's for the wedding."

 

"It's ok.Really."Julie said taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly."I needed to talk to you, and I have.I don't think there's any other way to do this, then to just try.Even if I'm petrified."

 

"Just be yourself, JJ.If he accepts you for you, and you guys get back together for good, that's great.And if it doesn't work out, then at least you've tried and you will get through it.No matter how much it hurts."Amanda said to her supportively."Niall says he hates you, and I say I love you.We'll talk soon."

 

"I hate him, too.Thanks, Panda.Love you."Julie hung up the phone and sat up.She grabbed the charger from her bag and plugged it in next to the bed.Her stomach rumbled, and she groaned.She had forgotten how hungry she was.She was two steps from the adjoining door when she heard a soft knock.She threw the door open and laughed when Harry jumped."Hey."She said to him.

 

"Hey.You scared the crap out of me."He shook his head and chuckled stepping back."Food's here, thought you should know."

 

"Thanks, I'm starving."She said walking past him and over to the cart.She picked up a grape and put it in her mouth."Looks like you ordered the whole menu."

 

"Not the whole menu.But enough.Extra fruit, because I know you'll eat that all night long."He grabbed a strawberry from in front of her.He could tell she was a little subdued.He put his fingers under her chin and made her look at him."You ok?"

 

"Yeah, I'm ok.Really."She smiled at him."I just talked to Panda."

 

"Ahhhh, so you talked about me."He teased.

 

"Yes."Julie admitted.

 

"Well, I was just teasing, but I still figured.All good things?"He asked uncovering a plate and taking it and sitting on the couch.

 

"Just how scared I am."Julie admitted grabbing a plate of what looked good and a bowl of fruit.Why not be completely honest?It was the only way this was going to work, right?

 

"Scared?Of me?"He asked eyeing her up as he picked at his food.

 

"Not exactly of you."She pushed her food around her plate a little."Just of giving you my heart, and it ending like it did last time.Just trusting you fully only for it to end abruptly again."

 

He set his fork down and reached over and stopped her from playing with her food."Please, just, look at me."He hated the look of doubt in her eyes.She didn't have it as often, but when she did, there was no denying it.It took her a minute, but when she lifted her eyes to his, he looked into hers deeply."I wish, that I could promise you that I would never, ever hurt you again.I do.I wish I could.But what I can promise you is that I will work harder at listening to what you're saying instead of just assuming I'm right."

 

She looked back into his eyes.Such kind beautiful green eyes he had.He has always said he could see her soul through her eyes, and seemed it was the same with him.You could read him through the look in his eyes.His sincerity was sometimes overwhelming."I know, and most of the time, I'm ok; most of the time I get that it happened, and it's over, and people make mistakes.Just sometimes, I struggle remembering."

 

"Will, you ever be able to forgive me?Do you think it's possible?"He let go of her and looked down at his plate.

 

"Oh, Harry, I've already forgiven you.Do you think I would have gone to Jamaica or come to South Africa if I hadn't?I'm just not perfect.And there are times I seem to struggle with it, and there are times I don't.Unfortunately, patience is probably a virtue you're going to need to still have to deal with me."She shrugged.

 

Harry chuckled as he picked up his fork again."Well, that's not a surprise.I can be patient as long as you keep being honest with me."

 

"Do you forgive me?"She asked taking a bite of the food from her plate.

 

"Forgive you?For what?I recall you standing in that hotel room asking me not to break up with you."He looked at her face wondering what she was thinking.

 

"For not understanding that you needed me to share more at that time.For making you feel insecure in my feelings for you."She stated matter-of-factly.

 

"Oh, yeah, no doubt.A long time ago."He leaned over and stole a kiss from her."Now, we have spent a LONG time going over all of this.Do you think we can let it go, and just have some fun now?"

 

"Yes, for now.Until you piss me off again."She said grinning at him.

 

"So, not for long, huh?Since I tend to do that well?"He asked smiling at her and eating some more from his plate.

 

"Correct."She confirmed, nodding her head."You're the best person I know at it."

 

"See, goals.Gotta be good at something."He said as he grabbed a piece of fruit from her bowl.

 

"Well, you, as always, are an overachiever."She finished the food on her plate and took her bowl and pulled it close to her chest."Get your own.You stay away from my fruit, please."

 

He chewed the fruit pretending to think and smiled slyly at her."Yeah, not happening.I will leave the bowl for now, but your fruit is the only fruit I want."

 

It took her a minute, but then she got it, and she felt her cheeks getting warm and knew she was turning red, which was exactly the reaction he'd wanted."Yeah?Well, maybe I'm just going to have to have you work harder for my 'fruit' then."

 

"You couldn't resist.Tell me you haven't already tried."He said smugly.

 

"Are you challenging me?Because, you've been around me quite often.You know what I'm capable of.Do you think that's smart?"She said smiling sweetly at him.

 

He got up, took her plate and her bowl and walked them to the cart.He turned around and walked back up to her pulling her up to him wrapping his arms snugly around her waist."Well, I was going to.But then I did remember, so no, I'm not."He snuggled his face between her neck and shoulder.

 

She smiled and let out a breath.She wrapped her arms around his waist and stayed cuddled close to him."Good, because I'd rather be right here, anyway."She took in a deep breath.Remembering his scent.Her body washing over with the safe familiar feeling she always had with him.A feeling she hadn't been able to grasp for over a year."Just, please be patient.I know I'll stumble.But I want to try to give you all I can."

 

He slowly rubbed her back gently, avoiding the part that had the worst scratches."That's fine.Long as we're working together, we can take our time."He kissed the top of her head and then her forehead leaving his lips on it with his eyes closed.They stood like that for a few minutes and then he backed away a little."So, we go in the morning to see Harrietta, which leaves some time tonight where there's nothing planned.What would you like to do?"

 

"Nothing."She said putting her hands on his forearms when he backed away slightly."Just, relax, maybe watch a movie?I may even be convinced to watch The Notebook with you."

 

"What?"Harry asked, playing more shocked than he was.Although he was quite shocked."Are you sure you're ok?Should we check you for a fever?"

 

"Maybe."She said."I mean, you could watch it on your own, and I can go watch my own movie in my room on my laptop if you'd prefer."

 

"No!"He said.He walked her over to her door."Go put on something comfortable, we will climb into my bed, and we will watch a movie.If you fall asleep, then you just stay."

 

"Well, I think you're taking this being in control thing a little too seriously.Geez, they give you complete creative control, and you become bossy."She walked through the door way and stopped putting her hand on the doorframe and turning towards him."I kinda like it."She smiled."I will be right back."She smiled at him and then shut the door.She leaned back against it and let out her breath.She wanted this.She still had a small part of her that was scared, but she needed to work through it.She went and pulled out a t-shirt and shorts and threw them on.She was a little cold, but she had a plan.She walked back towards his room and opened her door to see his open.She smiled and then left her door open also.

 

Harry looked up at her and smiled.He had changed into some shorts and t-shirt that he could sleep in, cleaned up the leftovers from dinner, and put the cart in the hall, and finally set his laptop up on the bed.He was just turning out the big light when she came in."I decided not to load The Notebook yet.Thought I'd give you a chance to change your mind."

 

She walked over to the bed and sat down."A little mood lighting?"She laughed and leaned back on her hands."Do you think I can borrow a hoodie?I'm a bit cold."

 

Harry smiled widely at her."You just want my hoodie."

 

"Yeah, yeah, fine, you got me.I just want your hoodie."  She admitted.

 

"Safety?"He asked as he went to his bag and pulled out the one she always wore."Luckily, I always bring this one with me, no matter where I'm going."He brought it over her and when she lifted her arms he slid it over them for her."Still looks better on you then it does me."

 

She smiled at him and then lay back in bed and covered her legs."Ok, enough ambiance, just come lay by me."She watched him climb into bed, cover his legs and put the laptop on his lap.She moved closer and leaned on his shoulder."Go ahead and load The Notebook.I guess after ALL this time, I can watch it once with you."

 

"Oh, sweetheart, you do love me."He chuckled and started the movie.He lifted his arm and wrapped it around her.Things were looking up.They'd dealt with deep and heavy, and they were still here.Cuddling together in South Africa, watching The Notebook.He would take it.He leaned his head on hers and sighed as they settled in and watched the movie together.When it was over, Harry looked down at her, and she was asleep.It hadn't been that long ago when she was still watching it.He quietly closed the laptop and set it aside.He moved them so they were lying flat and pulled her into his arms.He had a feeling he would sleep better tonight than he had in a long time.


	39. Chapter 39

Harry woke up the next morning and stretched.He'd had quite the dream.After he stretched, he looked over and saw a lump under the comforter next to him.He didn't think he'd wake up to her still there.He figured she would wake and go to her room.The dream he had felt quite real, and he had awoken with quite the predicament.He reached under the comforter and found her back towards him.He scooted closer and smirked even though she was still asleep and couldn't see him.He gently ran his hand over her stomach to see if she would wake.She moved a little and straightened her legs some which actually made him pretty happy.He gently and slowly moved his hand down a bit lower and into her shorts moving his fingers between her folds.He heard her moan a little when his fingers started moving, but she hadn't woken yet.He couldn't help but chuckle.

 

He licked over his lips. He wasn't helping the problem he'd woken up with, but if this worked as planned, he would be completely satisfied when it was over.And it would be the best wake up he'd had in a very long time.She would probably be a bit upset with him at first, but he was hoping she would go with it.She had been extremely open on this trip so far. Why couldn't she be now?He wished she were facing him, because he would have loved to taste her instead. But he knew if he rolled her, she would wake for sure.He was kind of enjoying working her up in her sleep.Hoping it didn't backfire when she woke.When her body jumped, he waited for her to wake up and stop him, but she didn't. She seemed to settle right back down.Fuck.What the hell.He leaned down close to her ear and chuckled lightly, "You're awake, aren't you?"He heard her giggle and then rolled her onto her back."You are evil."He said quietly as she opened her eyes and looked into his."How long were you going to let that go?"

 

"You hadn't quite finished what you'd started."She said sleepily.

 

"Were you awake the whole time?"He asked working her shorts down her hips as he talked to her.

 

"No, I thought I was dreaming at first, but then realized I wasn't."She shook her head at him."I think we're going to have to establish some rules."

 

"Well, I was dreaming too, about doing things to you, made me wake up a little uncomfortable.Thought maybe we could fix that."She still hadn't stopped him from removing her shorts, so he continued."I don't think rules are a good idea.I just like to break them anyway."

 

"You know, part of me thinks this is a really bad idea."She said to him as he threw her shorts to the side.

 

"Well, go with the other part."He said as he leaned down and kissed her lips."Definitely go with the other part."He'd slept with his shirt off so he kicked off his shorts and then kneed between her thighs."I could get used to these types of mornings."

 

"Will you just shut up?"She groaned.She felt his hands run up under her shirt and in one motion he pushed her hoodie and t-shirt over her head.

 

"Much better, now I'll gladly shut up."He threw her shirts aside and kissed her deeply as he slid into her.After his dream worked him up so much, it was nice to get some relief.Mostly, it was nice for his dream to come true.It wasn't all about the sex for him.But he wasn't going to deny he'd missed her body.When they finally started coming down together, he kissed the bruise she had on her collar bone."I'm surprised you didn't yell at me for that."

 

"I didn't figure it would do any good."She said pulling the sheet up over her as he rolled off her.She sat up and pulled the sheet off him and off the bed as she stood and wrapped it around her.

 

"Why so modest?"He asked laying out on the bed on his back crossing his ankles and lacing his fingers together behind his head, laying there as god made him.

 

"We can't all be you, needing to show off our goods."She walked towards the adjoining doors picking up her clothing as she did.She went through and started to shut her door.

 

"Why are you shutting the door?"He called out to her laughing.

 

She looked right at him."I'm taking a shower, and I don't trust you, not even a little."

 

"Probably the right decision."He laughed as she squinted her eyes at him and finished shutting the door.Well, she was right; he probably would have snuck into the shower with her, too.He swore that the past couple of days had been perfect.He was a bit leery about how perfect, about how much she had let him be with her.How open she had been with him in both body and mind.But, they had gotten through some issues during that time, and they seemed to continue to get through more.He would take what he could get.She was the same, sassy, sarcastic, smart, funny, beautiful girl he'd fallen for, but she had also changed.She'd changed just enough so that she wasn't completely behind that wall.He liked it, and he hoped he could continue to see it.He forced himself out of bed and took himself into the shower.As much as he could have stayed in bed with her all day, he had an elephant to show her.He was almost as excited as he knew she was.It was going to be a good day.He felt it.

 

Later that morning.....

 

Harry couldn't help but smile widely at Julie.She was standing next to him, holding his hand tightly.She had her fingers laced through his and then with her other hand was holding onto his forearm.He could feel her excitement.They were standing outside the elephant enclosure waiting for Harrietta to be readied for them.He was actually quite happy with how they had set up their visit.They were treated well since they'd arrived at the sanctuary, and the area they were taken was a lot more private than he thought it would be."You know.You could possibly break my hand if you hold it any tighter.I think I'm losing blood flow to my fingers."

 

"Oh!Sorry!"Julie said relaxing her hand a little on his and then laughing."I didn't realize.Guess I'm just a bit nervous and excited!"

 

"I could tell."He said moving his fingers to get the circulation flowing back through them."I like it.But just want to have feeling in my hand when we're done."He leaned down and kissed her lips."I love it when you're excited like this.But ya know, it kinda bruises the ego when you're more excited about elephants, and hippos, and other animals, than you are when you see me."

 

"Well, I haven't met an animal that's broken my heart yet."She shrugged as she looked around.

 

Ouch.Right in the feels.Maybe it was the truth, but damn."Well, I guess I gotta give you that one."

 

"Sorry, I didn't, well, yeah, I didn't mean it to be that much."She squeezed his hand and his forearm and looked up at him."Animals just give that unconditional love.They don't care if your rich or poor, what you wear or if you brush your hair or not.Whether it's an hour or a week, they are so excited to see you when you walk in the door.They treat people the same, no matter who they are.And I remember my first dog.When I was sad, or hurt, she always knew when I needed a little extra love.Just that head on my arm at the end of a rough day was enough to make me smile."Wow, that's a memory she hadn't talked about in a very long time.One she'd suppressed and never brought up with her past.It was probably the toughest memory she had.

 

Harry watched her face drop as she talked about her dog.Even though she was remembering it as a happy memory, something switched."You miss her?Is she still back in Wisconsin?"He caught a tear that fell onto her cheek.

 

"No, well, maybe.I don't know."She said.She shook her head to try to forget.She was here to have a good time, to be excited about this.

 

"You don't know?"Harry looked at her confused.

 

Julie took a deep breath.She'd promised herself she would be honest with him.Even if this wasn't the best time."She made me too happy.Couldn't have that, I couldn't have something comforting, because then I had something to hold on to.I wasn't focused enough.So, she had to go.She was given away when I was at work."

 

Fucking Johnny.He pulled her close to him and wrapped her tightly in his arms."You'll never fully be able to forget, will you?Memories are always going to hurt.Some way or another."Fuck a man like that.He couldn't even imagine how happy coming home to a dog that was glad to see her would make her.Adopting an elephant that she never got to see made her happy and excited.Why would that man not want to see it?

 

"I just imagine her happy.With an entire family that loves her.I tried to find her, and I tracked her down to a shelter out of town, but she had already been adopted.So, I just imagine she has good people, adults to love her and kids to play with."She buried her face into Harry's chest for a few minutes and then pulled back."And no, I won't ever be able to forget, but I'm hoping to continue to move on, forgive what I can.That though, is probably the hardest to forgive.I loved her, and I knew she loved me."

 

"I hate him.I don't know how you do it.Seriously.I can't forgive him, and I only saw him twice.I could have punched him both times.And I still don't know how you said what you said to him the last time we saw him and let him walk away."He took a deep breath and let it out.If he could do it all over again, he would have taken care of it himself, instead of letting her deal with it.

 

"Harry, you're the kindest person I know.I've told you before you have the best heart I've met.You can't go out of character, especially over someone like him."She looked up at him and then ran her thumb over his lips."I like your ability to hold it together, mostly."

 

He kissed her thumb and looked down into her eyes."Yeah, mostly, there are times that it's not possible, and sometimes I wish those two times were moments I couldn't."

 

"You can't protect me from everything.It's something I needed to do.If I hadn't, I wouldn't be where I am today.And today is a lot better than it was then."She stood on her toes and kissed his lips."The past is the past, and even though I can't control when the past comes up in my memories,I can try to control how I react to it.Not perfectly. I will fail, but I can continue to try."

 

He shook his head fondly at her."I think I've said it before, but the growth you've shown in such a short period of time is mind blowing."

 

"No, it took me way too long.But, I'm getting there."She stood next to him again and laced her fingers back through his."However, if they take much longer to bring me my baby, my attitude may sour quickly."

 

He laughed."Lord, don't keep her from her baby."He said as he looked over at the door when it opened."You ready?"He asked, but he'd barely gotten the words out before he was being pulled towards the door."Guess so."He chuckled.He just about ran into her back when she stopped abruptly."Julie!"He said laughing.He looked up and followed her gaze.Well, Harrietta had sure grown. She was just about as tall as him."Well, there's your baby."

 

"Our baby."She said quietly.She was shocked still.She had seen the pictures, from the time she was born up until about a month or so ago, but seeing her in person, how much she'd grown, how strong she looked playing with the ball with who must be her care-taker was incredible."She's beautiful.And so strong."

 

Harry smiled again at the look on her face.Happy.She looked happy again.Even after their little memory moment they'd just had.He took a few steps and pulled on her hand when they were waved over by the caretaker."Come on, then.You've been waiting for this."

 

"I know, but now that it's here, I'm just amazed."She walked with him and spoke to the caretaker briefly.She explained to them how well Harrietta was doing and how their sponsorship helped her.Julie felt overwhelmed and a fullness in her heart.When Harrietta raised her trunk, Julie raised her hand and gasped when Harrietta wrapped her trunk lightly around her wrist, and then moved her trunk up and down like a handshake."It's nice to meet you, Harrietta.I'm so excited.I've waited a long time to see you."A year and a half ago, Harry had surprised her with the adoption papers.She was glad she didn't have to wait any longer.

 

Harry watched the interaction between Harrietta and Julie.It was impossible, but it was almost like Harrietta knew who was taking care of her.She was kind and gentle when she practically shook Julie's hand.He smiled and then reached out when they had Harietta turn to him.It was an amazing feeling.That trunk was so strong."It's so good to see you, too."He said to the elephant.He had to admit, he was just as amazed as Julie was at all of this.He stood back and observed when the caretaker came and took Julie to play ball with Harrietta.He leaned against a tree towards the edge of the enclosure and just watched.The elephant seriously was kicking the big ball back to Julie.It was so much fun to watch.Julie was running around and laughing trying to catch the ball and roll it back to their elephant.He chuckled.Their child was an elephant.

 

He stood there just watching her for probably a good hour.Then he slowly walked over to her."You're having all the fun.I want to play."He said taking the ball from her.When he looked down at her face, her cheeks were flush, and she was breathing a bit heavily, smiling from ear to ear."Well, you're having fun, aren't you?"He touched her cheeks when she smiled up at him."Hey!"He said as Harrietta used her trunk to move the ball away from him and kick it away.

 

Julie laughed and threw her head back at the look on Harry's face when Harrietta took the ball from him.She accepted a bottle of water from the caretaker and watched Harry running around chasing a ball and an elephant.She had to admit it was quite entertaining.What a great day.She couldn't believe that she was playing with an elephant.At a year and a half, Harrietta was already taller than her and so strong.What would she be like if she came back in another year and a half? All of this was amazing, and crazy, and it was all thanks to Harry.She jumped and screamed when Harry grabbed her from behind."Not nice!"She slapped at his hands.

 

Harry laughed and held her with one arm and stole her water with the other.He took a drink and then handed it back to her.He took her hand and led her over to where they were letting Harrietta play in the water to cool down.It was quite warm out, and he imagined it felt pretty good after she'd run around playing with the both of them.He laughed and wrapped his arms around Julie when she buried herself into him.Harrietta had taken a trunk full of water and shot it right at them.They both looked down at themselves when she was done.They were soaked.

 

"Typical child."Julie said laughing and shaking her hands.She ran her hands through her hair and ran behind Harry the next time Harrietta shot water at them.They got to observe her eat after she got clean and then it was time to say goodbye.She walked up and stroked Harrietta's head and down her trunk.She was so good with people.You could tell she was raised well by them.She gasped when she felt Harrietta's trunk wrap around her waist and pull her closer.She hugged her and rested her head against Harrietta's."I will miss you.I hope I get to see you again soon.Don't grow too fast."She kissed her and then stepped back.

 

Harry smiled and shook Harrietta's trunk goodbye and then watched as they took her towards her enclosure to relax.He took Julie's hand and started walking her out towards the entrance."So, that was quite the goodbye.Looked like a really good hug."Julie nodded but was quiet.She was quiet on the ride back to the hotel as well.He had plans to take her out, but she seemed deep in thought.When they got back to the hotel, they went to their separate rooms to shower.He would see how she was when he was done.He was completely surprised when he walked out of the bathroom and saw her sitting on his bed."Well, hey."

 

"Hi."She said looking up at him.She got up and walked up and stood in front of him."Thank you.So much, for today." She put her hands on his forearms and took a deep breath."I can't believe I got to do that, all because of you."She wiped a stray tear from her cheek."You have no idea how much it means to me."

 

"I think I might."He said smiling down at her."I think I may have loved it just as much as you though."He pulled her tightly to his chest and hugged her."I wanted to see that smile again."He pulled back and looked down at her."And the rosy cheeks, and the happiness in your eyes."He cupped her cheek and ran his thumb over her cheek bone."I'm glad I could."

 

"You did.With all of this.I don't think I could ever thank you enough.Or properly.Or ever give you something even close to what you've given me."She sniffled."Like, I'm so overwhelmed.That's why I was quiet. I didn't even know how to take all of this in."

 

"I know."He smiled at her."It's ok.I was going to take you out to dinner tonight, but afterwards, I just figure, room service and another movie may be a better fit?"

 

"You know me so well."She said taking his hand and leading him towards the bed.She sat down with him and pulled out the room service menu.She looked up at him with a serious look on her face."So, do you, uh, think that room service would bring whipped cream with the strawberries?"She tried not to laugh as Harry just stared at her.She didn't want to break eye contact, but knew his mind went back to the last time they were here.She could almost see the scene playing in his head.

 

Harry was shocked still.He wasn't sure why, but he was.After the waterfall maybe he shouldn't be, but he'd never thought he would hear her say that.Christ, the memories that came flooding back to him.Yeah, the night of the safari.Shit.He felt himself twitch in his shorts.After a few minutes of that night flooding back to him, he shook it off.He had already run through what happened in full.He ripped the menu from her hand and threw it back over his head."Food can wait.And I hope you're up for another shower, because even without the strawberries and whipped cream, you're going to need it."He climbed over her as she scooted back onto the bed away from him."Oh, don't be thinking you can get away."

 

"Hey!I was ordering room service.I happen to like strawberries and cream."She said slowly moving back from him."I'm just hungry."

 

"So, am I."He said to her in his deep husky voice."And I like strawberries and cream, but there's something I like more, much more."He reached for her knees and pulled her back towards him.She was now on her back and him on his knees between her legs."Say no, and I'll stop.But just know, I REALLY don't want to."

 

She looked down at his shorts not hiding what she was looking for."Oh, I would never ask you to stop.But maybe you need to control your snake a little better when we're in South Africa."

 

"Not a chance in hell, sweetheart, not a chance in hell."He leaned down and kissed her."We don't need strawberries and cream.We got all we need right here."


	40. Chapter 40

The next morning, Harry reached over for the dark-haired beauty he'd shared a bed with lately and found an empty, cold bed.  She obviously had been up for a while.  He sighed as he sat up and looked around the room.  Nothing.  He looked over at the adjoining doors, and hers was still open, so he got up and looked in her room, but she wasn't in there either.  Ok, a bit weird.  He never expected her to go out in South Africa alone.  He wondered if she'd run.  Part of him wondered when it would become too much for her to be able to process, but would she really just up and leave South Africa on her own?  Especially when things were going so well.  He tried to put it out of his mind while he took a shower and got dressed.  When she still wasn't back after he was ready, he pulled out his phone to check with James and Scott.  He heard a phone ringing in the hall as his was ringing in his ear.  Then he heard the door to her room opening, so he hung up the phone.  He walked to the adjoining doors and watched her walk in laughing with James who was carrying a few things.

 

"Hey."  Julie said.  James set the few bags he was carrying down.  She set the food bags down she was carrying.  "I got breakfast."  She thanked James who said hello and goodbye to Harry and left.  She pulled a coffee out of the drink carrier.  "And, I got coffee."  She held it out to him.

 

Harry smiled and shook his head at her.  "What time did you get up?"  He took the coffee and then leaned down and kissed her lips.  He wrinkled his eyebrows at her and then licked over his lips.  "You taste like sugar."

 

She covered her face with her hands and then giggled.  "I couldn't wait to eat the donut.  Or whatever that yummy delish thing was that was just like a powered donut.  It was SSSOOOO good and filled with raspberry jelly."

 

He chuckled.  She was so cute when she covered her face.  Like he'd noticed in Jamaica, she seemed to have let things go more. She seemed almost younger, more carefree now, than he'd ever seen her.  "Well, let me see."  He pulled her closer and kissed her deeper sweeping her mouth with his tongue and then pulling back.  "Ahhh, yes, I get the raspberry jelly now."  He let her go when she swatted his chest and walked back towards the bag.  "Well, did you bring me more than just the taste of your lips?"

 

"Yeah, I think there's a couple kale leaves, and like two grapes or something.  Figured that's all you'd be able to eat."  She joked as she pulled a couple of breakfast sandwiches from the bag and a couple more of her donuts.

 

"Ah, I see, doesn't look like kale and grapes to me."  He walked towards her.

 

"Oh, these are all mine.  You wanna keep threatening me with more waterfalls and rocks, I need more padding."  She teased as she handed him his share of the breakfast.

 

"I'm not sure how many times I've said this already, but you really are evil.  Get me thinking about that night again.  I wonder if they have any waterfalls comparable in South Africa.  We should go check them out.  One by one, until we find the right one." He sat on the edge of her bed and took a bite first of the pastry.  "Oh, yeah, ok.  It's really good.  I see what you meant."

 

"We are not traveling all over South Africa to find a favorite waterfall."  She looked over at him and shook her head.  "You need to get a grip, love.  I think I need a little more wining and dining before you get any more of my fruit."

 

Harry let out a booming laugh and threw his head back.  "Seriously, who are you?  If you didn't look exactly the same, I would swear you were a completely different girl."

 

"Well, maybe I'm Jaime, in drag."  She said as she took a bite of her sandwich.  "Would explain a lot, wouldn't it?"

 

Harry choked on the bite he'd just taken of his sandwich and started coughing.  He set his sandwich down and covered his mouth with his fist.  Damn her.  When he finally got control he started laughing.  "Not funny, lucky you have all the right parts in all the right places, or I just might have believed you."

 

"Oh, yeah, guess I didn't think about that."  She said giggling.  "I don't know.  Guess I'm just trying to live life like a 26-year-old.  I've been told it's really not that old, even though you keep telling me it is."

 

"I said it once, as a joke."  He threw a napkin at her.  "So, shut up."  He took another bite and then looked at her.  "So, if we can't go look for waterfalls to play in, what would you like to do for the rest of the day?"

 

She looked up at him and took a deep breath letting it out slowly.  "I know this sounds weird.  But, I just want to stay in.  With you.  Maybe we can have dinner in the hotel restaurant.  Or order room service again."  She started playing with the wrapper on her sandwich.

 

Well, at least some things never changed, he thought to himself.  When she got nervous or embarrassed or wasn't sure what someone was going to think, she played with whatever she had in her hands.  He reached over and stopped her by putting his hand over hers and then holding it.  "That sounds wonderful to me.  Spending time with you is the only thing I care about, no matter what we do." 

 

It was nice she didn't need to go out and spend his money or use his name to get into places.  He even passed on the grand suites in the hotel for the simpler adjoining rooms, for the convenience of having the adjoining rooms, but also because he knew she didn't need the fancy, or even want it.   Her tastes were simple, and he loved that about her.  The rooms were still nice; they just weren't what he normally stayed in.  They were one room which included a tv and couch, a couple of chairs, and a table and the bed.

 

"Yeah?"  She asked smiling at him.  She bit her bottom lip and looked down and then looked back up at him.  "Sorry, I'm so boring."

 

"You're not boring, love."  He leaned over and kissed her.  "Plus, here I can do that whenever I want, and I can wrap my arms around you whenever I want, and I can lie in bed with you whenever I want."

 

"Well, not whenever you want.  I have to be willing, too.  I'm going to have to tell those people in Jamaica to stop letting you be the boss, because then you're just too bossy all around."  She shook her head at him.  "You can't tell me what to do."

 

"I wouldn't dare try, love."  He laughed and finished his sandwich.  "Are you going to stick your tongue out at me, too?"  He laughed when she did.  "I have no idea how I ever thought I could get over your sassy ass."

 

"Maybe you should have tried harder."  She said finishing her sandwich and digging into her donut.

 

He looked up at her when she said that.  He had tried, really hard.  He had messed up in the way he went about doing it.  He was going to say something about it, but then he started laughing because she had sugar all over her lips.  He got up on his knees on the bed and crawled towards her.  He grabbed her arm when she tried to back away from him and almost fell off the bed.  He pulled her back towards him and when their lips were only centimeters apart, he licked over his.  "The sugar tastes even better, when it's been in contact with your lips."  He watched her lick over her lips lightly and then caught her lips with his.  When he pulled back he sucked lightly on her bottom lip.  He smirked at her as he said, "Yep, heaven."

 

Julie shivered when he pulled back from his kiss.  Damn these feelings.  She shook her head, opened her eyes, and pushed him over so he fell back on the bed.  "See, just think you can take whenever you want."  She leaned her back against his stomach as he lay on his side on her bed.

 

He playfully grabbed her hair and pulled her lips down to him.  "Yep, especially when it's as irresistible as those lips."  He kissed her again and then let her sit up to finish her pastry.  He looked at her face.  "Ok, don't get mad, but can we talk a little bit more about what we talked about at the sanctuary?"

 

"About you beating the snot out of my ex?"  She asked setting the last bit of her pastry in the wrapper.  She'd kind of lost her appetite.

 

"Well, I think that's obvious."  He watched her sit forward and throw the bit into the bag.  She brushed her hands off, and he pulled her back to him so she was resting against his stomach again.  "About your dog."

 

"Harry, you would think that telling you someone beat me for two years was the hardest thing to tell you.  But, out of that, this is the hardest for me.  And maybe it seems silly to everyone else.  But she was the only thing I had that I loved, and that I knew loved me.  Losing her was probably the hardest thing I had ever gone through."  She stated quietly looking down at her hands.  "Until I lost you."

 

Son of a bitch.  Why hadn't he thought harder at how she would feel, when he broke her heart?  Was he even thinking at all?  This was the second time in less than 24hours she'd hit him right in the heart without even really trying.  Just by being open and telling him the truth.  "Julie, you're killing me right now."  He sprawled onto his back and groaned.  He looked at her when she curled herself up, hugging her knees tightly.  He quickly sat up and leaned against the head board; pulling her to him and wrapping her tightly in his arms.  "Don't do that, babe."  He whispered leaning his head against hers.  "I'm sorry."  She was so quiet, even her body was silent.  She wrapped the wall around herself when she wrapped her arms around her physical body.  Which meant she was hurting, and she didn't know what to do about it.

 

Harry closed his eyes and just held her for a while.  But the silence and the stillness were killing him.  "Julie.  Please."  He put his hands on her shoulders and moved her away from him a little.  "Babe, please, I just meant that you're..."  Damn it.  He moved his hands from her shoulders and cupped her cheeks looking into her face.  "I never meant to hurt you like that."  He tried to get her to look him in the eyes, but she wouldn't lift hers.  He just kept searching her face, which seemed blank for the first time, in a very long time.  "I'm so sorry."  He ran his thumbs over her cheeks and rested his forehead against hers.  "So, so, sorry."  The tears started to drip from his eyes.  God, he was an ass.

 

Before he knew it, he felt small hands on his cheeks and opened his eyes to hers on his face.  He engulfed his hands over hers and closed his eyes again.  He took one of her hands and kissed her palm.  "Please, please don't push me away because I couldn't come up with the right things to say."  He looked at her when she hadn't said anything.  "Julie, please."  He could tell she was struggling not to just suppress.  "You want to yell at me, then do it.  Just, don't shut down."

 

Julie sighed quietly and then took a shaky breath.  She didn't want to hurt him, but thinking about her beloved dog, Lady, and how it had felt when Lady had been ripped away from her.  How she'd lost her so suddenly.  Then fast forwarding to him leaving her so unexpected also.  All the feelings were so hard to deal with.  "I don't want to hurt you.  But those two moments in my life were just about as equally painful.  And remembering both of them together.  I felt like the world was ripped out from under me both times."  She didn't want to cry.  If she cried now, she wasn't sure she could stop.  "You want me to talk about it, and I don't want to remember it."

 

Harry watched her sit back on her heels.  He felt her pulling back emotionally.  He should have known better.  He knew she wanted him to go right now.  He felt it.  Fuck.  He should have known better than to tempt fate a second time in less than 24 hours.  When he tried to reach for her hands and she made a subtle move to pull them closer into herself, he knew it best to just give up for the moment.  He slowly got off the bed and looked at her sitting on her heels in the middle of the bed.  "I'll leave you for a while.  But I really don't want to.  I'm still waiting for that day when you come to me instead of needing your time alone.  But I realize this time around, it may be too soon for that."  He walked to the adjoining doors.  "I'm going to shut yours, but mine will be open.  Come see me when you're ready."  He sighed when she still hadn't moved.  Why did he ask?  He shouldn't have asked.

 

Harry wrote in his journal for a while, trying to think of some song ideas for the album.  He kept glancing at the door, but hers stayed shut.  When he couldn't concentrate enough, he got up and walked out onto the balcony and enjoyed some fresh air for a while.  Well, enjoyed it the best he could.  When that no longer occupied his mind, he went and got his guitar out of the case and sat down on the floor and started strumming some music.  He started singing Stockholm Syndrome.  He knew it was one of Julie's favorite songs, and he'd just so happened to write it.  Right after he got to the first chorus, he saw the door open and her step into the room quietly.  He didn't stop singing; he just glanced at her and then continued.  He could see her coming closer to him slowly.  He wrote this song long before he knew her, but she made him feel that way.  He looked up at her standing in front of him while he sang:

 

All my life I've been on my own

I use a light to guide me home

But now together we're alone

And there's no other place I'd ever wanna go

 

He finished out the song and moved the guitar when she kneeled in front of him.  As soon as the guitar was out of the way, she climbed into his lap.  He brought the guitar in front of her when she was settled.  He took her hand and put it on the strings and then helped her strum the guitar a few times.  He closed his eyes as the smell of her green apple shampoo invaded his nose in full force.  Her hair was so close.  She smelled so good, so familiar.  So....safe.  He now knew what she meant when she said that about his hoodie.

 

"Sing some more for me."  Julie whispered.  She was struggling with the sadness that she felt deep down bringing up both of those memories at once.  But ever since he'd walked out of her room, she had felt even more dread.  She wasn't sure how to deal with any of it.  When he started playing his guitar and singing, the pull was just too much to avoid.  She moved her hand so he could strum around her.  It was a good thing he had long arms.  They were wrapped around her, still holding the guitar.  She leaned back into him to give him room to play and closed her eyes when she heard a familiar song coming from him.

 

If I could fly

I'd be coming right back home to you

I think I might

Give up everything just ask me to

Pay attention, I hope that you listen

Cause I've let my guard down

Right now I'm completely defenseless

 

She went right back to the first time she'd heard that song.  Not long after he'd written it.  God, she hated all of this.  All the.....feelings.  How could you get them to stop??  She sat in his lap in silence as he quietly sang this song in her ear.  She took a deep shaky breath as he finished.  She could hear the emotion lacing his voice as he sang the last line.  She felt his face buried into her hair.  "Always, so beautiful.  My two favorite songs."

 

Harry smiled gently into her hair and then put the guitar aside wrapping his arms around her.  "I know.  Gotta admit, they may now be two of my favorites.  Thank you for coming to me."

 

"I don't like going back there and feeling all of those feelings again.  They hurt so much.  Worse than anything else I've ever felt.  I've accepted most feelings.  I've accepted anger and happiness, melancholy and even sadness, to a point.  But those moments, those memories overwhelm my senses so much.  And it hurts so much that I can physically feel it.  And them coming up together.  I just, I can't, I couldn't..."  She tried to explain.

 

"Shhhh..."  He said to her nuzzling her neck.  "I get it, it's ok.  I'm sorry I brought it up."

 

"You just wanted to know why I never got another dog."  She said quietly to him looking down at their hands.  He had picked hers up and held them as his arms remained around her.

 

Harry shook his head slowly and chuckled.  "Yeah, how did you know?"

 

"Would have been my first question."  She said.  She started playing with his fingers.  A habit that seemed just as natural as it did when they were together.  "I didn't want to feel that way again, ever."  She said simply.  "It's the reason why I never accepted anything that close to me again.  Figured if something so simple that I loved so much could be taken from me that easily, I never wanted to let it happen again.  First while I was still with Johnny, and then after I left, I didn't want something I loved to be used against me anymore.  So, if I just didn't love, I couldn't be hurt.  But then I found another love that I felt was reciprocated.  But I pushed it aside, because I knew, I knew that it would be a hurt I couldn't even begin to know how to handle if it got taken from me."

 

"And then, that's exactly what I did."  He said.  He wasn't sure he could dislike himself any more than the day he'd realized what he did.  But he was pretty sure right now was the worst he'd ever felt.

 

"Yes and no."  She said.  She moved so she could look at his face.  "I have no doubt that, even if unintentionally, I sabotaged myself.  I thought I had things under control, but I had nothing under control.  I was so afraid of letting that last little part of me go, letting someone in to that last little part that I had for myself, that I just pushed you away more.  Even if I didn't know it at the time."  She twisted her lips and tried to push the tears back from her eyes.  "I loved you so much that I thought I failed in protecting myself.  I was so mad at myself for letting you in enough to hurt me like that."

 

"You can't be blaming yourself for my decision."  He looked at her face, and her eyes that had dropped back to their hands.  "You do blame yourself.  Well, isn't it you that said it earlier that it was the both of us?  If we could have both accepted what was happening, and not questioned why, or how, or thought it was too soon."

 

"Maybe it was too soon."  She said shrugging and shaking her head.  "Maybe it would have been best if we would have let it progress slower.  Maybe things wouldn't have turned out the way they did."

 

"Maybe, but maybe they wouldn't have become anything.  And I won't regret us.  Not together.  Not ever."  He said lifting her chin and turning her sideways in his lap.  "I can't regret us."

 

"I know."  She sighed.  "Hurt will never be something that I'm going to take well.  Whether it's from the past, or present, or in the future.  I still don't know how to deal with it."

 

"Let someone help.  Let me help.  When you're hurt, let me in.  Don't push me out.  Or let Amanda in.  Let someone be there for you and hold you through the pain.  Sometimes it's only temporary."  He took her hands again and rubbed his thumbs over the tops of them.

 

"None of what I feel, feels temporary, Harry.  And I want to let it go.  I want to forgive Johnny for deciding to take away my first love, and I want to forgive you for running away with the next.  But then it hits me, and I just want to run away and hide."  She took a deep breath but couldn't help the tears this time.  "To think you could make me feel that way again is the scariest thought I've ever had."

 

"Never like that again, Julie.  Never.  We will decide together what's best for us.  No matter what we have going forward."  He picked up her hands and kissed them both.  "You've enjoyed your time here, and in Jamaica before, right?"  He watched her nod her head yes.  He knew if he let her go back to LA now that she would leave with this feeling.  This doubt.  They wouldn't stand a chance if that's how it happened.  "Let me show you that we can continue in that direction.  Julie, come back to Jamaica with me for a couple of days.  When we leave here tomorrow don't go to LA.  Get on the plane to Jamaica with me."

 

Thank you all so much for reading! It means so much to me!  Please feel free to leave any feedback! It really means a lot!


	41. Chapter 41

Harry watched Julie sprawled out in the chair across the room.She was leaning against one arm and had her legs draped over the other, notebook resting on her legs writing.He took a deep breath.It was almost dinner time, and she still hadn't answered him about Jamaica.Well, she initially did.She told him that she couldn't accept it.That, as always, it was too much.He'd convinced her to at least think about it.This part of her stubborn he could learn to live without.He had just hung up the phone from room service, so he got up walked in front of her, took the book and then leaned down over her, hands on each side of her shoulders."Do you have an answer for me yet?"

 

Julie shook her head when he took her book."How many times are you going to ask me?I already gave you an answer, and you didn't like it."

 

"I know. I'm just going to continue to pester you until you agree to come."He kissed her nose and pushed himself up.He grabbed her off the chair and spun around and sat down with her now on his lap."I think it's a good idea.We've had a great few days.I don't want it to end yet.Plus, if you go back to LA now, you know you're going to question all of this.I need more time to convince you it's a good idea."

 

"You can't convince me, Harry.I have to make the decision for myself.And being away in paradise, it will be much easier than back in the real world.I know that."She looked at his face."Why must you push?"

 

He tilted his head and looked at her."I've needed this time, just as much as you have.One thing that's never changed is the fact that you don't think I have truly missed you.All of you, not just sex, not just your face.But your heart, your sassiness, and your intelligence.I've missed the way you calm me just by being with me.I miss the way it feels holding you in my arms and knowing it helps you."

 

She laid her head on his shoulder and sighed."Why do you have to do that?"

 

"What?Tell the truth?"He put his hand in her hair.

 

"You know we have to go back to the real world eventually.It's not like we can pretend nothing else exists forever."She said picking her head up."You know that eventually I'm not going to be able to push everything else away."

 

"I know.So, just come back with me for a couple of more days.That's it.Whenever you're ready to leave, I will make sure you get home."He searched her eyes and could see her start to cave a little.

 

"But you've got a lot of work to do, and you've already taken a few days to bring me here, which puts you behind."She said to him."I don't need to be a distraction."

 

"Just think about all that time you can be writing while I'm working on the album.Think about all that alone time and beautiful scenery helping with your creativity."He implored.He knew that part of it would be exactly what she would want.

 

"Oh, now you're just playing dirty."She said as she pushed her fingers onto his forehead."Alright, Harry, if you put it that way, I'd love another all-expenses paid trip to paradise."

 

"One thing I wish you would stop worrying about is the money.I know you'll never get used to people wanting to do things for you when they can, but you should."He looked up at her face.

 

"Let's not talk about money."She said getting off his lap.

 

"No.Not a chance."He said catching her waist and pulling her back to him."You don't get to walk away. I will change your plane ticket for LA to Jamaica and then send you back to LA from Jamaica.It won't be that much.But, you're not gonna just walk away."

 

She scrunched her nose up at him."I am.Because I'm going to use the bathroom.And that, you can't stop me from doing."She stuck her tongue out at him and then got up barely escaping the slap to her ass he tried to accomplish.

 

"You are really kind of a pain in my ass."He said shaking his head.

 

"So, why would you even want me to come to Jamaica?"She asked walking away."I mean I'm so much of a pain, you'll just try to blame your inability to complete your album on me."

 

"Shut up.Hurry up and come back to me.I need my pain in the ass."He got up and went to the mini bar.A couple of drinks wouldn't hurt.And he'd better call and have them change her ticket to Jamaica before she changed her mind.He called Jeff and arranged for him to change Julie's ticket.Harry got a little resistance to her coming back, but he wasn't going to listen to it.He could do both.He wouldn't be working on the album 24/7, and Julie actually liked to spend time alone.He wouldn't have to worry about keeping her occupied all the time.This would be one time her petulance for independence would be a good thing.Sometimes, it drove him crazy though.Some people, including Jeff, thought he was a little bit crazy for trying so hard, again, to convince her.But he wanted her, so there was no such thing as trying too hard in his mind.Especially now when she didn't seem completely closed off to a reconciliation and had already come around more than he'd expected.

 

"Penny for your thoughts?"Julie said as she walked back into his room.He had his phone in his hand and was looking down at two drinks."I'd offer more, but it's really about all I could afford right now."She joked walking over to him."Although I probably could dig around the couch cushions to find some more."

 

Harry shook his head.He set his phone down and handed her the drink he'd made for her and took his."Always a smart remark."He took her hand and led her over to the couch where he sat down with her.

 

"Trying to get me drunk?"She asked with raised eyebrows."What do you expect to accomplish with that?"She added taking a sip of the drink in her hand.

 

"First, I'll give you my thoughts for free; believe it or not, I like talking to you.And second, I'm not trying to get you drunk.I thought a couple drinks would be a nice way to unwind.I don't need you drunk to get you where I want you.And third, I called and had Jeff change your ticket to Jamaica, so you are now officially mine for the next couple of days."

 

"Bossy.I'm telling you."She took another drink and set it on the table.She was just about to say something when her phone rang.She reached behind her to the table and looked at the caller id.She thought about not answering it, but it probably would have been worse if she didn't.She answered the call."Hey, Marcus."She looked at Harry who groaned and slouched down onto the couch."Yeah, I'm still in South Africa."

 

Harry groaned and pouted.He knew he was doing it, but he didn't care.Marcus would have to call right now.He could only hear her side of the conversation, but it was more than enough to annoy him.He closed his eyes and leaned his head back on the couch.He heard her say, "Yes, we are leaving here tomorrow."Then there was a pause."Oh, well, I won't be back in LA for a few more days."Another pause, "Yes, he's taking me back to Jamaica for a bit of relaxation and writing."A longer pause."I agree. We should talk when I get back to LA.I will call you then."He didn't hear anything for a while and then opened his eyes when he felt her climb onto his lap and straddle him.

 

"You're really pouting."She said settling into his lap.She shook her head when she felt his hands go to her waist."Really?"

 

"Well, you're taking the call of another guy when you're here, in another country, in a hotel room with me."He looked at her."Of course, I'm pouting."

 

She shook her head and looked at him."And if I would have ignored it?"She looked at him inquisitively."What would you have thought then?"

 

He looked at her and thought about it for a while."That you had something to hide."He started to chuckle."Ok, fine, you have a point.But I'm still pouting.Especially since it got you on my lap."He tickled her sides lightly, but not too much because he didn't want her to get off."So, what do you two need to talk about when you get back to LA?"

 

She put a hand on each side of his neck and looked into his eyes."None of your business."She kissed his nose and then went to get off his lap, but he held her in place."Harry."She protested.

 

"Come on, I need to know about my competition."He didn't want to tell her about him and Niall's conversation on her birthday.

 

"He's not, I don't know, Harry."She said settling back down but looking over his shoulder."He's been a great guy to me.He's kind, caring, supportive.He's always been a true gentleman and never pushed anything on me.But he never seemed all that interested in more than what we had.Which was pretty much a friendship.After my birthday party and right before I came to Jamaica, he seemed a bit more interested.He wanted to go out more, spend some time at his place.He just asked, well, he wants to take me to a family wedding."

 

Harry gently moved her off his lap and set her on the couch.He stood up and took his glass back to the mini bar.He finished his glass off and made himself another drink.He'd started this, and he wanted her to tell him the truth.But it's not exactly what he wanted to hear."So, are you going with him?"

 

She watched Harry as he walked to the mini bar and kept his back towards her as he asked if she was going."I didn't really tell him an answer."She watched him lean on his hands and his back muscles tense."It seems a little strange that he's asking now.I think maybe he realized at my birthday party that you were serious about getting back together.I told him we'd talk when I got back to LA."

 

"You couldn't have just told him no?"He asked turning around and looking at her.He realized they hadn't committed to each other.He understood she was still torn about giving into him completely.But he was hopeful that Marcus was out of the picture.

 

"Harry, I don't know.I could have.Seems a bit cold.Like it or not, he's been good to me, and I like Marcus.I'd rather talk to him in person.I don't know what he's thinking.Maybe it is just a friend's thing."She said to him.She sighed.Always something.Would there eventually come a time where everything wasn't so damn complicated?

 

"So, you're going to tell him you won't go?"He leaned back against the bar with his back and crossed his arms."Come on, Julie, a family wedding, and the guy wants you to go as friends?Even you can't be that naive.He obviously realizes what he's losing.It's time for him to make his move."

 

"Do you have to be an ass?Seriously?"She said standing up."I told you the truth.And that's how it is.No matter how cranky you get, no matter how much of an ass you are, it's not going to change the truth.What I tell him will be done in person.I will have a discussion with him.Just because you don't like it, doesn't mean it's going to change.He's a good person, Harry.Just because you decided to walk back into my life doesn't change that fact.I'm honestly sorry if you take it to heart and if it hurts you, but it's how it is."She crossed her arms and stared at him.When he didn't move, she shook her head and turned on her heel and walked into her room.Maybe she shouldn't have answered the damn call.She flopped down on her bed and stared at the ceiling.She was TRYING to work her life out.No one seemed to get that.Maybe she shouldn't have been so open with Harry since she arrived in Jamaica.Seemed he now had expectations even though she had told him he shouldn't yet.

 

Harry picked up his drink and drank it all at once.He slammed the glass back onto the table.Why did he have to call now?Why did she have to answer?And why did she have to tell him that Marcus wanted her more now.If he wasn't into her before, why now after he saw the way they were together at her party?Fuck!He made himself another drink and then looked at the adjoining doors.She had been honest with him.She had told him she wasn't ready for exclusivity.He sat down on the bed and rubbed his face.And his jealousy was getting the best of him, again.He was doing a perfect job of pushing her away.He should do a better job of remembering it was his fault that they were in this place.Worrying about if she was going to choose another man over him.He took his drink and dumped it down the sink and walked into her room.

 

Julie heard the door open and just continued to stare at the ceiling.She knew he was standing at the doorway, but he still hadn't said anything."What, Harry?"She shook her head."Have more to say about my decision making?"

 

"I can't help it.I'm jealous as hell.Whether I tell myself that I have to accept it or not, I'm jealous.I've always been jealous."He said taking a few steps into the room.

 

"Yeah, always.Most of the time over nothing."She said still not looking at him.

 

"Is it over nothing this time?You tell me right now that you have no intention of seeing Marcus for anything more than this conversation, and I will admit I was wrong and that I shouldn't be jealous of anything."He stopped just shy of the bed.He knew she wouldn't say it.She wouldn't even say it if it was true at this point, because he pissed her off.

 

"I'm not telling you that.But now, I think...."She started to say but was interrupted.

 

"No!"Harry said loudly almost startling himself."Don't you dare say you shouldn't come to Jamaica now.Your ticket is already changed, and you won't let a little disagreement do this."

 

"A little disagreement?Reacting the way you just did to knowing I'm going to talk to Marcus is NOT just a little disagreement.What are you going to wonder the whole time I'm in Jamaica now?"She said sitting up and looking at him."I'm sorry, really sorry, that I can't give you exactly what you want right now.I'm TRYING to, I just, I don't even know.Maybe giving in to you was a mistake."

 

"Don't say that.Please."He said quietly.

 

"Why not?Because now that I have, you expect me to just forget about everything else and be with you again, without questioning anything.And I CAN'T do that.I'm scared!I want everything to feel right, Harry.And it does, sometimes, maybe even most of the time, but not completely.And I wish you could just understand that."She rubbed her face.

 

"I do."He sat beside her."I do understand that.But you have to understand that I don't want to see you with anyone else.Or think you could possibly be with someone else.And even more so now that we've had this time together."

 

"Which is exactly my point, as to why I shouldn't have given in to you."She sighed."You asked for another chance, and I'm going against everything my head is telling me and trying to follow my heart.My heart which has always been with you.And that freaks me out.A lot.I just think I need to go back to LA and deal with this."

 

"No, please.Don't, just."He groaned and fell back on her bed and put his arm over his face."I don't even know what to say right now.Because I can't help the way I feel either.I don't want you with him, and I don't know how to change that."

 

"And I can't just tell you that it's going to be you and me against the world again.And I don't know how to change that."She said looking over at him."I don't know if we're ever going to figure this out.One minute we're seemingly perfect together, and not two seconds later we're like this.Not seeming to understand the other at all.How do you make that work?"

 

"You keep working at it."He said removing his arm from his face."Don't do this.Please."He sat up and looked at her."Don't you completely give up on us because we don't understand every little bit right away.I deserve at least a chance after what we've been through the past few days.And even before that.When we were still in LA, we were getting on better and better.We've been working our way here.And things won't be perfect overnight.Or in a few days or weeks even.If I've learned anything from being with you, it's that all of this is a ton of work.And running away from each other isn't going to solve anything.Because I promise you if I agreed and we went our separate ways, in a few days, or a few weeks, I'd be wondering why I didn't fight harder for you."

 

"Are you done with your speech now?"She said standing up.She was having a hard time not crying."All of this over a conversation I was going to have with someone I never even slept with."

 

"This has nothing to do with whether or not you slept with him.Giving him more of you emotionally is what I'm most concerned about."He looked at her starting to pace."Are you using him as an excuse to not be with me?"

 

She stopped and stared at him."How dare you accuse me of using someone just to get...." She trailed off.Damn it.She'd done it before.That's what she had doing with Daniel.Was she doing it again with Marcus?Holding onto him because he was good to her, because he was safe, and because she couldn't truly ever give her heart to him."I don't know."Fuck Harry for pointing that out."Maybe.I'm so back and forth with this.With you and me together, with letting you back in.When I'm with you, and only you, then things seem great.But as soon as I start to think outside of this majestic little vacation, I start wondering what I'm doing.And all I keep going back to is I'm scared.I'm so scared of my heart hurting the way it did last time."Who the hell was she kidding?"The way it still hurts every day."

 

Harry watched her cross her arms tightly over her chest.Well, there she went.Back to her little turtle shell.Pulling herself back in, not only emotionally but even physically.Protecting her heart with everything she knew and everything she had."I'm sorry, that you've gone through so much.I understand this isn't just me, but it's your complete past."He stood up and walked up to her and pulled on her arms.Jesus, she was strong when she needed to be, but he wouldn't give up.He pulled again and then shook them out for her when he finally got them loose."But, you need to realize that loosening up is the only way to feel things out.You keep boxing yourself up like that and you will never know what you could have.Or what the right decision will be."

 

"Harry."Julie's voice cracked as she said it.She'd held herself together pretty well for a while now.She hadn't cried.She hadn't freaked out over too much.But right now, she was losing it.She couldn't even fight the tears anymore."I can't do this."

 

"You can.And you will."He kept her hands even though she started to pull away."You are so much stronger than you know.I've said that before, Niall's said that before, Amanda's said that before.And I'll continue to say it.You have to start to believe it."He turned her around and gently pushed her back onto the bed."I'm sorry I tried to push an answer on you before.I'm sorry I tried to get you to basically agree to be with me exclusively."He climbed in next to her and pulled her to him."It's what I want; it's what I will always want.But I shouldn't have pushed you.I told you I'd let you decide if and when you were ready, and I still mean it."

 

Harry looked down at her face when she hadn't said anything.The tears were streaming down her cheeks and he felt her shoulders start to shake."We will stay and fight through everything together.Don't run from me.This will take some time.And a lot of patience, and even more understanding.I'm going to forever be jealous of any other person that gets a piece of you."He closed his eyes when her body continued to shake while she cried on his shoulder."Just sleep on it, ok?If you want to go back to LA in the morning, I will make it happen.But just know, I still want you in Jamaica with me."He felt her start to relax a little but could tell she was still crying.Instinctively, he started singing.It was a song he had written a while ago, but it still held the same emotions for him.

 

Same lips red, same eyes blue

Same white shirt, couple more tattoos

But it's not you and it's not me

Tastes so sweet, looks so real

Sounds like something that I used to feel

But I can't touch what I see

 


	42. Chapter 42

Harry looked at the empty seat next to him on the airplane.  He was about halfway back to Jamaica.  Last night had been rough.  After their little disagreement, or argument, or whatever you called it, they'd eaten dinner.  Well, he'd eaten some, while she stared at hers and pushed it around her plate.  Pushing her was not the smartest thing he'd ever done.  Even though he showed what he felt, it maybe hadn't been the right time.  She definitely was more guarded for the rest of the night, and this morning before they got to the airport.  She was deep in her head.  He laid his head back against his seat and sighed.  She wasn't any less complicated.  He just wished he would have remembered that even though she'd moved further away from her past it still was constantly with her.

 

He looked up when she came back to her seat from the bathroom and sat next to him rebuckling her seat belt.  He was surprised that she had agreed to come to Jamaica with him.  He thought for sure she would have insisted on a plane ticket back to LA.  She was still quiet, but hey, she'd agreed.  He handed her back her drink when she got settled.  "They are going to bring lunch around in a bit."

 

Julie took her drink from Harry and set it back on her tray.  This first-class thing was something she could get used to.  More room, more comfort, less chaos.  "Thank you.  I am sort of hungry."  She took a drink and looked at him.  "Those bathrooms are SO small.  I hate them.  Next long flight I take I'm not drinking a thing.  I don't want to have to go in there."

 

"You know, I'm going to have to make a list for all your phobias."  Harry smiled and took a drink.  "I guess as long as we're not in a teeny airplane, where there's nothing surrounding you, with a ton of spiders we might be ok."  Harry barely moved his drink out of the way before she caught him with a backhand across the chest.  "Ouch!  I thought you were against violence."

 

"Well, I am.  Except when you mention everything I'm afraid of in one sentence making fun of me.  And I swear to you if I see a spider on this airplane, I will hurt you."  She said leaning back against her chair.

 

"You realize you're going to a tropical island where insects and bugs, and spiders are plentiful, right?"  He said looking over at her.  He swore he saw her face turn pale.

 

"Well, I didn't really think about that before right now.  Thank you very much.  I wanna go home now."  She said.  "Damn you, Harry."

 

"I got you to agree to come, and they aren't going to turn the plane around.  I will save you, I promise."  He took her hand and watched to see her reaction.  She didn't stop him so he laced his fingers with hers.

 

"Well, if you would have brought up creepy crawlies before.  I would have not agreed.  At all."  She said shivering.

 

"Well, there are snakes, too.  You aren't afraid of them."  He couldn't help but just look at her face.  Her eyes were closed, and she had her head back against the seat.  He knew this wouldn't be easy, but he was wondering when they could go more than a day or two without something coming up to make things harder.

 

"Oh, I've started disliking snakes more and more since just after New Year's."  She said without opening her eyes.

 

"What?"  He asked confused.  "New Year's?"  He had to think about it.  "Oh."

 

"Yeah, oh."  She said.  Kendall and a yacht and a beautiful ocean.  Long legs, barely there bikini and his hands on her.  Why was he so keen on this tropical destination?  She turned her head and opened her eyes looking at him.  "Don't think I don't know how hard it is to see someone you love with someone else."

 

"Yeah, that's completely in the past."  He said looking at her.  "Julie, you know."

 

She sighed.  "Yeah, I do.  Sorry, I shouldn't have brought it up.  Seems I can't forget a lot about my past."  She shook her head.  "Ok, I'm going to TRY, not to be so bitchy for the rest of the vacation."

 

Harry laughed.  "Ok, I wouldn't say bitchy, but easing up a little would be nice."

 

"Yeah, yeah, don't push your luck."  She looked him in the eyes for a couple of moments and then leaned over and kissed his lips.  "We're never going to get this right.  But I guess if I'm going to fight nonstop with someone, it might as well be you."

 

Harry was pleasantly surprised at the kiss and then laughed at her.  "Well, thanks for that display of confidence in us."  He let go of her hand when lunch came.  At least things were now a little less tense.  He could see that she was still leery.  Still a bit closed off, but trying.  They both were trying.  At least that was a good thing.

 

When they landed in Jamaica, James and Scott drove them back to the Villa.  Harry's team was waiting for him to get straight to work.  No down time for him.  Julie welcomed the quiet time.  She took her bag to her room and set it down and climbed on the bed.  She pulled out her phone and had to think about the time difference between Jamaica and Ireland.  Amanda and Niall should still be there for another day or two.  They were getting married in Ireland in the spring, and Niall was brave enough to let Amanda loose to figure out some wedding details while they were there.  Julie chuckled. She was almost glad Harry had planned this, because otherwise she had a feeling she would be in Ireland trying to keep up with Amanda.

 

Julie scrolled through to Amanda's name and hit call.  She really needed to talk to her friend.  If she thought she was confused before, she was even more confused now.  When Amanda answered, she sighed in relief.  "Hey, Panda.  Just called to see how the wedding planning was going."

 

"Hey, JJ.  You know, I could really use you.  Think you can hop a plan to Ireland on your way back from South Africa?"  Amanda asked laughing.

 

"Uh, well, we left South Africa this morning.  I'm, uh, back in Jamaica."  Julie said.

 

"Wait.  What?  You're in Jamaica, again?"  Amanda asked surprised.

 

"Yeah, part of what I wanted to talk to you about.  But I do want to hear about the wedding first.  Have we narrowed down anything yet?"  Julie asked stretching out her legs.

 

"Well, yes.  We have set the date for March 11, 2017 and the place, which is Castle Durrow.  JJ, you should see this place.  It's truly like a castle.  I know Niall calls me Princess, but getting married here...it's going to seem like I really am one for the day.  I've been setting up meetings with the florists, and the bakery for the cake.  It just seems so real now that we have a date set."

 

"What did you think, Panda?  That it was all a joke?"  Julie laughed.  "I knew this day would come from pretty much the moment he walked into the room with us at the first concert we went to in LA.  There was no denying it then.  You both were meant for each other.  Who else, besides Niall, would totally get your crazy?"

 

"Well, you.  But we said we would wait until we were 30 and single before we got married."  Amanda joked, recalling a conversation they had just prior to meeting Niall and Harry.

 

"Well, guess I better look for someone else to make that deal with."  Julie said.

 

"Please, there's no way you need that."  Amanda said.

 

"Ok, tell me more about the wedding details first.  Then we'll get into my crazy.  I need some happy first."  Julie pleaded with Amanda.

 

"Ok, but I don't like that sound of that."  Amanda said concerned.

 

"It's not that big of a deal.  Just speak.  I know you're dying to give me more details."  Julie said.  She listened for about an hour to every single detail Amanda had planned during the short time Niall and Amanda had been in Ireland.  "Well, you sure kept yourself busy.  How's the groom doing?"

 

Amanda laughed.  "He's being Niall.  Can tell he thinks I'm crazy as sin, but sweet and supportive as ever.  Pretty much whatever I want I get.  I'm tempted to test him and show him something completely crazy and obnoxious just to see if he lets me have it or not."

 

"He would.  And he would probably think that's just my crazy, over the top, completely colorful fiancé."  Julie laughed.

 

"True.  And he wouldn't be wrong."  Amanda laughed.  "Ok, we got through every boring detail of my wedding plans.  Now, what's wrong?  And how did you end up back in Jamaica?"

 

"Well, Harry asked me to come back."  Julie said simply.

 

"Well, duh, further details, please."  Amanda rolled her eyes glad JJ couldn't see her through the phone.  Thank goodness JJ hadn't decided to FaceTime her.

 

"We've had so many ups and downs.  This has been the craziest few days I think I have ever been a part of.  We go from sleeping together behind a water fall, to getting in way too deep about my past and my insecurities again, to doing ok, to arguing about Marcus."

 

"Marcus?  Why were you arguing about Marcus?"  Amanda queried.

 

"He called yesterday.  He wanted to talk. He wanted to get together.  Asked me to go to his cousin's wedding with him next month."  Julie sighed.  "Seems, since my birthday, he's been trying harder to be more a part of my life."

 

"Of course, because the whole place could see the chemistry between you and Harry, including Marcus."  Amanda sighed.  "Look, JJ, Marcus is a great guy.  I've never seen anyone treat you any better.  I mean, if you never want to lift another finger, he'd be the one to go with.  But you just aren't you when you're with him."

 

"What's that mean?  I don't know why everyone seems to have issues with him."  Julie shook her head.  Marcus never made any fuss, never caused any trouble.  Never argued or really even disagreed with her.  He wanted her happy.

 

"JJ.  It's not that I have issues with him.  He's a good guy.  But, you lose any type of spunk you have with him.  You take on his overly polite, unpassionate personality."  Amanda explained.

 

"That's mean, Panda.  How can you be overly polite?"  Julie asked frustrated.

 

"Ok, you know what I mean.  He's TOO nice, TOO kind, TOO sweet and TOO attentive.  There is such a thing as being TOO much of those things."  Amanda explained, exasperated.

 

"I'm not sure I know what you mean.  I like that he is nice, kind, sweet and attentive.  And don't forget he's also loyal.  Is he TOO loyal, too?  He's exactly the perfect guy.  No conflict, no issues, no problems.  With all the problems and issues that I've had with guys, don't you think that's exactly what I need?  Calm and steady?  Unproblematic?"  Julie knew this wasn't at all what she wanted, but her logical mind thought it was EXACTLY what she needed.  She knew she had a little bit of a tone with Amanda, and she wasn't exactly sure why she was trying to defend a relationship with Marcus when she wasn't even really in one with him, but it seemed logical.

 

"Are you fucking crazy?  Do you really want that?  Don't you think you'd get bored with him?"  Amanda retaliated.  "He doesn't show his passion, his feelings. Hell, I wonder if he even has any emotions."  And then it hit Amanda.  He was JJ, in male form.  He played it safe; he didn't allow feelings to overcome him.  He kept away from the confrontation and the disagreements.  She now understood.  JJ was connected to the familiarity.  The comfort of not having to deal with those deep feelings.

 

"Yeah, well maybe I am crazy.  I'm starting to believe that I am.  And I didn't say I wanted it. I said I might need it.  Maybe I will be bored, but it would be so easy.  No fights, no stress, no ups and downs, just steady and calm.  My head tells me that's exactly what I need."  Julie advised calmly.  She realized what it was.  It's how she dealt with her life prior to Harry.  It was something she had been leaning back towards over the past year or so.

 

"Shit.  JJ.  First, I don't think you're crazy.  I think you are confused.  Your mind is fighting with your heart.  You know and I know, and honestly, everyone that knows you knows you are in love with Harry.  Hell, Marcus knows.  Why do you think he's stepping up his game?  He sees that you've already got one foot out the door and following behind it with the other quickly.  You need to be honest with yourself first and then be honest with Marcus.  Second, I know you were saying what you needed, but I want to know what you want.  I think what your heart is telling you is exactly what you need.  You need to follow your heart.  And lastly, it's true.  A relationship with Marcus would be less stressful and easy for you to begin with.  But there's no way you would be satisfied with that.  You would eventually miss the excitement, the back and forth banter that you have with Harry, and no one else.  Not to mention the physical...well, you know.  You would begin to doubt the relationship with Marcus and never be able to give yourself completely to him.  Besides, do you really want easy?  I don't even think you know how to do easy."

 

"Well, apparently you've thought way too hard about this.  Look, I don't know.  I do love Harry, even Harry knows that.  But I don't want to hurt like I did ever again.  I don't think I could take it.  I know I couldn't take it.  But with Marcus, I don't think there's much of a risk that he will hurt me."  Julie admitted.

 

"Of course, there's not much of a risk, because you won't have the feelings for Marcus that you do for Harry.  Ever." Amanda said back to her.  And she just realized that was exactly what JJ was going for.  "And there's no way he could ever hurt you the way Harry did."

 

"Maybe."  Julie sighed.  "Kind of the point."

 

"Have you ever thought about how wrong that sounds?  Settling for someone because you think it will be easy?"  Amanda tried.  She hated when JJ got like this.  Deciding consciously to ignore feelings.  To stay away from the deep feelings.  To live with the easy so she didn't have to feel real feelings.  "I'm not trying to push you to Harry.  I just have seen everything you have gone through since Harry entered your life.  I've never seen you so happy, or so sad, or so excited, or so overwhelmed.  But you got through it all.  All the sadness you were able to get through, because you are as strong as Niall says you are.  But JJ, I want to see you that happy again.  I know you're scared, but you've said it yourself, there is nothing risky about Marcus, and everything about Harry is risky.  The risk and the reward go hand in hand.  Harry may be a super high risk, but the reward would be extraordinary.  An epic love for the ages. Sometimes you have to be willing to take the risk, and work to reap those benefits."

 

"And sometimes, the risk is just simply too much.  Sometimes, the risk is not worth the reward."  Julie said solemnly.  "Amanda, it's not some pot of gold we're talking about.  By chasing the end of this rainbow, we're talking about me.  My heart, even my future, is in the balance.  With Marcus, there are no questions, no doubts, no risks.  No reason for my heart to break.  And that sounds really good to me."

 

There was no way Amanda was going to convince Julie about this today.  This was going to take some time.  The regression was worse than Amanda had thought.  She thought spending time with Harry would show JJ what she wanted, what was right for her.  When JJ told her about what had happened between Harry and her at the waterfall, she was convinced Harry was exactly what JJ needed back in her life.  But this stubbornness had gotten to a new level.  "Just do me a favor.  Give Harry his chance."

 

"Harry had his chance.  And every part of me except for the rational side wants him.  But my head tells me that my heart can't handle Harry and what he could do to it with barely trying."  Julie said wiping the tears that spilled from her eyes.  "I don't want to talk about it anymore."

 

"JJ.  Please."  Amanda tried.

 

"No, I'm serious.  I hear you.  I've heard what you said.  But right now, easy seems like the best way to go.  I'm so tired of fighting.  Why can't I have someone who takes care of me?  Who wants me happy and has never done anything to show that he wouldn't continue to do it."  Julie said feeling defeated.

 

"JJ.  That is not you.  You are not that type of person.  You are you, and you will never let a guy define you.  Take over your life.  You could never sit back and let him take care of you.  You are not the house wife, white picket fence kinda girl."  Amanda sighed.

 

"No one said Marcus would expect that.  He never asks me to do anything for him.  So why would you think that?"  Julie asked.

 

"Ugh, JJ."  Amanda said defeated.  "Marcus, is not who you want. Marcus is not who you are.  Harry, with his completely passionate personality, is who you are.  Tell me it's not exactly what you love about him.  With that passion comes all of the other emotions.  Flat and emotionless is what you thought BEFORE you met Harry, and he showed you the other side could be ok.  Don't forget that.  Be you NOW, not you BEFORE."  She took a deep breath.  "This conversation isn't over.  I have to go meet with the baker, but I ask you, while you're there you need to let Harry in and not keep him out because you're reverting back to who you used to be after Johnny and before Harry.  That was not a happy girl."

 

"She wasn't always waiting for the next heartbreak either.  She knew she wouldn't be hurt because she wouldn't allow it."  Julie said.  "I liked knowing I wouldn't be hurt."

 

"Just think about what I've said, please."  Amanda said to her.  "I love you very much."  She hung up the phone and looked at Niall.  "Our child needs a good talking to.  She's the most stubborn person I've ever met."

 

Niall laughed.  "Oh, Amanda, you've known that from the beginning.  She'll be ok.  Give her some time.  Let's go distract you with some cake samples."  He said as he took her hand and walked her out to the car.


	43. Chapter 43

Harry grabbed some of the food they had left over from dinner and put it on a tray to take in to Julie.  James said that she hadn't left her room since they'd gotten back.  He wasn't quite sure what was going on, but he knew she hadn't had anything to eat if she hadn't left her room, which kind of worried him.  He steadied the tray with one hand and knocked on the door.  He opened it slowly after he knocked.  "Hey, I brought you some dinner," he said as he stepped inside.  She was sitting in the middle of the bed, and he saw her wipe her eyes before she picked her head up from resting in her hands.  "Hey, what's wrong?  James said you hadn't left the room since we got here. I didn't exactly bring you back here to sit in the room the whole time.  And why are you crying?"  When he got closer, he saw her face, and she no doubt had been crying for a while.

 

"I've just been talking to Amanda.  Kind of got a little heavy, I guess."  She said rubbing her face a little.  "Combination of everything.  They set their wedding date, they've got their venue, and they were going to meet with the florists and the bakers.  I'm happy but can't believe it's happening already.  And then she just was Panda, and caused me to be even more confused about everything than I already was."  She took a deep breath and accepted the tray of food from him.

 

"Do you want to talk about it?" Harry asked sitting at the end of the bed. Julie didn't answer. "Hey Julie." Harry said with nothing but concern and love in his voice.  "She obviously upset you.  I'm here to listen and help.  You need to let me in.  You said you would try.  Please trust me enough to let me help you."  Harry was waiting for a typical Julie response, but he was hoping that she would let him in.

 

"No, I don't want to talk about it."  She said looking down at the tray.  She sighed.  "It's just the same shit."  She shook her head as she shrugged her shoulders.  "What I want and what I feel I need are nowhere near close to each other.  I never know what's right, ever."

 

"Well, what do you want?  What are you feeling?"  He figured it was about him, but he had to get her to open up.  He was hoping that he wasn't pushing her too much.

 

"I don't think I should be talking to you about it."  She said just giving up on the tray of food.  "Let's not even try to deny it.  You're always my biggest problem."  She really shouldn't say anything to him.  What would it solve?  It might just hurt him, and she wasn't looking to do that either.  "I'm honestly waiting for someone to walk in one of these days and fit me with a straight jacket.  And I'm not even sure I'd fight them."

 

"Well, thanks Julie."  He smiled.  "At least I'm the biggest."  He said with a smirk.  He could tell Julie wanted to be irritated and maybe she was a little, but he noticed she couldn't help but smile.  He moved next to her on the bed.  "Sweetheart, you are not crazy," he bent down to look her in the eye.  "You can talk to me, even if it is about me.  Don't you think that was part of our problem last time?  We didn't open up to each other about us.  You need to tell me what you're feeling and thinking, and I need to tell you what I'm feeling and thinking.  I promise that I will listen with an open mind and an open heart.  I just ask that you do the same for me."  He really meant what he was saying.  He prayed she could hear the sincerity in his voice and see it in his eyes.  He just hoped he could help her and remain calm.  He was willing to do whatever it took to help her, and particularly help her to see that their love was worth the effort it would take to make it work.

 

Julie listened to his words, the sincerity and love in his voice was convincing her that maybe she did need to talk to him, really talk to him.  Maybe she needed and wanted to let him know what confusion was going on in her mind.  Maybe if she could explain it, he would understand, and maybe, just maybe, he could help her. BUT the other part of her mind just wanted to leave it alone and try to figure this out for herself.  Who was she fooling?  She was just confusing herself more.

 

"I'm not confident in your ability to accept the things I need to figure out."  She shook her head again.  "I'm just not sure."  She looked into those damn green eyes which were now only inches from her own.  "And I'm pretty sure I am crazy."  She pushed him away a little.  His being so close was making her lose her focus.  "It's Marcus, and what I should do.  And you.  What I want and what I'm pretty sure I need, well, each of you fit into one of those categories.  But neither fit in both.  I can't help the fact that the thought of giving you the chance to hurt me again would be a mistake.  I don't think anyone understands what it did to me the day you left me."

 

Harry initially was irritated that Marcus was even part of what she was thinking, but he knew that his jealousy was a sore point for her.  He had to keep it under control.  But what she said at the end was breaking his heart.  He had to be understanding of her situation.  So, he smiled at her and said, "You may be a little crazy, but so am I.  Look, I will try my best to accept what you need to figure out...whatever that is."  He was realizing that what he did was still not only hurting her but also their ability to be together.  He never liked seeing her hurt.  He lost his smile, but the love and honesty in his eyes was still evident when he looked at her.  "Julie, me leaving, or rather forcing you to leave, was the biggest mistake of my life.  You have to understand that I was petrified.  My heart and soul had never been in someone else's hands.  It scared the shit out of me.  I was so out of my mind with the fear that you didn't need me or that you would leave me that I literally pushed you away.  Now THAT was crazy.  I figured that if I left first it wouldn't hurt as much.  But man, was I wrong.  Instead of running after you and trying to get you back, I talked myself into believing that I would eventually get over it.  But I couldn't.  I tried, for months, but I couldn't."

 

"But if you were wrong, or if we were really right together, don't you think you would have?"  She tried to stop the tear from falling out of her eye.  "Look I'm not going to sit here and pretend I would have come to you.  You know as well as I do, that I went straight to the 'he never wanted me in the first place' mind set.  Even if I wanted to, which I won't admit, I wouldn't have come beg you back."  She looked at him.  This was it.  She was going to admit things to him and to herself that she didn't think she ever would.  "I want you.  I've always wanted you.  There's no one else who has EVER fought for me the way that you have, or the way you had.  I felt like I mattered for the first time in my life.  Even though I never said it, I felt like I belonged, with you.  That you understood me.  And that was gone, in an instant.  And I questioned EVERYTHING again."

 

Julie was having a hard time sitting still.  She was rambling.  The words pouring from her quicker than she could even think.  She got up and started pacing.  "I started questioning every decision I made.  Why would I trust you the way I did?  Why would someone like you even want someone like me?  It made no sense.  And I got so angry at myself for allowing it.  I knew better.  And then I let it break me so much when I always expected it to end.  When I expected you to realize that I wasn't as you thought I was.  That I wasn't worth all the trouble.  I let myself believe for a while that what we had was real.  But I knew better.  And then I went back to LA, and I was broken.  Over a man.  And I promised myself I would NEVER let that happen again."

 

She clenched her teeth as she realized how much she had just said.  She reigned herself in before she continued.  "Long story short.  I want you.  And what I thought we had before.  But what I NEED is Marcus, strong, calm, safe, consistent, and non-confrontational.  Someone who couldn't hurt me even if he tried."

 

Oh my God, that fucking hurt! Harry thought.  He was so concentrated on how much he'd hurt her that he barely even heard the Marcus part.  But he did hear it, and that hurt, too.  He had to figure out how to respond to all that pain and do it fast.  He could feel the tears welling up in his eyes and then a tear fell onto his cheek.  "Julie, I'm so stupid.  I'm so sorry I ever hurt you.  I will never forgive myself for that.  If I were you, I'm not so sure that I would trust me again either. You have to understand that I was miserable too and was being pretty damn stubborn.  Looking back on it, I'm not really sure what I was thinking.  I'm pretty sure I wasn't thinking.  I was running...running scared.  I know that none of this is an excuse of any kind, but I want you to, no, I need you to understand where I was; why I did and didn't do things."  Harry took a deep breath.  He had to try to make her understand.  He had to tell her how much he was suffering.  Julie nodded and let him continue.  She wasn't running.  She wasn't talking, but she wasn't running.

 

"Zayn was part of my issues.  Zayn hurt me so badly when he left the band.  You saw it firsthand.  He was my brother, at least from my perspective, and he left me.  Yes, he left the band, but I felt like he'd left me.  I couldn't understand that.  I was so angry, and you helped me get my anger under control, but the hurt was still there.  I had never felt hurt like that before.  It still hurts.  If my brother of four years or better, someone I loved and thought loved me, could just leave without a word, why wouldn't you?  Hell, it put everyone I loved in question, especially you, because you held my heart.  I loved you then, and I love you now more than I have ever loved anyone in my life.  The hurt that Zayn caused seemed to ease up as time went on, and I hoped that the same would hold true with you."

 

"Zayn wasn't my only issue.  I saw how you handled that dick, Johnny, and told you how strong I thought you were.  I was so proud of you, but I also felt inadequate.  I know it was selfish, but I felt like since you had dealt with him what could you possibly need me for anymore.  I felt like that such a big part of why you loved me was my ability to help you deal with the issues Johnny had caused you.  He was no longer in the picture, so what was I needed for?  Why would a woman as strong, independent, beautiful, caring, sassy, and smart want me around?  I could understand you needing me, but wanting me and everything that came with me, I couldn't see that.  I hope you understand and one day forgive me for my selfishness."

 

"Julie, my head was in a bad place.  The worse place I've ever been.  I doubted myself more than ever.  I doubted my place in the band.  Hell, I doubted the band.  It was as if I was waiting for the next bad thing to happen.  So instead of waiting around, I MADE the bad thing happen.  I thought that even though I wanted you, you were not what I needed.  I needed to be safe, simple, and care-free.  And for some stupid reason, I decided that I needed something that wasn't you."  He looked at Julie.  She was looking back at him and just about to speak when he interrupted her putting his hand up.  "BUT I WAS WRONG!!  My heart wouldn't stop beating for you!  No matter where I was or what I was doing, a thought of you would come into my head.  Everything reminded me of you.  I tried, Julie, I really tried to get over you.  It really hurt my heart and my ego too that you let Zayn in and allowed him to help you.  I understand that you wanted to do it without my help.  Honestly, I probably would have bulldogged myself in and taken over any project of yours during that time, but Julie, you have to believe that I have grown.  I'm not perfect and never will be, but I love you more than you will ever know. I regret what I did, but I don't think that either of us would have grown the way we have without that pain.  I can't promise that we will go back to the way we were.  We have grown and have a different perspective on life. I do hope though that one day I can win your trust and that you will be willing to take the risk of loving me and giving me your heart again.  You have mine.  You always have and always will."  Harry knew that this needed to end.  He hadn't explained everything, but it was a good start.  He felt better telling her all these things, these feeling he'd had bottled up inside for so long.  He was just hoping, and praying even, that she would start feeling better, too.  He could tell it was now time to end all this serious talk.  She needed some time to absorb what was said.

 

"Now that you have said your piece for the night and I have said mine, let's put it to bed for the moment.  Now you stop your crying.  You need to eat, and we both need some sleep."  He said motioning towards the tray.

 

Julie shook her head.  He said all that and then just decided to turn it off and tell her that was it.  And stop your crying?  You have got to be kidding me.  All she kept hearing over and over was you're not what I needed.  Her body was shaking.  And he'd thought she'd used him for her own agenda, and to get through the shit Johnny caused.  What the hell?  He thought that's all he was to her?  Something she used to get past Johnny?  Even she wasn't that fucking cold and if he thought that about her.  What the hell!  And then he said he wanted her but didn't need her.  What?  He was the one that practically bulldozed her wall and MADE her need him.  She hugged herself tightly when her body shook harder, and she started to sob.  What the hell was this?  Not once was this brought up before.  Not like this.  They were so wrong for each other.  Nothing made sense anymore.

 

Harry saw her break down.  He had gone too far with his truth.  He could see that he'd thrown too much at her all at once, and she couldn't sort through it, and was probably totally misinterpreting him as well.  He went to hold her.  He had to fix this.  He reached for her, and she backed away.  "Julie, did you not hear me when I said I love you; that you have my heart?  Please tell me what you're thinking.  I thought we wanted to be truthful with one another.  Please help me understand what you're struggling with.  I fucked up back then.  I'm trying to fix it."  Harry was panicking.  He couldn't stand seeing her like this.  He felt so helpless, and he didn't even realize that tears were flowing down his cheeks like the waterfall; his favorite waterfall.  He was losing her.  He could tell that she was sinking so far into her thoughts and her self-doubt that she was pulling further and further away from him.

 

After what felt like an eternity with him just staring at her while both of them cried, he asked, "Do you want me to leave you alone for a while so you can think?  I don't want to do that; I want to hold you and keep telling you how much I love you, but if you need me to leave, I will go sleep in your room for tonight.  But I would like for you to talk to me once you've put it all together.  It's your decision, just tell me what you want."

 

She was stunned silent.  She couldn't speak.  She couldn't look at him.  She couldn't believe what he had said.  She felt like she was grasping at everything but not getting ahold of any of it.  It all stayed just out of reach, and the chaos was too much.  What were they doing together in the first place?  She had to shut this down.  She had to shut it all down.  She was about to go into a full-blown panic attack, and she hadn't had one in so long.  Her mind couldn't come to grips with any of this.  He tried to reach for her again.  She screamed 'don't touch me' in her head, but nothing came out of her mouth.  She backed away, turned and grabbed her bag as she scooted past him and out the door.  She glanced at the front door to leave but knew he'd just follow so she went to the room she'd stayed in the other night.  She shut and locked the door quickly before he got there.  She was struggling to catch her breath.  What the hell did all that mean?  What he'd told her when he'd ended things was nothing like what he'd just told her now.

 

She heard Harry knocking on the door.  She heard him ask her to let him in and talk it out with him, but she couldn't.  This is what she wanted away from.  The hurt, the pain, the inability to understand how deep everything was.  Right now, there was so much chaos going on in her brain that she couldn't pull things together.  This is why she didn't NEED Harry, because EVERYTHING hurt.  There was so much emotion in everything.  This is what she couldn't handle.  Everyone swore that feelings were the way to go, but she didn't know how to handle this.  She sank into the middle of the bed and pulled the comforter over her.  She needed to compartmentalize.  She needed to sort out everything he'd said.  She needed to be able to pull things together before she simply went insane.

 

Harry knocked on her door for a few minutes.  But she wouldn't answer.  He actually wasn't expecting her to, but he wanted her too.  He knew he needed to tell her the truth, what his feelings were, how confused he was, how scared he had been with how deep his feelings for her ran, but he should have known he needed to go slower.  A little at a time.  She didn't deal well with so much all at once.  She always had a hard time picking through everything for what really mattered.  Like the fact that he couldn't get over her, that he loved her too much, that his heart belonged to her and no one else.  He gave up after a while and went back to his room and lay down.  He covered his eyes with his arm and tried to figure out what he could do to reinforce the good and have her move past the bad.  He knew she was complicated.  He also knew she needed the structure, the specifics without too much else or she had a hard time controlling the chaos.  Which is exactly why she was struggling letting him back in.

 

He knew she'd allowed those deep feelings for the first time in her life, the first time they were together.  She experienced the high of being happy, but she'd also experienced the lows of being hurt and sad.  He wasn't around to see her at her lowest after they'd broke up, but he imagined she wasn't real happy with the fact she'd felt that way.  He was kicking himself for not admitting his feelings in a different way.  He sighed and hoped he could get her to talk to him in the morning before he had to write and record.

 

Harry must have fallen asleep.  He was having a dream that Julie came to him.  She came back to him and climbed in bed with him and let him hold her through her confusion.  It felt so real.  He could feel her arm over his stomach and her head on his shoulder.  Wait.  It wasn't a dream.  He dropped his arm from his eyes and brought his other one over to hold her tightly in both his arms.  He felt her curl up next to him.  He buried his face in her hair on the top of her head.  "I'm so sorry.  I just wanted you to understand."

 

He could feel her body still trembling, and he felt the wet spot on his chest.  She was still crying.  She came back to him still feeling overwhelmed and hurt.  He wouldn't let her go.  He tightened his arms.  "All I wanted you to know is that I was just as scared as you were.  You came out of no where.  Before you, I had come to the conclusion that there was no time for love.  And you changed that.  I was so scared of how deeply I loved you.  It wasn't supposed to happen.  And then when everything started to change, and I found myself wanting you on tour with me and then wanting you to want to move in with me, I didn't know how to react to that.  And I fought those feelings."  He took a deep breath.  "I was hoping you'd understand that."

 

Julie didn't want to get into such a deep conversation with him right now.  She just wanted to see if he could help calm her panic.  But what he'd just said she totally understood.  "If you would have told me that last year, I would have been able to understand.  You should know I understand being scared of feelings.  But that's not what you said.  And earlier tonight, you said you didn't need me, even back then, back when I thought we needed each other."

 

"No, Julie, I didn't mean it like that.  I wasn't supposed to fall for anyone like that.  I couldn't figure out why I was in so deep."  He closed his eyes and rested his lips on her head for a second.  "You seriously found a place in my heart I didn't even know existed.  I love you.  And no matter what happens, I will never stop loving you.  I can't deny it anymore.  I tried forgetting you.  It didn't work, because I don't want to forget you.  I didn't figure all of this out when I should have.  It took me some time.  But I was scared."

 

Julie took a deep breath and closed her eyes.  She understood the confusion about the feelings and falling in love when you weren't ready.  They could have helped each other through it.  "I could have understood that.  We could have helped each other through that."  But he had pushed so hard for her to feel for him deeply, and now he was telling her he'd tried to push those feelings away, too.  "Harry....."

 

Harry sighed.  "Let me guess.  You want to go back to LA."  He wasn't surprised when she said yes.  "I will have Jeff set it up.  Just tell me we still have a chance."  He knew she needed the time alone, and she would struggle here where she didn't have her structure and her home.  Tonight sucked.  Probably worse than any other night except for the night they'd broken up.  But maybe it needed to happen.  She needed to make a decision, and she needed to come to that decision herself.

 

"We still have a chance."  Julie said snuggling in closer when he pulled the blanket up over them.  She figured she knew what she was going to do.  She needed to talk to Marcus.  She couldn't make any commitments to anyone until she did.  She still couldn't quite make everything come together the way she wanted them to.  All she knew was when she was in the other room wrapped up and freaking out alone, she thought of him a room away.  She thought of his arms and his warmth and his strength.  She wanted it.  She craved it.  It took her awhile, as she tried to fight it, but she got up and came to a place she knew she would feel safe and that was in his arms.

 

"When I come back to LA in a couple of weeks, you will talk to me, right?  We can talk about what's going to happen between us?"  He asked her, closing his eyes as he felt her start to calm down.  When she nodded yes, he let out a breath.  Hopefully, it gave her enough time to have made up her mind.  This was his last chance.  If she picked Marcus over him, he knew they were over for good.  And that's not what he wanted.  He wanted this.  Her in his bed.  Waking up beside her every morning.  Kissing her good night every night.  He missed comforting her through her nightmares.  He didn't realize she still had them, but she'd had one every night they'd spent together on this trip.  "I love you.  If you can remember anything through your struggles, please remember that."  He heard her sniffle so he knew she'd heard him.  He felt her start to relax, and a few minutes later, she was asleep.  He stared at her sleeping for awhile.  He couldn't believe that this was it.  He hoped she would make the right decision.  He hoped she could remember the many good times and that they overshadowed the bad.  He had to accept whatever she decided.  But man, did he hope it was him.


	44. Chapter 44

Julie had been home in LA for a few days before anyone even knew she was back.  She wanted it that way.  She got a phone call about three days after she'd returned, from Panda.  Harry had spoken to Niall, and that's when Amanda had found out that Julie was back in LA.  It was a brief phone call, because Julie did not want to get into too many details.  She needed to work through all of that she was feeling and thinking by herself.  She was pretty sure she knew the answer.  She was pretty sure she knew what was right.  But there was just a little bit of confusion left, and she needed to deal with it.  Without the craziness of Panda and Jaime.  She's avoided his calls, too.  She had just put everything in her bag and was about to leave to go see Marcus when the doorbell rang.  She had no clue who it could be.  She opened the door and just about fell over when Jaime practically tackled her.  "What the hell!"  She exclaimed and then started to laugh.  "Why are you here?"  She asked as he pushed the door shut with his foot and then held her by her shoulders and looked at her.

 

"You've been avoiding me for over a week.  So, I decided enough was enough, and I was coming to see you."  He said shaking his head at her.  "No fair.  I want details of everything, and you just avoid me."  He pouted as he led her to the couch.

 

"Uh, Jaime, I was actually just on my way out."  She told him trying to stop him from pulling her to the couch.

 

"Well, it can wait for a few minutes.  Sit your gorgeous ass down and talk to me."  He said as he pushed her into a seated position and sat beside her.  "Start with Jamaica, and don't stop until your ass landed back in LA."

 

"Jamie.  I seriously don't have time for this.  I have something to do, and then I have to meet Amanda and Niall at some party I promised I'd go to."  Julie said looking at the clock on the wall.  "And I'm already cutting it close."

 

"Well, then start talking."  He gestured to her and then sat back and crossed his left leg over his right and clasped his hands over his knee.  When she just stared at him, he took one hand and gestured to her.  "Come on, speak."  He laced his fingers back together and waited.  He nodded along as she told him the story of their travels.  Her face lit up when she talked about first getting to the island and how beautiful it was.  How perfect that first night had been there, and then how great Harry was the next day showing her around.  He watched her cheeks turn pink when she mentioned a moment behind a waterfall.  He used his own imagination when she wouldn't go into details for him.  He smiled nonstop when she went through her time with her elephant.  And then came the end.  He frowned and listened to her.  This girl.  "Well, through most of that vacation, I was extremely proud of you.  But what the hell were you thinking even taking Marcus's call?  And what the fuck is the deal with needing to talk to him?  Girl, do you drive yourself as crazy as you drive me?"

 

"Probably."  Julie said.  She did.  She drove herself mad more times than not.  But she couldn't seem to help it.

 

"Why?  Anyone who knows you and sees you when Harry's around knows how crazy in love you are with him.  Look, I get your reluctance, somewhat.  I know you've been through shit no one should ever have to go through.  But stop, seriously.  Julie, listen to me."  He sat forward and took her hands and waited until she looked at him.

 

"We all get that you're scared.  All of us that know and love you.  Even Harry knows it.  I get why you don't want to let him in.  But, maybe he WON'T hurt you again.  If you decide to go with someone else, just because you're afraid of what could happen, to protect your heart then look at the other side of it.  Look what you could lose out on if you don't go with your heart.  That boy loves you."  Jaime said as he play-pouted.  "He must love you a lot.  He ignored my advances completely."  He had to lighten the mood some.  He could see the tears filling Julie's eyes.  And it worked.  He heard a light chuckle come from her.

 

"Jaime.  I appreciate everything you're saying.  Really, I do.  But I need to talk to Marcus.  I need to do it for me.  After everything I've been going through, I just need to do this.  Don't ask me to explain it, because I can't.  If I try, no one will get it."  She said.  She leaned over and kissed his cheek.  "I love your concern for me.  I really, really do.  But right now, this is what I have to do.  You don't have to like it.  I'm pretty sure no one does.  But it's me.  And if people hate me for it, then I guess they do."  She stood up and pulled him up.  She started walking towards the door.  "I've put it off for a couple of weeks so I need to do this, now.  Before Harry gets back from Jamaica.  He's been extremely patient with me, but I can't keep avoiding it."

 

"You mean, you can't deny you're unequivocally in love with Harry Styles?  JJ, I don't know why you've even tried to deny it."  Jaime shook his head.  "Ok, well, yeah I do.  But smarten up, woman.  You may tell yourself you're going to be ok without him.  But stop lying to yourself.  There's one thing on the list of cons for this man, and that's basing things on the past.  The list of pros is extremely long.  Stop basing everything you do on your one fear."

 

"That one fear paralyzes me, and you know it."  Julie sighed.  "I know what I'm going to do, Jaime, but right now Marcus and Harry need to know it before anyone else."

 

"Ok, Ms. Righteous.  But you better make the right decision.  Or I'm going to be extremely mad at you.  Even if it does mean it will free up Mr. Styles for me."  Jaime kissed her cheek and hugged her.  "Make yourself happy, please."  He waved and left.  He knew Julie was scared.  He knew the first time she'd told him about Harry that his breaking up with her was something she had never come to terms with.  Hopefully, she had now.  Hopefully, she was able to move past the pain to see things how they really could be.  Being her best friend was exhausting.  But only because he had to fight her to do for herself.  He never worried about her being there for him.

 

Julie pulled up at the restaurant she'd agreed to meet Marcus at about 20 minutes later.  She sat in Niall's car and took a deep breath.  She had put this off for two weeks.  She'd returned to LA and just couldn't seem to deal with anything.  She actually was happy that Amanda and Niall were still gone, that Harry had agreed to give her some time, and that no one else knew she was back in town yet.  She took the time to seriously think about everything going on.  She pretty much knew before she'd left Jamaica what she thought was right.  But she needed to make sure.  It was still hard for her whether people thought it should be or not.  And this was the final step.  She needed to walk in and see Marcus before she made the final decision.  But it was hard to get out of the car.  It was simple for most people, but for her this was extremely hard.  She had changed so much, and this was the final step in the journey she'd been taking the past couple of years.

 

She got out of the car and walked up to the door of the restaurant.  This was it.  She pulled the door open and looked around.  She knew this place would be quiet and empty.  There were only a handful of people in the whole place.  That was Marcus.  He found these places.  It's what he liked.  No chaos.  This is why he'd appealed to her so much.  She spotted him in a quiet corner and walked over towards him slowly.  He was a good-looking, smart, sweet, attentive man.  But there was just something missing.  If it were Harry sitting there, her heart would already be beating out of her chest; she would have had to catch her breath, and he wouldn't have even had to look at her.  She always hated his effect on her before.  But that's how it should be.  She needed to come see Marcus, to make sure she understood what she felt.  She smiled when Marcus saw her and got up.  "Hey, thanks for agreeing to meet me."

 

"Of course, Julie."  He said kissing her cheek and pulling out her chair.  "I was waiting for you to call.  I've missed you."

 

"Yeah, it's been awhile."  She put her bag aside and smiled as the waitress set down a raspberry iced tea in front of her.

 

"Hope you don't mind.  I let them know when I was joined by a beautiful brunette to bring the drink over."  He smiled over the table at her.

 

"It's perfect.  Thank you."  See, this was simple.  And uncomplicated and she wasn't confused about her feelings at all.  But she had to admit to herself that she missed the reaction she had seeing Harry.  "I'm sorry it took so long for me to come to you."  She looked up at him trying to figure out the right way to say what she needed to.

 

"I'm too late, aren't I?"  Marcus sighed.

 

"Too late?"  Julie asked.  She hadn't even said a word yet.  What did he mean by too late?

 

"You came here to tell me that we don't have a chance to be more than we already are."  He leaned back in his chair.  "I knew when I met you that you needed time to trust someone new.  Not Jaime, who you could never have anything more than a friendship.  But from a man who could have feelings for you.  It was completely obvious.  So, I took my time.  I wanted to show you what being with me could be like, but not push you for something you weren't ready for.  But then he came back."  Marcus said, both knowing who the 'he' was referring to.  "I can't pretend to be shocked.  But I do wish I would have maybe realized sooner."  He leaned forward and took her hand on the table.  "Before you say anything, let me say this.  I could tell from the moment he walked in the door on your birthday that he adores you.  And even if it's not me you choose,  let yourself open to love."  He stood up and leaned over the table.  "You deserve it, and everyone seems to know it but you."  He kissed her lips.  He had to give it a try.  He'd known he needed to take his time with this girl the moment he'd met her, but apparently, he'd waited too long.  He never thought the guy that caused her to be so guarded would come back and swoop right in.

 

Julie closed her eyes when Marcus kissed her.  She wasn't expecting him to know completely what she was feeling before she'd even said anything.  She was stunned silent.  He would be an amazing boyfriend, and husband to someone, someday.  She was glad when he kissed her.  She needed to know the feeling.  His lips lingered longer than she had anticipated, but it reinforced what she already knew.  There was no spark, no undeniable urge to continue.  No immediate pull.  When she felt him pull away, she opened her eyes.  She watched him sit back down.  "I'm sorry.  For all of this."  She said.  "I wanted it to be you for a long time.  You are everything that I thought I needed."  She looked down at her lap and then back up at him when a tear fell from her eye.  "But I don't think I can bear to lose him again.  And this is my last chance.  And it wouldn't be fair to you if I used you to try and stay away from him."

 

Marcus smiled.  "Look, I can't say I'm not disappointed.  I can't say that I don't wish you would give me a chance, but I also want you to be happy.  And if that's not with me, if that's with someone else, then I'm not going to get in your way."

 

Julie laughed through her tears.  "And people wonder why I struggled with this decision.  Everyone thinks they know what's best for me.  But I don't think there's a better guy out there than you."

 

"I'm not perfect.  Please.  But I've cared for you since the day we met.  You're not as mysterious as you think you are.  If people would take the time to get to know you, you're pretty easy to read."  He said.  "You're more than welcome to stay and have a late lunch with me, but if you have somewhere to be, feel free."

 

"Well, you may be the only person in the entire universe to think I'm anything other than a complicated, stubborn brat."  She said still laughing.

 

"Oh, you're all those things."  Marcus said laughing for the first time tonight.  "But it's not hard to figure you out."  He wasn't sure if she'd go to Harry and allow herself to be with him, but he wasn't going to be the one to stand in the way.  He liked this girl, but he wouldn't want anyone to stand in his way of love.  Maybe they could have gotten there, but they didn't know enough about each other yet.  He was happy though when she decided to stay and have that lunch with him.

 

Later that night....

 

Julie had stayed with Marcus longer than she'd anticipated she would.  It was nice to finally be able to interact with him without the questions or the pressure.  He was everything she thought he was, and even more understanding than she'd realized.  She was running late, and just pulled up to the party that Amanda and Niall had talked her into going to.  She took an Uber as she figured she could ride home with Niall and Amanda.  She was sort of glad they had already left for the party by the time she had gotten home to change.  She had finally come to a decision but still needed some time to work through it.  By the time she showered and gotten dressed, she was as comfortable as she was going to be with this decision.

 

She text Amanda when she was a couple of minutes out and was happy when Amanda said she would meet her outside. This was not a party she wanted to walk into alone.  Even though she had been around Niall for over two years and gotten used to celebrities coming in and out, she still wasn't comfortable mingling with them on her own.  For some reason, no matter how often it happened, it made her extremely nervous.  She had been told what this party was about, but she couldn't quite remember the details.  Some record executive was throwing it for some occasion or another.  She had learned that there were lots of reasons to throw parties in Hollywood.

 

She walked up to Amanda and looked her up and down.  "Well look at you; you have a definite glow about you.  Wedding planning and Ireland agree with you."  Julie hugged her and grabbed her arm to walk in with her.  "That dress is killer.  Your fiancé definitely likes to spoil you."  She said referring to the dark blue, short, fitted dress that tied around Amanda's neck.

 

"He does."  She said smiling.  "I'm sort of mad at you for not being home before we came to this party. How am I supposed to talk to you now?"  She eyed JJ up and then shook her head.  "You planned it that way.  You're so frustrating.  I don't know why I love you so much."

 

"Me either.  Maybe you shouldn't."  Julie laughed at the face Amanda gave her.  "I'm trying to get through this without any influence from outside parties.  I have to make this decision for myself and no one else.  Even though I trust you and your advice,  I have to make sure what I decide is right for me."

 

Amanda had talked to JJ and knew she was talking to Marcus before she came, but she had no idea what JJ was going to talk to him about.  She didn't know if she'd decided to give Marcus a chance or if she'd admitted to Marcus and to herself that Harry was where her heart was and where it would always be.  "Damn it, you're not going to tell me, are you?"  She walked in to the hall still holding JJ's arm and looked for Niall.

 

"You will know.  Right after I talk to Harry."  Julie said shaking her head.  "Marcus and Harry deserve to know first.  You'll know soon enough.  Harry's due back in LA soon, and I promised him we'd talk about everything when he came back."

 

"About that," Amanda said, "seems he must have come back early.  Cuz, he's here."

 

"What?"  Julie asked shocked.  She scanned the room and her eyes landed on him from across the room.  He was.  Oh, shit.  She thought she would have a little more time than this to come to terms with all of it.  She had just left Marcus and arrived here.  He hadn't spotted her yet.  "Did you tell him I was coming?"

 

"No, we said hi to him, and he let us know Jamaica had been successful, and he's proud of his album, but then both he and Niall have pretty much been busy working the room and talking to everyone who they can.  I was actually glad that you text when you did, so I could get away for a minute."  Amanda laughed and walked JJ towards the bar.  "Let's get a drink first, and then we can worry about finding Niall and Harry."

 

"I'm not sure I'm ready to find Harry just yet.  I'm a bit shocked he's here and not quite ready for it."  She said.  "Maybe after a glass or two or three of wine."  She picked up the glass of white wine Amanda got for her and took a drink.

 

"Well, maybe a glass or two.  No drunk ramblings, just enough to get you to tell him the truth."  Amanda said leaning back against the bar.

 

"I don't need to be drunk to tell the truth."  Julie said.  "How rude."

 

"No, maybe not.  But in order to be completely open.  Or at least more than normal, the alcohol doesn't hurt."  Amanda laughed as JJ scrunched her nose.  "By the way,  I like that dress.  Somehow it's totally you."  Amanda touched the simple black skater dress JJ was wearing.  She looked down to the high strappy black heels JJ had on.  "But you could be slightly more colorful."

 

"Hey, I'm wearing pink lipstick."  Julie shrugged.

 

"That's not pink lipstick.  That's basically a gloss that MAY make your lips look slightly pinker.  Next party, I'm dressing you, and doing your make up."  Amanda said.  She wanted to keep the conversation light for now.  She knew once JJ got in front of Harry, she would tense up and be nervous.  Hell, she felt nervous.  Amanda seriously wondered what JJ was thinking.  What had she told Marcus? What was she going to do about Harry?  Ah, being this girl's best friend was hard.  Why couldn't she just be like her, or most girls, and want to spill everything to her best friend all the time?  Amanda wanted to know!  She chuckled at how awkward it would be if JJ just sat with her willingly and had a gossip session.  Eh, maybe it would happen someday.  She stayed with JJ at the bar, and they talked a little more about wedding details and details of JJ's visit with Harrietta and had a second drink.  They grabbed a third glass and started to walk towards where Niall and Harry had gathered talking to a few of their friends.  Amanda noticed Julie take a couple of deep breaths, but then both girls stopped in their tracks about halfway across the room.  "What the fuck?"  Amanda said looking at Julie's face.

 

Julie closed her eyes for a minute.  Why?  She swore the world was trying to test her.  Every time she thought she had things figured out.  Every time she thought she knew the answer.  Every time she thought she knew what she felt, something seemed to get in her way and throw her back into question.  She looked up at the ceiling and opened her eyes, silently asking what she had done in a previous life to have everything be so damn complicated.

 

"JJ.  Please, just, don't...."  Amanda didn't even know what to say.  She didn't expect it, and she certainly never would have seen it coming.  She had the urge to take care of it herself, but she also didn't want to leave JJ's side.  She just watched JJ.  JJ hadn't moved from the spot she'd stopped in.  It was one of those times she could tell JJ was trying not to run in the other direction.  "Yeah, I don't know what to say.  Just, what do you need to do?"

 

Julie shook her head when Amanda started talking to her.  She wasn't quite sure.  She took Amanda's hand and walked with her back across the room.  Even if Niall were to look for them, he wouldn't find them easily, but they could still see him and Harry.  "I don't know.  I think I need another drink though.  Maybe something a little stronger?"

 

"No, no you don't.  You need to figure this out with a clear head.  JJ.  Just don't be intimidated."  Amanda said.  She knew there was no way JJ wouldn't be.  Hell, she would be.  Although she would have probably flown off the handle by now.  She wanted to herself.

 

Julie shook her head.  "Yeah, just, give me a minute."  She watched across the room as the tall, brunette with the never-ending legs stood next to Harry and was practically hanging on his shoulder.  She watched her laugh and rest her head on his shoulder more than once.  She should have known at some point she and Kendall Jenner would have to be in the same place at the same time again, and why wouldn't it be tonight?  "Do you think I did something, at some point, to piss off the universe?  To knock it out of balance and it's getting back at me?"  Julie asked Amanda.

 

Amanda shook her head.  "Yeah, I don't know.  But, I guess it's decision time JJ.  What are you going to do?"

 

What was she going to do?  Right now, she couldn't help but just watch the interaction.  Harry swore Kendall was in his past.  It was hard to watch Kendall with him right now, but what should she do?  She just shrugged at Amanda.  She didn't know.  Not yet.


	45. Chapter 45

Julie stood back with Amanda and watched Harry with Kendall for about 15 minutes before she set her glass on the bar and stood up straight.  She took a deep breath and straightened her skirt.  Not because it needed it, but just to do something.  She had made up her mind.  She was about to commit to that decision.  She looked at the doorway and then at Amanda when Amanda spoke.

 

"You're not leaving!"  Amanda exclaimed maybe a little too loudly.  She lowered her voice when she noticed eyes on them.  "JJ.  Please."

 

Part of her wanted to run.  It sounded pretty good to her on some level.  But no, she wasn't going to.  "No, I'm not leaving."  Standing there watching Harry, watching Kendall, watching their interaction, she realized that he was exactly what she wanted, and exactly what she needed.  He was being extremely kind to Kendall.  And even if Julie didn't want to see it, it reminded her what kind of guy he was.  She could tell Harry was trying to politely get Kendall to allow him a little space.  He'd take a small step away every so often, but she would just continue to end up back glued to his side.  "Let's go say hi to your fiancé."

 

Amanda looked at JJ shocked.  Was she really going to walk up willingly to a group that included Kendall?  And what was she going to do?  Amanda could tell Niall was uncomfortable with Kendall and Harry's interactions.  But he wasn't about to leave them.  She had told him some of what JJ had told her, and told him how close JJ was to accepting Harry back into her life on a more permanent basis.  Amanda knew Niall was also looking for her by the way he was scanning the crowd.  "Alright, JJ, but remember to give me the signal if you want me to kick someone's ass, ok?"

 

Julie couldn't help but laugh.  "Ok, Panda.  But maybe just use your best judgement.  I'm trying to refrain from any ass kicking in the middle of the party though.  So, we'd have to lure her outside first.  And it just seems like a lot of work."

 

Amanda smiled.  She didn't expect JJ to be taking this so well, but she wasn't complaining.  She was hoping that JJ would stand up for herself eventually, but she didn't see it happening now, happening here. She had NO idea that Kendall would be at this party.  But maybe it was best JJ dealt with everything all at once.  "Well, if needed, I'm sure we can find a way."  She grabbed JJ's arm as they got closer.  She wanted to make sure that JJ knew she was there for her no matter how this went down.  She smiled at Niall when he spotted them.  She had to hide her laugh at the look on Niall's face as he looked from her, to JJ, to Harry, and then to Kendall and back.  She knew he was wondering what the heck was about to go down.  He had known JJ was supposed to come, but when JJ was so late Amanda was sure Niall had given up on the hope.

 

"Hey, Princess."  He said raising his eyebrows at her and then giving her a kiss.  "JJ."  He said stepping back from Amanda and hugging her tightly.  "So good to see ya."  He said stepping back and looking down at her.

 

Julie smiled.  "Hey, Niall.  Missed ya."  She took a deep breath and nodded at him to give him the reassurance that she was ok.  She watched Amanda link with Niall's arm and give her a reassuring nod and then she turned and looked at Harry.  The feeling she had when she saw him across the room, the feeling she had now standing in front of him, was never matched by any other feeling.  She smiled into his eyes and could tell he was caught off guard and extremely nervous about how this was going to go.  Before she could speak though, she heard Kendall.

 

"Oh, did you come to take our drink order?"  She said in an irritatingly overly friendly bordering on bubbly tone.  "I'll have a red wine.  Thank you so much."

 

Julie rolled her eyes.  And she fought the really overwhelming desire of punching her right in her turned-up nose.  Instead she plastered a smile on her face and used her words.  "Really?  That's the best you could come up with?  I mean, I have to admit, I'm more than slightly disappointed.  I'm not even sure that's worth a comeback.  And I have so many I'm ready and willing to use."  She stopped herself from going any further.  But she couldn't seem to help herself from saying one more thing.  "I'll gladly get you a fork though, if you'd like."  Kendall looked confused, but Harry about spit out his drink, and Niall and Amanda tried to stifle their laughs but were highly unsuccessful.

 

"What?  What does that even mean?"  Kendall asked irritated.  "And why would any of you find that funny?"  She looked up at Harry who was trying to hide his smile by taking a long drink from his glass.  "Why does everyone find some odd remark about a fork, from a plain girl in a five-dollar dress who doesn't even belong at this party, remotely amusing?"

 

Julie put her hand up when Amanda started to say something.  She could tell Amanda was angry.  Her cheeks were red and her eyes were barely slits.  The hand that was not linked with Niall's was balled into a fist.  She wrinkled her eyebrows and looked down at her dress.  "Well, I mean, it's actually a ten-dollar dress, and I thought I may have slightly over paid.  Lesson learned."  She smiled up sweetly at Kendall.  "What about my shoes?  I paid I think like twenty-five dollars.  Did I over pay for them, too?"  She purposely glanced down at her feet and moved them around.

 

Kendall huffed and looked at Harry expecting some sort of interference from him.  She expected him to defend her.  When he just shrugged his shoulders slightly she was even more angry.  "I don't know who you think you are.  You seriously don't belong here.  You're just some bitchy girl who by happen chance weaseled their way into the lives of those worthier than her."

 

Harry shook his head.  "Come on, Kendall, there's no need for that."

 

"It's alright, Harry.  She's not wrong.  I am pretty lucky.  But at least I'm not pretending to be talented when I'm not.  I mean, I suppose I should know my place."  She turned to walk away but then turned back towards her.  "I think I will just go get you that fork now."  She started to walk away when she felt someone grab her arm and pull her backwards.  She turned to see Kendall standing in front of her.  "What?  Would you prefer something else?"

 

"Listen, you little bitch.  I don't know why you think you can talk to me like that."  Kendall said to her.  She was about half a foot taller than Julie and glaring down at her.

 

Julie took a deep breath to calm herself.  She was willing herself to stay calm at this point.  "Jesus Christ.  I didn't know you were so particular about your cutlery.  If it will calm you down, I'll go get you that glass of red wine.  But, since I'm such a simple poor girl, you may need to speak slowly when you tell me which kind you'd like."

 

"You, fucking smart mouth little bitch."  Kendall came back with.

 

Julie pulled her arm away from Kendall as she still hadn't let go.  "Again, highly disappointed that, that's all you can come up with.  I've actually known that about myself for quite some time.  I'm sure you've got better.  Would you like me to wait until you can come up with it?"  She looked at her wrist at her nonexistent watch.  "I mean, I don't have a whole lot of time, so maybe you can get back to me when you figure it out?"

 

"I swear there is something seriously wrong with you."  Kendall said stepping closer to her.  "I should just..." she started to say but was interrupted by Harry.

 

"Kendall, I think that's just about enough."  Harry put his arm in front of her stomach and pushed her backwards a little.

 

"What do you mean that's enough?"  She said shaking Harry off of her.  "She's the one that's starting shit with me."

 

Amanda stepped forward and put her hand over JJ's mouth when she saw JJ step forward and start to speak.  Kendall was no match for JJ's sass and wit.  But maybe it was about time to be done with this.  Oh, Amanda wanted to let JJ go.  But this wasn't the time or the place.  "Ok, I think maybe we've had enough for the night."  She pulled JJ towards the bar across the room.  The one they had come from.  "Ok, so, that wasn't what I expected."  Amanda laughed when Niall came up and lifted his hand for JJ to give him a high-five.  "Niall, maybe we shouldn't encourage her."

 

Niall laughed when JJ high-fived him.  "Are you kidding?  That was epic.  Kendall didn't know what to think."  He looked at JJ.  "And when you brought out that fork comment.  I thought I was going to lose it.  That's my girl."  He stood next to her and put his arm around her shoulders.  "But Amanda's right.  Not really what I was expecting from you."

 

Julie shrugged as she turned and ordered another glass of wine.  "Honestly, me either, but she's just so......self-absorbed.  Like I wanted to say more, I wanted to, well, stab her with a fork.  But it was just too easy."  She took a drink of her wine and cringed when she heard Harry's voice.

 

"Well, have to say, I didn't expect that, in the middle of an executive party.  Or maybe at all."  Harry said when he walked up to them.  He looked down and shook his head.  "What got into you?"

 

Julie shrugged.  "I don't know.  I thought I was being awfully nice.  I mean, I offered to get her a fork and everything."  She said looking up at him.  "I didn't expect you to be here.  I didn't think you were coming back for a couple more days."

 

"Yeah, I got done a couple days early, so they thought it'd be good for me to make it to this party.  Now, are you going to tell me what's gotten into you?"  He asked again.

 

"She, just, rubs me the wrong way.  A self-absorbed, spoiled, little brat that thinks she can just do what she wants, and who she wants, when she wants."  She looked down at her dress.  "And I was proud I got this dress for like ten dollars.  I don't know how she thought it was an insult.  I wish it would have only cost me five.  I could have gotten two."

 

Harry started laughing.  "You are such a smart ass.  And I think that it may be time for us to leave.  You may not like her, but Kendall does have some connections.  And I'm not sure your smart little remarks went over too well with her."

 

"I'm not quite sure she got it, to be honest.  I mean, I tried to keep it simple."  Julie said giving Harry a pouty look when he took her glass of wine and set it on the bar.

 

"How much of that have you had to drink?"  He asked reaching for her hand to get her out of there.

 

"Not nearly enough for what just happened."  She said.  "Why are you trying to get me out of here so quickly?  Are you embarrassed at my lack of fashion sense?"

 

"No, now will you please be quiet for a moment.  You look beautiful.  Just shut up please and let's go somewhere else.  I seem to recall you promising before you left Jamaica that we would talk."  He pulled her towards the door.

 

"Aren't you supposed to be here?  If they thought it would be good for you to be, don't you think it will be bad for you to leave?  I mean if you want me to go, I will."  She said looking back at Niall and Amanda for help, but she noticed they were just shaking their heads at her.  Damn them for not taking her side.

 

"I've been here long enough."  He said.  He saw Jeff standing not to far from the door so he looked down at Julie.  "Please, just wait here for one second.  I'm going to tell Jeff I'm leaving, and then I'd like to leave with you."  He walked towards Jeff and glanced back at Julie to make sure she was still standing there.  He saw her wave and looked in the direction she did.  Damn it, she was waving at Kendall.  What the fuck had gotten into this girl?  She was keeping him on his toes lately.  But he best get her out of here and fast.  Part of him liked seeing her confident enough in herself to stand up to Kendall, but then, it may not be the best for her to have pissed Kendall off.  He told Jeff he was leaving and had to have a bit of an argument with him, but finally just said he was leaving and that was that and walked back towards Julie.  He grabbed her hand that had just blown a kiss at Kendall and pulled her out the door.

 

"Geez, what's the rush?"  Julie asked him walking towards his car with him.

 

"Julie, what the fuck?"  He asked opening the door for her.  He stood there when she walked closer and then looked down at her.  "Hi."  He said.  He shook his head and smiled.  "That should have been what happened first thing when I saw you."

 

"Hi."  She said, and she couldn't help but giggle.  "Look, sorry if I embarrassed you.  But I mean, come on.  Could she be anymore obvious?  If I ruined your chances with her, you could have just told me.  You could go right back in there now and tell her you got rid of me, and she'd jump right back into your arms."

 

"Shut....up."  He said as he helped her into the car.  He went around and got in and then started driving.  "Ok, my place?  Niall's?  Where do you want to go?"

 

"Um, the beach?"  She asked.

 

"Really?"  Harry said smiling.  He definitely wasn't expecting that.

 

"Well, if you'd rather not.  It's ok.  You could just drop me off at home and go on your way."  Julie smiled slightly. Yeah, maybe she shouldn't have had that last drink.

 

"Seriously.  I think you need to calm down."  He shook his head grinning back.  "I'd love to take you to the beach.  Maybe the waves will calm you some."  They drove the rest of the way in silence.  He glanced at her looking out of the window a few times.  She looked.....happy.  She looked relaxed, even though she'd just confronted Kendall.  He had SO many questions.  But part of him wanted to put it off, too.  Was she happy and confident because she'd made a decision?  And what was the decision?  And why didn't she give him a harder time about Kendall?  He pulled up to the beach house and went around and opened the door for Julie.  He put out his hand to help her out.

 

Julie smiled up at Harry when he helped her out of his car.  "Thank you."  She started walking towards the beach, and when they got to the sand, she held onto his arm as she took off her shoes.  "It's really quite warm tonight."  She said.  "Reminds me of the beach in Jamaica."

 

"Yeah?  Good memories, right?"  He asked taking off his shoes and rolling up his pants.  He took her shoes and set them with his on the steps of the beach house and then took her hand walking her towards the water.

 

"Yes, Harry, wonderful memories.  That beach was amazing, Jamaica was amazing, and South Africa was amazing.  I had a wonderful time."  She said as they waded into the water up to their ankles.

 

"Well, after we returned from South Africa, I wasn't sure it would still be such an amazing memory."  He let her link her arm with his as they walked slowly down the beach.

 

"What happened after, even if it was hard at the time, extremely hard, it was needed.  We needed to make sure we didn't hold anything back."  She said looking out over the water.

 

"Ok, so, before we get into everything.  What was with you and Kendall tonight?"  He asked.  "And how come you haven't given me hell for it?"

 

She couldn't help but laugh.  "Honestly, I don't know.  When I first saw it, I was cursing the universe for giving me something else to have to deal with.  I wondered what the hell I did to have to have all of this happen, again.  But the more I watched, the more I could tell who the aggressor was.  I could tell you were being you and trying to be nice, but also trying to gain some distance.  I certainly can't blame her for being hung up on you.  And I honestly wasn't even going to acknowledge her, until she decided to come at me with that stupid server comment.  She knew damn well who I was."

 

"Yeah, I have to admit when I saw you I thought for sure my night was over.  I was wondering if I was going to get a punch between the eyes."  He looked down at her as she chuckled into her chest.  She was watching the water hit her feet.

 

"I mean, I can't pretend I wasn't a bit irritated.  She does something to me."  She shivered as she thought about it.  "I think it'd be best if I could avoid being the same place as her, ever again, for the rest of my life."

 

"Yeah, probably best."  He laughed.  "But, uh, guess you got over your cursing the universe?  Maybe past cursing me, too?"

 

"Yeah, figured, it was just time to step up.  She was keeping me from saying hi to Niall and to you, and I just figured it was best I didn't let her do that.  Amanda offered to kick her ass for me, but I didn't feel that necessary.  First, because you and I weren't together.  And second because I'm sure she wouldn't have gotten very far without being kicked out.  And honestly, I just came to say hi, and was going to leave it at that and see what happened.  But I knew, as soon as she said that about me getting drinks, what she was doing.  She wanted me to feel like I was out of my league and that you wouldn't look at someone like me when you had the option of someone like her."  She looked up at him.  "I couldn't help myself after that."

 

He stopped her and looked down at her.  "Julie.  I didn't come to that party with her.  I didn't encourage her.  At all.  I told you she was in my past, and I meant it."

 

"Oh, it's ok.  I believe you, but I have no right to question who you speak with."  She smiled up at him.  "If she wouldn't have said anything, I wouldn't have.  So, I'm sorry if I went a little too far."

 

"No, you didn't.  It's ok.  It did make the party a bit more entertaining for me."  He chuckled and then took a deep breath.  "So, uh, did you talk to Marcus?"  He'd avoided the subject long enough.  He needed to know if she did, and he needed to know how it went.

 

"I did."  She looked up at him and didn't say anything.  After a few minutes she just laughed at him staring at her.  "Ohhhh, you wanna know what we talked about?"

 

"Why?  Seriously, just why?"  He put his hands on her waist and squeezed them a little.  "Can you just tell me what you're thinking, please?"

 

"I talked to Marcus tonight, right before I got ready and came to the party.  I needed to see him. I had put it off long enough.  I knew you'd be back soon.  I needed to see how I felt when I saw him.  When I spoke to him."  She looked at the concern on his face.  She reached up and smoothed the wrinkles between his eyes.  "You're going to have permanent wrinkles if you don't relax."

 

"Julie, will you please just tell me what the hell happened.  YOU'RE going to give me premature wrinkles."  He scolded her.

 

She laughed.  "Ok, ok, sorry."  She took a deep breath and looked up at him seriously.  "I walked into the restaurant wanting to see how Marcus made me feel.  I needed to know.  When I walked in, I felt safe, and content. I felt fine."  She looked up to see Harry's eyes fall to his feet.  "I realized at that point, that even though it was easy and safe, I didn't feel what I needed to feel.  When I walk in the room and see you, I feel overwhelmed, and my heart beats a million miles an hour.  I feel the butterflies in my stomach, and I can't wait to be closer to you."

 

When she first started talking, Harry had felt his heart falling.  He thought for sure she was going to tell him that she'd chosen Marcus so that she didn't have to think about being hurt again.  When she continued, he slowly raised his eyes to hers.  Was she really saying what he thought she was?  He was the one stunned speechless right now.

 

Julie smiled when he lifted his eyes to her and could tell he was trying to say something but couldn't.  "Ok, don't pass out from shock, but I not only want you, Harry, to be in my life, I need you in my life.  I need you to make me feel alive.  I love you, and I won't ever stop.  And if the offer still stands, I'd love to be back in your arms every time I can be.  For as long as it will last."

 

Harry pretended to think about it.  "If the offer still stands, huh?"  He acted serious until she smacked him in the chest.  He then started laughing and picked her up around the waist and spun her around.  "Are you kidding?  I've waited a long time for you to let go of your stubbornness and come back to me."  He brought her down and kissed her lips and then slowly set her on her feet.  "I want you back.  I need you back, and I'm more than ecstatic to have you back."  He put his hand on her cheek.  "I love you, and there's no way I will ever let you question that again.  So plan to be very sick of hearing that."  He kissed her.  "I love you."  He kissed her again and then deepened the kiss.  Finally!  When he pulled away, he smirked down at her.  "Oh, and I think you should learn to eat everything with a spoon.  I think your crazy obsession with forks has gotten a little out of control."  He laughed out loud when she punched him in his stomach and then he leaned down and kissed her again.  "I love you and your semi violent streak so very much."


	46. Chapter 46

Harry was standing behind Julie with his arms encircling her waist.  They had been out standing on the beach for quite a while.  There weren't many words spoken.  He was honestly just surprised this had happened as quickly as it did.  "So, I hate to question you right now, because I've waited a long time for those words to come out of your mouth.  But you're sure this is what you want?  There's no question?"

 

Julie took a deep breath and then smiled.  "I'm as sure as I've ever been about anything.  I don't know if I'm capable of being completely sure about anything, but I know this is where I want to be."  She turned towards him and looked up at him.  "I can't tell you I'm not scared of being hurt again.  And I honestly don't know how I would get through it if we managed to screw this up a second time.  But, I just can't seem to help how I feel when I'm with you.  And you know I HATE not being able to explain it.  Or control it.  But you're it.  You've always been it for me.  I thought I needed to go see how it would be if I was with someone else, so that I had something to compare to how I felt about you.  And I'm really sorry if everything hurt you.  I'm sorry if I caused you pain when I tried to get all this sorted in my mind.  I may do things a bit unorthodox compared to others, but who said I'm normal in any sense of the word?"

 

Harry chuckled at her last statement.  "You're not that odd, Julie."  He ran his hand down her cheek and slowly looked over her face.  "You may deal with things a bit differently because of what you went through, but it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.  Not even me.  Whatever you did brought you back here, to me, so I'm not going to complain too much."

 

"So, if it would have taken me somewhere else, then you would have complained?"  Julie asked shaking her head.  "You just may be selfish."

 

"Yep, I am. I know."  He leaned down and kissed her lips.  "You know, I have some time off now.  Do you think you're going to be able to handle me being around so much?"

 

"No."  Julie said laughing.  She laughed harder when he slapped at her lightly a few times.  "I'm looking forward to spending more time with you.  Someone made sure we had way too much time apart."

 

"Someone may have been the one to make sure things ended, but if it was up to me, we would have been back together back before I went to film Dunkirk."  Harry said shaking his head.

 

"Not my fault.  You knew that I would think of every excuse possible not to let you back in.  So don't pretend otherwise."  Julie said rolling her eyes at him.

 

"Yeah, and for some reason, I still can't get enough of your stubborn ass and you torturing me."  Harry said back pulling her back into his chest.

 

"Well, that's good, because it's probably never going to change."  She wrapped her arms tightly around his waist and rested her cheek on his chest.  She looked out over the water and took in everything in front of her.  "I've missed you, so much."  She said quietly.  Her tears threatening to fall onto her cheeks.  "I wasn't exactly sure how much until right this second."

 

"I've missed you, too.  And no matter what it took for us to get back to this place.  I'm just glad we are."  He rested his chin on top of her head and closed his eyes.  She may be stubborn, and she may need a lot of time to come to conclusions.  She may doubt everything before she starts to open her eyes to the truth, but she always seemed to be able to work through it, eventually see it for what it really was, his love for her.  Maybe to others he'd wasted his time by giving her the time she needed, but he'd had faith.  No one saw what he got to when they were alone together.  No one outside of Niall and Amanda knew how things were.  He loved her.  You can't control who you love.

 

"Hey."  Julie said looking up at him.  "Get out of your head.  That's my job."  She smiled at him.  "Think maybe you could just kiss me instead?"

 

"Don't have to tell me twice."  He leaned down and placed his lips over hers.  He pulled back a little, smiled into her eyes and bent his head again deepening the kiss.  "Do you think you could come stay at my place tonight?  I'm not quite sure I'm ready to let you go just yet."

 

"Well, I have nothing but this dress.  Not sure I wanna sleep in it as it cost so much."  Julie said looking down at her dress.

 

"Oh, can we please just forget what she said?"  He shook his head.  "You know, I have something you can sleep in.  I wouldn't even complain if you slept in nothing.  And I promise I will go to the little shop and get you another outfit in the morning." Harry lifted his eyebrows, his smile holding a hint of a smirk.

 

Julie shook her head.  "I have plenty of clothing at home."  She took his hand and walked him back towards the beach house.  "I am ready to go though.  We can stay at Niall's or I suppose I can just grab a bag."

 

"I know I shouldn't get used to this simple you.  But I like it.  I would like you to come to my place if you wouldn't mind, so I will take you to grab a bag."  He grabbed their shoes and then opened the car door for her.  He handed Julie her shoes when she got in and went and sat in his seat with the door open to put his on. Harry took a deep breath. "I don't mean to push.  But maybe you can grab things for a few days?"

 

Julie laughed.  "Geez, we just got together."

 

"Don't pretend.  It's been long overdue.  And don't pretend like we need to take it slow.  This whole thing has been painfully slow."  He finished putting on his shoes and got into the car completely closing his door.  He leaned over and stole a kiss.  "Don't mess with me right now.  Give me a few days first."

 

She giggled.  "That's asking a lot of me.  But, I will try."  She looked over at him, cupped his cheek and rubbed her thumb over his cheekbone.  "I would be happy to stay locked up with you for a few days."

 

"Locked up with me?  Hell, I like it."  He grinned and then started the car.  He backed out and started driving down the road.  He reached for her hand and held it on the console between them.

 

"I like it too, Harry."  She looked over at him and smiled at the smile on his face.  "I still can't believe that I can make you that happy."

 

"Well, I wish you would believe it."  Harry looked over at her.  He licked over his lips and wrinkled his eyebrows at her.  "We need to work on your confidence."

 

She laughed.  "Harry, you told me you couldn't believe I'd want you.  Now you think it's odd that I think I can make you happy?"  She shook her head.  "Ok, I will work on it."

 

"Yeah, well.  We are made for each other."  He picked her hand up and kissed it as he drove toward Niall's.  He pulled into the driveway and waited for her to go grab some of her belongings.  He fought himself not to go with her.  But he didn't want to seem overwhelming.  He had to remember they had only been back together for a few hours.  He wanted to treat it like they'd never been apart, but that was trouble waiting to happen.  Harry knew that he had to try and remember they still needed to work on their relationship and how it was going to be, even though they were now going to do it together.  He smiled as he saw her walking out the door.  Julie had already changed into leggings and a t-shirt and pulled her hair back into a messy bun.  She made sure the door was locked, threw her bag in the back seat, and then got back in.  "I should have known that dress wouldn't have made it out of that house."

 

She smiled at him.  "Well, yeah.  I mean, I still prefer not wearing them.  Amanda and Niall still aren't home, so I text her and let her know I was with you.  I'm prepared for the third degree, so I may just hide out at your place for a while."  She buckled her seat belt and then reached for his hand.  She laced her fingers through his and then rested her other hand on top of their clasped hands.  When he stared at their hands together, a little incredulous that this was actually happening, Julie started to laugh.  "Yeah, yeah, I'm trying to show you a little affection, too.  You don't always have to initiate it.  Like I said earlier.  Don't fall over from shock."

 

"Not complaining.  Really, really, not complaining."  He smiled as he shook himself out of his zone and looked at the road as he started to drive.  "But it may take awhile to realize this is real and not just a dream."

 

"Yeah, well, if it is a dream.  Let's just hope neither of us wakes up for a really long time."  She said looking out of the window.

 

"How about ever?  Let's just stay in this dream, forever."  He nodded.

 

"Forever is a very long time."  She muttered.

 

"Deja vu."  Harry laughed.  "You've said that to me before.  But let's try a little positivity instead of negativity this time.  Can't hurt, right?"

 

"Right."  She said grinning as she glanced over at him.  She knew he would pretend to be shocked.  "Yes, I agreed with you, and no you don't have to pretend to be shocked.  It has happened before."

 

"Maybe, but not often enough."  He laughed and squeezed her hand as he drove towards to his house.

 

After they got to Harry's, he took her bag to his bedroom.  She had given him a little bit of grief about staying in the spare room.  He played along for a while and then just told her to stop giving him a hard time, and she was staying in his room and that was that.  He was glad to have her here.  Glad to have her back.  And glad things seemed good.  It had been a very long year and a month.  They'd spent longer apart after the break up than they'd had together.  He changed into his pajama pants and a t-shirt and then went back out finding her, not surprisingly, in the kitchen.  Harry leaned on the counter and watched her close the fridge and turn around with two bottles of water in her hand.  "Ya know, I can't wait to see this more often."

 

"What?  Me bringing you a water?"  She said setting it down on the counter in front of him.

 

"No, smart ass.  You in my fridge when I come out of the bedroom."  He took the bottle, opened it and then took a drink.

 

She smiled at him.  "Yeah.  I kinda missed it, too."  She set the bottle down on the other side of the counter.  She laughed when she looked at him.  "Ok, sorry, but this seems, just, weird, right?"

 

"No, it feels right."  He reached over and took her hand.  "I've waited a long time for your stubborn ass to see the light.  I'm going to keep you in my sights until I make sure that it's for real."

 

She smiled at him and then walked around the counter to him.  She sat on his lap when he spun on the stool towards her and put a hand to his face.  "It's real, Harry.  I went through a lot to get here.  I'm not going anywhere."

 

He wrapped his arms around her waist and held her on his lap.  "So, you figured all of this out tonight?  After being in LA for two weeks?"  He looked at her scrunch her face.  "Oh, stop.  Come on.  I'm curious to how you got here.  How you got through everything in order to decide to give us another chance."

 

She sighed.  "Alright.  I will tell you once.  When I came back from Jamaica, I struggled to get through everything you'd told me.  It was A LOT, and most of it was things you hadn't specifically told me before.  I thought I had worked through what our issues were.  But then when you said all that in Jamaica, I had a hard time putting it all together."

 

"Yeah, figured."  He reached up with one of his hands and played with the little strand of hair that fell out of her messy bun.  "I knew I should have maybe taken one thing at a time instead of throwing all of it at you at once."

 

"No, it's ok.  I mean.  You know me well enough to know.  I could tell by your reaction.  You could have been angry when I shut down.  You could have been mad when I stepped back or when I had my panic attack.  But you didn't.  That was when I started to realize a few things.  But I had to get away just to clear it all up inside my head.  And I think you understood that too, or you wouldn't have been so kind as to let me go without fighting me."  She took his hand and kissed it.

 

"Yeah, I knew you had to step back.  I definitely remembered that well."  He smiled and watched her lips as she kissed his hand.

 

"Well, I basically spent the two weeks alone.  I even ignored Jaime.  I was writing and thinking, and just simply putting things in order.  I shut myself down at first, but then I just let it in slowly.  And things started coming together.  I thought you'd be back in a few days, so I asked Marcus to meet me.  It was the only thing that I couldn't get past.  I just had that lingering doubt about being back with someone who could hurt me so badly."  She played with his fingers on the hand she was holding.  Spinning the rings around his fingers and then removing them and setting them on the counter.  She loved his rings, but she preferred his hands ringless, especially when they were alone.

 

He chuckled when she removed his rings.  "You and your habits."

 

"Yeah, well, I like your hands.  But I prefer to feel your skin, not your rings."  She ran her hand over his fingers.  "Now, where was I before you had to stop me and make fun of me?"  She smirked and then continued.  "So, I talked to Jaime briefly this morning, who by the way was pulling for you, even though he, not so secretly, wants you for himself.  And then I met with Marcus.  It took me a minute to work up the nerve to actually walk into the restaurant, but I did.  I was going to gauge my reaction to seeing him.  How it made me feel, how he made me feel.  I knew what I was scared of, but could I settle for less?  When I walked in, I was glad to see him. I knew the restaurant would be quiet and calm and that's how I felt when I saw him.  But there wasn't that same feeling I have when I see you, every time.  There wasn't that pull to him that I always feel whenever you're in the room. And we talked, and I remembered why I liked spending time with him.  He's kind, and sweet, and understanding, and he reads me really well."

 

"Uh, Julie.  You're getting to the part where you decided you wanted me instead, right?  Because this story seems to be going in a direction I'm not too fond of."  He said to her a bit concerned.

 

Julie laughed.  "Well, I agreed to get back together, and I'm sitting here on your lap in your house, so I'm guessing the answer is yes."  She took a breath and then shook her head.  "He knew before I even told him what I was going to say.  He said, 'I'm too late, aren't I?'  And at first, I was confused.  But he knew that it was you.  He said as soon as you walked into my birthday party he could tell.  He said he couldn't say he wasn't disappointed, but he wouldn't get in the way of love.  He knew from the moment he'd met me he needed to take it slow.  He needed to work his way in, because if he just forced it, I wouldn't respond.  He knew all this, but then you came back before he could.  And he said he just wanted me to be happy, and if that was with you, I should open myself up to it."

 

Harry stared at her.  He wanted to hate this Marcus guy.  But how could he?  He had been good to Julie, he treated her well, and he not only seemed to understand her, he backed off when he could have fought harder for her.  Well, shit.  Now he admired the guy.  "Well, I mean, wow."  He shook his head and chuckled.  "I think I may need to shake his hand.  Not only was he good to you, his priority is to see you happy even if it isn't with him.  I think I admire this guy."

 

"Yeah, I hated the thought of hurting him.  He said he was disappointed he wouldn't get his chance.  And I never would have guessed that he understood me so well.  I never guessed he was holding back purposely so he could gain my trust.  He really knew me."  She took a deep breath.  Should she tell him?  That he kissed her?  They had made a pact to be honest with each other.  But she wasn't sure it was a necessary part of the discussion.

 

"What are you thinking about?  Is there something else?"  Harry asked.  He could see the wheels turning in her brain.

 

"Well, he kissed me.  Once.  And I'm kind of glad he did."  She watched the look in Harry's eyes turn to jealousy for a second, but then he shook it off.  "Just, listen.  Please."  She continued when he nodded.  "He leaned over the table and kissed me.  And the reason I'm glad he did is because it reminded me of the difference between a good kiss, and then a kiss from someone you love.  My heartbeat didn't quicken, I didn't feel butterflies, or that shock of electricity that shoots through my body whenever your lips touch me, anywhere.  And as much as I thought I wanted to run from that, I couldn't.  You make me feel like no one ever could.  To this day, every time you look at me or touch me or kiss me.  It sends that shiver down my spine."

 

Harry smiled, glad that he was the one who made her feel like that, but felt a tear fall onto his cheek.  "I know that feeling."

 

"I thought I'd have a few more days to figure it out.  To really grasp what I was doing.  But then you were there.  Standing in front of me.  And I realized even a persistent Kendall Jenner wasn't going to stand in my way.  I love you, and I needed you to know that."  She stood up off his lap and pulled him by the hand so that he stood up.  She went up onto her toes and kissed him.  "And I hope that's ok with you."

 

He smiled and then made sure to play up a shiver down his spine.  "Perfectly ok with me."

 

She rolled her eyes.  "Yeah, not sure why I love you so much."  She grabbed his rings.  "I'm going to take these and put them away."  She turned and looked at him.  "You know what you can do?"  She asked grinning at him.

 

"What?"  Harry asked grinning back in anticipation.

 

"Order me some food.  I'm STARVING."  She laughed at the look on his face.  "Come on.  I haven't eaten since this afternoon, it's after midnight.  I'm hungry."

 

He shook his head.  "You know damn well I had another kind of appetite on my mind."  He walked over and pulled the menu from the drawer.  "Chinese?"  He held up the menu with her writing all over it.

 

"Yes!!"  She said backing towards his room.  "Oh, and that other hunger you had on your mind?  We have plenty of time.  Right, boyfriend?"  She smiled and turned to go put his rings in the jewelry box.

 

Harry couldn't help but grin ear to ear when she said 'right, boyfriend'.  He couldn't believe that this time had finally come.  That they were back together.  That she was here with him, and it was what they both wanted.  He called out after her.  "Right, girlfriend!"  He shook his head and called the Chinese place.  He'd never been happier to come back to LA early.  All his hard work seemed to be paying off.  He hoped they'd be able to stay on the right path to their future together.  Their future.  He no longer had to think about her as his past.  She was now his present.  And hopefully, his future.


	47. Chapter 47

Julie and Harry watched some random old movie as they ate.  Julie was curled up to Harry's side on the couch as the movie ended.  He looked down at her eyes slowly closing.  "Hey, let me clean up and then we can go to bed.  Please don't argue and just let me clean up myself.  I can manage throwing some take-out containers out."  He chuckled and kissed her head.

 

"Ok, fine."  She said to him as she lay against the arm of the couch.  "I won't argue.  But just this time."

 

"Perfect."  He laughed as he grabbed all the garbage and threw it away.  He put their glasses in the sink and then came back to her.  She stood up to go to bed with him, but he picked her up.  "I said I would take you to bed."

 

"You don't have to carry me, you're crazy."  She said as she nuzzled her head between his shoulder and his neck.

 

"Maybe. I'm crazy for you, that's for sure.  I still don't think you know how happy I am that you finally came back to me."  He kissed her head and opened the door and walked her into his room.

 

"Have to admit.  I never expected you to still be waiting for my answer after all this time."  She looked up at him when he set her on her feet.  "I mean, you definitely didn't have to.  And I know that I'm STILL figuring things out.  I thought for sure you'd realize that one girl, especially one like me, wouldn't be worth all that waiting."

 

"Well, you were, and are."  He put his hand on the side of her neck.  "Look, I can't help how I feel, or who I love.  I think you and I both tried that.  I know it didn't work for me.  I tried dating others. I tried forgetting you, but every time, I just went back to wondering about you.  How you would react in a specific situation.  I could hear your smart remarks when I did something, and I would laugh at them even though you weren't there to say them."

 

"Yeah, I know the feeling.  I wanted to hate you, forget you, never see you again."  She laughed at the look on his face.  "But I couldn't.  I thought about you in everything too.  Guess I do know what it's like not to be able to get someone out of their system.  Didn't mean I liked it."  She stood on her toes and kissed his lips.  "But, I sort of like you.  Mostly."  She clasped her hands behind his neck.

 

"Yep, and your amazingly sweet and bubbly personality is exactly why I love you so much."  He laughed and clasped his hands around her waist.

 

She laughed and smiled up into his eyes.  "I think you've been shocked enough for one day at how sweet I've been."

 

"Maybe. I might start questioning things if you kept it up for too long."  He took one of his hands and brushed a piece of hair off her cheek.

 

She smiled and kissed his chin.  "Well, I do love you.  I can't help it.  And I want to be here."

 

"Good, cuz I want you here."  He kissed her.  "I can't wait to have you in my bed.  Wake up to you in the morning, spend the day with you and have you back in my bed again tomorrow night.  Then, can we do it again?"

 

"Getting ahead of yourself, aren't you?"  Julie asked stepping back from him.  "I mean, we just started dating.  Shouldn't we take our time?  A little more wining and dining before we talk about what's going to happen in bed?"

 

"Oh, don't you even start with that."  He said glaring at her.  "Don't you dare."

 

"Don't I dare, what?  Make you work for it?"  She asked giggling.

 

"I've worked for a year to get you back here, where we are now.  How much more do you think I need to work?"  He asked crossing his arms.

 

"Whose fault is that?"  She asked him.

 

"Mine.  But I've repented, and I've worked hard, and I've grown and confessed my sins."  He said stepping towards her.

 

"Seems like you're trying to sin again.  We've had this discussion."  She put her hand up on his chest when he got closer.

 

"I wasn't even trying to deny it."  He said looking down at her.  "You know, I sort of enjoy your games.  But I always win."

 

"Are you challenging me?  I'm pretty sure we've had that discussion before, too."  She said stepping up on the bed and stepping backwards across it.

 

"Oh, so we ARE going to do this?"  He asked following her.  "Like I said, you know I always win.  You seem to back yourself into the wall all the time."

 

"I learn from most of my mistakes."  She said as she jumped off the bed and backed towards the door.

 

"Not all of them.  You took me back."  He smirked at her as he stepped off the bed.

 

"True.  So, I better start learning faster."  She opened the door and stepped out into the hallway.

 

"You better get your cute little ass back here.  I'm telling you.  It's only going to get worse."  He said squinting his eyes at her.

 

"Oh, now you're not only challenging me, you're threatening me.  I don't like to be threatened."  She said shaking her head.  "You think you'd have remembered that."

 

"I remember just fine."  He said stepping towards her as she kept stepping backwards.  "Doesn't mean I'm not right, that I won't get exactly what I want."

 

"So selfish.  I thought you were working on your selfishness, for the sake of our relationship.  Doesn't sound like you're making a lot of progress."  She said making her way down the stairs and towards the living room.

 

"Nope, guess I'm not.  I'm selfish, I know, it won't change.  Not when it comes to having you in my bed, in my arms."  He said watching her closely as she walked her way through the living room.  He watched her back up towards the couch.  "Oh, the couch will work too.  So, keep going."

 

She shook her head and then stepped up onto the couch and jumped over the back.  "I told you, I learn from my mistakes.  She backed further towards the door.

 

"Oh, so you wanna play outside, huh?  I'm not scared."  He said.  He could have easily stepped towards her and reached her, but their little cat and mouse games always ended well for him, so he would keep it up.

 

"I can go show a little leg and hitchhike back home."  She said looking up at his face.

 

"Absolutely not.  You aren't showing a little leg to anyone.  Unless it's me.  I'll own that selfishness."  He said as she put her hand on the door knob.  "I promise you, you won't get far."  He smirked as she backed to the side of the door.  But she was still moving.  "Ah, another idea, huh?"

 

"I'm sure I have no idea what you speak of, sir."  She said as she made her way towards the patio doors.

 

"Sir?  Really now?"  He shook his head.  "This little back and forth banter is fun and all, but I swore you were just falling asleep 10 minutes ago.  I think we should go back to bed."

 

"Second wind."  She said shrugging.  She put her hands on both of the patio door handles behind her back.  "I think a little fresh air would do you well.  Seems you need to clear your mind.  Rethink a few things."  She pulled the handles down and pushed the doors open and stepped outside.

 

"I don't need to rethink anything."  When he got to the doors he reached over and turned the pool lights on.  "I mean, if you want to take this outside.  I'm all for it.  But remember it was your decision.  I was plenty willing to keep it to the bedroom."

 

"I have no idea what you think is going to happen out here."  She said shaking her head.  "We're supposed to be getting to know each other again.  Remember, we spent more time apart than together.  I think you've got a lot to learn."

 

"I know you, oh too well."  He said shaking his head at her.  "Believe me, I've learned a whole lot over the past year and whatever.  Don't doubt me."  He stepped towards her, but she side stepped him between two lounge chairs going closer to the side of the pool.

 

Julie was having a hard time not laughing out loud.  Between the look on his face and his pretending to be selfish, it was hard not to just give in and laugh while he wrapped her in his arms.  But playful, witty and fun had to be a part of their relationship.  It's who they were.  So together they had to show it.  "Listen, I think you doubt yourself.  That's why you're trying so hard.  I mean, do you have some issues we need to sit down and discuss?"  She bent down and patted a lounge chair.

 

"Sure, you sit there, and we'll see what happens."  He said stepping between the chairs towards her.

 

"On second thought.  Maybe sitting isn't the best way to go.  Moving around is healthier."  She said.  She knew she was getting closer to the edge of the pool.  She just had to plan it right.  Anticipate his movements.

 

"I can think of another way to burn some calories, if that's what you're worried about.  And again, could have happened in the bedroom we were already in."  He said getting a bit closer.  She was up to something.  He could feel it.  But what?  He slowed down a bit when he got closer.

 

"Boxing?  Yoga?  Elliptical?"  She asked tilting her head at him and planting herself just by the edge of the pool.

 

"I mean, yeah, I suppose it could involve all of that if done correctly."  He said.  He stopped when she did and looked at her.  He was standing a few feet in front of her.  What was her plan? Her mind scared him sometimes.

 

Julie smiled at him.  "Well, I guess you got me."  She shrugged her shoulders and watched him.  She saw him hesitate.  She could tell he knew she was up to something.  But did he know what?  "What?  Now you don't want me?"

 

"You're too evil for this.  You wouldn't willingly stop and let me catch you, without being up to something."  He looked at her sideways.

 

"Wow, ouch, that's harsh don't you think?"  She asked him barely able to contain her laughter.

 

"Not at all, and you know it, too."  He took a breath.  "Well, we could just stand here and stare at each other all night."

 

"Well, I mean, I was kind of going for that, ya know."  She said.  "But you just wouldn't give up."

 

"Right."  He said.  Well, ok, so they could just stand here all night.  "Fine, against my better judgement, I'm going to come to you."  He hesitated but then stepped towards her.  He thought she was going to let him engulf her in his arms, but just before he got close enough, she stepped aside and put her hands on his torso so she could push him into the pool.  Luckily for him, but maybe not so much for her, he'd anticipated she would do something, so he reached out and grabbed her, so that when he fell into the pool, she went right along with him.  He laughed and grabbed her around the waist when they surfaced.  "And you thought I didn't know you."

 

"Oh, I knew you would figure it out."  She raised her eyebrows at him.  "I enjoyed the water in Jamaica.  She looked down at her white tank top that was now wet.  "Thought maybe you might enjoy it here, too."

 

Harry followed her eyes down to her tank top.  Fuck.  She got him.  He hadn't realized she wasn't wearing a bra.  How had he not realized that?  He licked over his lips and then slowly raised his eyes to hers.  "And you say I have a dirty mind."

 

"Look, it's true.  You do.  I may have just accepted what I like.  And if you haven't noticed, I like being in control."  She said as she watched his eyes slowly wander back to her chest.

 

"Well, this is one thing I will gladly relinquish control to you.  Sometimes."  He pulled her closer by the waist with one arm so that she could wrap her legs around his waist and ran his other hand over her breasts.  Watching her nipple harden through the soft fabric of her tank top.  "But, seems I have the same effect on you."

 

"Well, I'm not even going to try to argue.  So, do you want to go back to the bedroom now?"  She asked him as he was slowly teasing her breasts with his fingers.

 

"Nah, I think I'm good."  He ran his hand down her chest and stomach and then under her tank top slowly pushing it up over her breasts.  "In fact, I'm more than good."  He lifted her up further and found her breast with his mouth.  Rolling his tongue slowly around her nipple before biting it gently and pulling on it.  "You drive me crazy.  Every inch of you." He said before he did the same to her opposite nipple.  "Are we done with the little cat and mouse game now?"

 

"I mean, we can continue it if you'd like.  There are lots of places I haven't gotten to in the house yet."  She said playfully pushing him away with her hands on his chest.

 

"Not a fucking chance."  He said smiling into her eyes and laughing as she threw her head back and laughed.  "You think it's funny?"

 

Julie pulled her head forward and looked him in the eyes without losing her smile.  "I think.....I'm happy."  She said wrapping her arms around his neck.  "And I think I'm ready for my punishment now."

 

Harry smirked.  "Good.  Cuz I'm ready to give it to you."  He leaned forward and kissed her lips.  First gently a couple of times and then a bit deeper.  He pulled back and looked at her face.  The smile he loved so much still on her lips.  He placed his lips back on hers and then deepened the kiss.  With one hand, he took the tank top off of her and threw it back over his head onto the side of the pool.  He slid her leggings down and then walked to the side of the pool and set her down on it as he removed them completely.  "You can have control next time.  Because I want it now."  He said looking up at her face.  Julie's being on the side of the pool put her in perfect position.  He licked over his lips as his eyes wandered to his target.  "I need to taste my addiction."  He said as he put his hands on her thighs and spread them just a little more.  He wasted no time in devouring her, turned on even more by her inability to control her moans as soon as his mouth found her.

 

"Jesus Christ, Harry."  She said to him as she was leaning back on her hands.  Her head immediately fell back.  Obviously, this wasn't the first time he's done this to her, but it was so fast and so aggressive, immediately her body had no time to adjust.  Her stomach muscles clenched and she jerked forward.  Her body started burning.  Every nerve ending seemed to be on fire.  She tried to push him away, but he only held her thighs tighter as he sucked and twirled his tongue around her bundle of nerves.  She almost couldn't take it.  Her body was wiggling underneath his tongue.  "Fuck!  Harry!"  She reached up with one hand and pulled on his hair, but he was persistent.

 

Harry smirked when her hand made it into his hair and she tried to stop him.  He knew by her reaction that she was feeling the fire.  The one he'd tried so hard to give her every time they were together.  When her body started to react and her breathing became labored, he took one hand and pushed his fingers inside of her.  It wasn't more than a few movements until he felt her start to clench around his fingers and her body start twisting around harder.  Exactly how he wanted her.  He felt her let go of his hair and lean back on her hands again, when he thought she was starting to come down he lifted his head to see her head back and her chest heaving.  He kept working her with his fingers until her clenching lessened, but before she came down completely he pulled her back down into the water.  He removed his pajama pants as she helped him remove his shirt and shoved into her pressing her back against the wall.  He groaned in pleasure as he pushed up hard into her.  The water causing a bit of a pushback and barrier.

 

"Fuck!"  Julie said as she wrapped her arms around his shoulders to hang on.  When he shoved up into her, she felt her whole core scream.  How could sex with this man continue to get better?  She never had any complaints, but every time they were together, her body felt things she didn't know it could.  "God damn, I don't know how you do this to me."  She said breathlessly.

 

Harry ran a hand up the back of her head and into her hair.  He thrusted up into her and pulled her down onto him with his other arm.  "Same way you do it to me."  He rested his forehead against hers looking into her eyes and then pulling her into a kiss.  The water was becoming too much of a barrier.  He wanted her to feel all of him, take all of him into her and orgasm for him again.  He put his hands on her waist, picked her up off of him and set her on the poolside.  He climbed out of the pool and helped her up.  He led her to the lounge chair and laid her back climbing over her and kneeing between her thighs.  When she opened her legs and accepted him, he pushed fully into her.  He steadied himself pushing one arm on the chair so he could look down at her.  "I fucking love you."  He said as he continued to thrust into her.

 

Julie couldn't help but start to laugh.  "I fucking love you, too."  She said as her head came forward into his chest and then fell back against the chair.  "My body is on fire."  She said as she closed her eyes.  She didn't even need to see the smirk she knew was spreading across his face.

 

"Let it go, baby."  He said to her watching her face.  He felt her familiar nails dig into his shoulders and then her start to clench around him.  As soon as she started to clench, he started his release.  They came together and rode out their high.  He collapsed down onto her and then in one movement rolled her so that she was lying on him.  "Fuck, is right.  Best idea you've ever had."  He rubbed her back as they tried to catch their breath.  He glanced over at the pool.  "But now I have to fish my clothes out of the pool before the pool cleaner comes.  I wonder what the extra charge would be for removing clothing."

 

Julie giggled into his chest.  "I'm sure you could afford it."  She rested her face in the crook of his neck.  "I've missed you so much.  But if you tell anyone that, I will deny it fiercely."

 

"I'm sure you would.  Luckily, I want to keep that secret to myself."  He kissed her head and her lips.  "So, ya think I can take you back to bed now?"

 

"What?  Did I wear you out already?"  She asked.  "I thought we had a lot more places to break in here.  We never got that far last time we were together."

 

Harry chuckled.  "Well, luckily, this time, we're going to have plenty of time to christen every room.  It doesn't have to all be in one night."

 

Julie sighed happily.  "Oh, ok.  That sounds wonderful.  Take me to bed then, my love.  As soon as you fish out your clothes from the pool."


	48. Chapter 48

A few days later Harry went to answer the door when he heard the doorbell.  He had just finished fixing lunch and was waiting for Julie to get out of the shower so they could eat.  They had spent about three days just stuck in the house, spending time together.  It was nice.  They talked, a lot.  They'd learned more about what the other was doing specifically during their time apart.  Harry had tried to give Julie a bit of a sneak-peak into his album, but she said she wasn't sure if she was ready to hear it yet.  He heard a lot more about her writing program and that she was still lacking a bit in the confidence department, but he would be around more to help with that.  He laughed when he opened the door and saw Amanda standing there.  "Ah, I was wondering how long you'd let me keep her before you came."

 

"Shut up, Harry."  Amanda said stepping in and kissing him on the cheek.  "Niall's coming, he's finishing a phone call in the car.  Business and all."  She walked inside and handed Harry a bag.  "We brought some lunch."

 

"Ah, well I just made some."  He opened the bag and looked inside.  "But this looks like it will go with it just fine.  Thanks.  How are you doing?"  He asked, walking towards the kitchen.  "Want anything to drink?"

 

"Iced tea would be nice, if you got it.  Thanks."  Amanda put her bag down on the stool next to her.

"So, where's JJ?  Did you tie her up so she couldn't leave?"  Amanda asked, teasing Harry.

 

"Haven't had to yet, she hasn't threatened to leave once."  Harry chuckled and poured Amanda a glass of tea.  "She's in the shower.  She should be down soon."

 

"So, things are going well then?"  Amanda asked.  She had briefly spoken to JJ the day after the party, but she hadn't really gotten any details.

 

"Yeah, things are going really well.  Although I didn't expect them to go bad."  Harry laughed handing Amanda her glass of tea.  "You don't have to come after me yet.  I didn't force her into anything.  She came to me, and she chose to stay."

 

"I wasn't asking for that purpose."  Amanda laughed and took a drink.  "But it's good to know that I don't have to plan your demise yet."

 

Niall walked into the house.  "What?  Whose demise are we planning?"

 

"Actually, I was saying we didn't have to plan Harry's demise yet.  Apparently, JJ is staying via her own free will."  Amanda laughed.  "But you're going to have to let me have my best friend back at some point, Harry.  I kind of need her for wedding details.  I think Niall needs to pass me off some.  Although, I'm sure that he's more than ok with me talking about it to him 24/7."

 

"Not annoyed at all."  Niall said.  He laughed at the look on Amanda's face.  "What?  I'm not.  But I think I have the details down, really well.  As you've told me about 100 times, every single thing."

 

Harry laughed.  "Ok, you two.  As much fun as it is to listen to the two of you go on and on about this.  Are we here for a specific reason today?"

 

"Yes, I'd like to see my best friend."  Amanda said.  "You don't get to keep her all to yourself.  Sorry, but I don't care if you just got back together three days ago.  You've had her mind occupied for a long time and I haven't spent any time with her."  Amanda pouted.

 

"Oh, Jesus Christ."  Julie said as she walked down the stairs.  "Put the lip away.  You act like you haven't talked to me in years.  I recall getting lectures not all that long ago."  She shook her head and as soon as she got down the stairs she returned the hug Amanda had already laid on her.

 

"Well, it seems like it.  And they weren't lectures, it's the only way your stubborn ass hears anything.We have to put it out there, very specifically, so you can't spin it."  Amanda said linking her arm with JJ's.  "But, I need you.  I may be getting carried away with these wedding plans and I need your black and white to keep my colorful in check."

 

"Ok, we use that saying just a little bit too much these days."  As Amanda walked her over towards Niall and Harry, Julie smiled up at Harry.  "Unfortunately, you take me, you get this."  She motioned towards Amanda and Niall.

 

Harry laughed.  "Well, you're worth it.  At least so far."

 

Julie laughed.  "Good to know."  She looked at the spread of food laid out on the counter.  "Well, at least we're eating well."  She looked at Niall.  "Do you ever stop eating?"  She watched him stuff another bite of sandwich into his mouth.

 

"What?  I'm hungry.  Haven't eaten since breakfast."  He said shrugging and taking another bite.

 

"Niall, it's 11 am.  How long ago could breakfast have been?"  Julie asked him sitting in the stool between Niall and Amanda as that's where Amanda decided to place her.

 

"Two hours."  Niall laughed.  "Helluva long time."

 

Julie shook her head.  "If only we could all eat like you and keep your flattering figure."  She said tickling his stomach lightly as he chuckled.

 

"Yeah, I'm lucky like that."  He reached over and kissed her cheek.  "You look good."  He glanced at her.  "Different."

 

"Yeah, it's called, happy."  Julie said.  "Yeah, don't get used to it."  She said as both Niall and Amanda looked at her.  She looked up and saw Harry blush lightly and she smiled.  "What?  I am.  And so far, I'm liking it.  But again, don't get used to it."

 

Harry felt his cheeks get warm when she said she was happy.  He can't quite recall if she'd ever said it before.  It was his goal, to make her happy, but he wasn't sure if she ever admitted it.  He leaned over the counter and kissed her lips.  "Well, I agree with Niall, it looks good on you."  He went and poured her some of her raspberry tea and threw some fresh raspberries in it.  He set it in front of her and then smiled.  "I'm happy too."

 

"Awwwwww."  Amanda said as she rested her elbow on the counter and put her chin in her hand; making googly eyes at both Harry and JJ.  "Isn't that the sweetest thing."

 

Julie rolled her eyes and grabbed a sandwich from the plate in front of her.  "Is there a reason you're here giving me a hard time before I've even eaten anything?"  She asked Amanda.

 

"I need your help."  Amanda whined.  "Niall's no help!"  When Niall protested she just shrugged and continued.  "Look, I'm happy to get what I want for the wedding.  Seriously, it's great.  But sometimes I need more than a, 'whatever you want dear'.  I need someone to tell me 'that's a little over the top, don't you think'.  And Niall won't do it EVER.  No matter how crazy my request is."

 

Julie laughed.  "Ah, so you did test him."

 

Niall gasped shocked.  "So, those requests were testing me?  How did I not see that?"  He shook his head.  "Even you aren't that crazy."

 

Julie and Harry both tried to hide their laughter but were unsuccessful when Niall said that to Amanda.Julie recovered first.  "Uh, Niall, so, yeah, maybe I will take Amanda, and our lunch outside, and talk to her, about her, uh, crazy."  She grabbed her plate and Amanda's hand and pushed her towards the patio and then grabbed her glass.  "Oh, come on, don't be mad at him.  You know what he meant."  She set her plate down across from Amanda.  She walked back in and grabbed Amanda's food and drink and set it down in front of her.

 

"Oh, he's going to get it."  Amanda said shaking her head.  She pulled a couple of books out of her bag and set them on the table.  "Ok, I do need your help, but first tell me about this."  She motioned towards Harry's house knowing JJ would know what she was talking about.

 

Julie shrugged and took a bite of her sandwich.  She thought about it as she chewed.  "Yeah, I don't know.  But it all seems right.  We have a lot to get through.  But right now, we're just enjoying the time we have together.  Things won't be perfect, I'm sure.  But it feels right."

 

Amanda watched Julie eat some more of her sandwich.  She was trying to figure it out.  She knew, and had heard JJ was trying to be more open, more honest, and live a little more in the now; but she wondered how she was truly doing with all this.  How actually giving Harry another chance was really sitting with her.

 

"Ok, Panda, you can stop trying to read me now."  Julie said finishing her sandwich.  "I'm good.  No matter how much I've tried to deny it, I've never stopped loving him, or wondering what we could have had if we wouldn't have broken up.  I don't know, and he doesn't know, how it's going to go.  No one does, but for now.  It's good."

 

"Yeah, ok, I get that.  Are you ever coming home again?"  Amanda asked.  She was happy for JJ and Harry.  Seriously.  She wanted to see her two friends happy and if that was back with each other, then that's what she wanted to see.  But to jump right in to living together.  Seemed a bit much.  JJ wouldn't even consider living with him the last time they were together.  Now just seemed so fast.

 

"Yes, Amanda.  I do.  We've just been taking some time to talk and get to know each other again.  There's a lot we don't know about each other.  Things that have happened during the time we were apart that we hadn't yet shared with each other.  Things are familiar yet at the same time, new.  We've both changed quite a bit over the past year or so.  We've grown.  Him possibly more than me.  But what I've learned, is that I have to give it my all.  I can't hold back because I'm uncomfortable.  It may be the hardest thing, but I'm trying."

 

Amanda shook her head.  "You don't give yourself enough credit.  Ever.  Like you haven't grown.  Like you haven't changed a lot to get back to this place.  I know it wasn't easy for you to give him another chance.  I know how hard it was for you to forgive him for breaking your trust.  I know that was the hardest thing."

 

"Yeah, it was, and it is.  And I'm not saying I trust him completely yet.  But I'm honest with him about that.  I can't just seem to move on completely from it."  Julie took a deep breath.  "Ok, enough breaking down my relationship.  Show me the wedding things.  Let's do this."

 

Amanda knew she was changing the subject to avoid the serious discussion, but she'd allow it, for now.  She did have a lot of wedding details to go over with JJ.  She smiled and opened the first book.  She went through every detail.  She laughed a lot at the looks JJ gave her.  Yeah, ok so some of her ideas were a bit over the top.  But she was sure between her and JJ they would get them just right.

 

Niall and Harry were sitting watching some sports channel while the girls were on the patio.  They were out there a couple of hours already.  Niall finally looked at Harry.  "So, things are good then, mate?"

 

Harry laughed.  "Surprised you lasted this long before asking.  Yeah, they're good.  We've had time to talk, time to relax, time to get closer.  She's been sassy and sarcastic and has been giving a run for my money the entire time.  And it's the best thing ever."

 

Niall chuckled.  "You did always seem to love that about her.  Before you guys got back together I had to listen to Amanda go through lists of pros and cons as to why JJ should or shouldn't get back with you.  Oh, lord that girl."

 

Harry shook his head.  "Well what won?  Pros or cons?"

 

"I'm thinking the one con she wasn't able to move past was you breaking JJ's heart."  Niall shrugged.  "But I knew you had it in you to come around."

 

"Yeah, thanks for the faith.  I don't know.  All I know is right now, we're back together and that's all that matters.  She did forgive me.  She may not be able to forget, and we may still have to work on getting back to the trust completely but we're good.  She's my sassy mouthed, smart, beautiful, talented and real girlfriend."

 

"You better remember that, always."  Julie said as her and Amanda walked in the patio door."Especially that you love the sass."  She leaned down over the back of the couch next to him and kissed him.  "Sometimes I think you may forget that part."

 

Harry smiled and kissed her back.  "Never.  It's one of my favorite parts.  It's when I know you still love me."  He reached up and pulled her over the couch and onto his lap.  "Are you two done spending Niall's money yet?"  He asked.

 

"Hey!  It's my money too."  Amanda said.  "I mean, I do contribute.  Some."  She laughed.  "But yeah, ok fine, we're done for now.  Although, I think JJ may have saved Niall some money.  You know how she simplifies things.  She's so good for my soul."

 

"I may be better for Niall's pocket book."  Julie said wrapping her arms around Harry's neck as she settled on his lap.

 

"Well, I do need someone to look out for me."  Niall said.  He looked up at Amanda.  "Ready to go?"

 

"Already?"  Amanda pouted.  "But I've just seen her for a few hours."

 

Niall laughed.  "Sorry, love.  I have that meeting tonight.  And you were coming with me, remember?  So, I can show you off?"

 

"Ah, right, the trophy fiancée.  My work is never done."  Amanda said.  She walked over and sat on JJ's lap who was still sitting on Harry's.  "We need to get together more, so if you could hurry up with getting back to wherever it is you two need to be so that you can come home, I would appreciate it."  She kissed JJ's cheek and then kissed Harry's.  "You still have to share, Harry.  Stop being so damn selfish."

 

"Sorry, Amanda.  I just can't seem to help it."  Harry told her wrapping his arms tighter around Julie's waist.

 

"Yeah, we're still working on his selfishness.  He's admitted it, now we're working on him dealing with it.  For the sake of our relationship."  She said.  She moved a piece of hair from his forehead.  "Although, I'm not sure I'm quite ready to come home just yet.  I'm quite enjoying my time."

 

Amanda sighed.  "I don't like you being like a normal girl."  She laughed as JJ pushed her off of her and onto the floor.  "Ouch!  Bitch!"  She laughed harder.

 

"Yeah, well you deserved it, bitch."  Julie said shaking her head.  She pushed Amanda with her foot.  "Panda, you're being awful mean."

 

"Oh, you know it's because I love you."  Amanda got up and grabbed Niall's hand.  "See, and now Niall's going to get me out of here so I don't get in anymore trouble."  She watched Harry and JJ get up and walk towards the door to see them out.  "I'm happy for you guys.  But I'm coming for my best friend.  Love you!"  She walked out with Niall.

 

Julie shook her head and looked up at Harry.  "Yeah, so, that was interesting."

 

"Yeah, no kidding.  She scares me.  But, I don't want to let you go yet so I can deal with it."  He wrapped his arms around her waist.  "So how was wedding planning?"

 

"It was great.  And it reminded me why I never want to have a big wedding."  She said.

 

"Wait?  What?  You don't want a big wedding?"  Harry asked.  How did he not know that?

 

"Oh, come on, we don't have to talk about this now."  She said.  "They are getting married, not us.  If it ever happens where I have to worry about it, then I'm sure I will find what's right for both me and whoever I decide to marry."

 

Harry stared at her.  "Well, someday I'm hoping we get to talk about it."

 

"Well, that someday isn't today."  Julie said patting his chest.

 

Harry sighed.  She was right, they'd been back together for three days, but damn it.  It was something he'd never even thought to ask.  He was getting way ahead of himself.  This is when he needed to learn to reign himself in.  "You're right."  He walked and sat on the couch pulling her back onto his lap.

 

"Ok, so after my shower, I got a phone call."  She looked at him.  "And, uh, I have to go to a writing seminar in Northern California."

 

"Really?  That sounds good.  Going to be learning anything fun?"  He asked.

 

"Uh, yeah, lots, actually.  Cuz it's more than one day."  She said looking at him.

 

"Really?  Like how many days?  And when?"  He asked lacing his fingers together while his arms remained wrapped around her waist.

 

"I leave Sunday night.  And it goes that whole week.  We come back Friday night."  She said.  She sighed when his smile dropped.

 

"That's soon."  He said looking in her eyes.  "And that's long.  And who's we?"

 

"It's only 5 days Harry.  But yes, it's soon.  It was a last-minute decision.  The whole writing group is going."  She said.  "It's a good opportunity, Harry, I have to do it."

 

"I don't want to stop you."  He said letting out a deep breath.  But damn it, that meant Marcus.  He was trying really hard not to be jealous, but he didn't want her to go spend a week with this guy away from him.

 

"Maybe I can come?  Where is it?  San Francisco?"  He asked.  "I can rent us a suite and you can do your writing thing during the day and spend your nights with me."

 

"You can't do that.  First, you have things to do here, and second, I have to concentrate on my writing and making sure I meet the deadlines."  She put her hand on his cheek.  "You have nothing to worry about.  Marcus and I are just friends, he knows about us, he told me to come to you."

 

He closed his eyes and leaned his cheek against her hand.  "I can't help it.  Maybe he is a good guy, but I don't want my girlfriend, who he has feelings for, to be spending a week with him."

 

Julie laughed.  "Harry, there's a whole group, it's not like I'm going to be sharing a hotel room with Marcus.  We'll be together in the group, and then I'll be writing most of our downtime.  Plus, Jaime is there, who is on your side."

 

He looked up into her eyes.  "I'm forever going to be jealous.  I love you, but I understand.  You better call me all the time."

 

"All the time Harry, I promise."  She kissed him and then ran her tongue over his lips until he accepted it and then deepened the kiss.  When she pulled back to him trying to catch his breath she smirked.  "Plus, we still have two days and two nights together.  We can make the most of that."

 

Harry smiled his full dimple smile.  "Oh, be prepared not to wear clothes the full two days."  He laughed out loud when she groaned and threw her head back.  He took the opportunity to attack the front of her neck with his lips.  "We can start now."  When he heard her giggle, he laid her back and climbed over her on the couch.  "Yep, right now."


	49. Chapter 49

Harry sat back on Julie's bed and watched her pack.  Her ride to the seminar was coming in a little over an hour.  He still hated it.  He'd asked her multiple times over the past couple of days if he could at least join her in San Francisco for a couple of nights, but she was firm in telling him that this was something she needed to do on her own.  He knew he should be ok with this.  But Marcus was going to be there, and as grateful as he was for Marcus backing off when Julie had seen him last, he couldn't help but worry just a little.  He and Julie had been back together for just under a week.  There were still things that they were working through.  His trusting her was one of them.  He kept telling himself that he trusted her, but he didn't trust Marcus, but that's exactly what he'd said with Zayn, too.  He really wished he could get this jealousy thing under control.

 

Julie looked at Harry practically sulking on her bad.  "Harry, come on."  She shook her head and walked up to him.  When he put his hands on her hips, she put her hands on the side of his neck.  "It's just a writer's seminar, and you're acting like I'm going on a week's vacation with an ex-boyfriend."

 

"Well, aren't you?"  He pouted.  "Seems like it.  He's going to be there.  With you for five days, while I'm here, alone, in Los Angeles."

 

"First, you're not alone.  You have a lot of people here, and second, you have an album you're to be working on.  Something you've been ready to do for a long time."  She said to him as she kissed his lips.

 

"I know that, but it's just, I don't want you to go.  I thought we'd have more time.  And now all of a sudden this comes out of nowhere?"  He sighed.  He really was pouting.

 

"Do you want to see the reservations?  The brochures?  The emails from my instructor?"  She asked him exasperated.  He really was starting to wear on her with his jealousy and insecurities.

 

Well, damn her, when she put it that way, it sounded horrible.  He sighed and looked up at her.  "No, of course not.  Thanks for pointing out to me how ridiculous I'm being."

 

"That's not exactly what I'm doing.  I've had my moments of irrationality, and we weren't even together.  I understand, but at some point, you have to trust that I came back to you because I love you and I want to be with you.  I had an opportunity to go to Marcus before I came to you.  If I wanted to, I would have then.  I'm not playing games with you.  I love you, very much.  I can't wait to come back to you on Friday night.  So, if you could maybe keep that night free, I would appreciate it."  She said to him.  If he needed to be vulnerable and show his insecurities now, that was ok.  Even if it did start to make her a bit angry.  She understood, as long as he was showing her and not letting it build.

 

"I do."  He pulled her closer and rested his head against her stomach, sighing deeply.  "Sorry, I know I'm getting a little carried away.  I've gotten used to you being in my bed every night.  Not quite sure I wanna know what it's like to try and sleep without you again."

 

"It's going to happen.  Throughout our entire relationship.  So, if you expect it to last a long time, then we're going to be spending a lot of nights apart."  She kissed him again.  "We've got this, babe.  And before you continue to plot and plan, I really don't want you to show up in San Francisco.  I need to do this on my own.  Please."

 

He chuckled.  "Alright, I guess you do still know me.  I will behave and not decide to have something to do in San Francisco this week."  He looked up into her eyes.  "How much time do you have before you leave?"  He asked running his hands up under her shirt and squeezing her waist.  "I wanna show you one more time how much I'm going to miss you."

 

"Oh, my, god."  She exclaimed.  "That's all you've done the entire morning, and afternoon, and right before we came here.  I need to pack."

 

"Yeah, well, I can't help it.  I'm overwhelmed with the thought of not being able to touch your skin for a week.  I missed it for a very long time.  And now that I've got it back I'm not ready to let it go.  You're like my drug.  I need it.  All the time."  He ran his hands around her back and up to the clasp of her bra.

 

"You and your addictive personality."  She stopped his hands and gave him a kiss on the forehead.  "I have to pack.  If I get packed, and there's still time, then MAYBE, I will let you touch my skin one more time."  She went back to her suitcase.

 

"Ugh, I will not survive five whole days without you."  He dramatically fell onto his back on her bed.  Arms spread straight out to his sides and staring at the ceiling.

 

Julie shook her head and rolled her eyes.  "You are still SUCH a drama queen.  How did you even play a soldier, instead of a fairy princess?"  She took one of her shirts and threw it at him.  "Here you can put this on your pillow and smell me every night.  Might be a little stinky though, it's one I haven't washed since I wore it at your house."

 

He took the shirt and held it up to his nose.  "It smells like a combination of raspberry and green apple.  I hope you never decide to change your body wash and shampoo.  If you do, I may have a heart attack."

 

"Really?  I may do it just on principle now.  I mean, are we going to spend the rest of the time I'm here in a dramatic temper tantrum?"  She asked zipping her suit case and going into the bathroom to get her bathroom bag.

 

"I'm not throwing a temper tantrum, but I could, if it would work.  Would it get you to stay?"  He asked rolling onto his side and resting his head on his hand.

 

"No.  Now cut it out."  She said.  She finished packing and set everything by the door.  "Stop trying to make me feel guilty for doing this.  I want to do it.  It's important."

 

"Ok, ok, sorry, I don't want to make you feel guilty."  He stood up off the bed and walked up to her.  "Are you done packing?  Do you have some extra time?"

 

She turned towards him and put her hands on his chest.  "A little.  Marcus and Jaime should be here soon."

 

Harry closed his eyes as he wrapped his arms around her.  Marcus.  He wasn't sure he'd ever hear that name without feeling a bit jealous.  "Let me carry your bags to the door.  Then can we just chill together until you leave?  Let me hold you?"

 

She reached up and kissed his lips.  "I thought you wanted all over my skin."

 

"Always."  He chuckled.  "I'm going to miss you."  He reluctantly let her go and then grabbed her bags carrying them to the door.  He came back and pulled her onto his lap as he sat on the couch.  "I'm going to miss more than your skin when you're gone."

 

"Oh, you've done it before.  Even when we first got together, we were apart a lot.  I'm sure you're going to be able to live."  She said as she laid her head in that spot in between his neck and his shoulder.

 

"Yeah, I know, but this is different.  We've got a lot of time to make up for."  He held her tighter and closed his eyes.

 

"We can't make up for the time that we missed together.  We both experienced other things during that time, and it worked for us.  You know it.  Maybe it sucked, but it was part of our growing, part of our learning."  She rubbed the side of his neck and her thumb over his jawline.

 

"I know, but it's hard to think being apart for so long is a good thing."  He opened his eyes and pulled back a little from her.  "But whatever, we're together.  At least for another fifteen minutes or so."

 

She shook her head and chuckled.  "You act like when I leave we're breaking up.  I'm going to a seminar.  One that's going to help my career.  I'm not running off and leaving you forever.  Although if you don't stop acting like it, it may seem like the better option."

 

"Ouch, woman.  Don't be mean."  He kissed her lips.  "I know, honestly.  I know this could help your writing, and your confidence, and your career.  I'll stop being a pouty brat now."

 

"Good.  Thank you."  She put her hand on the side of his face.  "We could act like some teenagers and have an impromptu make out session before I leave."  She laughed when he smiled.  "I mean I do like those lips."  She watched him lick over his lips.  "So, that means, yes?"

 

"Oh, yes."  He said as he moved his lips to hers and moved them slowly together.  He hands instinctively roamed over her back and under her shirt so he could touch her skin and pulled her closer to him.

 

She wrinkled her nose and pulled back from him after a few minutes.  "I knew you'd involve the skin one way or another."  She laughed when he kissed her nose. 

 

"Yeah, well that's just how it is."  He kissed her lips again and then kissed her deeper when he heard the doorbell.  He held her tighter and kissed her hard.  He felt her hands on his chest as she was pushing him away and reluctantly broke the kiss.

 

"Harry," she shook her head and chuckled, "you really need to work on your selfishness while I'm gone."

 

"Never when it comes to you.  I'm always going to be selfish when it's about you, and your lips, and skin, and well, everything."  He said as he got up.  He walked with her towards the door and put his arm around her waist when she opened it to show Marcus and Jaime.

 

Julie rolled her eyes when Harry's arm wrapped snuggly around her waist as she opened the door.  She took the coffee Marcus offered to her and hugged Jaime the best she could and let him kiss her cheek.  "My saviors, always driving me around."  She said.  "But I'm surprised to see the two of you together.  Isn't anyone else driving up with us?"

 

"No," Marcus said.  "The other three from our group are going together."  He looked over at Harry.  "You must be Harry, I'm Marcus.  I saw you at Julie's birthday party, but I didn't get to introduce myself."

 

Harry shook his hand.  Guess now was going to test his jealousy.  Whether or not he could control it.  "Hey, nice to meet you, Marcus.  Yeah, I saw you there, too, but it was kind of crazy and busy."  They all stood there in awkward silence.

 

"Well, we could all stand here awkwardly, or we could grab my bags and get going.  It's a long enough drive especially in the dark."  Julie said looking between the three guys.  She'd never dreamed she'd be here.  "I mean, even Jaime's quiet.  And so that must really make this awkward."

 

"No, no, no."  Jaime said shaking his head.  "I'm just staring at Harry.  Wondering how the blue-eyed brunette ended up with him instead of me."  He bit the tip of his finger and looked Harry up and down.

 

"Yeah, thanks for making this LESS awkward, Jaime."  Julie said rolling her eyes.  She watched both Marcus and Harry grab for her bags at the same time.  Oh Jesus.

 

"Oh, sorry."  Marcus said pulling his hand back.  "I, uh, just wanted to help."

 

"Yeah, it's ok."  Harry said.  It wasn't really.  He wanted to ask the guy what he was thinking.  He internally rolled his eyes.  Yeah, smooth Styles, the guy just wanted to help with her bags.  "I've got it though."  He looked at the keys in Marcus' hand.  "So, you wanna open the trunk for me?"  He asked nodding at Marcus to go with him.  He could try and show Julie he could be ok with this.  He carried the bags down the steps and to Marcus' car.

 

Jaime raised his eyebrows at Julie.  "So, uh, JJ, maybe you should have gotten rid of Harry before we got here?  I mean, you know I'm not uncomfortable much, but this is awks."

 

"Shut up, Jaime.  What did you want me to do?  Oh, Harry, I know you're my boyfriend again, but the guy I was seeing, sort of, while we were apart is coming to get me.  So, maybe you can go before he gets here?"  Julie rolled her eyes and grabbed her purse.

 

"Well, ok, maybe not quite like that, I forgot you can't be subtle in anything."  He said as he walked out the door with her.

 

"Oh, really now?  You're talking to me about subtlety?  I'm not even sure you know the definition of that word."  She shook her head.  "I mean, look at your outfit.  You scream notice me."

 

"Well, we're not talking about me and being noticed.  I could be subtle if I wanted."  Jaime watched her raise her eyebrows at him and then he laughed.  "I can to be.  Please, and I thought you knew me."  He then watched her raise one eyebrow and squint her eyes at him.  "Ok, fine, I'm not subtle.  But I'm one of a kind.  You should be able to be."

 

"I wasn't telling my boyfriend to leave.  They are both going to have to get used to it.  Marcus knows I'm with Harry.  He encouraged it.  And Harry knows I appreciate how Marcus was there for me and that he's still in the writing group."  She said as they stopped just shy of the car.

 

"Yeah, and they are both jealous as hell, silly girl."  Jaime said shaking his head.  "You just refuse to see the fact that two guys are actually interested.  Open your eyes, sweet cheeks."  He walked over and opened the back door of the car.  He looked at Julie and then walked and opened up the front door.  Ok, so yeah, maybe it wouldn't be smart to put JJ in the front with Marcus in front of Harry.  Oh, how he would like to be JJ right now.  Two hot guys and only one of him.  He chuckled as he got in the car.  "Hurry up and say goodbye to McDreamy.  We have a long drive ahead of us."

 

Julie shook her head and rolled her eyes again.  "I'm surprised my eyes don't get stuck in a permanent eyeroll when he's around."  She walked up to Harry and stood on her toes to hug him better when he wrapped his arms around her waist and bent down to hug her.  She watched over Harry's shoulder as Marcus looked away and turned to get into the car.  "So, I'll call you when we get there.  And I will see you Friday night?"

 

Harry took a deep breath and then squeezed her tighter.  He pulled back slightly and rested his hands on her hips as he looked her in the eyes.  "Friday night, seems SO far away.  I've already told Jeff that he'd better find something to keep me busy."  He leaned down and kissed her lips.  "I love you, and I'm going to miss you like crazy."  He kissed her again and then hugged her tight again.

 

"I love you, too."  She told him.  "And I'm going to miss you, too.  It will go fast."  She hugged him and then stepped back.  "So, I'll talk to you in about five hours, and see you in five days."

 

Harry took a breath and forced a smile.  "Alright baby, be brilliant like I know you can."  He put his hand on the door as she climbed in the backseat and then bent down and kissed her one more time.  "Love you."  He stood back up and shut the door after she said 'love you too'.  He took a few steps back and waved as Marcus drove out of the driveway.  He turned and went back into Niall's house.  He went to Julie's room and grabbed her shirt, fell back on her bed and put it over his face taking a deep breath.  Ok, so he could deal without her for five days.  But the idea of her being with Marcus was what was killing him.  And Marcus being such a great guy made it that much harder.  Maybe he could just stay here in her bed until she got back.  He laughed at himself and then got up.  He locked up and went home.  Jeff seriously better come through and find a way to keep him busy this week.

 

The first bit of the drive was quiet.  Just soft music playing from the radio.  It seemed a bit tense, a little awkward.  Julie leaned up between the seats.  "Look, I know that you two aren't the best of friends, but it's a long drive.  Can you pretend for me?"

 

Jaime feigned hurt and put his hand over his heart.  "You'd be happy to know, that with you MIA so much lately playing house with Super Star, Marcus and I have had no choice but to become closer.  And I have to admit, I kind of like his company."

 

Marcus chuckled.  "Yeah, it hasn't been so bad hanging out with him.  We sort of had to talk since we didn't have you as our buffer."

 

"Me?  A buffer?"  She laughed and sat back some.  "I'm not sure a buffer is what I would call it.  I mean, I think I did a lot of moaning and groaning at how impossible the two of you were.  Like we were supposed to work together, but it was like me working with each of you individually.  So, all it took was me getting a boyfriend to get you two to get along?"

 

"Well, I mean, I guess I wouldn't quite say that."  Marcus said staring at the road.  "I mean, there are other ways.  But your absence did kind of force the issue.  I'm hoping though that you do come back to work with our group at some point.  You're not quitting the program, are you?"

 

"Well, if I were, do you think I'd be on this nice, fun car ride with the two of you?"  She sighed.  "I just needed some time.  Things were complicated.  You knew that.  I wrote some.  I just didn't come to all the meetings."

 

"You mean, none of the meetings, don't you?"  Jaime said to her.  "You didn't come to one."

 

"Oh, for crying out loud.  It's been a week."  Julie said.

 

"No, longer than that."  Jaime said.  "Don't pretend.  Maybe you and he weren't back together, but you haven't been to a meeting since before your birthday.  So, it's been a month."

 

"But I've always gotten my contributions in."  She countered.  "Are we going to give me hell the entire ride to San Francisco?  Because I'd rather be riding with the girls and listening to girl talk, than this."

 

"Liar."  Jaime said.  "You're horrible at girl talk."

 

"Well, I mean, last I checked I was a girl, so I figure I must sort of be ok at it."  She said taking a drink of her coffee.  "I'm going to need a lot more coffee if this is how the next four hours are going to go."

 

"You're right; you never left us to finish the projects.  It just would have been nice to have you there in the meetings instead of filling you in later."  Marcus looked into the review mirror at her.  "I told you I wanted you to be happy, and I meant it.  But I want to make sure that he isn't the ONLY thing you're happy with.  You're good at this writing thing.  I don't want you to think you can't do it as well as be with him."

 

"He'd never ask me to quit writing.  He's always encouraged it.  Even when he didn't even know what I was writing."  She said leaning back against the seat.  "We're not going to analyze my relationship now, are we?"

 

"No, of course not."  Marcus said.  "Are you going to show him what you've been writing now?"

 

"I never thought about it.  It's for the program.  I mean, I never thought I'd show anyone."  She shrugged.  "I seem to recall certain people, who may or may not be in this car, telling me I think about things too much, and maybe I should live in the moment a little bit more.  So, I will decide in the moment."  She watched as they both shook their heads and looked at each other with the same look.  "Yeah, maybe I don't like the two of you being such good friends.  I definitely don't need the both of you ganging up on me and agreeing with each other and giving me a hard time.  Let's go back to the awkward silence for the next four hours."

 

Both Marcus and Jaime chuckled, and then Jaime turned up the radio.  "Road trip karaoke sounds much better!"  He started singing and bopping to the beat until it was contagious and had both Julie and Marcus joining in on every song.

 

One of the next chapters is going to be a mature type chapter.I've never set a chapter to private before but the one after the next or the next may be.It's still up in the air I'm still figuring out the best next chapter....If it is, I believe you have to be following me to read it.I haven't decided for sure yet, but you may wanna follow just in case.


	50. Chapter 50

Rated M for MATURE like REALLY MATURE

 

Harry woke up from a long nap, and discovered it was already evening.  He'd gone out the night before, which was Wednesday night, and didn't come home until sometime early this morning.  It had been quite the night.  He had to find a way to keep his mind occupied until Friday night when Julie got home.  He talked to her every day, and every night, but it wasn't enough.  Especially when a lot of those phone calls were interrupted by Marcus telling her they were either going to lunch or dinner or to the seminar.  It was driving him absolutely insane.  He had controlled what came out of his mouth and his actions, but he couldn't control the thoughts in his head when he heard Marcus's voice.  And the dream he'd been having before he woke up just now, well the predicament he found himself in he wanted her here to fix.  He wanted to wake up and roll over and make love to her.  The things she was doing to him in his dream.  He groaned trying to push the thoughts away and pushed himself up and out of bed.

 

He grabbed his swim trunks and threw them on.  He would go sit in the hot tub and maybe that would help him relax.  In more than one way.  Maybe it would help shrink his ever-growing problem. And maybe it would help work out the rest of his hangover.  He may not have drunk often, but last night he had definitely overdone it.  He felt rough.  He turned on the path lights outside that led to the pool and the hot tub.  It was dark, and he wanted to keep it that way.  He grabbed a towel and set it next to the hot tub and climbed in.  He sank down onto the bench and leaned his head back closing his eyes.  The warm water did feel good on his tense muscles.  He then made the mistake of opening his eyes and seeing the pool.  But not only did he see the empty pool, he remembered what he and Julie had done in that pool a week ago.  So, there went the goal of shrinking his problem.

 

He shook his head trying to shake the vision of her body, and their pleasure from that night, but it wasn't working.  He looked down at his shorts which were now tight and standing at attention.  There was no way he was going to be able to wait until tomorrow night for her to help him relieve the tension.  It was dark, he was in his fenced in private back yard, and he was completely alone.  He removed his shorts and set them aside and wrapped his hand around himself.  Once he started to stroke himself to relieve a little pressure, he leaned his head back, closed his eyes, bit his bottom lip and groaned.  This wasn't the way he wanted to deal with this, but between the dream, and the visualization of the scene they'd had on the pool, he needed some relief.  He could visualize her here with him now.

 

He thought about how good her small hand would feel wrapped around him.  How she always started out with the sweet torture before giving him a bit more relief.  So, he stroked himself slowly at first.  He then thought about her lips wrapped around his tip.  She wasn't able to take him fully into her mouth so she always stroked the bottom of his length with her hand as she sucked on the top.  He groaned louder when he pictured that clearly.  Feeling her tongue work over his tip.  He took his thumb and rubbed over it to mimic her tongue.  It wasn't the same, but visualizing was working better than he'd thought.  He started stroking harder and faster when he thought about hitting the back of her throat over and over again.  "Oh, god, baby."  He said as his pace quickened.  His hand creating that friction he needed to bring him even higher.

 

"Shit."  He said as his hand worked faster and his hips moved with his hand.  He got up on his knees and steadied himself against the side of the hot tub with his other hand, dropping his head as he thought about taking her from behind.  How good she would feel wrapped tightly around him as he fucked her all night.  "Fuck!"  He said a bit loudly as his high built to the tipping point.  A few more hard strokes of his hand, and he exploded into the hot water.  He continued to stroke himself until he rode out his high, and then sat back on the bench.  He was still picturing her all over him so he hadn't yet opened his eyes.  He jumped when he heard a voice behind him.

 

"Well, if you don't need me for that anymore, maybe I should just go."  Julie said trying to keep the humor out of her voice.  She had come home early.  Friday's speaker had cancelled, and a couple of the girls had decided to drive back tonight.  She couldn't wait to come home to see Harry, so she endured hours of girl talk to get back here to him.  He had given her a key to his place before she'd left so that she could come directly here no matter what time she got back.  She'd never expected to walk in to find him pleasuring himself in the hot tub.  She'd watched for a lot longer than she should have.  It was much more of a turn on than she ever would have thought.  She turned, and before she even took a step, she felt a wet arm wrapped around her waist and she was in the hot tub, fully clothed, up against his naked body.  "Harry!"  She laughed.  She pushed her hair out of her face and looked at him.  She swore she saw a slight blush creep into his cheeks.  Or maybe it was the flush for making himself feel like that.

 

"Am I dreaming?  What are you doing here?"  He asked as he sat her on his lap facing him, her legs straddling him.  The waves of the hot tub forcing her clothed middle to rub over him. He realized quickly that his relief wasn't going to last very long, but if she was really here, he could solve that predicament easily enough.  "I can't believe you're here.  It is only Thursday, right?  I didn't sleep a day away, did I?"

 

"Well, talking to you last night, and then this morning, I'm pretty sure it would have been possible.  You were in rare form."  She said as she cupped his cheek.  "Friday's speaker cancelled, so a few girls decided to come home early.  I wanted to see you so I asked to come with.  And I endured hours of girl talk to get here."

 

"Yeah.  Sorry about last night, and this morning.  I've needed to stay busy.  I was missing you and going crazy.  I'm so very sorry you had to endure girl talk."  He said rolling his eyes and chuckling.  "And, uh, sorry about what you walked in on." He blushed.  He was actually feeling a bit embarrassed over what she'd seen.  "I, just, yeah, well I'm sure you could figure it out."

 

She giggled as he stumbled over his words.  "Yeah, whatever you were thinking about seemed to do something for you.  Must have been good thoughts."

 

"You know damn well it was you I was thinking of."  He lifted his embarrassed face and looked into her eyes.  "I was dreaming of you first and woke up, umm, uncomfortable.  And you weren't here to help.  So, I thought I'd relax and relieve some tension in the hot tub, and I looked at the pool and remembered the last time we were in it together.  It definitely did not relieve the tension.  It only made it worse.  I REALLY wanted you here, but I needed to do something, so I just visualized you all over me, like in my dream.  And well, that happened.  How long were you there?"  He was rambling, and he knew it.  "Ok, now I'm really embarrassed."

 

She laughed.  "You're so cute when you're embarrassed.  It's usually me.  You don't embarrass that easy.  I kind of like it."  She smiled and raised a hand to his cheek.  "I was here long enough.  You seemed kinda into it.  I didn't want to disturb you."

 

"Oh, you should have, damn it.  Plus, you would have felt much better helping me out.  Definitely not the same when I have to do it myself."  He teased back.  He tried to shake off his embarrassment.

 

"You seemed to know exactly what you wanted and needed."  She raised her eyebrows at him.  "I'm curious as to what exactly you were thinking, though.  Especially at the end there.  You seemed to be enjoying whatever thought that was."

 

"Oh, Jesus Christ."  He said as he blushed again.  "Yeah, well, I could show you, instead of tell you, because you know it was all about you."

 

"I don't know that.  I can't read your mind.  I definitely could tell the pleasure you were feeling."  She said, this time blushing herself.  "You seemed to have all you needed in your mind and in your hand."  She covered her face with her hands as she blushed even more.  "Ok, maybe we should move on."

 

"Oh, I wanted what was in my mind to be playing out for real."  He said removing her hands from her face.  When she got embarrassed, he somehow moved past his own embarrassment.  "The things you do to me, by just occupying my mind."  He let go of her hands and ran his hands down over her wet tank top and over her breasts peaking through her white top and bra.  "I've never appreciated white so much in my life."  He leaned in and kissed her lips.  "We should start at the beginning so I can show you exactly what I was thinking."

 

"Oh, god.  Why do I feel, that even after being with you in so many ways and so many times, I'm getting in a bit over my head here?"  She asked as she started to feel him grow beneath her.

 

"Well, I'm sure you can feel that my relief didn't last long.  Not with you rubbing over me like that."  He kissed her lips again slowly and then let his eyes wander over her breasts and her body.  Her wet clothes clinging to her body in all the right ways.  "I'm so glad it's a very warm October night.  This outfit looks amazing on you."

 

"Harry, it's a plain white tank with loose cotton shorts.  Like it's seriously the opposite of amazing."  She said as his hands worked the tank top up a little so his hands encircled her waist, his thumbs gently running over her skin just below the water's surface.  She watched him and his eyes never left his hands as he touched her.

 

"Yes, but now, they are perfect."  He looked back over her body seeing the wet thin cotton revealing her panties beneath them.  "But, maybe since they are all wet, we can discard them."  When she didn't move to help take her clothes off, he moved one of his hands over her middle.  "Well, maybe if I start to show you,  you will be more cooperative."  He watched his hand cup and squeezed her middle and felt her jump a little.  "Yeah? You like?"

 

She giggled for a moment and then gasped and groaned when his hand cupped her middle.  "I thought I was doing things to you in your dream.  This doesn't seem like the beginning."

 

"Oh, you forget how much it turns me on when I can make you scream my name."  He said deeply as his eyes wandered back up her body.  "The more you feel the more I want you."  He grabbed her around the waist and lifted her until she put her feet on the bottom of the hot tub standing up.  He pushed her tank top up and worked her wet clingy shorts and panties down her legs.  It was a slow process and watching her become slowly exposed to him was an amazing sight for him.  He couldn't believe he'd woken up from that dream, continued to vision her all over him, and now, she was right here.  Early.  She'd come back to him, early.  His stubborn, set in her ways girlfriend came home early to surprise him.  "Oh, this is going to be a long night."  He watched her eyes move down to his ever-hardening erection.  "Yeah, only you can do that to me, over and over again.  But the way to get it back to the way we need it is to let me hear you scream."  He pushed her back to the side of the hot tub and moved between her legs.  He started out by moving his thumb over her bundle of nerves slowly.  He looked up at her face and watched her eyes roll back into her head.  "Yeah, this is exactly the way."

 

He removed his thumb and replaced it with his mouth swirling his tongue roughly against her as her hips jumped with every twirl.  He sucked and licked down her folds and moved his tongue in and out of her groaning in his own pleasure as her hips started to mimic his movements.  He didn't want to stop tasting her, so he continued to move his tongue inside her and moved his fingers over her swollen pearl.  He took his free hand and wrapped it around his painfully hard shaft.  He was worked up again listening to her moan and feeling her hips move with his tongue.  He felt her stomach clench and her moans increase and knew she was almost there.  He continued to stroke himself slowly for a little relief as he continued to work her hard.  She was taking longer than he'd anticipated, but she looked like she was enjoying the feeling and that was giving him a high he never knew he could have.  Her hips moved around as they both sped up their pace.  And when she grabbed his hair with both her hands and screamed his name louder than he'd heard her before, he smiled into his doing.  Yeah, nothing worked him up more than her feeling this way.  He didn't stop until she pulled hard on his hair to stop him.  He wiped his mouth with his fingers and then licked them.  "I love the way you move, the way you taste."  He smirked at her completely red face.

 

He'd embarrassed her.  She couldn't believe how he could make her feel, how he made her lose control.  No matter how many times he pleased her, he amazed her every time.  She felt things so intensely with him.  "That was, incredible."  She tried to put up her confident façade as she looked at his face.  She leaned forward and kissed his lips and then rubbed her tongue over his.  Remembering how that mouth had just made her feel.  "My body is on fire."  She saw him still continuing to slowly stroke over himself.  "My turn?"  She asked, but before she could reach for him, he took her tank top and removed it over her head.

 

"I said I was going to show you."  He set her on the bench and then moved between her legs again.  He kneeled in front of her and squeezed her breasts hard.  The harder he squeezed the louder she groaned.  "You like that?"  He squeezed and rolled her nipples between his fingers.  "I want you, every second, when you're with me or not.  Sometimes, things pop up at all the wrong times."  He whispered to her before his mouth found her breast.  He nibbled and then sucked her nipple.  He felt her hips move towards him, but before they reached him, she grabbed his cock hard and started moving her hand up and down it in long hard strokes.  "Shit."  She'd caught him off guard, but he couldn't move.  He followed her movements as she got up, turned him around, and set him back on the side of the hot tub.  The feeling of her hand on him was already working him up, but when her mouth joined, he started to go insane.  He had always tried not to be too aggressive with her, but after this past week, and especially today, he couldn't help it.  He tangled his hand in her hair and bucked his hips up towards her mouth as her mouth covered him as much as she could.  He did that multiple times.  The combination of her mouth and her hand did exactly what he expected it to do.  He knew he could work himself back up again and show her what he was thinking about when he released himself earlier, so he let the feeling overtake him until he released into her mouth.  He groaned and called her name.  When she was done, he watched her rinse her mouth off in the hot tub.  "You're fucking incredible."

 

Julie looked at his eyes when she was done pleasing him.  The look in them was so intense.  She still couldn't believe she could make him feel like that.  It still was hard to get used too, but the pleasure he seemed to get from it was more than enough to keep her doing it.  She smiled.  "So, is that what I was doing when you got yourself off earlier?"

 

He smirked at her.  "Oh, it started out with things like we just did.  But, no, that's not what I was thinking about."

 

"Oh, well, guess it will have to wait then.  I'm still curious."  She said a bit flustered as she sat next to him on the bench.  "It's hot."  She lifted her hair from her neck.

 

"Oh, we're not waiting."  He said reaching his hand between her legs and moving his fingers over her folds.  He took her hand closest to him and helped wrap her fingers around him.  "You can make me ready again, in no time.  I want to show you what I was feeling, what I wanted to do."  He felt her hesitate but then felt her hand start to move over him.  After a few minutes of both of their slow movements on each other, he felt himself start to harden and her hips start to move with his fingers.  "See, told you."  He let her stroke him until he was completely hard and then grabbed her and kissed her aggressively.  He pulled her to him so their chests were crushed together.  He stood them up and then turned her around placing her hands on the side of the hot tub, urging her onto her knees on the bench.  His hands stayed on her wrists as his eyes wandered over her back and down her ass.  Oh, he was looking forward to this.

 

He removed his hands from hers and let them wander down her back and over her ass squeezing her cheeks.  He leaned over her and kissed her back.  "You ok with this?"  He asked as his hands moved from her ass over her folds and he teased her with a finger.  "This is what I was doing to you when I couldn't control myself anymore."

 

Julie dropped her head when his hands roamed her body.  She felt unsure at first.  Maybe her reluctance would seem weird to most, but all this was new to her, and a bit overwhelming.  But she was also curious.  The only time he had been behind her before was different, and easy.  She had a feeling this would not be.  Not the way he was stroking himself before his release earlier.  "I'm ok."  She mumbled as she groaned when his finger entered her.

 

Harry smirked.  He had thought about this before with her, but never wanted to scare her.  He took his tip and ran it down her ass before lining himself up with her entrance.  He put a hand on each side of her hips as he pulled her back onto him, thrusting into her hard.  He groaned loudly as he fully sunk into her filling her out.  He pulled out slowly, and moved into her again fully.  He felt himself hit the back of her.  He started slowly until she got used to the movement and the feeling.  He heard her suck in her breath a couple of times so he wanted to make sure he wasn't hurting her.  When he felt her start to relax, he started moving harder but still slowly.  He took one hand and tangled it in her hair as he continued to shove into her fully.  It felt exactly how he expected it to.  They fit together perfectly.  He pulled her hair and tilted her head to the side as he bent down and attacked her neck.  He whispered into her neck.  "It feels better than I imagined."  He moved to her lips and kissed her as he continued to move into her.  He gasped when she bit his bottom lip hard.  He growled when she did.  "You like it, don't you?"

 

She was once again caught off guard when he entered her roughly.  He moved slowly at first, and she wasn't quite sure about the feeling.  But just like every other time, she learned to love it quickly.  It felt different, but oh so good.  She didn't know she would like it so aggressive this way.  When he whispered into her neck and then kissed her, she wanted to show him how much she was enjoying the feeling.  She clamped her teeth down on his bottom lip and pulled gently.  When she did, he growled which turned her on even more.  His movements intensified, and she felt her high start to rise.  "Don't stop."  She managed to say even though she could barely breathe.

 

When he heard a weak 'don't stop' come from her, he tangled his other hand in her hair and couldn't hold back.  He hit her harder over and over again until she screamed his name and dropped to her elbows.  A few more thrusts and he released himself moving hard until he couldn't anymore.  He collapsed down on her back as he tried to catch his breath.  After a few moments, he gathered himself and laid soft kisses down her back before pulling out of her completely and sitting on the bench, pulling her into his lap.  "Wow.  Just, wow.  I woke up this morning frustrated that you weren't here.  And trying to visualize my pleasure, to it being even better than I could imagine.  That's what I was doing to you when I lost control myself earlier, but it was so much better than I even imagined."  He kissed her lips tenderly before she rested her head on his shoulder.

 

"Well, I came home expecting to enjoy some time together.  But never imagined this."  She sighed as she started to catch her breath.  The things this man did to her body.  Her body was burning though, and the hot tub wasn't helping.  "But, I'm way too hot right now."  She said as she got up.

 

"Well, what are you going to do?"  He asked.  He watched her shrug and smile at him and then get out of the hot tub and go straight for the pool.  She never stopped before she jumped in.  He watched her naked body retreat from him, disappear for a moment, and then she slowly surfaced and came over to the edge, leaning her arms on the side of the pool and her chin on her hands.  "Well, then."  He laughed.

 

"Soooooo much cooler in here."  She grinned happily as she looked over at him.  She was glad she'd come back early.  She hadn't realized how much she would miss him.

 

Harry smirked and then got up out of the hot tub and jumped over her and into the water.  The cool water was a bit of a shock to his body.  He didn't quite realize how hot he'd been until the cool water touched his skin.  He surfaced and swam up behind her.  "Yeah, feels good."  He rubbed his body up against her back.  "But now you need to warm me up again."  He smirked as he kissed her neck.

 

Julie groaned as he attacked her again in the pool.  But before she knew it, they were coming down from another high.  She managed to get him out of the pool and up to his room so they could shower, but before they even made it into the bathroom he took her again, on the bed.  Telling her he needed to show her everything he'd dreamed of doing while she was gone. The man was insatiable, but she didn't mind. They finally managed to get in the shower, and one more time he surprised her with yet another intense orgasm.  Afterwards they finally collapsed into bed.

 

"Harry."  Julie said to him as she lay on his shoulder.  "If you don't leave me alone now, I'm going to sleep in the spare room.  I'm exhausted.  And you are WAY too much for me."

 

Harry tightened his arm around her and laughed.  "You're not leaving me.  But I suppose I can give you a bit of a break.  But I'm looking forward to waking up from my dream and getting the best satisfaction there is."  He chuckled at her deep groan.  "I love you, Julie.  I'm so glad to have you home.  And not only because of what we did in the hot tub, and the pool, and the bed, and the shower."  He laughed as she whined his name.  "Sleep well, my love."  He kissed her lips.  He smiled when she said 'I love you, too' and then held her closely to him.  He watched her fall asleep quickly and gave himself a mental pat on the back for wearing her out so much.  Sleep still came hard for her.  After staring at her for awhile he finally fell asleep with a smile on his face.


	51. Chapter 51

Harry woke up in the morning and reached over for Julie.He opened his eyes when his arms came up empty.He groaned and looked at the clock.It was still early.What was that woman doing out of bed, after the night they'd had, at 7 am?He pushed himself out of bed and into the bathroom.He turned on the shower and stepped in to wake himself up before he went and found out what she was doing.He threw on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt and wandered downstairs.He smiled as he walked into the kitchen and saw her sitting on the counter swinging her legs eating out of the jar of peanut butter."Good Morning."He said as he walked to the fridge and grabbed a water and a yogurt."You're up awful early."

 

"Yeah, couldn't sleep.And I was hungry."She said holding up the spoon and then licking the peanut butter off of it.

 

"Well, we do have more than a jar of peanut butter for you to eat."He went and took the jar and looked at it."Plus, you have the wrong kind, what's with the smooth?Chunky is best."

 

"How are we even together?"She asked stealing the jar back and wrinkling her eyebrows.She shook her head and took another spoonful."That's total blasphemy.There should not be bits and pieces in my peanut butter.You are wrong, again."

 

Harry chuckled."Well, I've been known to be wrong a lot, especially when it's you saying it, but I'm not wrong."He walked up backwards between her legs and leaned back against her."And we're together because at least I know you will never steal my peanut butter."

 

"True."She rested her chin on his shoulder."I guess that's a very good reason.I can keep my hands off your nuts."She grinned as she said it.

 

Harry laughed and turned his head to look at her."Such a tease.You've been so naughty lately."

 

"What?The peanuts in your peanut butter.For fuck's sake."She said setting the jar of peanut butter and her spoon down.She wrapped her arm around the opposite shoulder from her chin and then her legs around his waist."How come you have a shirt on, by the way?It's just us here.I like watching your tattoos move with your muscles."

 

"Yeah?Well, if that's the case, you could walk around shirtless, too.'Cause I like to watch you move, too."He laughed as she pinched his side.He turned around so he was facing her but still wrapped in her arms and legs.He set his yogurt down."You know, I was supposed to wake up and have you relieve the tension from my dreams.But since you weren't there, maybe I can just work it out right here on the counter."He pulled her hips so that their middles were touching."It is the perfect height."

 

"You are absolutely impossible."She said shaking her head."I'm going to have to cut you off."She said pushing him slightly away, swinging her legs around and jumping off the counter on the other side.

 

"You will not cut me off."He said laughing as he jumped over the counter and grabbed her pulling her to him.He leaned down and kissed her nose."What do you want to do today?Besides me?"He laughed again as she groaned."I'm kidding, I'm kidding, for now anyway."

 

"Not much.I didn't sleep well this past week.I think I just want to be lazy and stare at my handsome boyfriend.If he ever comes over."She teased.

 

"I'm not even going to acknowledge that, smart ass."He said as he interlocked his fingers behind her back."We haven't really talked about it, but I've noticed you've been having dreams again.How long has that been going on?"

 

She sighed."Do we really have to talk about this now?"She looked up at him."Has it really been that bad?I mean, I know I wake up, but I didn't think it was quite as bad as it used to be."

 

"Sometimes it seems worse than others.You don't seem to scream out as much, but I notice you're upset, and very tense."He rubbed her cheek with his thumb."I just thought you were better with those."

 

"I was.I am."She shrugged."I don't know.I mean, I've always had them. They just weren't as intense or as often after therapy.And especially after I confronted Johnny in Vegas. They aren't the same.I'm not so much afraid of what he's going to do to me.Not exactly."She started to get uncomfortable so she turned to remove herself from the confines of Harry's arms.

 

"Then what?And when?"Harry asked her.He followed her to the living room and sat down on the arm of the couch while she walked around and messed with vases and knick knacks and little things she could move around.Her habit of occupying her mind when she was talking about an uncomfortable subject.

 

"They've always been there.They just got easier and less often, especially when you were there with me.I don't even really know what they are about.They're confusing, actually.I've talked about them with my therapist.But I guess until I can figure out what the problem is, why I'm actually having them, they aren't going to get better."She looked over at him."I just seem to be stuck.And no matter which way I try to go, or which choice I make, I'm always stuck.I can't even move."

 

"Stuck where?"He asked running his hand through his hair."And do I make them better this time?"He asked her woefully.

 

"Stuck with no where to go.Sometimes I see you in them, or a version of you, but I can't get to you and then you just move on without me since I can't ever get there."She sighed."Same with Panda, and Niall, and pretty much everyone else in my life. Everyone gets sick of waiting and just turns and moves on without me."She turned back to the shelf with the vases on it and turned them in their spot one by one."Guess it's just imitating my life."

 

"What?You think that we don't want you with us?"He shook his head.He had to remember these were her dreams.Couldn't always take dreams at face value.They weren't always what they seemed."You think everyone's moving forward in life, but you aren't?"He stood up and slowly walked towards her."You think everyone is accomplishing their life, and their dreams and you're just stuck?"He put his arms on her hips."Why would you think that?First, none of us would ever leave you behind.You are a part of our lives.And baby, we just got back together.We're moving forward together as well as in our separate lives."

 

"But it doesn't seem like it."She put her hands on his chest and looked up at him."I'm happy to be here, and in your arms, and back in your life like this.I am.But it seems like I'm still trying to figure out every little piece of my life, and everyone else already knows.And it's hard.I'm older than all of you, except for Marcus.I seem to have NOTHING figured out, while everyone else has."

 

"We're not as put together as you seem to think.And no one should know that better than you."He said."Especially when it comes to me."He stepped back and took her hand and led her to the couch.He sat down against the corner of the couch and pulled her back to him."I'm still trying to figure everything out."

 

"But, not really.You know exactly who you are, what you want to do, what you want to accomplish, and where you belong."She said.

 

"No, I don't."He laughed."You're not as different as you like to think you are.None of us has anything figured out completely.I made a movie recently, which I'd never done before, I just made my first solo album, and I'm proud of it, but it's still a bit scary to put it all out there."

 

"You're not scared.You've waited a long time to do this, and this is what you've always wanted to do.You want it, and you go after it."She shook her head and looked down at his hands; playing with his fingers."We had this talk, in Tahoe the last time.I admire that."

 

"And you're starting, too.Scared or not.You're doing things you never thought you'd do.People are singing your words and wanting you to write for them.You're writing all the time in this program, and you're learning so many things.You took that chance.You're moving forward."He said to her.He hated how much she doubted when it came to herself.She was the first one to encourage others to do what they wanted, to tell them they could accomplish anything they wanted because of how great they were, but when it came to herself, she never believed.He understood it was the circumstances of her past that caused her self-doubt, but he hated it just the same."I want to be there when you realize just how great you are."

 

"Yeah, I'm guessing that will never happen.But I don't want to be anywhere else, or with anyone else.I tried that, but pushing you away was the hardest thing I've ever done.Well, after loving you.Letting you in, and opening myself to you, probably was the hardest thing.But after that, knowing how much I wanted to be loved by you, knowing how much I wanted to be in your arms, trying to ignore my heart was painful.Everything is just so hard."She rubbed her face and then turned and wrapped her arm around his waist and laid her head on his chest.

 

"Yeah, life's not easy.Most of the time, there's no right or wrong answer. It's just the best one at the time."He closed his eyes after kissing her head."I don't want you anywhere else either.Getting you back may have been the hardest thing I've ever done.But it's also the best.See, the harder it is, the more worth it, it is."

 

She shook her head."Yeah, sure."She sighed again and then pulled back a little and looked up at his face."I don't want the dreams.I'm happy.When I gave up fighting you, I pretty much felt the happiness fill my body.From my heart all over." She laid her head back down on his chest."But it's also scary.I guess, I just can't quite fully remove myself from how bad it hurt when we were apart."

 

"It's going to take some time, love."He squeezed his arms tighter around her."I don't expect you to just forget everything that happened.But with time, we'll see how different it can be, how we can still be good for each other.How we have learned and can talk and work things out.Like now, look what we've talked about, and you haven't gotten annoyed with me even once.So much progress."

 

"You wanna know my secret?"She asked him closing her eyes and listening to his soft heartbeat under her ear.

 

"What's that, love?"He asked.

 

"I'm always annoyed with you."She said."Makes it easier."She heard the low chuckle in his chest as she said it.She smiled at how good it felt, how calming his heartbeat was.How relaxed his arms made her feel.

 

"I should have known."He said."When you dream, don't hide it, don't fight it; wake me and let me help you through if I don't wake.Tell me how it makes you feel, what you think it's about.Baby, I'm going to be here for you."

 

"Ok, can we stop talking about it now?"She asked."No need to delve into everything bothering me all at once.First, it would take way too much time, and second, I don't want to think about it anymore today."

 

"Alright babe, lord knows, I don't want you to feel more than a couple of minutes at a time."He chuckled as she shook her head."You're right.We have time."He helped her up and then got up."Let's go make some real breakfast now.Then we can nap, and watch tv or a movie, go for a walk, make dinner, go out to dinner, or whatever we want."

 

"I thought you had things Jeff set up for you today.That's what you said when we talked while I was in San Francisco."She said walking with him to the kitchen.

 

"Yeah, well, I will call them when it's not so early and tell him to cancel.You just got back."He said as he pulled some eggs out of the fridge.

 

"No, don't do that.Go, do your thing.You were going to be here tonight for me anyway, so take care of what you have to today.I will stay here and just do some laundry and write a little."She said pulling herself back up on the counter and grabbing the peanut butter jar again and digging the spoon into it.

 

"But, I don't want to."He whined and then laughed at the scrunched nose look she gave the peanut butter jar."Alright, fine, but only because then I don't have to reschedule and take some other potential time together away.Because he'd make me pay for canceling last minute by scheduling something else." He cracked some eggs in a bowl and then smirked.He wiped his hands on a towel and then took his shirt off and threw it at her."Look, I take my shirt off and you don't even look."

 

Julie moved the shirt from her face and laughed."Geez, give me some time."She set the shirt aside as she saw him pull the apron over his head.She didn't even have a chance to look up before she was hit in the same spot with his shorts."Harry!"She laughed setting them aside and looking at him.The apron was the only thing adorning his body.

 

"What?Freedom.You started it by saying you wanted me shirtless, I figure why stop there; this way I won't get my clothes dirty."He went back to cracking eggs into the bowl to mix for omelettes.He knew she would love a cheese omelette and fruit for breakfast.Maybe some toast with jam, or actually jelly.Her American quirks.

 

"You're way too free."She said checking him out.The apron fell to just above his knees and it covered the whole front of him, but when he turned to the stove, none of his backside was covered.She started to laugh and then put the peanut butter down again."Isn't there quite the breeze right now?"She asked leaning back on her hands and staring at his ass."You've been working out.Got some nice firm butt muscles there."

 

"What?My butt wasn't impressive before?"He asked tightening the muscles as he heard her laugh.Still one of his favorite sounds in the world.

 

"Oh, it was fine.But I like how round it's becoming.My baby got booty."She crooned.

 

This time he laughed out loud."Well, I never thought I'd hear you say that.Especially in that way, but I'm glad you like it.And maybe I will have to work it out some more if it's going to excite you."He said as he turned the burner on and poured the eggs into the small pan.He heard her jump down from the counter and then gasped as he felt her hands squeeze his butt cheeks."Julie!"

 

Julie laughed and then squeezed them again."What?I just wanted to see if I could feel a difference.I like, a lot."She said as she moved her hands around slowly towards his hips.

 

"Woman?What do you think you're doing?"He asked.This was very dangerous.She was distracting him, and he was literally playing with fire.

 

"Seeing how well your concentration skills are.We have to make sure you're not easily distracted being that you're going to be doing a lot of interviews and promo and shows.Gotta be on your game.Especially when they ask you all those personal questions.So, stay focused on not burning my breakfast."She said as she slowly ran her fingers under the side of the apron.

 

Harry groaned as he grabbed the spatula in order to flip the omelette."Yeah, there's no way I'm going to pass this test.Why are you being mean?Especially when you told me no before, and that you were cutting me off?"

 

"I said I was cutting you off, I didn't say I was cutting me off."She said as she placed a soft kiss on his back."You know, maybe you should consider getting a tattoo back here."She said placing another soft kiss on his shoulder blade."Maybe here." She placed another kiss on the other shoulder blade."Or here." She continued over a few different places.

 

"Yeah?"He asked clearing his throat.Her hands were ever so slowly getting closer to the front of him under that apron and he was already having a hard time staying steady.He guessed it was his fault for throwing his clothes at her and walking around the kitchen naked, but there was no one better at working him up and teasing him than she was."What kind of tattoo do you think I should get?"

 

"Well, as long as it's not a naked mermaid, or a fly, it would be great."She said."Oh, wait, you've already done those."She laughed as he groaned."Oh, I'm sorry.Did I hurt your feelings?Maybe I can make it up to you."

 

Fuck!He was already hard, if he turned around, all you would see is the apron sticking straight out in the middle.He already had to take a small step back from the stove because it was pressing against it.Yeah, he thought teasing would be fun, but he didn't anticipate her turning it around on him.Why did he never anticipate that?He should know better.She had the power.She'd always had the power."Maybe not the best time to make it up to me.I'm trying to cook here."He was telling her to stop.But man, did he really want her to continue.But seemed a bit of a dickish move to tell her that as he was making breakfast.

 

"I think you'll be able to do both."She said as her hand reached her target and she felt his muscles clench in his stomach and back as soon as her fingers wrapped around him.

 

"Fuck, baby!"He groaned as he sucked in a breath and closed his eyes for a second.He tried to flip the omelette as she was stroking him slowly, and it was the hardest thing he'd ever done.How the fuck was he going to concentrate on cooking when she was jacking him off in front of the stove?He couldn't take much more.He had gotten the omelette to flip, but his eyes were starting to roll back as she never sped up the pace, continuing nice and slow.His high was building, but it never was going to come to a release like this.He was starting to go crazy.He leaned on his hands on the counter on each side of the stove and then made a decision."Fuck this."He said.He set the spatula down, quickly turned off the burner and removed her hand from him.He turned towards her and grabbed her around the waist putting her back up onto the counter."That's not fair."

 

"But, you have to finish my breakfast.I'm so hungry."She said looking at the wet spot on the front of the apron."I thought we were working as a team."

 

"Shut up."He growled at her as he untied the apron and took it off his head."I'm having dessert first."He said as he pushed her backwards.

 

"You need to have a healthy meal before you have dessert, Harry."She teased as he pushed between her legs rubbing his hardness over her middle.When he was close enough, she put her hands on each of his cheeks and looked him in the eyes."I love you."

 

He smirked as she said it."I love you, too, now let me show you."He said as he kissed her deeply before taking her as he told her he would before.And he was right ̶ the counter was the perfect height.

 

Harry brought Julie's omelette to her on the couch after they'd finished their "dessert".He had to make new ones by the time they were done.He made her leave the kitchen so he didn't have to make them a third time.He sighed happily as she leaned against him when he sat next to her to eat his.Things were going well in his life both professionally and personally.He felt damn near complete.And her telling him first, and often, that she loved him.His heart felt like it could burst.He smiled as they ate together and watched tv before he had to go to his meetings later that morning.Yeah, he was glad she'd woken up extra early this morning.His day would be perfect, even if it had barely started, and it was all because of her.And he was proud of the way they had talked about her dreams, calmly and together.He was always convinced they could work through any and everything if they did it together.And this was definitely a start in the right direction.


	52. Chapter 52

Julie walked into Niall and Amanda's house about a week after she came back from San Francisco.  It was time to settle back in, and actually see her room for more than a couple of hours to pack and leave.  She was enjoying her time with Harry, but she had to eventually get back to her routine.  That meant spending some time at home.  Plus, Panda had called and basically begged her to come back home because she missed her.  She was too precious sometimes pretending to miss her even when Julie was convinced that she was getting in the way.  Amanda had decided that today would be the day to go try on bridesmaid dresses.  Amanda was insistent on JJ having the perfect dress.  Even though JJ had equally insisted that it didn't matter ̶ it only mattered that Amanda had the perfect dress.

 

"Panda!"  Julie called out when she walked into the house.  She took her suitcase towards the laundry room.  She had washed everything at Harry's, but she'd stayed so long that it was all dirty again.

 

"JJ!"  Amanda said hurrying towards her and throwing her arms around JJ, making her drop the suitcase handle she was pulling.

 

"Hey, Panda."  Julie said laughing and automatically hugging Amanda back.

 

"I've missed you so much.  Please tell me you're staying home tonight."  She didn't let JJ go for a few minutes.

 

"Um, probably, I dunno."  Julie laughed again.  "But, um, do you think you can let me go?  Just so I can put some laundry in?"

 

"No."  Amanda said still holding her tightly.  "You haven't been around much at all.  You cannot leave me."

 

"Panda."  Julie shook her head and then smiled at Amanda when she stepped back.

 

"Sorry.  But you've disappeared on me.  You can't do that."  Amanda said leaning against the dryer as Julie started putting her clothes in the washer.

 

"Sorry.  But you wouldn't leave Niall when he's in the same city either, so don't even pout."  Julie said shaking her head.

 

"Yeah, but you're not me.  And you're not like that.  You're not clingy."  Amanda laughed.

 

"Oh?  I'm not?"  Julie said starting the wash machine and then walking with Amanda to the kitchen.  "So, are we doing this dress thing, or what?"  She opened the fridge and grabbed a bottle of water.

 

"No, you're not clingy, you like your alone time, but you haven't left Harry in weeks."  Amanda said sitting at the counter pouting.  "And yes, we are doing the dress thing, but first we're going to talk.  Or, you're going to talk, and I'm going to listen."  She laughed when Julie raised her eyebrows at her.

 

"Why?  What do I possibly have to talk to you about?"  Julie asked before taking a drink of her water.  "And I did leave Harry.  For almost a week.  I went to San Francisco Sunday and didn't come home until Thursday night."

 

"Yes, but you weren't HERE."  Amanda whined.  "And see, I didn't even know you came home Thursday night. I thought you were coming home Friday night."

 

"Well, I'm sorry I didn't tell you."  Julie laughed.  "To be fair though, I didn't tell Harry either.  I didn't tell anyone.  It was a last-minute decision when a couple girls decided to leave Thursday because Friday's speaker cancelled.  Jaime and Marcus stayed until Friday."  She felt her face start to get red as she thought about what happened when she arrived at Harry's Thursday night.  Shit.  She had to find a way to get away from Amanda's intense stare or she was going to be questioned about why she was blushing.  But it was too late.

 

"Wait!?  Why are you turning six shades of red?"  Amanda asked.  She couldn't think of why JJ would be blushing so deeply.  "What happened?"

 

"Oh, we don't have to talk about that."  Julie said thinking hard about how she could change the subject.  "I'm glad you called though. I think it was time for me to get out for a while.  Have some different company."  Julie said.  "Um, do you want something to eat?"  She asked turning to the fridge.

 

Amanda laughed.  "No, I'm good and quit trying to distract.  Stop trying to act busy."  She got up and walked around to the fridge, reached past JJ and grabbed a bottle of white wine from the fridge.  "It's late enough. Let's have a couple of glasses and catch up."  She shut the fridge and pulled JJ's arm.  "We can order some take out and then we can go for dresses tomorrow."

 

Julie took the glass from Amanda after she poured her some wine and went and sat on the couch.  "I'm not sure Harry will be ok with that.  He's being, a bit, needy at the moment.  I mean, I know we'd been a part over a year, but I think he's still afraid I'm not real.  That I haven't forgiven him and taken him back.  Like he's afraid to let me out of his sight."

 

"Well, tell him anyway."  Amanda said.  She looked over at JJ.  "Ok, you need to spill, because I can tell you're in that head.  Thinking way too hard about something.  You stay there and it's going to cause problems.  Are you still happy?"

 

"With Harry?  Yeah, things are good.  We are getting along great."  Julie said swirling the wine around in her glass before taking a drink of the sweet, white substance.

 

"But?"  Amanda asked.  "That's a "but" statement if I've ever heard one."

 

"But, it's a bit overwhelming."  Julie sighed.  "I mean, when I came back Thursday night unexpected, and walked into the back yard, I just, didn't expect to, well, see what I saw."  She shook her head and felt the heat in her cheeks again.  "Yeah, so, just, don't really think I should be talking about this."

 

Amanda laughed.  She already had an idea based on JJ's uncomfortableness what the subject was about, but she needed to hear it.  Obviously, it didn't have to do with sex and another woman or Julie wouldn't have stayed with Harry for the past week.  "Oh, I already know what gets you that uncomfortable.  So, I just need to have a little clue.  And I still can't believe you're that uncomfortable talking to me about this stuff."

 

"I will forever be uncomfortable."  Julie said standing up and setting her wine on the table.

 

"Here we go."  Amanda sat back and waited for the pacing to begin.  It was the only way Julie was able to speak through the uncomfortable, albeit only to her, subjects.  Right on time, she started pacing around the living room.

 

"Shut up, Panda."  Julie said taking a deep breath.  She tried to stop pacing, but it just made her too uncomfortable so she started again.

 

"Wait."  Amanda said.  "Let me get you a feather duster, you might as well make use of that nervous energy, and while you're moving everything around, you can clean under them."  She laughed and sat back against the couch.  She laughed harder when Julie glared at her.  "Do you want me to tell you something detailed and personal about Niall and me first?  I have a lot of stories I can tell."

 

"No!"  Julie cringed.  "Will you stop making fun of me?  I don't know why this happens.  I don't know why I'm so uncomfortable with it.  But can you just pretend not to be so amused by my misery?"

 

"I'm sorry."  Amanda said trying to stop laughing.  "I just can't seem to help it.  You're so predictable."

 

"Stop.  Seriously.  We can talk about something else."  Julie said looking down at Amanda.

 

"No, it's obviously bothering you if you even thought about bringing it up.  Otherwise, you would have remained as tight lipped as you always have."  Amanda said.  "Just take your time and spill."

 

"Now it seems I've ruined the right moment."  Julie said walking over and grabbing her wine glass and taking a big drink.

 

"JJ, come on."  Amanda laughed.

 

"I just, I came home early and had a key.  So instead of telling him my plan, I just walked into the house, and he wasn't in there, or in his room.  He had gone out the night before and had way too much to drink. I thought for sure he'd be asleep.  I saw the lights on in the back by the pool.  So, I went outside, and he was in the hot tub, minus all clothing, alone."  Julie said starting to pace again.  She didn't know how to say the rest.  She felt extremely uncomfortable telling Amanda this.  "He, uh, was, making sure."

 

"Ok, Ok, I won't make you say it."  Amanda said trying to stifle her laughter.  She understood almost immediately but wanted to see if JJ would actually tell her.  But she couldn't take the stammering anymore.  "I get it, so, what happened when you caught him."

 

Julie shuddered having to continue this conversation.  But she supposed that to get to the real reason she was struggling a bit she had to.  "I, uh, froze for a bit.  Watched a little longer than I should have, I didn't interrupt until he was, well, finished."

 

Amanda couldn't help but laugh this time.  "Well, I'm sure it was quite the surprise.  What happened when he realized you were there?"

 

"Well, when he was, well, finished, I just said 'well if I'm no longer needed for that, maybe I should just go'. " Julie replied covering her eyes with her hand and giggling a little.

 

"Of course, you did."  Amanda said shaking her head and laughing.  "I expect nothing less from you.  And what did he do?"

 

"Well, he jumped, and then before I could turn and take a step away he grabbed me around the waist, and I was in the hot tub on his lap before I could react."  She advised.  "Apparently, he was dreaming of us together, woke up a bit frustrated, went into the hot tub and thought some more about us, and couldn't wait until I got home Friday night.  He admitted he was thinking of us doing things together while he was in the hot tub."

 

"And?"  Amanda prodded.

 

"And, we ended up acting out what he was thinking and then some.  In the hot tub and then the pool, the bed, and the shower.  I swear I thought it was never going to end.  I threatened him.  I told him I was going to sleep in the spare room if he didn't leave me alone because I was so tired."  Julie rubbed her face and sat down on the edge of the couch.  "I swear since we've got back together, he is completely insatiable.  Every second of every day that we're together."

 

"Well, that sounds pretty amazing, actually."  Amanda said looking over at her friend.  "So, why isn't it amazing?"

 

"It is."  Julie said looking up at Amanda.  "Panda, it's just.  Sometimes I feel like he seriously doesn't trust I'm there to stay.  Sometimes it feels like he's trying to fit in as much together time as he can because he's afraid that he's going to wake up one day and I'm going to be gone.  And I don't blame him really.  I mean what's my M O?  I run.  I disappear, and he is afraid that it's going to happen."

 

"Wait.  Come on.  Have you asked him that?"  Amanda shook her head.  "Don't you think you may be reading into this just a little too much?"

 

"I don't know.  I don't think so.  I mean I know we were apart over a year.  But it just seems, a bit, intense.  It's not like he never had sex the entire time we were apart."  Julie got up again and went and poured herself another glass of wine.

 

"How do you know he didn't?  You didn't."  Amanda said to her.

 

"Because I'm not Harry.  I definitely would have a different way of thinking about that.  And we know what happened on the yacht, and he dated others, too.  So you won't convince me he didn't.  But, the point is I still don't understand why it's so intense."  Julie explained.

 

"You should talk to him about it, JJ.  I'm certain that he's not afraid you're going to run.  If that's what he thought, why would he fight so hard to get you back?"  Amanda asked.  "I really think you need to stop thinking so hard.  I thought we were getting somewhere when you hadn't come home for weeks."

 

"I have.  I mean, I packed to go to San Francisco."  Julie said taking another drink of wine.  "Yeah, maybe, I don't know.  I think for my own sanity I need things to slow down just a little."

 

"Then tell him."  Amanda said.  "JJ, you're exasperating.  He needs you to be honest with him.  He waited a long time for you to decide whether or not you would take him back.  He's not going to run in the other direction if you tell him that maybe things need to slow a bit.  You've spent basically every minute with him except when you were in San Francisco.  Stop worrying about everything; he loves you."

 

"I know."  Julie said letting out a breath.  She looked at Amanda who tilted her head and raised an eyebrow.  "What?  I'm serious.  If he didn't love me, he wouldn't have put up with my inability to let the past go, and the hard time that I gave him.  He obviously loves me.  But love wasn't enough last time, and I'm afraid that if we just fall back into the 'everything is good, we don't have to work on anything' thing, then it's just going to go bad again.  And there won't be a third time to get this right."

 

"JJ.  I swear.  Relationships aren't easy.  They have ups and downs.  They hurt as much as they don't.  It's working through the things that try to tear you apart that makes that relationship worthwhile."  Amanda reached over and took JJ's hand.

 

"You and Niall are perfect.  So, you're telling me I shouldn't hope for something like that?"  Julie asked.  "I'm always going to be confused, aren't I?"

 

"JJ.  Niall and I are far from perfect.  We just work things out together.  We have our own problems.  We disagree just like everyone else."  Amanda reached up and pulled on the end of Julie's hair.  "You just want to see us as perfect so that you think you fail at everything."

 

"That's not true."  Julie glared at Amanda.  "I think you and Niall are perfect.  You've got it all figured out.  You started dating, you fell in love, you moved in together, you got engaged, and before you know it, you're going to be married in front of your friends and family.  And you will all be one big, happy family with lots of babies and lots of friends."

 

"You truly are something else."  Amanda said.  "You're really frustrating."  She started laughing.  "JJ, we have arguments.  I never saw you and Harry argue except for the time we went to them when Zayn left.  But Harry was a bitch to everyone then."  She shrugged when Julie looked at her.  "He was, don't deny it.  But when you had your problems, when you argued,  we didn't know."

 

"That's a bunch of crap."  Julie ran her hand through her hair.  "Every time, except for the time we broke up you guys seemed to be a part of it.  Tell me when, besides the ONE time, that you and Niall argued.  The pregnancy scare was the only time I'd seen the two of you disagree.  You guys are perfect.  There's no convincing me otherwise."

 

"Of course, there's not.  But we do argue.  It's just that we love each other so we forgive each other pretty quickly."  Amanda laid her head on JJ's shoulder.  "Just like I love you enough to forgive you quickly and to listen to your frustratingly stubborn ass when you get like this."  She picked her head up.  "Just, answer me this, do you love him?"

 

"Panda."  Julie started.

 

"JJ.  I asked, do you love him?"  Amanda said more firmly.  "It's a yes or no question."

 

"Yes."  Julie said looking down at the floor.

 

"Without a doubt?"  Amanda asked.

 

"Without a doubt."  Julie answered.

 

"Then stop worrying about every little thing.  If you need space, tell him.  Don't pretend you don't.  Because then it will just keep building and building until you can't take it anymore.  Tell him what you're feeling.  Stop hiding it."  Amanda coaxed to her gently.

 

"I do tell him.  I tell him I love him, all the time."  Julie said rubbing over her face.

 

"Not just that you love him.  Tell him when you're frustrated, tell him when you're scared, tell him when you're unsure.  Share with him your doubts, and your fears.  Let him help you through them instead of him finding them out when you break and can't take it anymore."  Amanda pulled Julie into a hug.  "You need to stop thinking everyone is going to judge you for having your own feelings.  For being scared, for feeling things out, but we don't.  Especially Harry, Niall, and me."

 

Julie sighed again, for what seemed like the hundredth time during this conversation.  "But I'm scared to do all that."

 

"Yes, I know.  He knows.  We all know."  Amanda rubbed over JJ's back.  "We understand, but you have to be honest.  You have to stop trying to figure it all out by yourself.  You have to be willing to trust someone with your feelings.  You have to trust that we will listen.  Sometimes we're not perfect, but no matter what, we love you and we want what's best for you."

 

"But how do you know what's best for me, if I don't even know what's best for me?"  Julie gave up and laid her head on Amanda's lap.  She closed her eyes when Amanda started playing with her hair.

 

"Because sometimes we're able to see things that you don't."  She looked down at JJ's face.  The tenseness, the furrowed brow.  She could tell she was confused.  "You're scared, so sometimes things don't always seem to be the way they really are.  Let yourself feel.  Let yourself love, but not only as much as you want to, as much as you FEEL.  If you want to spend all your time with Harry, as much as that will make me sad, I will support it.  If you need to have some space from Harry, or from me, then take it.  It won't be easy, but we will support it.  But don't just let it build up to where you think you need to run away from us.  To where you think you need to be somewhere else.  Because here, with us, is your home.  You belong here.  Whether it's our home, or Harry's, or if you choose to have your own apartment.  That's YOUR decision.  No one else's.  I know I give you a hard time about my wanting you stay with us.  I want you to stay.  But you'll be my best friend even if you don't."

 

"Thanks, Panda.  I knew I was glad you called me home for a reason."  Julie said relaxing as Amanda continued to play with her hair.

 

"Oh, so you only came home for my advice on your life?"  Amanda asked laughing.

 

"Well, that, and so you could finish my laundry for me, mom."  Julie said shrugging slightly.

 

"So, fucking evil."  Amanda said pushing JJ's head from her lap and standing up.  "I'm ordering dinner.  Do your own damn laundry."  She looked at the door when she heard it open.  "Hey babe, JJ's here.  I'm ordering dinner. We talked too long for us to cook."

 

"Yeah, I figured she was here.  I found this bum in the driveway when I pulled in."  He let Harry into the house.  "So, dinner for four?"

 

Amanda laughed and looked at JJ who nodded.  "Yeah, dinner for four, just like old times."


	53. Chapter 53

Harry couldn't seem to help himself when he showed up at Niall's.  He had just gotten out of his car when Niall was pulling into his driveway.  He had dropped Julie off a few hours before, so he figured it'd be safe to go back and see what was happening.  Maybe treat them all to dinner.  When he walked in with Niall, he could almost feel the heaviness in the air.  And the fact that Amanda checked with Julie before she agreed to the dinner for four made him a bit uneasy.  Everything had seemed so good.  They had gotten along so well, so he hadn't thought there was any trouble.  But, he should have known.  Or at least he now suspected there might be.  Should he be worried?  He tried to slow his thoughts as he walked towards the couch.  He looked down at Julie and then leaned down and kissed her.  "Sorry, I just showed up.  Thought maybe I could take you all out for dinner, but this is better."  He looked her in the eyes and was slightly relieved when she smiled.

 

"It's fine.  It's been a long time since we've all spent time together like this.  I do miss it."  Julie said standing up.  She leaned back against him when Harry put his hands on her hips.  She could tell he was a bit concerned, but everything was fine.  She was with him and wanted to be.  But she would have to seriously consider Panda's words and have a talk with him about slowing this down just a little.  She wanted to spend most of her time with him, but she did need a bit of time to take it all in without his hands on her all the time.  "Panda, can you order from that pasta place?  I really would like their chicken and broccoli alfredo."

 

Harry chuckled.  "Well, at least you're eating broccoli."

 

"Covered in thick, buttery, fattening white sauce."  She joked putting her hands over his and squeezing his fingers before stepping away.  "But it's also grilled chicken, so I'm winning."  She shrugged her shoulders and took her wine glass over to the fridge.  "And it goes wonderfully with white wine."  She grabbed the bottle and filled her glass, turning and filling Amanda's when she walked up to her.

 

"I'm going to take it as a win, too."  Harry said taking the beer Niall handed him.  He normally drank wine as well, but when the four of them were together, he seemed to be the beer mate to Niall while the girls drank the wine.

 

Julie looked at Amanda when she caught her staring at her.  She knew why.  "It's fine, Panda."  She said quietly.  "I'm still staying here tonight, and I will talk to him.  You can stop worrying now, Mom.  I don't want to get rid of him.  I'm just trying to find my way still."

 

"I know.  It's just that we got through that conversation, and he's here.  So, I see what you mean. I still don't think that it's what you think it is though."  Amanda said squeezing JJ's hand before stepping back and grabbing the menu from the drawer.  She knew what everyone else would eat, so she quickly placed the order.  She looked at Niall and then nodded subtly towards JJ.  She wanted to talk to Harry and figured Niall could spend a little time with JJ.  She grabbed her wine and JJ's arm and walked towards the couch with her.

 

Niall shook his head at Amanda.  He knew what she was up to, but figured it wouldn't hurt, at least for now to give her a little leeway.  Plus, he hadn't really spoken to JJ in quite some time.  He missed his smart mouthed friend.  He walked over to JJ.  "Come outside with me, so we can catch up."

 

Julie gave side glance at Niall and then at Amanda.  She knew when Amanda wouldn't look her in the eye that she was up to something.  She should tell her she knew, and that she should stay out of it, but maybe it would help if Harry talked to Amanda.  She looked at Niall and shrugged.  "Ok, why not?"

 

Harry glanced at everyone.  He also knew something was up but figured it would happen at one time or another, so he just let it go.  And maybe he could get something out of Amanda about if he should worry or not.  He reached back over the couch for Julie's hand though and when she slid hers into his, he squeezed it before kissing the back of it and letting it go.  "Niall, keep your hands off my girlfriend."

 

"Not a chance."  Niall smirked wrapping his arm around JJ's shoulders and walking outside with her.

 

Harry looked up at Amanda and watched her sit with him on the couch.  "So, are we really leaving them alone together?"  He asked as a joke.  He was more concerned about what Amanda could possibly want him for.

 

"Yeah, we'll keep an eye on them, but we're probably safe."  She looked over at him.  "She loves you."

 

Harry couldn't help but smile when she said that.  Well, at least that was still true.  "Yeah, well, I'm pretty sure Niall loves you, and Julie loves you, too.  So, I guess there's no need to worry."  He took a sip of his beer and looked over at Amanda who had gone quiet all of a sudden.  "Should I worry?"  He found himself asking.

 

"No."  Amanda said looking over at him.  "And I'm not going to tell you what we discussed today.  But, I just want to make sure you're good.  Seems you are having a hard time letting her go, even for just a little bit."

 

"To be fair, I've always had a hard time letting her go.  I just had no choice, and now I do."  He said shrugging his shoulders a bit.  "Is it a problem?"

 

"Again, I will let her discuss any problems with you, if she feels there are any."  Amanda ducked the question.  "I just miss my friend, and she was only here a few hours, and you came back here today.  We were going to go dress shopping. What would you have done if she wasn't here?"

 

"Probably hung with Niall."  Harry chuckled.  "Feeling me out, Mum?"

 

Amanda sighed.  "Yeah, guess so."  She looked over at him.  "Sorry."

 

Harry chuckled.  "I was teasing.  But it doesn't make me less nervous."  He pushed on Amanda's shoulder with his.  "What's going on?"

 

"Just want to make sure that you're good.  That the two of you are good.  I mean you got back together, and you guys haven't spent any time apart.  Except when JJ was in San Francisco.  And she told me that she came back early to surprise you.  Does that sound like JJ?"

 

Harry looked away and felt his cheeks turn a little red.  Would Julie have told her about what happened when she came back early?  No way, not Julie.  He could picture her stumbling over her words and turning red.  She'd never get through a story like that.  "Yeah, uh, well she was gone for almost a week.  I didn't ask her to come back; she just did."

 

Amanda was having a hard time keeping her thoughts to herself.  She wanted Harry to know about what JJ was thinking.  "So, things are really good then?  There's nothing you're worried about?"

 

Harry sighed.  "What's going on, Amanda?  Obviously, she told you something that's worried you.  Maybe I should know about it?"

 

"Not really, she just, yeah she's going to kill me.  But then she probably knows what's going on in here anyway."  Amanda leaned back against the couch.  "She seems to think you're afraid she's going to leave.  That she's going to change her mind, and she seems to think you're not secure in your relationship because you don't want to let her out of your sight."

 

Harry laughed.  When Amanda looked at him he shook his head.  "Amanda, come on, you know her.  She's overthinking things, as always.  I just want her around.  We spent a lot of time apart, and I'm enjoying her company.  If she really wanted or needed some time apart, I could manage.  I just haven't felt that from her yet."

 

"I thought she was over thinking things too, but here you are. I don't think you really came here to take her out to dinner.  I think you are worried what she is going to think about the minute you leave her.  Will she second guess herself or overthink something you said when it was just a little comment in passing? She may have grown a lot over the last year, but she is the same JJ.  You know she is going to keep it all in until it's too much."  Amanda looked behind to make sure she could continue the conversation.  She would not only get it from JJ, but Niall would probably give her a hard time for getting overly involved.  He knew what she was up to, but telling Harry what she and JJ talked about in more detail was probably going a little too far.  "Problems that you had before in your relationship are still going to carry over to now. Just because you had a year to figure things out, and she decided that she is ready to move forward with you doesn't mean you are free and clear to forget." 

 

Harry looked at Amanda and now felt like he had something to be worried about.  He and Julie had talked about a lot of things, but the fact that she was discussing this with Amanda scared him. And the fact that Amanda was sitting here telling him really had him concerned.  Was there more to it than he thought, and what problem was she specifically worried about.  Was there something else that she hadn't told him?

 

Niall looked across the table at JJ and wondering what was going on.  He knew Amanda was up to something if she needed time alone with Harry.  "So are you going to fill me in with what is happening in there?  I know Amanda is not in there talking about wedding plans and what color the bridesmaids' dresses should be."  He took a sip of this beer and thought for a minute.  "Actually, she might be.  She talks to everyone she can about her wedding.  I mean our wedding.  But I would think Harry would be sending smoke signals already asking to be rescued.  So spill."

 

Julie shook her head at Niall wondering when they would find something else more entertaining than Harry's and her relationship.  "Sometimes, I wonder why I come back home.  At least when I am away, I don't have to think and feel so much."  She sighed and looked over at Niall.  "We were talking about Harry and how he is being a little clingy and not wanting me out of his sight.  It's like he doesn't feel as if this is real.  Like he is dreaming and going to wake up, and we never got back together or I left him in the middle of the night and ran.  It's like he is insecure in our relationship and that makes me feel like I have to be careful to not worry him with any concerns or questions I am having.  Plus it is weird to see him seem so insecure.  He always seems so sure of himself and what he wants."

 

Niall sat back and listened to JJ.  On one hand, he wasn't surprised how Harry wanted to spend every moment with JJ, but to hear that he was insecure made him curious as to what was going through Harry's mind.  Was he afraid that JJ was going to run scared?  "I think you need to talk to him. Maybe he needs to hear something from you so he can calm his mind.  I know he doesn't want to mess anything up and risk losing you, plus it is Harry.  He will listen to anything you would say." 

 

Julie took her wine glass and held it in her hand.  She looked across the table and sighed.  "So how is the wedding planning going for you?  Is Amanda driving you crazy and going over the top?"  She laughed as Niall took another sip of his beer.

 

"I love the girl, and she can have anything she wants, but she has so many ideas and keeps changing her mind. And it's not even that the things are expensive.  I think I am going to jump off a cliff soon.  You need to help her.  She needs to be brought back to this world and calm her mind."  Niall groaned shaking his head.  "Don't think I haven't realized that you changed the subject.  But I will let it go for now. I'm sure Amanda talked you out today.  And now that she's in there with Harry, I know you're going to have to talk to him too."

 

"Gee, thanks for stating the obvious, my friend."  Julie said finishing off her wine.

 

After dinner and some more drinks, a movie and a lot of chatter, it was getting pretty late.  They all concluded it had been way too long since they had spent time together like that and now that both couples were happily back together, they agreed they would make time more often to spend together.  Niall and Amanda went off to their room while Harry helped Julie fold the last of her laundry since she'd neglected it most of the night while they were all enjoying each other's company.

 

Niall changed into his pajama pants and T-shirt and came out of the bathroom to Amanda pulling on her T-shirt.  "You know, don't think I don't know what you were doing when you had me take JJ outside.  And she wasn't fooled either."  He said to Amanda as he sat himself on the edge of the bed.

 

Amanda sighed.  "Yeah, I know.  And I know you hate when I get involved.  But I'm just afraid that if she doesn't say anything to him now, she's going to let it build in her until it drives her crazy.  She seems like she's where she wants to be, but Harry's being a bit suffocating to her."

 

"Amanda, they've gotten through a lot.  Without interference."  Niall stood up and walked up to her.  "Babe, they still have to get through things on their own."

 

"But they screwed it up the first time."  Amanda said putting her hands on Niall's chest.  "I just don't want to see them hold back and have it be the thing that ruins them."

 

Niall kissed Amanda.  "And here I thought the wedding would keep you busy enough."  He laughed and kissed her again and then took her to bed.  Maybe he could distract her in another way.

 

Julie put the last of her laundry away and turned to Harry who was leaning against the door frame of her room.  "Are you coming to bed?"  She asked as she got out her pajamas.

 

"Do you want me to stay?" He asked her shoving his hands in his pockets.

 

Julie sighed as she set her pajamas on her bed.  "Yes, Harry, of course."  She looked down at her hand on her pajamas for a minute.  "Let's just, get ready for bed, and then we'll talk."  She walked over to her dresser and opened her top drawer.  She pulled out one of his old t-shirts and a pair of shorts she had of his.  "Guess these never made it back to you when we broke up."  She walked over and handed them to him.

 

Harry took the clothes and looked at her.  He didn't have the heart to tell her that he'd seen Marcus wearing the t-shirt one day.  He'd seen him leaving Niall's house in this shirt.  At least she'd gotten it back.  She would know eventually when she decided to listen to his album.  She still hadn't agreed.  Guess that was another discussion they were going to have to have.  "Thanks."  He said as he walked into the bathroom to wash up.

 

Julie sighed again and changed.  Guess Amanda said more than she'd expected her to.  Now, how angry was Harry?  Or how hurt?  What did she have to smooth over?  She pulled the blankets back and climbed into bed and leaned against her pillow.  It had been awhile since she'd been in her own bed.  It felt good, actually.  She looked over at the bathroom door as Harry opened it and walked out.  He put his knee on the bed and climbed over her to settle on his side.  She giggled as he stole a kiss on the way over her and then plopped down next to her.  "Are you ok?  You seemed a bit off when you were in my doorway."

 

"Yeah, well, guess talking to Amanda did kind of make me question if you wanted me to stay tonight."  He lay on his side and implored her to do the same.  "Think maybe you can explain to me?"

 

After she lay on her side she took his hand.  "It's not as big of a deal as everyone seems to be making it.  Eventually, I would have brought it up.  We just haven't been back together that long."

 

"Yeah, but if you're unhappy, don't you think that's something I should know?"  He took her hand and kissed it.  "I don't want you unhappy."

 

"I'm not unhappy."  She sat up and faced him.  She pulled his arm so he sat up with her.  "I'm not at all.  Please don't think that.  I knew this was going to get blown way out of proportion.  I knew Amanda was going to talk to you, but I guess I didn't know what she would say.  Or how much detail she'd go into."

 

Harry took a deep breath when she popped up to sitting position.  Maybe it was a bit more serious than he'd thought.  He took her hands from her lap and held them.  "Could you tell me what's going on?  Instead of me trying to guess from Amanda's not so subtle clues."

 

"I didn't want this to cause problems already.  But I'm sorry that I talked to her about it first.  I'm just no good at this stuff.  I constantly feel like I'm doing something wrong."  She looked down at their hands in her lap.

 

"Stop.  Please, just tell me what you're thinking.  Feeling." He took a chance and pulled her up so she was on her knees, turned her and pulled her in his lap.  "We're good together.  If you feel overwhelmed, or like I'm holding on too tight, you have to let me know."

 

"It's not, that, not exactly."  She said looking up at him.  "I want to be there.  With you, your place, or here, I do.  It's just."  She took a deep breath and giggled as she felt her cheeks start to turn pink.  "You seem, just, to want to, like.  Take my clothes off every second.  Like if we're not naked and attached.  I don't know.  I just feel like you're afraid I'm going to leave or something."

 

He nuzzled her neck with his nose and chuckled.  "Have you ever thought, that I REALLY just like your body.  And the way it feels, and when we're able, I like to have you all over me?"

 

"No."  She admitted.  "Figured it had to be more than that. Like it just seems like SO much."

 

He squeezed his arms tightly around her.  "Julie, if you wanted to say no, just say no.  I LOVE sex with you. I've never felt anything like it.  But I would be perfectly fine hanging out like this.  Or watching a movie or eating dinner."

 

"Yes, but whenever we do that, lately, it always leads to sex."  She whined.  "I hate talking about this."

 

"I know."  He nuzzled her neck again and breathed in her scent.  "I shall remember that you don't want me as much as I want you."  He stopped her when she started to protest.  "I'm kidding.  Just know that it's not a condition of our relationship.  I just really like it."

 

She took a deep breath and then laughed lightly.  "Guess I do just read too much into things then."

 

"No, I'm not saying that."  He laughed and then scooted her so he could look at her.  "Ok, maybe I am, just a little.  And MAYBE I've been holding on a little too tightly since we got back together.  Like showing up here after a couple of hours of us being apart."

 

"Yeah, that maybe was a bit of an overkill."  She laughed.  She reached up and kissed his lips.  "Just know, that I wouldn't have decided to come back to you, if I wasn't ready to give this my all.  I love you. I won't try to deny that again.  And I understand that we have more time to spend together now than we ever did before.  It's going to take some time to find our groove.  But maybe, just maybe, you don't have to try to take my clothes off EVERY second of EVERY minute we're together.  I know you're good, and your sexual appetite is insatiable, but there is more to me."

 

He laughed out loud and then laid her on her back and crawled over her.  "I love it when you talk sex."  He laughed louder when she pushed him off of her, and he landed next to her.  "I will start now.  Let me hold you, and we shall get some sleep.  Although, it might be hard if I don't get to wear myself out with you first."

 

"Harry, must you?"  Julie whined as she settled in next to him.

 

"Yes, I've learned the teasing and the torture from the best.  And you should know how to take it since you give it so well."  He kissed her lips and pulled the covers up around her.  "I love you, sleep well, baby."  He took a breath and held her until she fell asleep.  Maybe she had a point.  Maybe he was holding on a little too tightly.  But he could figure it out.  He didn't mean to smother her.  He was sorry she actually felt that way.  He kissed her forehead and closed his eyes.


	54. Chapter 54

Amanda had Julie up and out of the house right after breakfast the next day to try on bridesmaids dresses.They had gotten up and had breakfast with the boys, and it had been fun for all four.Julie enjoyed the time, and the banter between them had made them all laugh till tears streamed down their faces.This whole dress shopping thing was a bit overwhelming though.Going to over priced shops with designer gowns all to pick out a dress that didn't matter in the grand scheme of things. Julie thought she could wear a paper bag because everyone's focus should be on Amanda and not on her.

 

"JJ.Could you please just stop huffing and puffing every time we try something on?"Amanda asked looking through yet another rack of dresses.

 

"Panda, we've already been to three shops, and I've tried on over a dozen dresses.It's been hours, and every dress was beautiful."Julie said as she stood back and waited for the onslaught of dresses she would be trying on in this store.

 

"But none of the dresses were perfect.There will be a dress that is equally you, as it is equally me.And when we find it, we will know."Amanda said handing one of the dresses she found to JJ.

 

"You mean, you will know?Cuz I've known that most of the dresses we tried on were pretty good."Julie said letting the dress lay over her arm.She might as well wait for the two or three others Amanda was going to hand her before taking it over to a dressing room.Amanda had sent the sales lady away almost immediately.She just asked if there were dresses they could try on and told her they would come get her when they needed help.

 

"Pretty good?JJ.It's my wedding.Pretty good, is not good enough.Could you just possibly behave and pretend to be excited about this?"Amanda asked handing her yet another dress.

 

"I was excited two shops ago."Julie mumbled and then shrugged when Amanda gave her a look."What?Don't pretend you didn't know how this would go."Amanda had shown her the picture of the custom dress she was having made for her wedding.It was beautiful and flowing, and not your typical white.It was perfectly Amanda.Julie on the other hand didn't see all the fuss in this.Maybe it was her broken brain that couldn't get excited about this fairy-tale wedding stuff.She wondered if she'd ever be able to be a normal girl, who dreamed about her wedding and her prince standing at the other end of the aisle waiting for her.This just seemed like a lot of work for one night when all that should matter is that you were marrying the person you love.The person you've decided to spend the rest of your life with.But could someone really know when they'd found that person?How could you not question if it was the right decision?How could you possibly know that the person was the one you wanted to spend the rest of your life with?Her mind reeled at all the possible doubts. Julie snapped her head to attention when she heard Amanda clear her throat loudly.

 

"Um, are you still in there?"Amanda asked JJ."You seemed to be off in your own little world."She watched JJ sigh."What's going on?"

 

"Oh, just wondering how one gets to this place.How one gets excited to be getting married and picking out wedding dresses and torturing....er...I mean, fitting their maid of honor with dresses to compliment theirs."Julie said taking the third dress from Amanda.

 

Amanda shook her head."And I wonder how you can't be.I wonder how you haven't dreamed of this your whole life.Marrying the perfect man.And before you tell me no one's perfect, I meant the perfect man for you.Not perfect in the complete sense."She linked her arm with JJ and walked her towards the fitting room.

 

"Ok, never mind.I'm not going to ruin your day.Sorry I brought it up."Julie said hanging the dresses on the hook and closing the door.

 

"You're not ruining my day.All I wish is that you would open yourself up to the realization that not everyone is Johnny.I can see why you didn't think there was such a thing as a happy relationship, a reason to want to get married and settle down with someone for the rest of your life.Look at Harry.He's completely different.Hasn't there been a time where you thought that maybe you guys could be together forever?"

 

"Forever is a really long time."Julie said.She'd said similar things to Harry in the past.Forever was just not something she believed in.And even less since their break up.She wasn't sure that a person was meant to be with someone else for the rest of their lives.Harry was what she needed in the moment, and she had him.Without him, she wouldn't have gotten through her past.She wouldn't have healed and confronted Johnny and moved on.

 

"Yes, JJ, hence the forever."Amanda said.She watched JJ step from the room wearing the first dress.Just like the others, JJ looked beautiful, but it just wasn't right.She shook her head no, and JJ turned and went back into the dressing room.

 

"Can we just not talk about this anymore?You're happy, I couldn't see you without Niall. I wouldn't want to.I've grown rather fond of that little Irish bloke."Julie said hanging up the first dress and trying on the second.She zipped it and stepped out of the dressing room spinning around slowly and stopping in front of Amanda.Amanda's eyes went up and down the dress and then she put her chin in her hand."No, huh?"Julie said spinning and going back into the dressing room.She prayed that this next dress was it.She actually liked it better than any other dress she had tried on previously.

 

"I know. I'm sorry.It's just.I will know.I promise.When we find the dress, I will know."Amanda said.She waited for JJ to try on the last one she had picked from this shop.She was running through her mind all of the other dresses that she had seen JJ in today, but none of them had been completely right.When JJ stepped from the dressing room in the last dress, Amanda felt her eyes widen."Oh, you look beautiful."She breathed, walking up and inspecting the dress."Yes!What do you think?Do you love it?"

 

"Right now, I'd take any dress you said."Julie laughed as Amanda gave her a shocked look."But I do like it.It's been my favorite so far."The dress was a gray chiffon that bared her shoulders.It had a long A-line skirt that hit the floor and showed off her figure to the best advantage.The back was made of lace that left a large opening showing a great deal of her back. Julie could imagine Harry resting his hand there when they danced.There was a large band that fit snuggly around her waist.She felt relatively comfortable in the dress even though it was a lot fancier than she was used to.Besides her gown in Dubai, this dress was the fanciest dress she had ever worn.The light blue gown Harry had bought her was close, but not quite.

 

"Well, I think it's you.The color isn't quite the all black you usually place yourself in, but it still seems you."Amanda teased."Ok, I think we've found it.Now, they just need to measure and fit it to you."She laughed out loud at the look at JJ's face.Amanda went and found the sales lady and brought her back.JJ kept asking to see the price tag, and Amanda kept ignoring her.She was paying for it.No matter how many times JJ protested that it was her duty to buy her dress.No matter how many times Amanda said that it was different because of their lucky circumstances.Niall had also made it clear that she was to get the dress JJ felt comfortable in and they both loved.

 

Julie did her maid-of-honor duties and let them measure every part of her.Got her size, ordered the dress, and set up her first fitting.She wasn't sure why they had to measure her arms since the dress was completely sleeveless, but she went along with it.She was half tempted to ask them if they wanted to measure her little toe too, just to be safe, but for Amanda's sake, she wisely refrained.After she changed she walked out to Amanda who immediately hugged her.

 

"I'm so glad we found this dress!"Amanda said excitedly.Everything is coming together so well!"She exclaimed as she linked her arm with JJ's and walked out of the shop."And you still have time to get a coffee before your writers meeting.See, I told you I'd get you there on time."

 

"Go home, it's not far from here.I'll just walk.It's beautiful out, and plus, I need it after this day.You know how much I love shopping.So, a walk is exactly what I need."She grabbed her bag out of Amanda's car, hugged her and kissed her cheek."Love you and I will see you at home later."

 

"You're coming home?"Amanda asked a bit shocked.

 

"Um, yes?Where else would I go?"Julie asked.

 

"Duh, Harry's.I figured you'd go back there."Amanda shook her head and rolled her eyes.

 

"Not tonight, but I can't promise he won't come to Niall's."Julie said.

 

"Home.JJ.Home.It's your home, too."Amanda sighed."Someday you will call it that.I will see you later."She waved and got in her car to drive back home.She couldn't wait to write down the details of her day in her memory book.

 

Julie walked towards the library they were holding their meeting at tonight.The writing group sometimes met at different places to keep things fresh.She was meeting her small group which consisted of Marcus, Jamie, and three other girls.The six of them worked really well together, in their group assignments or as cheerleaders for their individual efforts.She stopped off at the coffee shop about two blocks away to get her favorite latte.Starbucks Cinnamon Dolce Latte would forever be her favorite.As she was walking out of the coffee shop she heard some people talking and could have sworn they were talking about her, but why would they be?As she stepped out and started down the street she glanced back, and they were following her with their phones out.What the fuck was happening?

 

She turned the corner towards the library when she heard someone say."That's her.She's the one.She's the one cheating on Harry the same way she cheated on that Johnny guy."She wrinkled her brow and kept walking.What the hell were they talking about?She picked up her pace as she just wanted to go to the library and get settled in her writers group, but before she knew it there were additional people coming down the street.Julie hurried and made her way into the library.She quickly walked to the private room they used and locked herself in the bathroom.She pulled out her phone and made the mistake of googling herself and Harry and Johnny.

 

She took in a sharp breath when she starting reading the first article that popped up.

 

"One Direction star steals fiancée of a hard-working Mid-Westerner."Was the leading line of the first story.The second read much the same.Article after article.Then there was a picture of her and Marcus with a story that she was cheating on Harry with him.Articles wondering if she was playing Harry the same way she'd played Johnny?How did they know she was even back with Harry?And this was all a bunch of bullshit.First, she was never engaged to Johnny. Second, she had left Johnny two years prior to even meeting Harry, and third, how would they even know ANY of this?She found herself struggling to breathe.She began to have a panic attack the more she read through Google.Apparently, as far as she could tell, Johnny had sold his story to the highest bidder.The only problem was, of course, it wasn't the true story.It was some made up tale to make her out to be the villain.Her thoughts confirmed by a direct quote from the next article.It read: "I thought our love was forever, but while I was planning our wedding, she was slipping out to meet up with a pop star."It was followed by the author of the bullshit article saying how sad Johnny was and how heartbroken he was that his lovely fiancée would do such a thing.

 

Julie stood up and shoved her phone into her bag.She ran out of the private room past two of the girls from the writing group.She had been a bit early so no one had arrived there yet.She ran out the back door and in the opposite direction of the throng of people waiting outside the front.She ran for as long as she could until she could no longer catch her breath.She then wandered aimlessly around the city streets.She found herself at a bar she, Marcus and Jaime would go to after meetings sometimes.She had made it further than she had thought.She needed a drink.Not just a glass of wine.A drink.She ordered a whiskey on the rocks and set her bag on the bar stool next to her.She picked the quiet end of the bar where she wouldn't be bothered.Julie drank the hot burning liquid in one drink and ordered another, a double this time.

 

She knew that this situation with Johnny had all gone away too easily.She had figured that, knowing Johnny, he would not let this go and would cause trouble any way he could.But, she had thought she'd gotten to Johnny when she'd stood up to him, since he'd gone home and she'd never heard from him again.She never thought that would be possible.But it had been so long.Why now?Harry and she had just gotten back together ̶how did they even know?How did Johnny know?There were so many questions and no answers.All the articles did were spew lies that came out of Johnny's mouth.She picked up her drink again and finished it.The pain of the strong drink did precious little to ease the thoughts racing around in her mind.She ordered another.She would probably regret it, but it was the only way she could get through this.The panic attack when she first started reading the articles scared her.The alcohol would at least calm that, right?

 

She sat at the bar for a couple of hours, alone, drinking whiskey.She never once reached in her bag for her phone.She heard it ring, often, but she didn't want anything to do with it.She and her whiskey were all she needed right now.She had her head in her hands when she felt a strong hand on her shoulder.She almost fell off the stool when she picked her head up and looked at who was standing next to her.She blinked a few times and then shook her head to try to remove the alcohol induced fog that was surrounding her."How did you know I was here?"She asked.Even she had a hard time understanding what was coming from her mouth.

 

"You forget, Eric's my friend."Marcus said nodding at the large man that had been serving Julie drinks all night.

 

Julie looked at the bartender.Shit.She had forgotten."He called you?"She asked as she tried to focus her eyes back on Marcus.Not as easy as it should be.

 

"Yes, said you'd been sitting here for a long time drinking whiskey.He's only served you wine before and never more than a couple of glasses."Marcus said steadying her on the stool."He's not the only one that I've talked to either."He took the glass that Julie tried to pick up and moved it out of her reach."When we got to the meeting, we were told you ran out right as everyone was starting to arrive.Jaime tried to call you, multiple times.The meeting didn't last long because we were worried about you.Then about a half an hour after we left, I got a call from Jaime saying that you still weren't answering, and he had Amanda calling him.Do you think you can tell me what happened?"

 

Julie tried to put together everything he was saying to her, but it was a bit difficult.She was a bit irritated that he'd taken her glass and moved it away from her."Why are you taking my drink?"She looked at Marcus who had the sternest look on his face.She'd never saw him like that."No, I don't want to tell you what happened."He'd find out soon enough anyway.He didn't know the deepest, darkest parts of her past.He'd never understand.She tried to reach for her drink again, but Marcus grabbed her hand and stopped her.He put some cash down on the bar, thanked Eric, and grabbed her bag before helping her down off the barstool.

 

"Julie, it's time to go home."He wrapped his arm tightly around her waist when she could barely put one foot in front of the other."Why would you do this?How much did you actually drink?"He opened the door to the bar and felt Julie sway when the fresh air hit her.Christ, she was drunk.He'd never seen her drink more than three glasses of wine.And that was over a whole night.He knew she drank more at her birthday party, but that was different.Now he'd found her downing whiskey alone?

 

"I don't even know."She replied as the air hit her, and she felt nauseous and light headed.She swerved towards the wall and leaned her back against it and then leaned forward with her hands on her knees.

 

Marcus heard her phone ring in her bag for the third time since he'd been there.He took a chance and reached into the bag and pulled it out.It was Harry.He looked at Julie and held her phone out to her."It's Harry. You should probably answer him."

 

Julie shook her head no.She didn't want to deal with that right now.She would have to tell him what she'd seen.If he didn't already know.She wasn't ready to do that.She could barely believe it was true.She was hoping she would wake up tomorrow with a bad hangover and realize that this was all just a figment of her imagination.

 

"Julie, what the fuck?"Marcus asked.He placed the phone back in her bag and took her by the arm."Come on, let me take you home."He pulled her gently towards his car.He opened the passenger door and then helped her in gently.He reached over her and buckled her seat belt and then closed the door.He watched her lay her head back against the headrest, and he sighed as he walked around to get in the driver's side.He was about to throw her bag in the backseat when he heard her phone ring again.He pulled it out before setting the bag in the back.He tried to hand it to her again as he got in."Julie, answer him."

 

"No, can you just take me to your place tonight?"She asked him.

 

Marcus shook his head.Her words were slow and slurred.He had never seen her like this and it worried him to no end."No, do you want to tell me where Harry lives or would you like me to take you to Niall's?"

 

"I just, don't want, I just can't, right now's not good."Julie stumbled through her words.She ran her hands over her face and then back through her hair.

 

"Well you obviously need them."Marcus said as he started the drive to Niall's."And if you can't tell me where Harry lives right now, then I'm taking you to Niall's."

 

Harry was pacing Niall's living room for what seemed like hours.Julie wouldn't answer her damn phone, and Amanda couldn't get ahold of her.Jaime said that he and Marcus never saw her, but had been told that she ran out of the meeting she was supposed to be at before they even got there.He answered his phone quickly when it rang.The caller ID showing Jeff. "Jeff!I thought we took care of this.Didn't he sign an NDA after the last run in with her in Vegas?!"Harry said a bit roughly to his friend.Jeff hadn't been his manager back then, but he had helped Harry get an NDA for Johnny.He was offered a nice compensation package to simply sign papers to say he wouldn't say anything to the press or contact Julie again.

 

"Yes, Harry, he did.But I'm guessing he was offered much more than his fine to sell his story to the press."Jeff explained."We apparently misjudged his greed."

 

"Well what the fuck are we going to do?!"Harry asked.He was pissed, but he was also worried.He knew this had to be the reason that he couldn't get ahold of Julie."She obviously knows, and I can't fucking find her.I don't even know where to start looking."

 

"We're working on it, Harry, but we're going to need some time.Worry about yourself, and her, and we'll see what the lawyers can come up with."Jeff said trying to calm the situation.

 

"Fine, let me know as soon as possible."Harry said as he resumed pacing the living room.Amanda had Niall take her out looking for Julie, and he'd agreed to stay here in case she came home.He heard a car in the driveway and then heard two car doors close.He figured it was Niall and Amanda so he looked at the door.When no one came in, he got up and opened the door.He saw Marcus standing on the porch practically carrying his girlfriend up the steps."What the fuck is happening?"

 

Marcus looked up at Harry."Hey, sorry, she's had a bit too much to drink."He grabbed her more firmly around the waist as she staggered backwards."I have no idea what the hell is going on, but she was downing whiskeys all night I've been told."

 

Harry stepped forward and just scooped Julie off her feet and away from Marcus.What the hell was she doing with him in the first place?Why would he let her get wasted on whiskey?But then he remembered that Marcus was with Jaime, and neither of them had any idea where she was either.He turned towards the door when Marcus put Julie's bag next to it."How did you find her?"Harry looked down at Julie who had passed out as soon as he picked her up.

 

"She was at a bar that we would go to sometimes with the group after meetings.The bartender happens to be a friend.He called me after awhile because he was surprised she was there downing whiskey after whiskey alone.Figured she'd had enough."Marcus looked at Harry and debated asking."Do you know why she would?"He'd been wondering if it was Harry she had been trying to drink away, but one look at Harry's face told him that wasn't the case.

 

"I have an idea, yeah."Harry said.Marcus really seemed like a great guy.But there would always be a tinge of jealousy when it came to him."Something coming back up from her past.Thanks for bringing her home."

 

"Yeah, sure.I tried to get her to answer your calls, and to tell me where you lived to drop her off.But guess it was for the best she didn't tell me since you're here."Marcus shifted his weight back and forth between his legs."Do you, uh, need help?Or should I just go?"He asked.He wanted to make sure Julie was ok, but even he knew it would probably be a bit awkward.

 

"I think we're fine.But, I'll have her call you tomorrow.When she's able."Harry said as politely as he could."I'd shake your hand, but..."

 

"Yeah, sure, no problem."Marcus turned to leave."I hope everything's ok."He nodded as he let himself out.

 

Harry took Julie to her room and laid her gently on her bed.Well, Julie's condition answered his question.She definitely knew what was going on.He quickly called Amanda and let her know that Julie was home.He then decided to go online himself and see the damage.Amanda had informed him what she'd discovered when a friend from the hospital had sent a text to her, and she'd looked at the stories online, but Harry hadn't looked. It was normally his policy to never look at the tabloid stories.He regretted it almost immediately.He found himself reading too many articles and then he found himself on Twitter where he saw pictures posted of her with lots of bile comments.His anger rose, and he also felt sick to his stomach.How could his 'fans' say that about her?They didn't know her.Or the story.How could they believe a son of a bitch like Johnny!?He looked down at Julie and moved a piece of hair gently from her cheek.He had to figure out a way to get her through this."I love you, baby."He whispered to her as he kissed her cheek.


	55. Chapter 55

Harry taped up his hands in his personal gym in his home.  He had come home early the next afternoon, leaving Julie in Amanda's perfectly capable hands.  He even decided to skip the gloves instead just using his taped-up hands to start hitting the heavy bag hanging from the ceiling.  He had to work out some of the pent-up aggression that was seething inside him.  The rest of the night and that morning had been difficult for him.  He started punching the bag slowly while he thought back over the memories since Marcus dropped Julie off.

 

He had fallen asleep next to her after he had gotten through what seemed like the entirety of the internet.  Finding more and more bullshit the longer he read.  He wasn't sure how long he was asleep but it didn't seem to be all that long before he'd been woken up by Julie screaming and jumping up to a sitting position.  Her cry of terror scared him completely, and he sat up next to her as he watched her grab her head.  He figured she would have quite the hangover, but he wasn't sure what he was in for.  He gently laid his hand on her back.  He talked to her quietly urging her to lie back down as he got up and got her some water and aspirin.  When he walked back into the room, she was in the bathroom throwing up no doubt from the excess whiskey flowing through her system. She seemed haunted and confused, but was still half asleep. It took some coaxing, but he had gotten her out of the bathroom, some water and aspirin in her and back into bed.  She passed back out pretty quickly.

 

He had fallen back to sleep next to her when he woke to her screaming again.  He reached up and pulled her back down to him as he comforted her.  He felt like she must be experiencing the worst dreams since her first run in with Johnny in Vegas.  He figured everything brought back up while reading the articles and all the lies Johnny had told were running rampant in her mind.  He held her and rubbed her back as she fell asleep, trembling, one more time.  The next time he woke was about three hours later, and she wasn't in bed with him.  He had sat up and saw her sitting on the floor against the far wall with her head in her hands.  That sight had killed him.

 

Harry got her up and out into the living room and onto the couch.  She still hadn't said a word to him, but he wasn't going to push.  He knew what the issue was.  There was no need to ask.  He brought her some coffee and sat down next to her.  It took her a little while longer, but she did eventually open up a little bit about how she was feeling.  She basically was in shock and couldn't quite process everything.  Julie had told him she didn't understand how Johnny had gone away so quickly and not caused any more trouble at all after she'd stood up to him.

 

As he was thinking back on the whole night and morning, Harry started hitting the heavy bag harder and faster.  He seriously couldn't believe this had all came back to bite her.  He had tried really hard to keep her away from all this pain, approving the NDA and paying to keep that asshole away from her and his mouth out of the press.  He hadn't told her.  He'd just made it happen.  After this, he had to tell her.  He was a bit concerned about how she would take that news.  Everyone knew how stubborn she was, how against she was him spending his money on her.  But this was something that needed to be done.  He didn't want to see Johnny keep coming back and harassing her more, just when she was starting to get stronger, starting to heal.

 

Julie had taken it better than he had thought she would.  When he first told her, she just stared into her coffee cup for a while.  Harry didn't interrupt her thoughts, instead preparing for a tongue lashing for getting involved in her business and taking control of the situation.  But he didn't get one.  Instead she thanked him.  She did say she wished he would have told her.  Let her understand why Johnny had backed away so suddenly knowing where she was.  Julie told him that she wanted it to be her that had convinced him to leave.  And that it would have just been better to know what Harry had done to keep Johnny quiet.  Harry felt guilty for not telling her, but he would never regret doing what he could to make sure Johnny stayed out of the picture.

 

When Amanda and Niall got up, they made breakfast, but Julie wouldn't eat anything.  He wasn't sure if it was from the hangover she had or just everything going on.  She wouldn't talk about details, or what she thought, or how she was feeling.  She just sat in the corner of the couch staring at nothing.  Amanda tried to talk to her, he tried to talk to her, even Niall tried, but she wouldn't engage.  He knew he had to give her some time, but it was so hard on him.  That's when he decided to come home and work out.  He needed to calm his mind and his body, and this was the best way.  Well, the best way besides being intimate with Julie.  That wasn't happening right now.  He really wished it was that bastard Johnny he was ramming his fists into, but this bag would have to suffice. He could just use his imagination and pretend it was Johnny's face.

 

By the time he was done, he was out of breath and his hands were red, sore, and just a bit bloody.  He slowly untaped his hands and flexed his fists a little.  His knuckles were really sore.  He took a towel and wiped them off.  He grabbed his bottle of water and drank it all quickly.  He sat down on the weight bench and ran his hands through his hair.  Why did this have to happen?  Why after everything that they'd been through did this have to happen when they had just gotten back together?  He got up to turn the music off from his speaker doc when he heard his text alert.  He looked at his phone and gave a little smile.  It was from Julie.  It simply said, "I need you."  He was concerned that she would push him away.  For it was his fame, god he hated that word, and his public life that caused her all this pain.  He responded, "Jumping in shower, and will be back soon."  He took the steps two at a time up to his room.

 

Julie set her phone down after she'd text Harry.  She had been ok with him leaving. She could tell he was tense.  That he wanted to say a lot more than he had, but was concerned about her thoughts and her well-being.  She was grateful he hadn't pushed this morning.  She hadn't been ready to dig deeply into her memories.  Her hangover was the worst she'd ever had.  Even worse than the one after Amanda's birthday in London. Her stomach was so upset, her head was pounding, and every muscle in her body seemed to be on fire.  She wanted to forget the past 24 hours, but it was impossible.  No matter how much she tried, she just couldn't get her thoughts to come together.  She couldn't wrap her mind around all of this.

 

When the group of girls basically came after her, she hadn't known what to do.  She knew in the past there had been some talk about her, some negative postings on social media, but she was able to stay away from all the drama.  She'd watched Amanda get a lot of grief when she and Niall were seen out and about everywhere.  She had comforted Amanda through some of the worst times.  It made her angry that the "fans" could say such horrible negative things about any person the guys loved.

 

But the thing that got her the most was Johnny.  The things he had said.  She would have expected him to make her out to be the villain, but to say they were engaged.  To say he was out planning their wedding while she was out running around on him with Harry was beyond anything she could have even imagined.  She wanted to scream to the world how this was all a bunch of horribly shitty lies and that Johnny was the one who beat her, physically and emotionally, and chased her away.  How she'd lived in LA for two years before she even met Harry.  How she didn't deserve all of the hate and all of the negativity thrown at her.  She couldn't help but pick up her phone and read through some of the ramblings of Harry's fans.  It turned her stomach how they just believed everything that was printed.  She looked up from the couch when Amanda pulled the phone from her hands.

 

"JJ.  This won't do you any good."  Amanda told her gently sitting down next to her and setting the phone on the table in front of them.  "You know it won't.  You convinced me of that a long time ago.  Social media is a no-no for us.  There will never be more positive than negative on there."

 

"I know."  Julie said running her hands through her hair for the millionth time this morning.  "But I can't help it.  I just don't understand why."

 

Amanda looked at JJ.  Amanda was having a hard time holding back her tears.  JJ had such a kid-like quality about her right now.  She didn't even think JJ had it in her to run.  Or fight.  Or feel.  She was surprised when Harry told JJ this morning about the NDA his team had had Johnny sign that JJ just basically accepted it.  Amanda had been surprised.  She hadn't known either.  She'd thought JJ would have a right to be a bit angry with him for withholding that fact from her, but she'd accepted it.  She'd even thanked him.  She could also tell Harry was concerned with that fact.  With how JJ was so calm.  "JJ. You know that we are here to help you, right?  You don't have to go through this alone.  Even if it is Johnny."

 

"Yeah, I know.  I texted Harry and told him I needed him.  He will be back soon."  Julie said quietly.  She looked up at Amanda as a tear fell onto her cheek.  "Panda."

 

Amanda immediately pulled JJ into her arms and hugged her tightly.  "I know, babe, I know."  She rubbed her back as JJ cried silently into her shoulder.  She knew, somewhat, what it was like to be the brunt of hate for simply being with someone.  But she didn't have an ex-asshole who was spreading nothing but lies, each one worse than the last.  "You just have to remember that those who know you, those who love you, would never believe a word that he says.  All the others, they just don't matter."

 

"I know that.  But, I just can't, help it."  Julie said.  "Did you read some of the things they are saying?"

 

"Yes, JJ, I've read way too many, as have you.  Not only about myself, but now about you.  You don't deserve it.  No one knows the story, and Johnny has no right to say what he's saying.  The question is, what are you going to do about it?"  Amanda asked her.

 

"Do about it?"  Julie looked at Amanda as her breath caught in her chest, and it became hard to breathe.  "What do you mean?  What can I do?  There's nothing I can do?  How can I change their mind?  And I thought I was the one who was able to get Johnny to back down, but I wasn't.  Harry was.  Because he paid him.  So, I had a false sense of strength.  I'm not strong enough for any of this.  I was right the first time."

 

"No!"  Harry said as he walked into the living room.  He had slipped in quietly when the girls were talking on the couch.  He felt bad when the volume of his voice made the girls jump, but he wasn't going to let her talk about herself like that again.  "You are strong. You were strong then.  You stood up to him. It was still the most amazing thing I've ever witnessed anyone do."  He pulled her up, sat on the couch and then pulled her into his lap.  He stopped Amanda when she went to move.  "Stay, Amanda, please."  He knew Julie needed her, too.

 

"But it's your money that got him to back off."  Julie said quietly.  "I thought it was me finding my strength."

 

"The thing is, JJ."  Niall said appearing in the living room with a tray full of tea.  "Harry's money wouldn't have done anything if you hadn't stood up to him first.  He had nothing else to gain by trying to scare you.  He couldn't get you to back down anymore.  So why not take the money at the time."  Niall handed everyone a tea.  "And as much as I hate to say it, it would have probably been ok if someone hadn't offered him more money to talk."

 

"Yeah, but he didn't just talk; he made everything up."  Julie said handing her tea to Harry when her hands started to shake.  "I was NEVER engaged to him, I promise you."  She said unable to look at Harry.  "I met you two years AFTER I left him.  I NEVER cheated on him."

 

"Julie, I know that."  Harry said quietly.  He gently tugged on her chin until she looked at him.  "I didn't believe for a second, any of the words that were written in that article.  Do you think I did?"

 

"Maybe.  I don't know.  It's out there, for everyone to see.  So many lies.  I held a lot back from you about him and my past.  I thought you might question it."  She responded looking into his eyes and swallowing the tears stuck in her throat.  "I forgot how much this makes my heart hurt."  She seriously could feel the pain in her heart.  She felt how hard her lungs had to work.  She felt the panic nonstop.

 

Harry looked at Amanda who looked back at him, and then they both looked at Niall.  Niall was always the one who knew what to say.  But this time, he just looked back at them.  He didn't know what he could say to help.  This negativity from the outside world.  The fans, the press, the critics, those who knew nothing, were a part of their life.  The biggest negative of this whole profession.  He hated every second of the negativity when it came to Amanda.  And he was tempted to say something A LOT, but it wouldn't do any good.  He had to come up with something to say though as the room became ghostly quiet.  "It's a lot, JJ.  And no one here knows what to do, and there's nothing any of us can say that will make this better, or right.  But, as with anything else, we can all work on it together."

 

"I think someone here, gave a pretty damn good speech in South Africa, about how the four of us together could get through everything.  That we were the best team.  Well, here we are again, and nothing's changed.  We have each other, and that's all we need."  Amanda added.

 

"Exactly."  Harry said.  "But the thing is, there are others, too.  Others willing to help us accomplish what we need to.  He has at least a damn good law suit against him for defamation of character."  He peeked around at her face and saw the tears gathering in her eyes.  She was fighting them with everything she had though.

 

Amanda stood up and pulled Niall up with her.  "We're going to get dinner.  And some damn good ice cream.  If you need anything else, let us know."  She said as she and Niall walked to the door.  She waved and got the door closed before she buried herself into Niall's chest.  "I don't know what to do.  The things written online, Niall, they're disgusting."

 

"I know, Princess."  He said closing his eyes and holding her tightly.  "I wish you'd stay offline, too.  I know it's tempting to stick up for her, but it really doesn't do any good.  It will just make it worse."

 

"Yes, I know, really.  But I'd like to smash their heads together, and that includes Johnny's.  How can people be like that?  Why is it worth him hurting her so badly when he swore he loved her at one point?"  She asked Niall, sniffling and wiping her eyes as she pulled away from him.

 

"He's a different kind, Amanda, there's no way we will ever figure out why Johnny does what he does.  I don't think I'd even want to try."  Niall replied opening the door for her to get in.  "But your idea of spoiling her with dinner and bad snacks sounds perfect.  So, we can at least do that for her."  He shut her door and went to the other side of the car to get in.

 

"See, you are the perfect man."  She smiled at him as she wiped the tears from her cheeks again.  "Even though JJ doesn't think there's such a thing."

 

"Not perfect, love."  Niall said smiling a small smile at her.  "I just love you, and that crazy friend of yours."  He said as he pulled the car out of the driveway.

 

Harry held Julie tightly in his arms after Amanda and Niall left.  "Can I get something for you?  Anything?  Do anything for you?"

 

"No, Harry."  She said quietly.  She moved so she was sitting on the couch and leaned herself against his side.  "I just can't quite understand all of this.  It's going to take some time."

 

"I can only imagine."  He said to her wrapping his arm around her and holding her tightly.  He felt her pick up his hand and examine his knuckles.  "Yeah, I, uh, decided not to wear gloves today when I worked out on the heavy bag."

 

"You shouldn't do that."  She said gently kissing his knuckles.

 

The brush of her lips against his hand made him relax.  He expected a completely shut down girlfriend.  One who wouldn't let him in no matter how much he tried.  But she wasn't.  Oh, there was no doubt she was struggling.  He could practically feel the internal struggle.  The tenseness.  The fear, but she'd told him she needed him.  And she was willing to be in his arms.  And take care of his hands.  "You're just mad because my hands are a little messed up now.  And you like them a lot."

 

"That's true.  I do enjoy your hands very much.  Even I don't understand why I do."  She said holding his hand in her lap.  She let out a shaky breath.  "I'm sorry.  I'm so up and down.  My emotions are getting the best of me.  They hit me in waves.  I'm just, this just, it's all so surreal."

 

"I know.  And I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the NDA."  Harry said looking down at their hands.  Her fingers gently roaming over his fingers, his palm, and the back of his hand.  He hadn't put his rings back on because of his sore knuckles.  She couldn't play with the rings at all, so she played with his fingers instead.  He loved these moments.  "It's just, I needed to know that I did something, that I helped in some way to get you away from him.  It was purely selfish.  I didn't know if he would stay away forever with your courage.  I didn't know if after he got over the shock of you standing up to him, if he would try again.  Think of how you had stood up to him as more of a challenge, and come back again, and again.  But I knew about guys like him.  Selfish and greedy.  I knew that I could do something about it.  But I also knew that you would fight me on it.  You wouldn't want me to get involved or spend my money.  But it was worth it.  It was so worth it to see you free, even if it didn't last forever."

 

"It's ok, Harry.  I do wish you would have told me.  I do wish you would have decided to fight it out with me then, but I do get you trying to protect me."  She forced a small smile up at him.  "You've done so much for me.  And it wasn't selfish at all.  You were trying to protect me.  How could you even call that selfish?"

 

"Because I did it to make sure I helped."  He gave her a weak smile.  "You were so strong, you took him on yourself, and I felt helpless, useless.  And this gave me a sense of purpose."

 

"You're something else, Harry."  Julie said shaking her head.  "It's still not selfish.  It didn't get you anything."

 

"It did.  It gave me an ego boost."  He laughed when her eyes shot up at him.  "What?  It did.  I felt like the man.  Taking care of his woman."

 

Julie chuckled and shook her head.  "Yeah, instead of being the diva we know you are."  She placed her head on his shoulder and under his chin.  "I don't know how this is going to go.  But, if you promise not to leave me because of it.  If you promise to deal with my crazy, my irrationality, my mood swings, my outbursts and my ups and downs, then I know eventually I can get through it."

 

Harry closed his eyes and let out a breath.  "Baby, there is no where I would go.  Not anywhere that I wouldn't bring you with me."

 

"Do you feel better after you beat up the heavy bag?"  She asked him once again perusing over his knuckles.

 

"Yeah, I just imagined the bag was him.  Definitely made me feel better."  He said.  He'd never had the urge to hit someone so badly.  And he had almost done so the first time he saw him.  But now, he'd love to get his hands on him.  Beat the truth out of him.  But he knew that would do no good.  So, he would never do it.

 

"You are way too good to be like him, Harry.  You know there are better ways."  She said pulling back and looking up at him.  "I like that you think before you react.  Well, most of the time."  She kissed his lips gently.

 

"Yeah, most of the time."  He said holding her closely to him again.  Except the time he'd broken up with her.  He sure the hell wasn't thinking then.  And he would keep it to himself, but if Johnny was ever in front of him again.  He wasn't sure thinking is the first thing he'd do.  He felt his muscles tense at the thought.  Yeah, he'd beg for her forgiveness, but he'd punch first, think later.  Then beg her for forgiveness.  That asshole was still causing her pain.  All these years later.  And Harry was done sitting back and watching it happen.  His lawyers had better come up with a damn good way to take it to Johnny, or Harry would have to do it himself.  In less than the most tactful way.


	56. Chapter 56

Julie was sitting alone in her room the next day.  Still feeling the after effects of her hangover, she had to remember whiskey was not her friend.  Harry had to go to a meeting regarding the album, and then he was going to meet with the lawyers and see what they could do regarding this whole crazy situation.  He had asked her to come with him, but she just wasn't ready to face the outside world yet.  She was ok being stuck in Niall's house for the foreseeable future.  The thought of going out and being spotted and dragged through the mud was not a particularly comforting thought.  She had made the mistake of going online, and most specifically on Twitter.  How people could be so mean to someone they didn't even know, because of another person, whom they also didn't know, spoke to the press.  She sat back against the pillow and let the tears flow as she read through the posts.

 

: Can someone provide me with this Julie bitch's address?  I just wanna talk.

 

 

: You have to be legitimately mentally retarded to cheat on @Harry_Styles.

 

 

: LMAO, THIS BITCH ACTUALLY CHEATED ON @HARRY_STYLES WITH THIS TROLL-LOOKING MOTHERFUCKER.

 

 

: @Harry_Styles, bet you're missing @KendallJenner!

 

 

: Raise your hand if you think Julie-WhatsHerFace needs to be committed in a mental institution!!

 

 

: Ayeee, @Harry_Styles is back on the market!

 

 

: Why does @Harry_Styles only attract hoes?

 

 

: ✈️Flying to LA so I can slaughter the bitch who cheated on @Harry_Styles

 

 

: LOL THIS JULIE STUNT IS SO CUTE, NICE JOB JEFF. #LarryISreal #FreeLarry

 

 

: I need to take some hoeing lessons from this Julie bitch. She's managed to snag @ZaynMalik AND @Harry_Styles' dicks. Respect.

 

 

: So she's a struggling songwriter... there ya go. She was using Harry, and when it was clear that her shit sucked, and her career was hopeless, she moved on.

 

 

: .@Harry_Styles deserves better then this hideous, untalented bitch.

 

 

: LOL, @KendallJenner is probably blowing up Harry's phone right now. They were such a hot couple... Can't wait for them to be back.

 

 

: I'm willing to bet a month's salary that Julie has probably also tried to fuck @NiallHoran. Hell, she probably did.

 

 

: All I can picture right now is a heartbroken Harry, and it's sickening. Julie deserves to suffer 10x more.  #SaveHarry

 

 

:  @NiallHoran the woman that you're going to marry was the one who brought Julie into Harry's life. Maybe you should reconsider.  #SaveHarry

 

 

:PSA:  We located, this JJ or Julie's phone number.  Multiple personalities, maybe?  Please hit her up and let her know what we think about her.  310-323-8647.  #SaveHarry

 

 

The #SaveHarry hashtag seemed to have taken on a life of its own.  And they were even bringing Niall and Amanda into this mess.  And the most recent tweet that had been posted 10 seconds ago showed that they'd found her phone number.  Not two seconds later, she started to receive text after text from unknown numbers.  She didn't even bother to look.  She whipped her phone across the room, and it smashed against the wall.  Why?  She had thought before that she must have done something in a previous life in order for this to keep happening.  But if she hadn't met Harry, none of this would have come out.  If she were to meet a normal, everyday, hardworking guy, none of this would be happening.  She shook herself out of it.  She couldn't think like that.  Harry was all of those things.  He just happened to live a very public life.  Even if he tried to keep his personal life, private, he had legions of fans who adored everything about him.  And she knew why, she knew better than anyone.  He was an amazing man.  She put her face in her hands and continued to cry.  She wasn't sure how many tears she had left to spare.

 

Amanda ran into JJ's room when she heard the crash.  She whipped open the door and saw JJ sitting in the middle of her bed sobbing into her hands.  She hurried over towards her and saw her phone lying against the far wall.  She sat on the bed and pulled JJ into her arms.  "I should have kept that phone away from you.  You went on social media, didn't you?"  When JJ didn't answer, she sighed.  "Why?  Why would you do such a thing?"  Amanda slowly rubbed JJ's back trying to calm her down.  When through her sobs, JJ explained that they had found her phone number and were texting her, Amanda froze.  What the fuck was wrong with people?  She resumed slowly rubbing JJ's back after a few moments.  "I'm so sorry, JJ. There's nothing I can say that will make this better.  Some people are just plain nasty."

 

Amanda lay back with JJ and held her for what seemed like hours.  JJ had finally fallen asleep.  She heard the front door open and gently laid JJ on her pillow and got up and walked out.  She figured it would be Harry, as Niall was going to be gone quite late working in the studio.  He had released his first single, This Town, not long ago as a surprise to his fans and was already in plans to do a lot of Jingle Balls and other performances.  He was only going to play the one song, but he would need more material eventually.  He'd offered to stay, but JJ was insistent.  Amanda shut JJ's door and walked over to Harry.

 

"What's wrong?"  Harry asked looking at Amanda's face.  He could tell immediately that something horrible had occurred.  "I tried calling a couple of times.  Her phone's going right to voicemail."

 

"Yeah, it's in pieces on her floor."  Amanda sighed.  "She was looking through social media.  I'm guessing what she read wasn't supportive, to say the least.  And she said that they had found out her number and posted it for everyone to see.  She said she didn't look at them, but she got tons of texts right afterwards.  I hope she didn't look at them.  She just fell asleep, but she cried for hours.  She isn't fighting it at all.  It's really hard to see.  What are we going to do, Harry?"

 

"I don't know, Amanda."  He sighed and went and sat on the couch with her.  He couldn't believe they would post her phone number and attack her directly.  "There's only so much we can do.  It has to die down.  You know.  You've been a part of this.  She's been a part of the mean tweet brigade before."

 

"Yeah, but not to this extent.  I looked at some of the tweets, Harry.  They aren't just mean; they are threatening.  And they not only put her down, but everyone she knows.  They've even blamed Niall and me for bringing her into your life."  Amanda said looking up at Harry.  "It's just going to get worse.  All because of a damn ex-boyfriend whom she broke up with over four years ago."

 

"I know.  And there's only so much the lawyers can do.  I mean, I almost wish she would have sent him to jail when he broke the restraining order the last time."  Harry said leaning his head back against the couch.  "I guess I should get her a new phone, huh?  Maybe I should get one that doesn't have data.  A flip phone, maybe?  Where she can just call or text."  He sighed.  "I don't know how to protect her from this."

 

"I don't think you can, not completely anyway."  Amanda said.  "It's always going to be a part of the relationship.  And I think at one point she had accepted that.  But this is just so much bigger.  It brings back her past and collides it with her future again.  And if she's anything like me, she wants to defend herself, but she knows it won't help.  They will just twist anything she says.  Because those who tell lies first get the benefit of being first.  And even the truth can't overcome that."

 

"That's cynical, is it not?"  Harry questioned Amanda.  "Shouldn't the truth be the best line of defense?  If she says she wasn't engaged to him and that he's lying about being with her when she started seeing me, shouldn't that win?"

 

"Of course, it should."  Amanda shrugged.  "But it won't.  That's the problem.  Anything that you say now, or anything that she says, or anyone says is going to be in direct reaction to what he's already said.  Therefore, it's going to come across to a lot of people she's just making things up.  Come on, Harry.  Doing what you do, being in the public eye so much, you HAVE to know that."

 

"I do, of course I know, but it doesn't mean I don't think that the truth isn't the best way to go."  He sighed and stood up.  "I'm going to order her a phone and then I'll order some dinner.  I doubt I'll be going anywhere tonight.  Or for a while."

 

"I'll have Niall pick up dinner on the way home."  Amanda said looking at her phone.  "He just texted me and said he'd be leaving the studio in about an hour."  She sent Niall the text and then watched Harry.  She could tell he was a bit lost as to what he should do.  How he could help.  He blamed himself for this, as it was his being in the spotlight that caused the back lash.  And, no matter how many times she had told him that he couldn't look at it like that, he still did.  This, as was the past, was all Johnny.  Attention seeking, greedy, selfish son of a bitch, and he would never change.

 

Harry hung up from his assistant after he'd tasked her with getting Julie a new phone under his plan and making sure she had a completely different number.  A private number.  He wondered if he could have them look into the numbers texting her old number before they disconnected it.  He loved his fans.  No doubt.  And he knew that the bad came with the good, but this was too much.  This he couldn't deal with.  Them attacking him was one thing.  He chose this life.  But she didn't. She'd fallen in love with him, and she shouldn't be punished for that.  "Ok, a new phone and phone number will be gotten by tomorrow.  I think it's best she doesn't have one for a little while."

 

Harry was just about to sit down on the couch when he heard a blood curdling scream from the bedroom.  He pushed himself back up by the arm of the couch and ran to Julie's room.  He knew she'd had another dream.  He needed to see if he could get her to schedule an extra therapy session soon.  These dreams weren't good for her.  He wrapped his arms around her small shaking frame and pulled her to him.  She was covered in sweat, and he could feel her heart pounding against his chest.  "Shhhh, baby, it's ok.  I'm here.  Just a dream.  It's not real."  He felt her bury herself into him and try to take some deep breaths to calm herself.

 

He pulled back from her gently after a few minutes and looked down at her face.  "Julie, Amanda told me what happened.  I really wish you wouldn't go online and do this to yourself.  Nothing good can come out of it.  Even though there is some good, the bad always outweighs it.  You know that none of it is true."

 

"But maybe it is."  Julie said between her sobs.  "Maybe I am just this bad."

 

Harry pulled her back to him and held her closely.  He knew better than to argue with her right now.  She was hurt, and sad, and vulnerable.  "You know I don't believe that for a second."

 

"But, I could have done things differently.  So many times." She sniffled and tried harder to calm herself.  Being in Harry's arms always was her safe place.  That hadn't changed.  She felt so much better when she was wrapped in them.

 

"As could everyone, Julie."  He lay back against her pillows and stretched his legs out onto her bed, letting her lay at his side.  He ran his hand over her hair as she rested her head on his chest.  "We all make mistakes.  We all learn from them.  We all make choices.  Choices that aren't always clear.  Please, stop being so hard on yourself.  They don't know the story.  They don't know your past; they don't know our relationship or what happened when we weren't seen together anymore.  They are just making it out to be how they want to see it."

 

"I know that.  But, I just, I don't understand."  She admitted to him.  "I just don't understand."

 

"I would be shocked if you could understand something like this, love."  He kissed her head and took a deep breath letting it out slowly as he rested his head against hers and closed his eyes.  "I got you a new phone.  Well, my assistant is.  It's a new number and on my plan.  And we will change your number every so often so that there's less a chance people find it out."

 

"It doesn't matter, Harry.  It's never going to stop now is it?  As long as we're together this is going to be there."  She said quietly into his chest.

 

"I'm afraid so.  In some capacity."  He squeezed his arms when he felt her start to shake again.  God, he hated this.  This life should not affect the ones he loved so much.  He was grateful that the fans took so well to his mum and his sister, but anyone he dated, or spent time with, there was always drama.  Everyone the fans assumed he was in a relationship with got more hate than they deserved.  Even if they were just friends. This one hit him harder though.  Usually it didn't last long.  The relationships he was in before hadn't been anything set up for long term, and it was always mutual.  This was one he wanted to last.  So this would be even harder.

 

Julie's eyes started to fill with tears again.  She knew.  She always knew that there would be hate thrown at her when people knew she was with Harry.  She had seen some of it while they were together before, but this was something different.  This was more than just her being with Harry.  This was her name being used for scandal and hate.  How she was some serial cheater who just went around making guys fall for her and then cheating on them with another.  She knew she was messed up and that she had a hard time coming back to the conclusion she should be with Harry, but she'd never cheated on anyone.

 

"Baby, please, can you talk to me?"  Harry was a bit worried about her silence in response to this conversation.  What did it mean?  He'd just gotten her back. Was his fame going to chase her away because of some liar and some hateful fans who didn't know their place?  "What are you thinking?  Are we ok?"

 

Julie closed her eyes when Harry asked her if they were ok.  She knew this was hard on him too.  But she couldn't help but think of how different this would be if it wasn't Harry she was with.  She moved her head so she could look up into his eyes.  "Yes, Harry.  I still mean what I said.  If you can deal with all of this, I can get through it.  We can get through it.  I love you.  I won't let this change that."

 

Harry let out a breath dramatically.  "Oh, thank god."  He smiled at her.  "I would have had to handcuff myself to you if I thought you were going to leave me."  He smiled bigger when he saw the corners of her mouth turn up into a brief smile.  The tears were still in her eyes, but at least he'd gotten a smile.

 

"Well, I guess that would start a whole new set of rumors, now wouldn't it?"  Julie said laying back down on his chest.

 

"I want to show you something."  Harry said kissing her head and then pulling out his phone.  He had looked online earlier today too, but he hadn't admitted it.  But he wasn't looking for the hate like she was.  He was looking for the positive.  He pulled up the few tweets he'd saved and started reading them to her.

 

:Does anyone know JJ or Harry personally?  Does anyone know the WHOLE story?  Does anyone know ANY of the story?  Does anyone know this Johnny guy is reliable?  Yeah, that's what I thought.  #TreatPeopleWithKindness  #TreatHarryWithKindness

 

 

:It's sad to see those who call themselves fans ready to judge anyone associated with Harry.  Harry is a good judge of character and we should trust him.  We really don't know JJ and we don't know her past.  Harry and JJ don't deserve this.

 

 

:Were we there?  Do we have a right to judge?  Are we so perfect that we can't see past our own noses to give someone the benefit of the doubt?  #TreatHarryWithKindess

 

 

:Those who live in glass houses should not throw stones.  So, in other words, take your smug judgmental asses and jump off the nearest bridge.  #TreatPeopleWithKindness

 

 

:Oh, so when the media writes crap about Harry being a womanizer, we can see they make it all up, but when there's a story about someone he loves it's all of a sudden gospel?  Idiots.

 

 

:Fuckingjudgmentalasses #TreatPeopleWithKindness

 

"I have to say, the last is my favorite."  Harry chuckled as he put his phone away.  "See, there are people who aren't assholes.  There are people who don't jump on the media's words."

 

"I know.  But it's hard to see the good through all the bad."  She said.  She closed her eyes as he pressed his lips to hers gently.  "I'll get there."

 

"I know you will."  He kissed her nose and then her forehead.  "But in the meantime, let's just eat dinner with our friends.  Let's cut off the outside world, and let's just be happy.  As happy as we can in times like these.  You being in my arms is all I need."

 

"Alright, Harry."  She said sitting up.  "I'm going to shower and pull myself together, and then I'll come out for dinner.  But I don't want to leave the house yet.  I just want to stay in my comfortable little bubble for a while longer."

 

"Deal, we have time."  He kissed her as he got up and helped her up.  "Do you need help in the shower?  I can make sure that you're not too lost in your thoughts to get completely clean."

 

"Ugh, Harry."  She whined.  "I think I can manage my shower without you.  At least this time."  She rolled her eyes and grabbed a change of clothes.  "But, maybe next time I may need your help."  She forced a smile and went into the bathroom.  She managed to get herself in the shower before she had another crying fit.  This was ridiculous.  She hated every second of feeling this overwhelmed.  She had to find away to move past this.  To accept this and to move forward.  She had to.  But she couldn't.  Not just yet.  There was always tomorrow, right?  She closed her eyes and let the warm water run over her tense muscles, hoping it would help her relax.


	57. Chapter 57

It had been two weeks.  TWO WEEKS.  Since the craziness started and Harry had FINALLY gotten Julie to leave the house this morning.  Niall's house.  And the only thing she would agree to was to go to his house.  But hey, it was a start.  The only things she had been willing to do the past two weeks was talk to her therapist, but she even did that via Skype.  She hadn't even wanted to leave the house to go there.  Whatever transpired during the therapy session did seem to help the dreams some.  She didn't have them every night.  But she still did sometimes.  Harry struggled with what to do.  He had no idea how to help her.  Amanda couldn't get Julie to talk, and Niall still couldn't either.  Jaime had stopped by the house, but she wouldn't talk to him. Harry was so desperate he'd even asked Jaime to see if Marcus could stop by.  He did, of course, but Julie wouldn't say more than hi to him either.  Zayn had even called Niall to check on her after he'd seen all the Twitter madness.  Harry clenched his teeth through it, but he even asked Julie to talk to him.  But she wouldn't.  Maybe it was time to bring Louis in.  Louis was the only one that seemed to be able to knock some sense into her.  Harry sent a quick text to Louis, and as he was putting his phone down, he heard Julie.  He looked up from the couch when she walked down the stairs from her shower.

"Go out with me."  He said to her.  He put it more as a statement than a question.  "Go with me to dinner."

"Harry.  You know that's not going to go over well."  She said as she made her way towards the couch.  "I can cook.  Or we can order."

"I don't care how it goes over with anyone else."  He pulled her hand so she sat on his lap.  "I want all the haters to see that we're together.  I want to show everyone that we're together and that we're fine.  I want to ignore everything they say and live our lives.  Together."

"I know it sounds simple.  And it sounds good.  And maybe it's how it should be.  But I don't know if I can handle it."  Julie closed her eyes and buried her face in his neck.

"You can, baby.  You can't stay home forever."  He rubbed her back gently.

"I didn't.  I came here.  My home's at Niall's, and this isn't it."  She said.  She sighed when he pinched her sides.  "I know.  But Harry, it's just.  They haven't stopped.  And it's been two weeks."

"I told you to stay off of social media.  I wish you would listen just once."  Harry pulled back and looked at her.  "Please, let's show them we're stronger together.  Please, baby?"

Julie sighed again and twisted her lips at him.  She shook her head when he stuck his bottom lip out at her.  "Ok, fine.  I will go with you.  But when it all goes wrong, I get to say I told you so."

"Yeah, but I don't expect to hear those words.  Julie, I understand that this is hard for you.  It would be hard on anyone.  But, you can't stay in the house forever.  Some people just suck, and some people just go along with the crowd so they don't get left out.  And some people, actually most people, have no clue what is truly going on."  He kissed her lips and then helped her stand up.  "I'm going to shower, and then we can go.  We can have an early dinner.  Save some room for dessert when we're holed back up here."

Julie groaned, rolled her eyes, and shook her head.  "Of course."  She sat back down and turned on the tv.  She didn't know why, because she wouldn't really watch any of it.  She watched him bound up the stairs.  Harry probably wanted to do this quickly so that she wouldn't change her mind.  This whole situation was hard on her; all she really wanted was to have it be her, Harry, Niall, and Amanda.  She knew it was impossible, but right now there was just too much going on, and she couldn't process it all.  Therapy was helping her through. Her therapist was helping her see that she did have Harry for support, and she could count on Niall and Amanda.  The rest, she still couldn't open up to.  She heard the door bell, and seriously thought about ignoring it, but there weren't many people who actually came and rang Harry's bell.  She got up and looked at the monitor which showed who was at the door.  She let out a breath and then opened it.  "Louis, I'm surprised to see you."

Louis smiled and kissed her cheek as he walked in.  "Ah, so your boyfriend didn't tell you that he called me to come kick your ass?"  He walked over towards the counter and perched himself on a stool.  "Seems you're being a bit more difficult than usual.  Time for me to straighten you out."

Julie rolled her eyes and walked into the kitchen opposite side of the counter from him.  "Coffee?  Tea?  Might as well have something while you lecture me."

"Tea.  Let's see if your American ass has learned anything since you've been with a Brit."  He said drumming his hands on the counter.  He watched her put the water in the kettle and put it on the stove.  She then immediately busied herself getting the tea bags and mugs.  "Love, you really need to relax a little.  I get that trying to keep your mind off of it seems best.  But you should just deal with it.  Get it over with."

"Get it over with?"  She turned and looked at him.  "Louis, how do you expect me to just get over it?"  She leaned back on her hands on the counter by the stove.  "It's not something that's just hung around for a minute.  It's STILL going on.  And I don't see an end in sight."

"It will end.  Everything does.  They will move on to something else."  He sighed.  "JJ, I'm not going to sugar coat it.  Anything that they can grab onto they are going to do so.  And there will be some positive, but the loudest are always the negative.  It's not fair, and it's hurtful, and there's no fighting it, but you already know you're strong enough to deal with it."

"No, I don't."  She said as she turned the kettle off.  She poured the water into the mugs over the tea bags.  She put the cream and sugar on the counter and grabbed the honey.  The only way she could drink tea was to add a lot of honey.  She let her tea steep for a bit before she continued.  "I prepared myself for the onslaught of simply being the one Harry chose to let into his life.  And I dealt with it.  It was easy to ignore, because it was nothing more than jealousy.  Which I understood.  He's a great guy and a dream for many.  But Johnny, not only bringing my past into this, but lying about it.  I mean, he's hateful, and a liar, and a bully, and...."

"A complete piece of shit."  Louis continued as he saw the tears in her eyes.  He smiled when he got a tear-filled chuckle from her.

"Yes, a complete piece of shit."  She looked up at him as a tear escaped the corner of her eye.  "But, he's got people believing everything he has said because, well, I don't really know why."

"Because they are looking for any and everything to justify what they want to feel or say."  Louis said as he took his tea bag out and added the cream and sugar.  He took a sip and smiled.  "Not bad for an American."

"Thanks, cuz it's so hard."  Julie said shaking her head.

"Well, you're ruining yours with all that honey."  He laughed as she rolled her eyes again.  "JJ, you seriously need to snap out of it.  Show them that you belong with Harry.  Show them that you're above their bullshit.  Be proud to be the girl on Harry's arm.  It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.  He loves you.  Harry chose you.  He wants you in his life, and that's all that should matter in the end."

"Of course, that's all that should matter.  But you, of all people, should know what it feels like to get unwanted disrespect."  Julie said taking another drink and setting the mug down.

"I do, there are always rumors, there's always hate, there's always lies.  People do it for attention.  They seek the retweets and likes and comments.  Everyone's always looking for their 15 minutes of fame.  One mean tweet leads to another, and before you know, it it's an avalanche of people voicing their opinions.  And sometimes it's not even truly their opinions, they get caught up in the crowd and follow along with whoever speaks the loudest; and like I said, the loudest is almost always the negative."  He reached over the counter and rested his hand over hers.  "Be louder than the negative.  And do that by being silent.  Just, be.  That's the last thing they want.  They feed off of your misery.  Show them you're not miserable, and they will get bored quick."

"But I am miserable."  She said watching Louis frown at her.  "Ok, I get it.  And I guess we're going out to dinner soon.  But, it's going to be hard.  No matter what you say, whispers and stares are hard."

"Of course they are love, but show them you're a bitch ass rock star."  Louis laughed at the look on her face.  "You've made it through worse.  These people don't know you, remember that.  And they don't deserve to know you."

"He's right, ya know."  Harry said descending the stairs.  He walked over and hugged Louis briefly.  "Thanks for coming, man."

"Of course, you knew I would."  He said.

"You shouldn't set me up like that, Harry.  It's not nice."  Julie said.  "Do you want some tea?"

"No, I'll just take a water."  He said going and grabbing one from the fridge.  "Louis is the only one who can get you to listen.  Something about his total lack of concern over how you will take what he says."

"Yeah, that's true.  He doesn't care."  Julie said looking from Harry over to Louis and raising her eyebrows.

"Not true, love.  I care a lot.  That's why I bother."  Louis stood up and walked around and hugged Julie.  "I have to go, I'm heading home tonight.  Just be that strong, stubborn, badass I know you can be."

Julie hugged him tight.  Louis was going through his own struggles right now, but he still took time to come give her hell.  "Tell everyone we're thinking of them.  Give all those beautiful brothers and sisters of yours, lots of hugs, and take lots of love to share with your mom."

Louis smiled at her and kissed her cheek.  "See, you're pretty badass.  I will definitely do so."  He hugged Harry again and nodded when Harry reiterated the sentiments.  "Just, be happy together, take care of each other."

"Ok, stop being so sweet."  Julie said smiling at him, her eyes glistening in spite of herself.  "Thanks, Louis.  You're an amazing friend."  She walked him towards the door.  "Call us if you need anything."

"I will, for sure."  He kissed her cheek one more time and waved to Harry as he left.

Julie closed the door and turned to Harry crossing her arms over her chest.  "Really?  You called Louis?"

"Well, do you blame me?  I wasn't getting anywhere.  And you already seem to be thinking harder about what he said.  I'm going to use him more often.  If I were to talk to you like he does I can only imagine how much trouble I'd be in."  Harry said grabbing his keys.

"Damn straight."  She said as she cleaned up the kitchen putting everything in the dishwasher.

"Come on, let's go eat.  I'm famished."  He said.  He waited for her to walk up to him and locked up taking her to the car.  "Sushi?"  Harry laughed at the look on her face.  Julie absolutely hated sushi.  He never got to go to his favorite sushi restaurant with her.  "Come on, there has to be something you'd like.  You can try it, and if you hate everything, I will swing by In and Out on the way home for you.  All the grease you want."

"Ugh, fine.  You're so lucky I love you."  She said to him as she sat back and watched out the window.

He chuckled.  "That I am."  He smiled as he drove to the restaurant.  It wasn't much, but that's as much crap as she'd given him in a couple weeks.  When they pulled up and parked, he could tell she was a bit more tense and nervous.  He got out of the car, walked around, and opened her door.  "Come on, baby.  We got this." He pulled her out by the hand and walked towards the restaurant.  She tried to pull her hand away, but he wouldn't let her.  He opened the door and let her walk in first.  The restaurant was a little busier than he'd expected.  He took a deep breath and talked to the host.  They took them towards the back of the restaurant which was a bit quieter.  He saw the looks and knew she did too as she never looked up from her feet.  He pulled out her chair and looked up at a table of girls not too far from them.  They were whispering and pointing.  They weren't quite as quiet as they thought they were though.

Julie looked at Harry when he took a step towards the table of the girls who had decided to start in on how they couldn't believe that he was still with her, how they can't believe that he'd bring her out in public.  "Don't, please."

"Oh, I'm going to."  He moved a piece of hair behind her ear and then walked towards the table.  "Excuse me, I couldn't help but overhear your conversation.  I apologize for eavesdropping; however, it didn't seem you were trying too hard to keep it quiet.  I would appreciate it if you could maybe think about how your words can affect other people."  He kept his voice calm, but he was firm in his statement.  "You don't know her, and the things you say can be extremely hurtful.  I would consider it a personal favor if maybe you could think about treating people with kindness before you say things you can't take back.  I'd like to enjoy dinner with my girlfriend, without having to defend her to strangers."  He smiled briefly, thanked them for their time and turned on his heel to go back to Julie.

"I can't believe you can be so calm all the time."  Julie said to him looking up from the table.  "You're too good to be true sometimes."

"I can't preach it, and then not show it."  He reached over and put his hand over hers.  "Kindness isn't hard.  I believe that everyone can be a bit more kind.  But trust me, it would have been easier to tell them what I really thought about their words."  He squeezed her hand and then ordered their dinner.  He ordered a bunch of different foods.  He was excited to be able to eat here with her.  He ate his fill, and Julie had barely touched hers.  "So, I guess we're stopping at In and Out on the way home."  He chuckled.

"Sorry, I just don't know how you eat this stuff."  Julie shivered at the little rolls on her plate.  "I can barely look at it."

Harry laughed.  "Well, thanks for putting up with it while I enjoyed my dinner."

"Sure."  She said.  Before she continued she looked over Harry's shoulder.  A group of young women were approaching them, but they seemed unsure of themselves.  Julie wasn't sure what to expect.  Some people were awful bold.  Like the ones who Harry had confronted earlier.  "Harry."  She said as she nodded behind him.  She watched him get up and intercept the young women.  She couldn't hear what they were saying, but he seemed to relax a little more as they spoke.  He nodded and then started walking them over to the table.  What?  Why would he do that?

"Julie, this is Kim, Rhonda, Lori, and Aubrey.  They asked if they could come say something to you."  Harry said giving her a reassuring smile.  He could tell she was nervous and scared by the way she was gripping the napkin on the table.

"Hey," Kim said to her.  "We just wanted to come apologize for, well, half of Harry's fans.  We heard what the other girls were saying and wanted you to know that there are also a bunch of us who don't think bad about you."

"Yeah," Rhonda continued.  "There are actually quite a few of us, but we know that what you see is mostly negative.  We obviously don't know this Johnny guy, but we know how Harry is, and if he loves you, then we do, too."

Lori nodded.  "Yeah, there are no excuses for anyone judging you the way they have, and we'd like you to know that we are happy that you make Harry happy."

Aubrey smiled at Julie.  "You're beautiful.  And we can see the way he looks at you. I hope you can ignore those who can't seem to accept who Harry spends his time with."

"Anyway," Kim said.  "Thank you for giving us some of your time.  I hope things get easier for you."

Julie fought the tears that were gathering in her eyes.  She couldn't look up at the women as they were speaking.  She had felt Harry put a reassuring hand on her shoulder, but it was still difficult.  She was grateful that they had come over to encourage her.  Especially since they knew nothing about her.  She took a deep breath to calm her emotions and then looked up at them.  "Thank you, for being so kind.  Your words mean a lot.  I'm grateful, really."  She smiled at them and watched Harry take the time to hug each one of them.  He squeezed them tightly and then thanked each of them individually.  He really was the kindest man she knew.  She stood up and was surprised when each of them asked her for a hug.  This was a first.  They asked for a picture with the two of them.  Julie tried to get it so that she took the picture of them with just Harry, but they were insistent.  They stopped a waitress with a simple name tag that said "Jo" and she took the picture for them.  Jo then got her own selfie with Harry and smiles were plentiful.

Harry hugged them all one more time.  "Thank you, again for showing that there are still kind people left in the world.  I just ask, wait a bit before you share that picture please, we don't want a stampede down here at the restaurant."  They agreed, and Harry pulled Julie into a hug smiling down at her.  "That was nice, wasn't it?"

"Yes, of course."  Julie said sitting back down.  She felt a bit overwhelmed at the kindness that those fans showed her.

"I'm going to pay the bill, and then we'll go so we can get you some dinner."  He said as he took the bill to pay it.  Harry watched Julie look down at her hands.  He could tell she was trying to comprehend what just happened.  He hoped it would give her just that little bit of hope that this would be ok.  He was grateful for those types of fans.  Ones who loved him for his music and the songs he put out and also accepted his personal life and his choices.  They were very kind.  He wished there were more out there like them.  They also hadn't asked him for anything.  After he paid the bill, he walked over to the table they were sitting at.  He asked if he could have contact information for one of them.  He didn't have anything going on at the moment, but he wanted to make sure they knew how much he appreciated their kindness.

Julie watched Harry interacting with those fans again, and the looks of admiration on their faces made her smile.  He was such a good man.  And those were the fans that deserved his attention.  She watched him walk back towards her and stood up.  "You just made their lives with less than 15 minutes of interaction.  That's power."  She said taking his hand as he reached for her.  She walked by his side and waved to the women who had been so kind to her.

"Yeah, it's fans like those that remind me why I do this.  They are much more important to listen to than all those that throw hate around."  He replied opening the door and walking her to the car.  "So, you seem to feel a bit better about being out with me."  He smiled as he looked at her with her head up and walking right next to him instead of slightly behind.

"Yeah, I guess kind words really do have an affect on people.  I'm not sure I'm exactly comfortable.  But, I love you, and guess it's just time to TRY not to care about who knows it."  Julie said sliding into her seat as he closed her door.

"Oh, you're going to get extra greasy food tonight.  That's the best thing I've heard."  He laughed as she laughed at him.  "I love you, too.  And it's time we just lived our relationship and stopped worrying about cameras and media.  We don't have to walk around throwing ourselves into the open, but we don't have to continue to avoid things we enjoy because we're worried about it either."

"Alright, Harry.  I'll try.  But there may be times when I just can't."  She said as he drove towards In and Out.

"I know.  But, showing a united front is what we need to do.  Their words can't shake us together.  They may shake you for a while.  But as long as they don't shake us as a couple, we can make it through together."  Harry smiled at her.  "I also want to get you away from here for a while.  Come home with me for the holidays.  It's quieter and less chaotic.  I think it will be good for you.  And for us."  He smiled and kissed her hand when Julie agreed without argument.  "Oh, I love when you're agreeable."  He laughed when she pulled her hand from his and backhanded him.  "I love you, baby."


	58. Chapter 58

Julie sat back in the car and looked out the window.  It had been a few days since she and Harry had been spotted in the sushi restaurant.  They had plans to leave for the UK later that week.  She was going to be seeing a new therapist, and the doctor had wanted to meet in person before they had their sessions via Skype while Julie was overseas.  The therapist had also wanted Harry to come if Julie would be comfortable with it.  Of course, Harry jumped for the chance.  He wanted to see how it worked, how she was dealing with things for the past couple of years.

 

"Julie?  Are you sure you're ok with this?  I don't want to force it on you and make your therapy uncomfortable."  Harry asked looking over at her.  He knew it was at least bothering her a little bit as she had been extremely quiet this morning while they ate breakfast and got ready.

 

"Yeah, it's ok.  The new therapist thinks it's important, and I guess there aren't any secrets."  Julie said forcing a small smile at him.

 

"Well, that wasn't exactly convincing, love."  He took her hand and held it between them.

 

"It's really ok, just, let it go, ok?"  She said holding his hand.  "It's therapy, I open up, a lot, it's a new therapist and you're coming for the first time.  I'm just trying to get my head wrapped around all of that."

 

"So, why are you seeing someone else?"  Harry asked her.  He was always afraid to ask her too much about her therapy.  It was her safe place, her personal space.

 

"My therapist is moving and taking on a different type of patient.  And the new one is supposed to specialize in my type of trauma.  She's highly recommended.  I guess we'll see how well we mesh together.  She agreed to do sessions over Skype while I'm in the UK, but she just wanted to meet face to face at least once before I left."  Julie got out of the car when Harry parked and came around and opened her door.

 

"Well, I won't get in the way. I'm not sure why she wanted to meet me, also."  He commented taking her hand as he walked her into the medical complex.

 

"You're a very big part of my life.  There has to be a balance.  There has to be a partnership between the healing of my past as well as the direction of my present and future.  You're right in the middle of that right now."  Julie replied going to open the door, but he beat her to it.   Always the consummate gentleman.  "I just hope you're not bored.  It's not exactly what I would call entertaining."

 

"I'm not here to be entertained.  I'm here to support you and to learn more.  To see what I can do to help you."  He said as he waited for her to check into reception and then went to the waiting area with her.  "How come I seem more nervous than you are?"  Harry asked as she sat back and crossed her legs.

 

"I've done this before?"  Julie shrugged.  "I just hope you're prepared to hear what's going to be said in that room.  They don't like it when you're quiet during your therapy session."

 

"I'm ready.  I think we've been through quite a bit together, before we broke up, after, and now that we're back together."  Harry said holding her hand again.  "Did you talk about me in your previous therapy sessions?"

 

"Really?  A bit narcissistic thinking my thoughts revolve all around you."  She smirked and looked at him.  "Of course, I did.  Don't act surprised.  You were and are a huge part of everything I do."

 

"Well, I can't say I'm mad about that."  He chuckled as he heard the receptionist say the doctor would see Julie now.  He got up and held her hand tightly as he walked towards the room with her.

 

"It's ok Harry, they aren't trying to hack your brain they're only trying to hack mine.  You'll live."  Julie laughed at him.  She reached out her hand to shake the doctor's when they got in the room.

 

"Julie, it's nice to meet you. I'm Dr. Smythe.  But you can call me Jordan.  I'd like you to be as comfortable as you can be."   The doctor turned to Harry and shook his hand.  "You must be Harry.  Please, have a seat, and we can get started."  Jordan sat in her chair as Julie and Harry sat on the couch next to each other.  "I'd like you to know, Julie, I've read your file. I'm familiar with what you spoke about with Dr. Parker.  So, I'm comfortable with the back story.  Instead of going backwards, I'd like, today, to talk about the newest set back.  The problem that's causing the issues at the moment."

 

Julie looked down and concentrated on her hands in her lap.  Seemed to be how all of her therapy sessions went.  The only way she could open up was to concentrate on nothing but her hands.  "Alright."

 

"How are you feeling today?  Not yesterday, not the week before, but today."  The doctor asked as she rested her notebook on her lap.

 

"Right now, I feel ok.  When I'm alone, or just with Harry, or Niall and Amanda, I feel ok.  It's like I'm protected from everything.  No one wants me to look and see what's being said.  What people think.  What they've made up or what's been reported from Johnny's mouth."  Julie responded quietly.

 

"How does that make you feel?  Having them decide what you should or shouldn't do?"  Jordan asked.  She put her hand up to stop Harry from interrupting.

 

"I don't know.  I guess it's not like that.  They know it will hurt me.  They know what people are saying wouldn't do me any good."  Julie shrugged her shoulders slightly.

 

"Yes, I understand, but don't you think that maybe you should decide when you have seen enough?  What you should or shouldn't see?"  Jordan asked as she jotted things down in her notebook.

 

"Not really.  I mean, I wouldn't know when to give up.  Deep down, I know that people don't know me.  That I'm not really the way that they say.  But if you hear it so much, I guess you just start to believe it."  Julie admitted.

 

"And you've had that happen before?"  Jordan interjected.  "It seems to be something you're used to?  Something that was easy to accept again?"

 

"I don't know."  Julie sighed.  "Maybe, I mean, just seems easier to believe the bad, than the good."  She looked at the doctor who urged her to continue.  "I just, it seems like whenever things seem to get better.  If you can say it that way.  When things seem to come together and settle, then something comes in and messes it up.  My entire life, it seems like if I'm involved, everything just goes wrong."

 

"Julie...."  Harry started.  It was hard for him to listen to her talk like that.  But Jordan stopped him from interrupting again.  She told him to let Julie continue.

 

"I thought, with Johnny, I was lucky and found someone when I was so young who loved me and wanted to take care of me.  I was wrong.  He just wanted to have me young so that I was easier to control.  To train.  Then I finally got out.  I left, and I just avoided everything.  And then my life changed again.  By meeting another man."  She clenched her hands together.  She didn't want to talk about all of this with Harry sitting right here.  But she could tell that's what her therapist wanted her to do.  Wanted Harry to hear exactly what was going on.

 

"Baby," Harry whispered.  "It's ok."  He looked up when Jordan all but scolded him again for interrupting her.

 

Julie continued when Jordan was persistent.  And by persistent meaning that she let it become extremely and uncomfortably quiet until Julie started talking again.  "I met Harry, and no matter how much I fought myself mostly, I couldn't help but let him in.  He was just so different than what I was used to.  He was kind, and generous to a fault, and cheeky.  He put me first so many times, and he cared about what I thought.  I thought he understood me better than anyone in my life."

 

"But?"  The doctor prompted.  "There's a but in there, because you said you thought he understood.  You don't think he does anymore?"

 

"I, just, things just changed."  Julie said sniffling and playing with her own fingers.  "I stood up to Johnny.  Everyone thinks I was brave and that I wasn't scared.  But I was.  I was really scared.  But I pretended I wasn't.  I forced myself to confront him.  To say the things I said.  To let him go, to be the bigger person.  And then everyone was so proud of me.  Everyone thought that I got away from my fear.  But I didn't.  It just shifted.  It became a different fear.  A fear of the unknown.  I spent SO much time dealing with my fear of Johnny, my fear of being found, of being beaten, of being dragged back to a life that almost killed me, that when I wasn't as afraid of any of that, I didn't know what was going to happen.  I didn't know who I was, or how to find myself."

 

Harry listened closely to her words.  It was difficult, but the doctor would stop him every time he tried to disagree.  But, he realized quickly that was the point.  He needed to hear what Julie was feeling.  What she felt then and what she's feeling now.  He was learning new things after all this time.  He wanted to reach for her hands, but Jordan subtly told him not to.  She was a very kind, very quiet doctor who just encouraged Julie slightly to continue talking.  He could see the tenseness in Julie's shoulders and her uncomfortableness, but he had instinctively trusted the doctor.

 

Julie took the tissue from Jordan and squeezed it in her hand.  "I was so confused.  I didn't know what to do.  I didn't know if I should count on other people at all.  Or at least a lot.  I thought that was what I was trying to get away from.  From relying on someone to control my life and what I was doing.  But I didn't know how to balance it.  What was ok and what wasn't?  What should I accept help with, and what should I do on my own?  I did what I thought was best at the time. I felt out different things, went to do things that I never thought I would ever do.  But it wasn't right either.  I never knew that I was just sabotaging myself in a different way."

 

Julie took another deep breath.  "I tried so hard, because I thought I had those who understood.  I thought I knew what other people wanted from me.  That they wanted me to do things on my own.  Be myself, take care of myself, be a little bit selfish, and be happy with what I wanted going forward.  But the moment I started to do that, the moment I started to really accept I might be able to do that, when I thought I may be on the verge of finding a happy balance, things changed again.  Quickly, and I was even more lost than I was before."

 

Jordan handed Harry a tissue when she noticed that his eyes were full of tears.  She urged him to still remain silent.  She thought he needed to hear the thoughts that Julie had, that were adding fuel to the situation at hand.  "When Harry broke up with you?"  She was glad that Dr. Parker had sent really detailed notes.

 

"Yes, I wondered what I had done wrong, again.  It seems like whenever I try to do something for myself, whenever I try to make myself happy, something goes wrong.  He left me because he didn't think I was scared anymore.  That I didn't need him.  But he was wrong.  I probably needed him more than I ever did.  And I was broken.  I wasn't sure what to do after that.  And I fought.  I fought hard.  And I was mad.  I was mad at myself.  I let it happen even though I knew it would never work out for me."  Julie opened the water sitting next to her and took a sip.  Everyone remained quiet, and when they did, she just kept talking.

 

She set the water back on the table.  "For months I did nothing but work and sleep and concentrate on anything but my life.  I ignored everything, including Harry.  Which isn't easy when you move in with one of his best friends, but I couldn't deal with it.  I never knew anything could feel like that.  I was able to easily remove myself from Johnny's wrath.  When I expected him to hit me, I just detached.  I knew that I would heal physically, and my heart wasn't in it for a very long time.  As difficult a time as it was, I managed because I was able to heal physically quickly, but I never had to worry about my heart.  Not for a long time.  With Harry, it was different."  She was rambling.  Nothing ever spilled from her this easily.  The doctor barely said anything, and she was spilling every detail.  Julie finally raised her eyes and looked at Harry.  He was now staring at his lap.  Tears dripping onto his cheeks.  She immediately reached for him.  "I'm sorry, I'm sorry.  We can move on to something else."  She said comforting him.

 

"No."  Harry said quietly raising his head and looking at her.  This time Jordan didn't interrupt him.  "I think I need to hear this.  All of it.  I think I need to hear it from you."

 

"I don't want to hurt you because of things I felt.  I love you."  God it was hard seeing him hurt.  She didn't want him to hurt.

 

"Julie."  Jordan said calmly.  "This is about you, and you need to get everything out.  Instead of stopping because of someone else's feelings.  Don't you think it's time we get to the bottom of everything?  Why you feel the way you do?  Why the words he says now seem to be affecting your relationships outside of him?"

 

"I just, I don't, I'm so..."  Julie stumbled through her words.  She let go of Harry's hands and clasped hers back in her lap.  "I'm just tired of hurting everyone, just trying to figure out me.  It's like I can't grasp who I am.  What I'm supposed to do.  Who I'm supposed to be."

 

"Let's just continue from where you were.  Ok?"  Jordan prodded.  She nodded to Harry and then waited for Julie to continue.

 

"The hurt when Harry broke off our relationship.  The pain I felt was something I wasn't prepared for.  It wasn't something I was able to detach from.  No matter how hard I tried.  No matter how much I pushed it aside, it always came back, and always worse than it was."  Julie continued quietly.  She felt like she was back in that time running through everything in slow motion.  "And I thought I could control it.  When he came back around, every time I saw him, my heart felt like it was breaking into even smaller pieces.  I missed him so much.  But he didn't want me.  I became too much.  Everything became too much.  Just like I knew it would.  I was broken.  I was always broken.  No matter what they saw.  No matter how many times they said I was strong, I never felt it."

 

She took a deep breath.  "I didn't want to let him back into my life, because I didn't want to feel that anymore.  But it never stopped.  I was miserable, just like I used to be.  So, my new fake strong self, decided I should let him back in.  That even allowing him in as an acquaintance would help me.  But it was SO confusing.  One minute I wanted to be with him every second.  Being in his arms and remembering how I felt when we were together.  When I felt like I was finally feeling happiness.  But I really didn't know what happiness was.  And the next minute, memories would come back to how horrible I felt when I was without him.  And I would freak out.  And at that moment I just wanted to push him away again.  And it was so back and forth that I drove myself crazy."

 

She took another shaky deep breath and another drink of water.  "And then I decided to just go all in.  Take him back, try to be happy.  Let him make me feel safe and protected and content.  And not so alone.  And it felt good.  I felt like I belonged again, as much as I ever had.  I admit, I never feel like I belong completely, but with him, it's always more than without him.  And I allowed myself to lean towards that happiness again.  To watch my friends get ready to commit to their love and their lives together, and to finally be ok with that because I had someone again that I could count on when Panda ran off and ruled the world with Niall.  But I should have known.  I should have known that I'm just not allowed to be happy.  I let my guard down.  And then, I got smacked in the face with Johnny again.  I finally let myself accept that I might be happy, and once again I get thrown under the bus, not with the truth either, but with lies.  The only truth is that I was with him, at one time."

 

Julie couldn't stop the tears or the emotion in her voice any longer.  She struggled to continue speaking.  "I should know better than to let anyone get close to me.  Because when they do, everything gets messed up.  I mess everything up just by existing.  It's bad enough that lies and hate get spread about me and to me, but to bring the few people I have and am close to into the same mess is too much.  Amanda and Niall, Harry and Marcus.  They don't deserve this.  Not from a choice that I made years before I even knew them.  I cause problems every where I step.  Especially, if for one second, I feel like I can MAYBE be happy.  I'm just a menace to anyone and everyone who chooses to let me into their lives."

 

Harry couldn't take it anymore.  He didn't care if the doctor wanted him to remain silent.  "Don't say that, please."  He fought the lump in his throat and the emotional tightness in his chest and took her hands.  He wanted to pull her tighter to him, but he didn't know if he should.  "I don't want you to think that.  I don't believe that.  You, Julie, you didn't cause any of this.  I can't...I don't want you to feel like because you chose to be with someone when you were 19 years old that it's your fault he's causing trouble.  That is not your fault.  And it's MY fault that he sold the story.  If I wasn't such a good story, if I wasn't well known, then he wouldn't have had the opportunity.  That isn't your fault either.  You don't seriously blame yourself for that do you?"  He didn't even know what to say.  He wasn't sure how he could make her see that he never looked at her as a problem.  He would never blame her for any of this.  But, wait.  It wasn't that.  SHE blamed HERSELF.  She believed that she was the cause of everything going on.  She didn't blame him; she blamed herself.  He cupped her cheek and leaned his forehead on her head.  "God, please don't blame yourself for this."  He couldn't handle her silence.  He wanted to continue, but the doctor beat him to it.

 

"I think, we've made good progress today."  Jordan said setting her notebook aside.  "What I need you to do, both of you, is to try and stop placing blame on yourselves.  You can't blame yourselves to try and protect the other person.  It's not going to get you anywhere.  I know it's not easy.  I know it's harder to understand the bad things that happen, especially when you feel like it happens every time you start to get comfortable, but Julie, try and understand that you have these others that want to be what you need.  Neither of you blames each other, so stop blaming yourselves.  And Harry, sometimes, you need to listen.  Not respond, not counter, not tell her what she shouldn't feel.  But listen to her.  Let her talk, let her tell you what she's feeling, what her insecurities are, what she's afraid of, without trying to tell her she's wrong."

 

Harry nodded.  Did he try too hard to show Julie that she wasn't what she thought she was that he actually invalidated her feelings?  Is that why he'd missed the fact that she thought all this stuff was happening because she let herself feel happy with him?  Did she feel by being happy that she interrupted the balance of the universe so it all came back to get her?  Why hadn't he seen it?  Why wouldn't she tell him?  Or did he just not listen?  When they stood up, Harry pulled her tightly into his arms.  He needed to feel her in them.  He needed to hold her.

 

Julie couldn't say anything right now.  She was emotionally drained.  She felt like she was wading through a fog of emotions, and she couldn't quite find the way out.  She shook Jordan's hand as did Harry and agreed to see her one more time before she went to the UK for the holidays.  She walked out in silence and let Harry open the car door and shut it before going around and getting in himself.  She buckled up and took a deep breath.  She couldn't wait to go home and wash her face.  It felt so dirty from crying so much in that session.  Julie hadn't realized that she blamed the whole situation on the fact that she was too close to happiness.  That it was her fault simply because she'd allowed herself to be with Harry and work her way towards happiness again.  But it was right there.  It was exactly how she felt.

 

Harry didn't force her to talk on the drive home.  He knew that whole session had been hard on her.  And he'd learned a lot.  He realized after her revelations in the session that she cut herself off a lot when they would talk previously.  She would feel him out, and if it started to hurt him, if he started to disagree, she would pull herself back, and he never fully listened, and had never fully known what was going on with her.  He felt like he needed to set up his own therapy session after that.  He understood why she was worn out a lot.  Especially after she had appointments with her doctors.  The emotional toll it must have taken on her every time she spoke about the details, and about how she felt about herself.  Harry was very glad he went.  He'd learned a lot.  But he didn't know how to move on from it.  How to deal with it or help her through it.  It ran a lot deeper than he'd thought, and he knew things were deep.  He reached over and took her hand.  "Julie."

 

"Just, not right now, Harry, ok?"  She said to him.  She laced her fingers through his and held his hand willingly, but she just couldn't bring herself to discuss this in detail anymore.  "I just can't, right now.  Please."

 

"Yeah, of course."  He said picking her hand up and kissing the back of it.  "I'm going to stop for ice cream.  We deserve a triple scoop."  She deserved a hell of a lot more.  The feelings and the ups and downs that she was experiencing.  One session and he was exhausted.  And she dealt with this on a daily basis.  Julie's thinking that she wasn't strong was the biggest misconception she could have.  She was definitely one of the strongest women he'd ever met.  He glanced at her when she didn't say anything.  She was just watching out the window as they drove through LA.  He was never more convinced that she was the right one for him, and fuck everyone else who thought otherwise.


	59. Chapter 59

UHarry was sitting on the couch at Niall and Amanda's a few days after the therapy session he'd attended with Julie.  They were leaving for the UK late that evening.  Niall and Amanda were flying over also.  Spending some time in London and then heading to Ireland for the holidays.  Julie had left to go to her second scheduled therapy session about a half an hour ago.  He accepted the bottle of water Amanda handed him as she walked into the living room from the kitchen.  "Thanks."  He muttered opening the bottle and taking a drink.

 

"Harry, what's wrong with you?"  Amanda asked sitting on the couch next to him.  "You've seemed a bit distant the past couple of days."

 

Harry sighed.  He wasn't sure how much he should share with Amanda.  Part of his problem was figuring out how to navigate the thoughts swimming around his girlfriend's head.  "Have you ever attended a therapy session with her?"  He asked looking at Amanda.

 

Amanda shook her head.  "No, I haven't.  Have you?"

 

"Yeah, I went the other day.  She has a new therapist, and she wanted to see Julie before we left for London.  Jordan, the therapist, asked if it was ok if I came along, and even though I could tell Julie wasn't thrilled with the idea, she asked me."  Harry looked down and played with the water bottle in his hands.

 

"You've been spending too much time with JJ."  Amanda said gently removing the bottle from his hands.  "Always trying to keep your hands busy when you're thinking now.  Is that what this is about?  You're looking a bit sad these days.  Did something happen?"

 

"I don't know what I should say.  That's the thing.  I almost felt like I was eavesdropping on a conversation I wasn't meant to hear.  Actually, it wasn't really a conversation.  I don't think I've ever heard her talk so much.  Or maybe I've just never taken the time to listen so much?"  He queried looking over at Amanda.  "I swear, there were things I knew, but there were things I just never understood.  The way she feels, Amanda, I swear I wish I could just take that from her."

 

"What do you mean?"  Amanda asked.  She was now a bit concerned about JJ.  What had spooked Harry so much he wasn't his cheeky, playful self that he usually was?  "You're freaking me out a little bit here, you know that?"

 

"Sorry, it's just, I almost feel like I'm breaking confidence.  Do you think that we've tried so hard to get her to see that she's wrong in doubting herself that we just invalidated her true feelings?  Like we just wouldn't let her tell us what she really needed?"  Harry took a deep breath to try to steady his emotions.  The past couple of days he'd been caught deep in thought wondering if what he was doing was just as bad as what Johnny had done to Julie.  Trying to get her to feel the way he felt she should.  "Have we been just as bad as Johnny in all of this?"

 

"What?  Harry, come on."  Amanda replied shocked.  "Seriously?"

 

"Yes, seriously, she trusts us as much as she can trust anyone, and every time she's tried to tell us how she's felt, we've basically stopped her and told her she was wrong.  That she shouldn't feel the way she did.  That she shouldn't be so down on herself and that she was stronger and better than she thought she was.  But we never LISTENED as to why she felt that way.  And did you notice that as soon as we did that, she stopped?  She stopped talking.  So, all we did was make her bottle right back up."

 

Amanda sat quietly and listened to Harry.  "Jesus.  What happened in that therapy session?"  She asked as she looked down at her hands now.  "Does she really feel that way?  Like we've been trying to control her?"

 

"I don't know if that's it exactly.  But the things she said, the details she went into.  How she feels that all of this is her fault, because she chose to be happy and she should know better."  Harry sighed and leaned back against the couch.  "I feel like I'm in therapy now, trying to sort this all out.  That doctor basically told me to shut up and listen in a lot more of a subtle way.  And that's when I noticed it.  I tried to interrupt her thoughts, her words when she was explaining her feelings.  And then when she noticed I was upset, she stopped cold.  Her whole demeanor changed. She went into trying to protect me instead of continuing to get out what she felt.  Do I really make her feel that way?"

 

"Wow, maybe it was good for her that you went, but I'm not so sure it was good for you."  Amanda leaned back on the couch next to him and looked over at him.  "I don't even know what to say, if I'm honest.  I never thought of it that way either.  But what are you thinking?  If both of you act the way you've been acting the past couple of days, I'm not sure I can take it."  Amanda said jokingly.  But now she started thinking hard about how things were when JJ shared what was going on inside her with them.  Did they really just disregard what she was feeling by trying to tell her she was wrong?

 

"Yeah, well, it's just hard to deal with.  Like as much as I thought I knew about her and all of this, I'm wondering if I ever really chose to know."  Harry looked over at Amanda.  He felt his eyes fill with tears and then closed his eyes when Amanda wrapped her arms around him.  "I just wish I could have listened before a few days ago."

 

Amanda rubbed his back.  This was really getting to him.  She still thought Harry was great to JJ.  That he treated her with more respect and love than anyone else in her life probably ever had done before.  But she could also understand how he felt bad about learning new things after so long during this therapy session.  Maybe she needed to go to one, too.  She should talk to JJ about it.  Maybe one of the Skype sessions in London. Although with as withdrawn as Harry has been acting, JJ probably wouldn't let anyone else into her sessions.  "I think maybe you need to relax a little.  Maybe it's time you talked to JJ.  I know it's usually me telling her that she needs to talk to you, but don't start hiding your feelings from her."

 

Harry pulled back and wiped his eyes.  "Yeah, I know.  But somehow, I completely understand why she does it now.  I'm a bit concerned how she's going to take it.  I wanted to go so badly to this session.  To see how they helped her.  So, I could help her, but I don't know now, if it was such a good idea.  To know just how broken she still feels is hard.  To know she thinks that Johnny did this simply because she was feeling happy again.  And that she should have known better."

 

"Oh, Harry."  Amanda reached over and squeezed his hand.  "We both know that's not why he did it, and we both know she knows that, too."

 

"Does she?  Because you should have heard her Amanda.  Julie said that she felt happiness when she thought she got lucky, young, when Johnny wanted her and wanted to take care of her, and then it went bad.  Then she thought she was feeling happy when we were together and after she confronted Johnny, and then I broke up with her. And now she said she was starting to let herself feel happy again, and Johnny sold his story to the media, and she's getting attacked by strangers."  Harry rattled off frustrated.  He had to admit even he could understand how she thought the world was out to get her.

 

"Ok, yeah, it sounds bad, but those are only three things out of her whole life.  And yes, timing is bad, and timing sucked on the other things that happened, too, but what I'm wondering is who tipped Johnny off, if he even knew you were back together.  There's something else at play here.  Who could possibly have known about you and JJ getting back together and even knew that Johnny existed?  He seemed to KNOW you were back together.  Everyone knew you two were apart because of the New Year's Eve picture spread."  Amanda gasped when she thought about it.  "How much did you tell her, Harry?"

 

"Who Amanda?  How much did I tell who?"  Harry asked confused.  What was she talking about now?

 

"Kendall.  How much does she know about JJ's past?"  Amanda sat up and looked at him.  "Does she know Johnny exists?"  Amanda stood up.  Why hadn't she thought about this before?  After JJ had confronted Kendall at that party, of course Kendall would want to get back at her.  Amanda wouldn't put it past her.

 

"Wait?  You think...no way.  She wouldn't do that."  Harry said looking up at Amanda.  "You think Kendall went to the media?  Come on.  She wouldn't do that. She would know exactly what would happen.  She would know that they would try to get Johnny's story."

 

Amanda crossed his arms and glared at Harry.  "Well, I hope you wouldn't try to defend her in front of your GIRLFRIEND."  She spat at him bitterly.

 

"It's not like that. I just don't believe that Kendall would be that cold and manipulative.  We were friends."  Harry replied.  He shook his head to clear it.  He couldn't believe that Kendall would do such a thing.  Not his friend.  His ex-friend?  He shook his head.  She'd know the media fallout from that kind of story being circulated. She wouldn't do that, would she?

 

"Really?  After the party?  After she thought she was going to leave with you, and then JJ came over and pretty much out shined her."  Amanda asked.  "I wonder if JJ figured it out yet."

 

"I don't know that you're right.  She didn't want to leave with me that night.  It's not like that."  Harry said.  But why was he defending Kendall?  Probably because he did spill his struggles to her, thinking they were friends and having way too much to drink on that yacht.  Could he have said more than he meant to? Could she have known where to look for Johnny?  He rubbed his forehead with his hand.  "No, I can't believe it."

 

"Well, I think you'd better consider it.  Can you think of someone else who would have done it?  Someone else who could have known about Johnny?  Who would dislike you or JJ so much, that they would send questionable media outlets towards Johnny?  Someone who has contacts with those media outlets and knows how to use them? Ones that would pay him to spread lies all over the world?"  Amanda glared at him.  "I can't believe even after everything that you would have done that."  She groaned and took a breath.  "I'm sorry.  I know that if Kendall is responsible for this, that it's not your fault.  But as much as I hated her before, you couldn't get me to hate her anymore now."

 

"Yeah, I don't know."  Harry sighed.  Maybe it wasn't Julie that caused all the misery in her own life, maybe it was him.  Had he seriously given Kendall enough information that she could have been the one to orchestrate this?  And would she do this to him?  To someone he loved?  Things weren't always great between Kendall and him, but they seemed to get on well for the most part.  He got up and walked towards the front door.

 

"Where are you going?"  Amanda asked him.

 

"I'm going to figure this all out.  I'm going to get answers.  Not only do I need to know, but Julie deserves to know if I caused this situation, even if it was unintentional."  He opened the door.

 

"I don't think that's a very good idea, Harry.  Doesn't seem very smart to go see her."  Amanda called out to him.

 

"Yeah, well, when have I ever been smart about this?"  Harry asked shutting the door behind him.  No, maybe it wasn't smart, but he deserved answers.  No, Julie deserved answers.  And if his speaking to who he thought was his friend when he was broken and confused caused this, well, she deserved to hear the truth from him.  Harry needed to do it face to face.  He needed to see the look in her eyes when Kendall answered his questions.  As far as he knew, she was still in LA, and by damned, if he was going to let her get away with it.  Julie had once told him he couldn't quit Kendall, and maybe he always thought they would be friends, but if she'd been the one behind this.  He sure would be able to quit her now.

 

A few hours later Amanda was walking through the foyer after placing one of her suitcases near the door when Harry walked in.  She turned and looked at him.  She wasn't quite sure what she saw on his face.  She didn't know if he'd gotten confirmation of what she suspected or not.

 

"Is Julie home?"  Harry asked looking at Amanda.  He knew she wanted to know what he'd found out, but he wanted to tell Julie first.

 

"Yeah, she's in her room."  Amanda said as she watched Harry walk towards the hallway that led to JJ's room.  "She knows, Harry."  Amanda called out to him.

 

"You told her?"  He whirled around and looked at Amanda.  "I would have told her myself.  I should have been able to, Amanda."

 

"No, I didn't tell her.  You weren't very sneaky.  Fans saw you and posted pictures of you going into Kendall's parking garage.  Some spotted JJ while she was in the store grabbing a drink after therapy.  They made sure she knew."  Amanda said.

 

"Wonderful."  Harry mumbled as he walked towards Julie's room.  Of course, that would happen.  Because it would have been too perfect if he could have been able to come home and tell her himself.  He opened the door to Julie's room and saw her standing over her suitcase which was open on the bed, but completely empty.  Great.  He walked up slowly behind her.  She must not have heard him.  Oh this was getting better by the second he thought sarcastically.  He wrapped his arms around her slowly from behind and rested his chin on her shoulder.  "Hey."  He simply said trying to gauge her reaction.  She was stiff, and she stiffened even more when she heard his voice.  "I hear you know where I was."  Harry said as he let her go and went and sat on the bed in front of her.  Julie still hadn't looked up from the suitcase.

 

"Yeah."  Julie said.  Her eyes trained on the empty suitcase.  She reached over and picked up a t-shirt from the pile lying on her bed and played with it in her fingers before setting it gently in the suitcase.  One down.  They were set to leave soon, and she couldn't even force herself to pack.  Too many questions running through her head.  First from therapy this morning and then finding out about Harry at Kendall's.

 

"I can promise you it's not what you think."  He said taking her hand that was playing with the t-shirt she'd just put in the suitcase.

 

"I'm not even sure what I think, so how do you know?"  She asked looking over at him.  "If I don't know what to think, how do you know it's not what I'm thinking?"

 

"Because I know you better than you think.  I was starting to question it, but it's true.  I know you."  He said as he pulled her hand to try and get her to look at him.  "Please, look at me."  He forced a small smile when she looked at him.  "There are my beautiful blues."

 

"Yeah, can you just cut to the point?  Why are you stalling?  What do you need to tell me?"  She asked him a bit forcefully.  "Could you just, get on with it, please?"  She knew taking him to therapy had been a bad idea.  Ever since he'd gone with her and heard all her truths, he'd been distant and treated her so differently.  Like she was fragile and would break if he even tried to treat her normally.  There was no playfulness, no teasing, he had been very careful with everything he'd said.  "Stop treating me like I'm broken.  I've been broken the whole time you've known me, and you've never treated me like I was fragile.  Why start now?"

 

"Julie, I didn't go to Kendall's for any other reason than to get some answers.  Amanda brought up a point earlier, and I needed to know if it was true or not."  Harry stopped her from keeping herself busy as she had now put in the same t-shirt and taken it back out three times.  "Just hear me out, ok?"  He pulled her so she was standing between his legs and took her hands.  He looked up into her eyes.  "Please?"

 

"I'm listening.  But how you can expect me to be happy and thrilled you were caught sneaking into Kendall's..."  She said to him.

 

"Stop, I don't expect that."  He let go of her hands and rested the top of his head on her chest and wrapped his arms around her waist.  He let out a breath when she put her hands in his hair.  "I needed to though."

 

"Why?"  She asked confused as she put her hands on his cheeks and made him look up at her.  "Why, Harry?  Why would you need to go see her?"

 

"Because Amanda thought she was the one who'd tipped off the media to Johnny and his whereabouts."  He tightened his arms when she went to step back.  Well, she hadn't thought of that before.  He could tell by her reaction.

 

"She, she, what?"  Julie asked feeling a familiar tightness in her chest.  Her anxiety was already at an all time high, but it was getting worse by the second.

 

"Amanda was wondering who would have it out for me, or you, and would have known enough details to point the media in the right direction.  And she concluded it could be Kendall.  I had to know."  Harry said trying to calm her.  He could feel her chest rising and falling faster and harder.

 

"How would she know about Johnny?  Or where he was?"  She looked down at his face again and then pulled back and shook her head.  "You told her?  You told her about that?  Kendall?  Why?!?  Why would you?"

 

"Julie, please."  He asked.  "I didn't...I never thought this would happen.  I trusted her as my friend."

 

"When?  When you were sleeping with her?  You shared MY deepest, darkest secrets?"  Julie asked.  Panic was oozing through her veins.  So now not only was Johnny spreading lies and getting paid and sympathy for those lies, it was all Kendall's doing?  Because Harry not only couldn't keep it in his pants, but he couldn't keep her secrets either.  She started to shake and clenched her teeth.  Fucking anxiety.  Fucking panic.  Fucking Kendall.  Fucking Johnny.

 

"It's not, Julie, it's not like that."  Harry sighed.  "I confronted her today, because I couldn't believe she would do that to me as my friend.  I couldn't believe she would take my moment of weakness, a moment when I spilled my pain to her, and use it against me and someone I love."  He stood up and walked over towards her.  He stopped when she backed up.  He could see the panic overcoming her.  "I trusted her.  I was wrong.  I've trusted her so many times, and I never learned."  He wiped the tear that fell onto his cheek.  "Please, forgive me. I would have never done anything to purposely hurt you."

 

"I just...I can't....I just, can't."  Julie stammered as she opened her bedroom door behind her.  "I just can't even right now.  I just, you need to give me a minute."  She took one step into the hallway.  Would things ever stop hurting?  Would revelations just stop popping up like this?  Would she ever stop being surprised about everything that could go wrong happening?  Would she ever be given a break from the onslaught so that the ache in her heart would have a chance to ease just a bit? Now she had Kendall after her?  Kendall hated Julie so much that she took what Harry said and dictated Julie's worst fear coming back into her life.

 

"Julie."  Harry said watching her stop in the doorway.  "Listen, baby, she admitted she did it.  But she didn't know enough of the real details.  I never told her exactly what happened.  Just that he was an ex that wasn't able to let go of you."

 

"So, you're defending her?  Defending what she did?  Because you didn't tell her all of the dirty details?  So, what?  She thought that it would just cause enough trouble for her to get you back?  That maybe if he came back into my life, she could just have you like she wanted?"  Julie took another deep breath.  "What then, Harry?  Explain it to me, how she's just the perfect friend and didn't mean to cause me this much trouble."

 

"No, that's not, Julie, that's not what...."  Harry sighed.  "Damn it.  I just was trying to explain I didn't tell her everything.  I didn't tell her the details of what happened.  How much he did to you, how much pain he caused."

 

"So, you're saying if she knew, then she never would have done it?  Is that what she told you?  Oh, because I totally believe what she says!"  Julie bellowed throwing her hands up in the air.  She couldn't take it anymore. She needed to get out of this space for a while.

 

"Julie!"  Harry called out to her.  He watched her stop before she fully shut the door, her hand on the doorknob.  "I love you."  He said.  He didn't blame her for being upset, but he needed her to know.  She stood there for a while, silently.

 

Really?  Julie thought.  Did he just think that he could say that and everything would be ok?  She didn't even know how to feel; all she could feel was the panic.  Her free hand balled into a fist.  She was angry, she was sad, she was shocked, and she was panicked.  But, yes, she loved him.  She wanted to trust him and believe him.  She knew he wouldn't do anything on purpose to hurt her.  "I love you, too.  But I'm still really mad at you."  She said as she finally shut the door.

 

Harry fell back on the bed.  Thank god she'd said she loved him.  He could handle her being mad at him.  As long as she didn't run from him.  He stayed like that for a couple of minutes before he got up and started to pack her suitcase for her.  Yeah, she was still coming to the UK with him.  Even if he had to carry her to the car and handcuff her to him.  He still couldn't believe this is how it had gone down.  But, he'd learned today, that you can't trust everyone you think you can.


	60. Chapter 60

Niall was walking around the backyard to make sure everything was picked up and locked up since they were leaving for close to a month.  They would return to LA for a short period of time and then head back to Ireland for the wedding in the beginning of March.  It was crazy to him how fast everything was going.  How much his life was changing.  He turned around when he heard what sounded like a sob coming from over by the fence near the hot tub.  When he walked around, he saw JJ sitting there with her head in her hands.  He took a deep breath and sat down next to her.  He didn't say anything. He just put his arm around her and pulled her into him.  He closed his eyes when she started crying harder.  He wrapped her in both his arms and just held her while she cried.

 

He pulled back from her a little when he felt her calm down and start to wipe her eyes with her hands.  "Hey, how long have you been sitting out here on the ground, in the corner?"  He moved some hair out of her face.

 

"I'm sorry."  Julie said through deep, wracking breaths.  She had been crying since she'd left her room, probably more than a half an hour ago.  "I'm sorry. I didn't mean for you to see this."

 

"Stop, you should know better.  You shouldn't have come and sit out here alone.  You should have come and found me, or Amanda.  Julie, you should know that we're here for you.  No matter what happened or who did it."  Niall let her sit up and watched her lean back against the fence.

 

"You called me Julie."  She sniffled trying to smile at him.  "You've never called me that."

 

"Yeah, yeah, change the subject."  He said leaning back against the fence.  "I know I'm not Amanda, or Harry, but I will listen if you have something to say."

 

"Yeah, I know, Niall.  It's just not that simple.  I'm not even sure what I think right now."  She said looking up into the bright blue sky.  "I'm just so tired, so tired of fighting, so tired of having things just go wrong."

 

"Life isn't easy."  Niall started to say and then chuckled a little.

 

"You just realized who you said that too, right?"  Julie asked.  "I'm not expecting it to be super easy.  I know everyone struggles.  And honestly, I'm sort of tired of the 'whoa is me' attitude, too, but what else can I think?  I'd love to just disappear for awhile and not worry about anyone or anything."

 

"Well, Harry is putting you on a plane to the UK.  It will be quieter, and you'll be with family.  Those who love you."  Niall said standing up and pulling her up.  "Don't run from him.  He feels horrible for what happened."

 

Julie shook her head as she wiped the grass from her pants.  "Well, he should."  She looked up at him.  "I'm sorry, but he should.  He told Kendall about Johnny.  I don't care if we were together or not.  Why would he tell HER?  He knew for a long time that she had wanted to do whatever she could to keep us a part.  So, not only did he go to her, to get back at me for my fake affair with Zayn, he told her the one thing he knew could throw me right back into a tailspin."

 

Niall sighed and frowned.  "You don't believe he would have done anything like that to you on purpose, do you?"

 

"No, of course not."  Julie said.  She looked Niall.  "What?  I don't, well, maybe.  Zayn, period, really bothered him.  His thought that I was with him, threw him over the edge often enough.  He went on that yacht with Kendall with a chip on his shoulder."

 

"Yes, I understand that."  Niall took her hand and pulled her towards the house.  "Talk to him, because this is not going to go down like it did in the past.  You have questions for him, you ask him."

 

"Let me go, Niall."  Julie said stopping and looking at him.  "I have a lot of questions for Kendall.  Think Harry will give me her phone number?  What about if I just go?  Do you think she'll let me in and offer me a beverage?"

 

"Seriously?"  Niall shook her head.  "Go talk to Harry.  Go to London or Holmes Chapel with him.  Don't let her mess with you like that.  I told you in Paris a long time ago ̶ don't let her get to you.  She wants you to lose Harry.  Why give her that power?"

 

"Why do you have to use logic on me, Niall?"  Julie asked stepping into the house.

 

"Someone has to pretend you're able to be reasonable."  He laughed as she smacked his arm.  "Just trust him, Julie."

 

"Ok, Niall, stop calling me Julie."  She shook her head, exasperated.

 

"Yeah, it's like when you call me Amanda."  Amanda said walking up and hugging Julie.  "You look like hell."

 

"Thanks.  Amanda."  Julie said emphasizing the Amanda and hugging her and pulling back.  "Dad ordered me to go talk to Harry.  So, guess that's what I'm going to do.  Although, I said I'd rather go talk to Kendall.  Maybe we could become best friends.  I'm sure that she'd invite me in for a pleasant beverage or two."

 

"Oh, let me go with.  I could use a bottle or two with Kendall."  Amanda smirked.

 

"Oh, no.  There is no way the two of you are going anywhere near her."  Harry said walking out with Julie's suitcase and carry on.  He set them by the door and came back.  "I took care of it.  There's no need."

 

"I'm sure."  Julie said.  "Why let me get answers I need?"

 

"Not like that."  Harry sighed.  "I know you're mad at me.  I get it.  I shouldn't have said what I said to her, but at the time, I didn't ever think she'd do something this nasty.  This sneaky."

 

Julie sighed.  She was angry.  At the whole situation. "Yeah, I get trusting someone that you shouldn't.  Sticking up for someone that you shouldn't.  But you knew how it would hurt me."  She looked up at him as tears formed in her eyes again.  "I still have a hard time accepting that during that time on the yacht you were so set on hurting me."

 

Harry reached for her, and when she didn't step back, he pulled her tightly to him.  "I know, but this wasn't like that.  I promise.  I confronted her.  She knows that she overstepped.  That she's no longer a part of my life."

 

"Now?  Like she cares.  Haven't you realized by now that she doesn't care what anyone says?  She has some weird obsession with getting you or making me miserable or both."  Julie said and then she pushed back from Harry.  "I'm sorry."  She shook her head.  "I'm sorry."  She looked up at him.  "I'm trying really hard not to blame you.  And I shouldn't blame you."

 

Niall looked at Amanda.  "Come on, babe.  Let's go make sure we have everything and the house is shut up."

 

Amanda glared at Niall.  She wanted to be there for JJ.  And he was trying to get her away on purpose.  She looked from him to JJ.  When JJ nodded and smiled at her, she took a breath and walked away with Niall.  "That wasn't very subtle."Amanda mumbled as they left the room.

 

"I wasn't trying to be subtle.  Let them work it out."  Niall said.  "They are stronger together this time."

 

Harry looked down at Julie after Niall and Amanda walked away.  "I get you being upset with me.  I should have never said anything to her."  He wiped a tear from her cheek.  "You look like you've been crying a long time."

 

"I have.  I hate this.  Every second of it."  She took his hand and looked down as she laced her fingers with his.  "But I can't blame you.  Do you think Kendall will let me in for a drink and a conversation?"

 

"No.  She won't, because you aren't going to do that.  She means nothing.  She knows what she did was inexcusable, and I made it clear she's to stay away."  Harry told her.  "Julie, she isn't going to interfere."

 

"I don't believe anything that comes from her mouth.  And I'm sure you told her quite nicely she should stay away.  I'm thinking I could make it clear in a little bit different of a way."  She looked up into his eyes.

 

Harry could see the pain beneath the bravado of Julie's words.  "Yeah, well you can't do that, because you're getting on a plane with me."  He put his fingers under her chin and kissed her lips.  "You and I are all that matter in this."

 

"Yeah, yeah, Niall already tried to use logic on me."  She said walking towards her room.  "I need a shower."

 

"Well, hurry because we need to leave for the airport."  Harry called out to her.

 

"Yes, Harry, I know."  She stopped at her door and looked at him.  "Well, I stick by what I said in Paris.  Way back when.  She can't have you.  You're stuck with me now.  Sorry.  I know it's tough, but you're just going to have to deal with it."

 

"It's ok.  I've dealt with worse."  Harry smiled at her.  "I love you, Julie.  I packed for you, but make sure I didn't miss anything while you're in there."

 

"Did you pack clothes?  Or did you forget those?"  She shook her head at him.

 

"I packed enough clothes for you to wear while we're with mum.  Figured you didn't need any for the rest."  He winked at her slyly.

 

"I told you never to wink again.  You're so horribly bad at it."  She smiled a bit wobbly and then went into her room, letting out her breath when she got there.  This was hard.  Her instincts told her to just leave.  That she couldn't handle it.  But she was also determined to fight through it.  Harry meant more to her than she had ever wanted to admit.  She was trying to remember that he had told Kendall these things almost a year ago, when he himself had been hurting, and needed to trust someone, and Kendall had held onto them, until she thought she lost.  Julie knew she could do this.  She had to do this.  She got into the shower and broke down sobbing again.  But by the time she was done, she knew what she had to do.

 

Eleven hours after all four boarded a plane to London, they were making their way through customs at Heathrow airport.  When they got through, they made their way toward the car port.  Not long after they walked into the public part of the airport, they were met with paparazzi and fans.  Obviously, someone had figured they were on their way.  The foursome were immediately ushered to a small room by airport staff until they could get additional assistance to help get them through the small mob that had congregated at the terminal.

 

"What the hell?"  Harry exclaimed as he got on the phone to contact his team.  He needed them to send additional security and set up a way for them to get out of there.  He wasn't happy, and he knew this would just be something else that would make Julie panic even more.  He looked over and saw Niall on the phone also, sure he was getting additional security for himself and Amanda.  This damn Johnny thing was seriously a fucking nightmare.  And thank Kendall for making it even worse.  He was a little gruff talking to Jeff on the phone.  He wanted them to be able to get out of here without being seen.  He knew it could happen.  He watched Julie walk up to him.  He told Jeff to hold on a minute and looked at her.  "I'm sorry. I'm working on a plan."

 

"It's ok.  Let's just go."  Julie said.  She shrugged.  "What's the difference?  They already know about us.  They already have made up their minds about who I am or who they think I am.  Let's just go.  Enough with the intricate plans just to leave the damn airport."

 

Harry stared at her.  He couldn't believe what was coming out of her mouth.  "So, we're just going to stroll out there with limited security and let them take pictures and say what they want?"

 

Julie shrugged.  "Why not?  Isn't this what we're supposed to do?  Look, I've already dealt with Johnny and Vegas twice, and I've dealt with Kendall, now twice.  Each time, it was meant to make sure we are apart.  Well, I'm tired of giving them all the power.  We're stronger together, right?  Well, let's be stronger together."  She held out her hand to him.

 

Harry smiled and grabbed her hand.  "Well, I can't say I'm not surprised.  And maybe it's not the smartest thing we've ever done, but, let's go be strong together."  He put the phone back to his ear and told Jeff to never mind about the additional security.  They would get out with the security they had.  He hung up.  "Let me just make sure the car is ready for us.  And that they have our luggage.  And then we can go."  He kissed her and went to speak to security.

 

Amanda walked over to JJ as Niall went with Harry to make sure their getaway was as smooth as possible with the measures they already had.  "Are you sure you're ok with this?"  She pushed JJ with her shoulder.  "Going out into this crowd, you're going to hear a lot of questions, not all of them very nice."

 

Julie pushed back into Amanda's shoulder.  "Well, Panda, either I run scared from this just like I ran from Johnny, or I face it.  Now.  I'm with Harry. I'm happy to be with him.  I know the truth, and like I said, I'm tired of giving everyone else the power."

 

"That's my girl."  Amanda said smiling at her.

 

"No, that's MY girl."  Harry said.  "We're going to be walking out into a crowd."

 

"I'm pretty sure I might be my own girl.  But I appreciate the fight over me."  Julie said.  She let out a deep breath.  "Well, let's do this before I change my mind then.  Soon as they are ready."

 

"You're going to change your mind?"  Amanda asked laughing.

 

"Well, I mean, I'm putting myself in the line of fire.  So, I'm even questioning my own sanity right now."  Julie said throwing her hands up in the air.  "I may need a very strong drink after this."

 

"I love how positive you are."  Harry said laughing and grabbing both of their carry-ons and taking her hand.  "Let's do this, then.  Just ignore the words and keep your head down."

 

"Yeah, 'cuz I'm so good at not letting people into my head."  She took a deep breath.  "And how about I just keep my head high and walk right through.  And then panic later?"

 

Harry laughed.  "Yeah, that'd work, too."  He opened the door, and they all walked out with the airport security and one of Niall's and one of Harry's personal security members.  He felt Julie squeeze his hand harder; but when he looked over at her, she had her head up walking through the crowd with him.  They had to maneuver through quite a number people.  They were almost in the clear when he felt Julie jerk a little on his hand.  When he looked back, she had been grabbed by a photographer who wanted her picture.  He gently pulled her to him and put himself in between her and the photographer.  He was generally very calm even with over-aggressive paps, but this he would not deal with well.  He dropped the carry-on bags and took a step towards them.  "Keep your hands off of her.  What were you thinking?"  He was angry.  He wanted to say more.  A lot more, but he felt a small hand on his arm and he turned to look at Julie.

 

"Let's just go, Harry.  It's ok."  Julie looked up into his eyes.  "Don't turn into them."

 

Harry smiled into those beautiful blue eyes he loved so much.  "You're right, as always."  He picked up the bags and wrapped his arm tightly around her as they made their way through the rest of the crowd.  He helped her into the car that was waiting outside for them and looked back.  There were a lot of people. And a lot of words being hurled at them from all sides. Fortunately, in such a large mass of people, most of it had been indecipherable. And she had just walked through the whole circus like a champ.  Even ignoring the fucking prick that grabbed her arm.  She surprised him all the time.  He climbed in next to Niall as the girls were sitting opposite them in the limo that had come to collect them.

 

"A limo?  Really?"  Amanda asked looking between Niall and Harry.

 

"Yeah, well, it's not that big a deal.  We were just riding home in style.  The four of us together."  Niall shrugged.  "And now, we're celebrating.  I mean, JJ handled those paps like a pro.  Pretty soon she'll be posing in front of the cameras so they can get her good side."

 

Julie rolled her eyes at Niall.  "You think you're so funny.  Luckily, you're sweet and cute and rich.  So, Amanda doesn't have to love you for your humor."

 

"Ouch."  Niall laughed out loud.  "Well, at least we know Harry brought the right girl with him.  I was starting to wonder if there was some weird clone thing going on when she mentioned walking right through the crowd."

 

Julie groaned.  "Niall.  I swear."

 

Amanda laughed.  "Ok, Niall, you'll have plenty of time to give her hell later.  Let's just let her be for now.  She did just do that."  She waved back towards the airport.

 

Harry just smiled at the interactions.  He was proud.  She did just do that.  She never wanted to be a part of the lifestyle.  But she stood proud and walked through the crowd.  And then she calmed him immediately when the pap got too aggressive.  He would let his team deal with it, but he would have if she wouldn't have stopped him.  The driver dropped Niall and Amanda off at Niall's place and then took Julie and him to his house.  He unlocked the door and let her in.  After he dropped the bags by the door, he grabbed her and spun her around.  "I'm so proud of you."

 

Julie giggled when he spun her around and set her down.  "It's not that big of a deal, Harry."

 

"Are you kidding?  I'm so happy.  You just basically confirmed our relationship in one walk through the airport.  And it was your choice.  That's a big deal.  And you dealt with that prick pap better than I did."  Harry said.

 

"I know I'm bad at this.  I'm bad at relationships and showing you I love you, and letting others get to me and controlling how I feel.  But, it's time I took control of myself.  I'm done letting Johnny or Kendall or anything else control what I can do and when I can do it.  I hate it.  I hate that they can still get to me.  But the one thing that I don't want to lose is you.  So, I figure if that's what they want, I'm going to show them different.  They want to whisper about me, then I'm just going to remind them that I have you, and you want me.  They want to see me.  Then let them.  They can see me with you.  They can see me on your arm and that I'm happy.  Because won't that drive them even more crazy?"  She rambled.  It was overwhelming and scary and foreign to her, but she was telling the truth when she said she was tired of letting others get to her and control her life.  "I love you, Harry Styles.  And they aren't going to control how I show that, not anymore.  Not Johnny, not Kendall, not the paparazzi, and not your crazy fans."

 

Harry smiled down at her.  "You, my dear, are amazing.  I love you, and they can say what they want.  You are so right.  We will show them."

 

"Well, we don't have to go out on purpose and have them write about everything we do.  But we can leave an airport and visit our friends and go to have dinner.  I'm not hiding anymore.  I'm not hiding that we're together.  I'm not perfect.  I've made mistakes, but so has everyone else.  I promise that I will fail at this sometimes, but I have you to hold me up when I do."  She stood on her tip toes and kissed his lips.  "What else could I need?"

 

"Nothing, my love.  Nothing.  I got you."  He smiled and picked her up around her waist.  He kissed her and then smiled at her.  "Well, now that I have a strong woman by my side.  I know I can do anything."

 

Julie wrinkled her brow.  "I was already by your side."  She slapped his shoulders.  "Watch what you say."  She leaned in and kissed him deeply.  "I love you."

 

"Ah, baby.  I love you, too."  He made sure her legs were wrapped tightly around his waist and took the steps two at a time upstairs.  She had no idea how happy she'd just made him.  He threw her onto the bed and climbed over her.  "I'm going to make you feel, in a bit of a different way, the way you just made me feel.  Be prepared."  He growled.  "Prepare yourself."  He smirked when she laughed and wrapped her arms around his neck.

 

"Oh, Harry.  You always know the right things to say."  She laughed when he attacked her neck.  And she wasn't disappointed in the feelings he gave her, over and over again.  She already loved the UK, and now, she did even more.


	61. Chapter 61

Harry stood at his stove and stirred the oatmeal he had cooking on the burner.He had just called his mum and put his phone to his ear.When she answered, he smiled hearing her voice."Hey, mum."He greeted her.They had been in London a couple of days and were supposed to make their way to Holmes Chapel today, but it wasn't going to happen."Mum, I know you're excited to see us, but we aren't going to make it today."

 

"Oh, no?"Anne said sighing."I hope everything's ok."

 

"Yeah, mum.Well, Julie's fallen a bit ill."Harry smiled at the oatmeal he was stirring.She had no choice but to let him take care of her now.She'd caught quite the cold, which may be a bit more than a cold."She seems to have caught a bad cold, or maybe the flu.Not sure. She's coughing and sneezing and a bit stuffy.Seems to have a bit of a fever, but of course she says she doesn't, and she's fine."

 

"Of course, she does."Anne laughed.Harry had shared with her many times how stubbornly independent Julie was.She could understand how it could seem a little frustrating to Harry, but in the end, she thought it was a good thing.She believed though, that Julie let Harry take care of her more than she realized.Which was how it should be, they should take care of each other."Alright, love, just let us know when she's feeling better and can travel.Otherwise, I can come to you.Let me know if you need a mum."

 

"Of course, mum.For now, I think I'm just gonna keep her in bed, try and make her eat, and let her be cranky.She's not a very good sick person.For being a nurse for a while, you would think she would be a bit more patient."Harry chuckled.As soon as Julie started feeling a bit ill, she had been irritated by it.

 

"Well, they do say doctors and nurses make the worst patients.Didn't the doctors say that when she and Amanda were there after the accident?"Anne asked.

 

Harry took a deep breath remembering that time.The time he was uncertain if she would wake up from the coma or not.If she would have brain damage or even remember who he was.Now that everything was ok, it was easier to remember the details that didn't surround the questions about whether she would wake up or not."Yeah, I do believe it came out of their mouths a few times, so I guess I have my work cut out for me.Amanda and Niall are still here though, so I do have back up if needed.I suppose I could listen to the girls bicker a bit, I've sort of missed it."

 

"How are things, Harry?Apart from the cold?I know you guys haven't been back together all that long.And things went a bit crazy after a short time.I saw the pictures at the airport, too."Anne queried.Harry was very open with her.She knew the struggles Julie had with his public life.How she didn't enjoy the spotlight.But she understood it.Since the story with Johnny broke, things had been extra bad. 

 

"Things are good, mum.You should have seen her at the airport.I tried to get pick up arrangements changed so we could avoid the throng of people and paps.And she just walked up to me and said, let's go.Said she was tired of giving everyone else control over her.Johnny, Kendall, the paps and fans.I know she still doesn't like it.I know it still scares her, but she's decided to finally realize what she wants and needs is more important than what others want."Harry smiled as he turned the burner off to let the oatmeal sit."I'm proud of her."

 

"Sounds like it.I like hearing that she's finally putting faith in the two of you over the rest of the world.I imagine Johnny forcing his way back into her life hasn't made it easy for her to trust in another relationship.Even if it is with you, someone she's loved for years."Anne said solemnly.She would never understand how a person could be so selfish as to want to ruin the happiness of one individual so badly like Johnny did to Julie.And when Harry had told her that Kendall was the one who put Johnny's name into the media's ear, she was more than shocked.She had been there on that yacht with Kendall and him.And even though she had warned Harry to be careful when he was so seemingly confused about Julie, she'd trusted Kendall first as his friend, and she never expected her to use things against him for some vendetta.

 

"Yeah, I guess I never thought of it that way.I thought of it more of her realizing she knew how to be in control and figuring she could be in control if she wanted.Instead of hiding and hurting and wondering."Harry said as he grabbed a bowl from the cupboard. 

 

"I'm sure it's partly that as well."Anne admitted."Harry, I know you said you talked to Kendall, but do you really think she's sorry for what she's done?Like truly sorry, or just sorry she got caught?"

 

Harry sighed.He figured he would have to get into this with someone.He was actually surprised Julie hadn't asked in more detail yet.But he figured it would come once she accepted the crazy that was happening around her.He knew she wanted answers, but right now she wanted them herself.She kept telling him that she should speak to Kendall.He did not think that was a good idea.In fact, he thought the best idea was to keep them on opposite sides of the planet from each other.Yep, he'd sure stepped in it by going back to Kendall.He should have gotten rid of that chip on his shoulder instead of going out and back to the one person he knew would hurt Julie the most.He was SO caught up in thinking she was with Zayn, especially before they'd broke up, that he couldn't seem to realize the damage he was doing.Not only to her, but to himself and even to Kendall.He shook himself out of his thoughts when he heard his mum say his name.

 

"Harry?Is everything ok?"Anne asked stunned by the silence on the other end of the line.

 

"Yeah, sorry, was just thinking.I messed up, mum.By telling Kendall any of the things I told her.But I honestly never believed she would betray my confidence.She seems sorry.And I hope she is, but I also told her that we couldn't have any kind of relationship anymore.Friendship or otherwise.I think that would be impossible to ask Julie to accept after all of this."Harry said as he filled the bowl with the oatmeal adding sugar and cinnamon.Then he remembered who it was for and added more of each.Yeah, he had to make it extra yummy for her, otherwise he might get it thrown back at him the way she was feeling.He chuckled at the thought.

 

"What about you, yourself?If it wasn't for Julie possibly disagreeing, would you still want Kendall out of your life?"Anne questioned.

 

"Yeah, mum, after she did what she did, I couldn't forgive her.She basically went after Julie, mum, I'm undeniably in love with her.I know that I never told Kendall Johnny physically abused her for years, or that he mentally destroyed her, but I thought I explained enough saying it ended badly.Apparently, I didn't."Harry mused.

 

"Even if it didn't, Kendall had no right to get involved like that.Even if I do believe she had feelings for you at some point."Anne advised.

 

"Yeah, maybe, but remember, Kendall was the one who never wanted anything to be serious, first.Then I find someone who shows me what it truly means to love someone and I want to be together with them, and she then thinks she can somehow get me back by hurting the one I love?"Harry asked exasperated."It's so confusing, mum.At one point, Kendall and I were good friends.So, how did things get like this?"

 

"Feelings are tricky things, and sometimes people don't figure out what they want until they can't have it.Or some people aren't used to losing, especially when they may feel they have more to offer than the person they are losing to."Anne explained.

 

"So, she thinks she's better than Julie?Why?Because she's well known?Has money?Comes from a known family?Hasn't struggled?"Harry asked.He'd never thought about that.Could she actually believe she was better than Julie simply because of her name?

 

"I don't know for sure, Harry.I don't at all.The thing is, there has to be a reason she did what she did.Whether or not it's right, whether or not she regrets it.There's a reason."Anne said softly."The thing you need to concentrate on is coming to terms with all of this change yourself.Realizing what you want out of this.As far as friendship, and your relationship.You worked hard on getting Julie back.Is there any question, now that you're together, and your relationship is stronger, that this is what you want?"

 

"Mum!How could you ask me something like that?!"Harry asked a bit loudly.He immediately regretted it.He hated raising his voice at his mum."I'm sorry.Mum, it's just, I love her.I've always loved her.I made mistakes, but it wasn't the chase.I swear.She's said that to me, also.But I swear, it's not.I know that I haven't always done what I should have."

 

"I know, love.We all make mistakes.And you know, as well as anyone, it's how we acknowledge and deal with those mistakes.I've got faith in everything you do, love.Just be yourself.I will let you go take care of her.I know it may be hard, but don't let this affect the way you treat her.She loves you, for the way you are, too, just like you love and accept the way she is.Remember back when she was trying to be easy on you; well, don't try to make it all better for her, just be there for her.Show her you mean it.I love you both. Please let me know when you can come, or if I can come help."Anne smiled.She was proud of the man her son was becoming, and she hoped the love that he and Julie had worked so hard at would remain through the struggles.They sure had their share, but maybe they would make it through the struggles earlier which would then make their relationship stronger in the end.

 

"I will, mum.Thanks for everything.I will talk to you soon.I love you, too."Harry hung up the phone and took the oatmeal with some orange juice and some tea up to Julie.He opened the door to the bedroom and set the tray down on the night stand beside the bed.He sat down and rubbed over her arm."Hey, baby.I made you some breakfast. Do you think you could try to eat something?"

 

Julie groaned and rolled over and looked up at Harry.She felt like hell.It had been a long time since she had been this sick.Even while working in the ER, she had gotten extremely lucky and only had gotten ill a few times.Her head was pounding, her chest hurt, her nose was like a faucet, her throat was burning from coughing, and the chills she got on and off were so annoying."I don't know."She said as she started coughing."You shouldn't stay in here.You're going to get sick."

 

He leaned over and kissed her forehead letting his lips linger on it for a moment."I need to find a thermometer.I know you have a fever."He put his hand on her head."What works best for breaking a fever?"

 

"Ibuprofen.I have some in my bathroom bag."She said moving the blanket from her.She looked up when Harry gently pushed her back down and covered her back up."I can get it."

 

"Just let me."Harry shook his head and got up.He went and got the bottle of ibuprofen from her bag in the bathroom and brought it back out to her.She was propped up on the pillows and taking a sip of her tea.She looked miserable.He felt so bad for her.He hoped he wouldn't get sick, but he wasn't going to leave her either.Harry hadn't realized how hard it would be for him to see her sick and in bed.How much it would remind him of her in the hospital.He handed her the ibuprofen and sat back down next to her.He took the tea cup and handed her the orange juice."I wish I could do more."

 

"What are you going to do?"Julie asked taking the pills and then a drink of the juice."Germs, on planes, weather changes, time changes.Guess my immune system just wasn't up for it."She let him take the juice and hand her the oatmeal.She looked down into the bowl and then up at him."I'm really not hungry."

 

"You need to try and eat, love."He said to her pulling her hair behind her and tying it back in a hair tie."I called mum and told her we wouldn't be coming today."

 

Julie sighed and looked at him."I'm sorry.I wish I could just go.I'd be ok, but I don't want to get anyone sick, especially...." She trailed off.

 

"Yeah, I know.And I know they appreciate that.But just so you know, mum's already offered to come take care of you if you were being stubborn and weren't letting me help you get better.So, you should be a good little patient, stay in bed, and let me do everything for you."He grabbed the bowl and took a spoonful and held it to her mouth."Come on, be a good little girl.You need your strength."He laughed at the look she gave him."Ok, well you need to get your strength back so you can keep me in my place."

 

"Well, that's a full-time job, and I'm not up to that right now."She said taking the bowl of oatmeal back and trying to eat some.

 

"That's my girl.Always got something snarky to say.If you ever stop that, I'm going to be dragging you to hospital, just so you know."Harry said."So, I know we have a lot to talk about, and a lot to figure out when you feel better, but," Harry hesitated.He'd ask her multiple times to listen to his album.He wanted her opinion, and he really wanted her to like it.He was going to let his family hear it when they went to Holmes Chapel, and he wanted her to listen to it first.But she was still reluctant.There were songs written about years of his life, things that happened throughout his days in One Direction.But some things had been written about their situations.She would definitely know which ones were about her, and which weren't.He took a deep breath and looked at her."Maybe you could listen to my album, since you can't really do anything else."He saw her look up at him, and he could still see the hesitation in her eyes."You have to listen to it eventually, baby."

 

"I know."She said setting the oatmeal down."It's just part of me is a bit scared to hear it.You've told me it's the most honest song writing you've done.And we weren't together, and then you said it's not all about me, so I'm hoping it's then not about anyone else, but I'm guessing I'm wrong."She sighed and then coughed."But I know it's a big part of you.So, I guess I'll listen to it."

 

"Well, don't sound so excited."He chuckled grabbing the iPod with the file on it and the headphones.

 

"I am. You know your voice is one of my favorite sounds in the world.I could sit and listen to you sing all the time.But I'm not sure I'm ready to hear what you were thinking when we were apart."She took the ear buds and put them in her ears.She grabbed a tissue for her nose, but she figured she'd need it for her tears, too.She looked up at him."Are you sure you want me to hear this?"

 

"Yes, baby, more than anyone."He climbed on the bed and sat behind her pulling her between his legs."Be honest, please."

 

"I'm sure I'm going to love it.It's yours, and you're very proud of it."She leaned back against him.She tried to get him to stay away from her since she was sick, but he wouldn't listen.Everyone said she was the stubborn one, but he held his own.She closed her eyes as the intro to the first song came on.It was definitely a different sound than she was used to.His voice was beautiful.The song she first heard was full of pain and longing.This is what she had been afraid of.Hearing the pain, she didn't want to believe he'd experienced when they were apart.

 

Harry watched her face as she was listening to the songs.For forty minutes, he did nothing but watch her reactions to each song that came on.He could see them change slightly, but she tried really hard not to react.He was extremely curious, but he wanted to give her the full experience of the album before he got her reaction.There was a little bit of everything on it.He seriously loved the sound he had.He hoped she did, too.Not that he thought they needed to base their relationship on it, but imagine her completely disliking his album.He chuckled a bit at the thought.He watched her take the ear buds out of her ears slowly and noticed that there were tears now on her cheeks.He took the iPod and ear buds and set them aside.He tightened his arms around her and rested his chin on her shoulder.He tried to wait until she said something about it, but she stayed quiet too long."So, what did you think?"

 

She coughed and pulled the blanket up tighter around her. Julie was still trying to process everything she'd heard in her mind."I will need to listen to it again, to get it fully.But, I don't know."She said.She needed time to think.There were parts in a lot of the songs she could think back and place, but sometimes there were things in the same songs that definitely didn't have anything to do with them."As an album, your talent astonishes me every day.The sound, the feeling, the subjects.It's beautiful and brilliant.Just like you."She coughed again and thought some more. 

 

He was definitely jealous of Marcus or Zayn or both.There were a couple of songs she'd pulled out of the album where there was a definite feeling of that.One which the lyrics said, 'I'm selfish, I know, But I don't ever want to see you with him. I'm selfish I know, I told you, but I know you never listen', and then continued with, 'I hope you can see, the shape that I'm in, while he's touching your skin'.She also figured the last song had a lot to do with them, when she'd left the hotel in New York and then refused to speak with him, call him, or do anything for quite some time.Even after he'd wanted her back.But she couldn't figure out the 'I see that you gave him my old t-shirt', line.She had loaned Marcus a t-shirt of his she'd found when Marcus had spilled coffee all over his shirt one day.But she had gotten it back.

 

"I think I have a lot of questions. But I'm not sure I know what they all are right now."She mused.She held onto his hands in front of her.He hadn't even put his rings on.He kept them off a lot when they were alone together and they weren't going out.She liked that.

 

"Well, could you ask me some, maybe?I want you to like it."He said."I guess I didn't realize how much until right this minute, when I'm not sure what you think."He laughed nervously.

 

"Oh, I love it.I told you, you're talented.You have to remember you did this to me while I'm sick, I've taken too many cold meds, and now ibuprofen."She said.She didn't want him to think she was anything other than proud of him."Just, like, did you see Marcus in your t-shirt that one day?"

 

He laughed.Of course, she would pick that out of it and realize what he meant."Yeah, I saw him leaving Niall's one day when I had come by to pick Niall up.He came out as I was pulling in, I saw him getting in his car with it on.But then you gave me the same t-shirt when I was there that day.So, I'm guessing you got it back?What other questions you got?"

 

"Yeah, he spilled coffee on his shirt, so I let him wear it home, but he gave it back the next time I saw him."She shrugged.She had thought about letting him keep it, but she was glad when he gave it back, although she just couldn't admit it at the time."Uh, I'm guessing in the song called Woman, you didn't like a guy one of your former exes was with."

 

"You, Julie, you.You can say it.Yeah, started with Dr. Dickhead when I saw him with you at Niall and Amanda's party and then at the beach."He grimaced when she frowned down at their hands."I mean, uh...."He stammered.What the fuck was his name?"Uh, Daniel, was it?And then I thought about Zayn and Marcus.It drove me mad even before I admitted to myself I wanted you back."

 

She nodded and let out a breath.This was a lot to think about when she wasn't feeling well.But, now was the time."Um, well, there's a song that says 'she has a book for every situation', and a couple of other things that seem eerily similar to me, but then there's other things that don't seem about me in it."

 

"Carolina?Yeah, well, I figured if I used your name, and where you were really from, you might have an issue, so the premise is about you, and the first time I met you.Your notebooks, and you really not feeling like being a West Coaster, but we manipulated it to fit the song.That's the best thing about writing songs.You can make them how you want.You should know that."He was waiting for one particular question.One that wouldn't be so easy to explain away.He knew she had to think about it.

 

"I heard you sing Two Ghosts when we went to visit Harrietta so I wasn't surprised with that one.The second song, I'm guessing it's called Sign of the Times, I get what that's about, or at least I think I do.Sweet Creature is beautiful and guessing is written for a specific woman in your life that I like very much."She could guess the song titles for most just by listening.There was one other she was extremely curious about.One she figured wasn't about her, but she figured she knew who it was about.She tried to take a deep breath but ended up in a coughing fit instead.She couldn't panic because it was hard enough to breathe right now the way it was."Well, the Angel song, got my attention.Is that what you were waiting for?"She asked.

 

"Yeah, sort of."He said to her.He knew she'd would think it was about Kendall."There's a bunch of influences though, baby.I assume you think the whole thing is about Kendall.And I'll admit there is a bunch that may allude to her in it."

 

"You mean like, short skirts, and being an 'Angel', as in a Victoria's Secret Angel?Like you must admit you wanted to make her yours even though you saw the warning signs?How she's a devil in between the sheets?"Julie spit out.Regretting it almost immediately.

 

"So are you, love."He said resting his head on the top of hers."It's not always what it seems completely.There may be more than one influence."He couldn't deny that some of his album, specifically that song, had Kendall influences.She was in his life, especially prior to Julie.

 

She chuckled and slapped his hands in front of her."Shut up."She chuckled again and shook her head."Ok, so maybe I'm still a bit jealous of her, and a bit upset that you could write a song, or songs about her."She took a breath and then curled up into his body."I think I'm all out of questions for now.I'd like to take a nap, and then I'd like to listen to it again if I could."

 

"I think that's a brilliant idea.Both the nap and listening to the album again."He scooted down and lay next to her."I think I'm going to join you for that nap.Make sure you stay nice and warm, and that you don't have any trouble.I love you, baby."

 

"I love you, too."She tried to get comfortable, the best way she could so she could breathe and sleep at the same time.It was difficult, but she finally fell asleep against him after a few more minutes of restlessness.


	62. Chapter 62

Harry looked over at Julie in the passenger seat when they were finally on their way to Holmes Chapel.The last time they had made this trip was back after they had first gotten together.After Amanda's birthday, before he took her to Paris.She was watching out the window similar to how she had the last time.She had called her doctor back in the US and explained she had a sinus infection a couple of days ago and he had agreed to send over a script for some antibiotics.She was feeling much better after three days of taking them.She was a bit cranky for those few days she was sick, but he found it a tad amusing.She really hated being taken care of.Oh, she was good with it for the first few hours, but when he wanted her to rest and let him do everything for her, as any good boyfriend would do, she got huffy.She whined more during those few days than she had in their entire relationship.Always saying how she managed for years without someone taking care of her when she was sick, she could manage now.He reminded her, often, that she had him now, and he was going to do it.Whether she liked it or not.

 

"Baby?"Harry asked glancing at her and then back at the road."Wanna talk?"

 

"Really?"Julie asked chuckling."What am I supposed to talk about?"

 

"Anything?"He said."It's too quiet."

 

"Why don't you put on the radio?Or play some music from your phone?"She asked looking over at him.Never quite grasping riding on this side of the car.It was so backwards.She felt like she should have the steering wheel in her hands.And she always wanted to tell Harry he was driving on the wrong side of the road."Why are you Brits so backwards?"

 

"See, you do want to talk."Harry shook his head and laughed."We aren't."He continued."I think we're the only ones who have it right."

 

"Crap."She said watching out the window again."Let's not get started on all that again.And just so you know, I refuse to call chips, crisps or fries, chips.At least now, when we aren't in public.But this opposite side of the road thing really freaks me out."

 

"Yeah, well when I started driving it was all I knew, and I wasn't driving long before I was driving in the US, too.So, I've got it down.No worries."He chuckled."So, we could listen to my album again."

 

"Really?I swear, you love your voice more than anyone else ever could."She said."Such an ego you have.You better watch that narcissism."

 

"Yeah, so I'm a bit narcissistic.I've never denied it."He hooked up the iPod and hit play until Meet Me In The Hallway streamed through the speakers of the Range Rover.Forty minutes later, he stopped the album before it started replaying.He had watched her sing along softly to some of the songs.She'd listened to it a few times over the time she had been stuck in bed.She still hadn't asked any additional questions though."So, now that we're trapped in a car, and you can't send me away.Do you have any other thoughts about the album?"

 

"Who's having your baby, Harry?And whose business is it not?"She raised her eyebrows and turned her head towards him."When did you 'pay for it'?"

 

"God, I love conversations with you."He laughed and shook his head."No one's having my baby, and I never paid for it.It's just a silly tongue in cheek song."

 

"Sure, the whole album, minus that song is real."She tilted her head at him."Convince your other girlfriend of that, cuz I ain't buying it.Or should I say, I'm not going to pay for it?"

 

"Listen, woman, why do you have to be like that?"He asked her."Not everything is written specifically as it is.She was going home to a cactus.Who had a bigger prick as a boyfriend than you?"

 

"Yeah, of course, but speaking of Woman, not a whole lot of lyrics in it."She said trying to move away from Kiwi, she wasn't sure she wanted to know much more about it.It was a good beat and a lot of fun."Seems to be quite full of jealousy."

 

"Well, no shit."He laughed."I wanted you for myself, selfishly, no matter if I was the one who ended it or not.Every guy I saw you with I wanted to be in their place, and every time they got near you, I went just a little bit crazier."

 

"Ah, so that explains it, then."Julie said shaking her head."Your album is great Harry, no matter the influences for the songs."She looked over at him, and he was staring at her."Yeah, ok fine, Only Angel will forever drive me crazy.Because no matter how much you say it was sort of influenced by me, I can't buy into that.'Couldn't take you home to mother in a skirt that short, I think that's what I like about it'?I mean, I don't wear short skirts hardly at all, and you did take me home to mother."She shook her head."Ugh, do you know how frustrating it is for me right now?Trying to be all understanding and reasonable?"

 

Harry laughed out loud.When she glared at him, he tried to hide his chuckles."Julie, come on.It's just a song."

 

"A song you wrote, on an album you tell everyone who will listen was the most honest you've ever been."She said looking back out the window."My sympathy for HER has completely disappeared.I wish I would have pushed her off the Eiffel tower."She said softly.

 

"Don't talk like that."Harry reached over and took her hand."She's no longer a part of our lives.I told her she wasn't welcome in mine anymore.She's not a threat to you.Not anymore."

 

"Yeah, well I hate that she ever was."Julie said fighting herself not to pull her hand away from his."I hate being reasonable.I want to tell you to let me out of the car and let me walk right now."

 

"Yeah, well, we are still only halfway there.We still have another hour and a half until we reach Mum's.So, maybe I will let you out a little closer."He couldn't help but tease her."Seriously, you're not going to be mad at me for writing a song, are you?"

 

"Well, maybe I'll go write one about Daniel, or Marcus, or Zayn.How would you like it?"She asked, a bit hurt he would make fun of her for having feelings like this.

 

"Ok, ouch, I get it."He looked over at her."I like it when you're jealous, don't you remember?I seem to recall some forks being brought up at a certain meet and greet back in the day."

 

"Shut up."She said to him."Don't remind me."

 

"I promise I accept your completely irrational jealousy, because I experienced it more than I think you ever could."He said.

 

"I still don't understand how you could be jealous over me."She took a deep breath."No matter how many times we say we love each other, no matter how much I believe you, there's always that little bit that wonders how you could possibly be that jealous over me."

 

"Yeah, well, believe it.I've lost my mind a few times over you.And knowing it was my fault.Knowing I had to accept what you decided, yet only wanting one thing.Fuck, Julie, I know jealousy."He looked over at her."I don't ever want to feel it again."

 

"Yeah, I know the feeling."She said.She took a deep breath and looked over at him."I will try not to have glowing green eyes of envy every time I hear that song, but I can't promise anything."

 

"Deal."Harry said."But you still love it?"He asked grinning at her.

 

Damn him and those fucking dimples.He could melt even the coldest heart.Hell, he already had.Hers had been pretty much frozen. She didn't even recognize the one she had now. "Yes, Harry, I still love it.And even Only Angel could have been my favorite song, if only it was about someone else."

 

"Yeah, not the best timing on you listening to it, huh?"Harry said."I promise you, that I made it clear that she wasn't to mess with you anymore, or us.That she wasn't welcome in my life."

 

"And that hurts you, doesn't it?"She asked looking at him.

 

"Not in the way you think.It hurts that I trusted her as a friend, and she turned and betrayed me by hurting the person she knew I loved."He said.

 

Julie let out a breath and then looked back at his face again."I'm sorry.I know it's hard for me to get past.I know that it's not fair that I don't sympathize when it comes to her.But I'd really just like to tell her to fuck off.And I'm sorry it hurt you.I'm sorry she betrayed you, but I'm not sorry she's out of your life.If she is."

 

"What do you mean, if she is?"Harry asked pulling her hand as she looked away."Julie, I just told you that I'd told her she wasn't welcome."

 

"Yeah, well, I don't trust her.I don't trust you telling her that she's not welcome, matters to her.Sorry.She's manipulated everything she possibly could from Paris, or maybe even before, until now.She's decided when you were to come back into her life, no matter if I was in the way or not.What makes you think she's going to just disappear because you asked her to?"She shrugged her shoulders."Sometimes, you can be pretty naive when it comes to people.You believe so thoroughly in the good, that you forget there's also the bad.And well, she hasn't showed me her 'good', at all."

 

"Julie, you can't believe that."Harry asked stumped.He thought back to the phone conversation with his mum.Why did no one believe him when he said he told Kendall that she was no longer welcome in his life, and that he'd made it clear, very clear?"I didn't leave it open for interpretation."

 

"And how many times have you told her that you two were done?Or how many times did she tell you that?And what happens when one of you gets out of another relationship and the other is single?"Julie asked."Look, I'm sorry, if I'm giving you a hard time.I've told you before, you just can't quit her.So, even though I'd love to believe you put her in her rightful place, I can't.And the fact that you don't think I need to make her well aware of how I feel makes me question if you're truly ready to let her be completely gone from your life.Or if part of you still wants to make sure she's still hanging around, you know, just in case."

 

"Just in case, what, exactly?"Harry asked putting both hands on the steering wheel and tightening them.He watched his knuckles turn white and then relaxed a little until the color returned."That we don't work?You seriously think that I somehow made it seem like I wasn't serious and that I want her around in case you and I don't work?"He blew out a breath."Fuck.I can't believe you'd think that."

 

"You can't?Yeah, well, I can't believe you spilled my biggest secret, no, my biggest fear, to someone who absolutely hates me, without even knowing me."Julie spit back."No, you know what, forget it.I don't want to fight.Let's just stop talking right now."

 

"No, we aren't going to stop talking."He said, trying to calm his anger."You need to tell me why you think I'm holding onto Kendall in case you and I don't work out.Why would you even think that?"

 

"I told you, I don't want to fight."She crossed her arms across her chest and looked back out the window.

 

"Fuck that, Julie."He said angrily."You can't just start this and then not explain it to me."

 

"Stop cursing at me.Seriously."She looked over at him."So, because it angered you, I need to explain it?But, I'm just supposed to understand what you told her, and that she would understand just because you tell me that's how it went down.With no details?"

 

"So, in other words, you've been angry this whole damn time, and you've just been hiding it?"He asked glancing at her and then back to the road."Thought we were done with the hiding shit."

 

"Hiding shit, doesn't seem to only come from me in this relationship."She said calmly."You like to think it's just me, but it's never been that way."

 

"I wasn't fucking hiding Kendall.God damn it, Julie."He clenched his teeth."All this from a fucking song."

 

"It's not just the song.Ah, you can be so daft sometimes, I swear."She shook her head."I said I don't want to fight.If you would have let it be, I wouldn't have to listen to you curse at me because you don't agree with how I feel.I'm not rational when it comes to her.Shouldn't be a surprise.If it is, maybe you don't know me at all."

 

"Bullshit.That's not, fine, you know what, we can stop talking about it." He stumbled through his words.He was angry, but he wasn't going to get anywhere like this.

 

"Good."She said as she stared out the window.

 

"Yeah, perfect."He said as he looked straight out the windshield.Why would she think that way about him?Did she question their relationship that much?Was she the one who wondered if they would make it, and she was just pushing it off on him, or was it more than that?Why did his mum seem to question whether or not he wanted Kendall out of his life for good?He knew that he had gone back to her a couple of times, and she had come back to him a couple of times, too.They just seemed to be there when the other one needed something.He sighed.Yeah, maybe that was the problem.

 

They were about to drive into Holmes Chapel, and the silence for the past hour or more was killing him.His stubborn, beautiful girlfriend was sitting in the car next to him, one that he had worked hard at getting back and convincing she should be with him and all he was wondering was if she was right about another woman.He made a decision.He pulled the car over to the side of the road and put it in park.

 

"What are you doing?"Julie asked as he parked the car on the side of the road.

 

"We're not showing up to Mum's like this.We're going to fight it out, now, before we get there."He said.

 

"I told you, I don't want to fight.Why do you have to push me?I'm trying to be a supportive, understanding girlfriend, and you're making it really difficult right now."She said rolling her eyes.

 

"You may be stubborn, and a bit mouthy, but no one said you weren't supportive and understanding."He grabbed her hand."I'm sorry.I'm sorry that I let it get this far. I'm sorry that I've made mistakes and that made you question my intentions with another woman.I was never with her, when we were together, and I never would be.I love YOU, no matter how stubborn, jealous, irrational or angry you are.You need details, I'll tell you details.I'm not keeping you away from her for my sake.I'm keeping you away from her for your sake.Why should you have to deal with it?You weren't in any type of relationship with her, friendship or otherwise.I was.I brought this to us."

 

Julie sighed and looked down at her lap.She couldn't even look at their hands together.She felt tears gathering in her eyes and tried to fight them back.She couldn't think of any words to say right now.When she didn't say anything, he continued.

 

"I went to her house, I confronted her, and she denied it, at first.I wanted to believe her since she was supposed to be my friend.But, things you said kept gnawing at me, something didn't seem right, so I questioned her again, and again until she admitted it.Then I just got angry.I told her that she had no right to say anything to anyone, and that she had no idea what she had done."He took a deep breath."I told her that she did more than help sell lies to magazines.She asked me how I knew they were lies.And I told her I witnessed it.That I knew the truth.That she caused more than a little trouble by her sneaky media contacts.She apologized.She said she was wrong and asked for my forgiveness.I forgave her."

 

Julie snapped her head up and looked at him.She pulled her hands from him and didn't even bother to fight the tears."You what?!"She asked incredulously."Just like that?You forgave her?And you wonder why I question if you truly want her out of your life!"She reached down and unbuckled her seatbelt and quickly got out of the car.She couldn't believe what she was hearing.He forgave her?!Before he had even left her house that day, the day he'd found out she was the one behind this mess.Who the fuck was this girl and what kind of spell did she have over her boyfriend?She didn't get three steps from the open door before she felt hands on her shoulders."I wouldn't touch me right now."

 

"I don't care."He said hands still on her shoulders."I forgave her, and then I told her that I never wanted to see her again.That I could never trust her, and that she'd hurt me more than she even knew by hurting you, and that there was no need for us to ever have any other contact.For any reason."

 

"So, you were extremely nice to her when she basically ripped my world apart?Yeah, Harry, shows me that you want nothing to do with her again, ever."She said sarcastically.

 

"What did you want me to do?Tell her that I could never forgive her?"Harry asked dropping his hands from her shoulders.

 

"Yes, would have been a good start!"Julie said throwing her hands up to the side."How about, you trashed my girlfriend's name to the entire world, why would I forgive you?!Listen, you and your treat people with kindness is a wonderful thing.But, for fuck's sake she told the media where to find my abusive ex-boyfriend so that he could make money off of lying about me and making the world think I'm some manipulative, fucked up slut who plays with guys for fun!"

 

"She didn't know what he'd done to you.I didn't tell her that much, I've told you that before."Harry reiterated to her.

 

"I DON'T FUCKING CARE!"Julie screamed at him.Suddenly realizing that they are standing in a ditch on the side of the road right after entering the Holmes Chapel city limits.

 

Harry took a deep breath.Ok, well at least this was a little healthier, showing her anger."I get that, it's just..."

 

"NO, YOU DON'T!"She took a deep breath and then tried to calm herself and lowered her voice."Because if you did, then you wouldn't believe that what you said to Kendall was sticking up for me at all.She didn't just voice her opinion about her ex's new girlfriend.She put media outlets from across the country onto a story she knew NOTHING about.Nothing other than the little you decided to share on your drunken romp in the middle of the ocean."

 

"Julie, I just, I told her she's not, I told her I didn't want."Fuck.He couldn't think of what to say."I just wanted to be the bigger person.I wanted her to know she was out of our lives. I didn't want to hurt someone purposely."

 

"LIKE SHE DID?!"Julie looked at him."You know what, maybe you're just too good of a person for me.Because I would have liked to have knocked her teeth out, and all you tell her is, I forgive you, but since I have a girlfriend who you just exposed to the entire world, not only that but with the most painful part of her past, just don't come around anymore. Ok, please, and thank you."

 

"I didn't say that."He cupped her cheek and grabbed her around the waist when she went to walk away."Julie, I will never be sorry enough for the things I did when we were apart.I trusted her when I shouldn't have.But, she means nothing.I love you.I just wish you could believe that."

 

Julie wiped at her tears angrily.She took a few deep breaths to calm down.She hated that this fucking woman could get her so worked up."I do.And I love you.But, I just, I can't."It was her turn to stumble through her words."It hurts to think that someone I don't even know would do that.Simply because I am dating you.I know that I ran my mouth at the party, maybe a little too much.But I would have NEVER gone public with any of it.I'm not good at trying to be a rational girlfriend."

 

"You're fine.She just brings out the best in you.Or the worst.I can't quite decide."He leaned down and kissed her forehead resting his lips there for a few moments."So, do you think you can get back in the car with me so we can pull up to Mum's together?"Oh, what would he say if he had to pull up and tell them he'd lost his girlfriend on the way here?"I love you, Julie. Kendall is nothing. She's not ever going to be a part of our lives."

 

"Alright, ok, I'm sorry."She said as she tried again to calm down."I'm sorry I got so angry.But I'm not sorry that I still want to knock her teeth out."

 

Harry chuckled as he took her hand and walked her back to the car."I'd never ask you to be sorry about that.I may have had a few thoughts like that about a few different people in your life.And sometimes, it's hard to control."

 

"Yeah, well, if I ever see her again, I can't promise I will control the urge."Julie said as she got back in the car.She buckled her seatbelt as he climbed back into the driver's side.

 

"Yeah, I'll keep that in mind."He said as he buckled up and put the car in drive."Luckily I'm sure she has access to a really good dentist."He smiled when he heard her laugh lightly.He didn't always do things the right way, but he'd meant it when he'd told Kendall she was out of his life.In any capacity.He would continue to fight with his hard-headed girlfriend until she realized it, too.


	63. Chapter 63

Harry and Julie had been at Anne's home for few hours.They'd had some nice conversation with Anne and Robin, shared some lunch and had a glass of wine in the garden.The calm after the storm they'd had during the drive was relaxing and peaceful.Julie had excused herself and gone up to Harry's room to freshen up.And if she was honest with herself, she needed a moment.The conversation, or let's face it, argument on the way to Holmes Chapel had gotten to her.The exchange had been pretty intense.She splashed some water onto her face and then leaned on the sink.She looked up into the mirror and saw Harry walk in behind her.He wrapped his arms around her waist and nuzzled his nose into her hair.

 

"Are you still mad at me?"He asked her mumbled by his face buried into her hair.

 

"Yes."She said as she felt him sigh."I don't know, Harry.I'm mad at the situation.I'm trying, hard, to just move past it.Overlook it, and just live for the few people who know me.But it's harder than I thought it would be."

 

He moved back and spun her around so her back was against the sink and she was looking at him."Things haven't been easy."

 

"When have things been easy for me?I'm beginning to understand that I make it that way."She said putting her hands on his chest."I shouldn't let her get to me.I should be confident and know that you chose me.That you're with me, but I just get back into that mindset that I'm not worth it.That I'm not the kind of girl that you should want."

 

Harry cupped her cheek."I wish you wouldn't think that way about yourself.I love you.You're completely worth it, and I don't like it when you're so down on yourself because of things people who don't know you say."

 

"Yeah, but it's someone you spent a lot of time with.Someone you thought was a good friend.If you thought that, then I just, you're so open and honest and surround yourself with good people.So, shouldn't I see that in her, too?"Julie asked.She looked up at him with confused eyes.

 

"Well, I surround myself with you, more than anyone.So, if that's the case, you're the best person there is.Not everyone is meant to get along.And sometimes, people aren't what they seem, or sometimes they change.And sometimes I can make a mistake."He looked at her."And before you say it, no, I didn't make a mistake with you.You play rough and tough, you act like you're cold and complicated, when deep down you're not.You're a great friend, you care a lot about those you choose to, and you're honest.Some people show the sweet when deep down they aren't.I can see through you.And sometimes when you show it, I beam with pride that I'm right, and that I could see your amazing heart and soul."He leaned down and kissed her nose."Be proud of who you are.Because I'm proud of who you are."

 

"Ok, stop."She said as the tears she was fighting rolled down her cheeks.She buried her face into his chest and wrapped her arms around his waist."Don't make me cry."

 

"See, I like it when you show your softness."He said kissing the top of her head and squeezing her tightly.He pulled back again and looked at her."No sadness.We're here, we're together, and if you allow it, we can rule the world together.Maybe not the whole world, but at least our little part of it."

 

"Why are you being like this?I was mad at you two seconds ago."She wiped her tears again."I still want to be mad.But now you've got me all soft and crying.And I don't like it."

 

He smirked at her."That was my goal.Get you all into me so I could take advantage of you."

 

"Oh, for fuck's sake."Julie said pushing him away by his stomach."Way to ruin it."

 

"Well, yeah, see I wanted to get you out of that moment."He came up and wrapped her around the waist and nuzzled her neck from behind."We've got dinner plans with the family.Not just mum and Robin.We're going to a pub and meeting other family.I want them to meet the love of my life."

 

"What?What is it with you and the surprise family meetings?"She elbowed him lightly in the stomach."First, you tell me that I'm meeting your mom when I'm getting on the plane to London for the first time, and now, you wait until we've gotta get ready to go to tell me I'm meeting other family."

 

"Yeah, well.I didn't want you to panic longer than you had to."He sat down on the bed and pulled her into his lap."You can charm the pants off of anyone without even trying.I love watching you work a room."

 

"Seriously, you can shut up now."Julie said wrapping her arms around his shoulders and this time nuzzling her face into the crook of his neck."I'm still supposed to be mad at you."

 

"Why bother trying?You know you can't stay mad at me.You love me way too much."He said tickling her sides.He laughed when she jumped out of his lap.

 

"Not when you tickle me!"She said stepping away."That's one sure way to make certain that I go back to being mad at you."

 

"Sometimes, you're no fun."He got up moving his fingers in a tickling motion.He grinned when she slapped at his hands."Oh, come on, I love hearing your laugh, and I haven't heard it near enough lately."

 

"There hasn't been much to laugh at."She said stopping him by putting her hands on his stomach again."Is this a casual type of family engagement?Like a real pub?Or a Harry Styles-type pub?"

 

"What's a Harry Styles-type pub?"He laughed as he wrapped her in his arms again.

 

"One that's super fancy and hamburgers cost like $100 each."Julie said looking up at him.She reached her finger up and pushed in his dimple."You could live in that thing."

 

He chuckled."First, I don't go to places where hamburgers cost $100 each.Don't exaggerate."He shook his head."And second, I've seen fans build homes in the dimple, so you aren't the first to say that."He laughed at the look on her face.

 

"Maybe that's how they come up with half the things they do.They over hear things."She stood on her toes and pretended to look in the dimple."We should serve eviction notices."

 

"So dorky."He said slapping her bum.

 

"Me?You have the corner on dorky."She said."Ok, well, what should I be wearing to our regular pub night out?"

 

"Whatever you want, love."He said leaning down and kissing her."It's going to be fine, baby.Don't worry.We're just going to spend some casual time with the family, have some food and a few drinks.There's no pressure."

 

"Sure, there's no pressure."She said patting his shoulder.

 

"There's not."He walked up and kissed her."We leave in an hour.No rush."

 

Julie turned and went and grabbed her clothes."I'm going to shower.And Harry," she waited until he turned around."The kissing up is nice, but you're still not out of the woods yet."

 

"Right, damn it."He said as he grabbed his clothes to go get changed.There was more to tonight then he'd led on.They were going to a pub, and they were going to be with family.And friends.But there was more than she was expecting.And he hoped she liked it.

 

About an hour later, Harry walked into the pub holding Julie's hand.She tried to make it where they walked in separate, but he wasn't having any of it.He wasn't hiding her.Not anymore.Not when they were simply spending time in his hometown.He held it tight when she tried to slip it away.It was a quiet pub, considering it was mid week, but there were a few people sitting in the main dining room.They had to walk through it to get to the private room they would be in.He saw some younger patrons take out their phones and walked up to them.He explained he would prefer quiet, and if they agreed to hold off on posting and not post about who he was with, he would take pictures with them and give them autographs before they left.He didn't quite trust them fully, so he told the hostess to come get him when they were leaving so he could honor his offer.He walked back up to Julie and escorted her through the door to the back room.

 

"Here we are, baby.Hope it feels comfortable.A bit more at home."He wrapped his arm around her waist as they walked in.

 

"It's pretty nice.Small, quiet, rustic.Ok, so maybe you do know me a little."She smiled up at him, and then when she felt another pair of arms around her she hugged Anne back."Hi, good to see you again so soon."

 

"Yes!It's a perfect little pub, right?Holmes Chapel is nice, quiet, friendly, you know."Anne said winking at Harry and walking Julie over to a group of family and introducing her all around.

 

Harry smiled as he watched his mum introduce Julie to the family that was there.He ordered drinks for both of them and waited at the bar while the bartender poured them.He never got sick of her working a room.Even though she tried not to have to do it often, she did it well.Everyone seemed to smile and hug her.Conversation seemed to be plentiful.He knew she would be a bit overwhelmed soon, so he couldn't wait for the first surprise of the night.After a few more minutes, Harry took the glass of cold white wine over to her."Hey, I got something for you."He smiled down into her eyes.

 

"Yeah, a glass of wine.Thanks."She said as she took a sip.

 

"Yes, but not that."He turned her towards the door and smiled when her eyes lit up."Figured it might help you get through a room full of my family."

 

Julie reached up and kissed him quick and then walked over to Panda and Niall who were just entering.She immediately hugged them."What are you doing here?I thought you were going to Ireland?"

 

"We are, tomorrow.Harry thought tonight would be nice to spend together, since it's family.And well, you are our family, and I hope we're yours."Amanda said.

 

"Of course.It is definitely nice to have some family here."Julie couldn't help but smile.She looked back at Harry and shook her head lightly at him.Always full of surprises.No matter how mad she was or how angry he made her, he always had something up his sleeve to help her, show her how much she mattered."I had no idea."

 

"Yeah, Harry wanted it to be a surprise.He knew that having a lot of his family here, you would be like the shiny new toy, so he figured some friendly faces would be nice."Amanda said looking up as Harry walked over to them.

 

"Wasn't quite how I put it.But something like that."He said slipping his arm around her waist again."I just wanted to make sure you were able to have someone familiar to talk to besides me and my immediate family.Just in case."

 

"Just in case what?You afraid I'm going to spill secrets?"Julie asked looking up at him.

 

"Oh, I'm more afraid they are going to spill secrets."Harry shook his head at her."Maybe I wanted you distracted from the embarrassing stories."

 

"Well, I'm sure I could share some embarrassing stories, too."Niall winked at Harry."After all, I spent almost all of my time with you during your late teens."

 

Harry laughed."Yeah, I think we'll save those.Thanks, buddy."He walked them over to the bar so Niall and Amanda could get a drink.He kept looking at his watch.There was one more surprise he had for her tonight.Sort of an early Christmas gift.He was a bit nervous about it.The hostess from earlier came to get Harry, the girls he'd talked to earlier were leaving, and he had promised them photos.He hoped to get them to hold off a little longer with posting his whereabouts and the pictures."Excuse me, I'll be right back, duty calls."He kissed Julie and set his glass on the bar.

 

He went out and took a couple of pictures with the fans, spoke to them briefly, they seemed kind, but they always did to him.He just hoped they did what they said and held off on posting the photos.He waved as they walked out the door and shook hands and spoke with the owner for a few minutes before turning to go back in by Julie.He smiled when he heard his name from the door and turned around.He'd invited a few friends that were back in the UK right now.They weren't all in the same place very often anymore unless it was LA.Jeff, Glenne, and Nick, whom Julie had already met, Ben Winston and James Corden and their wives, Meredith and Jules.He walked over and hugged everyone."Thank you, guys, so much for coming tonight."

 

"Any time, mate!"Nick said cheerfully."I was happy to hear you were back!Now, take me to your better half, she and I need to talk."He clapped Harry on the back."I need to warn her, so she's better prepared to deal with you this time."

 

"Oh, trust me, mate.I think she has already dealt with all of the bad.Better than she needed too.And trust me, she gives me more hell than anyone."Harry smiled.

 

"Which is why we all think she's perfect for you."James said taking his turn to clap Harry on the back."Now that we have the wives here, once she's in.You know you're in trouble, right?"

 

"Man, I was in trouble the moment I laid eyes on this one.And the first time I heard her sassy mouth."Harry grinned from ear to ear.He clapped Jeff on the back this time."He may think I'm a bit over eager, but ya know, when it's right, it's right."

 

"It's my job to control your image."Jeff started.

 

"Yeah, we get it."Glenne interrupted."But tonight, it's not about that.Tonight, it's about celebrating our friends and love.So, leave the work out of it."

 

"And this is why, women are the boss."Ben said walking with the group towards the back room."So, she really doesn't know what's happening?"

 

"No, not a clue.You guys are the only ones who know.So please, keep it quiet.I know how your mouths get you in a lot of trouble.Please, don't let tonight be one of those nights.After dinner, she will find out."Harry said opening the door to the back room.He immediately spotted Julie with Niall and Amanda, but they were talking to his mum, Gemma, and a couple of his mum's close friends, whom he referred to as his aunts for as long as he could remember.He waved her over and wasn't surprised when she hesitated.She definitely was not one that liked surprises.He reached his hand out for hers and lifted it to kiss the back of her hand when she slid hers into his."Hey, baby, I know you've met Jeff, Glenne and Nick, but I wanted you to meet James and Jules, and Ben and Meredith.I'm actually sorry you haven't met them sooner."

 

Julie smiled and accepted hugs from everyone.She had to admit everyone Harry was associated with was extremely friendly.She smiled up at Nick when he stood next to her with his arm around her waist."Nice to see you again, Nick."

 

"I see you didn't heed my warnings about this fool before."He winked at her.

 

"Oh, I thought the last time you were sizing me up."Julie raised her eyebrows at him.

 

"Yeah, well, once I realized you were quite normal, I thought I made it clear you had to watch out for this guy."Nick added nodding towards Harry.

 

"Yeah, well, I've never been very good at listening.And I'm sort of good at the self-punishment thing."Julie shrugged at him.

 

"Heeeeyyyy."Harry exclaimed with a playful hurt look on his face."Don't make me regret bringing you guys together."

 

"Oh, you know you wouldn't have it any other way."Nick smirked.He watched the women go over to the other side of the room to speak with Anne, Gemma, and Amanda, and watched Niall come towards them."Mate, good to see you."

 

"Good to see you, too.All of you."Niall said greeting everyone."So, you've pulled out all the stops here, mate."He said to Harry."You know she's going to be suspicious, yeah?"

 

Harry laughed."Yeah, when isn't she suspicious?She's always questioning everything."He shrugged.They all worked around the room for about another half an hour and then dinner was served.He sat back a lot and watched the interaction from everyone.It was exactly what he wanted to see.He missed this while he was constantly on the road – family, friends, the easy conversation of people who cared for each other, people he trusted.He knew he would be itching to be busy again soon, performing and traveling, but for now, this is what he wanted.For now, through the holidays, and mostly through Niall and Amanda's wedding, he was going to concentrate on his relationship with Julie.Something he'd never put first completely before.He looked down at her when she leaned into him as they were finishing cleaning up after everyone ate.

 

"What's going on, Harry?"Julie asked looking up into his eyes."Why do you have basically every important person in your life here tonight?"

 

"It's not everyone.I mean, Liam and Louis are missing, and Dad and...."He started to say staring back directly into those amazing blue eyes.

 

"Yes, ok, I get it, but more than enough of them.What is going on?"She asked again.

 

"You'll find out soon.I promise."He leaned down and kissed her lips.He let go of her hand and stood up walking over to the middle of the room and clearing his throat to get everyone's attention.He looked over at Julie and could see the blush creeping into her cheeks.Yeah, he knew she would get embarrassed, but he didn't care, not in this moment."I just wanted to take a moment to thank everyone for coming tonight.The holidays are coming up soon, including in two days, the American tradition of Thanksgiving.I thought tonight would be a great time to thank everyone that could be here for everything they've done in my life."

 

Julie looked down at her hands and then over at Amanda when Amanda took her hand.Amanda nodded towards Harry, and Julie took a deep breath and then looked at him and smiled.She knew she was going to get brought into this.And she knew he was going to embarrass her, but she'd suck it up for him.She shook her head and then motioned for him to continue.

 

Harry smiled at her."Most of you already know, this past year has been one of new adventures, and also personal struggles.But I have to say, all of it was worth it.I've made a movie, which I never imagined I'd be able to make already, one that I'm proud of.I've been able to create an album, which I'm also extremely proud of.But mostly, I got back something that I was stupid to lose in the first place."He reached his hand out."Baby?Will you come here for a minute?"

 

Julie licked over her lips and stood up slowly walking over to him.She slid her hand into his and let him lean down and kiss her."You're embarrassing me." She whispered in his ear.

 

"I know."He said as he kissed her again."Just give me a minute."He chuckled."This beautiful woman gave me a second chance when she didn't have to.And I've fucked up a few times, when we broke up, and before we even got back together.Yet, here she stands, with me and almost all my close, crazy family and friends, and I couldn't feel like a luckier man right now.Until I lost it, I never knew I needed the support, the love, the cheering on of a wonderful person.She'll never admit it, but she's good for me.She makes me a better person.She calls me on my bullshit, which as you all know, can be quite often.Her humor, her sass, her perseverance, her strength and her complete ability to just survive every day, makes me strive to be more and more like her all the time."He looked down once again into his favorite blue eyes."I love you.And I'm glad you decided to let me try to prove it to you again.And although I may continue to step in it, quite often, I will always work hard to make it up to you."He reached over and cupped her cheek running his thumb over it."You're what I need to keep me sane.You make sure I stay real.You make sure I don't get caught up in my own shit.You've made me work harder on the way I want to be, myself.Thank you for being by my side again.And I give you my word, I will not fuck this up again, because I don't know what I would do without you."

 

Julie swallowed the lump in her throat.She couldn't help the tears from falling onto her cheeks.Damn him.He made her cry in a room full of people.She took a deep breath but never broke eye contact."I love you, too.Very much."She said quietly as his lips captured hers.She buried herself into his chest when the whole room clapped and cheered and it reminded her of when she went to surprise him in Florida and something similar had happened.It was still embarrassing.

 

Harry chuckled and held her closely in his arms."Well, I know she's already embarrassed and hates surprises, but I have one more."He said.He looked down at her face, wiped the tears from her cheeks with his thumbs and nodded towards the door of the room.

 

Julie shook her head at him, laid her cheek against his chest and looked at the door.Her eyes widened in shock when she saw his next surprise.She covered her mouth and looked up at him again."I can't believe it."She muttered.


	64. Chapter 64

Harry looked down at Julie's face as she watched his friend Ed Sheeran walk in with his guitar.She was shocked.She'd teased him most about meeting Ed.Teasing him that Ed was her favorite singer/songwriter.They had just never had the opportunity to get together.She wasn't star struck with him, which was nice; but she seemed to be with Ed.She was practically buried into Harry's side."Julie, this is my friend Ed.Ed, meet my beautiful girlfriend, Julie."Harry said making introductions.He untangled himself from Julie long enough to give Ed a hug.He stepped back and heard Julie gasp when Ed pulled her into a one-armed hug.

 

"It's nice to finally meet you."Ed said smiling at Harry over Julie's shoulder."So, I hear I'm your favorite singer and songwriter, yeah?"He winked at Harry and pulled back from Julie."You really have good taste."He teased.

 

Julie blushed and looked down at her feet."I, uh, yeah, I guess I do."She giggled nervously.Oh, for fuck's sake she thought to herself.Act like you've done this before."I mean, yeah, your songs and lyrics are great.I'm definitely a fan."

 

"I'm happy to hear it.So, I was hoping to play a few songs for you tonight.Think that'd be ok?"Ed asked.

 

"For me?You mean for everyone?"Julie asked.Once again feeling the heat in her cheeks.

 

"No, for you.Someone requested them specifically."He said to her."Hope that's ok with you."He smiled and then walked towards a little stage in the front of the room.

 

"Harry."Julie said looking up at him.

 

"Just, enjoy it baby."He said kissing her gently and then walking up to where Ed was getting everything set."Thanks, so much, for doing this for me tonight.Although, can't say my girlfriend being more star struck over you than me is comforting."

 

Ed laughed."Well, now you know how I feel when Cherry goes goofy over you."He strummed his guitar a few times."So, I figured I'd sing a couple songs first.And then end on the new one.You think that's ok?"

 

"Yeah, sounds great.Thanks for letting us hear the new song before it's released.When I heard it, I just knew that it fit.It's almost like I could have written it for her.But you got to it first."Harry laughed."Thanks again, man."He made his way back to Julie and stood behind her wrapping his arms around her waist.

 

"Oh, my, god!"Amanda exclaimed coming up and standing beside Harry and JJ."Ed Sheeran!Unbelievable!"She bounced on the balls of her feet."He's SSSSSSOOOOOO good."

 

"Uh, Princess, I mean, I'm standing right here."Niall said feigning hurt.

 

"Oh, yeah, well, I mean, of course he's not as good as you, babe.It's just.Well..." She started laughing."Yeah, I got nothing.He's good, and I can't believe he's going to sing to us in this little room!"

 

"Again.I sing to you privately.So, thanks, Princess."Niall said a bit chagrinned wrapping an arm around her waist and resting his chin on her forehead.

 

"No thanks needed, babe."Amanda said lacing her fingers down through Niall's hand on her waist."Think you can get him to sing for our wedding?"

 

"Oh, here we go."Niall laughed."Can we just take a break, one night, and enjoy this without planning?We will talk about it."

 

"Yeah, yeah, fine."Amanda said."Now shut up.Ed's going to sing."

 

Harry laughed."You two sound just like us."He kissed Julie's lips."I hope you like it, baby."

 

"Like it?It's amazing.As is everything you do."Julie said leaning back against Harry's chest and listened to Ed start to play.The first song he sang was 'Thinking Out Loud'.She loved this song.She looked up into Harry's eyes and started quietly singing her favorite part to him.

 

'Cause, honey, your soul could never grow old, it's evergreen

And, baby, your smile's forever in my mind and memory

I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways

Maybe it's all part of a plan

Well, I'll just keep on making the same mistakes

Hoping that you'll understand

 

That, baby, now

Take me into your loving arms

Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars

Place your head on my beating heart

Thinking out loud

Maybe we found love right where we are

 

Harry smiled.He knew she was a fan of Ed's music, but he had no idea she knew the lyrics like she did.But, of course he should have known.She was a lyric person.She connected to those first.He knew that.He bit his bottom lip until she was done and then kissed her lips."I love you."

 

Ed moved onto the song 'Photograph'.Harry swayed back and forth with Julie in his arms.It didn't seem like dancing, which he never did.Well, anyway.It felt, good, and natural.When she looked back at him he looked into her eyes and this time sang softly to her.

 

So you can keep me

Inside the pocket of your ripped jeans

Holding me closer 'til our eyes meet

You won't ever be alone

And if you hurt me

That's ok baby, only words bleed

Inside these pages you just hold me

And I won't ever let you go

Wait for me to come home

 

They were in a room full of people, but it felt as if it was just the two of them.It was such a perfect feeling.Julie searched those perfect green eyes looking deep into her soul.He would forever be the one she loved.No matter what happened.The song had ended, and she had barely noticed until she felt Amanda pull her away from Harry.Ed had moved on to songs that were a bit more high-tempo; one song called 'Don't'.This song was definitely not the romantic songs he was just singing.She started laughing when Amanda spun her around.Before she knew it, they were joined by Gemma and a couple of Harry's cousins.She found herself laughing and dancing along.They continued dancing when he started singing 'Sing'.

 

Harry stood back with Niall."Well, I knew they were fans, but I didn't know they were this into Ed."

 

Niall shook his head and laughed."Yeah, good thing he has a girlfriend. Otherwise, we might both lose our girls."He took a drink of his beer."Now Amanda wants Ed to sing at our wedding.I mean, you got him to sing for Julie at a pub for a little get together.How am I going to top this for our wedding?"

 

"Hell, that girl will be the happiest girl in the world just marrying you.Why are you worried?She's a bit high maintenance when it comes to the details.But in the end, it's you she wants, buddy."Harry clapped Niall on the back."How was that for a pep talk?"

 

"Great.Except I know you're full of shit, so, yeah, not helping."Niall said.

 

When 'Sing' finished, Harry started walking towards Julie."That's my cue."

 

Niall headed towards Amanda when Harry started to walk towards Julie.Great, more he was going to have to live up to.He chuckled and wrapped his arm Amanda's shoulders when she walked up to him."Hey, you looked like you were having fun."

 

"Oh!Yes!"Amanda said kissing his lips."He's pretty great.But I was just teasing before, love.No one comes close to you.I love you, endlessly."She smiled and kissed his lips.

 

Niall tightened his arm around her shoulders."I know, babe.As I love you."He kissed her lips and then her forehead."But I don't think the surprises are over yet."Niall told her.

 

Amanda wrapped her arms around Niall's waist and leaned into him."I doubt it.I knew he loved her before.But the way he looks at her now is different.It's like he sees her from the inside out.And she, well, she seems completely in love with him.I don't know how, but it's different."

 

"Yeah, I see it, too.Maybe they needed to go through the tough times to figure it out.But as long as it worked and they are now both happy, then I won't complain.No matter how many times we had to listen to them whine about each other over the year they were a part."Niall laughed.

 

Ed looked over at Julie and then Harry who was walking up behind her.He spoke into the microphone."This next song hasn't been released.It's actually going to be on the new album released at the beginning of the year.But that's a secret, so let's keep it between us, shall we?Anyway, this song I'm about to sing is called 'Perfect'.And the moment Harry heard it, he pretty much planned this little shindig.He wanted to make sure he was looking into the eyes of the one he loved when she heard it for the first time.So, I hope you enjoy it."

 

Julie spun quickly and looked up at Harry when Ed finished his introduction."What did you do?"She asked with tears filling her eyes.

 

"Just listen to the song, baby."He said as he pulled her to him.Wrapping her in his arms."Dance with me?"He asked smiling into her eyes.They started to sway back and forth as the song started.He looked into her eyes as she looked back into his the whole time, softly singing along with every word with Ed.The whole song fit them, in his opinion, even though Ed had written it for Cherry. 

 

I found a love for me

Darling just dive right in

And follow my lead

Well I found a girl beautiful and sweet

I never knew you were the someone waiting for me

'Cause we were just kids when we fell in love

Not knowing what it was

I will not give you up this time

But darling, just kiss me slow, your heart is all I own

And in your eyes you're holding mine

 

He watched her taking in the lyrics.Hoping she understood.Hoping that she connected them to their situation just as he did.He wanted her to be able to hear Ed sing them, but he couldn't help but sing a bit louder when it came to the verse that connected her to this song for him completely.

 

Well I found a woman, stronger than anyone I know

She shares my dreams, I hope that someday I'll share her home

I found a love, to carry more than just my secrets

To carry love, to carry children of our own

We are still kids, but we're so in love

Fighting against all odds

I know we'll be alright this time

Darling, just hold my hand

Be my girl, I'll be your man

I see my future in your eyes

 

Baby, I'm dancing in the dark, with you between my arms

Barefoot on the grass, listening to our favorite song

When I saw you in that dress, looking so beautiful

I don't deserve this, darling, you look perfect tonight.

 

When the song came to an end, he took his thumbs and wiped the tears from her cheeks."Baby, I love you.I will not let you go this time.I found my future with you, I know I did.I just want to continue to show you it's true.When I heard this song, we weren't even back together yet.But I knew.I knew that if I got you back, that I would never let you go again.I may not have written this song.But, I wish I did."

 

Julie didn't know what to say.She was stunned speechless.She was still taking in the words that he sang.Well, that Ed sang, but she felt it.She was also overwhelmed that he was thinking about her in the distant future.Sharing a home, and kids.Oh my god, kids.She just reacted.There was a whole room of people, but this man.He was, just, so thoughtful.So amazing.When he wasn't mucking up, he was her perfect.She stood on her toes, wrapped her arms tightly around his neck, and kissed him.Deeply.Losing herself in the moment and in the feeling.She didn't even think about his mom and his family being there.When they broke from the kiss they were both breathless, and he had leaned his forehead on hers."I love you, Harry."

 

Harry opened his eyes and saw hers still closed.Foreheads resting together.He reached up and ran his fingers along her jawline."I love you, Julie.With my whole heart."He pulled his head back and looked down at her face until she opened her eyes."You're perfect for me."

 

Julie buried herself into his chest and wrapped her arms tightly around him.Suddenly she was aware of the noise in the room and remembered where they were."Oh, shit."She mumbled into his chest.

 

Harry chuckled."It's ok, baby.I don't care who knows."He put his hand on her neck and ran it up into her hair."You're my girl. I'm your man.It's ok."He watched Ed walking up to them."As long as you don't try to run off with Ed.Then, all is good."He teased her as he reached over and shook Ed's hand."Thank you, so much, again, for letting me steal your song.I hope Cherry doesn't mind."

 

"Yeah, she's good."Ed smiled.He handed Harry a CD."This is for the two of you.Just try not to leak it before my album comes out.I'd really appreciate it."He said smiling."I'm happy for you, Harry."He looked over at Julie."I'm pretty glad he found someone that makes him feel that way.And I have to admit.The deep blush in your cheeks is pretty cute."He laughed when Julie covered her face with her hands."Thanks for letting me be a part of this.I'm going to grab a drink."He walked away towards the bar and talked to Anne and the rest of the pack he knew.

 

"Oh, my god.Ed Sheeran just said that to me.I don't know if I can ever be anymore embarrassed."Julie said holding onto Harry tightly.

 

Harry laughed and kissed her head."I think you say that every time that you're embarrassed."He said and took her hand."Ok, I'm done with the surprises.So, I think it's time we get out of here."

 

"Really?So, we just go, right after that?"Julie asked."And I have to say, maybe tonight, I am disappointed that the surprises are over.I mean, if you can top this...."

 

"Oh!That reminds me."Harry said."I do have one more surprise for you."

 

Julie groaned."Damn it, I was just joking.You're just joking too, right?"

 

"Nope, not this time."He smiled and then grabbed her hand.He took her over to say goodbye to everyone.Which took quite some time as everyone wanted to talk to them.He was getting impatient.But since this was his idea, he couldn't really complain about it.He let Julie and Amanda talk for awhile before he was finally able to whisk her away and get her in the car.

 

"I can't believe there is more than Ed."Julie said as she watched the landscape as he drove down the road."I mean, he's pretty hard to top.I think I'm still in love."

 

"Yeah, with me, and only me."Harry said reaching over and holding her hand."It won't be long until you see the last surprise.They drove a bit until they reached De Vere Cranage Estates, which was a 4-star hotel in Holmes Chapel.It was a rural retreat, on a large green estate, tucked in a peaceful corner of Cheshire.He wanted to spend tonight alone with her.He loved staying with his mum, and family, but tonight was special for him.And he just wanted to be with her.Curled up in their own little corner of the world, with no distractions.He parked, got out, walked around and opened her door for her.He took her hand and helped her out."What do you think?"

 

"It's beautiful.And it's so open.I absolutely love it."She smiled as he leaned down and kissed her.She walked around slowly while he unloaded the bag she didn't even know he packed.He checked in and then came and got her."Our room awaits."He leaned down from behind and kissed the side of her neck before breathing in her scent."I can't wait to be alone with you."

 

Julie smiled.She usually would give him a hard time about wanting sex all the time, but not tonight."I can't wait to be alone with you either."She said as she giggled.

 

"I love hearing that."Harry whispered in her ear and smiled as he felt her shiver."Let's go, my lady."He took her hand and they walked quickly to the room.They had barely shut the door when he grabbed her and pulled her to him, running his hands up her dress and over her thighs.

 

"No teasing."Julie said quickly reaching for the buttons on his jeans.She lowered them just enough to watch his erection spring out quickly.She wrapped her hand around him and looked up in his eyes."I need you, now."She said into his eyes.

 

That was all he needed to hear.He picked her up and spun her to the closest wall.He pushed her panties aside and pushed into her fully and quickly.He started moving hard and fast before she even had time to adjust to him.He heard her groan and felt her tighten her legs around his waist."Fuck, you feel so good."He mumbled into her neck as he continued to thrust hard into her.He filled her perfectly and her tightness around him always felt better than any other feeling ever.

 

"So, do you."Julie murmured quietly as she moved the hair off of her face.She then held his shoulders and tightened her legs as much as she could as he hit her hard over and over again.The guttural sounds coming from him making her climb higher and higher.Then she heard him say 'fuck, Julie', and felt him release.He kept moving and before she knew it, she was coming down from her own orgasm.She released her legs as he set her gently on the floor.

 

"Damn."He smiled down to her."I guess when you want it, I definitely oblige."He chuckled deeply."But, that's not all I want from you tonight."He moved hair behind her ear and ran his fingers over her cheekbone."I want to make love to you, slowly, over and over again."

 

Julie shivered when he said that to her so seductively."How can I turn that down?"She asked as the soft blush crept into her cheeks.

 

"I love how you can go from what we just did, to being embarrassed about me making love to you."He smiled as he pulled his boxers and pants up so he could lead her to the bed.This time, he took it slow.He knelt down and unzipped her boots and removed them slowly from her feet, making sure he ran his fingers over every part of her he had access to.He then got up and sat on the edge of the bed and reached up behind her and unzipped her favorite black dress.He had come accustomed to seeing her in it.A knee length, pure black, skater dress.He slid it down her shoulders and over her body, letting it drop to the floor.His eyes admired and wandered her body as he stood and removed his shirt.She reached out to help him, but he grabbed her hand and kissed it."Let me."He wanted to show her.Do the 'work'.He stepped out his pants and stood in front of her in his boxers.

 

He reached behind her and grabbed the clasp of her bra releasing it slowly and sliding the straps down her arms slowly.He watched as her already hardened nipples slipped from beneath the fabric and took in a breath.He licked over his lips.He couldn't wait to take one between his teeth.He looked down as he felt her hands run up his stomach and over his chest.His skin covered in goose bumps from just that touch.He ran his hand down and cupped her breast squeezing it in his hand as his other ran down and over her panties cupping her and moving his hand."I want you to scream my name from pleasure."He lifted her onto the bed and removed his boxers.He pushed her backwards as he climbed onto the bed and over her."Your body is beautiful."He whispered.

 

He took her panties and slid them slowly down her legs following them with his eyes.He wanted her to go over the edge, and he knew just the way to do it.He started by moving up and taking one of those delicious nipples into his mouth and biting it lightly while at the same time moving his fingers down and running one in circles over her bundle of nerves.He heard her moan and put more pressure on the nerves circling slowly.He kissed down her stomach and felt her hands clench onto the sheet, her stomach moving with her quick short breaths."Let me make you feel good, baby."

 

His mouth replaced his fingers over her sweet pearl, and his tongue flicked her over and over as her body jumped with pleasure.He moved between teasing circles with his tongue and sucking hard until he felt her body twist underneath him signaling him she was close to the edge.He then added two fingers inside her and moved them up against her before he added another.Just before she reached her peak, he felt her hands grab his hair and her stomach clench causing her to sit up a little before falling back with a thud."Fuck me, Harry."She had gasped, and he smirked into his doing.Shortly after, he felt her body clench around his fingers hard.He never stopped.The moans coming from her and the way her body was moving made him continue.He slowed for a second while she caught her breath, but then did it again, until she screamed his name and begged him to stop.He kissed up her stomach and found her lips.

 

"I love you, Julie.I always want you to remember who comes first in this relationship.For me, that's you.In every way."He watched her open her eyes and look into his."Hi."He said.He smiled as she reached up for his neck and pulled him into a kiss.She would never let him do that and not have him get a release, too.Even though he would have been perfectly fine with it, he didn't mind making love to her.He used his knee to nudge between her legs and without breaking the kiss pushed into her.This time moving slowly and taking his time.By the time she came one more time and he released into her, their bodies were on fire.Beads of sweat on every inch of them.He lay next to her and looked into her eyes."Let's take a cool bath together."He kissed her and sat up."You go get it started, and I'll get new linens and change the bed, so that when we're done we can fall asleep together."He smiled as she slowly got up and kissed him before walking completely naked towards the bathroom.She usually grabbed a robe or a sheet.But not this time.He smiled at the thought and went and grabbed the extra linens from the closet."Yep, I'm in love."He chuckled as he made the bed.

 


	65. Chapter 65

Harry woke up to a phone ringing.  He was so used to being called and woken for business, he groaned and ignored it.  He rolled over and pulled Julie closer to him.  Her back to his front.  When she was reaching over, he realized it was her phone ringing.  "Who's being so rude calling us this early?"

 

Julie laughed as she grabbed the phone and settled back next to Harry.  "Uh, your mom."  She said laughing.

 

Harry opened one eye and looked at her.  "What?  Seriously?"

 

"Yep, wonder why she's calling me?"  She said as she answered the phone.  "Good Morning, Anne."

 

"Good Morning, love."  Anne said cheerfully.  "I hope I didn't wake you."

 

"It's fine. Harry's being a bit grouchy, but I'm good."  Julie said laughing as Harry groaned loudly.

 

"Eh, that's ok."  Anne said laughing.  "I wanted to talk to you anyway.  I was wondering if you could help me make a traditional Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow?  I'd like to incorporate your traditions into ours.  Since you're an important part of our family now.  I've even talked Niall and Amanda into staying through tomorrow."

 

Julie was speechless.  She didn't know what to say.  To hear someone say that to her, to want to celebrate something simply because she was dating her son.  She was completely overwhelmed and felt tears filling her eyes.  She sniffled a little and cleared her throat.  "I, uh, sorry."  She chuckled lightly.  "I don't know what to say.  I mean, yes, of course, it's just, I didn't expect it.  I mean, you don't have to go through so much trouble."

 

Harry sat up and looked at the tears in Julie's eyes when he heard her sniffle.  What the hell was going on?  He put his hand on the side of her neck and looked at her.  "Is everything ok?"  He relaxed a little when she nodded her head yes, but he was still more than curious as to the full conversation going on.

 

"Oh, it's no trouble.  Please.  When you get back here today, we can go to the store, and then you can help Gemma and me, or actually Gemma and I can help you prepare the meal.  Harry raved about the meal you made him that first Thanksgiving. " Anne said quietly and kindly.

 

"I'm, I just, I'd love to.  Thank you."  Julie said.  When Anne said she would see her soon and hung up, Julie just stared at her phone.

 

"Baby, what's going on?"  Harry asked taking the phone from her and setting it aside.  He placed his fingers under her chin and lifted it so she'd look at him.  "Your tears are scaring me here."

 

"Oh, no, it's, just, your mom."  She said shaking her head.  "She wants to have a traditional Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow.  To show me I'm part of the family now.  She wants to incorporate my traditions too, so I feel like I belong."  She sniffled and shook her head.  "Things like this just don't happen to me.  She even had Niall and Amanda stay."

 

Harry smiled widely.  Both his dimples showing in full force.  Of course, his mum would do something like that.  She was the best woman he knew.  Well, she and Julie of course.  He leaned forward and kissed her lips.  "That's great.  I can't wait!"

 

Julie shook her head again as the emotions caught in her chest.  "I just, I mean, I can't believe that she would.  I mean, why?  We've only been back together for a short time, and I mean, it's just, a lot.  And I don't even know how to feel, or what to say.  It's so overwhelming.  I don't, I mean, it's just, such a big deal."  The tears were coming down her face.  "I have no idea why I'm crying."

 

Harry chuckled.  "You're rambling, and you have tears.  You're overwhelmed.  I love your rambling.  It's so cute."  He laid back and pulled her down to his chest.  "I love you, and you're a part of my life.  A huge part.  Of course, you're going to be accepted.  Of course, everyone wants to include you."

 

"Yeah, but this is a big deal.  It's huge.  And I don't even know how to deal with it."  She said tracing over the tattoos on his chest and stomach.

 

Harry sighed when she ran her fingers over his tattoos.  It had been a long time since she had done that.  He squeezed her in his arms and then loosened them again.  "It's not a huge deal. It's easy when you're trying to show someone that they are a part of the family now, when they are loved and appreciated.  And you just have to deal with the fact that my family actually likes you."

 

Julie took a deep breath to calm her tears.  "I know that you're not used to reactions like this from me.  But, do you think that MAYBE, you don't have to actually make fun of me EVERY TIME?

 

"I knew that if I said anything too deep, like I did last night, when you're already emotional then I would have gotten in even more trouble.  This is the safer way."  He kissed her lips and then slid down so that he was face to face with her, both lying on their sides.  "So, since we're going back to mum's, at least for a few days."  He ran his hand up her hip bringing her silky nightgown with his hand.  His eyes looking deeply into hers.  Their faces almost touching.  He licked over his lips and smiled at the smirk on her face.  "Is that a yes?"

 

"You are impossible to satisfy."  She said shaking her head slightly but watching his tongue as he licked over his lips.  "And I hate that I can't ever turn you down."

 

"I don't hate it.  Not even a little bit."  He said as he reached his tongue out and licked over her lips before pulling back slightly.  "Since you didn't let me tease last night, are you going to let me tease you this morning?"

 

Julie pulled her bottom lip between her teeth and pulled back a little when he went in to kiss her again.  "I don't like it when you tease."  She pulled back again when he tried.  "In fact, it annoys me."  She pushed him back and got up.  "I think I better shower. I've got a lot of things to do."  She got up out of his reach and laughed when he fell on his face on the bed.

 

"Baaaabbbbyyyyy..."  He whined pushing himself up on his elbows.

 

"Don't whine.  It's not very becoming."  She said as she reached down and grabbed the bottom of her silk nighty and pulled it up over her head in one full swoop.  Revealing her completely unclothed body.

 

"Fuck, me."  Harry said watching her back walk towards the bathroom.

 

"No, dear, that's what you're supposed to be doing to me."  She said as she glanced back over her shoulder watching him spring up from the bed.  She screeched and hurried towards the bathroom as he removed his boxers on the way to her.  She hadn't even turned on the water before he'd grabbed her and pulled her to him.  Her chest crushing against his upper stomach and ran his hands down her back, squeezing her bum.

 

"So, you can tease me?"  He growled at her looking down into her eyes.  "Not fair."

 

"I'm not teasing you, that's the difference."  She laughed.  "Like I didn't know you'd chase me.  I could have actually played much harder to get.  But we've only got so much time."  She said tapping her wrist like she had a watch on.  "So, I figured, we could shower and be together and save time."

 

"Beautiful and brilliant."  He laughed.  He kissed her nose and then turned on the water for the shower.  "You know, I could get used to you walking around naked.  I kind of like the freedom you've shown in the last 12 hours."

 

"Yeah, well, I don't know if I will ever be that comfortable with it.  But you remove my clothing whenever you get a chance so, why bother?"  She laughed.

 

"See, persistence pays off."  He said as he took her hand and helped her step into the shower.  "I love watching your body, love."  He ran his hands down the side of her face and down her neck.  "From your beautiful face."  He continued to run his hands down her body.  "To your perfect shoulders and chest.  Your amazing waist and hips.  The best ass I've ever seen, and those legs."  He kissed her lips and pulled back and smiled.  "Even your toes are perfect."

 

Julie laughed.  "Ok, this whole 'perfect' thing since last night.  I get it."  She wrapped her arms around his neck.  "It's been a roller coaster ride since the day we met.  We've struggled, we've made mistakes, we've been great together and horrible together.  We've fought, we've loved, and we've done both at the same time.  But right now, here, feels....well....perfect."  She chuckled.  "I feel calm here.  I feel like I belong here.  Sorry if I ruined your sexy time."

 

"You didn't."  He said clasping his hands behind her back.  "In fact, I think you just turned me on even more."  He moved a wet piece of hair that was stuck to her lips and then clasped his hands again behind her back.  "I know we've gone through a lot.  And maybe we needed to.  Maybe we both needed to grow and realize what we really wanted."  He smiled at her.  "And look, we're standing here, naked, talking, and I haven't just thrown you against a wall, yet."

 

Julie laughed and threw her head back laughing at the ceiling.  "I'm impressed with your self-control."

 

"Don't be.  Because it's not going to last much longer."  He chuckled.  He loved her laugh.  He loved when she didn't cower and hide and let herself be free.  Standing here with him and sharing her feelings was one of the best things ever.

 

Julie rolled her eyes but couldn't stop smiling.  "I should have known."

 

"Hey, you're the one who said we don't have a lot of time.  I just want enough time to admire your body the way it deserves to be admired."  Harry said laughing as she groaned.  "Too cheesy?"

 

"Hey, I'm from Wisconsin, we live cheese, so, if I think it's too cheesy, then you've accomplished something."  She laughed.

 

"Ha!  I have to be the top in everything."  He stepped her slightly backwards into one of the streams of water.  This shower had multiple shower heads that hit your body from all angles.  He let the water run over her hair and tilted her head back.  He bent and licked the water droplets from the front of her neck and grinned when she got goosebumps.  "Should I turn the temperature of the water up?"  He asked innocently.

 

"You know what you're doing.  Don't even play."  She said running her hands down his wet chest.  She brought her head forward and took in his body.  The muscle definition in his chest, the curve of his biceps, his narrow waist down to his thick, strong thighs.  "But, I think you're the beautiful one in this relationship."

 

He chuckled thickly.  "Well, let's just share the title then."  His large hand wrapped around the side of her neck as he bent down and flicked her nipple with his tongue.  "Sorry, but we may be late."  He said as he took her hardened nipple into his mouth.  "I'm in no hurry to be done with you."

 

Julie licked over her lips and rested her forehead on the back of his head.  "Oh, god."  She said as he slowly moved from one breast to the other.

 

"I love it when you call me that."  He said standing up straight, smirking and then catching her lips before she could respond.  He closed his eyes and moved his hands into her hair kissing her slowly, but deeply.  Their lips moving with their tongues dancing together.  Heads turning one side to the other.  His hands tightened in her hair when he felt her hand find his rock-hard length.  He groaned into her mouth as she stroked him gently, giving him just a little bit of relief.  He removed his lips from hers and sucked in a breath making a hissing sound as she stroked him a little harder.  "Fuck."

 

"I love it when I inspire such a wide range of vocabulary from you."  She laughed and put her hand on his chest pushing him over to the shower bench on at the end of the shower.  She slowly lowered him down onto it.  "Last night, you gave me so much pleasure.  So unselfishly.  Let me, today."

 

"You know that I enjoy making you feel good."  He said as his hands clenched onto the bench.  She was slowly lowering herself between his knees.  He gasped again breathlessly as she flicked the tip of him with her tongue.  "Son of a...."  He couldn't complete his thought as she took him fully into her mouth.  He released the edge of the bench and ran his hands through her hair holding it back.  The warmth of her mouth, the way she moved, made him high.  When she let him come out of her mouth and licked the length of him, he almost pouted with the lack of connection.  "Don't tease.  Please."  He begged sounding even a bit whiny to himself, but he couldn't help it.

 

He heard her giggle and then she immediately took him back into her mouth, moving faster and harder this time.  "Shit.  Holy fuck."  He said as he felt his hips rise off the bench.  "Baby, I'm gonna..."  He started to warn her, but she just moved her hand to stroke the length she couldn't take into her mouth and that led to his undoing.  He squeezed her hair tighter between his hands and released as she moved through his high.  Fuck.  She'd only continued through his release once before.  He untangled his fingers from her hair but couldn't open his eyes.  His head rested against the shower wall as his chest heaved while he caught his breath.  He opened his eyes to see her standing in the shower washing over her face and spitting out a bit of water.  "You didn't have to....."  He said to her.  But damn was that the best feeling he's had.

 

"I wanted to."  She said as she walked back over to him.  She straddled his lap and ran her hands through his hair.  "And now, I'm going to sit here, until you're ready."  She smiled at him.

 

He wrapped his arm around her waist and looked into her eyes.  "Oh, it won't be long."  He let his hands wander her body.  Slowly studying every inch.  Remembering the small things he'd picked out back in the hotel room in South Africa so long ago.  He felt her move her hips slowly after she noticed his breathing was back to normal and then felt himself twitch under her.  "See, I knew it.  You will never get any other reaction from me when you want it."  He put his hand behind her neck and pulled her lips to him for a kiss.

 

He reached between them and aligned himself at her entrance and pushed up into her.  "I love watching you move on me."  He whispered as he never looked away from her eyes.  She never looked away either.  He loved it when she had the confidence to continue the eye contact while they were making love.  His hands moved to her hips, and he helped her move over him.  It was slow and in a perfect rhythm.  It was amazing and yet torturous at the same time.  He closed his eyes when she leaned her forehead on his with her hands on each side of his neck.  "I love the way you feel."

 

"No one, could ever, make me feel the way you do."  She said quietly.  Her high was building to almost an uncomfortable level.  She leaned her head back away from him and bit her bottom lip.  His hands tried to keep their movement slow and steady, but she couldn't stand it and tried to move them faster.  "Haaarrrryyyyy."  She whined.

 

"Don't whine, baby."  He opened his eyes and watched her.  He loosened his grip on her hips and let her move at a faster pace.  He leaned her back into his arm behind her and rubbed her pearl with his other.  He felt her start to clench right after he started rubbing her.  Her moans were working him up more and more.  He felt her stomach clench and her head come back towards his.  She grabbed his wrist to stop his hand and continued to move through his high.  He pushed up into her as she came down on him a couple of more times and then released for the second time.  When she fell backwards he tightened his arms and held her.  "Good?"

 

Julie took a few deep breaths to steady herself.  "Perfect."  She said as they both laughed.  She slowly got up and pulled his hand to help him up.  They stood in the warm water and slowly helped each other clean up.  When they stepped out of the shower, Harry wrapped her in a fluffy hotel robe and rubbed her arms.  "Thank you."

 

"None, necessary."  He kissed her nose and swatted her ass as she walked out.  "I like taking care of you.  In many ways."  He wrapped a towel around his waist and went back into the room so they could get dressed.  "Sorry, if I made you late."

 

"Well, you can explain to your mom why we're late.  That's one conversation that I'm not going to have."  She said as she pulled out the clothes he'd packed for her.  Skinny jeans, t-shirt and his hoodie.  She smiled and looked over at him.  "See, this is why I love you.  You know me so well."

 

He smiled to her as he pulled out a similar outfit.  "See, we're going to be one of those couples that coordinate without trying.  Everyone will know we're together."

 

"Right."  Julie said as she finished getting dressed.  She sat down at the vanity and looked back when Harry took the brush from her hand.  He started to brush her hair gently.  She looked at him in the mirror.  "Miss the long hair?  Wanna remember what it's like to brush it?"  She teased.

 

"Something like that.  Can you just let me be cute for a little bit without knocking down my ego?"  He smiled into the mirror at her.

 

"Nope.  Not a chance."  She said picking up her lotion and slowly rubbing it into her elbows.

 

"That's my girl."  He said.  After he was done brushing her hair, they packed everything up, pulled on their hoodies and went to the car.  The ride back to his mum's was silent.  But happy.  He held her hand, and they both had smiles on their faces all the way back.  When they pulled up, he looked over at her.  "By the way, I'm not having that conversation with my mum.  So, we will just pretend we were too lazy to get up and breakfast took a while."

 

"Sure, she'll buy that."  Julie said laughing at the look on his face.  "It's ok.  We never set a time to meet.  So, I don't think I really could be late."

 

"Brat."  He said chuckling.  He opened her door and helped her out of the car before grabbing the bag.  He held her hand walking her into his mum's house.

 

"Well, I had to make sure I lived up to my reputation."  She said as she walked inside.

 

"Of course."  He said.  He looked at his mum when she walked in from the kitchen.  "Hey, mum."

 

"Well, you guys sure took your time this morning."  She said.

 

Julie laughed at the look on Harry's face.  "Yeah, we fell asleep after breakfast."  She tried to stifle her laugh.  She pushed Harry towards the stairs.  "He's going to do some laundry and stuff while we're out shopping.  Right, love?"  She asked.

 

"Yeah.  Right."  He said shaking his head.  "You girls have fun.  But, no telling stories about me while you're gone."  He warned.

 

"Oh, you're going to be the hot topic of conversation, little brother.  We've got so much to warn her about."  Gemma said grabbing the car keys and walking up to Julie and Anne.  "And I personally can't wait to tell her everything."

 

"Shut up, Gem!"  Harry scowled at her playfully.  "I think you should stay here and let mum and Julie go."

 

"Nope.  I'm going to make sure she knows every little secret.  If she wants to stick with you, she needs to know all the dirty."  Gemma said walking to the door.

 

"Muuuummmmmm..."  Harry whined.  "Tell her to stop."

 

"Oh, stop whining, Harry."  Anne said.  "Do what you're told."

 

"Oh, my god.  I'm your son. This isn't fair."  He pouted.

 

"It's ok.  I've been telling him not to whine all morning.  He'll get over it."  Julie said.  She smiled at him and winked.  "I'll see you soon."

 

"Can't wait.  Love you."  He smiled and blew a kiss at her as he started up the stairs.

 

"Oh, you two make me sick."  Gemma laughed.  "Let's go get this food shopping over with.  I hear we're going to have quite the time in the kitchen tomorrow."

 

"Well, actually, starting tonight."  Julie said laughing and walking to the car with them.  "But, I love doing it.  So I don't mind."

 

"Oh, no, we're going to help, dear.  It will be fun.  We can send the boys out of the kitchen every time they try to interrupt and have some girl time."  Anne said getting in.  "I can't wait."

 

Julie got in the backseat and smiled.  "Yeah, I can't wait either."  Family.  A new family.  It was beyond anything she could have ever dreamed of.


	66. Chapter 66

Before Gemma even put the car in park, Julie saw the door to the house swing open and Harry bound down the steps and over to the car.He opened the door for his mom and then her.He kissed her and smiled.He was a sight for sore eyes after shopping for three and a half long hours. She'd had a great time with Anne and Gemma, but shopping was still not her thing.

 

"Did you have fun, love?"Harry asked as he went to the trunk of the car and helped grab some bags."Holy hell, letting the three of you lose is not a good idea."He shook his head."Go on in, I'll bring the bags in."When Julie started to protest, he shook his head."You guys start unpacking it all.I'll get them in the house."

 

Gemma grabbed Julie's arm and pulled her towards the door."Don't argue with him when he's actually being useful.We have so much to teach you."She said as she laughed at Harry's groan.

 

"Gem, just, shut up."Harry growled walking behind them.He was ecstatic to see his sister and his mum take to Julie.He also knew that it was a bit overwhelming for his stubborn and hard-headed girlfriend.He hoped his mum and Gemma could show her what it was like to have someone other than her small family and Amanda.She deserved to be shown the love from the world.Well, at least his world.His family and his friends.He wanted them to become her family and her friends as well.After four trips to and from the car, he finally set the last of the bags in the kitchen."There, my work is done."

 

"No, it's not."Julie turned around and told him.

 

"What do you mean no it's not?I thought you weren't letting us men folk into the kitchen."He said leaning against the counter.

 

"Oh, we aren't."Julie smiled at him."But, we need dinner, because we are going to be cooking in here, the desserts and some of the salads for tomorrow.So, you're going to be grilling us some dinner."

 

"I am?"He shook his head."And who volunteered me for this?"

 

"I did."Julie said shrugging."You would never turn me down.Not when it comes to making sure your mom and sister and I are well fed."

 

Harry scrunched his eyebrows together."Yeah, so you're right."He shook his head again."So right."He watched as Julie took out the premade burgers and some cobs of corn.She pulled out some vegetables and took the cutting board from his mum."Burgers, corn, and mixed vegetables?Nice."

 

"Think you can handle throwing them on the grill and flipping them every now and again?"Julie asked cutting up some vegetables and putting them in some tinfoil with some seasoning.

 

Harry laughed as in the final tinfoil he noticed she only put in potatoes, carrots, and a little bit of broccoli."Ah, my healthy girl loves vegetables so much."

 

Julie shrugged."Hey, I'm eating carrots and broccoli.You should be happy."

 

"Thrilled."Harry said taking the tray."Ok girls, have fun.But not too much fun without me."

 

As Harry flipped the burgers for the last time and put the cheese on top of some of them, he felt arms slip around his waist from behind.He smiled and then cleared his throat."Um, excuse me.But I have a girlfriend.She may be a bit on the crazy side, so maybe this isn't such a good idea."

 

Julie laid her head against his back and groaned."I'm too tired and too hungry to deal with your smart mouth right now."

 

"Well, wait til you deal with my girlfriend's.I'm no match for her."He chuckled setting the spatula down and turning towards her wrapping his arms around her so she was snuggly settled into his side.

 

"Shut up, Harry."Julie said closing her eyes with her arms still wrapped around his waist."I had to come out here to get some fresh air.All of this is still a bit much for me to comprehend.Standing in there basically instructing your mom and sister on what to do, well, I almost started crying every 10 minutes."She admitted taking in a deep breath of his scent.

 

"Ah, my emotional girl."He kissed her head and then moved her slightly away so he could look down at her."Your family is growing, those who love you are growing, and you're just going to have to learn to deal with the emotions, because no one is going away any time soon.Or ever for that matter."

 

"Forever is a really, really long time Harry."Julie said looking up into his sparkling, happy green eyes.

 

"Ah, it is."He said."And there's nothing wrong with it."He kissed her lips and then picked the spatula back up.She stepped away from him while he took the burgers, corn, and packets of vegetables and put them on the tray to carry into the house."Thank you, for helping to make these holidays special.You know it's important this year, especially."

 

"Yeah, I know."She said sighing.Getting older was hard.Watching those you loved struggle was even harder."I hope I can help you and your family if only a little."She opened the sliding door for him to take everything to the kitchen.

 

"It smells amazing in here."Harry said to his mum and Gemma as he set the tray on the counter.

 

"It does!"Anne exclaimed with a smile on her face."All these desserts!I can't wait to try them."

 

"Well, mum.There's so much regular food, I don't think any of the desserts got touched until the next day."Harry said leaning back against the counter and pulling Julie back into him."It's nice to be here, surrounded by three of the most important women in my life."He clasped his hands in front of Julie's stomach when he felt her relax against his chest."Even though it slightly terrifies me."

 

"What?"Anne asked smiling at Harry."Why would it slightly terrify you?"

 

"I can hardly handle one of you at a time, let alone three.I don't stand a chance."He smiled as Julie shook her head.

 

"Well, you never did, bro."Gemma said as she pulled the burger rolls from the oven."Ok, I'm starved, let's eat."She placed the rolls on a platter and set them next to the burgers.

 

Harry, Julie, his mum, Robin, Gemma and Gemma's boyfriend Michal, all sat around the table eating dinner.It was nice to have everyone there.Harry especially liked that fact that he got to sit at the table with the woman he was in love with.He'd had many a-dinners with the other two couples while he had been alone.This was better.When he finished eating, he put his arm around the back of Julie's chair and leaned back in his.He watched the interactions between every one and then leaned over and whispered in Julie's ear."So, how does it feel?"

 

Julie looked over into Harry's happy eyes."Only thing better is if Panda and Niall were here.Maybe my small family.But I don't think my mom will ever get on an airplane across the ocean."

 

"You should have told me.We could have had Niall and Amanda come."Harry said moving a piece of hair from her forehead.

 

"I didn't want to be any trouble.I just, I don't know."Julie shrugged.

 

Anne reached across the table and put her hand over Julie's."You're never any trouble.All you have to do is ask.Call them and ask them if they'd like to come early tomorrow, and Amanda can help us, and we'll send Niall off with the boys.Please, it would be our pleasure."

 

Julie took a deep breath and then closed her eyes as the tears started to fill them again."Ok, I just can't seem to control this tonight."She picked up her napkin and dabbed at her tears."Excuse me for a few minutes, ok?"She got up and put her hand on Harry's shoulder when he went to get up."I'm ok.I will be right back."She kissed his forehead and then went upstairs and into the bathroom.She took a few deep steadying breaths and splashed some water on her face.She grabbed her phone and sat on the edge of the bed and called Panda.

 

Amanda looked at Niall who was sitting on the couch of their hotel room writing and strumming his guitar."It's JJ, babe, I'm going to take it on the balcony, ok?"She smiled when Niall nodded and went outside."Hey JJ.What's up?"

 

"Did you know about Harry's surprise last night?And did you know his family was going to continue to make me cry through today?Because if you did, I'm really mad at you."Julie said trying to remove the emotion from her voice.

 

Amanda laughed."Well, JJ, I knew that Niall and I were coming.That was the extent of it.But I did not know about Ed, and I certainly know nothing of them making you cry."

 

"But, you did know they were going to do a traditional Thanksgiving meal for me tomorrow because you and Niall agreed to stay."Julie questioned, or basically told Amanda.

 

"We found out after you and Harry left last night, yes."Amanda said amusement clouding her voice.

 

"Well, why didn't you warn me?I've been a blubbering mess all day now.From this morning when Anne called."Julie sighed into the phone.

 

"Oh, JJ.Sometimes I wonder what I'm going to do with you."Amanda shook her head.She sat on a chair and put her feet up on the railing."Why don't you just accept the love, and stop worrying about it.Stop thinking it's too much.It's an amazing gesture welcoming you back into the family."

 

"I know that.And they are the best people I know.But I'm afraid I'm going to screw it up.I always screw it up."Julie fell onto the bed on her back staring up at the ceiling.

 

"No, you don't."Amanda replied sternly."Stop that.Seriously.You're happy, Harry's happy, his family is happy, and wants to include you, JJ, what's the prob...."Amanda stopped without finishing her sentence."Happy.You're scared of feeling happy.You are going to have to get over that fear, JJ."

 

"How?Every, single, time, Amanda.Every time I feel happy something goes wrong.And I'm starting to freak out a little bit.Things are TOO GOOD, TOO QUICK.Even after Harry and I hashed it out on our way up here."Julie sighed."Seriously.What is going to come crashing down around me, and when?Can we just hurry it up so I don't have to worry about it anymore?"

 

"Ok, first, happy is expected.It shouldn't be unexpected.I understand, as I did before, how you think things are always meant to go wrong.But it's not always the same, JJ."Amanda advised.She looked out over the city."And what do you mean you hashed it out with Harry on the way there?"

 

"I pretty much gave him hell for Kendall."Julie sighed again."For how he handled her after she sent the press after Johnny."

 

"Ok, you need to explain that a little bit more."Amanda said getting up and going inside to grab something to drink.She smiled at Niall again and then went back to the balcony.

 

"He, well, he basically forgave her.Even before he left that day.You know, the day he supposedly set her in her place?"Julie explained picking a spot on the ceiling and focusing on it so she didn't get upset.

 

"Yeah, he forgave her?How?What's that mean?"Amanda questioned.She took a drink and then leaned back again.

 

"She told him she was wrong and asked him if he'd forgive her.So, he forgave her.He says that afterwards he told her that she was no longer welcome in his life.But really?To forgive her that quickly for basically announcing to the world who Johnny was?Even if it was all a bunch of bullshit?I mean, Harry's kind to everyone, I get that.But he could have at least been pissed off for a while."Julie said quietly."I mean, what she did, what she's always tried to do.And doing it because she thought if Johnny was involved I'd give up Harry?Maybe?I don't know.But why would she even care?She's so much better than I am, in everything...."Julie started but got interrupted.

 

"Shut your mouth!"Amanda said loudly into the phone."Don't fucking talk like that.She was born into a family who does anything for fame and money.Yes, I get they are smart business women and know how to get things done, but that does not make her better than you.Damn it, JJ.If Harry heard you talk like that...."Amanda said a bit angrily.

 

"But, he's not hearing me.You are."Julie took a deep breath and let it out slowly."She has options and people who fall at her feet.She's a top model and sought after by a lot of different people.She's every guy's dream."

 

"No, not every guy.You're Harry's, I'm Niall's."Amanda sighed this time."Yes, it's hard to admit sometimes that I got so lucky.It's hard to think that Niall chose me out of everyone else in the world.Over all of the people he's met that seem more together, who are successful and who seem to fit more into his world than I do, but he loves me.Just like Harry loves you."

 

"Yeah."Julie said.She wouldn't get anywhere arguing with Amanda.

 

"Convincing."Amanda said shaking her head even though JJ couldn't see her."You, just need to remember who you are, be you, and when you're you, you can be happy.Harry or no Harry.I think you are happiest with him.But he's only part of it.Believe in yourself.Believe in your abilities, believe in your talent.I know it's not always easy.And since you have a hard time doing it, I'll believe in it for you until you can.But right now, don't doubt Harry's love for you.Whether or not he forgives Kendall, and trust me I don't think he should have either, has no bearing on your relationship.Has nothing to do with how much he loves you."

 

"I knew I'd get a proper lecture from you if I called and talked to you about everything."Julie gave in."I get what you're saying. I just can't seem to accept it completely.It just doesn't seem real to me.I'm a bit cold, I'm really sassy, I have smart mouth, I barely accept anything anyone says about me, unless it's bad.I have no self-confidence.I'm not as strong as you make me out to be.I'm scared and frustrated 99 percent of the time.I don't know what I want to ultimately do with my life, and I am competing with super models at every turn.It seems like a badly written movie script."

 

"Oh, JJ.You need to stop.You're not competing with anyone.Except for yourself."Amanda looked up at Niall as he walked out onto the balcony."You are strong, you are amazing, and you are loved.And I will keep saying it to you over, and over and over again until it is the only thing you believe.If the bad can be programmed into your brain so you believe it, so can the good."She leaned against Niall's side when he sat on the arm of the chair next to her.

 

"Yeah, maybe.Doesn't seem as easy though."Julie sighed in defeat."Ok, well can you come early tomorrow morning?Help us girls in the kitchen while the boys play?I mentioned tonight how it could have only been better if you and Niall were here, and they insist if that's what I want then that's what I should ask for."

 

"Well, I mean, thanks for putting it that way."Amanda laughed."Feels so inviting."

 

"Fine.I'd really like you to be here while we do this, because I feel like I'm losing my mind, and I really need someone who knows my crazy enough to help me through it.Because if I cry through one more day, all day, then I really feel like you're going to have to commit me into an insane asylum."Julie spit out quickly.

 

Amanda couldn't help but laugh harder."Yeah, that's more like it.We'll be there early tomorrow.I'll bring Starbucks.Text me what everyone wants."

 

"Yeah, sure I'll ask later."Julie said."Thanks, Panda.I really don't know what I'd do without you."

 

"You'd be in that insane asylum already.Stop worrying, be happy, and I will see you in the morning."Amanda said hanging up the phone and looking up at Niall."That girl."

 

Niall laughed and looked down into Amanda's eyes."You wouldn't expect anything less, would you?"

 

"No, probably not.But, I have a question, I wasn't going to ask, but now I just want to."Amanda said laughing."Am I the only one who thought that Harry was going to propose to JJ last night?"

 

Niall shook his head."Oh, Amanda.You know.I think I'm going to write a song called that, 'Oh Amanda', has a nice ring to it.And I do say it a lot."He stood and pulled her up by the hand."Harry knows her way too well.Hell, I know her too well.It's too soon.Even if he's thought about it, which I have no idea if he has or not, because we have not talked about it.He would know it would be too soon for her."

 

"You think so?You don't think that him wanting to spend the rest of his life with her might make her actually accept that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her?"Amanda questioned holding Niall's hand and following him inside.He was walking backwards pulling her towards him.

 

"Any normal girl, I'd say probably.But JJ, no.She'd probably analyze it and think that he was asking because he was afraid she wasn't really in the relationship because there's no way he could be ready for it."Niall pulled her towards the bed and sat on the edge of it positioning her between his knees.He ran his hands up her shirt and over her stomach."How about we distract you, and you can worry about her tomorrow when you see her."He said as he leaned forward and placed light kisses on her stomach."I mean, I'm all for working hard to distract you."

 

Amanda laughed and then shivered as his light kisses gave her goosebumps."Oh, Niall, your sacrifices for my well being are amazing."

 

"Aren't they though?"Niall smiled up at her."I mean, anything for you, babe."He laughed at her face and then reached up and pulled her down for a kiss.He slid his tongue between her lips and deepened the kiss.When she straddled his lap, he lifted her shirt above her head and off threw it to the side.He unclasped her bra and did the same."My beautiful fiancé."His eyes wandered slowly over her chest before he took a nipple into his mouth.

 

Amanda groaned as he nipped and tugged at her nipple.They made love often, but the feeling seemed to grow every time.She moved her hips lightly over his lap as she felt his pants tighten underneath her."I love that even more every time you say it."She reached down and pulled his shirt over his head and then stood up.She pulled him up and unbuttoned his pants pulling them down and off with his boxers.She lay back on the bed when he spun her around and pushed her down gently.

 

Niall bit his lip as his eyes wandered her body again pulling the rest of her clothes from her body.He climbed up over her and between her knees."Just wait until I can call you my wife."He said before he captured her lips with his and pushed into her at the same time.

 

"Oh, god."Amanda gasped as he said that and pushed into her.That word.She could have exploded right then and there.But instead, they made love slowly and passionately again and again.

 

Julie stared at the ceiling for a little while longer before she got up and went back downstairs.Everything was cleaned up from dinner and from the dessert making earlier.She saw the deck light on and walked outside to see everyone sitting in the garden.It was a beautiful clear night, which she deduced wasn't a very common thing over here as most of the time she saw clouds.But tonight, the moon was brilliantly bright, and you could see a massive amount of stars.She saw wine glasses littered all over the table and walked towards Harry.He had a red and a white in front of him.She knew the white was hers.She picked it up and took a sip as he gently pulled her onto his lap.

 

"Hey baby.You ok?"He asked her curiously."You were gone a long time."

 

"Yeah, I was talking to Panda.She said that she and Niall will be here early, and she would bring Starbucks for everyone, so I need to know what everyone wants, so I can text her."Julie replied as Harry took her wine glass and set it back on the table.

 

"Ok, I know what everyone normally drinks. We can text it to her later."Harry said nuzzling his face in her hair.He wrapped his arms tighter around her when she cuddled into his chest."We were just talking about how amazing tomorrow's dinner is going to be.We've never celebrated quite like this over here.And never a traditional American Thanksgiving."

 

"Well, it's my favorite meal of the year, so I'm really grateful to be able to celebrate it this year."Julie said as the tears formed in her eyes again.She didn't pick her head up from Harry's chest though, so no one would be able to tell."I can't wait."

 

"I'm so glad."Harry said rubbing her back."I'm so happy to have my family together right now.I don't get to do this nearly enough.And right now, everything is so special."

 

Anne smiled."There is nothing better to this mum, than to have her children home and happy.And to welcome those they love into our family as well.Believe me, you guys aren't the only blessed ones."She reached over and held Robin's hand."Seeing everyone here, in our home, and being able to share all the love.We couldn't ask for anything better."

 

"How about one toast, before we head to bed."Gemma said reaching for her glass.All six raised their glasses as Gemma continued."To family, those old, and new, and to love, the one thing that everyone needs in their lives."The glasses clinked together lightly and every one took a drink before calling it a night.

 

Harry climbed into bed next to Julie after they had cleaned up.He turned out the lamp and then pulled her to him."Are you sure you're ok?"

 

"Yes, I'm good."She curled up to him and rested her arm across his stomach."A bit overwhelmed with feeling, but I've been told that's a good thing."She closed her eyes and relaxed into him."Good night, Harry, I love you."

 

"It is a good thing, love."He kissed her lips and then settled down next to her.He watched her as she laid her arm over his stomach and closed her eyes."Good night, Julie, I love you, too."He closed his eyes.He couldn't wait until tomorrow.He was super excited to share Julie's American tradition with his family.It was like a confirmation of sorts.Combining his new love with his family love.He fell asleep a short time later with a soft smile remaining on his face.


	67. Chapter 67

The next morning, Julie couldn't sleep so she got up early.  She figured she could get the stuffing started and the turkey cleaned before anyone else got up and make it easier.  She slipped silently out of bed and washed up.  She pulled her hair back and made her way downstairs.  Once there, she pulled the turkey out of the fridge and put it in the sink, to make sure it was completely thawed.  Afterwards she found herself looking out of the window a lot and not doing the prep as fast as she initially wanted.  Holmes Chapel was so peaceful.  She made herself a cup of coffee and wandered to the patio door.  While leaning against the door frame, she watched out over the garden.  Such a calm and relaxing place.  She could see herself living somewhere like this in the future.  Out of the hustle and bustle of the big cities.  LA was overwhelming to the senses to say the least.

 

LA had been what she needed at the time.  A big city where she was easily able to lose herself in the people.  One where it had been harder to find her.  But now, it wasn't as important.  She felt she could live in a place that was less chaotic and not have to worry about being found.  In fact, now that she was back with Harry and everyone knew about her, it would probably be easier to be out of the big city.  But, Harry needed the city.  He needed LA and New York and London for his career.  They were the hot beds for the music scene and she had to face facts, he would probably get bored really quickly without all of that.  Maybe they could have two different places.  One in a city and one outside, like here.  Where they could forget he was a hot superstar musician and just be her sweet, charming, kind and compassionate Harry.  The one she referred to as 'My Harry' all the time.

 

She shook her head to get out of her daydream and sighed.  Taking another sip of her coffee, she looked out over the yard one more time and then turned to go back into the kitchen.  She was thinking a lot of crazy thoughts lately.  Thoughts that scared her when she realized it.  She had just gotten back together with Harry, and she found herself thinking about the future, often.  Maybe she should start to look somewhere else to live.  She had set her mind to it before, but she'd still remained at Niall's.  She had made a small amount of money from JoJo's songs.  Especially the two singles she had released so far, so maybe she could find something outside of LA.  Julie pulled the unsliced bread from the bread box and started breaking it up into small pieces.  Homemade stuffing was part of the lure of Thanksgiving dinner.  There was just something about it that brought everything together.  She melted a stick of butter and poured it over the bread with the celery and little bit of onion she had chopped.  Then she sprinkled in the sage and washed her hands.  The best way to mix the stuffing was to get in there and get your hands dirty.  She added a bit of water and worked the stuffing until it was just moist enough.  Once she tasted it, she decided to add a little more sage and then an egg.

 

Julie smiled when it was complete.  She had refused to prepare a Thanksgiving dinner or even participate in one last year.  It had been just shy of three months after Harry had ended things.  She had not been in a thankful type of mood.  She locked herself in her room with nothing but snack foods and water, and didn't come out for the whole day.  So now, Julie was really looking forward to this dinner.  She had her fingers crossed that things would go well, without any stress.  Everyone deserved to have a nice, peaceful day.  She pulled the turkey out of the sink and made sure it was clean.  Then it was time to stuff the turkey and put the remaining stuffing in a dish that could bake on its own.  Putting the turkey in the roasting pan, she covered it in butter, covered it in tin foil, and once the oven was preheated, she put it in.  She liked to cook it at a little lower of a temperature for a little longer as it was juicier and tasted better that way.  Lastly she set the timer and washed her hands again.

 

Julie yawned and then laughed.  Leave it to her to get tired again after she'd done all that, and when everyone else would be starting to get up.  They had made enough food last night where she had a couple of hours before the next dish had to be started.  So, she slowly climbed the stairs and went back into Harry's room, lifted the covers and climbed in beside him.  He was still sound asleep.  He was lying on his side with his back towards her cuddled in the comforter.  He always slept shirtless, so Julie pressed her front to his back and wrapped her arm around him, placing her cold hand on his warm skin.  She giggled when he jumped and swore.

 

"Fuck!"  Harry swore grabbing her hand and holding it in his away from his stomach.  "Why are your hands so cold?"  He turned over and lay facing her pulling her into his chest.  "You're freezing.  Did I steal the covers again?"  He asked yawning and burying his face in her hair.

 

"I went down and started the turkey.  I think it's colder outside today. There's a bit of a chill in the air."  Julie advised curling up into his body and letting him wrap her tighter in the comforter.

 

Harry picked his head up and looked over her at the clock.  "It's only 8 am.  How early did you get up if the turkey is already started?"

 

"I was up at 5:45. I couldn't sleep.  Not sure why.  So, I figured I'd get it in the oven early, so we could eat early enough without having to worry.  Plus, I like it when it cooks slow.  But now, I'm tired."  Julie stuck her leg in between his and held him tightly.

 

"Oh, so what do you expect me to do?  Just lie here and hold you so that you can sleep?"  He asked.  When she nodded her head, he chuckled.  "Well, good thing, because that's exactly what I was going to do."

 

Harry woke up and looked at the clock, just after 9.  He kissed Julie's head as she was still asleep and made sure she was cuddled into the comforter completely.  Once he got up, she would feel his absence and get up.  He had learned that if he snuggled her tightly in the blanket, it took her longer to wake.  He used the bathroom, washed up, and then made his way downstairs.  "Morning, mum."  He said as he sat down at the counter.

 

"Morning, love."  Anne said smiling.  "Would you like some tea?"  When Harry nodded, she grabbed a tea cup and poured the hot water, adding his favorite tea bag.  "The kitchen smells amazing already.  I spied the turkey in the oven."

 

"Yeah, Julie was up before 6 and decided to start the turkey.  She fell back asleep a little after 8."  He advised taking the tea cup and saucer in front of him.

 

"I would have helped her."  Anne said sitting down next to Harry.  She reached out and covered his hand with hers.

 

"Oh, I know mum.  That girl's mind is always working at warp speed.  When she can't calm it, she can't sleep; when she can't sleep, cooking helps keep at least part of her mind from her thoughts."  Harry smiled at his mum and then leaned over and kissed her cheek.  "She's still as complicated as ever."

 

Anne smiled and then lifted her tea cup to her mouth with both hands.  "I don't think so, at least not to you.  You seem to understand her pretty well.  Makes me think that maybe she isn't as complicated as everyone makes her out to be."

 

"Shhhh...."  Harry said as he chuckled into his tea.  "Don't tell her that.  She seems to think she is.  And doesn't think anyone could possibly understand her, because she confuses herself.  But, she's not difficult.  She's just hard on herself.  And once you realize that, she's pretty easy to take.  Well, that and if you can handle her smart mouth."

 

Anne laughed as she set her cup down.  "Well, seems like you enjoy her smart mouth.  Things seem to be going pretty well.  Even if you've had some issues more recently."

 

"Yeah, I think she's funny when she's sassy.  I like it when she gives me a hard time.  I'm not sure why exactly, just seems right.  Even when she's completely deflating my ego, I enjoy it.  Guess she just keeps me in check.  She's not impressed with who I know, or what I do, or my status.  Well, except maybe Ed.  She may be impressed I'm friends with Ed."  Harry nodded as he talked to his mum.  He hadn't really had a conversation like this with anyone.  Explaining Julie and what he loved about her.  Everyone who didn't know her saw her tough exterior and didn't know her heart.  His mum was starting to see her for who she really was, not the girl she was made to be by Johnny.  Julie still had her wall.  She still put it up, especially when things went awry.  However, with Harry, she showed a lot more.  She showed her fear, her vulnerability, her heart, her soul.  He was determined not to take advantage of that again.

 

"Loving someone is one of the hardest things you'll ever do."  Anne said turning and looking straight at Harry.  "You can't just love them through the good times. You have to love them through the bad.  You have to accept their flaws along with everything else.  Those you love the most can also be the ones that annoy you the most.  But it's being able to accept all of that ̶ that makes love work.  You can't expect anyone to be perfect, but when their flaws are perfect for you, then you know.  You have always had the biggest heart, Harry, and I always said that the woman you fall in love with would be very lucky.  But don't forget that you still have to work on it."

 

"Oh, I know, mum.  Thank you."  He responded smiling at her.  Harry didn't know what he would do if he didn't have a mum like her.  She was always so kind, caring, and supportive, and she'd been the one to teach him all of those things.  He would not be the person he was today if it hadn't been for this amazing woman sitting in front of him.  "She's a lot of work.  But she's worth it.  But the thing is, it's not work being with her.  The hardest part about our relationship is showing her, or making her believe, that she's worth it.  She never gives herself enough credit.  She thanks me constantly for everything that I do for her, but she won't take any credit for the things she does for me.  She always says it's nothing, and I shouldn't worry about it.  What she needs to realize is, maybe the things I do seem big and grandiose compared to what she does, but the way she thinks, the way she gives gifts that have so much meaning, so much thought and love behind them, they show how big her heart is, how kind and caring she is.  She just will never know how much that means.  Our first Christmas together, that G that she gave me, couldn't have meant more to me.  It was such an important part of her life.  And she shared that with me.  It's like she was giving me a part of her past, a part of her life.  She will never understand how much that meant."

 

Anne smiled as she listened to Harry talk.  They hadn't really talked like this about Julie.  Not in this much detail.  She knew how much Harry loved Julie.  From the first time he'd brought her here, Anne could see it.  She was just as shocked as anyone when he came home and told her that he had broken up with Julie.  Anne had listened to him a few times when he was having a hard time the year they'd been apart.  But he'd never completely opened up to her.  She'd gone on the New Year's holiday with him, on that yacht.  She had even asked him if he was sure before they went.  He was young.  He made mistakes, and all she could do was guide him and be there for him when she could.  He had realized that it had been a mistake before they even left the Caribbean.  She could see that, but he hadn't been ready to admit it yet.  "No one can promise forever.  No one can tell what the future holds.  But as long as you continue to work on things, as long as you fight things out together instead of walking away,  you can make it work.  Fighting, as hard as it is, means you care.  If you stop fighting, if you stop caring what the other person thinks,  that's when you lose what you've fought so hard to get.  Or in your case, get back."

 

Harry nodded again.  "Yeah, I guess I can see that."  He looked at her.  "Thanks mum, again, for everything.  For understanding, for seeing me through the first time Julie and I were together, when we weren't together, and thank you for accepting her back into my life again like she never left."

 

"Anyone you love, Harry, will always be a part of this family.  Especially if she makes you smile like you do when you're looking at her.  Especially when your eyes light up the way they do when she sasses you.  Especially when I watch you look for her in a crowded room just so you can make sure she's ok."  Anne said getting up and refilling her tea cup.

 

"Oh, you saw that?"  Harry said blushing slightly.  The other night, even though they were working the room separate sometimes, he needed to make sure she was doing ok.  That she wasn't overwhelmed or ready to run.  Every time he found her though, she was calm and chatting to someone new.

 

"Of course, I did."  Anne said putting the tea kettle back on the stove.  "It's a mum's job to observe.  I observe everything."

 

"Well, I just wanted to make sure that the crowd wasn't too much for her.  But, it didn't seem to be.  I'm glad she seems to be comfortable around my family and friends."  Harry said standing up.  He took his tea cup to the sink and then turned and looked up the stairs.  Julie was walking down them slowly, yawning as she descended the steps.  "Good morning, again, sleeping beauty."  He smiled and then laughed as her eyebrows scrunched up.

 

"Ugh, shush."  Julie responded walking into the kitchen.  "I don't know what I was thinking getting up at 5:45."  She walked over and started making another cup of coffee.  She would have offered to make Anne and Harry one, but she saw they had tea.  Yeah, tea wasn't going to cut it for her this morning.  When the coffee was done, she turned around and leaned against the counter.

 

"You should have waited sweetheart; we would have helped."  Anne said smiling at Julie.

 

"Oh, I know.  I just couldn't sleep.  Figured if I got the turkey in early, it could cook slow and low, so that it was perfect.  It wasn't that difficult.  I just made the stuffing, cleaned and stuffed the turkey, and then put it in the oven.  We can baste it when the timer goes off and then start the other things."  She looked over at the clock.  "Panda and Niall should be here soon. I think she told me 10-10:30."

 

"Do we need to start cooking the rest right away?"  Anne asked.

 

"Well, usually I will start making some of the salads, and cut up the fruit.  Things that can be done ahead of time.  Everything that's not hot, or can be prepped to put in the oven.  Also, I usually peel the potatoes and stick them in water for the homemade mashed potatoes and then start boiling them later.  I made a list."  Julie said as the blush started to work its way into her cheeks.  "Sorry, I'm rambling.  It's not difficult. Sometimes it just takes some time.  Guess I'm a little nervous bringing this over here.  I've only done this once before myself."

 

"And it was brilliant, love.  The food was amazing.  Don't doubt it."  Harry said walking over and giving her a kiss.  "I hear a car, bet it's Niall and Amanda.  I'll let them in and then disappear for awhile to shower and get ready.  Leave you women to what you do best."  He yelped when he felt a pinch to his stomach.  "Ouch!  Hey!  That wasn't nice!"

 

"Well, did you seriously say, 'leave you women to what you do best'?  As we're in a kitchen cooking?  If that's not the most chauvinistic, bull...."  Julie was stopped mid-sentence when Harry's lips captured hers again. and he kissed her a couple of times.

 

"Yes, yes, yes, I know."  Harry responded kissing her once more.  "I was just teasing.  Now, get to work."  He smirked at her and then started walking out of the room.  He put his hand on his behind when he felt a smack to it.  "Hey!"  He yelped spinning and seeing his mum twisting the towel up again.  "Mum!  What did you do that for?"

 

"I taught you better than that, mister.  You better keep on walking, or I'm going to smack your bum with this towel again."  Anne said laughing as Harry hurried from the kitchen.  "That boy.  I swear, sometimes his mouth gets him in a lot of trouble."

 

"Yeah, guess that's where we have a lot in common."  Julie said finishing her coffee and rinsing the mug.  "Ok, I'm going to baste the turkey, and then I'm going to start making some of the pasta for the different pasta salads.  Since they're cold, I think that would be best to do.  Would you like to help?"

 

Anne smiled.  "Yes, of course."  She went to the cupboard and pulled out the different pastas Julie'd had them buy yesterday.  She put on a pot of water and followed the instructions she was given.  When Julie set the list down, Anne talked to her about what the plan of action would be.  Seemed Julie had a knack for organization.  Especially in the kitchen.

 

Julie looked up from the list when she heard the door shut and Niall and Panda.  She smiled when Panda walked into the kitchen with Starbucks.  "Ooooooh, that better be cinnamon."

 

"No way I wouldn't get you that."  Amanda said teasingly.  "Of course, it's cinnamon.  I didn't feel like getting kicked out before being able to eat."  She set the carry tray on the counter and handed Anne her tea.  "So, are we doing the same dinner as we did two years ago?"

 

"Yes, basically.  A couple of different salads, but more or less the same.  Tell me you remember what you did best."  Julie said.

 

"Yes, watch you. I was very good at that."  Amanda replied, grinning.  "I think I can manage.  Just pick something from the list right?"

 

"Yes, sounds good to me."  Julie replied.  She started making some of the salads.  Soon after, Gemma came down the stairs and jumped in to help after she'd had some coffee.  It was a lot of fun, this community of women.  They laughed and made a mess, and they cleaned the mess and started over again.  The whole house smelled amazing.  After hours in the kitchen and a meal that was almost complete, Julie excused herself from the kitchen to go take a shower and get ready.  She was hot and sweaty and definitely didn't feel fresh enough to sit at a dinner table with every member of her boyfriend's family.  By the time she was done, everyone was standing around with a glass of wine or a beer.  She walked up and before Harry could hand her a glass of wine, Niall did.  She smiled as she took the glass, and let Niall kiss her on the cheek.  "Hey, thanks for bringing Panda, and thanks for staying for this.  It means a lot."

 

Niall smiled and put his arm around Julie's shoulder.  "Of course, I'd do anything for my side chick."  He teased.  He received a swat from Amanda and a glare from Harry, but he didn't care.  "I mean, I do love you too, after all."  He said.

 

"Well, for a sugar daddy, you aren't so bad yourself.  I mean, I do like my house and all."  Julie teased back.  "I mean, while we're talking about it though, I think I may need some updates to my living arrangements."

 

"Damn, such a demanding side-chick.  Since my fiancé knows about you, you can't really blackmail me.  Cuz, well, she knows, and she doesn't care."  Niall said shrugging.  "So, sorry."

 

"Fine, I'll just talk to your fiancé about it.  She's a better sugar mama anyway."  Julie said sticking her tongue out at Niall and then going over to Amanda.  "Panda, I know you'll treat me better."

 

"Damn straight."  Amanda said putting her head on Julie's shoulder.  "Anything you want beautiful, you know it."

 

Harry shook his head.  "I hate you all, so much."  He said.  "Mum, don't listen to these three.  Sometimes I wonder where they came from."

 

"Hey!"  Julie said at the same time as Amanda and Niall.  "You're just jealous and wish you could be as cool as us."

 

"Right, that's it exactly."  He reached out and grabbed Julie's hand pulling her to him.  "I'm the only sugar daddy you need, love.  Remember that.  You can only call me 'Daddy'."  He stopped and thought about what he just said.  "Oh, for fuck's sake, that's not what I meant at all."  He glanced at his mum and felt the blush in his cheeks.  "I'm sorry, mum. I didn't mean it like that."  He looked around at all the bemused looks.  "Oh, just shut up, all of you."

 

"We haven't said anything, love."  Julie smirked, looking up at him.  "You've done it all yourself.  And, just so everyone knows.  I've never once called him 'Daddy'."  She laughed as she was swatted lightly in the bum by Harry.

 

Harry shook his head at Julie and then leaned down and whispered in her ear.  "Maybe we should try it.  I bet you I could get you to call me 'Daddy'."  He laughed lightly when she groaned.  "Don't tempt me, love.  I love a challenge."

 

Julie turned towards him and tapped her finger on his lips.  "You want to use those on me, or anything else."  She pointedly glanced at his zipper and back up to his eyes.  "You better shut your mouth now."

 

Harry smirked at her and nodded.  "Ok, for now, but later, it's game on."  He took her hand and walked her to the table which everyone was starting to make their way to.  He pulled out Julie's chair.

 

"I've gotta get the food from the kitchen, Harry."  Julie said to him.

 

"No, you sit."  He gestured over towards everyone else.  Robin was helping Anne into her chair, Michal was helping Gemma, and Niall pulled out Amanda's chair.  "We will serve the food, since all of you made this feast."

 

Julie sat and gave him a side eye.  "You're just trying to make up for your comment earlier.  Don't think I'm not on to you."

 

"Shut up, I am not."  He leaned down and kissed her lips, resting one hand on the table and one on the back of her chair.  "I'm grateful for everything.  You've done enough. We can do this for you guys.  And, we'll clean up, too."  He kissed her forehead and went towards the kitchen.

 

Julie cleared her throat when he left and grabbed her napkin and put it on her lap concentrating on making it straighter than she needed it to be.  She really was trying not to cry.  She was kind of over the tears she'd shed the past couple of days.  She looked up when she felt someone take her hand.

 

Amanda smiled as she took Julie's hand.  "Get used to it.  He loves you, they love us.  All of us.  You can let it happen."

 

"I know.  It's just.  Sometimes I still can't believe I found someone who wants to do so much for me, when I'm used to the opposite.  Cooking, serving, eating last, cleaning up."  Julie admitted.

 

"Well, that's not happening, ever again."  Harry countered as he set the turkey in the middle of the table.  "We're in this together.  Equally."  He and the other guys made a couple of more trips to the kitchen, and then he sat down between Julie and his mum.

 

Everyone held hands and said a simple statement of thanks, and then they applied themselves to all the food before them.  Conversation was light and plentiful, and everyone was having a great time.  Julie found herself observing a lot and feeling that overwhelming feeling in her heart again.  This is how it should be.  This felt right.  It took them over an hour and a half at the table before everyone tapped out.  After dinner, they all went out to the garden for an after-dinner drink.  After a short time, the men excused themselves to go clean up.  The day went as well as one could have expected.  What an amazing day, with an amazing family.

 

Thank y'all so much!!  I hope everyone is still enjoying....

Say hi, if you haven't in awhile!!  Any feedback or suggestions welcome! 😘


	68. Chapter 68

The next couple of months were spent in London and Holmes Chapel.  It didn't take much for Harry to convince Julie to spend time, especially the holiday, hiding out with family and friends over there.  Christmas and New Years were low key and quiet, and Harry noticed how much Julie enjoyed that.  His public life was always chaotic.  And he enjoyed it.  That was him.  That was his career.  But when he wasn't performing, or doing promo, or working on a movie,  he also enjoyed the quiet private time.  Having someone at home waiting for him was, once again, something he never knew he needed, or wanted.  Julie definitely didn't want anything to do with that part of his life.  Ok, well, that wasn't exactly true.  She supported him, was proud, listened to everything he had to say about it.  Probably more than once.  She loved to sit and listen to him sing.  She told him more than once it wasn't fair, because she couldn't be productive on her writing when all she wanted to do was sit and listen to his beautiful voice.  Yeah, he was still getting used to compliments like that from her.

 

He chuckled as he finished making their sandwiches.  They had just come back to LA a couple of days ago.  He was going to work on the final touches of his album, work with his team about release dates and promo, and then the plans that follow.  He also was going to shore up the Dunkirk promo schedule.  All before helping Niall and Amanda finalize some last minute wedding things here in LA before jetting off to Ireland for that celebration.  Ok, so it was still his time off, but seemed everyone was really busy.  He carried his special chicken salad sandwiches into the living room, one with tomatoes and one without, and set them down on the table in front of Julie.  He would never make the mistake of adding tomatoes to anything he made for her.  He chuckled at her complete disdain for them.  She was sitting on the couch, legs pulled up writing in her notebook.  She was working on her novel.  Her novel, he repeated in his head.  Crazy.  Julie wouldn't even show him her writing, and now she was working on a novel.  He was amazed how she sat with that notebook and wrote it all out by hand.  She then took it and typed it into her laptop.  She said she perfected it as she retyped it.  She let him have a few peeks at it, but he didn't press her too much.  He wanted her to have the freedom to write what and how she wanted without worrying about what he thought.  It seemed to be a fictional story about her real-life experiences.  What he'd read he found to be moving and emotional.  She definitely knew how to bring the reader in and hook them.  He laughed, he cried, and he wanted to punch something all in about a chapter or two.

 

He sat down next to her and pulled the notebook down a little.  "Hi."  He chuckled when she lifted her eyes surprised he was there.  "Yeah, lost in your words again, I see."  He sat up and motioned towards the table.  "I made lunch.  It's almost 2 o'clock, and I assumed you didn't eat since I walked into the house and you never even noticed me."

 

Julie smiled and closed her pen in her notebook.  "Uh, yeah, guess so, sorry."  She leaned over and kissed him when he came towards her with his pouty kissy lips.  She shook her head and then picked up her plate.  "Sorry, seriously, I'm so stuck.  It seems I get to a certain point and then just don't know what to do.  It's been more than a bit frustrating."  She picked up the sandwich and took a bite.  "Thanks for lunch."

 

"Of course.  And just let it flow.  Stop worrying about how others are going to take it and just write what's in your heart.  What you feel. babe, is the most important part of this whole journey."  He picked up his sandwich smirked at her and took a bite.

 

"Oh, save me your hippy, 'love is all that matters' crap."  She said leaning back, resting the plate on her thighs and her feet on his lap.

 

Harry moved his sandwich out of the way of her feet and shook his head.  "By all means, make yourself comfortable."  He leaned back and balanced his plate on her shins.  "And love is all that matters, come on.  Look at us."

 

"I am.  Thanks."  She shook her head and laughed.  "Yeah, look at us."

 

"Accept it, love.  You can't live without me.  And I know I can't live without you.  That's called love."  He said triumphantly.

 

"Ok, what do I have to say to get you to shut up now?"  She asked raising her eyebrows at him.

 

"Well, aren't you in a mood today?"  He playfully pinched her toes.

 

"I told you, I'm frustrated.  What more do I have to say?"  She finished most of her sandwich and then set the rest on her plate.  "Ok, I'm full.  I should get back to work."  She took her feet from his lap and set them on the floor.  She placed the plate on the table and then picked her notebook back up.  "Why are you home so early anyway?  I thought you had meetings until this evening."

 

"Yeah, well the last one got cancelled, and I wasn't looking for anything else to do.  Look what I get to come home to.  The sass and the ass."  He said glancing down at her behind.

 

"Such a dork, and so corny."  She groaned at him.

 

"Yeah, maybe, but you even love that about me."  He said finishing his sandwich and setting down his plate.  He crawled over her and looked into her eyes over the notebook.  "Can't I at least get a kiss before you ignore me completely again?"

 

"So, needy."  She said playfully exasperated.  She smiled and then leaned forward and kissed his lips.  She started to pull away, but he put his hand behind her neck and pulled her to him.  He deepened the kiss and then pulled back after a minute licking over his lips with a smirk to end all smirks on his face. 

 

"Yeah, you're evil."  She said wiping her lips gently with her fingers.  "Stop trying to distract me."

 

"Oh, I wasn't trying, at least not yet.  But, I probably will soon.  So, you better write fast."  He leaned forward, kissed her quick and then bounced up.  "I will clean up here first.  But I won't take long.  Then I'll be back.  And no promises I won't bug you then.  I like a challenge.  I think it would be fun trying to distract you."

 

"Your mind is always in the gutter."  Julie shook her head at him again.  "I swear, you come across as this polite charming Brit, but all you think about is sex."

 

"No, Julie."  He spun towards her with a plate in each hand.  "It's not all I think about.  I only have it on my mind when I'm thinking about you."  He licked his lips and tried to hide his smile.  "Ok, yeah, you got me, that means all I think about is sex."  He stepped out of the way when a couch pillow came flying at him.

 

"Fuck off, Styles."  She yelled to his back as he walked into the kitchen.

 

"Only fucking that will be happening will be with you, love."  He yelled back as he chuckled lightly.  He didn't even have to hear her to know she groaned when he said that.  "I mean, I'm sure I could get you off, if that's what you mean."

 

"I hate you, oh so much."  She said tapping her pen on her page.

 

"And I'm glad."  He said wiping his hands on a towel and walking back into the room.  He got down on his knees behind the arm of the couch she was leaning back on, crossed his arms and leaned them on the arm.  He then leaned forward and put his chin on her shoulder.  "All teasing aside.  Can we do something tonight?"

 

"Harry, we've had like a three-month vacation, where we did something almost constantly.  I have to work sometime.  Someday, I have to adult and start to pay my own bills again.  I'm starting to get used to being a kept woman though."  She turned her head and looked at his face next to hers.

 

"You're the furthest thing from a kept woman, Julie."  He laughed and then got up.  "I'll let you write for awhile longer.  When you're ready, come find me so we can hang out."

 

"Hang out?  Is that what kids are calling it these days?"  She asked looking up at him.

 

"And you say my mind is always on sex.  I think we know who the guilty party really is."  Harry shook his head in mock disgust.

 

"Ya caught me."  Julie rolled her eyes.  "Now, go away.  I'm busy writing a better boyfriend."

 

"Ouch.  Right in the heart."  Harry pouted grabbing his heart with both his hands.  "The abuse I take."

 

"Yeah, yeah, always the victim."  Julie replied waving her hand dismissively at him.  "Can you please go away and pout somewhere else?"

 

"Well, since you asked so nicely, I suppose I can make myself scarce for a while."  He looked back at her.  "Come find me when you're done.  Remember, I love you, and all you need is love."

 

"Oh, my, god."  She shook her head.  "I love you, too.  Now please leave."  She pulled her legs up and rested the notebook on her knees.  Just write.  She told herself.  Write with love.  She took a deep breath and started to put pen to paper.  She couldn't figure out why she'd decided to take on this monumental task of writing such a detailed, long and deep story.  It was sort of like a therapy; it took a lot of her real-life experiences and gave her a way to bring them out.  Write them in a way she wanted them to go instead of how they actually went.  She was at a point now where she was struggling on which direction to take the story.

 

A couple of hours later, Julie gave up.  She didn't think this would be quite so difficult.  She had written the first half of the story quickly.  It had come fast and furious.  The next quarter she had struggled a bit more with, but now that it was nearing the end, she just couldn't seem to bring herself to write anything that remotely resembled what she wanted to say.  She put her notebook and laptop away and wandered around looking for Harry.  She found him lounging by the pool.  She walked over and climbed on his lap snuggling into his chest while he wrapped his arms around her.  "Ok, I quit.  You are just going to have to be my sugar daddy forever."

 

Harry chuckled and nuzzled his nose into her hair.  "As much as I love the sound of that, and as happy as I would be to take care of you, I know that's not the case.  You'll get it.  You're talented, love.  Believe it."

 

"I'm just going to have to get used to paying you back with sexual favors."  Julie nuzzled her nose against his neck.

 

Harry laughed out loud this time.  "Well, that I could definitely be down for, but I still believe in you.  But sexual favors are still welcome."

 

Julie sighed and pulled her head back and looked at him.  "Can't you just humor me for a little bit?"

 

"With which part, love?"  Harry asked rubbing over her back gently.  "That I'd like your sexual favors, or that you're going to fail at your novel?"

 

"Ugh, I don't even know why I bother."  She said leaning back against him and tucking her head under his chin.

 

"Yeah, I'm not sure why you do either.  It'd be easier just to agree with me."  Harry kissed the top of her head.  "So, I don't really feel like going out anymore. How about you and I just have some dinner and hang out?"

 

"Here we go again with this hanging out thing."  She smiled into his chest.  "Sounds good, actually.  What would you like for dinner?"  She asked getting up and pulling his hand so he stood up with her.

 

"You don't have to cook, love.  Let's order.  We haven't done that in a while.  How about some pizza?"  Harry asked her pulling out his phone.

 

"You don't have to ask me twice."  She nodded as she walked into the living room.  "So, are we 'hanging out' before or after dinner?"  She teased.

 

"Ha ha, smart ass."  He sat down on the couch and pulled her next to him.  "Both sound good to me."

 

"Of course, it does."  She chuckled.  "How about I talk to you about something before dinner, and then maybe we can 'hang out' after."

 

Harry laughed.  "See, it's never boring when you're around."  He called their favorite pizza place to order and then slung his arm around her shoulders pulling her to him so that she was leaning against his side.  "What did you want to talk about?"

 

"Well, I sort of need your help."  She started.

 

Harry gasped playfully.  "What?  You, need my help?"  His eyes widened in playful shock.  "I never thought I'd see the day."

 

"Oh, my god!"  Julie exclaimed backhanding his chest.  "This is why I never ask."

 

"I'm just teasing you."  He laughed rubbing his chest.  "I'd love to help you.  You know that."  He wished she would need his help, or ask for his help, a little bit more, but he'd accepted her stubbornness a long time ago.  He'd wanted to ask her to move in with him, as technically she still lived with Niall and Amanda, but she was with him all the time.  He didn't figure it was quite the right time yet though to make that suggestion.  He wasn't sure she was quite ready to make such a final commitment as to not have somewhere to go back to if they didn't work.  Her mind, always holding onto that little bit of doubt.

 

"Well, Amanda and Niall's Bachelorette and Bachelor parties.  I was hoping since you were planning Niall's and I am planning Amanda's, we could do something a little different."  She looked over at him. 

 

"Oh, like what were you thinking?"  Harry looked down into her eyes.  He would never get enough of his favorite shade of blue.

 

"Well, I mean, it would be nice to get a stripper for Amanda.  Since she'll never get to see another male without clothing after she's married."  She watched Harry's eyes widen at her suggestion.  "I thought maybe you could get someone amazing for that.  Or, you could do it.  I mean the whole world has already seen all you have to offer. Why not treat my friends to how blessed I am?"  She tried really hard not to laugh.

 

"Ok, fucking smart ass.  You got me."  He reached down and tickled her waist and laughed when she laughed out loud.  It was still one of his favorite sounds in the world.  "Want to tell me what you were really thinking now?"

 

"Oh, the profanity."  She laughed pushing his hands away.  "I think the girls would enjoy ogling your body."

 

"Maybe so, but wouldn't you be just a tiny bit jealous?  I mean, I am all yours right now."  He asked her.

 

"Hmm, maybe a little.  But I'm willing to share.  Of course, only their eyes could be on you.  There would be no touching.  Well, maybe Panda, we do share pretty much everything."

 

"Oh, my god."  He mocked her.  "Seriously, woman."

 

She laughed and then settled back down next to him.  "Well, weren't you going to ask me to be the entertainment at Niall's party?"

 

"Fuck, no.  Absolutely no way in hell.  There is not a chance I would ever let anyone else see you take off your clothing.  I won't even pretend not to be jealous.  Stop fucking with me now."  He grimaced tightening his arm around her shoulders.  "Not even funny."  Harry huffed.  He glared at her when she just started laughing harder.  "You need to stop messing with me, woman."

 

"You need to stop calling me 'woman'."  Julie shook her head and then laced her fingers through his.  "Ok, fine, I was thinking maybe we could do like a bit of a combined dinner, here with a few of our closer friends, and then the girls and I can go back to Niall's, and you and the boys can stay here like you planned.  I was thinking we could get like someone who can play some music for a couple of drinks after dinner.  Kind of a last hurrah before we go to Ireland, since most of the people here, especially for Amanda, won't be making the trip to Ireland."

 

"Of course, love."  Harry leaned down and kissed her lips.  "That sounds great.  Just let me know what I can do, and I shall get it done.  But that's seriously all you wanted my help with?"

 

Julie laughed at him.  "What?  What else am I supposed to ask for?"

 

"Well, seems you've only asked me for two things in this whole relationship.  A baby hippo, which was a joke even though I did get you a baby elephant, and now help with Niall and Amanda.  I mean, I'm starting to feel unneeded around here."  Harry proclaimed sticking out his bottom lip.

 

"Oh, yeah?  And what exactly have you asked me for help with, my pouty baby?"  She countered grabbing his bottom lip between her thumb and pointer finger.

 

He thought about it.  "I, uh, I, well, lots of things?"

 

"Yeah, you can't even think of anything, now can you?  Yet, you're constantly taking care of me.  So, who should be feeling like they aren't needed in this relationship?"  Julie raised an eyebrow at him.  "And I swear to god, if you say anything about sex right now,  you may get hurt.  And not the good kind."

 

Harry smirked at her.  "You take away all the fun."  He got up when the doorbell rang and tipped the delivery man for the pizza he had already paid for with his card.  He came and set the box on the table in front of them.  "Maybe I haven't asked for your help on anything big.  But you help me every day."  He opened the box of pizza and laughed at her as she crossed her arms and gave him a look.  "You do.  Every little thing you do for me.  I never have to ask.  Because you just do."  He sat back on the couch and gave her a kiss.  "I wish you'd realize that."

 

"And you do things for me constantly.  Pretty much from the day we met.  You seriously do not realize what you've done for me from that day Niall brought us to that first concert."  She put her hand up on his cheek.  "You've been nothing short of a miracle for me.  And even though I don't think I'll ever be the one that says it all the time, I don't know what I'd be today if it wasn't for you.  The good, the bad, the in between, you've been everything in my life."

 

Harry put his hand over hers which was still on his cheek.  "Yeah, I'll never get used to hearing you say things like that, but I'm glad when you do.  When you do, it's that much more special."  He took her hand from his cheek closed his eyes and kissed her palm.  "We're good together, baby."  He opened his eyes and looked at her face.  "I will do anything for you, always.  And I never doubt you will be what I need when I need it."  He leaned forward and kissed her lips, when he pulled back, he smiled.  "Ok, let's eat, because we got a lot of 'hanging out' to do. And you're going to need your strength." His sideways smirk was in full evidence.

 

"Oh, for fucks sake, Harry."  She laughed and pushed him away with her fingers on his lips.

 

"What?  You were getting too deep for me. I couldn't take it anymore."  He winked at her and leaned forward to grab a slice of pizza.  "You are way too sappy for me recently.  Too sweet.  I'm about to have sugar overload."  He continued as he took a bite of his pizza.

 

"Stop talking."  She said as she grabbed a slice of pizza from the box.  "Seriously, you should stop now.  You always talk way too much."

 

He smiled over at her.  "Oh, don't be pouting now."  He reached over and pushed on her bottom lip.  "I don't want to see my baby upset."

 

"Harry, I swear to you right now."  She looked at him.  "You're pushing your luck."

 

"Oh, I swear, I've told you time and time again.  I love being punished by you."  He laughed as she clenched her jaw, wrinkled her eyebrows and glared at him.  God, he loved her.  No one gave him as much hell as she did, but it was so much fun.  What he'd said before was true.  It was never boring.  She kept him on his toes.  Her mouth was so attractive.  Both physically and when she gave him non-stop sass.  "Yep, I love you.  Please don't ever ask me to stop."  He smiled as he took another bite of his pizza.  They counteracted each other so well.  And maybe most people couldn't take her mouth, her wit, her sass, but he adored it.  He also knew that she would always be there for him when needed her.  He knew, without a doubt, that if he needed it, she would tell him more how much he meant to her.  If he needed it, she would stand by his side and support him.  She'd done it when they weren't even together, in New York.  She might come across a bit cold to those that didn't know her, and a bit mean to the world, but anyone who truly got to know her heart, would have a friend for life.  He was lucky she'd chosen him to call her home.


	69. Chapter 69

February always starts with a bang due to some certain someone's birthday, and today was no exception.Julie sat back at Café Habana and watched Harry with some of his friends.Niall and Panda had just left a bit before, and the friends that remained may have thought Harry had to have a bit more to drink than he had planned.He didn't drink often, but sometimes he could cross the line a bit.He was feeling good, but he wasn't near as drunk as the night she took care of him at Niall's about a year ago.She had one glass of champagne to toast his birthday, but after that she stuck to water.She wanted to be able to drive him home instead of having to have a driver.Plus, she had plans when they got home.Well, maybe.Depends on how coherent he was when they got there.She chuckled as she watched him with his arm around a couple of the guys singing at the top of their lungs to American Pie; which was screeching out of the speakers.When the song ended, she smiled, and shook her head when he caught her eye.

 

"Well, hello there."Harry said walking up to Julie.She was sitting on the table in the corner just observing.Sometimes he wished he could see the world through her eyes.She spent so much time just studying her surroundings, it had to be a completely different vision through her."What's a good-looking girl like you, doing sitting in a corner all by yourself?"He asked as he walked up and stood in front of her.

 

"My boyfriend, he's having fun with his friends.I'm just, letting him."She said looking up at him.

 

"What an ass.He should never let you out of his sight.I wouldn't.Someone could come along and just steal you away."He licked over his lips and looked at hers.

 

"Well, everyone here sort of knows we are together.And, well, he has quite a bit of pull with the people here.They wouldn't want to step on his toes."She said leaning back on her hands.

 

"Hmmm, interesting.There's gotta be someone who likes a challenge at least.You're awfully beautiful."He stepped closer inching in between her knees as she leaned backwards.

 

"Excuse me, are you hitting on me?I told you, my boyfriend is sort of a big deal around here."She said playing along with his little game.

 

"I heard you.But, I'm not afraid."He said leaning down and placing his hands on either side of her hips."Besides, just a kiss from you, would make anything that happened later, worth it."

 

"But, I'm not that kind of girl.You can't just walk up and throw some charm and expect me to jump into your arms, your bed."She said batting her eyelashes at him.

 

"Ah, yes, much classier girl than that.Your boyfriend's a lucky son of a bitch getting a girl who stays so faithful to him."He reached up with one of his hands and pulled on a stray strand of her hair.

 

"Yes, he really is one lucky son of a bitch."Julie said laughing.She sat up and wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him."Are you having fun?"

 

"Oh, so you do like me."He laughed as he wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her body closer to him."Tell that other guy to fuck off."He winked at her and then leaned down and kissed her lips."Yes, thank you, it's been a lot of fun.But I think I'm ready to take you home.You know, before your boyfriend finds out."

 

She shook her head at him and touched his cheek gently."Yeah, I at least hope my boyfriend wouldn't be happy with me leaving with some random charming Brit."

 

"Oh, I can promise you he wouldn't be happy with you leaving with anyone.No matter who."He cupped her cheek and then kissed her lips again."Are you ready to go?"

 

"Yeah, I was waiting for my boyfriend to be done flirting with all his friends."She said laughing.

 

"What?Flirting?Woman, I was doing no such thing."He said pulling her down from the table and holding her close to him.

 

"You were so.It was pretty cute actually."She smiled and then put her hand behind his head when he kissed her deeper.When he broke the kiss, she shook her head at the hooting and hollering that was going on from his remaining, more than slightly drunk friends."You need better friends."She teased.

 

"Nah, they're alright."He said as he took her hand.After she grabbed her bag he walked her around to say goodbye to the remaining guests and then went to the car.He opened the drivers side door and then after she got in and he shut it, he went to the passenger side.

 

"I don't think I will ever get used to the consummate gentleman that you always are."She said as she drove towards his house.

 

"My mum taught me well."He replied as he watched out the window."We should go to our beach.We haven't been there to watch the sunrise in a while.I think it would be beautiful.We could hang out."

 

"We are not going to 'hang out' on the beach, Harry."Julie shook her head.

 

"Oh, the dirty thoughts you always have."Harry played shocked, shaking his head right back at her.

 

"You know that's exactly what you meant.Don't even play."She said looking over at his smiling face.

 

"Yeah, yeah.You didn't have a problem with it in Jamaica."Harry smirked recalling that wonderful day in the waterfall.

 

"Oh, my, god.Do not bring that day up right now."Julie said blushing.Damn him.

 

Harry laughed."I so love it when you blush.Definitely nothing to be ashamed of.It was one of my favorite days ever."He looked at her."So, what do you think?"

 

"It would be beautiful.And I suppose we could."She said contemplating.He was right.It would be a nice thing to do to end their night."But, I do have a present to give you, and it's at home.So, depends if you want to wait or not."

 

Harry gave her a look.The last time she told him that after his birthday, she came out of his bathroom in London with a sexy black teddy."Shit, you know where my thoughts went when you said that.I'm not sure that's fair."

 

"Oh, and you say I have a dirty mind."Julie chuckled."I guess you have to decide if you're willing to take the chance or not on what your gift is.It may be something simple, or it may be something sexy, or it may be something practical."She shrugged."Are you willing to take your chances?"

 

"Did you say something other than sexy?'Cuz that's all I heard."He said biting his bottom lip and running his eyes over her."You can't be anything other than sexy, love.You know that."

 

"Good save, Styles."She said as she pulled into his drive way.She went to get out of the car but he stopped her by putting his hand on her arm.She shook her head but knew what he wanted.She waited for him to come around and open her door for her."You don't have to do this every time.Seriously.I can manage a door."

 

Harry shook his head and looked down at her."No, love.Whenever I can, I'm going to.It's the least I can do."He took her hand and walked her to the door letting them in."Thank you for being there tonight.I know it was a lot of us just messing around, and you were left on your own a lot.But I loved being able to look up and see you."

 

"I wouldn't be anywhere else, Harry.Especially on your birthday."She stood on her toes and kissed him wrapping her arms around his neck."I do, love you, after all."

 

Harry kicked the door shut and pushed her back against it."Yeah?Think you can tell me again?Because I'm sure those are my favorite words to hear from your mouth."

 

Julie smiled, looked at the floor and then back up to him."I love you, Harry.I will never stop.No matter where this crazy ride called life takes us.No matter where we are.I will always love you."She closed her eyes when he kissed her forehead.

 

"Yep, best words ever."He closed his eyes while he rested his lips on her forehead.He was pretty lost himself when he lost her.Now, everything seemed to be falling back into place.He had lots of thoughts running around about their future, but he knew now wasn't the time to talk about it.Niall and Amanda's wedding was on the forefront of everyone's mind, and it wouldn't be fair to take that away from them.He pulled back and looked down at her."I love you more every day.I've waited for someone like you, all my life."

 

Julie smiled and started singing."All my life, I've waited for someone like you, and I thank god that I finally found you...."She started laughing when Harry tickled her side."What?I love me some KC and JoJo."

 

"We were having a moment.Of course, you had to ruin it."Harry glared at her playfully.

 

"Oh, please.That's your job."She said as she pushed him away from her and started up the stairs quickly."Birthday present!Remember.Stop distracting me."She threw over her shoulder as she quickly made her way up the stairs.

 

Harry locked the door and made sure everything was shut off for the night and then he made his way up to the bedroom.He saw her standing in the moonlight clutching something in her hand.He walked up behind her wrapping his arms tightly around her waist from behind and resting his chin on her shoulder."What you got there beautiful?"

 

"It's a new song."She said playing with the iPod in her hands."It's something a little different.A little more upbeat.A little more fun."She turned her head and looked up at him."I thought maybe I could play it for you."

 

"I think that's a brilliant idea."He turned her to face him and kissed her."Should I put it on?"He was excited.It's the first time he's heard a song alone with her."JoJo?"

 

Julie shook her head."No, not JoJo.Just wait for it."She said as she walked over to the stereo system to put it on the doc.Before she pushed play though, she grabbed the chair from the corner and took his hand and led him to it and sat him down."Just, sit here.Ok?"

 

Harry nodded.'What in the world was she up to?'He contemplated while she walked back to the stereo.He rested his hands on the arms of the chair and settled back into it.

 

Julie took a deep breath.This wasn't the type of song she normally wrote.She was more moody and deep, and this was a lot more fun, and sexy.She planned it that way, specifically for a moment like this.But now, she was nervous.She pushed play on the doc and turned towards him leaning back on the dresser, watching his face as the song started to play.

 

Harry watched her and looked her directly in the eyes when the song started.He was curious.He was also nervous, and he wasn't sure why.The beat was definitely different than what he was used to hearing from her.When the lyrics started, he felt his breath catch in his throat.When her hips started to move from side to side he swallowed hard.Holy fuck!He gripped the arms of the chair harder as she started to move towards him."Holy shit!That's you!"Hearing her voice and then lyrics that came with.Well, let's just say it didn't take much imagining to make his jeans feel tighter.

 

Tonight I want to get so wild and exotic

Baby let's explore

Imagine all the things we could do in one night

Everything and more

So tell me, tell me where you really wanna go

And gimme gimme what I'm asking for

From city city, international love

Take me all around your globe

 

Chorus

 

Hollywood to Japan, Tokyo to Milan

Baby just for tonight

We're making love worldwide

Brazil to Ibiza, baby just wanna please ya

Baby just for tonight we're making love

All around around around it

All around around around it

All around around around the world we're making love

All around around around it

All around around around it

All around around around the world we're making love

 

Julie watched him when he realized it was her voice coming out of the speakers and then she watched him when he heard the lyrics and what they were about.She looked at his knuckles turning white from the grip he had on the chair.By the time she made it over to him, the first chorus had just ended.She put her hands on his knees and started to sing along to the second verse as she slid her hands up his thighs and wiggled her body in between his legs.She rolled her chest towards him when their chests were almost touching.When her eyes met his she could see the darkness in them.The want in them.And she would never stop being amazed she could make him feel like that.

 

We can talk dirty in different language "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir"

Or we can get erotic on a distant voyage

Rendez-vous with me in my boudoir

Baby sit back and enjoy the ride

Ima take you places where you ain't been tonight

From city city international love

Take me all around your globe. 

 

Repeat Chorus

 

 

 

Harry watched her shimmy her way up to him, sliding her hands up his legs and over his chest.When she rolled her chest to his he gasped.The things she could do to him with just a little touch.He wanted nothing more than to end this birthday making love to his beautiful girlfriend.But this, completely unexpected, beautiful moment would be etched in his brain forever.And this song.Yeah, he'd like to live up to every verse.Every city that she sang about.He knew she wanted him to be patient. So, he had kept his hands on the arms of the chair until now, but he wanted to feel her on him.He grabbed her waist and pushed her back slightly until he got his knees between her legs and then he pulled her on to him so she was straddling his lap.He groaned as her hips moved against his."I'll make love to you anywhere, anytime.This song is hot."He kissed her and then deepened the kiss."I'm sorry if I seem so impatient."

 

Julie put her hands on the side of his face and looked down into his eyes."It's ok.It is your birthday after all."She leaned down and kissed him while she ran her hands down his neck and over his shoulders.She slid off his lap and giggled at his groan of impatience with the lack of contact."Just give it time, love."She said as she started to unbutton his shirt sliding it down off his shoulders.She wasn't even sure when her song ended and another began, but even before she removed his shirt completely she went to the buttons on hers, slowly unbuttoning each one as she moved her hips to the music.She slid the shirt down each of her shoulders and turned her back towards him.She reached back and unclasped her bra removing it and throwing it aside but keeping the shirt on.

 

Harrys eyes widened when Julie started to do a strip tease in front of him.What in gods name was this woman doing to him?She never ceased to surprise him.Even when he thought she couldn't anymore.When she turned around holding her button-down shirt shut in front of herself, he bit his lip harder.He wanted to see those perfect breasts.He wanted to run his tongue around her perky nipples and then nibble and suck on each one while he worked her up.He groaned at the tightness in his jeans this time.He closed his eyes a second and then opened them to her completely dropping her shirt."Hot, damn."He said as his eyes wondered her breasts and her stomach.He watched her hands slowly go to her button on her jeans and she oh so slowly tortured him by taking her time undoing them.He leaned back and stared at her standing there in her panties.He wiped his mouth instinctively, he thought for sure he'd be drooling.

 

He was contemplating letting himself free from his jeans, but before he could even react to the thought in his head, she knelt down in front of him and ran her hands up his thighs again and then slowly over his zipper.He let his head fall back and whispered quietly."You're going to kill me."

 

Julie giggled at his exaggeration."I'm not going to kill you, love."She reached the button and undid it and then his zipper.She ran her hands over his hips and up his chest and took his shirt off the rest of the way.Then ran her hands slowly down and did the same to his pants and the rest of his clothes.

 

Ok, she said she wasn't going to kill him, but he had doubts.She was driving him mad at least.Slow and seductive.He knew what she was going to do, and he honestly didn't need it right now.He was so worked up he just wanted to be with her.In her.But the moment he felt her take him in her mouth he groaned deeply.It felt so good.His hand ran in her hair as he let her move at her own pace.It was torture of the best kind.His high was building but she was careful not to take him over the edge too quickly.He let his head lean back on the chair and he bit his lip.The further she took him in her mouth the more pleasure he felt.

 

"Fuck, baby."He said to her as she continued to work him perfectly.He put his other hand in her hair and then lifted her head from him.She looked at him confused and he just smiled.He brought her mouth to his and kissed her deeply and passionately his tongue fighting with hers over and over.He broke the kiss, smirked and spun her so that her back was towards him.He ran his hands down her back and felt her shiver.He smiled at the reaction and then removed her panties and then pulled her back towards him placing himself between her legs.He kissed down her back running his tongue over the tattoo on her lower back and then positioning himself to enter her.They groaned together as she came down on him and he reached around and cupped both breasts in his hands.They fit perfectly there. 

 

Once she started moving around him he placed his face in the back of her hair.He then leaned to the side and nuzzled and kissed her neck.The moans coming from her were going to be his undoing.It was another new position for them and she obviously enjoyed it.He took one hand and ran it down her stomach where they were connected and rubbed over her gently.He felt her reach backwards and put her hand behind his head.She mumbled something that sounded like 'Oh, god, Harry.'So he continued the movements.Moving faster the closer he got to exploding.A few more minutes and he sucked the salty skin on her neck as he released.As he did he moved his fingers faster and before he finished he felt her clench down on him.He moved them through her high and then buried his face back into her hair as they caught their breath.

 

"I'm really enjoying these birthday presents you've been getting me.I always look forward to my birthday, but when we're together.I wish I had more of them."He chuckled when he heard her giggle."I love you, baby."

 

Julie turned and looked at him."I love you, too, Harry.I hope 23 treats you well."She kissed his lips and then got up.She pulled him up and smiled when he kissed her."Well least we don't have to change the sheets."She followed him as he pulled her towards the shower.As usual they made their most of the time under the water as well.By the time they were done, they both fell into bed exhausted.The sun was already over the horizon, but they slept peacefully in each other's arms.

Again I take no credit for the song lyrics.  As per usual Christina Aguilera and her Lotus album have saved the day.  She seemed to have made an album that fits JJs life.  Please go check out her brilliance if you can.

 

Til next time...THANK YOU!! 😘😘


	70. Chapter 70

About mid-February, Julie walked into Niall's house.She was going to go through the final plans for the party for Amanda and Niall.Harry and she had wanted to surprise them, but including the engaged couple in the process just seemed easier.They had agreed to go along with the smaller combined party and then go their separate ways.Then shortly after the party, they would all go to Ireland to finalize plans for the wedding.In less than a month, Niall and Amanda would be husband and wife.It was crazy to her how much had happened and how much life had changed since the day Niall walked into the ER, or rather hobbled.She couldn't believe all the events that had occurred since that fateful day.Both good and bad.She picked her mail up from the basket by the door. It was her routine when she came 'home'.She used that term loosely as she felt like she didn't really have a 'home', at the moment.She spent her time shuttling back and forth between Niall's and Harry's.

 

Technically, Niall's place was still her home.All her mail was sent here, and she put Niall's address on all her documents, but she'd spent just as much time, if not more, at Harry's.If he was in LA, she was most likely to be found at his house.But when he wasn't, she stayed with Niall and Amanda.She shook her head.Part of her wondered if she was afraid to settle into anything permanently.Especially with Harry.She closed her eyes and let out a deep breath.She wondered if she would ever get over her fear of completely giving every part of herself to anyone, or anything.She opened up a few pieces of junk mail, a couple of bills, and then stopped at an envelope and stared at the return address.What could it be?She opened the envelope and read through the information.She immediately dropped to the step going down into the living room.Julie sat and stared at the paper, and she couldn't comprehend what she was reading.Why?Just, why?

 

Julie wasn't even aware of how long she'd been sitting there dazed before she heard Panda call her name.To her ears, it sounded like Panda was really far away.She shook her head when she felt a hand shake her shoulder gently.She looked up at Panda but still felt extremely confused.

 

"JJ!"Amanda squatted down in front of her."What the hell is going on?"She looked at JJ's eyes but could tell JJ wasn't quite comprehending what she was saying.She looked at the paper in JJ's hands and gently removed it.She read over the words and fell down onto the floor beside Julie."Oh, you have got to be fucking kidding me."She read the paper again."Why?"

 

Julie just stared at Panda for another few minutes.She couldn't quite come to grips on it herself."I don't know."She cleared her throat.She hadn't even realized how full of emotion she was.She took a deep breath and let it out slowly."I just don't know."

 

"God damn it."Amanda said standing up.She couldn't believe this was happening.And now?Really?

 

"I'm sorry."Julie said standing up and taking the paper from Panda."You shouldn't worry about this.Especially now."She pushed the paper back into the envelope and grabbed her bag and walked towards her room.

 

Amanda grabbed her arm gently and sighed when Julie cringed."Don't do that.It doesn't matter if I were getting married tomorrow.When will you learn, JJ, you're my best friend?I'm going to be here for you, no matter what else is going on."

 

Julie stopped and turned and looked at Amanda.She felt so lost.Completely, utterly lost.She shrugged slightly and tried to step back when Panda stepped up and hugged her tightly.She didn't want to cry, but she knew once she felt Panda's arms around her that she would, and she was right.She broke.Why did things have to keep coming back and biting her?She was content and happy.She had just been wondering why she couldn't let go completely, and this was why.Something always happened. The other shoe always dropped. Julie pulled away from Amanda after a few minutes."Just, I can't right now.Please, just, I need some time."She squeezed Panda's hand and turned and walked away quickly.She needed to be alone.She needed to figure out how she felt and what she was going to do with this newest catastrophe.

 

Amanda watched JJ walk away and go into her room.She sat down on the couch to process what she'd just read.After a few minutes, she sat up and rubbed her face before picking up her phone.She called Niall and asked him to come home when he could and then she called Harry.She knew they were both working on music, but she felt they needed to be here.They needed to know what was going on, and she knew she was going to need help in getting JJ through this.Another blow to JJ at a time when she was starting to feel happy and content.Things were going so well for JJ and Harry, as well as in her writing and in life in general.And she knew that JJ would now question things even more.Amanda didn't tell either Harry or Niall what was happening, she would wait for them to get there, but she wanted to hurt someone, badly.

 

Amanda kept looking at the clock on the wall.It had been close to an hour since she'd called the guys.She tried to keep the worry out of her voice, but she had asked them to come as soon as they could.She was hoping at least one would have arrived by now.Amanda paced back and forth in front of the door.Ugh, this was ridiculous.She pulled out her phone and was just about to call Niall again when the door opened.She stopped pacing and looked at Niall."Oh, my god.It's about time you got here."

 

Niall stood with his hand on the door knob, looking at Amanda a bit confused."Uh, well, hello to you, too."He stepped inside and shut the door his eyes taking in her tension and angst."You didn't make it sound urgent, but one look at you, and you're making me anxious."

 

"Yeah, sorry, hi."She said walking up to him and giving him a sweet kiss."I'm sorry.I didn't want to worry you, but I was hoping that you or Harry would have gotten here a bit quicker."

 

Niall walked with Amanda towards the front room."Harry?You asked Harry to come?"Niall gave her a look."I mean, I thought it had something to do with the party, or the wedding.So, I finished what we were working on before I came.But, would you need both Harry and I here for that?"He looked Amanda over again."Ok, spill, what the hell is going on?Is everyone ok?"

 

"Define....ok?"Amanda asked him sighing."Physically, yes, everyone is fine."

 

"Physically?Ok, so then how is everyone not fine?"Niall asked her."Stop beating around the bush, Amanda.What is it?"

 

"I, I just, maybe we should wait."She said glancing down the hallway.

 

"JJ?Is she here?"Niall questioned."Spill, please, you're making it worse by not saying anything."During the middle of his sentence, the doorbell rang.He figured it had to be Harry, so he went and opened the door."Hey, man.Come in.Amanda was just about to tell me what the hell is going on."

 

Harry looked at Niall and then at Amanda seeing the tension and beginning to tense himself."So, this isn't about the party?Or the wedding?"

 

Niall shook his head."Apparently not.That's exactly what I thought, but apparently Amanda should have been a bit clearer on the phone so we could have come quicker."

 

"Wait, if it isn't about the wedding or anything, then why am I here?"Harry inquired looking between Amanda and Niall."Julie?Is everything ok?What happened?"His mind began racing a million miles an hour.When he'd left her this morning, to get ready to come here, she had been fine.She was in a good mood.She'd given him hell.So, he knew they were ok.What could be so urgent that Amanda had to call and ask him to come as soon as he could?"Where is she?"

 

"She's in her room."Amanda answered watching Harry start towards the hallway quickly."Harry wait, just a minute."

 

Harry stopped and looked at her."What?You can't start something like this and then just tell me to wait."He spat at her impatiently, tapping his foot.

 

"I know.Can we just all go in together?And not barge in and confront her.Can you please just trust me on this?"Amanda asked taking Niall's hand and walking towards the hallway with him and Harry.

 

"You have me fucking freaking out here, Amanda."Harry sighed exasperated.

 

"I know.But she's going to need us.And calm is going to be the best approach.Please."Amanda begged knocking quietly on Julie's door.As she anticipated, she didn't get a response, so she tried the door knob, and when she found it unlocked, she opened it gently and stepped inside."JJ?It's me, Niall, and Harry.Can we come in, please?"She slowly stepped inside and watched JJ stare out the window.Amanda saw her pick up her hand and wipe her tears as indiscreetly as she could."We should talk about this."

 

Harry looked from Julie to Amanda and then back again.He could tell simply in the body language of Julie that he wasn't going to like whatever it was that was going on.Yet he had no clue what it was.He wanted to rush up to her and bombard her with questions, but he trusted Amanda with her assessment, so if he should remain calm and cool, he would do that."Baby?What's the matter?"He said quietly stepping closer to her slowly.He watched her tense up the closer he got to her.What the fuck was going on?When she turned around and looked at him, and he saw her red puffy eyes, he reached for her.When she took a step back, he stopped.He needed to know what was going on."Baby?"He asked holding his hand out to her.Harry let Julie come to him.Which she did after a few moments.He slowly wrapped his arms around her and held her to him gently. Remaining calm and letting her feel the protection of his arms around her, he asked"Do you think you can tell me what happened?I'm more than a bit concerned right now."

 

Harry felt her shake in his arms and knew she had started crying again.He looked back at Niall and Amanda.He was hoping Amanda would tell him, but she just stood there quietly."It's ok, baby.Whatever it is, we can deal with it."Oh, the things that were running around his head.Which could it be?Or was it any of them?

 

"No rush, JJ.But we'd like to know what's going on."Niall addressed Julie but was looking at Amanda.

 

Amanda whispered."I have to let her tell you.Give her time."

 

After a few more minutes Harry put his hands on Julie's shoulders and pushed her back gently so that he could look at her face."Baby, do you think you can tell me what's happening?Are you ok?"

 

Julie looked towards the bed where the paper was laying outside of the envelope.She didn't even want to say it.She didn't even want to remember it.She nodded towards the paper, and when Harry looked at her for confirmation, she nodded her head yes.Nothing would ever go right in her life.She should be used to that by now, her shoulders scrunching in defeat.

 

Harry looked at Amanda and then went and picked up the piece of paper on the bed.He began reading it, and his breath caught in his throat.He had to read it a second and then a third time.He couldn't believe it."This can't be right.Is this for real?"He saw Niall looking at him curiously, so he handed the paper to Niall."This is a joke, right?Someone tell me it's a joke."

 

"It's not a joke, Harry."Amanda said quietly.She watched the anger fill Niall's eyes when he read what was on that paper, too."She came home and opened it today."

 

"He wins."Julie said flatly from her place back by the window again."He just wins.I'm done.I just can't take it anymore.He will never be out of my life."Fuck Johnny.Suing her for defamation of character because it had become public knowledge that he may not be the innocent victim in all of this after all.

 

"Baby."Harry said walking up behind her again.He was doing everything he could to keep it together.To stay calm.He should have known it was about Johnny by the way she'd reacted to him.Closing up, tensing up when he wanted to touch her, pulling away.She only did that when she was thinking about Johnny.He gently put his fingers on her shoulder and let her relax before he wrapped his arms around her from behind."We can deal with this.I'll take it to my lawyers, and I'm sure we can work this out."

 

Niall leaned against the dresser and went over the paper one more time."Yeah, JJ, come on.I can have my lawyers work with Harry's, and by the time they are done with him, he won't get anything."

 

"Won't he?"Julie asked them turning around and stepping from Harry's arms."He's counting on the fact that I'm not going to want to go into open court and talk about what he did to me.He's banking on the fact that you would do anything to protect me and not have me need to bring up every sordid detail of my past."

 

Harry watched her.Well, she wasn't wrong.Or rather Johnny wasn't wrong.Harry would do anything in his power to protect her.And if it would do her more damage than good to get up in court and talk about her past, then he wasn't going to allow it.He'd do everything he could so that it didn't happen."Doesn't matter.I'll do whatever it takes to get him to go away."

 

"So, he wins."Julie said again looking at Harry."He wins because that's exactly what he wants.A bigger pay day.So, you go and pay him off again.This time with a different NDA and an offer of more money for him to drop his lawsuit.Then he wins."

 

"So, fight him."Amanda said."He can't possibly win.Not with what he's done."

 

"But he does."Julie said again."If I go into court and tell them exactly what happened, he still wins.Because who do I have for witnesses?Who witnessed Vegas besides you, Amanda?Harry, Niall, Liam, Louis, and Zayn and their security.He knows I would never drag them into that publicity.Someone would pay him off so that they didn't have to appear in a public court hearing.So, he wins."

 

"You know damn well that I wouldn't let that ass scare me off because of some publicity.How could it be bad publicity for me telling the truth about some abusive asshole?"Niall replied angrily."No, JJ.Don't protest.I will happily tell all who will listen what we saw.There will be no need to drag any of the other boys in."

 

"Really?You think that his lawyers will go for that?They will serve each and every one of you with a summons.They will drag any and everything into it.There won't be a thing that they won't try."Julie shook her head again."I'm just done.He has beaten me.Again.I have no fight left in me."She sat down on the edge of the bed and then just slid to the floor leaning her back against it."I just can't anymore."

 

Amanda watched Harry and Niall clench their fists when Julie used the word "beaten".She saw anger in both of them, and she knew exactly who it was directed at.She took a deep breath and looked at both of them.She didn't blame them for being angry.But it wouldn't accomplish anything to show it right now.She loosened the tension in her own body and sat next to JJ pulling JJ's head onto her shoulder."We don't have to figure it all out now.But we will do this, together.Just like we do everything else."

 

"I don't want to."Julie mumbled."Seriously.I don't know how to just make it stop.I just want to make it stop.But, it's clear me wanting to be happy.Me wanting to move on and move forward just is not meant to be.He just comes right back and wins.Every, single fucking time.Because I won't put everyone else through it.I won't."

 

"We want to."Niall said coming down and sitting in front of them."You should know that by now, JJ.We aren't going to let him come in and ruin your life."

 

"He has never stopped."Julie picked up her head and put her hands over her face for a moment and then rubbed her forehead."And he won't stop.It's just time I went in there and showed him that I have nothing.That he can't get any money from me.He can't gain anything from me.Because it's not me he's really coming after.It's you and Harry and the rest of the guys.Counting on the fact that you all will be the knights in shining armor and save me again.But if he doesn't have that, what's the point?"

 

"But, you do have us."Harry said, his voice cracking with emotion."Money doesn't mean a fucking thing if he's going to continue to hurt you.I will pay the mother fucker whatever he wants if it means he's never allowed to contact you through any method again."

 

"And that's exactly what he's counting on."Julie said looking up at him."I won't let you do that, Harry.I won't."

 

Harry stared down at her."You won't have a choice."He retorted as he grabbed the piece of paper and stomped out of the room."I don't care.This mother fucker is not going to get the best of us.Of you.Not on my fucking watch.You're done with his shit?Well, so the fuck am I."He grabbed his phone.He was going to call Jeff and get his lawyers in on this immediately.If Johnny even thought they were going to play nice, he had another thing coming.

 

"Harry!Stop!"Julie said scrambling to her feet and following him."I told you, I don't want you to do this!"

 

Harry turned and tried to control his anger."Look, you know I love you more than anything.But do not think I'm going to sit back and let this guy knock you right back down again.Because I certainly will NOT let that happen.He's messing with the wrong guy."

 

"Harry's right, JJ."Niall said appearing behind her."Look, I get it.I get that you don't want him to get paid for this.I get it.But you're so much more important than a little bit of money.If it makes him disappear forever, then isn't it a good thing?"

 

"No.Because he wins and gets what he wants because of me.Because, yet again, he takes advantage of me and gets what HE WANTS.So, then what's next?Look what's happened.He tracked me down in Vegas, he knocks me around, sends me to the hospital, and he gets paid because Harry's team has him sign an NDA.Then, Kendall gets all huffy and tracks him down and sends tabloids his way, so he gets paid more than what his NDA fine is.And now, he's looking for an even bigger payday.So, he gets that again.What's left?Seriously?What else can he take from me?"She looked around at the three of them."You.He got his 15 minutes of fame.He's on his way to getting a bigger payday.What's left?What else do I have?You.So, then he attacks you.And then it's my fault.Whatever he lies about or tells the tabloids about you all, just causes you more trouble, more legal ramifications.And that's my fault for bringing him into your lives."Julie couldn't take it anymore.The sobs just came wracking her body.Johnny would never leave her life.One decision at 19 years old.Somehow thinking she was in love, has now messed up her life completely.She'd left at 21 and she was now 26, and Johnny was STILL causing her pain and misery.

 

Harry dropped his phone on the couch and wrapped her in his arms."Damn it, Julie.This is not your fault.It's never been your fault.It's HIS fault.And we don't need to let him get away with it.Stop worrying about the rest of us.Please.Let us, protect you.Let us use our resources in order to get him to go the fuck away.It's not ideal.But I don't care.I don't care how much he gets, as long as I don't have to see you go through this anymore.Because it's killing me not to be able to fix this.Let me help, please."

 

Niall put his arm around Amanda who was struggling to keep herself together and walked her up to JJ and Harry."Yes, you've got more than one person on your side.And I can promise you that if we tell Louis and Liam we need their help with this, they wouldn't hesitate.He's going to see it's not going to be an easy pay day, and then maybe he will back off.And maybe another NDA, a stronger worded one, will be introduced, but that would only be for your safety, so that this could never happen again."

 

Amanda cleared her throat and rubbed JJ's back."Please, JJ, please let them help.Let us help.I can't watch what this does to you anymore."Amanda felt afraid.JJ had been so strong for so long, but there had to be a breaking point.And she was afraid JJ was close.She didn't know what would happen."I can't watch you go through this.I can't.I'm scared, JJ."

 

Julie did the only thing she knew to do in a situation like this.She pushed away.She pushed away from Harry's arms, and she walked away from them."I told you, I'm not letting you do this.You can't save me.I can't save myself.It's just time to give in.He wins."She spun on her heel and walked towards her room.This was it.She was done with all of this.Once Johnny had found out who Harry was, and who her friends were, he was going to manipulate her to get at them, or more precisely their money, and she wasn't going to allow that to happen, not again.She picked up her phone and wiped angrily at her tears.

 

Harry grabbed his phone off the couch and looked at Amanda."Don't let her leave your sight.I don't care how much she fights you.I'm done with this asshole.I honestly don't care what she says right now."He stopped."Ok, I care, but if she's giving up, I'm not.He's going to pay for this.He's ruined her for the last time.It's time he learns his lesson."He quickly called Jeff on his way out the door.This fucker was done.He didn't care what he had to do.He didn't care what favors he had to call in, and he didn't care how much he had to pay his lawyers.

 

Niall watched Harry storm out and then looked at Amanda."I'll stay here, but I'm calling my lawyers as well.You know we care what she thinks.You know, we respect her, but enough is enough.She can't keep trying to protect others when she's the one he's constantly going after.And we can do this.Honestly, I don't care how mad she gets at us right now."

 

Amanda nodded and kissed Niall.She wasn't going to argue with Niall or Harry.She wanted them to let loose on this bastard.She walked into the bedroom and saw JJ trying to work her phone, but the tears kept dripping onto it and in her way.She gently took the phone from JJ's hand and pulled her onto the bed."Just lay with me JJ.I know it's hard to believe now, but we're going to figure this out."She wrapped her arm around JJ and rested her head on JJ's head.She held her and let her cry.

 

"I'm so sorry, Panda."Julie sobbed."This wasn't supposed to happen.This is YOUR time.YOUR wedding and me being a part of it is just ruining EVERYTHING.I wish I could have been strong enough to read it and hide it before you came in."

 

"No, damn it.That's enough.I'm still getting married, I'm still having my dream wedding, and my best friend is going to be there, no matter what some slimy bastard tries to do about it."Amanda said squeezing JJ tighter."If you aren't strong enough right now, JJ, then let us be strong for you.Because I'm done letting that bastard get to you."She leaned back against the pillow and closed her eyes.Mama Bear was in full protection mode now.And that fucking bastard, Johnny was going to see what that entailed.And honestly, she couldn't wait to see it happen.


	71. Chapter 71

Harry walked back into Niall's house hours later.  It was late, and he was exhausted.  He'd spent hours with his lawyers.  Some of the answers he had liked, and some he didn't.  He was in full protective mode, and he hated everything that Julie had to go through for this.  He walked in and plopped down next to Niall on the couch.  "Hey, man.  Thanks for having your lawyers call mine.  I can't believe this is happening."  He rubbed his face and leaned backwards.

 

"Of course, mate.  I would do anything to help.  Yeah, every time we think that jackass is out of the way, he just shows back up.  The balls this guy has.  Like he knows what he did, right?  What makes him think that everyone else is just going to forget?  I couldn't figure out why he did what he did in Vegas.  In front of EVERYONE, he just thought he could manhandle her, and he could get away with it."  Niall looked over at Harry.  "Do the lawyers think we can take care of it?"

 

"They seem to think what Julie thinks.  That if we try and pay him off, he's just going to come back later when he thinks he needs more.  That an NDA can be drafted in a more detailed manner, but they don't think it would stop him from trying.  So, they want to drag my already abused girlfriend through the courts and have them drag up a past she doesn't even want to share with those close to her, out in front of the world.  I hate this.  I hate every second of this.  And I wish there were a way that I could just handle this and make it go away.  There are so many things I have running through my head that I'd like to do to that fucker.  But, it would, in the end, only make it worse for Julie.  But man, would it feel good in the moment."  Harry stated leaning his back against the couch and closing his eyes.

 

"I think we all think that, Harry."  Amanda said walking into the living room and sitting herself between Harry and Niall.  She had heard what Harry had said about the lawyers as she was walking down the hall.  She must have checked on JJ a million times since Harry'd left.  She was afraid JJ would somehow sneak out when she wasn't watching.  She wouldn't blame JJ for wanting to get as far away from this as possible.

 

"Julie's still here, right?"  Harry asked Amanda.  He wanted to ask Niall as soon as he got there, but he had been afraid of the answer.

 

"Yeah, she's asleep, finally."  Amanda sighed.  "She's having a hard time.  She's pretty much cried the whole time you were gone, but I wasn't able to get her to say much.  The only thing she would do is apologize for it ruining my happy time.  I wish she would get that I don't feel that way at all."

 

"Well, she worries, a lot, about you."  Niall placed a kiss on the side of Amanda's head and draped an arm around her shoulders.  "Plus, it's JJ.  When doesn't she think everything is her fault?"

 

"Yeah, as a direct result of the asshole who's still trying to ruin her life.  You know damn well he made everything her fault."  Amanda stated angrily.

 

"Yeah."  Harry stated matter-of-factly.  "I don't know what to do.  How do I tell her that the best thing for her to do is tell everyone in open court about the shit he put her through for so long?  You know she feels ashamed and blames herself for it happening.  How do I tell her the best thing to do is bring in her friends to testify, the same friends she doesn't want to bring into this at all?"  He sighed.

 

"Yeah, I know, Harry.  But, maybe it's time.  She won't like it.  Hell, I won't like it.  She told us all over time.  Not all at once.  Now, she's supposed to go tell her past life in details?  There are details I'm sure that we don't even know."  She looked at Niall and then at Harry and back to Niall.  "This isn't going to be easy on any of us, is it?"

 

Niall rubbed Amanda's shoulder gently.  "Probably not, but don't let JJ hear you say that.  She will only blame herself more.  She's going to hate all of this attention.  She's going to hate having to rely on us."

 

"But, she needs it."  Harry stood up and stretched.  "And maybe she will after the initial shock.  She's grown so much in the past couple of years.  She's learned to trust us."

 

Amanda stood up and hugged Harry.  "Yeah, maybe.  I'm sorry about all of this.  If you or she need anything, please let us know."

 

"Of course."  Harry replied hugging her back.  "We'll have another discussion, and then another, I'm sure.  And I'm sure she'll need you."  He pulled back.  "I know she's going to worry about your wedding, and your party, before she worries about anything else.  And I'll give her that.  We still need to work on all the final details, we still need to concentrate on the happy, and on the other parts of our lives.  Otherwise, she's just going to obsess over this."

 

"Of course."  Niall said standing up and giving Harry a quick hug.  "We'll see you in the morning."

 

"I'm going to try to see if we can get this done before we leave for Ireland.  The lawyers are going to be working on it tomorrow and let us know as soon as they can get things set up."  Harry gave them a small smile and then went to see Julie.  God, he hated this so much.  He walked slowly down the hallway and all he could think about is how unfair this whole situation was to her.  He knew she had that rough exterior.  That hard shell.  The one not everyone could look past.  But the more Johnny kept coming back and causing Julie all this heartache, the more he realized why.  It didn't take him long to see her heart underneath.  He wished others were able to see it as well as he could.  The way that she always thought of others.  Like with Niall and Amanda's wedding.  This had hit her out of nowhere.  And yet the thing Julie was worried about most was how it could get in the way of Niall and Amanda's happiness.  He sighed as he quietly opened the door to Julie's room.

 

Niall walked Amanda into their bedroom and after he changed, he sat down on the edge of the bed and flipped the tv onto the sports channel.  Amanda was still in the bathroom getting ready for bed.  He looked up when he saw her walk out of the bathroom.  He could tell she had been crying.  He stood up immediately and went to her side, wrapping her in his arms.  "Talk to me, Princess.  What's wrong?  Well, besides the obvious."

 

"I hate she has to go through this.  Again.  I absolutely hate it.  And I hate him.  I never thought I could hate someone I'd really never even met as much as I hate him.  Hell, I never thought I'd ever hate anyone the way I hate him.  And part of me feels guilty."  Amanda admitted.

 

"Guilty?  Why on earth would you feel guilty?"  Niall asked looking down at her face.

 

"Because, I find myself wondering why he had to do this now.  A month before our wedding.  Why couldn't he have waited until after?"  She looked up at Niall.  "And that makes me feel guilty for thinking about our wedding before what's happening to her."

 

Niall couldn't help but chuckle a little.  "It's ok to think about stuff like that.  Of course, there's going to be a bit of disappointment.  I think you're allowed.  You had this idea of how this was going to go.  How you and JJ would be, and now it's changed.  You've spent too much time around JJ.  Stop being so hard on yourself."  He lifted her chin with his fingers and kissed her lips.  "When it comes down to it, you'll be there for her, and that's what she needs."

 

"Of course, I will.  I just don't want her to have to go through all of this when I'm so extremely happy.  Living my dream, with my dream man.  Finding happiness everywhere I turn because of you.  And she's still stuck with dealing with someone she left over 4 years ago."  Amanda looked down at the floor.  "I just wish she could find her happiness.  I just wish he would leave her alone.  Her heart is so good.  She worries about everyone else before she worries about herself.  She's worried about you and me and Harry.  But she doesn't stop there.  She's worried about Louis, Liam, and Zayn.  And about every security member.  We can all easily help her and testify about what we saw in Vegas.  And she doesn't want us to because she's worried about what it could do in the press.  Who does that?"

 

"You would.  Just like she does."  Niall shook his head at Amanda.  "The two of you could learn to be just a bit more selfish sometimes.  Stop making us mere normal folk look so bad."

 

"Yeah, ha ha.  Sure."  Amanda shook her head but couldn't help but smile.  "Besides I am being selfish, remember.  That's exactly how this whole conversation started.  I'm mad he could be messing with my wedding.  That's selfish.  I should be mad he's messing with my friend."

 

Niall couldn't help but laugh out loud.  "You're just as mad, and probably madder at the fact he's messing with your friend, which in turn messes with your wedding."  He took her hand and led her to the bed.  "Again, stop being so hard on yourself.  But, please, be as angry as you can be at that dickhead."

 

Amanda smiled and climbed into bed letting Niall cover her up before he walked around to the other side of the bed and climbed in.  "See, you're perfect for me."  She leaned over and kissed him before settling under his arm and laying her head on his chest.  "And, trust me, dickhead is going to get all of my rage for quite some time.  I love you.  Thank you for immediately trying to help JJ get through all of this."

 

"No need to thank me.  I'd do it whether or not you and I were getting married.  I sort of like her, ya know.  And not just as your best friend.  I'd like to think I can call her friend, too.  You've learned to share a lot better than you used to."  Niall kissed Amanda's head and settled back onto the pillow.

 

"Nope, still not sharing.  She's my best friend, not yours."  Amanda pouted.

 

"If she didn't live here with us, I'd swear you'd threaten to take her home so I couldn't play with her anymore."  Niall reached over and turned the lamp by the bed off.

 

"Oh, for fucks sake, you best not be 'playing' with her at all."  Amanda said trying to stifle her laughter.

 

"Go to sleep, Amanda."  Niall chuckled softly.  "I love you."

 

"I love you, too, Niall."  Amanda yawned and closed her eyes.  This wasn't over yet.  But the way Harry and Niall stepped up gave her hope that they could get through this without it completely breaking JJ.  It took her awhile, but she eventually fell asleep cuddled up to Niall's side.

 

When Harry had walked into Julie's bedroom, she was still sound asleep curled up tightly in her comforter.  He quietly went to the drawer she kept a few of his things in and grabbed some shorts and a t-shirt to wear to bed.  He took a quick shower and brushed his teeth before coming out of the bathroom and crawling into bed next to her.  He didn't want to disturb her, but he couldn't help but want her in his arms.  He gently pulled her back towards him and then watched her face as she instinctively rolled towards him and laid her head on his chest.  He let out a breath he hadn't known he was holding and kissed her head.  He closed his eyes and rubbed over her back gently as he tried to fall asleep.  It seemed, though, that his mind wouldn't stop racing.

 

Harry didn't know how long he had been laying there trying to figure out the best way to deal with this new trauma when he was startled by a scream coming from Julie.  He opened his eyes when he felt her jump up, and he sat up and looked at her.  She was looking around the room confused.  Damn dreams were back.  She did so well with them, until something came up, well until Johnny pulled another one of his shit attempts at getting something from her.  "It's ok, baby.  It was only a dream."  He reached out and gently ran his fingers down her arm.  "It's ok, love.  I'm here."  She jumped a little when she felt his fingers on her arm, but she relaxed as soon as she heard his voice.  "Do you want to talk about what you were dreaming about?"

 

"No."  Julie said rubbing over her face with her hands.  She figured the subject had to be obvious.  Who else could it have been about?  She settled back down onto Harry's chest and rested her arm over his stomach.

 

"Come on, baby.  Don't close me out."  He resumed rubbing over her back gently.  "Talk to me.  Don't hide it.  Don't hold it in."

 

"It's nothing.  Just the same shit that happens every time he pops back up into my life.  Just like in real life, I can't get away from him.  Only in my dreams, he has a hold of me and won't let go."  She wasn't sure she could talk about this with Harry.  She didn't want to hurt him.  Even though it was just a dream, it was so outlandish.

 

"Why does it seem like there's more to it than that?"  He asked her, still lazily stroking her back with his fingers.

 

"It doesn't matter, Harry.  It's only a dream."  Julie said, quickly trying to change the subject.  "Where did you go?  And what did you try to do that I told you, you shouldn't?"

 

"It does matter.  But if it's only a dream, then why can't you tell me?"  He shook his head.  "We will talk about that, but don't try to change the subject, please."

 

"In this particular dream, Johnny had ahold of my bicep and wouldn't let me go.  Which is typical.  I'm always afraid I won't get away from him."  Julie started but then stopped.

 

"But?"  Harry asked.  "That's a but statement if I ever heard one."

 

"But," Julie continued.  "You walked up to him.  You told him you understood why he did what he did.  And that I deserved it because I couldn't do anything right."

 

Harry was shocked how much her confession hurt him.  He knew it was only a dream, but it still hurt. Was that really what she thought deep down?  "You know I'd never do that, right?  You couldn't possibly think that, that could happen?"  He looked inquisitively at her.

 

"I don't, really."  She rolled her eyes when Harry groaned.  "It's true.  I don't wonder near as much that you love me.  I just know it and feel it. They are just dreams."

 

"I know they are."  Harry said lying back on the pillow and closing his eyes.  "I'm glad you're telling me the details of your dreams.  Can't say I'm thrilled that I'm such an asshole in them though."

 

"But they are dreams.  It's not like I have any control over them.  Because if I did, I wouldn't have any at all."  She leaned on his chest, propped herself up on her arms, and looked at his face.  "Harry, after everything I've been through, if I truly believed that you would think about me that way, if I thought you'd hurt me like that, I wouldn't be here."  Well, at least she hoped she wouldn't be.  She definitely did not think that Harry would hurt her.  Either physically or emotionally.  Not in the least.  That part was true.  But, the part about not sticking around in another painful relationship?  She wasn't so sure about that part.  She heard so much about how women fell into the cycle of being with abuser after abuser.  She'd gotten extremely lucky finding someone as wonderful and kind as Harry.

 

"Have you had this dream before?"  He opened one eye and looked at her face.

 

"Harry, come on."  Julie pleaded.  "Do we really have to do this?"

 

"So, that's a yes?"  He shook his head and closed his eyes again.  "Perfect."

 

"Stop.  Please.  Why do you think I wouldn't tell you?"  She tapped his chest with her fingers.  "Will you please look at me while I talk to you?"

 

Harry sighed and opened his eyes and looked at her face.  "I never want you to feel that way with me.  Consciously or subconsciously."

 

"I know that.  But they are just dreams.  And let's face it.  It says more about me than it does about you.  I'm scared."  Julie pushed herself off his chest and sat up.  She was getting restless and impatient.  "I'm scared to fall right back into the same damn pattern."  She got up off the bed and started pacing around the room.  "And now.  Now, he's come after me again.  Because he can't physically hurt me anymore.  Because I became strong enough to stand up to him, he wants to hurt me in a different way.  Why?  What did I do to him?  Besides take care of him, let him do what he did, and stay with him until it almost killed me."

 

Harry watched her sit up and then start to pace.  He'd figured this would happen, but he didn't want to be a reason for it.  He sat up and followed her with his eyes.  "You left him.  Julie, no matter what happened between the two of you.  Even he didn't want to lose you."  He watched her stop and glare at him so he continued before he got the tongue lashing he knew he would.  "Yes, Julie, even he knew what he lost.  But he didn't want to lose.  And when he did, it became a game to him.  He wanted you, whether he admitted it to you or not.  If that wasn't the case, he would have moved on and done the same thing to someone else."

 

"How do you know he didn't?  And now, he sees that I'm happy.  He sees because of the media and your popularity that I have someone who is known for being kind hearted and gentle.  EVERYONE knows that Harry if they do any kind of google search.  So, he sees that, and he sees you have money, which is also verified by a simple google search and he wonders how he can make it about him.  This has nothing to do with his feelings for me."  Julie took a deep breath and crossed her arms.  She wanted to just close back up.  "Harry, I hate this."  She cracked.  If she didn't hold it, together everything was going to come flooding back out.

 

"I know you do, baby."  He got up and walked in front of her taking her gently into his arms and looking at her directly in the eyes.  "I hate it, too.  But together, we can take this on, and we can win.  I know we can."

 

"I'm so, so, tired of fighting."  She sighed resting her forehead on his chest.

 

"I know, so it's time to let me fight for you.  Or at least with you.  Let me take some of it from you.  Please, let me help."  Harry ran his hand up her back and rubbed the back of her neck.  "Please, let me do this."  He whispered.  He was so lost, so angry, so confused, and he just wanted her to let him help.

 

"I don't want people to constantly have to save me."  Julie said quietly, her voice filled with tears again.  "I feel like such a child."

 

Harry took a step back, put his hands on her shoulders and made her look at him.  "You are not a child.  No one could handle the shit that you have without breaking at some point.  Come to the lawyers with me.  Let's talk to them, together.  Let's figure out the best thing for YOU.  And whatever that is, I will go with it, whether I agree or not.  Julie, this is about YOU."

 

Julie took a few deep breaths as she thought over his words.  She needed help.  She needed support.  Hell, she needed someone who could help her decide what was right, because right now, she wasn't sure what that was at all. "Alright, Harry.  I can do that."

 

Harry was about to protest.  "Julie, we should just.....wait...what?"  He shook his head and laughed.  "Did you just agree with me?"

 

"I did."  Julie nodded taking another deep breath.  "I'm just done.  I can't fight anymore.  I can't fight him. I can't fight you.  And I do not have the energy to fight myself anymore."  She looked up into his eyes.  "Can you help me?"

 

Harry's heart about leapt out of his chest when her big blue eyes pleaded with him to help her.  He grabbed her face in both of his hands and looked deep into those eyes.  Deep into her soul.  "I would like nothing more than to help you.  In fact, I would be more than grateful to be able to take that bastard down."

 

Julie couldn't help but chuckle at his passionate plea about helping her.  About taking Johnny down.  "Well, I mean, if it means that much to you."  She said sniffling.

 

"And that's why I love you.  Always so unselfish.  Always making sure it's always about me."  He kissed her lips and then looked at her again.  He pulled her face back to his and kissed her deeper licking over her lips to ask for access.  When she granted it to him he squeezed his hand in her hair.  When he pulled back moments later, he smiled at her.  "Let's go to bed, beautiful.  We can worry about this in the morning.  Let me help you sleep through your bad dreams."

 

Julie stood on her toes and kissed his lips one more time.  "Sounds dreamy."  She said walking to the bed and climbing back under the comforter.

 

"It sure does."  Harry kissed her one more time and then wrapped her tightly in his arms as she lay back on his chest.  She somehow was always able to keep her sassiness and humor even through her darkest times.  He was amazed at her perseverance.  Her strength.  And even though right now she thought that she was weak, he saw her as strong.  He was just happy to be able to do something to help her.  No matter what it ended up being.  Knocking the bastard out would feel good, but it wouldn't fix Julie's pain and suffering, and that was his only goal.  He kissed her head and closed his eyes, but he waited until she was sound asleep before he drifted off himself.


	72. Chapter 72

Harry's lawyers worked quickly and had the necessary documents set up so that the Johnny drama could be dealt with as soon as possible.  Everyone hoped this could be dealt with before not only Niall and Amanda's wedding, but also the party they were going to have.  Hopefully Julie wouldn't be having to deal with this legal entanglement, while she was celebrating the love of her best friends.  Harry sat back in the hallway and leaned his head against the wall.  His lawyers had Julie in the conference room preparing her for trial.  Yeah, trial.  They had gotten her to go along with a counter suit.  It took some convincing, and she was reluctant; but as much as she hated it, it seemed like the only way to get Johnny to go away for good.  At least that's what Harry was hoping for.

 

Harry sat up straight and looked over at the door when it opened and his lawyers walked out from the conference room.  He was disappointed when he was advised they were just taking a break and weren't yet finished for the day.  He hated every part of this.  He had been in the room a lot.  But every now and again they pushed for him to leave.  He walked into the room and looked at Julie still sitting in the seat she'd been sitting every time they were there.  Her eyes glued to her hands in her lap.  He could tell she'd been crying.  He hated every fucking second of this.  Her pain was too much for him.  And every day after the meetings, she was more broken than the day before.

 

Harry pulled up the chair next to her and put his hands over hers.  "Hey, baby.  How are you doing?"

 

Julie slowly lifted her eyes to his.  She was drained.  Mentally she was completely overwhelmed.  Emotionally she didn't know how much more she could take.  "I don't want to do this anymore."  She whined.  She sounded ridiculous even to herself, but the questions that they asked her.  The way they made it all out to be her fault.  She knew that they were trying to prepare her for the cross examination, but the process was brutal.  She now knew why they had asked Harry to leave.  The lawyers hadn't held back.  She got so confused, and everything she said just made it worse.

 

Harry leaned forward and kissed her forehead.  He'd never seen her look so childlike.  "I'm sorry, love.  You have no idea how sorry.  I know it has to be hard on you.  I can't even imagine how hard it is for you to think about all your past in detail.  To share it with everyone."

 

"Stop.  Please.  Just stop."  Julie pleaded.  She stood up and walked over and got a glass of water from the pitcher on the table across the room.  She wished it was filled with something a hell of a lot stronger.  She drank it and then set it down.  "I just want to finish this damn day and go home."

 

Harry sighed and stood up.  He walked up to her and pulled her into his arms.  "Alright, love.  I'm sorry."  He rubbed her back gently until he heard the door open and the lawyers walk back in.  "I'm going to stay this time."  He said to Julie, but he made sure the lawyers heard him also.

 

"Harry, I'm not sure that's such a great idea."  Marc, the senior attorney advised him.  "This isn't an easy process.  But we need to make sure she's ready."

 

"Well, if it's necessary, then there shouldn't be a problem with me being here."  Harry said as he took his usual position across the room and watched as Julie slowly meandered back to the chair she'd vacated just a bit ago.  She was not herself.  All her sass and her spunk were missing.  Every day she left the law office, she just went home and locked herself inside the house.  She would let him stay with her and be with her, but she wouldn't open up, she wouldn't pay attention to the movie or tv show he would try to get her to watch.  The party planning had basically been put on hold because she couldn't concentrate enough on any of the details.  Niall and Amanda were pretty much doing any work that hadn't already been done on their own parties.  He kept trying to look at the positive, the end game, but it was getting harder and harder every day.  He sat back to observe like he had been told he needed to every time he was there.

 

Nate, Marc's assistant took over the role of whomever Johnny's lawyer would be and walked up to Julie.  "Alright, Julie, we're going to start again with the cross-examination questions, ones that would come after relationship to Johnny was already established.  Remember, answer truthfully but never offer more than what they ask.  If it's a yes or no question, just answer yes or no, don't elaborate.  I know this is hard, but the more we go over this, the easier it will be when it comes to the trial.  Ok?"

 

Julie nodded her head and took a deep breath.  She tried to relax and rest her hands on her lap.  She wanted to cross them protectively across her chest but was already warned about that.  About seeming cold and closed.  She didn't know how, but she felt certain that this session was going to be worse than the last one, and she wasn't quite sure how she got through the last time.

 

Nate looked back at Harry.  He knew that it would be hard for Harry to witness this interrogation.  "Harry, it may be best that you're not a part of this.  I'm not going to lie.  It's not going to be easy to witness.  They won't play nice.  So, we can't either."

 

"I'm not going anywhere.  Do what you have to do, but I'm not leaving."  Harry stood his ground.  Knocking the bastard out was looking better and better as this went on.  He tried to sit back and relax, but he could feel his muscles tense more and more.  The warning he had just received didn't help either.

 

"Alright, but please, try not to react. We need you to stay neutral. If Johnny or his lawyers see that they can get a reaction from you, they will use that to get to Julie."  When Harry nodded, he turned back to Julie.  "So, you agreed to move in with Mr. Thomas when you had only been dating for two months, is that correct?"

 

"Yes."  Julie answered.  One of the many mistakes she had made when she was younger.

 

"And you say the alleged abuse started immediately after you moved in with him?"  Nate continued.

 

"No."  Julie answered.

 

"No?  So, you're saying he didn't abuse you as you've said?"  Nate asked her pacing in front of her.

 

"No, it didn't start immediately after I moved in with him."  Julie said.

 

"So, how long after you moved in did this alleged abuse begin?"  Nate asked her, emphasizing the "alleged" and continuing to walk in front of her trying to make her feel uncomfortable.

 

"About four months or so."  Julie answered quietly.

 

"I'm sorry?  I couldn't quite hear you."  Nate never left character.

 

"About four months."  Julie responded a little louder.

 

"About four months?  Was it four months?  Six months?  A year?  Never?  What is about four months?"  Nate questioned.

 

"Around four months.  Give or take a little bit."  Julie answered.  She couldn't remember the exact date that the first abuse had occurred.  It had started out subtle and simple and progressed to full out beatings.  She couldn't remember the exact day that it happened the first time.  She hadn't even admitted it to herself right away.

 

"So, you can't remember exactly when he supposedly started to abuse you?"  Nate shook his head.  "Moving on.  You lived with him for two years."

 

"Yes."  Julie answered.  It was almost two years, but at this point yes or no was so much easier.

 

"So, he started this supposed abuse 'about' four months in, and you stayed for two years?"  Nate questioned.

 

"Yes."  Julie said clenching her teeth.  She knew this was only the beginning of the questions.

 

"So, you just decided to stay around for the abuse for over a year and a half?"  Nate asked her looking directly at her.

 

"Objection."  Marc had said.  The lawyers wanted to play this scenario out as close to the real thing as they could.  He made some notes about Julie's reaction when that question was presented.  It was one of shame and guilt. 

 

"Withdrawn."  Nate said.  The question had done what it had intended.  "So, why didn't you decide to leave when this alleged abuse began?  Why did you wait so long before you decided to go?"

 

Julie took a deep breath.  She had asked herself that same question over and over again for years, but she'd never found a decent answer.  "I don't know."  She said truthfully.

 

"You don't know why you stayed with someone for so long who was supposedly abusing you?  Could it be the fact that he really wasn't abusing you, and you just used that as an excuse to run out on him?  To come to LA and start a new life with a superstar?"  Nate questioned.

 

"No, that's not true."  Julie answered.

 

"The abuse isn't true?  Then why are we here?"  Nate asked accusing her of lying on the stand.

 

"No, the abuse was true.  I didn't use Johnny's abuse as an excuse to come to LA, and I didn't come to LA to do anything other than get away from him."  Julie answered, the emotion catching in her throat.

 

"So, you say that you and Mr. Thomas never had a real relationship?"  Nate asked.  Moving on to try to confuse her.

 

"I never said that."  Julie answered.  "I thought it was real."  She said.

 

"You thought it was real?  You stayed with him, after you say he abused you, and you THOUGHT it was real?"  He pressed.

 

"Yes, at the time, I thought that he loved me.  I thought that every time he apologized for hitting me or calling me names or knocking me down, that he meant it and that he loved me."  Julie said.

 

"So, you swear he did all this to you, and you still decided to stay with him?  How do you expect anyone to believe that you wouldn't have left long before you did?"  Nate asked her.

 

"I just believed him.  I thought I loved him, and I thought he loved me."  Julie replied trying not to cry.

 

"Were you and Mr. Thomas ever engaged?"  Nate asked her.

 

"No."  Julie answered.

 

"No?"  Nate asked.  "Are you sure?"

 

"Yes, I'm sure."  Julie said looking down at her hands.

 

"Mr. Thomas never asked you to marry him?"  Nate posed to her.

 

"I never said that."  Julie answered.

 

"So, he did ask you to marry him?"  Nate pressed further.

 

"Yes."  Julie answered.

 

"Yet, you weren't engaged?"  Nate asked.

 

"Correct."  Julie answered.  She was having a hard time keeping it together.  These questions were ridiculous and confusing.  And she just wanted to flee.

 

"So, if he asked, why didn't you end up engaged?"  Nate asked.

 

"I said no."  Julie answered.  Her answer had triggered Johnny, and he had taken it out on her that night.  It was the worst physical beating she had ever been subject to.  Yet, she had still stayed.  That was the night he threatened her life if she ever left.

 

"I see."  Nate said looking at a file he was holding in his hand.  Purposely stalling to see how uncomfortable it would make Julie.

 

"I was scared."  Julie said.  She knew that this was a tactic they would use, but every time she thought she needed to explain herself.  "He said if I left, no one would have me."

 

"So, he loved you, wanted you, and you took that as what, exactly?"  Nate asked.

 

"That he would kill me if I left, so that no one else could have me."  Julie said.

 

"Yet, you thought he loved you, and you loved him?"  Nate asked.

 

"Yes."  Julie said exasperated.

 

"So, why would you accuse someone you love of doing something so horrible?"  Nate asked.  "What could you possibly gain but sympathy from your new celebrity boyfriend?  The actual truth is that he never once laid a hand on you, and you made the whole story up, isn't it?"

 

"No."  Julie said as tears started to run down her cheeks.

 

"No?  No, he didn't hurt you?"  Nate asked.  "That's what we've been trying to establish all along."

 

"No!"  Julie answered as she started to cry harder.  "That's not what I meant.  I didn't use it as sympathy.  To get anyone to feel sorry for me."

 

"Really?  What have you gained since you told this story to your new boyfriend and his friends?  A house in a wealthy part of LA?  The ability to quit your job and live off of their money?  So, the truth is, you've moved on from playing Mr. Thomas, to playing Mr. Styles and his friends to live off of them and never have to worry about taking care of yourself?"

 

"No."  Julie said quietly.

 

"So, you don't live with Mr. Horan and his fiancée.  You didn't stay with them for free after you quit your job?  You didn't go back to Mr. Styles twice and have him pay for your legal team to fight your battle for you?"  Nate continued to badger Julie over and over with the same type of questions.

 

"Stop!!!"  Harry yelled as he pushed himself up off the chair.  "Just stop!!!"  He walked over towards Julie but found Marc standing in his way.  "Get out of my way!  And stop questioning her.  Everything she says you're twisting and it sounds worse than it is!"  Harry bellowed at them.

 

"Yes, Harry.  That's the point."  Marc stated calmly to him.  "Johnny's lawyers are going to come at her with much worse than this.  We need her to be able to handle it without breaking like this.  Which is why we go over and over it with her. And we will keep going over this until she can handle whatever will be thrown at her."

 

"No!"  He said as he stood back from Marc.  "That's it, I'm done.  Do something else, because I'm not going to stand back and let you, or them, rip into her like that.  She's already gone through enough in her life.  So, you better draft a damn good NDA, and pay the mother fucker whatever he wants, because THIS is NOT happening."  He stepped around Marc and grabbed Julie by the hand and pulled her up.

 

"Harry."  Julie said meekly.  She looked up at him.  "We have to do this.  It's the only way.  You're the one who said that."

 

Harry looked at her face.  It was puffy and wet from her tears.  He reached his thumbs up and wiped her cheeks.  "I was wrong.  I can't watch you go through this. I can't see you badgered and belittled like this, Julie. And they said it would be even worse when his lawyers questioned you.  I can't let you do this.  Please."  His own tears were running down his face as he said it to her.

 

"He wants the money."  Julie said trying to catch her breath and stop crying.

 

"I don't care.  I don't care."  Harry repeated.  "I'll give him whatever he wants not to have to watch that again."

 

"Why don't we break for the day?"  Nate advised getting an agreement from Marc.  "We can come back tomorrow and see how we want to proceed.  It's hard.  I'm not going to sugar coat it.  There will be nothing easy, and they will try, hard, to knock Julie off of her game.  We're not doing this for any other reason than to get her used to the attack."

 

"No.  I've decided."  Harry said looking from her to his lawyers.  "I'm not letting her go through this."

 

"We'll be back tomorrow."  Julie said taking Harry's hand and putting her other hand on his chest.  "We'll be here."

 

"Julie."  Harry looked at her, pleading with his eyes.  He did not want to witness this again.  He didn't want to think about what was going on behind the closed doors if he wasn't in the room.

 

"We have to, Harry."  Julie said.  She looked at Nate and Marc.  "Thank you.  For trying to help.  We will be here, or at least I will be here tomorrow.  We'll decide what's best."

 

Harry took a deep breath and laced his fingers through hers.  He needed to find a way to convince her to let him pay this bastard off.  There had to be a way.  This was too much.  Fighting was one thing, but this was over the top.  The way even his own lawyers tore into her and twisted everything she said.

 

The drive home was quiet.  Harry was having a hard time with all of this.  He felt like he was breaking inside and all he did was witness the last bit.  He pulled up to Niall's house and walked around to let Julie out of the car.  He escorted her into the house and shut the door.  "Julie?"  He asked as she walked down the step and to the front room.

 

Julie stopped and turned around.  She watched Harry walk up to her and she put her hands on his chest.  "Yeah?"

 

"I can't let you do that.  Please don't ask me to."  Harry said pleading with her with his eyes.

 

"You know that we have to."  Julie replied stepping closer and wrapping her arms around his waist.  "I have to learn how to control my reactions.  To stop falling into the traps."

 

"But, that's...."  Harry didn't even know how to respond.  "They shouldn't be able to do that.  They are there to help you, not drag you down before you even go into court."

 

"They are helping me, Harry.  Imagine how bad it would have went if I wasn't prepared at all for the onslaught of those questions."  Julie reasoned.

 

"But, I can't."  Harry told her.

 

"I know hearing some of these things is hard on you.  I know that you haven't heard every single detail of my relationship with Johnny.  There are details I never would have brought up."  Julie said to him.

 

"Like the fact he asked you to marry him?"  Harry asked.

 

Julie took a deep breath and then walked to her room with him leading the way.  "Yes, like that."  She said as she watched him sit on the edge of her bed.  She walked up to him, and he pulled her onto his lap burying his head in the crook of her neck.  "He asked, and I said no."

 

"Then what happened?  As soon as they asked.  I saw that look on your face."  Harry mumbled into her neck.

 

"Harry, what does it matter?  You know all that you need to know.  Why torture yourself with more details of things that happened?"  Julie asked rubbing over his back gently.  She watched him pull back and look up at her.  "He beat me, worse than he had ever done before.  Telling me how much of an ungrateful bitch I was and that I would never be able to find someone who would put up with me the way that he did.  And that if I tried, then he would make sure that no one was able to have me."

 

Harry shook his head.  "I'm done with this.  Julie, I will do whatever it takes so that this never has to go to trial.  So, you don't have to face him.  So, you don't have to think about him ever again.  I don't care what it takes."

 

"Let's have some dinner and relax for a bit.  We can talk about this later.  I am drained.  I'm worn out.  I'm hurt and confused.  But, I'm not sure this isn't the right thing to do."  She kissed his lips.  "Thank you for trying to protect me through everything.  But you may just have to sit back and let this happen."

 

"I hate this."  Harry nuzzled his face back into the crook of her neck.  "But, we will talk about it later."  He wasn't convinced he wanted to let her go through this.  Watching the examination today and seeing what she would be subjected to were too much, and they were his own lawyers.  But he would talk it out with her.  Decide, with her, what the best course of action would be.  He needed to do that for her.  For them as a couple.  But, they would now discuss other options.  Because that had been hell on him, and it had to be even worse on her.  Fuck this sucked.

 

So, any thoughts?Is she doing the right thing?Is she strong enough to do this?Is Harry strong enough to let her?Let me know! Thanks for reading! 😘😘


	73. Chapter 73

Harry reluctantly went along with his lawyers, and his stubborn ass girlfriend, with the idea that the trial was still the best idea to get Johnny out of their lives for good.He had accompanied Julie to each of her appointments from that day forward and refused to leave the room through the 'prep' his lawyers made Julie endure.He had interrupted multiple times when they crossed the line in his eyes.The way that they went after Julie was ridiculous in his judgement.He didn't think they should be allowed to question her in a way that belittled Julie, which might lead them to think she was crazy, and he thought surely a judge would stop Johnny's lawyers from attacking her like that.Wasn't there a law against badgering a witness?After two weeks of these examinations, the trial was scheduled to begin today.

 

It was only 6 am, and Harry was up making coffee and breakfast.Julie was still asleep, but she hadn't been for long.Harry had been up with her until about 4:30 am.It was just impossible to sleep knowing the events that would take place today.They had avoided talking about today in detail, but it was on both their minds.Harry had given up about 15 minutes ago.He was too restless to fall asleep.He decided that even though no one would really have an appetite, breakfast would be good for everyone.He had to search around Niall's kitchen a bit, but he did find all the ingredients he needed.He was making Julie's go-to big breakfast.Mushroom and cheese omelette with toast and a side of fruit.If he could have figured out how to make her home fries, he'd have fixed them too.

 

Harry started cooking for Julie, himself, Niall, and Amanda.It kept him busy; it didn't make him forget about the day, but it did keep him from strictly obsessing over it.He was trying really hard to figure out a way that they could avoid going into that courthouse today.There was still time to offer the payoff, and the closer it got to them attacking Julie on the stand, the more he was convinced that it was the better thing to do.He took a deep breath and let it out slowly.He looked up when he heard someone coming into the kitchen."Hey, Amanda.You're up early."

 

"Yeah, so are you," Amanda said sitting on the stool across the counter from Harry."Couldn't sleep?"She leaned her arms on the counter and then laid her head on her arms."I know the feeling."

 

"You want some coffee?"Harry asked.He grabbed a mug and set up the Keurig and made Amanda her favorite kind."Niall still asleep?"

 

"Yeah, we were up pretty late. He was listening to my ramblings about how we needed to stop this from happening."Amanda sat up and took the mug from Harry."Thanks for this."She took a sip."Niall thinks we need to let this play out.I figured I'd have a better chance of getting you to agree to kidnap JJ and whisk her away to another country."

 

Harry laughed lightly at Amanda's plan."Yeah, can't say that I haven't thought about it.But it would just delay the inevitable, I have a feeling."He flipped the omelette he had in the pan and started to prep another.

 

"How's she doing?Really?"Amanda asked."I know she's hiding a lot from me because I'm dealing with the wedding.And as admirable as that is, it's driving me absolutely insane not to know.And I blame you for letting her hide it from me."

 

"Whoa.Don't you come after me!You know damn well if I would have come to you, she would have started hiding it from me so that it didn't get to you.I figured I'd better take what I could get."Harry shrugged.

 

"Ok, fine.I'll give you that.But today is the day.She isn't going to keep me away today, no matter what she does. So, could you answer my question, and tell me how she's really doing?"Amanda pressed.

 

"She's....well, she's...."Harry sighed and looked at Amanda."I'm not sure really.Sometimes she seems like she's good.Like she's accepted this, and she's ready to take this on to get control of her life back.And sometimes, I find her crying when she doesn't think I'm awake or if she doesn't realize I'm there.She wants to be strong, she wants to be good with this, but I'm not sure she is completely."

 

"Could you be ok with it completely?"Amanda asked running her hand through her hair."I mean, I know you're not.But, in her shoes, do you think no matter if you thought it was right or not, could you be completely ok with it?"

 

Harry shook his head and grimaced. "No, I'm far from ok with it.And I'm sure that I don't feel anything compared to how she feels."He turned towards the stove to finish the eggs.This was seriously becoming way too much for him.

 

Amanda watched the muscles in Harry's back tense through his t-shirt.She knew he was having a hard time with this.And everyone was avoiding the elephant in the room."Harry, are you going to be able to handle him being in the same room as you?As JJ?"She watched Harry's knuckles become white while he gripped the spatula.She knew the answer, but she had to ask.No one, not even she and Niall had brought up the fact that Johnny was going to be there, in the same place as JJ, and the rest of them.

 

"No."Harry replied through clenched teeth."But, I don't have a choice, now do I?That motherfucker deserves to be treated the way that he treated her for years.And now, to come back and try to blame her.I swear, Amanda, I've never been inclined to knock someone out as much as I am in this moment."

 

"That attitude isn't going to keep you in the courtroom long enough to support JJ through this, Harry," Niall said walking into the kitchen.He kissed Amanda and then walked around to make himself a coffee."As hard as it's going to be, our job is to tell the truth if asked and be there for her when she's questioned by Johnny's crack ass legal team."

 

"So, tell me how he could afford to have lawyers like this?"Amanda asked."Like, he got the payoff for the crap story, but no way that could have afforded him this."

 

"My guess," Niall answered turning with his coffee and going to sit next to Amanda."Is that he was hit up by the attorneys for a percentage of whatever he gets, and they may have been betting we'd just pay up and not go to court."He took a sip of his coffee and shrugged as he sat next to Amanda.

 

"Of course."Amanda sighed and looked at Niall."Everyone's just out for a payday, aren't they?"

 

"Unfortunately, that's usually how it works," Niall answered as he looked at the plate Harry stuck in front of him."Thanks, Harry."

 

"I don't know how you guys take this stuff, I imagine that it's commonplace for crap lawsuits when you have money and fame."Amanda smiled at Harry when he gave her a plate."Looks good, Harry."

 

"Yeah, lawyers usually just handle it, none of it holds much merit," Harry said as he placed his and Julie's plates on the counter.He thought for sure she'd be up and out here by now.They had to be to the courthouse by 9 am.He needed to go check on her, but he was stalling.Now that she was alone he wasn't sure he wanted to see the shape she was in."I need to go check on her, don't I?"He asked Amanda.

 

"Someone probably should.And, right now, I think it has to be you."Amanda answered."Even though you think she's trying to be strong for you, for me and for Niall she's trying even harder."

 

"No one has to come check on me," Julie said as she walked into the kitchen area."For fuck's sake, would you people stop talking about me behind my back?"

 

Amanda shook her head."You're driving me mad."She looked up at JJ as she walked over to the coffee machine.

 

"Yeah, well, welcome to the club.I've been mad almost my whole life."Julie gave Harry a small smile as she made her coffee."Thanks for breakfast."

 

"Of course," Harry said leaning down and kissing Julie gently on the lips."Do I have to ask how you slept?"

 

"No, probably not," Julie said leaning her back on the counter."However, I guess I don't have to ask you either since breakfast is already done," Julie responded taking a sip of her coffee and looking over the mug at Harry.

 

"Yeah, guilty here.I couldn't sleep at all."He tilted his head and looked at her."And to be honest, my stomach is in knots, and all of this food I made, I don't think I'm going to be able to eat any of it."

 

Julie took a deep breath and set her mug on the counter."I'm sorry."She took another deep breath."I'm so sorry to bring this all to you."She tried to stop herself from crying.She hated being so emotional.She was trying to compartmentalize this and thought she had been doing a good job, especially when anyone was around, but she wasn't doing such a good job now.

 

"No."Harry moved to her quickly and took her biceps in his hands and bent down to look her in the eyes."Please, don't do that.It's not your fault.It's his.And it will always be his.You didn't bring this to us; he did."

 

"But, if it wasn't for me, you wouldn't be anywhere near this.If I would have just been able to go off on my own and not bring anyone else into my life, none of you would be here.None of you would be having to go through this."Julie sniffled.All this emotion was hurting her chest.

 

Harry pulled her into his arms and hugged her tightly."Baby, please, that's not what I meant.I didn't mean for you to put blame on yourself."He felt the tears filling his own eyes, but he wanted so much to be strong for her in this moment. She needed him to be strong, and damn it, he was going to be.

 

Amanda cleared her throat from the tears in them before she spoke."We've told you over and over again, JJ.We don't blame you.We love you, and we don't want to think about a life without you in it.Your past shouldn't define you, and that includes this asshole who thinks he can."

 

Harry put his hand on the back of Julie's head and held her close to his chest."Let me just write a damn check.Let me pay him to go away.Let's pay him if he signs the legal papers that say he can't ask for more, that he can't contact you in any way, ever again.I'll pay whatever it takes, Julie."

 

"No," Julie said pulling back from him slowly."I'm doing this."She tried to steady her breathing."I'm going to do this.I have to."She gritted her teeth while she sniffled and turned and grabbed her coffee, but she had to hold the mug with both hands since she was shaking so badly.Why did Johnny have to do this to her now?She had started feeling free, strong, and there was this joy of belonging, of family she'd never felt.And now, just another hit.She felt like she was punched in the chest, and she couldn't breathe.The onslaught of questions she'd undergone by the lawyers for weeks had been brutal.She had thought every day that there was no way it could get any worse, but Harry's lawyers surprised her time and time again. The courage it took to respond to their demeaning questions had both irked her and undermined the strength she thought she had. But she had endured, and there was a moment, during one particular grueling session when she had stood her ground and seen the look that passed between the attorneys who had been watching the exchange with the one playing the role of Johnny's lawyer. They had looked pleased, satisfied, and that gave her the courage to keep going. She knew she was going to need that courage when the actual trial began.

 

"Julie."Harry sighed and looked at her, returning her to the present moment.He was going to protest more, but it would just make it harder on her."You wanna try to eat something before we get ready?"

 

"Yeah, I'll try.Just, don't try to stop me from doing this right now.Please."Julie requested sitting down next to Amanda.She pulled her plate towards her and picked at her food.Everyone picked at their food.Even Niall.But no one said anything while they sat there.After about half an hour, everyone just gave up.They cleaned up breakfast and went their separate ways to get ready.

 

Harry watched Julie every second.From the moment she stepped out of the shower to get dressed, he watched her put on a plain grey pants suit with a small necklace and nothing else.She pulled her hair back into a loose ponytail and applied light make up.She stopped and looked in the full-length mirror and sighed.He walked up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist looking at her in the mirror."You look beautiful.You always look beautiful."

 

"I'm supposed to look average.Plain.Nothing exciting."Julie said pulling the suit jacket down by the ends. Harry's attorneys had even coached her on what to wear.

 

"There's nothing plain and average about you," Harry said spinning her towards him.He lifted her chin and kissed her lips lightly."I'm going to be there for you every minute.If you need me, I'll be right there.If you need to know you're safe and someone loves you, look at me."

 

Julie nodded and tried to control her emotions, her breathing."I don't need to start crying already.Just, help me be strong, ok.I can't break right now.I can't promise I won't after, but right now, I need your strength to help me be strong."

 

"Of course, my love," Harry said maintaining eye contact and taking a deep breath."I will do everything I can to help you through today."

 

"We all will," Amanda added walking into Julie's room with Niall."Louis and Liam are going to be there, too.They said they weren't called to testify, but they are going to be there for support."

 

"They shouldn't come.There's no need.It will just cause more media for you guys.Please, I don't want to cause so many problems."Julie couldn't keep out the qualms in her voice. She really did not want this case to draw a lot of attention. And with all the guys there, it she began to worry about all the media and fans who would come to the scene.

 

"Don't worry.We've already gotten a private trial approved.There are no cameras allowed into the courtroom.We've got a way in and out so that we don't have to be seen."Niall assured her."You need everyone you can get in that courtroom."

 

"I don't know why you didn't let your parents come, JJ," Amanda stated to her."They wanted to be here."

 

"I know," Julie said taking another breath and walking to get her bag."But he would have just used them.He knows them, and it's just not a good thing.I don't want them to have to go through that.I'll see them when this is over.Harry agreed to go back home with me for a couple of days on the way to Ireland.I just couldn't take seeing anyone else hurt right now.The lawyers have already gotten their statements that go along with the medical records.They didn't need to come here for this."

 

"Julie."Amanda started.

 

"No.Amanda.Please.Just let it go."Julie put her bag over her shoulder and looked at Amanda."It doesn't matter now.They aren't here, and the trial's today.Just let it go."

 

"Ok, ok, you're right.I'm sorry."Amanda sighed.She understood, but still felt that JJ should be surrounded by as many people as she could right now.However, she also knew Julie's reluctance.She didn't want to hurt so many people."Let's go do this then.We've got this."She stated confidently and grabbed JJ's arm.

 

"Yeah, sure we do," Julie said glancing in the mirror one more time and then walking out the door with Amanda.Niall and Harry locked up and followed behind.The car ride over to the courthouse was as silent as breakfast.No one knew exactly what to say.When they were getting closer, Julie started to get nervous.This was becoming too real.She had pushed aside the thought of actually having to face Johnny in court.But now that they were almost there, she was starting to panic a bit.Coming face to face with him was not something she wanted to do, ever.And now it was happening today.The driver dropped Niall and Harry off at the back entrance and then drove around to the front to let Amanda and Julie out.The last thing Julie wanted was to have anyone get pictures of her with Harry now.She knew it was silly, but it just seemed like the little bit of control she could have.

 

Julie stepped out of the car and walked towards the courthouse with Amanda.There were some people there and a few cameras, but she honestly thought it would be worse.She thought for sure Johnny and his lawyers would have made sure that the press was aware of what was happening today.

 

"Are you ready for this?"Amanda asked as they ascended the final step to the door and opened it.

 

"Not at all," Julie admitted as she walked towards security."I think I've forgotten everything that the lawyers told me to do."

 

"No, you haven't.It's there, and you know it.Besides, you have truth on your side.Remember that.You can't dispute the truth."Amanda said as they made their way through security and got their bags back.

 

"Yeah, well, what I've learned through hours and hours of questioning is, that if you confuse someone, it doesn't matter if it's the truth, because it sounds like a lie.And he got to the media first.Everyone always believes the first one to talk."Julie advised placing her bag back over her shoulder.

 

"Stop being so pessimistic," Amanda responded and just shrugged when Julie looked at her."Look, we don't have anything else.So, positivity is what we're going with."

 

"Yeah, sure, ok."Julie said sarcastically."Because that's going to get me out of this mess."

 

"Maybe not, but it can't hurt.The truth is going to get you out of this mess.Including everything that I saw.And that the boys saw.And the medical reports and the testimony from your family back home."Amanda continued.She needed JJ to believe that this could work; otherwise, it truly was going to be a disaster.

 

"Alright, Panda.I will try to be as positive as I can.But can we maybe just back down slightly on the annoying?"Julie asked her getting in the elevator to go up to the trial room floor.All of this – the procedure she knew she'd be enduring, this building and what it meant, and especially, seeing Johnny - was quite intimidating, and she was starting to get more and more anxious the closer they got.Amanda did stop with the pep talk on the way up the elevator.She was watching the numbers just as Julie was.Julie took a deep breath and saw Amanda do the same as they stepped out of the elevator.Here they were.They would spend the whole day here trying to prove that Julie was telling the truth about what Johnny had done to her.Trying to prove that it was him who caused his own problems and not Julie. Having to talk about the years of ridicule and abuse and the physical pain to total strangers. Julie swallowed hard.

 

"Ok, JJ.We got this.I'm going to be here every step of the way.So will Harry and Niall."Amanda stopped JJ and put her hands on JJ's arms."Believe in yourself.Believe in the truth.And just let the system work.And by the time we're done with this, whether it's today, or tomorrow, or next week.You'll see.Things will be different."Amanda was talking to convince herself as much as she was JJ.

 

Julie nodded to Amanda and was just about to say something when she heard her name.It immediately sent a chill down her spine.How did he always find a way to get close to her when he wasn't supposed to be able to?She clenched her jaw and turned towards the voice she'd heard.She put her hand on Amanda's forearm to stop Amanda from stepping in front her.She raised her eyes to Johnny but didn't dare say anything to give away the fear she was feeling.

 

"Well, honestly I can say I'm surprised to see you here," Johnny said slowly walking towards Julie and Amanda."Didn't figure we'd actually get this far."He stopped just far enough away.He didn't want to press his luck.

 

Julie just nodded.She didn't want to give him anything he could use during the trial.Anything to show she was shaken by his presence.She took Amanda's hand and turned to walk towards the door.

 

"You know there was an easier way to do this.I didn't want this either.You look good, by the way."Johnny said to her as she walked away.

 

Julie paused and was about to turn around to respond when she heard her name being called from in front of her.She looked up to see Harry and Niall coming towards her.No time to deal with Johnny now.She didn't want Harry to get sight of him.Harry was the most gentle man that she knew, but if he got ahold of Johnny, she wasn't sure what he would be capable of, and she didn't want Harry to have to live with that the rest of his life.She decided to ignore Johnny and hurried towards Harry when he practically broke into a run when he saw who she was talking to.She grabbed his arm and turned him around to walk towards the courtroom.

 

"Julie!"Harry said as he tried to turn back around."What is he doing?Why was he able to get up here unaccompanied?Isn't that a violation of your order of protection?"

 

"Not today, Harry.We have to be in the same place.I figured he'd have his lawyers with him, but I guess since he's not in custody, he's free to wander wherever he wants."Julie stated as she kept hold of Harry's arm."He wants to get to you.Please, just don't play into his game.For me.Please."She pleaded with him.

 

Harry hated it.Seeing Johnny right in front of him reminded him of the things he could do to that guy.Make him feel the way Julie had felt every time Johnny had hit her.But he had to think of Julie. She was his first priority."Of course, I'm sorry."He looked from Johnny into Julie's eyes."I'm good.How are you?"He ran his hand down her arm.He could feel the tenseness in her muscles."It's ok, baby.You're safe here."

 

Julie nodded and tried to stay calm.She knew Johnny was trying to work her up.Trying to throw her off her game.And that comment about how she was looking good.Really?He never said that when they were together.Why now?She started to walk with Harry, Niall. and Amanda to the room they were assigned when she heard Johnny laugh.She turned around to hear him say, 'ah if it isn't another superstar that fell for her sob story.'She looked up to see Zayn walking in with his attorney and walk straight towards Johnny.She looked up at Harry and knew he wouldn't like it, but she moved towards Zayn."Zayn, don't.Please, it won't do any good."She said as she stepped up to him.

 

"He has no business being here, being anywhere you are without reason."Zayn said angrily.

 

"I'm not sure why you're here.I thought they made it clear that you didn't have to testify."Julie addressed Zayn.

 

"Yeah, they did.But there was no way I wasn't going to tell everyone what I saw when I came out that back door.Doesn't matter how uncomfortable anyone else will be.They can hear it straight from me instead of in some document entered into evidence."He looked over at Niall, Harry, and Amanda and could tell that Harry wasn't thrilled that he was there, but it didn't matter.Right now, this was about Julie and Johnny.And he had been the first one, other than Amanda,outside in Vegas.He had seen more than anyone else.

 

"I appreciate your help.But, let's just do this the right way."Julie said pulling on his arm to get him to walk away with her and his attorney.She heard Johnny make some more snide remarks as they walked away, but fortunately his attorney found him and began giving him a bit of a scolding for talking to her before the trial.Something about if he wasn't careful he could hurt his case.Johnny didn't seem to care.

 

And in that split second, Julie saw it – Johnny didn't care how he might come across. That might work to their advantage. But first things first. She stopped in front of Harry and looked from him to Zayn. Strangely feeling a bit calmer now that she was having to deal with this potential drama. "Is this going to be a problem?Because, if I'm honest, I'm not sure I can handle any additional problems right now."She heard both Harry and Zayn say no at the same time, but the glares shared between the two of them didn't convince her."Yeah, so, let's just get this over with, I guess."She said as she walked into the courtroom ahead of everyone.

 

He has arrived!!  Wonder how this is going to go down!  Thank y'all for continuing to read.  I hope you enjoy!! 😘


	74. Chapter 74

Julie walked up to where her lawyers were seated and sat down when Marc pulled out her seat.She was sat in the middle of them, and she was grateful for that.She had a feeling they had done that on purpose.Both the attorneys were very kind and very smart, and they knew what they needed to do to make the biggest impact.To give the best chance of winning the case.She hated taking advantage of Harry's privilege.But right now, she was forever grateful he had these lawyers at his disposal.She set her bag down and turned to look behind her to see if she could see Harry, Niall, and Amanda.

 

Once she spotted them sitting behind her with Zayn slightly off to their left, she let out a breath and turned back around.She made the mistake of glancing over at Johnny, smug smirk plastered right across his evil face.He really thought he was going to walk in here, scare her enough, and go home with Harry's money.Like, seriously?In the whole time they were together, did he not know her at all?Did he not understand that she was not going to let anyone bail her out again and again?If she'd had known about the first NDA, she would have very forcefully advised Harry not to go through with it.She shook her head and looked away when Johnny caught her eye.

 

Julie stood with her lawyers and the rest of the court room, when the judge made his way to the bench.Her heart was pounding so hard right now, she was sure that the whole room could hear it.She had convinced herself through everything she'd gone through from the time she'd received the court notice until this moment, that this was the right thing to do.Right now, however, was the first time she began questioning her decision.Right now, was the first time she wasn't convinced she would be able to get through this whole thing.The love of her life, her best friends, her friends, acquaintances, her enemy, and complete strangers were all sitting in this court room.Where soon, she would be spilling her deepest, darkest, most haunting memories.She didn't want to face this.

 

Julie looked down at her hands when the tears gently spilled over onto her cheeks.She didn't want anyone to see them.She didn't want Johnny to see them.To see her weakness.He always thought her weak, and she did not want to help him with that assumption.Then again, maybe that could work to her advantage.Maybe, he would underestimate her and let his guard down.And she could sneak in and take control of this whole situation.She just had to sit back and wait.She wasn't sure how long this trial would take, but they were expecting 3-5 days.There was no jury, as both sides had agreed to let the judge make the verdict.Julie wasn't sure that was for the best; however, the less people involved with Harry, Niall, Zayn, Louis, and Liam being included was for the best.How on earth the trial deliberations needed to last that long, she wasn't sure.After the proceeding began, she realized why.Opening statements seemed to drag on forever, and they didn't even get through all of them before lunch.The afternoon was spent with the lawyers from both sides basically bickering about certain evidence and what could be allowed in and what could not.Certain other things that Julie didn't quite understand.They never even got to one testimony that day.

 

The next morning, everyone arrived at the same time and ushered themselves into the courtroom, taking the same seats as they had the day before.Julie was wearing a similar pants suit as the previous day; only this time it was in navy blue.Don't stand out is what she had been told.Make sure to stay simple, believable.She had no idea why what she wore mattered, but at least she was comfortable.The morning started late as the lawyers met in the judge's chambers first to work out some unknown details and arguments, and by the time the day started in the courtroom, everyone already seemed on edge.Jesus Christ, Julie thought, everyone looked like they were beyond frustrated, and again not one person yet got up on the stand.Lunch came and went and finally the first witness was called.Johnny's lawyers had brought in a few of his friends, and some quack doctor he had Julie go to when they were together.None of them held much merit.Johnny's friends basically made generalized statements on how they never saw him lay a hand on Julie, how they never witnessed any abuse.How they thought Johnny was a great guy who supported her for years.Julie had to resist the temptation to roll her eyes quite often.She knew these friends; "reliable witness" was a term used very lightly with them.

 

The doctor, reliable also used lightly when it came to this guy, tried to make the argument that the times Julie was seen, her wounds were inconsistent with abuse, but with general klutziness.How there was no way that the injuries she presented with would be signs of mistreatment.This guy, she knew from the moment she saw him, that Johnny bribed him.She honestly wondered how he still had a medical license.Hell, maybe he didn't.Harry's lawyers easily took care of any threat that any of them could have posed to Julie.Not a good start for them as far as Julie could tell.Which was good for her.She had a feeling there was a lot more to come though.They had limited witnesses to call, so the judge called time on the second day, with Johnny being the first witness to be called the next morning.It was a very quiet and somber night at Niall's place.Dinner was ordered, but not much was eaten.Conversation was lacking, a movie was played for background noise, but no one paid attention.Everyone went to bed early, but no one really slept.Everyone anticipated the lies Johnny was going to be telling on the stand.And, it all had to be endured before any of the truth could come out.And Julie hated that.But, she only had to convince the judge.And she just needed to tell the truth.Now that she thought about it, she wasn't sure why Johnny went along with there being no jury.

 

************

 

The next morning, once again, Julie had on a pants suit, this time in black.She added a little color underneath with a light pink button up blouse.Again, very little makeup and her hair in a subtle loose bun on the top of her head.She took her place between her lawyers, who both gave her a bit of a pep talk.Told her they knew it would be hard to listen to Johnny's testimony but to try not to react too much.Not to give anything away, because Johnny and his lawyers would be looking to exploit any weakness on her part.Julie nodded and once again turned to look behind her.This time, Louis and Liam had joined the others.And Zayn was still there.He had been there every day.Julie was surprised as he wouldn't be called unless needed, and it wouldn't be until Julie's lawyers presented her side of the case.After the judge called order, Julie took a deep breath.She didn't even want to hear this man speak.She looked back when she felt a squeeze on her shoulder.Harry had reached up to comfort her.It was only for a second though, as her lawyers basically squeezed him out.They didn't want anything to work Johnny up.

 

Julie listened silently as Johnny's lawyer started questioning him about some of his background, when the two of them had met, how much time he and Julie had spent together, the time line of her moving in, and much to Julie's dismay, his undying declaration of love for her.She might have vomited in her mouth a little at that confession.Or, lie, rather.He couldn't possibly believe the shit coming from his own mouth, could he?He loved her with everything he had?What a bunch of....

 

She jerked her head up and shook herself out of her thoughts when his lawyers asked Johnny if he had ever hit her or put his hands on her, and he flat out lied saying he would never do such a thing to her.That he loved her more than anything and was only trying to help.That the pictures and medical records were fabrications on Julie's part to make her appear the victim.Julie wanted to leap from her chair and call bullshit right then and there, but realized her well learned restraint would do better for her at a time like this.She decided she'd better pay closer attention to his testimony though.

 

"Mr. Thomas, let us make this clear.You're stating that you never once laid a hand on Ms. Jackson?"Johnny's lawyer asked him waving his hand towards Julie.

 

"That's correct."Johnny lied, again."Like I said, I would never do that.I loved her, well, I LOVE her too much."He made sure to emphasize."All I wanted to do was take care of her, help her.I even saved her life."Johnny looked over sympathetically at Julie when he said it.

 

Julie gasped when he made that preposterous statement.He wasn't truly going to bring that up right now, was he?It was all a huge misunderstanding that he used to his advantage.She looked up and caught Johnny's eyes when he finished his statement and could see the smirk spread across his face.She knew in that moment she had given him an in.Julie could feel eyes on the back of her head.She hadn't spoken about that day to anyone.

 

"Would you care to elaborate on that, Mr. Thomas?"Johnny's lawyer asked.Giving him the opening to talk about that day in detail.

 

"Of course."Johnny said sitting up a little taller in his chair."I had come home one night, from work."

 

Lie number one.Julie tallied in her head.He hadn't been at work.He had been out with his friends, drinking, at some strip club.But sure, go on with your story.

 

"I had gone up to the bedroom because I knew Julie hadn't been feeling well.I wanted to check on her, make sure that she was ok, and didn't need anything.I opened the door quietly and stepped into the room.It was dark and quiet, and I thought she was sleeping."Johnny continued.

 

Lie number two.Julie kept count.He had burst through the door stumbling forward towards the bed and fell right on top of her, but hey, pretty close to the same thing, right?

 

"I felt her forehead and kissed it lightly and then went to shower so I could climb in bed with her.After my shower, I lay down and pulled her close so that I could make sure to wake up if she needed anything."Johnny feigned worry and left his tone quiet like the memory was haunting him.

 

Lie number three.What a wonderful story.However, the truth was, he went into the bathroom and proceeded to throw up all over the place, coming out and shoving her out of bed to clean it up.But again, close enough.

 

"When I woke the next morning, she was still asleep.I thought it was a bit odd, so I rolled over and kissed her head again.She felt cold and looked a little blue.I instantly tried to wake her up, and I couldn't.I freaked out.I was so scared.I sat her up and tried to get her to wake, but she just wouldn't.And I couldn't tell if she was breathing or not.I called 911, and while I was talking to the operator, I noticed some pain pills on the nightstand.The pill bottle was almost empty.I knew then, that she had taken too many and tried to kill herself."

 

Lie number four and the biggest one yet.But she couldn't say anything yet.She had started to, hell she wanted to, but one of her lawyers put his hand on her arm.She couldn't interrupt Johnny's testimony.Both of them whispered to her that they would have a go at him during cross examination, but they would make sure she had her say when she took the stand.She could hear the soft cries behind her.Harry, Niall, and Amanda.She hadn't told them about this day.But it was a lie.

 

"Go ahead, Mr. Thomas."Johnny's lawyer encouraged.Johnny had stopped to gauge Julie's reaction and was quite pleased with himself judging by the look on his face.

 

"Right."Johnny said clearing his throat and picking up where he left off."The 911 operator walked me through CPR until the ambulance got there and took her to the hospital.When the doctor talked to me, he said if I hadn't woken up when I had, she would have died.She was close.They had to pump her stomach and monitor her in the hospital for days.They had her on a 72-hour suicide watch, and after that, she had to attend counseling."

 

"What could have caused her to want to take her own life?"Johnny's lawyer asked him.

 

"Objection."Mark said standing on his feet."Speculation."

 

"Sustained."The judge answered."Rephrase or move on, please."

 

"Ok, Mr. Thomas, in your opinion, what would have caused Ms. Jackson to attempt to take her own life?"Johnny's lawyer asked.

 

"Objection."Marc said again."He would still be speculating."

 

"I'll allow it."The judge disagreed."Please answer the question, Mr. Thomas."

 

"Well, we were having relationship problems at that time.We weren't really getting along all that well, and at one point thought maybe it was time for a break.And that she would have to find some where else to stay while we worked through our problems."Johnny said solemnly."I don't think she wanted that.She was used to being taken care of, and by the looks of it, she still is."Johnny said looking poignantly at Harry.

 

"Objection!"Marc said rising to his feet.Before he could even continue, the judge said sustained.He told Johnny he needed to keep his side comments to himself and just answer the questions at hand.

 

"My apologies, judge."Johnny said, giving the judge a fake look of remorse.

 

Lie number five.Johnny never took care of her.She worked hard, every day.Six, if not seven days, a week and still came home and took care of him and his wants and needs.God, this sucked, she thought.Julie wanted to dispute everything that he was saying.She wanted to call him out on it the moment he'd said it, but she couldn't and that was the hardest thing to endure.She also wanted to turn to Harry and assure him that none of this story was true.She couldn't do anything but hope that Harry could read through Johnny's bullshit on his own.She clenched her teeth hard as she tried not to cry.

 

"My sympathies, Mr. Thomas, for having you have to relive that moment."Johnny's lawyer said picking up a manila folder and looking at it while Johnny nodded his head, looking as sad as he could in the moment."I understand, that after Ms. Jackson healed, you brought her back into your home and once again supported her?"

 

"Yes."Johnny said simply.As if it was the easiest answer he had to give."I needed to make sure that she was ok.I realized after that day, that I loved her completely and almost losing her made me realize that I couldn't live without her."

 

"Oh, come on."Julie heard from behind her in a deep raspy voice at the same time she heard bullshit come from a higher frustrated voice.Apparently, Harry and Amanda had, had quite enough right now.She looked back and shook her head when the judge banged his gavel and said quiet in the courtroom.She saw Niall lace his fingers through Amanda's and squeeze her hand and saw Liam elbow Harry.She glanced over at Louis to see him struggling to keep his mouth shut, his hands clamped tightly in his lap.Louis' temper was the one she worried about the most if she were honest.His bullshit meter was always on high alert, and his mouth could sometimes get him in trouble.She was actually quite proud of him.She looked further over and caught Zayn's eye.The look on his face made her think the words he was projecting to her were something along the lines of 'I could kill him, and I'd have no remorse'.Yeah, this wasn't going so well.

 

Julie turned back around and saw the smug satisfied look on Johnny's face.He wanted a reaction.She thought so far everyone on her side had been well behaved and very restrained, but she wasn't able to see the expressions as well as Johnny was from the stand.This day was already wearing her out, and all she had done was sit there and listen to Johnny speak.She took a deep breath as they broke for lunch.Julie's lawyers kept her pretty much locked up through the lunch period.They didn't want her to speak to Harry or anyone else at this point.They couldn't allow her body language to show any different.Or for her to try to explain anything to them right now.

 

After lunch, Johnny's lawyers continued with the questioning.They asked a few more details about her living with him after the 'suicide attempt', and then came to the next part Julie was dreading.

 

"Mr. Thomas, if I understand correctly, you also asked Ms. Jackson to marry you shortly after this, am I correct?"Johnny's lawyer asked walking closer to the witness stand.

 

"I did."Johnny said, again hanging his head like this was another story that hurt his heart to tell.

 

"And what did Ms. Jackson say when you asked her?"His lawyer said looking over in Julie's direction.

 

"She said no."Johnny said dejected.

 

Julie squinted her eyes and looked directly at Johnny.Was he really forcing tears right now?Oh, for fucks sake had he taken acting lessons recently?There had to be some reason for this performance, she thought incredulously."This guy.I swear.Ask him what happened next."Julie pleaded silently."Ask him how well he took that answer."

 

"She said no?Even though you saved her life and took care of her?"Johnny's lawyer asked astounded.

 

"Yeah."Johnny said.He sniffled a bit.

 

"How did that make you feel?"The lawyer posed.

 

"I was shocked.Hurt.I loved her so much in that moment and I wanted to make sure we could spend the rest of our lives together.I never wanted to live without her."Johnny raised a hand and wiped a stray tear from his cheek.

 

"And why do you think she said no?"Johnny's lawyer asked.

 

"I think, at that point, I could no longer provide her everything she needed.She wanted more.She wanted more money, more things, more status."Johnny said raising his eyes and looking at Julie and then Harry."She wanted a rich superstar.So, she came to LA to find one."

 

"Objection!"Marc said once again rising to his feet."Speculation.He couldn't possibly know the origin of Ms. Jackson's and Mr. Styles' relationship."

 

"Sustained."The judge said looking over at Johnny."Careful, Mr. Thomas."

 

"Yes, again.Sorry judge."Johnny said.

 

"I'm going to bring this up right away, Mr. Thomas.You had said, in a story that was printed, that you and Ms. Jackson were engaged.If she said no, why would you say that?"Johnny's lawyer asked trying to get ahead of the 'lies'.

 

"Because I thought of us as together, forever.I always thought we'd make it, and in my mind, I guess we had already committed ourselves to one another.And I wanted her to see that we could have been great together."

 

"Mr. Thomas, why did you come here today?"Johnny's lawyer asked him leaning on the side of the witness stand."Why are you asking for damages from Ms. Jackson?"

 

"I loved her, hell, I still love her.I've done nothing but want her to come home the whole time.And if she would, I'd still take her back."Johnny said looking over at Julie.

 

Julie's stomach lurched at the sound of those words coming out his mouth.He still wanted to get her home?She didn't buy into the sweetness, the longing in his voice.She just heard the words he wanted her home.That meant he wanted her to pay for everything she'd done.For everything she made others see.She started to shake as the thoughts of their relationship came back to her.Every fight, argument, and beating.Every broken bone, bruise, and scar.She covered her mouth with her shaking hand as a sob came out of it she couldn't control.

 

"But, you don't believe she'd come back to you, do you?"His lawyer asked him.

 

"No, I don't.She has it too good out here.Rich boyfriend, rich friend, she doesn't have to work, and she's taken care of.I did that for years.And what do I get for that?Dragged through the mud.She's told everyone all these lies about me, and how I beat her and abused her.She made it out to be my fault she left, but she left me because I wasn't rich enough, I wasn't powerful enough, and I couldn't give her everything she wanted."Johnny said getting a bit angry as he spoke."She now has this rich boyfriend. I should at least get back some of the money I spent on her while I supported her all those years."Johnny said.

 

"Objection!"Marc yelled."The witness is demeaning our client and again could not possibly know the situation!"

 

"Sustained!"The judge ordered a bit upset."Please control your client."He said to Johnny's lawyers.

 

"No further questions, your honor."Johnny's lawyer nodded to Johnny and then sat at the table.

 

Julie was a bit confused.She thought for sure there would be more.But she wasn't going to complain.She had pretty much had enough.If they didn't want to ask him any more questions, then she was ok with that.She looked up when Nate stood and walked towards Johnny.

 

"Good Afternoon, Mr. Thomas."Nate said."We will make this short.I just have a few questions for you."

 

"Ok."Johnny said looking at Nate a bit confused.He thought for sure that he would be bombarded with questions from Julie's lawyers.

 

"My first question is, were you compensated for the story that you gave to the newspapers?"Nate asked.He reached over and pulled out a stack of papers from a folder.

 

"Yes."Johnny said looking Nate square in the eyes.

 

"Ah, ok, I see."Nate said setting the papers back down."Handsome fee?"

 

"I didn't figure there was anything wrong with getting a bit of money from telling my story."Johnny said shrugging his shoulders.

 

"Ok."Nate said."Were you also paid, prior to selling your story, an amount by Mr. Styles to sign a Nondisclosure Agreement?"Nate then picked up another pile of papers from the table.

 

"Yes."Johnny said annoyed."I never said I didn't."

 

"So, selling your story was a violation of that NDA you signed, is that correct?"Nate asked.

 

"Yes, again, not a secret.I paid my fine."Johnny said smugly.

 

"Right, from that money you received from selling your lies?"Nate asked.

 

"Yes."Johnny said."Wait!No!They weren't lies!I got paid for selling my stories, but they weren't lies!"Johnny backtracked.

 

"Objection!"Johnny's lawyers said."Trying to trick my client."

 

"Sustained.Careful with your wording. counselor."The judged warned.

 

"Ok, last question Mr. Thomas."Nate said looking directly at him and staring him in the eyes.The pause seemed forever and Johnny seemed to squirm in his seat under Nate's intense glare."You swear, under penalty of perjury, that everything you have stated on the stand today is true?"

 

Julie noticed Johnny squirm and seem uncomfortable for a moment, but then he seemed to realize and caught himself.He corrected his posture and looked right back into Nate's eyes.

 

"Yes."Johnny said simply.

 

"That's all for today."Nate said."Oh, and we'd like to reserve the right to recall Mr. Thomas later, if needed."

 

"Granted."The judge said banging his gavel."That's all for today.Mr. McCormick, Mr. Benson, you'll be ready to call your first witness first thing tomorrow morning."

 

And with that, the first day of full testimony was over.Nate and Marc met with Julie and Harry after the day's proceedings.They advised Julie, Harry, and their friends shouldn't speak about the day in much detail.Both Nate and Marc needed Julie to be as fresh as she could be tomorrow.It would be a longer, tougher day, and they didn't need her worn out from discussing everything in great detail tonight.Julie had asked them why they didn't have any additional questions for Johnny today.That they could have filled the holes in his story with a dump truck.They said it was all part of the plan.They had enough to win the case, and then they would be able to prove he perjured himself.They didn't seem to be impressed with Mr. Thomas.Lines had been drawn, and Marc and Nate were not playing.

 

Julie took Harry's hand and walked to the car with him.He didn't press her much at all.She told him that what Johnny said was nothing but lies, and Harry said he believed her.She could tell it was wearing on him, but they could work it out after the trial was over.The night once again was somber and quiet.No one wanted to do anything but crawl into bed and sleep the night away.If only it were that easy.

 

Thoughts?  Let me know you think....

Too easy on him?


	75. Chapter 75

The next morning Julie just wasn't in the mood to talk to anyone.  She kept going over in her head that she was about to get up on the stand and have to talk about everything that had occurred during her time with Johnny.  All the things that she'd endured plus everything that Johnny had brought up the day before.  Harry had tried to talk to her, to support her, to make her understand he was there for her, but she just couldn't accept it right now.  She was shut up tight.  The only thing holding her together was walking through things step by step in her mind and not letting her emotions get the best of her.  She was thankful for Harry, and Amanda, Niall and the rest.  She just had to do what she had to do to get through this day. Compartmentalizing was the only thing holding her together. They had arrived at the courthouse, and she went to her seat immediately without a word to the others.  She knew that it was hard on Harry.  She knew it was probably hurting him, but she would make it up to him later.  Right now, she was in survival mode.

 

Everyday so far, she had turned around and looked to see who was sitting behind her.  Made sure Harry and her friends were where they always were.  Today she couldn't.  She realized that she had told them about most of her history with Johnny but talking about it in great detail with them present, walking through the feelings and the reasons, was just too much for her right now.  Julie took a deep breath when Marc got up and spoke to the court.  He was going to call a couple of expert witnesses first, and then maybe Amanda and Zayn.  They had seen the most in Vegas.  Marc made quick work of the doctors he called to the stand.  They disputed the expert witnesses Johnny's lawyers had brought to testify.  Stating that the wounds shown in the pictures and the medical records entered into evidence were definitely signs of being physically abused.  The doctors stated they had no doubt beatings had occurred and thought it was a ridiculous notion that the doctors testifying on Johnny's behalf had said it was because Julie was a klutz.  There was no way she could have run into things or fallen down and received those types of injuries.

 

The doctors did a good job of disproving all of Johnny's lawyers theories, and all the shady doctor's testimony.  Julie was starting to wonder why Johnny would do this.  Why would he come all this way and not have a real plan?  Did he truly believe that his sitting on the stand and trying to get sympathy would automatically win him this case?  Julie knew he was quite a bit of a self-centered narcissist, but this was a step above crazy.

 

Nate took over from Marc, and he decided to call Amanda to the stand.  He wanted the night in Vegas set.  He wanted the judge to hear what an outsider had witnessed that night before Julie gave her testimony.  It was hard for Julie to witness.  She could barely look up when Amanda was sworn in.

 

"Ms. Thornton, thank you for testifying today."  Nate said to her.  "I'd like to start by asking you to tell me how you came to see the scene in the alley in Vegas October 2014."

 

"Of course."  Amanda replied sitting up straight and folding her hands in her lap.  "Julie and I were in Las Vegas for the last performance of the tour for One Direction.  We went to a club to celebrate the end of the tour.  JJ, er, sorry, Julie and I went to use the restroom, and when I got back up to VIP and turned around, she was gone.  I turned around and went back down the stairs and asked security which way she'd went.  When they said she went out the backdoor with someone and I saw Harry still at the top of the stairs, I went to find her.  That's when I saw her with Johnny."

 

"Mr. Thomas was there with her?"  Nate asked her.

 

"Yes, he was standing in the alley with her, and he was saying some pretty nasty things about her."  Amanda continued looking over at Johnny.  "I knew, without having to be told, who he was."

 

"And what happened after you saw Mr. Thomas in the alley with Ms. Jackson?"  Nate asked.

 

"I ran up to them and tried to get her away from him.  He had her wrist in his hand, and I lost it.  I slapped him across the face."  Amanda said looking down at her hands.

 

"And what happened after you slapped him?"  Nate asked urging Amanda to continue.

 

"He let go of Julie and pushed her away."  Amanda said looking to Niall for comfort.

 

"And did he hit you?"  Nate asked Amanda.

 

"No, he didn't have a chance."  Amanda answered.

 

"Why not?"  Nate posed to Amanda.

 

"Julie came forward and instead of connecting with me, he connected with her.  He pushed her backwards, and she fell to the ground."  Amanda looked at Nate who nodded to her to continue.  "Johnny raised his hand to me, but by that time, Zayn had come out the back door.  Julie got up and grabbed Zayn's arm to stop him, but then Johnny had moved his attention from me to Zayn.  Johnny was more interested in wondering if Zayn was interested in Julie.  Security stepped in front of Zayn and stopped him."  Amanda said wiping a tear that fell as she was remembering this story in detail.

 

"Take your time, Ms. Thornton.  When you're ready please continue with the story."  Nate said.  He could hear grumbling behind him and turned towards Johnny and his lawyer.  Johnny was clearly unhappy someone was telling the full story.

 

"Julie came back over to remove me from the situation.  She was more worried about me in front of Johnny than her own well-being.  He grabbed Julie's wrist again and pulled her towards him, telling her that she was going home with him."  Amanda continued.

 

"And what happened after that?"  Nate asked handing Amanda a tissue.

 

"That's when the rest of the guys and their security came out."  Amanda looked at Nate.  "Harry, Niall, Louis and Liam, and their security team."  She stared at Johnny when she heard him scoff.  "Harry yelled to let Julie go and rushed towards Julie and Johnny.  Julie put her free hand on Harry's chest to stop him, and Johnny pulled her away roughly, and she fell again.  I slapped Johnny again, and Niall picked me up and carried me away.  And it was just complete chaos from then on.  Johnny trying to get to Julie to get her to go home with him.  Telling her she was a whore who Harry kept around because she was easy."  She looked at Julie, and the tears came freely now.  "He made her feel so low, so quickly.  And none of it was true."

 

"I'm sorry, Ms. Thornton.  Truly for you having to go through this.  Just one more question though."  Nate questioned her softly.  "What happened next?"

 

"Security separated Harry from Johnny and everyone was trying to figure things out.  Liam was trying to calm Harry, Louis was trying to calm Zayn, and Niall was trying to control me.  And when Liam finally got through to Harry, he turned to look at Julie, and she was gone.  She'd left.  Everyone had been so focused on law enforcement removing Johnny that we didn't even notice she'd left.  It's my only regret that night."  Amanda said looking from Johnny over to Julie.

 

"No further questions.  Thank you again, Ms. Thornton."  Nate said walking back towards the table.

 

Johnny's lawyer got up and walked up to Amanda.  "Ms. Thornton, is it?"  When Amanda nodded, he continued.  "So, the first thing you do, when you see the person who you THINK abused your best friend, is assault him, is that what I understand?"

 

"I slapped him."  Amanda said stiffening at the lawyer's accusation.

 

"So, assault.  And not only did you admit to assaulting him once, but twice within a short period of time."  The lawyer continued.

 

"I was protecting my friend from an abusive ex-boyfriend who thought he could come and drag her back to a place she didn't want to go.  I watched him hit her and push her down."  Amanda answered defending herself.

 

"But, didn't you slap him first?  And she was hit by accident, was she not?"  The lawyer asked.

 

"He meant to hit me, but hit her instead, so yes, I suppose she was.  But his intent was to hit someone."  Amanda said angrily.

 

"So, all this happened after you hit him?  So, you were the one who started the violence in that alleyway?"  The lawyer asked her.

 

"I was protecting Julie.  And she's the one that ended up with a concussion and thousands of dollars in medical bills because she stepped up and tried to protect me from him!  Why can't you see that?"  Amanda practically shouted.

 

"Objection!"  Johnny's lawyer yelled.  "Argumentative."

 

"Sustained."  The judge looked at Amanda.  "Please, just answer the questions asked."

 

Amanda nodded and looked down at her hands.  She didn't understand how this could be going so wrong.

 

"So, you were the first one to hit anyone in that alleyway?"  Johnny's lawyer asked.

 

Amanda started to say more but remembered what the judge said.  "Yes, I suppose so.  But he had her wrist already, and I was only trying to protect her from what I knew he was capable of."

 

"Something you had never seen on your own.  Something you were just told, two years after you met Ms. Jackson, and something you had no proof of.  That's what you were protecting her from?"  The lawyer asked.  "Because it seems like you had no proof of any type of abuse, that you never saw Mr. Thomas hit or abuse her at any time, yet the first thing you do is slap him when you see him.  Isn't that true, Ms. Thornton?"

 

"I didn't have to see it on my own.  I believed my best friend."  Amanda said.

 

"So, once again, you had no proof that this happened?  Just your friend's story?"  The lawyer asked.

 

Amanda started to protest but was warned by the judge just to answer the questions asked.  "Yes."  Amanda admitted.  Jesus Christ she had wanted to help Julie, and it was like this lawyer just made it seem like she'd started it and that Julie had lied about her story.

 

"No further questions."  Johnny's lawyer sat back down next to Johnny and whispered.  Johnny looked pleased with himself as he eyed Amanda.

 

"Redirect, your honor?"  Nate asked the judge as he stood.

 

"Granted."  The judge nodded towards Nate.  "Go ahead."

 

"Ms. Thornton, in your opinion, seeing what you saw when you walked into that alley, was Julie in immediate danger?"  Nate asked.

 

"I believed she was.  Yes."  Amanda said.

 

"Objection."  Johnny's lawyer stood.  "Speculation."

 

"He asked for her opinion counselor.  I'll allow it."  The judge answered.

 

"Why do you believe she was?"  Nate continued.

 

"He had ahold of her tightly.  Pulling her by the wrist.  And the things he was saying to her weren't friendly conversation.  Whether I saw him physically hit her or not doesn't matter.  There was no mistaken his intention."  Amanda finished.

 

"Thank you again, Ms. Thornton."  Nate nodded and gave Amanda a small smile.

 

"You may step down."  The judge advised Amanda politely.

 

"Call your next witness."  The judge addressed Marc and Nate.

 

"We call Zayn Malik to the stand."  Marc said as he looked over at Zayn.  Zayn stood and walked through the swinging door and up to the stand.  He looked at Johnny, and it took some willpower, but he looked away before his disdain showed in his eyes.   He raised his right hand and swore to tell the whole truth in his testimony.  He was advised that he didn't need to be called this morning, but he insisted that he would help.  He glanced at Julie who gave him a look like she wasn't pleased, but it didn't matter.  The way Johnny's lawyer had tried to turn Amanda's testimony around to blame the incident on Amanda had convinced him, more than ever, that he was right to give his testimony.

 

"Mr. Malik.  You were here and heard all of Ms. Thornton's testimony prior to your taking the stand, is that correct?"  Marc asked.

 

"Yes.  I did."  Zayn answered.  He glanced over at Johnny who was giving him a death stare.  Zayn had to stop himself from chuckling.

 

"So, we would like to hear from you, how your involvement started in all of this."  Marc addressed Zayn.

 

"I saw Amanda going towards the back door of the club as I was making my way back towards the VIP stairs.  I looked up and I saw both Harry and Niall standing at the top of the stairs, so I thought her going out back alone was odd.  I told security to let Harry and Niall know what I saw, and then I followed her towards the door myself."  Zayn explained the details.

 

"And when you got to the door and walked out, what did you see?"  Marc asked.

 

"First, I saw Julie on the ground, and when I looked to my right, I saw Johnny with his hand raised to Amanda."  Zayn explained.

 

"Let's make it known that Johnny, is Mr. Thomas, the plaintiff in this case."  Marc advised the court.

 

"Yes, sorry.  Mr. Thomas."  Zayn repeated.

 

"What happened after you stepped outside?"  Marc continued the questioning.

 

"I immediately went towards Mr. Thomas.  Julie grabbed my arm to try and stop me.  When he saw me, he dropped his hand and turned away from Amanda.  He asked if I was the 'supposed' guy that was interested in her.  If I was one of the crappy boy band members."  Zayn explained.  "I told him he needed to get out of there, and he needed to leave her alone.  That's when security stopped me."

 

"And after that, what did you see?"  Marc pressed forward.

 

"I saw Julie try to get Amanda to leave, and Mr. Thomas grab Julie's wrist.  When he did, Harry came out the back door and told him to leave her alone and went towards Julie who was still in Mr. Thomas's grasp.  Julie stopped Harry, and Mr. Thomas pulled her away which then knocked her to the ground.  And the rest of what Amanda said was exactly what I saw.  The things I heard him say to her, about her, were horrible."  Zayn finished quietly, his jaw tense at the memory.

 

Marc got Zayn to continue the story to show that his version of things was the same as Amanda's and then he rested his case.  Zayn looked over at Johnny when Johnny's lawyer came to cross examine him.  He was waiting to see how the lawyer would try to turn it around on Zayn.

 

"Mr. Malik, when you walked into that alley, was Ms. Jackson already on the ground?"  The lawyer asked him.

 

"Yes, that's correct."  Zayn answered.

 

"So, you never saw Mr. Thomas hit Ms. Jackson?"  The lawyer asked.

 

"I did not see him hit her directly."  Zayn admitted.  "I did, however, see him drag her so quickly and so hard that she fell a little while after that.  And then I saw the bruises on her face and her hip.  There was no question that she had been hit."

 

"But, you don't know it was Mr. Thomas, correct?"  The lawyer questioned.

 

"Who else could it be?"  Zayn questioned the lawyer right back.

 

"Answer the question, Mr. Malik."  The judge ordered.

 

"There's no question in my mind that it was Mr. Thomas."  Zayn spat out.

 

"Objection, your honor.  Complete speculation."  Johnny's lawyer protested.

 

"Mr. Malik, please keep your conjecture to yourself and answer the questions."  The judge warned.

 

"Mr. Malik, since you didn't see Mr. Thomas strike Ms. Jackson, is it a possibility it wasn't him who caused her bruises?"  The lawyer questioned.  "Isn't it a fact, that Ms. Thornton was the one who started with violence that night, and isn't it possible that before you got out there, she could have caused said damage?"

 

"No."  Zayn shook his head. 

 

"How can you say no, Mr. Malik?  Ms. Thornton is the one who instigated the violence, she's the one who, by her own testimony, stuck Mr. Thomas first.  Not only once, but twice."  The lawyer pressed.  "So, since you were not out there when Ms. Jackson was hit, isn't it possible that Mr. Thomas is not the one who caused Ms. Jackson's injuries?"

 

"You're wrong."  Zayn answered.  "Amanda would never hurt Julie.  If you were there, you would have known exactly what happened."

 

"But I wasn't, and neither were you, Mr. Malik.  No one besides Ms. Jackson, whom we are questioning the stability of, and Ms. Thornton, who perpetuated the violence, saw my client strike anyone.  On purpose or by mistake."  The lawyer stated.  "So, isn't it true then, Mr. Malik, that maybe it was not Mr. Thomas who caused those injuries?"

 

"You won't get me to say that.  It was obvious who caused what injuries.  It was obvious who was afraid of whom."  Zayn replied angrily.

 

"Your honor, please advise the witness, once again to only answer the questions asked.  And please strike his last statement from the record."  Johnny's lawyer looked up at the judge.

 

"Mr. Malik, please, this is your last warning, only answer the questions you are asked, no conjecture."  The judge ordered. He then ordered the clerk to strike the last statement Zayn had made.

 

"Mr. Malik, I will ask you one more time.  Is there a possibility that it was not Mr. Thomas who struck Ms. Jackson?  Is it possible that Mr. Thomas did not cause Ms. Jackson's injuries?"

 

"I did not see him strike Ms. Jackson directly.  However, I did see him knock her to the ground.  So, there were injuries caused by Mr. Thomas on that day, no matter how you spin it."  Zayn answered.  Damn he hated lawyers right now.

 

"So, it is a possibility that my client, Mr. Thomas, did not strike Ms. Jackson on the day in question.  Thank you, Mr. Malik."  Johnny's lawyer smiled smugly and walked back to the table.

 

Zayn clenched his teeth at the smug look on Johnny's face.  That fucker thought he was going to get away with this because of some misleading questions by his attorney.  He pulled his glare from Johnny and looked over at Julie who was staring at her lap, bringing one hand up and wiping a tear lightly from her cheek.  Fuck!  This guy had a lot of nerve.

 

Marc stood up.  "Redirect, your honor."  He walked up to Zayn when the judge agreed.  "Mr. Malik, in YOUR opinion.  Could the damage caused to Ms. Jackson been caused by Ms. Thornton?"

 

"No, not at all."  Zayn said.  "Julie's bruises were deep and caused a concussion.  Amanda's slap would not have caused her injuries.  And I know Amanda, Ms. Thornton.  She would never hurt Julie, Ms. Jackson.  Ever."

 

"No further questions, your honor."  Marc said retaking his seat.

 

"Thank you, Mr. Malik.  You may step down."  The judge advised.

 

Julie watched Zayn step down from the stand and walk by her.  She forced herself to look him in the eye.  He looked sorry.  She nodded gently at him and tried to give him a small smile.  He had tried to help.  And maybe he had, it wasn't his fault that Johnny's lawyers turned it around.  That's what they were paid for, she guessed.

 

"Your next witness?"  The judge asked Mark and Nate.

 

"Your honor, we request a recess before we call the next witness.  We will be calling Ms. Jackson herself next, and since it will take some time, we figure a break would be warranted prior to that?"  Nate asked standing.

 

"Agreed."  The judge banged his gavel.  "Let's take our lunch break now.  We will return at 1 pm to continue.  At that time, Ms. Jackson will take the stand.  Please keep the talk about the trial official.  No side bars, and please, no interaction between the plaintiff and the defendant.  I heard about your encounter, Mr. Thomas, prior to the trial starting, I do not want a repeat.  I will hold you in contempt."  The judge looked at Johnny, and then everyone stood as the judge left the bench.

 

Julie took a deep breath.  She sat back down in her chair to gather herself.  This was going horribly.  They hadn't questioned Amanda and Zayn for very long, and they did not call Harry and Niall.  She'd heard Harry ask why Marc and Nate weren't calling him to the stand, and they'd explained he was too emotional, and it would not have gone the way they needed.  She could tell Harry wasn't pleased he couldn't help, but he understood.  She stood up and turned when she felt Harry's hand on her shoulder.

 

"Let's go get some lunch, yeah?"  Harry asked looking down into Julie's eyes.  "A simple sandwich or salad.  I know you won't want to eat much, but let's get you something."  God, he felt bad for her.  The way that lawyer had turned Amanda's and Zayn's testimonies to make it seem like it was anyone but Johnny's fault was ridiculous.  He didn't blame Julie for feeling defeated, but he hated it.  He took her hand when she walked through the swinging door.  "Come on, trial talk free lunch."  He led her towards the door.  He couldn't wait for this all to be over.

 

Someone talk to me!Tell me what you think!

Thanks so much for continuing this journey!


	76. Chapter 76

After lunch, the judge wasted no time in getting Julie up on the stand.  She raised her right hand, put her left on the bible and swore to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.  It made her stomach turn to think about all the details she was going to have to speak about during her testimony.  The whole story she would have to tell.  Every painstaking detail about her past.  She had been working on it, but there were still things she was ashamed about.  She sat down and let out a deep breath.  She played with the tissue she had in her hands and waited for the first question to come.  God, she felt sick.  She hoped she could hold it together.

 

Nate walked up towards Julie and rested his hand on the front of the witness stand.  "Ms. Jackson, please, take your time.  If you need a moment, just let me know.  We'll take this at your pace."

 

Julie nodded at Nate and took another deep breath.  She wished she could have had a drink before she did this, but probably was not the best idea.  She looked anywhere but at Johnny or Harry, or anyone else.  She found a spot on the swinging door and focused her eyes there.

 

"Ms. Jackson, we've heard Johnny's story about how things went in your relationship.  We'd like to establish your side.  From the beginning.  Could you start on how old you were when you and Mr. Thomas met?  How old he was?  Please provide us with your version of the back story."  Nate asked gently.

 

"I was 19 when we met.  He was 26.  I had been out of high school just over a year.  We met at a mutual friend's family's house."  Julie recalled.  She hadn't thought about all of this in so long.  It was still hard for her to go back to that time.  "Johnny was friends with my friend's older brother.  We all were at their family's lake house for the weekend.  Johnny and I started talking, and we just seemed to hit it off.  I was wondering why someone older, and what I thought more worldlier, like him, would be interested in someone as young and naïve as I was, but he never made me feel that way that weekend.  When we went back home, we just continued to talk and then started dating, I guess; he asked me out, we went out.  And it just kind of went from there."

 

"And, we've established that you moved in with Mr. Thomas pretty quickly then?"  Nate asked Julie.

 

"Yes, we'd only been dating a short time before I moved in with him."  Julie admitted quietly.

 

"A short time, is 2 months, is that correct?"  Nate prodded Julie gently.

 

"Yes, that's right."  Julie said.

 

"That does seem like a pretty quick decision on your part."  Nate said trying to get Julie to continue.

 

"Yes, I know.  And looking back, maybe I would have made a different decision.  But it felt right at the time.  I was in awe of him.  I still couldn't believe that he would be interested in me.  He treated me like I was the best thing that ever happened to him.  We were spending all of our time together anyway, so when he asked, I just thought it was the right thing to do."  Julie said.  "I don't know.  I keep thinking back to that time, and I still don't see anything at that point that I should have seen.  Things were good.  I thought we were in love."

 

"In two months you thought you were in love?"  Nate asked.

 

"I was 19.  I didn't know how it worked.  It's not like I was all that experienced in love.  I didn't know what it was.  He was the first real relationship I had been in.  I'd had a few crushes and some casual dating in high school but nothing like I thought this was.  I trusted him.  I thought he knew so much more, and he told me how great it would be."  Julie remembered.  She was hating remembering any of the good in this relationship.  But the beginning had been good.  She didn't know at the time that he was working her in.  Making her trust him, get attached, love him so that she would stay when the true him came in.  It was like a game, and he'd played it well.

 

"So, you moved in and then things started to go bad?"  Nate asked her walking away from the witness stand.

 

"Not right away.  For the first four months, everything was a dream.  We'd work, come home, cook together, watch a movie, or decide on things we could do together on our time off.  It was like a scene out of a movie."  Julie reminisced.  It had been a great moment, and just like everything else, it had come crashing down around her quickly.

 

"What happened after that first four months?"  Nate led Julie where he wanted her to go on.

 

"Things changed, slowly at first."  Julie looked down at the torn-up tissue in her hand.  "I'd come home from work and cook myself.  He'd wander in later.  First telling me he was at work and then telling me it was none of my business where he was."  She took a deep shaky breath and tried to continue.  "Then one night I was late from work, and I didn't feel well, and I didn't start dinner.  I figured that he could order something or make something for himself since I didn't want to eat.  I climbed into bed and closed my eyes.  He came home a bit later and screamed up the stairs for me.  I jumped out of bed thinking something was wrong.  But when I came down, he was standing in the kitchen.  He was yelling at me wondering where his dinner was."

 

Julie took another deep breath and tried to stop the tears forming in her eyes.  "I tried to explain that I'd gotten home late and wasn't feeling well, but he wasn't hearing anything.  Next thing I know he threw the frying pan at me.  I had my arms crossed and wasn't expecting it, and it hit me in the shoulder and jaw.  He told me he was sorry, but I shouldn't make him angry.  He kissed my bruise and picked up the pan handing it to me.  He said he forgave me, and he would wait for his dinner."

 

Nate looked at her.  "And that was the first time it happened?"

 

"The first time I was physically hurt?  Yes.  But in that moment, I realized there were some things that he had said before that I should have picked up on.  Little slights here and there.  Things I realized were to groom me to his liking."  Julie said shaking her said.  "I was dumb and naïve."

 

"Objection."  Johnny's lawyer said.  "She's claiming to know exactly what Mr. Thomas was thinking at the time."

 

"Overruled."  The judge said.  "Your client got to explain his side of the story. It's her turn now.  She lived it, also."

 

Nate nodded at the judge and then continued.  "So, that was the first physical abuse you endured.  Was there more?"

 

Julie couldn't help but laugh a little.  "It never stopped after that.  Every time something wasn't perfect, every time something wasn't to his liking, if the house wasn't spotless, if dinner wasn't on time.  If I came home from work late, if I stopped for coffee with a friend, if I made plans without him approving them.  I just learned to deal with it."

 

"You learned to deal with being beaten?"  Nate asked Julie standing in the middle of the room.

 

"Yes."  Julie said moving in her seat a little.  "I just learned when to expect it.  Sometimes I was able to deflect it a little by giving him something else he wanted.  If I was able to see he was about to go off, I would try to overcome it with something else.  But if he figured out that's what I was doing, then I'd just get it worse."

 

"Something else he wanted?  Do you want to elaborate a little bit more on what you mean by deflect it?  Do something else he wanted?"  Nate asked.

 

"No, not really."  Julie said sighing deeply.

 

Nate looked over at Marc who then turned to look at Harry.  Marc leaned closer and whispered.  "I need you to stay quiet and not react."

 

Harry stared at Marc.  What the hell did he mean stay quiet and not react?  What was he about to hear?  How could he still be surprised?  "What?"  Harry sat back as Marc just gave him a nod and turned back to Nate.  Harry shook his head and prepared for whatever he was going to hear now.

 

"Please, Ms. Jackson.  Continue with the events that took place."  Nate encouraged.

 

Julie squeezed the tissue in her hands and took a minute to gather her thoughts.  "There was something, that would 'fix' things when they got out of hand.  I learned the hard way.  Whenever we'd have a fight, whenever he hit me, or pushed me, choked me, he'd always say he was sorry.  After I cooked dinner or cleaned up or did whatever I 'messed up' in the first place, he'd apologize.  He'd pull me close and kiss me.  It didn't take me long to realize that he thought sex would fix it."

 

"So, after he hurt you, intentionally, he thought you wanted to have intercourse with him?"  Nate asked.  He knew this was uncomfortable subject to talk about, but, as Julie's attorney, he needed to establish every part of her living situation.

 

"Yes.  I tried to stop him at first.  But it never worked.  He just got angrier.  We'd end up having sex anyway, and I'd get another black eye or bloody lip first."  Julie said so quietly that she could barely be heard in the back of the room.

 

"So, he forced himself on you?  He raped you?"  Nate asked.

 

"Objection!"  Johnny's lawyer jumped to his feet.  "Ms. Jackson and my client were in a healthy adult relationship. Intercourse would have been a consensual part of that relationship."

 

"Rephrase, please, Mr. Benson."  The judge advised.

 

"Ms. Jackson, did you ever end up having sex with Mr. Thomas when you didn't want to?"  Nate rephrased.

 

"Yes."  Julie said, taking a jagged breath.  She couldn't look up to meet Harry's eyes.  Or anyone's.  This was getting to be a bit overwhelming already.

 

Harry stood up quickly from his chair and all eyes turned to him.  "Come on!"  He couldn't help it.  "Why are you doing this?"  He asked his arm shooting straight out in front of him gesturing towards the courtroom.

 

Marc stood and tried to get Harry to calm down and take his seat.  "Harry, sit down.  Please, you can't react.  It has to be done."

 

"Order!  There will be order in the court!"  The judge yelled banging his gavel.  "One more outburst, and you will be removed from my courtroom!"

 

Harry looked at Marc.  "You're not supposed to be hurting her."  He sat down but was still angry.  Tense.  He looked up at Julie and then back to Marc.  "Damn it, I didn't pay you for this."

 

"Trust us, Harry.  Please."  Marc said calmly sitting back down.

 

"Continue, please, Mr. Benson."  The judge ordered giving Harry the eye before he looked back towards Nate.

 

"So, do you consider what happened, rape?"  Nate asked her.

 

"I don't know."  Julie said.  She shook her head.  They told her they might bring this up, but she had been hoping that they wouldn't.  "I just learned to give in, to save myself from other beatings.  I just turned myself off and learned to just be there.  Physically I was there, but my mind was elsewhere.  I'd pick a spot on the wall and just concentrate on it.  I'd think about anywhere but where I was.  It didn't matter if anything other than my body was there.  It was never about me, never about how I felt.  So, I guess it wasn't rape. I offered my body to save myself from additional pain."

 

Nate asked a few more questions about how often the abuse occurred, what the major triggers were, how she felt after it happened.  And then he moved on to the subject that Johnny had brought up.  The day he'd had to call 911 and 'saved her life'.

 

"Ms. Jackson, while he was on the stand, Mr. Thomas spoke about a time where he was convinced you tried to commit suicide.  Do you think you could, in your words, explain what happened at that time?"  Nate questioned walking back to the lawyers table and taking a drink of water.

 

"It wasn't how he said.  There was a lot more to it than that."  Julie explained, gritting her teeth bitterly.  "May I have a drink of water, please?"  The judge granted her a moment, and Nate brought her a glass.  He gave her a small nod to indicate she was doing just fine.

 

Nate took the glass back from Julie and returned it to the table.  "Ok, Ms. Jackson, can you tell your side?  In as much detail as possible, please."

 

Julie couldn't get over the disdain she had for this whole ludicrous show.  For Johnny putting her through this.  For him forcing her to remember everything that had happened before she came to LA. Just for money – and his ego. "Johnny forgot to mention how it all started.  Why I wasn't 'feeling well'."  Julie paused and took a deep breath.  "The night before, we fought.  Well, he fought, and I took it.  I had gone to get a drink with one of my co-workers who was leaving and starting another job.  We went to a restaurant and had a bite to eat and then I had one drink.  I knew I had to get home to make sure Johnny's dinner was done on time, so I left after the one drink.  I had come home and changed because I had spilled a bit of my drink on me when someone bumped into me."

 

Julie took another deep breath.  She didn't want to remember this at all.  But now she had to tell her story.  "Johnny came home and went up to shower.  Apparently, when he put his clothes in the hamper, he smelled the alcohol on my clothes and yelled for me to 'get my ass upstairs'.  I got to the top of the stairs, and he was holding my top out to me and screaming, 'what is this?!'  He shoved it in my face and made sure I knew that it smelled like alcohol.  I tried to explain that I'd just went to have a drink with someone who was leaving work.  He did it all the time.  I was still home in time to make his dinner.  He didn't like my explanation, so he grabbed my arm forcefully.  He continued to tell me how much of a selfish bitch I was and that I didn't have his permission to go anywhere that night.  How he knew I was just 'whoring around' trying to get attention from guys in bars."

 

Julie paused again.  It wasn't anything she wasn't used to hearing, but talking about it right now was hurting more than she thought it would.  And she'd figured it would hurt.  She looked up for a moment and saw Harry's face clenched and red.  He was extremely angry.  She locked eyes with him for a moment.  She wanted to make sure he stayed calm.  That he didn't do anything to get himself in trouble with the court.

 

"And then what happened, Ms. Jackson?"  Nate encouraged Julie to continue.

 

Julie broke her stare away from Harry and let out a breath.  "He pulled me closer to him, shoved the shirt back in my face and then shoved me backwards still telling me how horrible I was in a lot of colorful words.  I stumbled when he shoved me, and I fell down the stairs.  From the top all the way to the bottom."  Julie heard gasps from the courtroom, but she didn't want to look up to see who they'd specifically came from.  Yeah, guess there would be no 'secrets' after this.

 

"So, he pushed you down the stairs?"  Nate asked her.

 

"Well, he pushed me, I fell down the stairs."  Julie said.  Even to this day, she seemed programmed to say it was her fault.

 

"He pushed you, on the top of the stairs, which caused you to fall down them.  Ms. Jackson, he pushed you down the stairs."  Nate stated purposefully.

 

"Objection!  Leading the witness!"  Johnny's lawyer said.

 

"Sustained.  Mr. Benson, please move on."  The judge advised Nate.

 

"Yes, your honor.  Continue, please, Ms. Jackson.  What happened then?"  Nate asked.

 

"I was hurt.  Every part of my body hurt.  I didn't know if I had broken anything.  I had gotten pretty used to the pain from the normal stuff he did, but this was beyond anything I'd ever felt."  Julie explained.  She was trying to turn off the emotions.  She used to be so good at it.  Just explain without getting involved emotionally.  She wasn't as good at it anymore though.  She'd accepted her feelings too much since she'd met Harry.  No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't keep the tears out of her voice.

 

"He came down the stairs and told me to get up.  Said I was fine, and nothing was broken.  He grabbed my arm and pulled me up.  I could barely put any weight on my ankle, but he dragged me to the kitchen and had me finish his dinner.  When he was finished, I cleared the table and did the dishes, and he told me he was going out.  I didn't have to ask where. It was something he did every Thursday night with his friends.  I crawled up the stairs and climbed into bed.  He had come back about 30 minutes later and threw a bottle of pain killers at me.  I looked at them, and he swore they were legit.  He said he'd be back and then left again."  Julie continued.  She was speaking a bit faster right now.  She just wanted to get through this damn story without losing it completely.

 

"So, you took pain meds from him?"  Nate asked.  "Did you trust him?  Wonder where he'd got them from?"

 

"I took the pill out of the bottle and looked up online what the numbers should be on the pill and what they should look like.  It matched what was on the bottle, and it said that it was for pain.  I was desperate at that point.  I took the pill and tried sleep.  I took another a few hours later because it wasn't working well.  I knew if I left to go to the doctor things would just be worse when I came home."  Julie wiped the tears from her cheek.  "I wanted to just fall asleep.  I knew he kept a bottle of alcohol in his drawer, so I got up and hopped over to get it.  My ankle was black and blue and swollen.  I couldn't even put my toe down without pain shooting up my leg.  I grabbed the bottle and took a drink, and then another.  I had about two glasses worth and then crawled back into bed and took one more pill."

 

She heard the gasps in the audience.  She knew that they all thought she did it on purpose, but she hadn't.  She had just wanted to stop the pain and knew she would never get permission to go to the hospital.  How pathetic was she?  Waiting for permission after she'd fallen down a whole flight of stairs.  She just continued through the murmurs and gasps.  "I crawled back into bed and a few minutes later Johnny came stumbling in.  He wasn't at work, he was at a strip club with his friends, drinking while shoving dollar bills at practically naked women."

 

"Objection!"  Johnny's lawyer stood again.  "The witness was not with my client. She has no proof of where he was."

 

"Sustained."  The judge stated.

 

"Ms. Jackson.  You believe that Mr. Thomas was out at a club that night, and not at work like he stated."  Nate asked.

 

"Yes, that's what I believe."  Julie said, sniffling and trying to regain her composure.  "He came into the room and stumbled into the bed and onto me.  I gasped, and he told me to shut up and then went to the bathroom.  A little while later he came out and shoved me out of bed and told me I needed to clean up the bathroom as he had gotten sick all over it.  I struggled to do it, but somehow managed. I was afraid of what would have happened if I didn't get it done before he woke up.  By the time I came out, he was passed out.  I climbed into bed and by that time everything was running through my system, and I fell asleep.  First time I could ignore the pain."

 

"What I didn't realize at the time, what I didn't look at online, is the dose of the pain killers.  They were prescribed to someone who was more than twice my size.  So, following the instructions on the bottle put more into my system than I should have had.  Then adding the alcohol in, it seemed that I overdosed."  Julie took a deep breath.  "When Johnny couldn't wake me up, he called 911. I was taken to the hospital.  He pretended to be the frantic boyfriend, told the same story he told the court, and I was put on suicide watch.  No one believed me when I said I didn't do it on purpose.  Johnny had the friend who gave him the pills say that I'd stolen them while I was visiting his house.  I'd never been to his house."

 

"So, you never tried to take your own life that night?"  Nate asked Julie straight.

 

"No, I took the pills on my own, and I made the choice to drink the alcohol, but I did not think that it would almost kill me."  Julie replied.  She looked up at Harry who now couldn't stop the tears in his eyes.  She hoped he believed her.  She hoped he didn't question whether or not she tried to kill herself.

 

"You went home with him after your hospital stay?"  Nate asked her.  "Why would you do that?"

 

"Yes, I did."  Julie answered.  "And I don't know.  I was afraid.  He had always told me if I left, he would make sure no one else could have me.  I figured I knew what that meant.  I figured I wouldn't walk away and live to tell about it."

 

"You were afraid for your life?"  Nate asked her.

 

"Yes."  Julie replied.  "There was a time I was angry that they'd saved me that day.  I had thought about giving up.  I won't deny it.  I was living in a loop.  He'd hit me, I'd lie about it to others, I'd heal, and we'd do it all over again."

 

"So, after you were home for a while, he asked you to marry him?"  Nate asked.

 

"Yes, but as he said.  I told him no."  Julie continued this time without having to be pressed.  "I had just healed from the fall and was back to work and everything went back to normal.  And then one day, he just asked me to marry him.  It came out of nowhere.  I surprised myself when I just blurted out no.  Part of me realized that if I married him it would be harder than it already was to get out.  He didn't take it well."

 

"Can you be more specific with 'he didn't take it well'?"  Nate asked.

 

"Besides falling down the stairs, I got the worst beating I had taken.  He never expected me to stand up to him and say no.  Let's just say, I paid for my disobedience."  Julie was starting to find that unemotional place.  She was shutting off so that her heart stopped hurting.

 

"Mr. Thomas said that he took care of you the entire time you were together.  Do you believe that's true?"  Nate asked.

 

"I worked, 6 or 7 days a week almost every week.  I brought home the same amount, if not more, money than he did each week.  So, I'd say I did just fine."  Julie told Nate.

 

"And what did you do with the money you made?"  Nate pushed.

 

"I gave it to Johnny."  Julie said quietly.  God the more she said out loud, the more pathetic she felt.

 

"All of it?"  Nate asked incredulously.

 

"Yes.  All of it.  I'd even have to show him the check before I cashed it so he knew I wasn't keeping any for myself without him knowing.  He didn't want me to have any saved away so I could leave him."  Julie continued again.  "I gave him the whole check, and if I needed something, he would tell me whether or not I could have it, and then I had to bring him the receipt to make sure I only spent what he'd approved.  He had to approve all of my wardrobe, my personal products, pretty much everything.  I couldn't wear anything he thought was too revealing or would attract the attention of too many other men.  I was given a dress once by a friend as an early birthday present.  I thought I'd wear it when Johnny took me out for my birthday.  I came home from work on my birthday and was excited to go out to dinner, I didn't get to do it often.  I went upstairs to shower and put my dress on, and it was lying on the bed shredded.  A note was left telling me I would have looked like a slut in a dress cut that low."

 

Julie's hands were shaking as she wiped the tears. She just wanted to get this story over so she didn't wait for the next questions she figured Nate was going to ask.  "I know you want to know what finally caused me to leave.  I was late getting home from work one night, and I knew I was going to get hell for it.  So, I got home and quickly started dinner, it wasn't going to be done in time, but if I hurried maybe it wouldn't be as bad as I anticipated.  He came in from work and was already angry for some reason, and when dinner wasn't ready, he got angrier.  I poured him some whiskey into his favorite chilled glass and handed it to him and promised I would get it done as quickly as possible.  I was so scared I was going to get hit that I was in such a hurry I turned and knocked into him which caused him to hit the counter with the glass which caused it to break.  I knew what was coming so I braced myself for the slap across the face, which came.  I then bent down to pick up some of the glass and turned around to grab the broom when I ran into the piece of glass still in his hand."

 

Julie shook her head and started crying again.  "The glass stuck into my stomach, and I fell onto the glass on the floor which then cut into my shoulder.  He yelled some obscenities and told me I couldn't blame him and then left.  I was lying on the floor bleeding out and he just left me.  I almost gave up again, but I couldn't.  I crawled to the phone and called 911.  After surgery and 10 days in the hospital, I finally found the courage to leave.  And that's when I came to LA."

 

"And that's when you met, Mr. Styles?"  Nate asked.  "Mr. Thomas told the newspapers that you cheated on him with Mr. Styles."

 

"I was in LA for over 2 years before I met Harry."  Julie said through her tears.  "I had left a long time before I started seeing Harry.  Anyone can prove that."

 

"Which we have."  Nate said getting a folder.  "We'd like to add into evidence when Ms. Jackson traveled to LA and documents on when she met Mr. Styles.  This all leads to the countersuit.  Of Mr. Thomas being the one who lied and drug my client's name through the mud in public."

 

"We are going to ask one more thing, to get it out in the open.  Mr. Thomas also states that you cheated on Mr. Styles, the same way you did him.  Did you ever cheat on Mr. Styles with either Mr. Malik, or Mr. Russo?"  Nate asked.

 

Jesus Christ, Julie's whole life was being put out in public.  Having to explain all of this was horrible.  She gave up.  Why not just tell everyone everything?  "No.  Harry and I had broken up before I had met up with Zayn, and Zayn and I did not have a relationship other than a working friendship.  The pictures I'm sure they're going to bring up were taken when we bumped into each other at the Beverly Hills Hotel.  He was just giving me a ride home since I'd taken a bus.  Did we talk about maybe giving a relationship a try, yes, but we knew it wouldn't work, so we left it at that.  And Marcus, Mr. Russo, and I didn't meet until after Harry and I had decided that we weren't going to get back together yet.  I went out with him a few times, but it never materialized into anything more.  But I didn't see anyone else when Harry and I were together.  Nor have I since we got back together."

 

"Thank you, Ms. Jackson."  Nate said.  "Your witness."  He said as he walked back to the table.

 

"I think we need to break for the night."  The judge said from the bench.  "We will pick up with the cross first thing in the morning.  Please remember we're still in an active trial. Talk about the proceedings is strictly prohibited at this time."  He banged his gavel and got up to leave.

 

Julie slumped back in the witness stand and closed her eyes.  She felt like she had just gone through a boxing match, and these were her own attorneys.  Tomorrow should be a complete blast.  She got up when she felt a hand pulling hers and then heard Harry's voice telling her it was time to go.  She walked out with her friends, who looked at her, but never said a word.  She could only imagine what was going on in their minds right now.

 

Anyone else wondering when this nightmare will end?!?

 

Hope as always you enjoyed!Let me know any thoughts!😘


	77. Chapter 77

Julie walked into Harry's and still hadn't said a word after telling him she wanted to be alone after the day of testimony.Well, alone with him.She knew she would never convince him to leave her alone completely.And she was ok with that.He wouldn't push her right now.She knew that.He would be quiet when she needed him to be.He would be what she needed when she needed it.She was starting to trust him completely.She turned and looked up at him when she felt a hand on her shoulder.She reached up and touched his cheek when she saw the look in his eyes and then wrapped her arms around his neck as he wrapped his around her waist.

 

"I'm so sorry."Harry said with tears in his voice, letting his emotions finally take over.He'd tried so hard not to react in court and knew he had a few times but listening to all of Julie's testimony today, the pain she had gone through, it broke his heart.It may have broken him."Baby, I'm so sorry."

 

"It's not your fault, Harry.It happened a long time ago."Julie comforted him, but if she were honest, she wasn't dealing with it as well as she let on.But, she was managing somehow."Harry, I get that you're upset, and I know it probably gave you a lot more questions than answers, but I really don't think I'm up for a discussion about it tonight.Can we pretend that I'm not going crazy answering questions about my crazy ex-boyfriend in front of everyone, and just be a boring, lazy, couple tonight?"

 

Harry pulled back slightly and looked down at her.He forced a bit of a smile."You're far from boring, love."He wiped his eyes with his sleeve and tried to gather himself back in."How about some unhealthy Chinese food and some gooey brownies while we curl up and watch some stupid movie that we can make fun of the whole time?"

 

Julie started towards the living room and then turned back to him."Boyfriend, you know me so well."She put her hand on the side of his neck when he walked up and kissed her."I'm going to go take a shower.See if I can wash some of this ick from the questions today off.I'll be back for my yummy fattening food before you know it."

 

"Never forget how much I know you."Harry kissed her again and smiled.He then swatted her ass lightly when she walked away."I love you.Please don't forget that."

 

"I couldn't.Even if I wanted to."Julie replied putting her hand on the railing to go upstairs."Not that I want to."She pivoted to look at him when he walked to the bottom of the stairs.She turned fully towards him and rested her forearms on his shoulders.Now that she was standing on the second stair, she was slightly taller than him."I kind of like this."

 

He wrapped his arms around her waist and looked up slightly into her eyes."Nope, I like your height.I like being able to wrap you up and know you're safe."

 

Julie smiled and kissed his nose and then his forehead."I don't mind doing the comforting every now and again.And someday, I'll show you.When my life decides to stop being so damn unpredictable."

 

"Eh, unpredictable can also be good.Let's just get this crazy bastard out of your life.Then we'll probably be ok.Then, you can comfort me while I go through this crazy world of being a musician."Harry smiled up at her.

 

"Why try to deny it, you were born to perform.There aren't many others I've seen that literally ooze the charm and stage presence you have."She leaned her forehead against his."I'm going to take that shower now.I can't wait to cuddle you when I'm done."

 

"Sounds wonderful, love."He reached up and kissed her lips."I'll be on the couch ready with your blanket."He turned away as she walked up the stairs.He knew she was putting on a show for him.Hell, she probably knew he knew that.But, for now, he'd let her.He knew if she lived in her head constantly about the trial and her testimony she'd go crazy.Harry really didn't want to let her go shower alone because he knew her thoughts would go back to that courtroom, but he couldn't smother her either.He sighed and ordered their food from their favorite Chinese place and then went to her snack cupboard and pulled out a bunch of bad for you snacks.He smiled when he thought about her telling him 'this is my cupboard, that way your healthy ass doesn't have to feel tempted and blame me for you straying'.Well, tonight, he would stray.He brought everything into the front room and turned on the tv while he waited for the food to be delivered.

 

Julie got in the shower and let the hot water run over her body.Every muscle was tense and sore.It felt so good for the heat to seep into her muscles.Remembering everything in such detail today was horribly hard.She didn't know how to feel right now.She'd remained strong up until now, but she couldn't anymore.She broke down crying.Well, more like a sob.It lasted quite some time, but eventually she was able to calm herself and finish her shower.She hated being so emotional, but if she were honest, it felt good to cry.It was like she'd let some of the stress out with her tears.She pulled on her sweats and her favorite hoodie of Harry's.She always said it made her feel safe; she definitely needed it tonight.She walked downstairs and saw Harry with his arms open towards all of the food he got.She laughed as she walked over.God, how she got him after the disaster that was Johnny, she would never know.She crawled on the couch next to him and stayed in his arms the rest of the night.

 

**********

 

The next morning Harry walked up to Niall and Amanda before the trial was to start.Amanda looked at his face and put her hand on his arm."Rough night?Everything ok?"

 

Harry shook his head."Yeah, didn't get much sleep.Julie had nightmares last night.Horrible ones I gather by the way she woke up screaming every time she fell asleep.I guess I'm not all that surprised though.After everything she talked about yesterday, and what she's anticipating is going to happen today, yeah, I'd probably have nightmares, too."

 

Amanda reached up and hugged Harry."I knew we should have insisted that you stay with us.So, there were more of us to help."

 

"She would have hated that."Harry said as they walked towards the court room.Julie had a meeting with Marc and Nate before the trial resumed.She'd looked so beat down and so tired when they were leaving the house this morning.It was almost over, but he had still offered to write a check to get this to go away.But, of course, Julie was hearing none of it. As far as she was concerned, she had already gone through hell and was almost out the other side, so she might as well continue.He took his normal seat with Niall and Amanda. Julie was already seated with Marc and Nate.Harry turned back around and nodded at Louis, Liam, and even Zayn.He was grateful for their support.Hell, even Zayn's.He glared over at Johnny and his lawyers.The pain this fucker kept causing in Julie's life, and now theirs, was unbelievable.He didn't know people like him actually existed.How hard was it to treat people with kindness?He turned back around in his seat and looked at the back of Julie's body.She was stiff as a board.He wished he could somehow take away the anxiety this was causing her.He sighed when the judge called Julie to the stand.

 

Julie walked up and nodded her head when the judge reminded her that she was still under oath from yesterday.Like she would need to lie anyway.She took her seat and crossed her legs, playing with a new tissue.It wouldn't be long before it was shredded like the one from yesterday.She took a shaky breath when Johnny's lawyer walked up in front of her.Her breathing started to get staggered, and she was on the verge of a panic attack.She took another few deep breaths and her eyes shot to Harry's.She wanted him to help her.But he couldn't.She had to do this.She watched him purposely take a few deep breaths and mimicked his breathing.She let out one long breath and then brought her eyes back to Johnny's lawyer.She couldn't even remember his name.

 

"Ms. Jackson.I'm Timothy Harris, Mr. Thomas's attorney."He said to Julie.

 

Julie wrinkled her eyebrows at him.Why was he treating her as if she were stupid?Ok, so she couldn't remember his name, but she knew why he was there."Yes, I understand that."

 

"Just making sure, you remember who you're talking to.Seems you may have memory issues by what we heard from you yesterday."Mr. Harris said walking away.

 

"Objection!Your honor!Mr. Harris has no knowledge of what Ms. Jackson's truth is.To start out the cross like this is absurd!"Marc said angrily standing from his chair.

 

The judge put his hand up to let Marc know he didn't have to continue."Sustained.Mr. Harris, I will not allow such idiocracy to the system in my courtroom.Please start your questioning and watch your step."

 

"Yes, your honor."Mr. Harris said as he walked back up towards Julie."Ms. Jackson, we heard your story yesterday.Your 'version' of the story."Mr. Harris made quote marks with his fingers for added effect."Do you stand by everything you said yesterday?"

 

"Yes, of course."Julie replied.This guy was already getting on her nerves.

 

"So, you've told us that not only did you not leave Mr. Thomas after multiple beatings for well over a year, but you also went back to him more than once from the hospital?"Mr. Harris presented to her.

 

"Yes, I already said that."Julie answered.

 

"Why?"Mr. Harris asked simply.

 

"Because I was scared."Julie advised.

 

"You were scared of what?"Mr. Harris questioned.

 

"Of Johnny."Julie answered wondering where this guy was going with this.

 

"Right, you were scared of Mr. Thomas, but you kept going back to him over and over again.Makes sense."Mr. Harris stated.

 

"I was afraid that if I left he'd find me.And when, not if, but when he'd find me, that it would only be worse.What would he do to me then?I was afraid I wouldn't just be beaten, that I would be killed."Julie choked out.Saying those thoughts out loud always made them seem so real.

 

"You were afraid someone who saved your life because he loved you, was going to kill you?"Mr. Harris shook his head."How does that make any sense?"

 

"How did anything he did to me make sense?He saved my life because he didn't get to control the way I would have died.I don't believe for ONE second that he saved my life because he loved me.I believe he saved my life because he didn't want me to have control over anything, and that included the way I died."Julie spat out quickly.She once again heard the gasps throughout the court room.

 

"So, you did try to kill yourself that night?"Mr. Harris asked wide eyed.

 

"No!God, that's not what I said.It's what HE BELIEVED in his messed-up mind!"Julie said.

 

"Judge."Mr. Harris started to say.

 

"No need counselor."The judge looked down at Julie."Ms. Jackson, please, even if it's difficult, avoid being argumentative."

 

"Yes, your honor. I'm sorry."Julie said meekly looking down at her hands.

 

"Continue, Mr. Harris."The judge advised.

 

"So, the man who had you move in with him, the man who saved your life, the man who asked you to marry him, was abusive and threatened to kill you?"Mr. Harris asked Julie."I mean, that just doesn't make a lot of sense, does it?"

 

"No, not to any normal person."Julie started."Look, I'm not going to try to explain why he did what he did.I've tried to figure that out for years.I can't.I don't know."

 

"It's your word against his.Yet, he never tried to take his life. You tried to take yours.You were the one put on suicide watch for 72 hours.You are the one who fabricated this story about a man who took care of you, to come run your game on someone with more pull, more money.Isn't that true?"Mr. Harris asked.

 

"You can try to spin this anyway you want.But it's not going to change the truth.I've told you the truth.Trust me, I would have rather not have gone through all those memories.I didn't want to go back and live through all that pain.But Johnny made sure I had to.He's still trying to control my life even though I left him FOUR years ago.Now, who's pathetic?He can't let go of me even though I left FOUR years ago!"Julie practically screamed.Her whole body started shaking as she heard Mr. Harris yelling at the judge to stop her, and Marc and Nate yelling that the questioning was crossing the line, and the judge banging his gavel trying to get control.

 

"Everyone take their seat!"The judge bellowed."I will not have this chaos in my courtroom!"He waited for everyone to settle down before he continued."Mr. Harris, please question the witness properly, I will not warn you again.Ms. Jackson, please keep your supposition to a minimum.We're here to get to the truth.One more outburst and I will have to hold you in contempt."

 

Mr. Harris spoke to Johnny quietly and then stood back up."Ms. Jackson, is it true that you had written down your plan to come to LA and get swept off your feet by a celebrity?"

 

Julie groaned.For fucks sake."Yes, I wrote that when..."

 

"'Yes is good enough."Mr. Harris interrupted."Just answer the question."

 

"I need to explain the context."Julie tried.

 

"Just answer the question, Ms. Jackson."The judge advised.

 

Julie slumped back in her seat.What the fuck.This was ridiculous.No one could take ramblings of a teenager seriously.That's what it was; she'd wrote that long before she even met Johnny.There was no way she could have foreseen Johnny, or Harry, at that point.

 

"So, you already had the plan to find a rich celebrity in LA and stayed with Mr. Thomas until you got to put that plan in play, isn't that correct?"Mr. Harris asked Julie.

 

"No, that's not correct."Julie said.

 

"But you just said it was something that you wrote, in detail."Mr. Harris reminded her.

 

"I did, at 15."Julie added.

 

"Doesn't matter when, it goes to show your state of mind."He walked back over to the table and pulled up a thick folder."Judge, we'd like to enter into evidence pages of writings from Ms. Jackson. Each showing her detailed plans of how she wanted her life to end up."

 

"What?"Julie sat forward when Mr. Harris went to hand the bailiff the file."He shouldn't have those.Those were private."

 

"Mr. Thomas got them from his home."Mr. Harris advised."They show that Mr. Thomas had every right to believe that Ms. Jackson had a plan to leave him and come to LA long before she accused him of abusing her.Long before she made up the stories of him threatening to kill her.This will prove that she had motive to lie about my client's abusiveness."

 

"It does not prove ANYTHING like that."Julie stated completely exasperated.She couldn't help but cry now.Johnny hated her writing.When he'd found her notebooks, he'd said he destroyed them and had been rather malicious about it.They were notebooks she had written in from the time she'd turned 13 until she moved in with him.There were dozens. She had thought he'd wanted to destroy any of her life before him. Apparently, he had kept them and now was trying to use her ramblings as a stupid teenager dreaming about getting out of a small town and traveling the world.What teenager doesn't have those kinds of dreams?

 

"Objection!Your honor.Mr. Thomas may have gotten them from his home, but it was a home that Ms. Jackson also occupied per Mr. Thomas's request.One where she should have been able to expect some sort of privacy in."Marc stood and addressed the judge."We request this not to be allowed into evidence.We were not advised Mr. Harris had any of Ms. Jackson's belongings."

 

"I agree."The judge advised and turned to Mr. Harris."Just because Mr. Thomas owned the house, Ms. Jackson lived there also.With his encouragement.That does not give him a right to take her belongings to use against her in a court hearing years later."He then turned to Julie."Ms. Jackson, did you know that Mr. Thomas had those writings?"

 

"No, he told me he destroyed them when he found them.That everything I wrote was some stupid dream, and I didn't need them."Julie added defeated.

 

"Request denied, Mr. Harris.Ms. Jackson's personal writings will not be entered into evidence at this time."The judge said."Do you have any more questions?"

 

Julie watched Mr. Harris look back at Johnny and glanced to Johnny herself.He was pissed off.She could see it in his face and also his fists were clenched on top of the table.It was the same look she would see every time she was about to be 'set straight'.He was going to lose his cool.Those writings were what he had been counting on.Showing everyone that she had planned to come and trick a celebrity into falling in love with her, which was, in his messed up brain, exactly what she had done.

 

"Yes, your honor."Mr. Harris set the folder back onto the table."Ms. Jackson, you've eluded to the fact that Mr. Thomas raped you as well as beat you, is that correct?"

 

"No, I believe I said that even if I didn't want to, I allowed it."Julie corrected him.

 

"Right, so he didn't rape you.Even though that's what you and your lawyers wanted everyone to believe."Mr. Harris continued.

 

"Not true."Julie said to him.This was exhausting.Mr. Harris wasn't even going anywhere with all of this.Had she frustrated them that much that this was he was relegated to?

 

"How long did it take for you and Mr. Styles to become intimate?"Mr. Harris asked her.

 

"Objection, your honor. If Mr. Harris doesn't have anything legitimate to ask my client, could we move on, please?Ms. Jackson and Mr. Styles sex life is none of his, nor none of the court's, business."

 

"Sustained.Mr. Harris, come up with something relevant or rest your case."The judge said obviously annoyed.

 

"Fuck this!"Johnny slammed his fists on the table and then stood up."That little bitch wants to come out here and fuck rich pretty boys after I took care of her slutty, selfish ass for years, I deserve to get something out of it!If that bitch left me in the middle of the night and ran off to live her stupid dreams with some rich super star, then I want mine!"He watched Julie cower in her seat on the stand, and he watched Harry get to his feet and step towards the swinging door while Julie's lawyers got there first and stopped him."Fuck pretty boy.Let's do it then. I'll fuck up your pretty face!"

 

"MR. THOMAS!"The judge screamed banging his gavel."Mr. Harris, your client has been warned, and I will not tolerate this.You are in contempt of court, Mr. Thomas.You will be taken to LA county jail while we wait for transport."He watched as his bailiff removed Johnny, struggling all the way, from the courtroom."And Mr. Harris.I do not need any time to deliberate on my decision.You and your client came all this way to get paid.I can see you, and he, were hoping that it did not get this far by your lack of a case.My ruling is for Ms. Jackson.Your client, if not charged and booked in LA, will be sent back to Wisconsin.He shall not have contact with Ms. Jackson, Mr. Styles, or any of their friends again.If he even breathes a word to the press, tries to sell his story again, or contacts anyone for a settlement, there will be more legal issues than you care to deal with.I suggest, if Mr. Thomas gets released from LA county that you and he choose to go home quickly and accept the fact that he will not get a penny from this young lady or her friends. Court adjourned."  The judge banged his gavel, stood up, and walked out of the courtroom.Stating on his way that Mr. Harris, Marc, and Nate should meet in his chambers.

 

Julie let out a breath and took her shaking hands and covered her face.Holy fuck!Johnny standing up and screaming like that had scared the shit out of her.She pulled back when she felt other hands pulling her hands away from her face.

 

"It's ok, baby."Harry said gently."It's just me."He gently pulled her to a standing position and wrapped her tightly in his arms."It's over!You did it!"

 

Julie wrapped her arms around Harry's shoulders as he picked her up.She wasn't quite ready to celebrate yet.She was still running through the whole gamut of what had happened.It all seemed so messed up.Was she dreaming?Would she wake up and have to go through this all over again?She opened her eyes and looked at Niall and Panda behind Harry and Louis, Liam, and Zayn behind them all smiling.When Harry set her down she was attacked by each of them with hugs and kisses on the cheek.As she was thanking Liam and Louis for being there, she turned and saw Harry give Zayn a light slap on the shoulder and them exchange a smile.Well, that was unexpected.She walked over and gave Zayn a hug and thanked him again for coming and testifying.She looked up at Harry when he put his arm around her waist.

 

"You ready to go home, love?"He asked Julie."Everyone's welcome back to my place for a celebratory drink.Or two or three."Harry laughed.He looked over at Zayn."If you're free, you're welcome, too.We've got a lot of celebrating to do."

 

Julie watched Zayn nod and heard him say he'd be there and walked out with Harry."Are you sure I'm not dreaming?First Johnny blew up and ruined his own case and then you invited Zayn to your house?"She shook her head."I'm in the twilight zone, aren't I?"

 

Harry laughed."Funny, but no.We have a lot to talk about, but not tonight.Tonight, we celebrate, and Zayn did everything he could to help you regardless of how uncomfortable he had to feel.I respect that."

 

"Then take me home, Mr. Styles.I've had enough of being in a courtroom to last me a lifetime."Julie said looking over at Amanda who linked their arms together.Reliving the hell, she'd gone through just made her look at the life she was living now in a much brighter light.She was lucky.She needed to remember that just a little bit more.

 

What did you all think?Was it a bit of a letdown?Or did it end how it was supposed too?We are going to be longer than TTD by quite a bit...but not too much remaining for the journey of Free ends....


	78. Chapter 78

Julie went into the conference room where she and her attorneys had come before and after the trial each day to brief and debrief.They asked her to wait for them so that they could speak with her before she left.She sat down on Harry's lap after he pulled out a chair and sat down on it.She'd sent everyone else home so that they could have some time before coming to Harry's later.Julie laid her head on Harry's shoulder when he wrapped his arms around her waist.She hadn't said a word since she'd thanked everyone for their coming to court every day and for their testimony and told him to take her home.

 

"Hey, beautiful, are you ok?I was expecting a bit more excitement now that it's over."Harry said to her closing his eyes as he felt her warm breath on his neck.

 

"I'm glad it's over.I'm glad he couldn't prove any of his lies.I guess I'm just not quite convinced it's real yet.The judge can say all he wants, but how much of it is true?Can he really keep Johnny away?Besides him being in jail, what guarantees that he won't come back and try again?"Julie picked her head up and looked in Harry's eyes."I've believed twice that he was out of my life, and I've been wrong both times."

 

"This is different though.He tried his luck, he knows that we won't pay, and he couldn't get a judge to believe him."Harry ran his thumb over her cheek."Plus, he showed himself at the end when it wasn't going his way."

 

"But it seemed too easy.They spun everything that Panda said, and Zayn said, and even tried with the expert witnesses, but with me, they couldn't come up with anything other than I was mentally not all there?"Julie shrugged."I don't get it."

 

"The judge even said it.They didn't expect you to actually get up on the stand and tell your story in detail.Johnny and his lawyer were expecting you to either break or me not to let it happen.And I wanted to pay him so many times, but you wouldn't let me.Julie, you're so much stronger than you believe.What you did is amazing."Harry encouraged her squeezing his arms around her.He still didn't understand how she couldn't see what she had done, the bravery she had.

 

Julie was about to respond when Nate and Marc walked into the room.She stood up and went and sat in her own chair.She rested her hands on the table and prepared herself for what she expected to be some catch.Everything, especially Johnny, couldn't just go away that easily.

 

Marc reached over and put his hand over Julie's hands which were still clasped together on the table."You did wonderfully.I know it was hard, but I'm proud you went up there and told the truth, and you didn't back down when they tried to confuse you."

 

Nate nodded in agreement."It didn't go perfectly. But it did what we intended it to do.The judge spoke to us just now, and as we explained, the statute of limitations for prosecuting Johnny for the assault charges is over.For both Wisconsin and Nevada.Civilly, the judge advised that we could collect damages from him if you so wanted.As you advised us prior, we asked for the judge to redo the order of protection instead.If Johnny comes within visible sight of you, he will be arrested and charged to the maximum extent of the law, he will then have to do prison time and pay restitution."

 

Marc continued for Nate."The judge did agree to send him to prison for his disrespect for the court though, so Johnny will be spending some time in the California prison system, but he said he will have him moved out of LA and sent back to Wisconsin as soon as he's released."

 

Julie nodded through their explanation."Well, I guess it's better than nothing."

 

"It also is illegal for him to now sell his story if it has anything to do with you, Harry, or your circle of friends."Nate continued."If he tries, he has to donate the money to a charity of your choosing and also do more time."

 

Julie took a deep breath."Alright, I guess there's not much more I can do."

 

"It's good, Julie.You should be a bit happier about it."Nate said standing up."Go home, relax. Get some rest.It's over."

 

Julie just nodded as she stood up.She reached out and shook both their hands as did Harry."Thank you both, very much for this.I appreciate all you have done very much."

 

"You're very welcome.Hope we don't have to see you for awhile."Marc said grabbing his briefcase.

 

Julie walked out of the room with Nate, Marc, and Harry.As they round the corner, they saw Johnny being escorted in handcuffs towards the elevator.She stopped when he tried to pull his arm away from the police officer escorting him.She turned away but when Harry grabbed her arm gently, she stood slightly behind him and cringed at the words being thrown from Johnny's mouth.

 

"You won't get away with this, you bitch!"Johnny pulled his arm away harder, even though he was still in handcuffs and wasn't going to get far."I've got more that I can come at you with!You wait and see!I deserve his fucking money. Anyone who had to put up with your bullshit for as long as I did deserves it!"

 

Harry was done with Johnny talking shit.He was done with him calling Julie nasty names and telling her she wasn't good enough.Julie had ahold of his arm, but he couldn't take it.He pulled it away and walked up towards Johnny."You have a big fucking mouth for someone who just got their ass handed to them in court.Maybe if you could have kept your lies straight and your fucking insane temper in check, you wouldn't be on your way to prison."

 

Johnny looked at Harry's fists clenched at his sides.He knew if he could get Harry to punch him, he could have another shot at his payday.How hard could such a pretty boy hit anyway?"What are you going to do about it?Hire a goon to come find me?All you got is deep pockets.Come on then.Shut me up.She's playing you just like she played me.She'll find someone with deeper pockets than you soon.Then she'll be off and running.Expect it, pretty boy."

 

Harry stepped up and pulled his fist back.Cop or no cop his ass wanted to clock that boy in his jaw.He felt a small hand on his taut bicep and hesitated.

 

"It's what he wants, Harry."Julie proclaimed quietly.She knew Johnny's games, she saw it coming and moved to Harry quickly."He wants another way to your money since it wasn't through me.Please don't fall into his game."

 

"When are you ever going to learn your place, you little bitch?"Johnny spat at her.Getting closer to her than he thought he ever would again."Let the men deal with it and go back to your weak little corner."

 

Harry reached over the officer to try and grab Johnny's collar but was stopped by Nate and Marc reaching him and forcefully trying to remove him."You're the piece of shit and you have no right to talk to her like that.I could....". Harry proclaimed as he was being removed.

 

"STOP!! Jesus Christ!"Julie shouted shaking and starting to cry."You want to go to jail right along with him, Harry?Then go ahead and hit him!But then you're no better than he is!He thought I deserved every beating I got!So saying he deserves it means nothing!"

 

Harry heard what Julie was saying.But he was so fucking angry.This guy was such a fucking arrogant asshole, he couldn't stand it.And to STILL be saying these things about Julie.He clenched his teeth and took a deep breath as he stopped fighting Nate and Marc.As another officer came up and helped the first escort Johnny away and he had to listen to more obscenities come from Johnny's mouth, he slammed his fist against the wall of the hallway.He felt the pain shoot through his knuckles and up his wrist, but he didn't even care.

 

Johnny looked back and let out a boisterous laugh when he saw Harry punch the wall.Let the mother fucker hurt.He was all of a sudden really glad his face hadn't been on the receiving end of that punch though.Pretty boy threw a punch better than Johnny ever thought he could.He blew Julie a kiss as the officers corralled him into the elevator.

 

Marc walked over and looked at Harry's hand and wrist."Yeah, we need to get you to a hospital."He shook his head."Harry, what were you thinking?"

 

"What was I thinking?No one else was going to stop him.I was thinking I was going to punch him in his face.That's what I was thinking."Harry's anger was intense.He could feel his face flushed with the heat running through it.His blood was pumping and the adrenaline coursing through his veins made him feel no pain."He can't fucking talk to her like that when I'm around.She doesn't deserve that."

 

"I know she doesn't.And so does everyone else.Don't play his game, Harry.You're reacting just as he wants you to. Which could have ended up costing you a lot more than money."Marc helped Harry hold his most likely broken wrist up as he walked him towards the elevator.He looked back at Nate who was sitting on a bench down the hall with Julie."I'm taking Harry to the hospital."

 

Nate looked at Julie and then back at Marc."We'll meet you at the car."He helped her up and took her elbow."Are you ok?"

 

"No.I really wish people would stop asking me that."Julie tried to steady her nerves.Her hands were still shaking and her legs felt like they could give out.She was completely mentally exhausted.

 

"Sorry, this was supposed to be a good day for you."Nate led her to the elevator bank and guided her on to the elevator.

 

"Yeah, when you're me, you know better than to expect a good day, ever.No matter what."When they stepped from the elevator, Julie pulled out her phone and text Amanda."Explain more later, heading to hospital.Harry hurt his wrist.Will let you know more when I know more."She shoved her phone back in her bag and climbed into the backseat of the car with Harry when Nate opened the door.She buckled her seat belt and kept her eyes on her lap.

 

"I'm sorry, Julie. You know I'm sorry."Harry tried to engage her.She wouldn't even lift her eyes from her lap.The anger that Johnny always instilled in him was something he found hard to explain.It overtook every inch of him and consumed him from the inside out."I'm truly so sorry."

 

"Yeah, someone else used to say that to me every time he lost his temper, too."Julie said to him quietly."I don't want to talk about it right now."

 

Harry leaned back against the seat.She had gone through days of testimony where she'd had to relive every memory of Johnny's and hers horrible relationship.One where Johnny had lost control of his temper and used his fists on her as well as anything else in his way.And then she'd just seen him lose his control, again.He closed his eyes and leaned back against the seat."I wouldn't.Not ever."

 

"I know."Julie sighed."I do.It's just, everything that happened, I'm just, struggling right now.Let's just make sure you're hand or wrist or whatever it is, is taken care of.I'll work through it."

 

Harry opened his eyes and looked over at her.She was a version of the girl he'd first met.Sad, lost, confused.Things he'd seen her work through time and time again.But this seemed to be the biggest downward spiral of them all.She was sitting to his right, and it was his right wrist that was broken or something, so he couldn't even reach over for her.The adrenaline must be wearing off, because now he not only felt the pain in his wrist but also his heart."I love you."He stated as he watched her reaction.

 

"I love you, too, Harry."Julie said raising her eyes briefly to him before dropping them again.

 

**********

 

Later that night Julie and Harry walked into Harry's house.Niall and Amanda had a spare key and had arrived early so everyone could meet as planned.Amanda rushed up to them and looked at the cast on Harry's right wrist."What the hell happened?"

 

"Johnny happened."Julie said before she stepped around Amanda and went upstairs to change and wash up.

 

Amanda watched Julie and then turned back to Harry waiting for an explanation.

 

"We ran into them escorting Johnny from the court.He started, as always, saying nasty shit about Julie, I went after him and just about punched him in his face, but Julie, and then Nate and Marc, stopped me.I punched the wall instead.Pretty hard, I might add.She's been off ever since."Harry explained.

 

Amanda sighed."When will you learn?"She asked walking into the backyard where everyone had gathered.Nice thing about being in LA.Even in late February, it was still pleasant outside.

 

"When it comes to that asshole, probably never."Harry admitted to Amanda. He walked with her outside and was met with a million questions about what had happened.He explained the story a couple of times and then made everyone drop it.He took a drink from Niall and looked around.He hadn't seen Julie come outside."I'm a bit concerned that Julie hasn't come down yet."

 

Amanda nodded."Yeah, Jaime said the same thing.He went up to find her.I was going to, but he may be exactly what she needs right now."

 

"Yeah, maybe he is.Or Zayn.If Jaime doesn't work, then maybe I'll ask Zayn to go talk to her."Harry nodded his head like it was exactly what everyone should think he'd say.

 

"Uh, did you hit your head too when you punched the wall?"Niall asked.

 

"Yeah, cuz I heard that, too."Louis appeared at Harry's side."And I never thought I'd ever hear those words come out of your mouth, ever."

 

"Yeah, well, let's face it.I understand 95% of her.I truly believe I do.But she and Zayn have always had a different kind of understanding.He gets her in that one place I don't."Harry shrugged.It was hard for him to admit, but Zayn understood her anxious place.Her uncontrollable fear.The way she pulled in and shut down."Let's just hope Jamie has luck with her though.I'd really like NOT to go to Zayn if I don't have to."He shrugged again as everyone laughed at his reluctance.

 

"Girlfriend."Jaime called out walking upstairs.Amanda had told him which bedroom was Harry's, and he walked in and saw Julie standing at the window arms crossed.He saw her lift one hand and discreetly wipe her tears.Jaime would have normally made the observation about his being in Harry Styles bedroom, but even he knew this was not the time."You know, sister, you have a backyard full of hot men and a few women waiting to celebrate your victory."

 

"Yeah, I know."Julie cleared her throat from the emotion building up in it.

 

"What are you doing?You won, you know?"Jaime reminded her as he slipped an arm around her waist and pulled her closer to his side.

 

"Did I?"Julie asked him.

 

"Uh, yes.What kind of question is that?"Jamie gasped when she asked him that.

 

"A legitimate one.Did I win?"Julie turned her head and looked at him."Because I'm not sure I did."

 

"Listen, girl, we knew you were always a bit uptight.But this was a victory.You should realize that."Jaime pressed.

 

"I don't see it like that.It's not that simple."Julie responded.

 

Jaime sighed."Of course it's not. It is you we're talking about here."He pulled on her hand and had her sit on the bed next to him."But I'm here, so talk to me."

 

"All I see is him winning."Julie explained."He may not have gotten the number one thing on his list, which was Harry's money.But he still got his consolation prize."

 

"Girlfriend, stop being so cryptic and just throw it at me already."Jaime told her sitting so he was facing her more.One leg bent and up on the bed.

 

"He got me to go up on the stand and relive every single moment that I wanted to forget.Every moment.He got me to relive them, in detail.I could almost feel everything happening to me all over again.He got exactly what he wanted from me, besides the money.He got me reliving the pain, the abuse, the obedience.It was his way of saying he'd always be in control.And I can't say he's wrong.Everyone keeps saying that I won, and I should celebrate.But I just don't see it that way."

 

"So, don't let him be in control.Only you can take that power from him."Jaime leaned back on his arms.He took in her demeanor and her body language.He had met a pretty closed off, hurt, standoffish girl way back when.But this was different.Johnny had really gotten to her."How did no one see that this was happening to you through this whole thing?"

 

"Because I didn't let them."Julie got up and started to pace the room."Jaime, you have no idea how much I just wanted to be strong, to put Johnny in his place.I thrived on that thought.But then I realized, it wasn't all about that.If he wasn't going to get paid, he wanted me up on that stand.He wanted me to remember, to feel it, to remember he was in control and still is.He will always dictate the way I see the world.Like when Harry hit the wall today.It scared me.I'm scared.I'm scared I will always see Johnny in every situation.Every time I disagree with someone, or every time I see someone angry, I'm going to resort to the me that was with him."

 

Jaime watched Julie stop and put her face in her hands before he got up.Once he did, he walked over to her and wrapped his arms around her pulling her into him."But, you're not that girl anymore.And you're with Harry Styles, for fucks sake.Harry fucking Styles.The ONLY way he would even THINK to hurt someone else is to stand up for you.Because that boy is completely, 100% in love with you.Much to my dismay."

 

Julie chuckled into her hands which were still buried in Jaime's chest."Only you could take this moment and make it about yourself."

 

"Well, I'm standing here in Harry Styles' bedroom, and I have a girl in my arms.Not exactly how I pictured this."Jaime advised.He rubbed her back slowly."I mean, for a girl, you're damn hot, but this is not what I picture doing in his bedroom."

 

"Ok, Jaime.He's still my boyfriend.Could you NOT put that visual in my head?"Julie shook her head and stepped back from him.

 

"There's my girl."Jaime smiled at her."And I mean, are you sure?'Cuz the bed looks awfully cozy.You could go down and send him up to bed with me."

 

"Shut up."Julie pushed on his chest a little."Thank you, Jaime.For being here.For being my friend.For loving me."

 

"I don't do that for just anyone, sugar.So please remember it next time, so I don't have to work so hard."Jaime put his hand on his hip."Now, since you won't let me fantasize about what I could be doing in Harry's bed, can we go down so I can be surrounded but all those pretty men?"

 

"You do realize, Jaime, that they all either have girlfriends, or are not into men at all, right?"Julie asked wiping her eyes one more time.

 

"You look a mess. You're just going to have to accept it."Jaime pulled her arm to get her to go downstairs."Luckily, for you, but not for me, Harry's going to love you anyway."He walked her outside and let her go when she saw Zayn first thing.He walked over towards Amanda, Niall, and Harry."I have delivered the package."He curtsied at them and looked back at Julie."She's in deep.Don't let her drown, ok?"

 

"I won't."Harry told Jaime.He thanked him and then watched Julie talking to Zayn.He felt that tinge of jealousy he always had when they talked, but it wasn't as intense this time.Zayn had come through, and man, he respected that.And he trusted Julie.His heart belonged to her completely, and he felt like she had relinquished hers to him.He could feel it breaking every time she talked about another chapter of her life with Johnny during that trial.He'd stand beside her as she walked through this.He just wished he knew how to lead her from the flames.

 

Is JJ right?  Is she living in the twilight zone right now?  Things are CRAZY!!!  Thanks again for agreeing to come along....

😘😘😘😘😘


	79. Chapter 79

A few days had past since the end of the trial.Harry was sitting at home, alone, as he had done a lot lately.Julie had spent most of her time at the library writing and researching for her novel.At least that's what she'd told him.She was trying to finish it and send it to the publisher prior to leaving for Wisconsin and then Ireland.Harry hardly ever saw her.The last few nights, she'd even stayed at Niall's without him.He was trying really hard to understand and be supportive, but he wanted to get a handle on how she was doing.He had text her earlier, and she'd promised she'd come to his place tonight.He checked the clock, again, and it was already 8:30 pm.He sighed and picked up his phone and text her.He was beginning to think she wasn't coming."Hey love, just wondering if you knew when you'd be here, so I could have dinner ready."Well, it was true, but he was also wondering if she'd show.

 

Harry sighed when he hadn't received an answer ten minutes later.He was just about to order himself something to eat when he got a text alert.He saw it was from Julie and held his breath expecting her to bail on him again.Instead the message said, 'on my way so about 20 minutes'.He let out a breath and started to laugh at himself.It had only been a few days.He really should stop panicking, but he didn't want her to run or pull back from him.He ordered them some dinner from a more fancy restaurant than they ate normally.Baked fish for him and a chicken dish for her.Lots of vegetables for him and extra garlic mashed potatoes for her.She hadn't been eating well lately, and she was becoming a bit thin again.Hopefully once things settled down, she could get back to a more normal pattern.

 

He set the table and added a couple of candles and wine glasses.She would tell him it wasn't necessary, but to him, it was.She didn't want him to take her out right now.She wasn't into the whole public outings scene.Not much had gotten out about the trial, but she wasn't taking any chances.When he heard the door open, he lit the candles and then walked toward her.He saw her set her bag down and smiled."Hey stranger."

 

Julie shook her head and rolled her eyes."It hasn't been that long.Always the drama queen."She took a moment to look at him and then walked up to him."Hi.How was your day?"She reached up and tugged on the ends of the top of his hair."I miss your curls."She smiled as he kissed her.She clasped her hands behind his neck."How are you doing?"

 

Harry clasped his hands behind her lower back and looked down at her."I'm fine.I should be asking you that.You've sort of become ghost since the trial ended.I've missed you."

 

"I know.I'm sorry."She took one hand and ran her thumb over his cheek."I just had to decompress, and I know you wanted to help, but I was overwhelmed. I just needed some time to escape.But I've missed you, too."

 

"And, so, how are you doing?"He asked her taking her hand from his face and kissing it.He then held it as he led her to the table."Dinner should be here soon."

 

"Wow, this wasn't necessary."She said as she sat in the chair he pulled out for her."But it's beautiful."She watched him pour her a glass of wine."I'm, ok, I guess.All of the ancient past coming up in trial was hard.I'm still struggling with the memories overwhelming me.And I know you have questions.I just wasn't ready to deal with them."

 

"Are you now?"He poured himself a glass of wine and then looked her.

 

"No, not sure I ever will be though."She lifted her glass and took a sip."Do you have something particular you want to ask?"

 

"Honestly, no, you lived in that hell long enough.You explained enough on the stand.I will always believe you over him.All I need to know is if you're ok.As long as you're ok.Then I'm good."Harry reached over the table and took her hand.He meant it.He didn't need to know anything else.He'd heard enough.He struggled to accept it for a bit, but it was her past.He knew it had been bad.He didn't need to know anymore details.

 

Julie never let go of his hand but got up and walked over to him and sat down on his lap."And this is why I know I made the right decision taking you back."She smiled and then kissed his lips.She clasped her hands over his opposite shoulder."It's hard, Harry, I won't hide that.But, I'm working on it.Just, promise me you won't go anywhere."

 

"I worked my ass off to get you back.Don't think I'm going anywhere now."He put his hand behind her head and kissed her deeply.He started to run his hand up the back of her shirt when the doorbell rang.He groaned and broke the kiss reluctantly."Damn it.Dinner."

 

Julie chuckled."I am kind of hungry.Don't think you can skip the wining and dining just because we've been together for awhile."

 

Harry helped her off his lap and stood up."I wouldn't, but don't make fun of me right now."He wrinkled his nose at her and then went and got the door.He tipped the delivery man and walked back in with the food.He looked for her at the table, but she wasn't there.He set the food down and looked around for her.She was standing at the patio doors looking out of them.He walked up behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist, resting his chin on her shoulder."I knew you weren't really doing as well as you were letting on.Do you want to talk to me yet?"

 

"Not really."Julie tilted her head to the side as he nuzzled her neck.She put her hands on top of his in front of her."It's nothing new, Harry.It's just reliving my past is making it hard to get back to living my present.Remembering and telling people every bad thing that happened to me, that I let happen to me, was difficult.You can't tell me that things you heard didn't cause you some doubts."

 

Harry unclasped his hands and spun her to face him."You need to listen to me, ok?Please?What you said on that stand changed nothing about the way I feel about you.It didn't change my love for you, or my relationship with you.It hurt to hear some of those details.Stuff I didn't know.Like him pushing you down a flight of stairs, or throwing a frying pan at you.It hurt, and it pissed me off.And I couldn't believe that you endured that for years, not because you let it happen as you say, but because someone thinks they can treat another human that way."

 

Julie tried to steady her breathing.She hadn't really cried in front of anyone yet after the trial.She'd wanted to make it seem like it hadn't thrown her back into a spiral, but it had.The nightmares were gripping her again.Which is why she'd chosen to stay away from Harry at night.She knew that when she had them, it tore him apart.They were so real and so intense.Even her therapy session didn't help."And the writings?You didn't question them?Him bringing up what he saw in those notebooks?"

 

"Why should I?What you write in a notebook does not make things come true.I imagine if you had that power you would have written him out of your life long before that finally happened.Even if you weren't a teenager and you wrote it, who would blame you?I had similar ideas when I was younger.Only Johnny seems to believe you can't dream and have those dreams come true."Harry cupped her cheek and used his thumb to wipe the tear that fell onto her cheek."You worry too much about us.About the people who love you.We love you because we know you.No one, especially Johnny, is going to change our opinion about you.The only person who can't seem to accept that is you."He tapped her nose gently.

 

Julie closed her eyes and nodded slowly.She should have known that she didn't have to hide from him.But, she seemed to be resorting back to her past by reliving it in her mind.She saw it, she felt it, and she believed it.She even blamed herself for things like she always did.Like saying she fell down the stairs, that he didn't push her, or that he didn't force her to do anything she didn't want.That she just decided to."I'm sorry I've been holding things back from you.I'm sorry I've been keeping my distance."

 

"Nope, I'm not going to hear it."Harry took her hand and walked her towards the table.

 

"You won't accept my apology?"Julie asked him as tears started to spill onto her cheeks.

 

"You don't need to apologize."Harry stopped and turned towards her taking both thumbs this time and wiping her tears."You went through hell, and if you needed a couple of days to pull yourself back from it, I was happy to give it to you."He rested his hands on her shoulders and bent so that he was eye to eye with her."I know you, baby.And if I thought for one minute you wouldn't be back here, standing in front of me, I would have chased you.But I knew you'd be back."

 

Julie took a few deep breaths trying not to lose it.She really didn't want to lose it.But she couldn't stop.She threw her arms around Harry's neck and lost control.She sobbed into his shoulder as he held her tightly to him.Tighter than she ever remembered being held.She took some shaky breaths and tried to calm herself, but it took three times before she was finally able to control her sobs enough to loosen her grip on Harry."I'm...."

 

"No, please don't say you're sorry again.That is exactly what I'm here for.And when you have those nightmares you've been trying to hide from me, I'll be there for those too.I know you needed time to escape from Johnny again.From seeing him, from the memories.But now that you've seen a little light.Remember, I'm here for you.Always."He lifted her hand and kissed it.

 

Julie took her free hand and ran it gently down the cast on Harry wrist."I hate, that you're hurt because of me."

 

"I'm not hurt because of you. I'm hurt because of Johnny and his big mouth."Harry wiggled his fingers in the cast."It hardly hurts anyway."

 

"If it wasn't for me, Johnny's words wouldn't have had such an impact.So, yes, it was because of me.As much as I love the fact that you want to protect me, please don't go hitting walls because he, or anyone else, has a big mouth."Julie let him guide her gently back to her seat.He handed her a napkin and then pulled the food out and dished it onto her plate."This smells amazing.And you got me extra garlic mashed potatoes.I do love that you know me."

 

"Of course I did.I saved all the icky vegetables for me."Harry smiled as he put his food onto his plate and sat beside her.He watched her pick up her fork and take a bite of the potatoes.Yep, they were good.He recognized the face when she tasted something she really liked."So, I was thinking, fresh cinnamon rolls for breakfast?Extra gooey, extra frosting?"

 

Julie looked over at him and smiled."All this yumminess talk might be turning me on, just a little."

 

"Yep, that's what I was going for.I know how to work you over, to get what I want."Harry took a bite and smiled back at her."I want my cuddle on the couch, for at least two nights in a row."

 

"Well, listen to you."Julie smiled."I think for extra potatoes and cinnamon rolls for breakfast, I can sacrifice that for you."

 

"Great.I know it will be tough for you, but I will continue to ply you with awesome yumminess to sleep in my arms for awhile."  Harry smirked as he placed a cooked piece of broccoli into his mouth.

 

"A girl can not argue about that, now can she?"Julie smiled and took another bite.Yeah, he knew her.And the fact he knew when to push and knew when to back off and be playful was amazing and eye opening.Maybe there was a thing like happy ever after.And maybe, just maybe, she had found it.She took a deep breath.She just wasn't quite ready to embrace it completely, because when she did, things tended to blow up.Maybe she would just hold onto her doubts a little while longer.

 

*********

 

About 3 a.m. Harry walked back into his room with a warm mug of milk.This was the third time Julie had woken him screaming from her nightmares.He'd gotten her to calm down pretty quickly each time, but as soon as she fell back to sleep, it would start all over again.He handed Julie the mug and sat beside her on the bed.

 

"This is why I didn't stay here.You need some sleep.And I just can't stop the dreams."Julie took a sip of the milk and then held it between her hands in her lap.

 

"Do you want to talk about them?Maybe that will help."Harry coaxed gently."And for the record, I don't ever want you to stay away because you're worried about interrupting a night of sleep."

 

"I already went to see my therapist.Nothing seems to be helping right now.I've got another appointment before we leave for Wisconsin.I just, I'm kind of tired of going back to having these nightmares all the time."Julie took another sip of the milk.

 

"I'm not surprised you're having them.You've always had them sporadically, even during the good times.They just seem to get worse through the hard times.But you said it yourself.You relived every detail.And it felt real.I wouldn't expect you to come away from that without having a little bit of trouble."Harry took the mug and set it aside when she handed it to him.He laid back and wrapped her tightly in his arms."He can't get you here.And even if he could, I would never let him."

 

Julie snuggled into his arms resting her head on his shoulder and her arm over his chest."I know, well awake me does; asleep me has a mind of her own."

 

"Well, we will just have to keep trying to convince asleep you that I've got this."Harry whispered to her as he felt her breathing even out.And as he did every time before, he hoped she slept without a nightmare.

 

Harry sighed and looked at the clock as he sat up and pulled Julie back to him.4:30 a.m.Only about an hour after they had settled back down again.He spoke calmly to her and settled her back against him.She wiped her eyes and took a couple of shaky breaths and then he watched her close her eyes."It's ok, baby.We can get through this.I'm here for you."He whispered against her head.

 

Harry rubbed his face as he was woken up by yet another scream for help.He glanced at the clock.6:30 am.He was beginning to see why Julie always seemed tired.She may not have screamed out normally, but she always had nightmares, some nights more than others.

 

"I'm just going to get up, Harry. There's no reason I should keep waking you up when you're sleeping."Julie said to him rubbing her hands over her face.She felt exhausted.Even more so than yesterday, and yesterday, she had been extremely tired.

 

"No, Amanda and Niall's party isn't until later.We can sleep on and off all morning.I'm ok."Harry spoke slow and sleepy.

 

"You're exhausted."Julie advised him.

 

"As are you, and I didn't sleep well with you not here either.I'm fine.I'm not going to let you go."He gently pulled her back down by him.

 

"But I don't want to sleep.I don't want to see it anymore."Julie stifled her cry.

 

"Don't want to see what anymore?"Harry asked looking down at her face.

 

"Him, in front of me."Julie admitted."Him, getting to me.Him enjoying every torturous moment all over again."

 

Harry sighed and kissed her head resting his lips there and closing his eyes."I know there's nothing I can do to make those memories go away.Especially when you're asleep.But I can hold you through the nightmares.You'll get through this.You always do.Because you're strong.You're always so much stronger than you think."

 

"I'm not.I feel quite the opposite.I let him get to me, AGAIN.He's controlling my thoughts and my reactions AGAIN.That seems anything but strong."Julie sighed and tried to relax.

 

"You're normal, Julie.At some point you're just going to have to accept that fact.Sorry to say."Harry kissed her head and leaned his against hers."You have feelings, and reactions, and fears, just like everyone else.I know normal is overrated.But you are.Anyone who expected you to walk out of that courtroom unfazed by it is simply stupid."

 

Julie sighed again."Ok, fine.Let's just try to sleep."

 

"In other words, shut up, Harry.I don't want to listen to you anymore?"Harry chuckled.

 

"Exactly.Shut up, Harry."She said as she closed her eyes once again.

 

"Harry?"Julie called out.She sat up in bed and didn't see him next to her.How long had she been asleep?She threw the covers off and got up walking down the stairs."Harry?"She called out again."Where are you?"She walked through the living room and then into the kitchen.He wasn't either place.She walked towards the back and opened the patio doors."Harry?Where the heck are you?"

 

"He's gone.And he's not coming back for you."Julie heard behind her in a cold, manipulative and calculating voice.This could not be happening.She turned slowly and saw Johnny with a smirk across his face."I told you I'd get his money.Seems I got the girl back, too."

 

Julie stood frozen in the doorway of the patio.How was this happening?When Johnny stepped towards her, she tried to move, but she just couldn't.She was frozen in terror."Wh-what did you d-do to him?"She asked

 

"Nothing, I didn't have to.I just waited.Now, he's out of the picture.And you're all mine again."Johnny took a step towards Julie.

 

"I'll never be yours again.Never!You're supposed to be in jail."Julie screeched stepping out of the patio doors.

 

Johnny laughed his big booming laugh."You actually thought that stupid county jail was going to be able to keep me in it?Please.You knew I'd come for you the moment the judge made his decision.And this time.The only way out, is when you're dead."

 

"Stop!No, seriously!Stop!"Julie yelled at him, but he didn't stop.He kept coming towards her.She put her hands up and begged him to stop, but he wasn't hearing her."You could at least tell me where Harry is!"

 

Johnny smirked again and pointed off behind her."Don't worry.He's going to watch."He stepped towards her again and grabbed her wrist.He turned her around and pointed her face towards Harry as he leaned down and whispered on her ear."He's going to watch me slowly make sure you pay for what you did to me."He took a hand and wrapped it in front of her neck and squeezed gently.

 

"Harry!!"Julie yelled as she struggled against Johnny's grip to get to Harry who was in a chair tied and bound by one of Johnny's friends.When she tried to pull away to go towards Harry, Johnny squeezed her throat harder.She couldn't breathe, and her sight was getting blurry.When Johnny loosened his grip, she sucked some air into her lungs as she struggled to catch her breath.

 

"Too quick."He leaned down to her ear again."Plus, I want to feel you, one, more time.I want my body all over yours."He licked her neck and lifted his eyes over her shoulder to look at Harry."I need to let him watch.Let him see how much you used to enjoy this."

 

Julie shook her head."Just let him go!It's me that screwed you over.Not him."

 

"Oh, he fucked me over, too.And you, well, we all know what happens when you disobey me."Johnny stepped towards her again and shoved her, hard. 

 

Julie fell backwards and straight into the pool.She struggled to get to the surface, but she couldn't get there.She was drowning.She could see Harry, but he couldn't seem to grasp where she was.She surfaced once and screamed as she was pushed back under the water by a large hand.She could hear Harry, but she couldn't quite get him to help her.

 

"Julie, baby, Julie."Harry shook Julie's shoulder when she wouldn't wake."It was only a dream, love.And we are still here.We are ok."He shook her a little more forceful."Julie!!Wake up, please!"

 

Julie groaned and opened her eyes.She looked into Harry's deep concerned eyes and took a few deep breaths.

 

"Another scream nightmare?"Julie asked him sighing again.

 

"Yeah, sorry, figured I'd better wake you.You seemed even more scared.You were flailing and kicking around and screaming out for me."Harry gave her a bottle of water and listened to her as she broke down the dream for him.Gist, Johnny came in, got to Harry, wanted her and would have Harry watch Johnny torture her.Yeah, he'd scream, too.

 

Harry looked at Julie and pulled her down one more time."Come on, fifth or sixth time has to be the charm."He opened his arms just one more time, once again, wishing those nightmares away.

 

Oh to be protected by those arms, and those calming words....where do I find one of him...


	80. Chapter 80

Harry watched Amanda walk up to him later that night.  He knew why she was coming for him.  People would be arriving any time now for the party.  The four of them were at Harry's now, would all have dinner and a little fun, and then the girls were to go off to Niall's and the guys were staying here.  One last hoorah in LA before heading off to Ireland.  Well, tomorrow night Julie and he would be heading for a short stop to Wisconsin to see her family, and then on to Ireland.  He hoped it did her some good.  He shook his head remembering Amanda was headed over to him.  He smiled at her. "Hey, something need to be done?"

 

"You know dang well why I came over to you."  She shook her head and chuckled.

 

"She was with you for how many nights in a row?  She's only stayed with me last night."  Harry patted Amanda's shoulder.  "You had her more."

 

"No, she came in, went straight to her room, and I didn't even get to see her often at all.  And she wouldn't tell me anything."  Amanda told him exasperated.

 

"Well you are just about to be married.  She doesn't want to worry you, so she tries way too hard not to."  Harry wrapped his arm around Amanda's shoulders.

 

"Yeah. But there were times I heard her in the night.  I know she's having nightmares, but she avoids talking to me."  Amanda pouted.

 

"Some things never change."  Harry laughed looking down at Amanda pouting.  "Yes, the nightmares have gotten pretty bad.  But, I've got her.  You worry about getting married, and I'll make sure she gets through this and is there for you fully."  He kissed her head.  "I promise, if I don't think I can handle it, you'll be the first to know.  But, I like being able to be there for her.

 

Amanda sighed.  "I can get married and be there for my best friend."

 

"You can, and you are.  Everyone knows that."  When the doorbell rang, Harry removed his arm from Amanda's shoulders.  "Saved by the bell."  Harry smiled and went and answered the door.  People showed up over the next 45 minutes or so until everyone was there.  They sat down and had a wonderful catered meal.  They had a few drinks with dinner and then listened to some music picked especially for Niall and Amanda.  So far, everything was going smoothly.

 

Harry kept an eye on Julie through the night, but she seemed to be doing ok.  He'd seen her talk to most people at one time or another.  He saw some smiles.  He could tell she was tired, emotional, but she was doing what she needed for her best friend.  He turned towards one of the girl's friends from the hospital when she tried to get everyone's attention.

 

"Hey, everyone.  My name's Kristen, I've worked at the hospital with both Amanda and JJ before.  There's this, thing, we used to do when we all went out as single, very, very, single nurses.  We knew this day would come for one of us, eventually."  She turned to watch a few other girls from the hospital join them.  "Uh, JJ.  Where are you?  Amanda may not be able to do this with us, but we still need you."

 

Julie's eyes widened when she heard Kristen.  She knew exactly what she was referring to.  And no way was she going to partake in any such thing in front of Harry and his friends.  Besides she wasn't drinking tonight.  Usually when they got her to do this, she was already a few drinks in.  She'd only had a half of glass of champagne to toast at dinner.  She vigorously shook her head no at the girls.  She turned and planted her feet when Amanda tried to push her forward.  "Panda!! I'm not doing this."  She told her with no room for argument.

 

"Yes, JJ, you are.  I'll do it with you.  Come on."  Amanda told her still pushing her towards where the girls were standing.

 

"Oh, come on.  Show us what they're talking about.  We are all curious now."  Louis laughed.

 

"Shut up, Lou!"  Julie called out over her shoulder, but she found herself standing with the girls.

 

"Alright, Amanda, we will let you play.  But, you've kind of graduated from our little club."  Kristen said.  She pulled on Julie's light denim jacket.

 

Julie sighed and removed her jacket so that she was just in the sequin tank top she had on underneath.  Oh, the things she did for Amanda.  She talked to Kristen and couldn't help but laugh.  They had talked about this plan when someone got married, but she never thought it would actually occur.  She should have known it would happen with this group.

 

Harry smiled when Julie pulled her hair back into a pony tail and stood with the girls backwards but looking over their shoulders.  He was looking forward to this.  He raised his drink to her and laughed when she shook her head.  He could tell she was embarrassed which made him even more curious.  He wrinkled his eyebrows when every second girl looked away.  Then he heard the music start.  Beyoncé's "All The Single Ladies" was blaring out of the speakers.

 

The girls took turns looking out at them and then backwards through the alternating lines of 'all the single ladies' at the start of the song.  He shook his head at the little dance moves they had obviously rehearsed.  He wondered when this had started.  When the lyric 'if you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it' came up.  They lifted Amanda's hand and pointed to the ring on her finger.

 

Harry nudged Niall, and they laughed and shook their heads but then turned back to the girls.  "Did you expect this?"  Harry asked Niall.

 

"Not in the least.  Apparently, JJ didn't either."  Niall yelled over the music.  "They look good though."

 

"Yeah."  Harry took a deep breath thinking of this happening in a club and other guys' eyes on them.  "Maybe too good."  He mumbled under his breath.  He watched the girls push Amanda to the side when they were finishing the song.  And he couldn't help but laugh out loud when he saw them wrap Julie in a housecoat with stuffed cats attached to it.  He whistled and cheered loudly with the rest of the crowd when they were done.

 

Julie covered her face with her hands when they were done with their little routine.  She laughed and hugged the girls though.  When Amanda walked up to her and pet a stuffed cat she laughed.  "You were supposed to be wearing one of these with me.  Not the one getting married, remember."  She hugged Amanda.  "Now looks like I'm the crazy cat lady alone."

 

"But you don't even have a cat."  Harry said wrapping his arms around Julie's waist from behind.

 

"Sure I do.  Apparently I have like...."  She started counting the cats on the robe.  "10."

 

Niall came up and kissed Amanda's lips quick. "Is this what you girls do on your days off?"

 

Amanda laughed and looked at Niall.  "Before you, this happened a lot.  But the robe is new.  We always said we'd have one when someone actually got 'a ring put on it', but I actually never saw it happening."

 

"Very cute.  But I just imagined a club full of men watching y'all dancing like Beyoncé, and I have to say, I'm kinda glad you're the one who has the ring."  Niall laughed.

 

"What?  I think she'd look cute in cats."  Julie stuffed.  "Ok, I think I'm going to take this off now."  She shrugged her shoulders out of the robe and laid it over the chair.  She turned to watch Amanda and Niall roaming the room and talking to everyone.

 

"So, crazy cat lady, huh?"  Harry asked turning her so she was facing him.

 

"Yeah, that's what we said we'd all be someday.  Just a bunch of single, crazy cat ladies."  She said looking up at him.

 

"You still think that?"  Harry asked her sliding his hand down her arm and then lacing his fingers with hers.

 

"I don't know.  It's all been a joke from the start.  Someone gets a boyfriend, we're all happy for them, and next thing ya know, we're all up there singing the song 'cuz no one got the ring.  Happens often."  Julie shrugged.  "And now, someone finally got the ring."

 

"So, this song happened when we broke up?"  Harry asked her curiously.

 

"More so when you first wanted me to give you another try.  They thought I should have sung it to you directly."  She said looking over at Amanda and nodding.  "Ok, it's time for us ladies to get going, I guess."  Julie looked down at their hands together.

 

Harry wanted to say more about the song, and the thought of her singing it to him directly, but he figured now wasn't the time.  He took his free hand and lifted Julie's chin with his fingers.  "Are you ok?"

 

"Just, what if I have nightmares if I fall asleep?"  Julie sighed.  "I don't want to make a fool of myself with everyone there."

 

"They're your friends, Julie.  None of them would think that."  It was his turn to sigh when she looked up at him.  "I know it's scary.  If you need me, call me. You know I'll be there."

 

"Yeah. 'Cuz coming here and screaming in the presence of all your friends would be better."  Julie rolled her eyes.

 

"I will come to you."  He let her waist go and took her face into his hands.  "You're going to get through this."  He squished her cheeks and then kissed her nose.  "Trust me."

 

"I trust you.  I don't trust my dreams."  She said slapping his hands away from her face.  "Ok, I'll see you sometime tomorrow."  She took a deep breath and then kissed him.

 

"Alright, break it up."  Amanda said walking up and pushing them apart.  "She's mine for the night."  She wrapped her arm around JJ.  "Right, JJ?  We don't have many nights left before I'm married for her to change my mind."

 

"Change your mind?"  Niall walked up.  "What does that mean?"

 

"You know, by convincing me that I belong with her instead."  Amanda smiled sweetly.

 

"Oh, for fucks sake."  Niall groaned.  "Must you two always go there?  If I hear of any make out sessions when I'm not there...."

 

"You'll be extremely mad that you weren't there to see it?"  Julie asked Niall.

 

"Yes, that's it completely."  Niall glared playfully at JJ.

 

"Oh, face it Niall.  We've known from the start that we are no match for the two of them."  Harry grabbed Amanda and hugged her.

 

"See, sometimes he is the smart one."  Amanda giggled and hugged Harry back.  "I'll take care of her, I promise."  She whispered in his ear.

 

"Don't be jealous, Niall.  I had her first."  Julie said accepting a hug from him.  "You knew that.  You interrupted our love affair."

 

"Yeah, shut up, JJ."  Niall scolded her.  He kissed her cheek.  "Behave.  Please."

 

"It's just a good thing you two have money.  We can't last in jail. We would need to be bailed out."  Julie called over her shoulder as Amanda pulled her towards the door.  Both the girls waved over their shoulders as they made their way out the door with all the other women joining them at Niall's place.

 

The girls were all sitting around Niall's living room about an hour later.  Julie looked up and took a glass of wine Kristen had brought her.  "Thanks."  She said to Kristen.

 

"You say thanks, but you haven't really drunk anything tonight.  We're supposed to be celebrating Amanda's demise, er, I mean wedding."  Kristen joked.

 

"Hey!"  Amanda protested.  "It is not my demise.  I couldn't have found a better guy!"

 

"Yeah, yeah, your own Mr. McDreamy."  Another nurse Katie said.

 

"He is."  Amanda laughed.  "You lot are just jealous."

 

"Damn straight."  They all said at once and giggled.  They used that phrase often as a group, so it wasn't uncommon for them to say it at the same time.

 

"What about you, JJ?  Should we expecting the ring on your finger anytime soon?"  Katie asked.

 

Julie almost spit the wine from her mouth.  "Hey, this night is about Amanda, not me.  Bother her."

 

Kristen laughed.  "We're not bothering anyone.  We're talking as friends."

 

Julie shook her head.  "I'm so not commenting."  She wasn't ready to think about all of that.  She still wasn't sure she could have a happily ever after type relationship.

 

"Come on, JJ."  Amanda prodded.  "Hell, even I'm curious."

 

"Are we not supposed to have like, strippers and shots, and dick-shaped cupcakes or something."  Julie countered getting up off her spot on the floor.

 

All the girls laughed, Amanda especially.  "I didn't expect to hear those words come out of your mouth!"  Amanda laughed harder.  "Where are you going?!"  She called out to JJ.

 

"To make dick-shaped cupcakes!"  Julie called back as she went to the kitchen.  "And to order a stripper!"

 

"You're seriously talking about all that to avoid answering a SIMPLE question?!"  Amanda shouted to her.

 

"When is anything simple?"  Julie said getting ingredients to bake out of the cabinets.

 

Amanda laughed and looked at Kristen.  "Bad news is we've shut her down; good news is we're bound to have some good food to eat.  If we push her anymore, we may get a 7-course midnight snack."  She got up and looked at the girls.  "I'll get more wine."

 

She walked into the kitchen and saw Julie measuring ingredients into a bowl.  "You're really making dick cupcakes?"

 

"I figured I'd make cupcakes; y'all are dicks so, same concept."  Julie shrugged and went back to her cupcakes.

 

"No, we are not.  They just asked a question."  Amanda laughed.  "You're so strange.  After all this time, you'd think I'd understand you."

 

"Panda, you're pushing your luck."  Julie started to stir the cake mix.

 

"Why?  'Cuz we're in the kitchen with forks?"  Amanda chuckled.  "Be warned.  I'm asking you again when you come back into the living room.  And you are SO coming back into the living room."  She took the bottle of wine and walked around pouring it into the girls' glasses.

 

"Is she ok?"  Katie asked as Amanda poured her more wine.

 

"Yeah, she's just JJ."  Amanda set the almost empty bottle on the table.  "She won't want to think about it."

 

"But she and Harry, they're good?"  Kristen asked.

 

"Yeah, they seem to be.  We don't really talk about it.  But I'm pretty sure I'd know if they weren't.  They are two very stubborn people.  But they can't live without each other.  They tried that.  It even got messier."  Amanda explained.

 

"Lord, this party isn't even about me, yet y'all keep talking like it is."  Julie returned from the kitchen and grabbed her glass of wine.  "I definitely think I need more to drink to get through this night."

 

"That's my girl."  Kristen said to her.  "Seriously, why does that question freak you out so much?"

 

Julie looked around the room.  Way too much detail to get into.  "Niall and Amanda have always been 6 steps ahead of Harry and me.  And that's ok.  We spent a year apart.  And have only been back together like 5 months.  And things are great; they really are.  We're together, and we're understanding more about each other each day.  But we aren't anywhere near a place in our relationship to consider any rings on any fingers."

 

Kristen shook her head.  "You're afraid of everything, aren't you?"

 

"She's not afraid of snakes."  Amanda laughed.  "She enjoys many kinds of those."  Amanda laughed harder when she got hit from a pillow being flung from across the room.  She had to hold her wine glass up so it didn't spill.

 

"Actually, not a big fan these days.  Things change.  Not so much scared though."  Julie replied.  "I have to go put the cupcake batter into the cups and bake them.  Y'all take on another topic when I'm gone.  One that does not involve me.  Ask Amanda about the wedding details.  She'll still be talking when I'm pulling out the last batch."  Julie sidestepped the pillow that Amanda now threw at her.  "Don't even try and deny it, Panda."

 

Back at Harry's house, the drinks were plentiful and fun was evident.  Harry watched the newest pair of opponents battling it out on his ping pong table.  He had a drink in his hand and a house full of friends.  It was a great night and a needed distraction from everything going on.  So, it may not be what a typical bachelor party was normally, but it was nice.  Niall was more chill anyway.  He liked to go out, but this was more his style.  He smiled at Niall when Niall walked up to him.  "Hey, man. Great time, yeah?"

 

"Yeah, I love it.  Having everyone here has been a lot of fun.  And watching the girls earlier reminded me what I'm marrying into.  Oh, I can't wait for the wedding night and the honeymoon."  Niall laughed.

 

"Yeah, yeah, they were hot.  But I could have gone without the visual."  Harry clapped Niall on the back.

 

"Oh, now you sound like JJ."  Niall chuckled.

 

"Speaking of her, Hazz."  Liam walked over to them.  "When's the ring showing up on her finger?"

 

Harry's eyes widened as he looked at Liam and then saw Louis and some others looking over at him.  "Oh, for fucks sake.  Maybe you all should have gone with the girls if you wanted to gossip.  Being a bunch of chatty Cathy's right now."

 

"Avoiding the question.  Smooth, Hazz.  But, we're used to that.  So, what's the deal?"  Louis asked taking a sip of his drink.

 

"There's no deal.  We haven't even been back together that long.  And you all know things are complicated."  Harry shifted from one foot to the other.

 

"Why are you getting so nervous, man?"  Niall laughed.

 

"First, we aren't having this conversation."  Harry advised.  "And second, like I would share with any of you how and when I was going to do it."

 

"Ah, so you have thought about it."  Louis determined.

 

"You have a plan, don't you?"  Liam added.

 

"Maybe he already knows all of it."  Niall teased.

 

"Fuck all of you."  Harry laughed.  "I know better. I have no plans.  All I know is things are good.  And I will take them as they are.  You lot will be one of the first to find out, if and when it ever happens.  But no one will find out before."

 

"Spoil sport."  Louis proclaimed taking his place back at the ping pong table.

 

"You sure you don't want to go join the girls, Lou?"  Harry asked again.  "Seems you need a good talk session."

 

"Maybe I will, maybe I'll ask JJ the same question.  See what I get out of her."  Louis challenged.

 

"Oh, fuck no.  I don't think you want to do that."  Harry chuckled.

 

"Yeah, I never thought there would be anyone more determined not to get married than Harry.  But he's met his match."  Niall laughed drinking his beer.

 

"Oh, we are done with this conversation."  Harry shook his head and pulled out his phone.

 

"She's busy, Harry.  You can go one night without her."  Louis yelled to him.  He laughed loudly when Harry gave him the middle finger.  "That boy is in deep.  Isn't he?"  He smirked when everyone agreed with him.  "It's good to finally see."  He picked up the ping pong ball and continued his match.

 


	81. Chapter 81

The evening after the bachelor/bachelorette party, Amanda and Niall headed to Ireland while Julie and Harry made a pit stop in Wisconsin for a couple of days before going to Ireland for the wedding.  The days spent at Julie's home went rather well, all things considering.  Harry enjoyed it.  Julie's family lived on a lake in a very small neighborhood.  Most of their neighbors were older couples who lived on their own and had no idea who he was other than the boy the neighbor girl brought home.  They got to walk freely and go out to restaurants and spend time with her family without having to worry about cameras, paps, or fans.

 

Harry and Julie were now sitting on the plane in first class, on their way to Ireland.  Even the small airport they departed from gave him no issues.  He had to see if they could spend more time there.  On his downtime, it would be nice to be an unknown.  He looked over at Julie seated next to him. She was still tired. She'd had nightmares every night, and she had asked him not to let her sleep on the flight, as she had a fear of screaming out in terror on a crowded airplane.  "Hey, baby, how are you doing?"  He took her hand and laced his fingers through hers.  "You look so tired. I wish you'd try to sleep.  When I'm not asleep. I can tell when you're getting worked up, and I can wake you before you get so deep into your dreams."

 

"But what if you fall asleep?"  Julie sighed.  "I just think it's best if I stay awake.  I hope the medication the doctor prescribed helps me soon.  I don't know how much more I can take."

 

Harry lifted her hand to his lips and kissed the back of it gently.  "You'll get through it.  When you aren't asleep, you do better and better each day. Eventually your subconscious will have to catch up."

 

"Yeah, one would hope.  But at least for the next few days, I hope I'm able to just concentrate on my best friend's wedding and not have to worry about freaking out every night.  Maybe I should drink more alcohol each night.  Passing out may be a good option."

 

"Yeah, until you deal with the hang over the next morning.  You don't deal well with those."  Harry laughed.

 

"Yep, you are correct.  They are horrible."  Julie agreed nodding her head.  "Ok, I'm going to relax, and if I fall asleep, you better not.  And if you think you're going to, then wake me, please."

 

"Yes, ma'am."  Harry play saluted her.  "You have my word."

 

"Don't be a jerk."  Julie closed her eyes and laid her head on his shoulder.

 

"It's in my DNA, love."  Harry chuckled and pulled out a magazine to read to try and stay awake.

 

************

 

After Julie and Harry landed in Ireland, they went and checked into their hotel.  Niall had booked the hotel for them, and he definitely made sure they weren't going to need for anything.  The room was amazing.  Julie walked over to the sliding glass doors and pulled the curtains open taking in the beautiful sight before her.  "Well, he went a bit overboard, don't you think?"

 

Harry walked up behind Julie and wrapped his arms around her waist resting his chin on her shoulder.  "Maybe."  He whispered kissing her neck lightly.

 

"It wasn't Niall, was it?"  Julie asked feeling another light kiss on her neck.  "You didn't need to do this, Harry."

 

"I know I didn't.  But it's your first time in Ireland, and your best friend is marrying my best friend.  I figured we could celebrate in style."  Harry tightened his arms around her waist.

 

"You realize it's about their celebration, not ours, yeah?"  Julie questioned.

 

"Well, yes, but it's also ours.  We will sleep well, go do all our wedding duties, see our friends commit to each other, celebrate with them until they leave for their honeymoon, and then, we come back here.  And have our own little mini honeymoon."  Harry spun Julie so she was facing him.  "You've gone through a lot.  WE'VE gone through a lot.  We deserve this, too."

 

"Well, even though I know I'm usually self-absorbed and think everything is about me, I'd really like to make this all about my best friend."  Julie replied putting her hands on Harry's chest.  "I appreciate everything you do for me.  But for the next few days, you're going to come second to Panda.  Sorry."

 

"Don't I always?"  Harry asked laughing.

 

Julie rolled her eyes.  "Really?  I doubt Panda would agree with that.  In fact, I'm pretty sure everyone, other than you, in my life wouldn't agree with that."

 

"So hurtful."  Harry grabbed his chest.

 

"So dramatic."  Julie slapped his hands which he placed over his heart and stepped away.  "I need to shower and then go find Panda.  She's going to be married in three days.  I imagine I have some people to save from her."

 

Harry laughed.  "Well I won't argue with you there.  Hopefully, you can keep her from becoming a bridezilla."

 

"She's not that bad, Harry.  And watch out, that is my best friend you're talking about.  I won't hesitate to take you down."  Julie grabbed her clothes from her suitcase.  "If you're a good boy, then maybe after the wedding, I'll let you show me around Ireland and the surrounding areas."

 

"So unselfish."  Harry sat on the edge of the bed and leaned back on his hands.

 

"Of course, it's all about you, babe."  Julie blew a kiss at him and then shut the bathroom door.

 

Harry chuckled and then fell back on the bed looking up at the ceiling.  Things were hard, but they were slowly getting back to normal during the day at least.  He just hoped at some point she could get away from those nightmares.  Soon his first single would be coming out, and then his album, and a tour.  He didn't want to leave her while she was still screaming out in fear every night.  He would ask, but he knew her stubborn ass wouldn't agree to just tour the world with him.  Even though she could write anywhere.  Maybe, he had a small shot in convincing her.  He had to try.

 

A few hours later, Julie and Amanda were walking the venue that Amanda and Niall would be married in.  Julie had seen pictures and knew it was an amazing place, but she was taken aback at the sight in person.  The sheer size was astonishing enough, but the beauty of the architecture caught her senses off guard.  She was awed by the grandeur of the place and got goosebumps thinking of all the lives these walls had seen.  Never did a building make her feel so much all at once.

 

Amanda watched JJ study the enormity of Castle Durrow.  It really was perfect for her fairy tale wedding.  The look of astonishment on JJ's face was enough to convince her that she made the right choice.  "Beautiful, right?"

 

"Yeah, more than beautiful."  Julie's eyes kept wandering over the marble flooring and the windows adorning every wall.  "It's definitely made for a princess, and we all know you're Niall's princess."

 

"Yeah, it's a lot, but it's beautiful.  And I knew as soon as I saw it that I wanted to be married here."  She linked her arm with JJ's.  "And I'm glad I get to marry the man of my dreams with my best friend by my side."

 

"Isn't Niall supposed to be your best friend now?"  Julie asked tearing her eyes away from the building and looking at Amanda.

 

"He can't be what you are to me.  So yes, he is my best friend, but you are, too.  And you bring to my life what he can't.  I need you both."

 

"Like what?  Chaos and destruction?  Is that what I bring and he doesn't?  Because if that's the case, I think you'd want to lose it."  Julie shrugged.

 

"You're impossible, do you know that?"  Amanda asked shaking her head.

 

"Sure, I've been told that loads of times."  Julie shrugged her shoulders again.  "Ok, so this is where you're going to say your I do's.  Where are you going to party?"

 

Amanda laughed.  "You mean the reception?"

 

"Tomato, tomahto."  Julie raised an eyebrow.

 

"Lord, help me."  Amanda looked up at the ceiling.

 

"Right place to ask, but pretty sure he doesn't have time to scold me for calling it a party."  Julie reasoned.

 

"Shut up, JJ."  Amanda said elbowing her best friend and leading her to the reception area of the castle.  "It's so nice to be able to have everything all in the same place.  Less travel and more party."

 

"See, I knew you agreed with the party thing."  Julie grinned as she looked around the room.  "I can't wait to see it all set up.  It's going to be perfect.  And you deserve that."

 

"As do you, JJ."  Amanda looked intently at Julie.  "When you're ready, you deserve the perfect wedding, too."

 

"I'm no princess, Panda, and I won't pretend I am."  Julie looked at Amanda.  "And I'm still not convinced happily ever after is in my future."

 

"Do you see Harry in your future?"  Amanda asked in a serious tone as they walked around the room some more.

 

Julie sighed heavily.  "This is not a discussion we are supposed to be having two and a half days before you get married.  Let's talk about you."

 

"Give me a distraction from all of this wedding madness."  Amanda led Julie to a couple of chairs against the wall of the dining hall.

 

"For the foreseeable future?  Of course, I do."  Julie paused for a minute.  "We're good as we are right now.  I don't think I want to look too much into the future.  It scares me."

 

"Why?  I know your answer always is that you're different, but seriously, why can't you just, for a bit, think about what all this could be for you?"  Amanda took Julie's hand in hers.

 

"If I answer you, the best I can right now, can we go back to the wedding?"  Julie looked up at Amanda.  "Panda, seriously, I've had too much of me and my issues lately.  Let's just live your happiness for now, and worry about mine later."

 

"I'm always thinking of your happiness, just as you do mine, but yes, if you answer the best you can right now, I'll drop it."  Amanda promised.

 

Julie looked down at her hand with Amanda's and tried to gather her thoughts.  She was silent for quite some time before she started to speak.  "Because every time I look to the future, I only see my past.  Johnny, and having to leave home, and Harry leaving me at my weakest moment."  She looked up at Amanda.  "And as happy as I am for you and Niall, I see you married with kids and a family and no time for my crazy ass."

 

"That will never happen."  Amanda looked Julie dead in the eyes.  "You are my family, JJ.  And Niall's, too.  Why would you think that we would ever turn our back on you because we were too busy?"

 

"Everyone always leaves."  Julie said quietly.

 

"Not everyone.  Some people you needed to remove from your life.  Like Johnny, and the others, who decided not to be your friends because of him, I'm glad they are gone.  Things haven't always been easy for us, JJ, but you are my family.  Do not ever doubt that for a second."  Amanda wiped a tear that fell onto Julie's cheek.

 

"I'm trying."  Julie reached up and wiped her tears.  "Now is not the time for this.  I will be just as messed up when you get back from your honeymoon as I am now.  You can try to save me then."  Julie got to her feet.  "Come on, I know you have more to show me."

 

"Always changing the subject."  Amanda sighed standing up.

 

"Only when you insist on talking about me way too much when it's only supposed to be about you, and maybe Niall a little bit."  Julie pulled Amanda's hand.  "Tomorrow you're making me have another spa like day, with the works, isn't that enough torture?  Do you have to dredge up all my crazy insecurities while it happens?"

 

"It's not torture, JJ.  It's supposed to be nice and relaxing."  Amanda shook her head.  "I guess it's true when they say opposites attract.  At least in this friendship."

 

"Agree to disagree."  Julie walked outside with Amanda.  "You should see the hotel room Harry got us.  You and I are going to have a great space for the night before your wedding."

 

"Yeah, he wouldn't let us take care of your hotel room, like we did for everyone else.  He insisted."  Amanda got into the car that Niall hired to escort the girls wherever they needed to go.  She watched Julie get in and then continued.  "We tried."

 

"I'm pretty sure that Harry can manage.  I doubt it put him in financial trouble."  Julie rolled her eyes.

 

"Why must you be such a sarcastic brat?"  Amanda asked her.

 

"Because it's in my DNA."  Julie used what Harry had to her earlier about him being a jerk.  Seemed to fit.  She watched out the window as they drove along.

 

"You like Ireland?"  Amanda asked watching JJ scan the country passing them by.

 

"It amazes me how different each country is.  Now, I know I haven't been to a ton, but everything is so different.  From look to feel.  I love it."  Julie smiled at Amanda.  "I love that you're getting married here.  It just feels....right."

 

"Yeah, it does.  We talked about LA, and even London.  But this is his home.  I want to be a part of that.  Of his heritage.  Once I got here to look for places to get married, there was no question this was it."  Amanda smiled and leaned back against the seat.  "And it's all real right now.  All this planning and everything that's happened, it's here.  And it's going so fast."

 

"Slow down and enjoy every moment.  This is your time, my friend.  Don't take any of it for granted."  Julie leaned her head on Amanda's shoulder.  "I'm going to miss you though."

 

"Miss me how?  I'm only gonna be gone like 10 days for my honeymoon."  Amanda looked at Julie's face.  "What am I missing?"

 

"I was going to wait to tell you, but, I found an apartment.  It's just a little studio with a month to month lease, but it's all I need."  Julie picked up her head when Amanda didn't say anything.  "You're getting married, Panda.  You and Niall deserve to have your house to yourself."

 

"I don't want you to go, and as far as I know, and I know him well, neither does Niall.  Why can't you just accept that?"  Amanda asked.

 

"I do. I'm not saying you want me out.  I'm just saying it feels right to be out of your way when you get back from your honeymoon.  Have a chance to be a happy married couple without worrying about someone else being around and in the way."  Julie explained.

 

"You've never been in our way before; why would you be now?"  Amanda wanted to know.

 

"It just seems different when you're going to be married."  Julie advised.

 

"Julie, either you are in your room or you're at Harry's."  Amanda argued back.  "You're not in the way."

 

"I don't want to argue about this.  But Harry's not going to be in LA forever.  He will be coming back to London for quite a bit of time soon, for his single and album release.  And then he's got the movie promotion and then he's going on tour.  So, I'd be spending a lot of time in your way."  Julie explained.

 

"Niall's going to be releasing an album this year, too, and probably touring."  Amanda looked at JJ again.

 

"Yeah, but you're going to be his wife.  You'll go with him."  Julie informed.

 

"Not necessarily.  I do have a life outside of Niall, ya know."  Amanda crossed her arms.

 

"Yes, stubborn, I realize that."  Julie raised an eyebrow.

 

"Pot, meet kettle."  Amanda raised an eyebrow right back at Julie.

 

Julie laughed and laid her head back on the seat and closed her eyes.  "Well, it's just about a done deal, so, once again.  I don't want to argue with you about it."

 

"Just because you say we're done, doesn't mean we're done."  Amanda protested.  "I have a say in this, too.  And I think you're being ridiculous."

 

"Panda.  At some point, you're going to have to let me go and be a big girl all on my own."  Julie opened one eye and looked at Amanda.

 

"I will, when Harry and you get married, I'll allow you to live with him."  Amanda advised.

 

"Really?"  Julie chuckled.  "Well, that may be never."

 

"Well, I don't agree with that, but then so what?  You stay with me forever then."  Amanda stated matter-of-factly.

 

"Not a chance."  Julie sat up and looked at Amanda again.  "I love you to pieces, Panda.  As much as I love anyone else.  But I need to grow up.  I need to stop being protected.  I need to know what I can do on my own."  Julie explained.

 

"Just having a safe place to live does not take away you're ability to 'grow up', as you put it."  Amanda put her hand on Julie's knee.  "And, well, you will never stop being protected.  No matter where you are.  That's what friends do.  And whether you choose to admit it or not, you do that for other people also."

 

"I have no idea why I'm labeled the stubborn one.  Seriously, because I swear you're the most stubborn person I have ever met."  Julie admonished.

 

"I learned it from you."  Amanda said proudly.

 

"No, you didn't.  I've never had a problem letting people go."  Julie corrected her.

 

"Maybe, but stubborn is a trait you wear well."  Amanda told Julie.  "Let me talk to Niall.  There's that separate pool slash guest house in the back.  It has its own entrance and driveway.  It'd be like a small place of your own if we fix it up.  I'd feel better if you stayed.  I know where the cheaper places are, where you would go, and I don't want you there."

 

"Ugh, you're impossible."  Julie sighed again.  "I swear you are."

 

"I'm not.  Have you told Harry about this yet?"  Amanda watched Julie bite her lip and look down at her hands.  "You didn't, and you know why?"

 

"I'm sure you're going to tell me."  Julie took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

 

"Because you knew he'd feel the same as I do.  You need to be somewhere safe.  Especially because you're with him.  And you know it, too."  Amanda looked at Julie's down turned eyes.  "JJ, whether it's right or not, being with Harry makes things a bit more complicated.  If you're not ready to move in with him, then let me help you stay somewhere safe.  Could you promise me one thing?"  Amanda continued when Julie didn't say anything.  "Could you wait to make a decision until after I get back from my honeymoon?"

 

Julie closed her eyes and clenched her jaw for a moment, but then opened her eyes and relaxed.  "Fine, but only because I don't want you thinking about me at all during your honeymoon.  But don't think I'm giving up all that easy."

 

"Never would I ever do that."  Amanda laughed and shook her head.  "Never, ever, would I think anything would come easy with you."

 

Only a bit left in this story....I've been writing it for almost 2 years now, between TTD and Free.....

It's been a huge part of me....


	82. Chapter 82

The following day, the girls spent all day getting massages and their hair done, manicures and pedicures, and every other thing you could put in a day that involved girls being girls together.  After all the pampering, Amanda took Julie out to eat at a cute little restaurant.  She ordered them both a glass of wine prior to the meal.

 

"I'm quite proud of you, today."  Amanda raised her glass towards Julie.

 

"Yeah, I managed pretty well being a proper girl today."  Julie clinked her glass with Amanda's and took a drink.  "I can't believe tomorrow is the rehearsal dinner and then you get married the day after already.  I swear we just met Niall.  I have no idea where the time went."

 

Amanda chuckled into her wine glass.  "JJ, you're a liar.  Think about all that's happened in the 2 ½ years since we met Niall.  SO much has happened it actually seems like it's been longer."

 

Julie shrugged her shoulders and looked over the menu.  "Maybe, I mean a lot did happen, but seems like it happened so fast.  Just doesn't seem like it's been that much time."

 

"Yeah, I guess it can seem both ways sometimes."  Amanda agreed.  "I already know what I'm getting.  Their Guinness Beef Stew with Cheddar Herb Dumplings is amazing."

 

"How about you share that with me, and I'll get the Sheppard's Pie and share with you."  Julie propositioned Amanda.

 

"Sounds great."  Amanda nodded.  "Wonder what the boys are up to?"

 

Julie's answer was delayed when the waiter came over and took their orders.

 

"Hello, my name is David, and I'll be your server today.  What can I get started for you tonight?"  He asked with a smile.

 

Amanda ordered for both of them and asked for a glass of water for each.  She thanked him and then looked at Julie.  "So, what do you think they are up to?"  Referring to Harry and Niall.

 

Julie shrugged.  "Not sure I want to know.  Let them have their fun while they're rid of us.  Not sure about Niall, but Harry probably needs a break from me.  Luckily, he's used to very little sleep.  I keep him on his toes."

 

"Niall probably needs a break from me, too.  I've sort of been wedding obsessed for quite some time."  Amanda laughed ruefully.  "He's probably refrained from telling me to shut up a million times."  Amanda took a breath and then looked at Julie.  "I really wish you didn't have all those nightmares, JJ.  It just gives me another reason why I hate Johnny."

 

Julie gave Amanda a small smile.  "Yeah, I wish they'd go away, too.  I just need to figure out what I'm suppressing that's causing them.  I just don't know what it is."

 

"So, you think you're not dealing with something that's causing you the nightmares?"  Amanda thought about it.  "I don't know.  You've faced a lot lately.  I don't see what you could be suppressing."

 

"Yeah, me neither, otherwise I'd just deal with it.  But my therapist seems to think there's something I'm not dealing with."  Julie looked up when David appeared with more drinks and appetizers.

 

"So, what are two beautiful women like yourselves doing out alone tonight?"  David asked them as he set down the water and the appetizer.

 

"Celebrating her last couple days of being a free woman."  Julie replied gesturing towards Amanda.  "She's gonna become the old ball and chain shortly."

 

Amanda laughed at Julie.  "Yeah, I'm getting married day after tomorrow, but I doubt I'm considered the old ball and chain."

 

David smiled.  "Ah, I see.  I'm sure you'll make a beautiful bride."  He checked out Julie's ring finger.  "What about you?  You ready to take the plunge?"

 

Julie shook her head.  Now even strangers were asking about her marriage plans.  Strangers with Irish accents.  "Yeah, not there yet.  I'll have plenty of wedding shenanigans with hers."

 

"So, single and ready to mingle?"  He smiled at her.

 

"No."  Amanda spoke for Julie.  "She's not single. She's just not getting married, yet."

 

Julie chuckled at Amanda's quick response.  She thanked David and looked at Amanda when he walked away.  "You could have let him flirt a little.  It wouldn't have hurt anything.  It's not like I'd be going home with him."

 

"You don't need to be flirting with anyone.  You've got Harry."  Amanda took some of the appetizer and put it on her plate.

 

"Who I will be going home to.  Or, well, not home, but the hotel.  Oh hell, you know what I mean."  Julie laughed.  "Can always look at the menu, just can't order."

 

"Ugh, that's so corny."  Amanda groaned.  "Don't ever say stuff like that again.  Maybe you need to spend less time with Harry.  His corny jokes are rubbing off on you."

 

Julie licked over her lips to try not to laugh.  "Oh, no, he's got a big lead in that department."  She dished herself a bit of the appetizer while they waited for the main course.  After dinner, they stuck around for a few more glasses of wine. Amanda's phone had been ringing all through dinner, and she finally decided to check on it.

 

"It's Niall.  And he keeps calling.  Why isn't Harry calling you?"  Amanda asked digging for her phone in her purse.

 

"Probably because I turned my phone off when I first got here."  Julie shrugged when Amanda gave her a look.  "What?  I'm with you, and Harry knows it. Who else would call me?"

 

"Jaime, maybe?"  Amanda answered.  The phone had stopped ringing by the time she got to it.  So she went to her missed calls to call Niall back.

 

"Yeah, well, anything he has to tell me can wait.  I don't need to know which cute boy he got to take him home."  Julie took another drink of her wine.

 

"Hey, babe.  What's up?"  Amanda asked into the phone when Niall answered.

 

"What are ya doing?  Where are ya?"  Niall asked her.  "I've called a few times."

 

"I know.  JJ and I went out to eat.  We've sat around and had a few glasses of wine.  I think the waiter took a liking to JJ.  We're being treated really well."  Amanda suppressed her laughter when Julie stuck her tongue out in regards to the comment to Niall.

 

"Really?  I'm sure Harry would love to hear that."  Niall raised an eyebrow at Harry.  "We'd like to join ya, if you don't mind.  Have a few drinks as a foursome before tomorrow's rehearsal dinner.  Starting tomorrow, it will be a lot of people all the time until we leave for the honeymoon."

 

"Ok, ok.  You don't have to go through a detailed explanation.  You and Harry can meet us."  She looked over at Julie as she said it.  She told Niall where they were and then said goodbye.

 

"He really can't live without you, can he?  Geez, one day and he's already crashing girl time."  Julie set her wine glass down.

 

"Maybe it was Harry's idea.  He's all in protective mode and doesn't seem to want anyone else to take care of you."  Amanda relayed.

 

"Not quite the case.  I didn't want you bothered with any of it.  Because you have a lot of good going on.  You deserve to have it stay that way.  And I'm struggling with everything that has happened."  Julie said quietly.  "And he's been amazing.  More so than I ever thought anyone could be.  Even him.  He understands me, sometimes better than I understand myself, I think.  I've put him through hell with these nightmares, and he never seems bothered."

 

"Why should he seem bothered?"  Amanda put her hand over Julie's that was resting on the table.  "JJ, he loves you, and these nightmares are not your fault, and not in your control."

 

"I know.  And like I said he's been wonderful.  He's held me when I've needed it.  He knows when to give me space.  He's kept it light when I can't deal with the heavy.  I honestly don't know what I would do without him."  Julie looked down at the table and took a deep breath letting it out slowly.

 

"Well, that was hard for you to admit, wasn't it?"  Amanda asked her with a laugh.  When Julie nodded yes, she squeezed her hand.  "I knew it would be.  But I'm also happy you're finally able to admit it.  Ever since the two of you have gotten back together, you both seem much more settled.  I know you don't like to depend on anyone else, but you can."

 

"Let's not fool ourselves anymore.  I depend on a lot of people.  You mostly.  I may pretend I don't, I may fight admitting it, but I do."  Julie brought her eyes up slowly to meet Amanda's.  "I've depended on you from the moment you said we should move in together.  Through everything.  You have always been the crutch that holds me up.  From getting settled in LA, to getting through nursing school, through my ups and downs with Harry and my complete breakdown with Johnny.  To you talking Niall into taking me in like some lost little puppy after you moved in with him.  You have never let me down.  Even though sometimes you may get a little too involved, I always have you.  You're the best person I know, Panda.  And I'm not sure I deserve you."

 

"God damn it, JJ."  Amanda wiped the tears from her eyes.  "Really?  Making me cry in the middle of the restaurant."  She stood up from her chair and walked over and pulled Julie up, wrapping her arms around Julie's shoulders.  "You more than deserve it.  And I love you. I always will."

 

"I'm not sure I do.  As difficult as I am.  But I can't be more grateful."  Julie hugged Amanda back and pushed the tears away.  "And there's another wonderful thing that happened."

 

Amanda pulled back a little to look at Julie's face.  "Yeah?  What's that?"

 

"I think I just wrote my maid of honor speech."  Julie smirked at Amanda.

 

"Damn it, JJ."  Amanda started to laugh through her tears.

 

"Why are we damning JJ now?"  Niall asked walking up to the table with Harry following just behind him.

 

"She's making me cry with overwhelming sweet words, and then turning into her sarcastic smart mouth self two seconds later."  Amanda wiped her eyes and gave Niall a kiss.

 

"Well, don't tell me you expected anything else."  Niall shrugged.

 

"I know, but for a moment, a small short lived moment, she was being a bit sentimental." Amanda looked over at Julie.  "It was kind of nice, while it lasted."

 

"My baby, sentimental?  Say it ain't so."  Harry walked up and kissed Julie briefly.

 

"It ain't so."  Julie responded sitting down on her chair as Harry pulled one up next to her.

 

"It is so."  Amanda countered as she sat while Niall got a chair for himself.

 

"Is not."  Julie replied back.

 

"Admit it, JJ.  You're becoming soft."  Amanda laughed when Niall squeezed her hand.  "What?  She just needs to admit it.  We were making progress before you two walked in."

 

"I'm not soft."  Julie pursed her lips.  "Take that back."

 

Niall picked up a fork that was still left on the table and pretended to hide it behind his back.

 

"Fuck you, Niall."  Julie kicked him in his shin under the table.

 

Niall laughed and put the fork back on the table.  "See, Princess.  Not soft at all.  She just bruised my shin."

 

Harry raised his eyebrows and looked down at Julie.  "Soft and sentimental?"  He pretended to look under Julie's arm and then behind her.  "What did you do to my girlfriend?"  He laughed and rubbed his chest when she backhanded him.  "There she is."

 

"Shut up, all of you."  Julie asked for another glass of wine.

 

"How many of those have you had tonight?"  Harry asked as he ordered a glass of water with a lemon slice.  When Julie gave him a look, he smiled.  "I'm driving.  Niall sent the driver home when we got here.  I agreed to drive.  Plus, it seems I'm going to be taking care of my inebriated girlfriend when we get back to the hotel.  And getting her through a hangover in the morning."

 

"I am not inebriated.  I haven't had that much to drink.  Just because I said some nice words to my best friend a couple of days before her wedding does not make me drunk."  Julie sat back and crossed her arms.

 

"Of course not."  Niall tried to suppress his laughter but couldn't.  "Maybe it's Amanda describing you as soft and sentimental has us believing you've had a bit too much of the good stuff."  This time it was Niall who rubbed his chest when Amanda backhanded him.

 

"You don't have to be here; you two crashed our girl time.  So, pick on her again, and I'll send you packing.  And we will sleep together in the hotel tonight, too."  Amanda scolded Niall.

 

"Shit, no.  Because if you guys have had that much to drink, I would be scared of the outcome."  Niall grabbed Amanda's hand before she could backhand him again.

 

"Niall!"  Amanda exclaimed.  She looked around the restaurant as she exclaimed it a little too loudly.  Luckily they were in Ireland where Niall wasn't an uncommon name.  "Stop.  Now.  I like it when she opens up to me.  You keep giving her a hard time, and she won't."

 

"Oh, please.  Like anything he says will change my mind."  Julie said waving off Niall.

 

"Maybe not change your mind.  But you won't speak it so freely."  Amanda looked over at Julie.

 

"Like they don't already know that I depend on you.  That you are my crutch through everything I've ever gone through since I've moved to LA."  Julie shook her head slowly.  "Everyone knows that, Panda."

 

"We do."  Harry put his arm on the back of Julie's chair and kissed her.  "You just have an unusual way of showing it.  And never saying it."

 

"She's getting married.  She's going to be part of another family.  And she and Niall will be a family.  And someday, they'll expand on that family.  Things change.  And I just wanted her to know how I felt before it did.  That's all."  Julie took a deep breath.  Now wasn't the time for them to give her hell about this.

 

Amanda reached out for Julie's hand and waited until Julie's hand laid in hers.  "JJ, I already told you.  You are my family, too.  And you always will be.  You are not losing me."  She watched Julie's eyes drop to her lap.  "Ok, you're killing me the past two days."  She got up and squatted in front of Julie and looked up into her eyes.  "There is no way you're losing me."  Especially after the past two days when Julie had seemed scared that's what was going to happen.  "And Niall knows better than to threaten our friendship.  He couldn't handle the consequences."

 

Niall looked at Harry before he addressed Julie.  "JJ, I wouldn't dream of separating the two of you.  Harry and I knew from day one that was never going to happen.  And you're not only Amanda's family.  You're mine, too.  I know change is hard for you.  But the only change will be that Amanda and I are husband and wife.  Nothing else has to change."

 

Harry looked at Julie and her reaction to Niall and Amanda's words.  She was struggling with feeling needy and really taking in everything the two of them were saying.  It was getting pretty deep for her to deal right now.  He nodded at Amanda and put his hand up to stop Niall.  "Hey, why don't we call it a night?  It's well past midnight anyway.  We've got a big two days ahead of us.  We should rest up while we can."

 

Amanda nodded at Harry.  "Yeah, that sounds perfect."  When they all stood, she walked over and hugged Julie.  "I'll call you later and let you know where to meet me.  You can help me make sure everything's set for the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner."

 

Julie nodded.  "Of course.  It's going to be a beautiful couple of days.  And like I keep saying, no one deserves it more than you.  Especially for putting up with me."

 

"Nope, not doing that again."  Amanda kissed Julie's cheek and hugged her again.  She let Niall help her into her coat and then walked out with him.

 

Julie looked up at Harry.  "I thought you were driving."

 

"Us, I'm driving us.  Niall hasn't really had anything to drink either.  I think he's saving it for his wedding night."  Harry smiled and helped Julie into her jacket.  He left a large tip and then turned back to Julie. "Your chariot awaits."  Harry put out his arm and let Julie take his elbow as they walked out.

 

Niall looked over at Amanda when he was driving towards the hotel room that they were occupying for the time being.  The house was a little crowded, and they needed a bit of privacy.  "What's going on in that mind of yours, Princess?"

 

Amanda smiled at Niall.  "Just, everything.  I kind of hate that JJ's convinced things are going to change drastically after we get married."

 

Niall took Amanda's hand.  "We both know that JJ gets worked up about things pretty quickly.  She always has worst case scenario running through her mind.  But it's not because of you.  She's scared of change, too.  We just need to be us, and she will see, in her own time, that we will always be there for her.  Especially you."  He glanced at her and then back at the road.  "She must have really said something pretty good to get you this lost in thought."

 

"Yeah, she did."  Amanda thought back to the conversation they'd shared.  To everything that JJ had said to her, but she wasn't ready to share them in detail with Niall yet.  JJ had said enough when she gave the cliff note version back at the bar for Niall to get the gist.  "Ok, so change of subject.  Tonight's the last night we can make love as an engaged couple.  Tomorrow, I'll be with JJ, and then we'll be husband and wife.  We should make the most of it."

 

"Well, that's quite the subject change.  But you don't have to tell me twice."  Niall grinned at Amanda as he pulled into the parking garage of the hotel.

 

While Harry drove back to their hotel, he knew it would be a pretty silent ride.  He didn't want to push Julie to talk about what was going on in her brain right away.  She always seemed to the outside world like she was secure and adjusted, but those who knew her saw her insecurities ran deep.  She hated change so much because most of the changes she'd experienced hadn't been good to her.  There were some good changes in her life, but it was hard for her to see them through the bad.

 

Harry came out of the bathroom and knew he'd find her standing at the balcony doors looking out into the darkness.  It was definitely a thing when she was struggling and trying to sort through everything.  He walked up behind her wrapping his arms around her waist and nuzzling his face in her hair.  "You ready to talk about it, yet?"

 

He watched her shake her head 'no', but then she turned around and buried herself into his chest.  He gently rubbed over her back and rested his chin on top of her head.  "Everything is going to be ok.  You'll see.  Things are different now.  Your friends are different now."  He took a small step back and lifted her chin to look at him.  "Your boyfriend is different now.  I'm here for you.  I'm not going anywhere.  Nothing between us is going to change."

 

"Of course it is."  Julie said pulling him back to her and holding around his waist tightly.  "Everything's going to change."  She continued when he rested his chin back on her head.  "But I'm happy for Panda.  I mean it every time I say she deserves it.  I'm just, it just seems like everyone is finding their place, but me."

 

Harry kissed the top of her head and then rested his forehead on it.  "You belong here.  With me."

 

"I know.  I don't want to even think about a life without you in it.  I just meant, people know what they want.  And I'm still trying to figure it out."  She watched Harry back up and take her hand.  He led her to the bed and sat her down in the edge.

 

"You just never see it."  He took her hands and kissed the back of them.  "You've gotten a late start because of things that happened in your past.  But, you've done so much."

 

"No, I've changed my mind a million times.  From work, to writing, to what I want to write, to you, and just everything."  Julie said closing her eyes and letting out a breath.  "I don't know what I want."

 

Harry stood up, helped Julie up, pulled the covers back and helped her into bed.  He pulled her tightly to him and let her lay her head on his chest.  "Do you want us?"

 

"Yes, Harry, but...."  Julie started.

 

"No buts, do you want to write?"  He asked her.

 

"Yes, but..."  Julie started again.

 

"I said no buts.  I could go on, but those are two things you know you want.  Stop being so hard on yourself.  No one has everything figured out.  You're not an anomaly even if you feel you are.  We all get why change is hard for you, baby.  But it's not always bad."  When she looked up at him with those sad blue eyes, he kissed her lips.  "Thing is, we can figure it out together."

 

"Until you're off promoting and touring.  Until Niall and Amanda are off doing the same."  Julie said quietly as she laid her head back on Harry's chest.  She knew she'd dream tonight, as she did every night, but she wanted to enjoy being in his arms while she fell asleep.

 

He knew she would look ahead to that.  But he never thought about Niall and Amanda also going off for his album and tour.  Now wasn't the time to ask her to go with him.  She would just think he was doing it because she felt lost.  A time would come soon where he would present her his case.  He chuckled to himself at the preparation he would have to do to get through that conversation.  "Don't look so far into the future.  We have time to worry about that later.  I love you.  Nothing will change that.  Ever."

 

"I love you, too."  Julie ran her hand under his T-shirt and rested it on his stomach.  In response she felt him move her gently from his chest and remove his T-shirt with one hand.  "Thanks.  You know I love touching your skin."

 

"And drive me crazy by tracing my tattoos with your fingers."  Harry kissed her forehead and settled back into his pillow.

 

"Yes, that too."  She reached up and kissed his jawline gently.  Then moved to place a kiss by his earlobe.  She smiled as she placed a kiss on his neck before he took over rolling her onto her back and proceeding to wear her out before they fell asleep.


	83. Chapter 83

Julie stepped from the car at Castle Durrow.Seemed she was the first one to arrive.The wedding party were set to have the rehearsal and then go straight to the rehearsal dinner.She opened the large door and stepped inside to the massive entrance hall. Julie was astounded, looking around and imagining men galloping on their horses through the doors and into the hall.Ireland had that way of bringing out the fanciful.She was greeted by the manager and her associate of the site and smiled at them.She listened as they went over the agenda of the day to her.Julie explained that Panda was supposed to be on her way and that everything seemed to be running on time so far.The manager took her back to the area where she and Panda would be getting ready today and tomorrow.Julie thanked her and set her bag aside.She took a deep breath and let it out slowly.One would think she was the one getting married the way she was feeling.

 

She turned and looked at the door ten minutes later when Panda hurried in with way too many bags in her hand.She moved towards Panda quickly and took some of them from her."Uh, are you moving in?"Julie asked her as she hung the garment bags on the rack.

 

"I couldn't decide what I wanted to wear, so I just brought my options.I thought I knew, but this morning, I couldn't decide."Amanda sighed setting her other bags down."And then, this is makeup and some shoes, because depending on the dress I wear, I have to have the right shoes."

 

Julie just stared at Amanda as she started to unzip the bags revealing her dress choices."You're insane.You do know that, right?"

 

Amanda raised her eyebrows at Julie."You know, JJ, you and only you can get away with that, right?"

 

Julie shrugged."Well, if I can't get away with it, what's the point of being your best friend?"She watched Panda stop and contemplate each dress."You're going to look amazing in anything you pick, so, why stress?"

 

Amanda squinted her eyes and glared at JJ."Oh, yeah?So, if you were me?Which one would you pick?"

 

"First, I'm not you, so that's not really possible.Second, we have totally different taste in clothing.And third, I would have only brought one dress today."Julie chuckled when Amanda crossed her arms.

 

"I'm warning you, JJ.You're gonna regret messing with me today."Amanda threatened.

 

"I'm sure I am."Julie laughed as she walked towards the dresses."But I suppose I know you well enough to make a decision for you.Since I'm assuming you won't allow me to play eenie-meenie-miney-mo."

 

"JJ, come on.It's not funny."Amanda whined.

 

"It's a little bit funny."Julie said looking through the dresses."I like the white one.With the silver and gold accents.I think it would look amazing on you.As would everything.However, since you're wearing a champagne color for for your wedding dress, I think it would be a great opportunity for white."

 

Amanda hugged JJ."How come I couldn't simplify it like that?!"

 

"Because you're you.And it's not what you do."Julie hugged Amanda tightly."Besides, I need to be needed for something."

 

"You're needed for a lot more than that."Amanda said zipping up the rest of the garment bags."So I don't change my mind."

 

"Out of sight, out of mind?"Julie smiled at Amanda."Panda.Relax.You are going to do just fine.We get a practice run.Then tomorrow it will be perfect.And even if things go wrong, even if things don't turn out exactly how you planned them.It will still be perfect, because you're marrying the man of your dreams.I will do everything in my power to make sure that things are great and that you don't have to stress about the details.But, as long as at the end of the day, you are Mrs. Amanda Horan, nothing else matters."

 

"I hate it when you're the reasonable one.That's never been in your job description."Amanda said sitting down on the small sofa in the room."Come have a glass of champagne with me before we get ready."

 

"Is anyone else coming to get ready with us?"Julie asked as she sat at the other end of the sofa.She rested her arm on the back and took the glass of champagne Amanda offered her.

 

"Nope.Everyone else is coming a bit later.It's just you and me."Amanda raised her glass to Julie.

 

"Your mom?Brother?Sister-in-law?"Julie tapped her glass to Amanda's.

 

"Later, JJ."Amanda set her glass on the table in front of the sofa.

 

"Don't keep your family away because of me.I wasn't trying to make you feel guilty when I told you I was scared."Julie sighed."Now I feel guilty."

 

"I saw them before I came here.They will be here in a bit, and I will spend all night with them, until we have our girl's night."Amanda shook her head at JJ."And I won't tell you again that YOU are my family, JJ."

 

"Yes, I get it, but it's your mom."Julie tried again.

 

"Who I just saw and will see again soon.For fucks sake, JJ."Amanda put her hand over JJ's on the back of the sofa."We have a short time to ourselves; can we not argue about it?"When JJ nodded, Amanda continued."I got you something."

 

"What?Why?You're getting married, and I barely have done anything because I had, as always, too much selfishness going on.My own shitty drama."Julie shook her head."You shouldn't have."

 

"I'm not even going to acknowledge that with any type of response."Amanda frowned at JJ.She got up and went to her purse.She pulled out a small box, came back to sit in the spot she'd just vacated and handed JJ the box."It's for you to wear.Tonight and tomorrow."

 

Julie took a deep breath and let it out slowly."You really shouldn't have."She stared at the box for awhile and then opened it slowly.She knew it was going to make her emotional, and she was trying really hard to push all her emotions aside today.She was right.Julie couldn't say anything for fear the tears would take over.

 

Amanda smiled when she saw Julie staring at the sterling silver necklace.A round charm with a smaller anchor and pearl charm next to it.Engraved on the round charm were the words 'Friends by chance, sisters by choice' and on the back were 'Panda & JJ'."You love it right?"When Amanda saw a tear land on JJ's arm she put her hand over JJ's.

 

 

 

"It's not fair."Julie said through the tears caught in her throat."You're not supposed to be giving me things, it's your wedding.And you definitely were not supposed to make me cry."

 

"Well, I wanted you to be reminded through this especially that you are a part of my family.You are my sister, whether you like it or not.And this will be hanging around your neck to prove it.It's important to me that you remember."Amanda scooted closer and wrapped her arms around JJ."I've been telling you this for a long time.And I wanted you to have it engrained in your mind.So, now you can wear it.You've been getting to me the past couple of days with your sadness.You need the reminders."

 

"I'm not sad.I'm happy that you and Niall are getting married."Julie pulled back and looked at the necklace again."I'm no where near sad about that."

 

"No, but you are sad.You're worried way too much that things are going to be completely different after the wedding.The only thing that's going to change is my last name.Nothing else changes."Amanda took the necklace and put it around JJ's neck, clasping it in the back.

 

"Everything changes, Panda.Everything."Julie grabbed the pendent between her thumb and pointer finger and played with it around her neck."Marriage is a big deal.And it's something you need to concentrate on.You don't need a boarder who can't figure her shit out to get in the way of you working through the learning curve of being married."

 

"I give up."Amanda threw her hands up as she got up."You're just going to have to see for yourself that nothing is going to change.Except you and your stubborn ass.Because you're going to realize that you're wrong."

 

Julie was about to say something back to Amanda when Amanda's mom and sister-in-law walked in.She closed her mouth quickly and got up.She opened a bottle of champagne and poured everyone a glass.Not long after Niall's mom and sister-in-law arrived as well.Everyone was super nice, but Julie couldn't help but feel out of place.Everyone seemed like family, and she barely knew these other extremely important women in Amanda's life.Well, she wasn't a very good girlfriend, so why would she be a great best friend?

 

Julie opened the door when the server knocked.She busied herself for a couple of minutes setting out the snacks they provided.She needed a moment to gather herself and calm her nerves.For the next hour and a half she tried hard to be everything Amanda wanted and needed.After some talk and food and a couple more glasses of champagne, the women started to get ready.

 

"JJ, you always look amazing, but let me do your makeup.I promise I won't over do it."Amanda walked up to Julie and looked at her in the vanity mirror.

 

"You're lucky it's your wedding."Julie said handing Amanda the brush she was using.

 

"It's just, you always do the same thing, and you look beautiful.But maybe it's time for a little change."Amanda stated starting to blend the foundation onto Julie's cheeks.

 

"Ah, so a little bit ago, you are concerned about me because of all the change happening, and now you think it's time for more change?"Julie raised her eyebrows.

 

"It's make-up JJ, not exactly life altering."Amanda rolled her eyes."So, is your dress black?"

 

"Good guess, but no.It's like a dark teal color.I guess that's how I'd describe it."Julie closed her eyes when Amanda started to apply her eye shadow.

 

"I'm proud of you.Seriously.See, already a change.A little color in your life."Amanda laughed."Stop scrunching your eyes.Figure out another way to show me you're annoyed."

 

"Shut up."Julie relaxed her face until Amanda was done.She stood up from the vanity to go get her dress.

 

"You're not even going to look at my masterpiece?"Amanda asked amused that Julie didn't even look in the mirror.

 

"Don't need to."Julie looked at Amanda."Oh, fine."She bent and looked into the mirror.Amanda had added a little color to her eyes, but kept it simple.She smiled into the mirror.

 

Amanda looked at the smile on Julie's face."Ah, she likes it.Impressive."

 

"What is with you today?Have we had a Freaky Friday moment?I'm emotional and sentimental, and you're a smart ass?"  Julie looked from the mirror over to Amanda.

 

"Well, we can't both be emotional and sentimental, so when you cut it out, then I'll gladly take over that role."Amanda walked over to grab her dress."But I may need to take it soon.So hurry up and change back to your smart ass, steady self."

 

"Yes, ma'am."Julie saluted Amanda as she took her dress out of the bag.

 

"There we go, see I knew you could do it."Amanda looked at Julie's dress."That's beautiful.Look at the details.I can't wait to see you in it.I bet you look spectacular."

 

"Not nearly as good as you."Julie smiled taking her dress with her to the changing area."But I like it."

 

"Has Harry seen the dress yet?"Amanda asked standing behind the changing screen next to Julie.

 

"No.Didn't think it was important for him to."Julie stepped into the dress and pulled the zipper up in the back."Has Niall seen yours?"

 

"Well, maybe, but considering I didn't decide on which of the 10 dresses I was wearing until I was here.It's quite possible that he wouldn't remember it."Amanda chuckled.

 

"That poor boy."Julie laughed as she clasped the dress behind her neck.

 

"Shut up."Amanda laughed."But thanks for letting me take over the emotional role so quickly."

 

"Anything you need friend, anything you need."Julie laughed slipping on her shoes.

 

A hour later....

 

Harry walked up to Niall in the ceremony area of the castle."Hey man, are you ready for this?"He gave Niall a quick hug.

 

"Yes and no."Niall laughed nervously."I mean, it's been a long time coming.We've been planning it for quite some time.But it just seems to have come up pretty quickly."

 

"Cold feet?"Harry asked looking around at the decorations."It's actually much less colorful than I expected."

 

Niall couldn't help but laugh."Right?Amanda was very specific about all of this.But I admit, as crazy as she drove me.She did a damn good job.She will tell you that I helped, but I did a lot of agreeing."

 

"This is a lot.But, you do call her Princess, so, I guess it's your fault she wanted a fairy tale wedding."Harry smirked at Niall.

 

"Yeah, yeah."Niall groaned."She deserves it though.I hope it all goes as she wants.Don't think you're going to have a fairy tale wedding?"

 

"First, we aren't talking about me and weddings.And second, if it were to be to Julie, only if I planned it and didn't tell her until the day of."Harry chuckled.

 

"Yeah, she's not the Princess type is she?"Niall shrugged.

 

"No, but we know why.She was never treated like one.I think she craves simple.And since my professional life is anything but, simple is ok for me."Harry admitted shrugging.

 

"So, are you going to ask her?"Niall pressed.

 

Harry shook his head."Nice try, but we aren't talking about it."He looked back towards the door when Louis and Liam walked in with their girlfriends."Well, the gang's all here.Let's change the subject."Harry hugged his friends, and then they all turned when they heard the girls walk in from the other door.He stood there with a smile on is face as he saw his dark haired beauty walk in with Amanda. 

 

Niall walked towards the girls and kissed Amanda."Wow, Princess.Look at you.You look beautiful."He smiled as he took in the dress clinging to Amanda's body.It was white with gold and silver leaf like detail which complimented her curves perfectly.The high neck with the open shoulders was alluring and sexy.The small open back showed just enough skin.Her hair up loosely and her make up applied lightly.  "This dress is amazing on you."

 

 

 

"Yeah, JJ picked it out.I still couldn't decide which dress to wear.You saw all of them laid out on the bed this morning."Amanda giggled and kissed him back.

 

"I don't recall this one.Whoever chose it, I approve."Niall smiled."Are you ready for this?"

 

Amanda looked around at all of the people there to celebrate her wedding to Niall.She teared up just thinking about it all."Yeah, this is amazing.We never get to have all of our loved ones in the same place.I'm a bit overwhelmed right now, if I'm honest."

 

Niall kissed her nose and put his hands on her hips."There's my sweet sentimental girl.You've been so set on planning you haven't really let yourself feel yet."

 

"Yeah, I needed to be.Especially when JJ's been so emotional lately.But she's now come around, so I can be the emotional one again."Amanda laughed as Niall chuckled."She's growing that one."

 

"Yeah. We may be able to cut the chord on her soon."Niall laughed when Amanda gasped."Don't hurt me. I was just kidding."He took her hand."Come on, the wedding coordinator awaits."

 

Harry seemed stuck in place as Niall walked up to greet the girls.Julie knocked his socks off every time she decided to go out of her comfort of black.

 

"Man, what is up with you?"Louis asked clapping Harry on the back."You ok?"

 

Harry chuckled as he felt his cheeks blush slightly."Yeah, you caught me."He looked over at Louis."We've gone through so much lately.It's just good to see her still smiling, still pushing forward.And things are as good as they've been with us.Plus, I mean, she's hot."

 

Louis laughed."Yes, she is."He became serious for a moment."She has gone through some shit.I'm happy for you guys, man.I hope it continues."

 

"What I've learned through all of this is to take it one moment at a time.Especially with this girl.I can't get too ahead of myself."Harry smiled and then looked back at Julie who was now walking closer to him.She really looked amazing in her dress.The dark teal color looked great on her.She usually wore black; he was accustomed to that.The last time he'd seen her in any version of teal was when she wore the dress he'd gotten her New Year's Eve in Tahoe.He loved this look.

 

Her dress hugged her body perfectly.The dress was short but had a longer overlay then went to her knees.The detail of the knitting and the design were equally subtle, and beautiful.He loved when her dresses showed off her shoulders the way this one did.It beautifully covered her chest and hooked around her neck like a handmade choker.Her dark hair hung over her shoulders large curls lying delicately on her shoulders.When she turned to speak to Amanda, he noticed the small straps, the only things covering her back.He loved her in an open back.He looked down at her feet and saw simple silver high heels.A single strap over her toes and a similar strap over her ankles.He reached for her hand when she stopped in front of him.Her blue eyes sparkling between her dark hair and make up.The color of the dress seemed to make them brighter than normal."Well, you look incredible."He slowly spun her around."I can't get enough."

 

 

 

Julie smiled as she felt the heat in her cheeks.When he looked at her like that, her body automatically reacted.He seemed to drink in every ounce of her, and his eyes always turned a darker green."Stop those thoughts.We are going to be apart until tomorrow night."

 

"Well, there's always a closet somewhere.Or, this is a castle.I'm sure there's a secret room we could discover."Harry whispered in her ear after he bent down and kissed her cheek.

 

Julie shivered when he whispered to her.His voice was full of lust."You cut that out."She pushed him away a couple of inches."Keep your distance."She took her fingers and rubbed the soft fabric of his shirt between her fingers."You know, just because I love you in all black doesn't mean you can't dress in other things."

 

"Well, I didn't know what color you were wearing, so I figured black was good and would match with anything."Harry took her hand as they walked towards Niall and Amanda and the wedding coordinator.

 

"Oh, we don't have to be that annoying couple that matches all the time, love."Julie shook her head.

 

"Not all the time.But now, is nice.So just be quiet.Since you love me in black, why are you complaining?"He tilted his head at her.

 

"Touché."Julie laughed as they stopped to get direction for the wedding rehearsal.

 


	84. Chapter 84

Harry stood at the end of the aisle with Niall and the rest of Niall's wedding party waiting for the girls to walk to them.  The door was still shut, and the girls still behind it.  They must need more direction then the boys, Harry thought.  Which made sense since they were just standing there.  Guess since the beginning of time women knew not to complicate the men's part.  Harry chuckled as he thought that's exactly what Julie would tell him if he was brave enough to ask her why it was the way it was.

 

"What's so funny?"  Niall looked around his brother standing next to him, to ask Harry.

 

Harry shrugged and chuckled again.  "Just thinking of what Julie would say if I asked her why they had more complicated instructions then we did during a wedding."

 

Niall laughed.  "Ah, all kinds of degrading, smart remarks come to mind."

 

"Yeah, but coming from those cute lips, I can't seem to get enough."  Harry grinned conceitedly.

 

"Oh, you got it bad."  Niall smirked.  "Wanna turn this into a double wedding?"

 

"Shut the f....". Harry stopped himself remembering where he was.  It wasn't a church, but it was close enough.  "Just, be quiet."

 

Niall laughed out loud.  "Yeah, you and JJ are definitely meant for each other."

 

"Yeah, we are.  So, just let it be how it is.  No need to push anything."  Harry took a deep breath hoping the door would open and Amanda's wedding party would start walking down the aisle to get him out of this conversation.  He wasn't sure whether it was him who was against the whole marriage thing or if he just assumed she wouldn't go for it.  He shook his head.  It was too soon anyway.  But damn his friends for continuing to put it into his head.

 

Niall watched Harry deep in thought and chuckled under his breath.  "Sorry man; didn't mean to make you think so hard.  You look just like your girlfriend does when she tries to ignore feelings she's having."

 

"Niall.  Shut.  Up.  I swear."  Harry whispered heatedly glaring at Niall.

 

"Shutting up."  Niall responded.  Those two were going to cause Amanda and him trouble for the rest of their lives.  Lord help him.

 

Amanda took the bouquet made with bows from the presents from her bachelorette party from Julie.  It's what they were using for the practice run.  "Oh god, this is really happening."

 

Julie raised her eyebrows.  "Uh, yes.  It's what you want, remember."

 

"Of course it's what I want."  Amanda whispered.

 

Julie couldn't help but chuckle.  "Panda, if anyone is ready for any of this, it's you and Niall.  You're already like an old married couple, who are raising a dysfunctional teenager."

 

"JJ.  Please, be serious."  Amanda shook her head taking a deep breath.

 

"I couldn't be more serious, love."  Julie put her hand on Amanda's shoulder.  "You've already proved that the two of you together can take on anything and conquer it.  Dealing with me for years has got to be the ultimate test.  Now, get ready because this is the only time to practice for tomorrow.  Take it all in.  It's going to go so fast.  You want to make sure you remember it all." 

 

Amanda took another deep breath.  "I'm still nervous."

 

"As soon as you see the love of your life at the end of that aisle, you will settle down.  He's the ying to your yang, and it will all make sense."  Julie stood in front of Amanda as the other members of the wedding party started their slow stroll down the aisle.  "It's going to be perfect."

 

Amanda took a deep breath.  "For someone who doesn't believe in forever, or happily ever after, you're being awful pushy with those such things."

 

Julie shrugged.  "For you and Niall, it all seems right.  For me, on the other hand, it just doesn't.  But that's been a discussion we've already had, and will probably have again in the future.  Not a discussion for right now."  Julie threw a smile over her shoulder at Amanda and then started her slow walk down the aisle.  After she took her first few steps, she could feel Harry's eyes on her before she saw him.  There was no other feeling like it.  She lifted her eyes and looked to the right to find him, and just as she expected, his eyes were trained on her intensely.  She smiled and then focused her attention back to the end of the aisle, still feeling his gaze boring into her soul.  She nodded at Niall and took her place across from him as she turned her attention back to the end of the aisle she'd just come down to watch Amanda.

 

Harry watched the women walk down the aisle towards him.  First Niall's assistant and then his sister in law and then Amanda's sister in law.  Everyone looked incredible, but he was looking for one in particular.  He understood Niall's choice of having his brother as best man, but the only reason he wished he was in that place was so that he could stand up with his beautiful girlfriend.  He had plotted previously that if he hadn't been able to get her back beforehand, he was going to try at Niall and Amanda's wedding.  His ridiculous notions had sounded better at the time.  He smiled when he saw Julie step forward and start down the aisle.  He never took his eyes off her.  When she lifted her eyes and searched him out, he smiled and she smiled back.  He watched her the whole way.  The thoughts running through his mind wandered places they maybe shouldn't have gone.  But someday what he saw in his mind, he'd see for real.  He had to make sure he timed it right though.  He kept his eyes on her as she took her place across from Niall, and when her gaze went back up the aisle, his followed.  Time to watch the bride.

 

Amanda took another deep breath, and then another, as she watched JJ walk down the aisle.  This was it.  She'd been waiting for this moment since she was a little girl, and she'd finally found the man for her.  One who accepted her without question.  No matter her mood or how much she complained, he just accepted it.  But it was finally here, and for some reason, it seemed just a bit more nerve wracking than she'd thought it would be.  When the music started, she began her slow march down the aisle with her father.  She was so glad he was able to make it for this, no matter how often they saw each other prior to this.  For some reason, she took in her surroundings, seeing Greg, Harry, Louis, and Liam and then turning to see JJ, her sister-in-law Sam, Greg's wife Denise, and Tara, Niall's assistant who Amanda had become close with through the past few months, before her eyes landed on Niall.

 

Amanda smiled as their eyes met.  The comfortable love she always felt with him washing over her body and calming her immediately.  Once she saw him standing there with his eyes glued to her, she lost all her nerves.  He was it for her; there was no doubt.  Her father leaned down and kissed her cheek before he put Amanda's hand in Niall's.  For the next half an hour or so, they ran through most of the ceremony, stopping and fixing the things that needed to be ironed out.  By the time it was over, Amanda was pleased with how the ceremony would go.  Maybe not perfect to the outside eye, but perfect for her.

 

Right after rehearsal, they headed down to the smaller of the two banquet rooms for the rehearsal dinner.  In comparison to the wedding and the reception, this was a very small, very intimate dinner.  Mainly immediate family and best friends.  The wedding party sat with the bride and groom at the main table, and the other guests sat at tables spread throughout the small room.  The colors of the tables matched the wedding colors of champagne and white.  A very subtle display of flowers and candles around the room.  They kept it pretty causal, and dinner went well, small words of congratulations and encouragement by family members and fiends.

 

Amanda grabbed her glass of wine when everything was winding down and went to go find JJ, only she was stopped by Niall.  She smiled at him and let him kiss her.  "What's up, babe?  I was just about to go find JJ."

 

"You're really leaving me for the night?"  Niall play pouted putting his hands on Amanda's hips.  "After letting me see you in this dress?  That's highly unfair."

 

"Tomorrow's dress is better, and I promise, I will let you get me out of that one."  Amanda smiled provocatively and shook her head.  "You act like we haven't had sex in months."

 

"I do not.  But one does get used to having a beautiful woman by his side."  He smiled at her and then kissed her.

 

"I know.  I love having a handsome man by my side, too.  I sleep best when I'm with you.  But it's JJ and me time.  I haven't had it in a long time.  And she needs it.  You know it's causing her some anxiety even though she won't admit it.  I've never seen her so sentimental.  Usually she just...."

 

"Says she hates everyone?"  Niall laughed.

 

"Yeah."  Amanda shook her head.  "I know it sounds like I'm treating her like a kid, but this is a big change for her.  Even though nothing is really changing, to her it seems it is.  Things aren't what they were.  It's not me and her against the world.  And you and I are making a bigger commitment to each other by getting married.  I'm guessing, because she hasn't told me, but I think it feels more final to her.  Like I'm moving on without her.  And she still won't admit, or commit to, something to far into the future.  I just need to do this.  For me as much as her.  I'd like to show her that she's still my best friend.  Marriage or not."

 

"Alright, Alright."  Niall let out a breath.  "You sure have a way to make me feel guilty even when I was only teasing you."  He chuckled.  "I understand.  I have you for 10 days in paradise.  JJ can have you tonight.  Just, try not to cuddle too much without me there."

 

"No, promises, love.  No promises."  Amanda laughed and kissed him.  She was telling him the full truth about JJ.  She really needed to be there for her.  Show JJ that she was still important.  JJ was strong, and she never showed anyone her vulnerability.  So when she had been SO vulnerable since she'd been here, Amanda didn't want to change any plans they already had.  "I just hope she accepts it.  Accepts the truth.  That she really isn't losing anything."

 

"It may take stubborn some time to accept anything.  But you know she'll get there.  I tell you all the time, you worry too much."  Niall wrapped his arms around her waist.

 

"I can't worry too much when it comes to her."  Amanda leaned forward against him.  "And you can't make me stop."  She closed her eyes and laid her head on Niall's shoulder as he held her and rubbed her back.  She really had the best of everything.  She was a happy girl right now.

 

Harry walked around the banquet hall looking for his girlfriend.  They'd been busy playing the good wedding party that they hadn't spent much time in the same vacinity tonight.  He wanted to see her before they went their separate ways.  She was still dreaming every night, and he knew that as much as she wanted to spend tonight with Amanda that the dreams would bother her if she disturbed Amanda the night before her wedding.  And he didn't want her to be so tired tomorrow that she couldn't enjoy the ceremony and festivities.  He hadn't spotted her when he saw the big doors that went out onto the veranda.  He smiled as he pushed the doors open and saw her standing there with her hands on the railing, hair blowing in the wind.  He walked up next to her and looked out over the sprawling estate the same way she was.  "Hi."  He said as he took in a deep breath of the cool fresh air.

 

"Hi."  Julie responded quietly.  She knew it was time to go back to the hotel with Amanda.  She knew tonight would be the night Amanda would find out just how bad her dreams, well, nightmares were.  There would be no way to keep it from her. She took her eyes from the grassy plain in front of her and looked up at Harry.

 

"You do realize that Amanda already is aware of your dreams, right?  That she knows you to well to think you'd be struggling any less after everything that's gone on."  Harry turned and leaned his back against the railing.  He reached up and moved a strand of hair that had caught on her lip and tucked it behind her ear.

 

"Yeah, I know, you shared when you weren't supposed to.  You didn't have to confirm it for her.  She could have and should have been able to just worry about her wedding."  Julie closed her eyes for a second.  "I'm scared, Harry."  She whispered to him.

 

Well, if that wasn't a loaded statement.  "I know you are, baby."  He pulled her so she was standing between his legs in front of him.  "But I think that whatever you think is a lot worse than what it's going to be."  He clasped his hands behind her back.  "This is new territory for you."

 

Julie shook her head.  "Don't make fun of me right now, please."

 

"I'm not."  Harry shifted but never let go of her.  "You're not used to being scared people will leave.  You're used to being scared people will stay."

 

"I'm not; it's not like that really."  She sighed.  "Ok, it's almost like that.  I'm not scared I'll never see her again.  It's just, I'm scared of the change it's going to be for me.  It makes me have to change.  Which may be a good thing.  But I just, don't have the same thing to fall back on."

 

"So, now you think what?  That you can't go to Amanda with your fears?  Your doubts?"  Harry shook his head.  "Baby, seriously.  She's still going to be there for you."

 

"I know."  Julie sighed.  She had promised she would always be honest with him from now on, but this just didn't seem the time to talk about it.  "It just seems wrong to get into all of this now when their wedding is tomorrow."

 

Harry sighed.  He knew she was right.  But he was always afraid to wait to talk to her when she was feeling something.  Because she would always come up with an excuse the longer she had to think about it.  "Maybe, but I think I should know."

 

Julie took another deep breath and let it out slowly.  "You're going to hate this."  She took a step back and started pacing the veranda.

 

"Yeah, I can tell, since you pulled away and started pacing at the same time."  He reached forward and grabbed her waist and pulled her tighter to him again.  "But I don't have to.  Just tell me."

 

Julie dropped her eyes to his chest.  "It's just, I'm trying to find a place on my own.  I can't really afford much, so there's not a whole lot of prime real estate.  And Panda, of course, doesn't think it's a good idea, living in an unsecured building, especially since I'm seeing you.  And she doesn't want me to go.  She also has a theory why I haven't told you yet.  And, she said she'll let me go when, well, when you and I get married.  So, I told her, never then?"

 

Harry shook his head as the words poured from her.  The way she paced her words when she was emotional, or scared, or nervous, he wasn't always able to follow everything.  "Well, seems we have a lot to talk about when all of this is over."

 

"No, we don't.  Let's not do that again.  Panda and Niall were ready to move in together, they are ready to get married. They are always 10 steps ahead of us.  We are not having another conversation about this.  The last time we did, I left a hotel on my own, and had a mental breakdown."  Julie pushed his chest with her hand and stepped back.

 

Harry sighed.  "Sometimes I wish your brain didn't work at warp speed all the damn time."  He reached for her hand and held it in front of him.  "Julie, things are different now.  We are different now.  Your past, whether it's with me, or Johnny, it's just that, your past."  He reached for her other hand.  "You're afraid not to have a place to fall back on if we don't work out.  I get that.  I've always known that.  But, if by some extremely odd chance we don't work, I would never let you be without a place to stay.  And neither would Niall or Amanda."

 

"Yeah, but it would be better if I had my own address.  My own place.  Because if we don't work out, then I don't want to be at Niall's, because I do not want to chance running into you again and again."

 

"Wow."  Harry closed his eyes and tried to remain calm.  "You've thought way too much about us not making it together."

 

"Everything always ends.  Nothing ever stays the same."  Julie said quietly to the ground.

 

"You're right.  It doesn't always stay the same.  And things do end.  To open up and make way for new things."  Harry put his fingers under Julie's chin and lifted it imploring her to look at him.  "I'm not saying that there will be a new me in your life, or a new you in mine.  But we will grow together as well as separately."  He leaned forward and kissed her lips gently.  "You're going to be surprised one day.  That no matter how much you try to push people away, no matter how much you try to keep your distance, some people just aren't going to go anywhere.  You made the mistake of letting me back in.  Now, you can't get rid of me."

 

"I didn't say I wanted to get rid of you."  Julie shook her head exasperated.  "If you don't like the way I deal, then back away until I do.  You can't change me.  Trust me, I've tried."

 

"I don't want to change you."  Harry sighed.

 

"I don't want to talk about it anymore."  Julie said stepping back from him.  "It's time to find Panda and go back to the hotel."

 

"Of course you don't."  Harry pushed himself off the rail.  "I won't push you.  I will always let you deal with things how you need to.  I didn't mean to upset you."

 

"You didn't.  Not really.  I'm having a hard enough time dealing with these mixed emotions.  I know I should be happy.  Because I love Niall and Panda together.  They are perfect together and for each other.  But I also feel like it's just the end of life as I knew it.  First Johnny is pretty much out of my life.  He'd have a hard time getting back in.  Then Amanda's marrying Niall.  You know I've never felt completely settled there before; now it seems like I shouldn't be there.  I'm not exactly sure what I should be doing.  Everyone says that I can make a decision and now do whatever I want.  But I don't know what I want."  Julie stumbled through.  "Just.  Can we do this after Niall and Panda leave for their honeymoon?  If we have to do this at all?"

 

Harry sighed and searched her face.  The emotional toll this was taking on her.  Damn that Johnny.  If he hadn't brought all of this up right before this damn wedding, it wouldn't be like this.  Someday that bastard wouldn't be the first thing Julie thought of when she felt lost.  Someday, he hoped she would feel more settled, more content.  If only he could keep Johnny away for long enough.  For some reason, Harry thought it wasn't the complete end to that saga.  "Of course, love."  He leaned down and kissed her lips, and then again.  "I love you.  And we can work through it no matter how long it takes."

 

"I love you, too."  Julie replied as she walked back into the banquet room.  She laced her fingers through Harry's when he grabbed her hand.  She felt like she made him a bit on edge.  Someday she'd be his happy instead of the bane of his existence.  Well, maybe she would.  He deserved so much more than her.  Her troubles had weighed on him way too much.  And maybe he should have been the one to keep her out.  She hated seeing the toll it took on his handsome face.  Yeah, she definitely had some decisions she needed to make, and she needed to make them soon.  She cleared her throat of emotion and put a smile on her face as she walked up to Niall and Amanda.  "Ok, Panda.  Time to put the boy away and come play with me for awhile."

 

Harry shook his head, Niall chuckled, and Amanda winked at Julie.  "Yes!  I've been waiting all night for you to say that!"  Amanda squealed happily.  "Although Niall's jealous and is trying to make me promise a whole lot of unreasonable things."

 

"Unreasonable?  Really, now."  Niall rolled his eyes.  "Seemed pretty reasonable to me."

 

"Like what?"  Julie asked rubbing her chin with her hand.  "No alcohol?  No cuddling?  No kissing?  No talking her into running off with me instead?"

 

"Yes.  To all of the above."  Niall nodded vigorously.

 

"I second that."  Harry looked between the girls.  "We know not to get in the way.  But maybe you could back off on the teasing just a bit?  I mean, we did witness quite a show not all that long ago."

 

Julie groaned.  "It was forever ago.  And if I can convince her to ditch the Irish lad and run off with me, you guys have no chance."

 

"Yeah, I wouldn't even try.  I'd admit defeat and lick my wounds."  Niall stepped forward and hugged JJ.  "You're the only one I'd be ok with taking her away from me.  But please don't.  I'd like to keep her.  And you too for that matter."

 

Julie kissed Niall's cheek, hugged him tight and then pushed him away.  "None of that crap.  I'm still trying to make her run off with me."

 

"Of course."  Niall laughed.  He turned to Amanda.  "Next time I see you, you'll be walking down that aisle to me.  And right after, I will be calling you 'wife'."

 

"Ok, stop that now."  Amanda sniffled.  "I love you, and I will see you tomorrow."  She kissed him and stepped back.  "Tomorrow.  That's crazy."

 

"It is.  And also perfect."  Niall kissed her one more time.  "See you soon, love."

 

While Niall and Amanda were saying goodbye, Harry turned to Julie.  "I know you'll have Amanda, but promise me if you need something you'll call me.  Please."

 

"I promise.  But I'll be ok for a night."  Julie smiled at him.  "Just keep your fingers crossed the dreams don't grip me so hard tonight.  It's been awhile since I've gone without you while I had them."

 

"I know, love."  He kissed her and hugged her tightly.  "If they come,  it's the only time I will encourage you and Amanda to cuddle."  He smirked at her eye roll.  "I'll see you tomorrow, love."

 

"You think you're so funny."  Julie took Amanda's hand when Amanda reached for hers.  "But, you're really not."  They both waved goodbye at the boys as they walked away.

 

"Those two are going to be the death of me."  Niall shook his head at Harry.

 

"Yeah, but what a way to go friend, what a way to go."  Harry grinned and chuckled.  He slapped Niall on the back and went to find Louis and Liam for one last guys' night before they married off the first of them.

 

So much doubt....

So much pain....

Wonder what decisions JJ has to make....


	85. Chapter 85

The morning of the wedding had finally arrived.  Amanda watched JJ playing with the makeup brush at the vanity set up in the dressing room at the castle.  She'd noticed JJ had been particularly quiet this morning.  Now that everyone from her wedding party was here to get ready, Amanda noticed that JJ had become even more quiet.  The night had been great.  They ate bad food from room service, had a few drinks, and then fell asleep together.  JJ insisted they only talk about the wedding and Amanda though.  Amanda was grateful that JJ was paying so much attention to her, but wanted to also get across to her at least one more time that she would always be JJ's best friend.  Always be there for her.  But every time she tried JJ would stop her.

 

Amanda walked up behind JJ and wrapped her arms around JJ's shoulders from behind.  "You seem more nervous than I do today."  She stated as she gazed at JJ catching her eyes in the mirror.

 

"Well, if I'm nervous or anxious, it automatically calms you.  It's how we work together.  So, I'm doing it for you."  Julie quipped looking back at Amanda through the mirror.

 

Well, JJ was on her sarcastic game, but Amanda could see the sadness in her eyes.  "Good comeback, but you're not fooling me."

 

"I'm happy for you Panda.  More than I think everyone realizes."  Julie put her hands on Amanda's hands which were still wrapped around her.  "Honestly, it's not even really about you, or the wedding.  If I didn't have this right now, I'd probably have been locked up in an institution already.  The after affects of the trial just aren't getting easier.  I need this happy to try and counteract it all."

 

Amanda sighed.  "You should have told me you're still struggling with that."

 

"I just did."  Julie put the makeup brush back into her powder and started blending it into her cheeks.

 

Amanda stood up and went and leaned against the vanity looking down at JJ.  "Before, smart ass."

 

"I didn't want to make you worry.  Or take this time away from you.  As I've told people multiple times, my shit will still be around when you come back."  Julie reached out and touched Amanda's hands.  "Seriously, I'm extremely happy that you're getting married, that I'm here for it, and that I get to be a part of my best friend's day."

 

"Not just day, but life."  Amanda bent and kissed JJ's cheek.  "Why don't you let the professionals handle your make-up?  It's what they are here for."  Amanda squeezed JJ's hand and went back to sit at the other vanity.

 

Julie nodded and set the brush down.  Whatever Amanda wanted.  She watched in the mirror as her make-up was being applied.  She'd kept from everyone how much she thought about that trial during her waking hours.  Harry, Amanda, and Niall knew about the dreams, but she was able to convince them that it was only her subconscious that wouldn't let go of Johnny. But in reality, she thought about it most of the day as well.  How she didn't think this was over.  How she saw that look in his eye when they were dragging him out, that look she knew all to well.  He would be obsessed with getting back at her.  And since he couldn't do it by asking for money, he'd do it another way, and think he'd get away with it.  It was how people like him worked.  Never thinking they would be caught.  She wasn't even sure if he knew that his behavior and actions were wrong.  She felt safe here, but going back to anywhere in the States was causing her lots of anxiety.  The authorities had taken away his passport, but traveling within the US wouldn't be an issue for him.

 

Julie shook her head lightly as the words from the girl applying her make-up broke through her thoughts.  Julie nodded when the girl repeated her question.  "Oh, yes.  It's beautiful, I love it.  Thank you."  She turned and looked at Amanda who was getting the final touches done.  "You look absolutely beautiful."  Everyone was wearing make-up, but it looked very natural.  Everyone looked incredible as the make artists highlighted the women's best features.  "It's all very elegant.  Everyone looks great."

 

"Yeah, wanted the focus to be on the wedding itself and not the aesthetics of the make-up, or even the colors and decorations."  Amanda smiled.  "You look beautiful.  Everyone does."

 

"Very much so."  Julie smiled back at Amanda.  It was getting so close to wedding time.  "How about one last toast with just us girls before the day gets too hectic."  She walked over and poured the chilled champagne into glasses.  She held hers up, and everyone followed suit.  "To Amanda.  There's no one more deserving of a fairytale ending than you are, my friend.  To health, love, and pure happiness."  Julie clinked her glasses with everyone else and took a drink.

 

Amanda wanted to argue that JJ was also deserving, but figured it wasn't the time.  "Thank you all for being here for me.  It's been a whirlwind couple of years, and I'm so glad to have all of you with me through it."  She gave everyone a hug before they started to get into their dresses.

 

After Julie was in her dress, she helped secure Amanda into her wedding dress.  There was a lot of dress, but it was a beautiful, light champagne pink and it fit Amanda perfectly.  The dress had a strapless top and hugged Amanda's body like a second skin until mid thigh where it cascaded behind her in waves of tulle like Aphrodite rising from a sea of foam.  It was cinched at the waist with a intricately detailed pearl belt.  The whole effect was simple but elegant.  Julie gave a deep sigh and stepped back and looked over Amanda from top to bottom.  "It's perfect.  I'm going to go check with the wedding planner to make sure that everything's set, and she doesn't need anything."

 

Julie walked out into the hallway and let out a breath.  It was a great morning, and everything was running perfectly.  But she couldn't shake this feeling of dread washing over her.  She walked down the hall noting that all the decorations in the castle looked incredible.  She found herself at the entrance way to the castle and heard raised voices.  So, maybe this was the dread she'd been feeling.  She rounded the corner to see Louis arguing with some woman who seemed to be trying to get in.  She walked up to Louis.  "Louis?  Is there a problem?"  She asked staring pointedly at the woman.

 

"No, no problem, Florence here was just leaving."  Louis said giving the woman a look that Julie hadn't seen from him often.  She imagined it would be a look his children would get from him when they were to listen without question.

 

When Florence responded to Louis, 'Like hell I am', Julie turned to Louis for explanation.  "Explain."

 

"JJ, we will get her out of here."  Louis started matter-of-factly but realized quickly it wasn't time to mess around with JJ.  "She's an old friend of Niall's.  But right now, seems she's forgetting the 'old' part."

 

Julie put her arm out as a barricade when the Florence chick thought she would simply walk around Louis on go in.  "Louis has asked you to leave, probably a lot nicer than I'm going to.  So, unless you were personally invited, which I'm guessing by the scene you are making you weren't, you should turn and walk away."

 

Louis knew this could possibly go very wrong if JJ found out the extent of the relationship between Niall and Florence back in the day.  "JJ, how about you let me handle this, and go back to Amanda?"

 

"Yeah, not a chance, Louis.  But nice try."  Julie stood in front of the doorway.  "I won't ask nicely again.  I am not above making her leave."

 

Shit.  Louis thought.  This was not supposed to happen.  He'd wanted to have this taken care of before the girls came out from dressing room.  Niall and Florence had been seeing each other on and off before Amanda.  Apparently, Florence didn't think Niall had chosen well when he'd decided to marry Amanda.  Louis did not want to be the one to explain that to JJ though.  "Nothing else matters except Amanda getting ready to walk down the isle."

 

"Yeah, again, nice try.  No one is going to come disrupt my best friend's wedding because of jealousy or some sense of entitlement."  Julie crossed her arms.  "I'm guessing she thought she'd be the one he'd choose?  But, he didn't.  So she should just suck it up."  Julie glared at Florence.  "I suggest you turn and walk away, before security comes and escorts you away."

 

Florence was getting red in the face and decided she would just try to blast past Julie like a hurricane wreaking havoc on the coast.  But Julie wasn't having it.  She grabbed Florence by the arm and spun her around.  "Hell no.  You aren't going any where near that hall."  She hiked that woman right down the stairs in front of her.  "Get the hell out of here and don't come back."  Julie handed her off to security and warned them that if they let Florence back in then they would have to deal with her.

 

Louis watched JJ walk back up the steps holding her dress up as she climbed.  "Sorry, I really wanted to handle it."

 

"Yeah, I know.  But no one is going to ruin this wedding.  Not on my watch."  Julie said letting go of her dress and smoothing it.  "Any more ex-girlfriends, lovers, friends I should know about?"  Julie asked looking pointedly at Louis.

 

"Nope, not that I know of."  Louis took JJ's hand and pulled her inside.  "You don't have to stand guard."

 

"Oh, but I will."  Julie said to him.  She stopped when she heard Harry's voice.  She turned to look at him as he asked what was going on.  "Oh, just Hurricane Florence thinking she can come change Niall's mind."

 

Harry watched Julie stomp away back down the hallway and looked at Louis.  "Uh, Hurricane Florence?"  He shook his head and listened to Louis tell the story.  He figured Florence got off lucky if that's all Julie did was walk her away to security.  For Amanda, Julie would have personally restrained anyone trying to get in the way of Amanda's happiness.  "Well, we are needed now; it's about that time.  Thanks for trying to head off the trouble."

 

"Yeah, no problem, I thought I was going to have to bribe law enforcement not to take JJ away after she went off on Florence.  So, I'm glad it turned out alright."  Louis chuckled.

 

"Yeah, nothing ruins a wedding like a locked up maid of honor."  Harry laughed as he and Louis went and met Niall, Liam, and Greg.

 

Julie walked back into the room by Amanda.  "So, everything is set.  Are you ready?"  She asked Amanda smiling at Amanda and picking up her bouquet.

 

"Yeah, I'm ready.  Are you ok?"  Amanda eyed JJ.  She looked a little rosy in the cheeks.

 

"Yep, I'm good.  Ready for this to happen.  Time to marry you off."  Julie handed Amanda the bride bouquet.  "Let's go do this."

 

Amanda followed Julie but could tell something happened.  But she knew she wouldn't get the answer now.  Amanda stopped in the hallway outside the big wooden doors.  She took a deep breath and smiled at her dad walking up to her.  This was it.  She would be Mrs. Niall Horan before she knew it.  Never in a million years would she have anticipated this happening, but it was the best moment of her life.  She was the luckiest girl in the world.  "Let's do this."

 

Niall walked out of the back room and planted himself by the altar.  It seemed like he'd been with Amanda forever and that they'd been engaged for a long time, and that this was exactly how it should be.  But his palms were sweaty, and his nerves were getting the best of him.  He looked out over the crowd gathered for him and Amanda and couldn't help but smile.  All the important people in his life were there to celebrate their love.

 

The wedding march began, and Tara started walking down the aisle just like they'd rehearsed, and Niall finally let out a slow relaxing breath.  He smiled at Tara and then watched Denise and Sam follow her.  He saw JJ step into the aisle and glanced at Harry who as he suspected, had his eyes glued on JJ.  She looked beautiful in her grey floor length dress.  Her hair in a fancy updo, long ringlets loose around her ears.  Her dark hair always in contrast with her bright blue eyes.  When the music changed, he knew it was time for Amanda to start her slow walk towards him.  And a few minutes later, they would be husband and wife.  It was a long journey.  But they had finally made it, and with their best friends and family there, it made this ceremony of their love that much more special.  He took in a sharp breath when he saw Amanda in her dress.  She was stunning.  She was beautiful every second of the day, but she truly looked like a Princess walking to meet him.  The dress was fit for a goddess, and it was a dress he would immediately think she would choose.  The way the top hugged her body while the bottom flowed out behind her fit her personality perfectly.  And a splash of color instead of a traditional white dress.  He smiled and accepted Amanda's hand from Amanda's father.  He raised her hand and kissed it when her father answered 'I do' when asked 'who gives this woman to this man?'.  Niall helped her step up next to him.  "You look stunning." He whispered

 

When Amanda stopped before Niall with her father, she glanced over at JJ who had tears in her eyes.  She knew eventually JJ would get fully into this wedding instead of thinking too hard about the after.  After her father gave her away, she let Niall kiss her hand and stepped up next him.  When he told her that she looked stunning, a tear fell from her eye.  "Thank you, you look so handsome."  This was it.  The moment she'd been planning for, and now it was happening.  She thought back over JJ's words she had told Amanda yesterday.  That she should take in every moment because it would fly by.  She took those words to heart and took in everything around her.  She stood with Niall and stared into his gorgeous blue eyes as the officiant went over the ceremony.  They each had written their own vows and promised each other they would be short and meaningful.  She handed JJ her bouquet and took Niall's hands as he started his vows to her.

 

Niall cleared his throat as he looked into Amanda's eyes.  "When I first starting writing my vows, I felt a lot of pressure, I am the writer in this relationship.  But the more I thought about it, the more I realized I just needed to say what I felt.  What I've promised to do since I fell in love with you shortly after we met.  I have to catch my breath to believe this is real, that I am marrying my true love, my heart's desire, and my best friend.  To you, I promise to cherish and share in everything with you.  Not just for this moment, not for an hour, or day, or year - I will always love you.  You've made me happier than I thought possible.  In ways I didn't know existed.  I vow to you to be your friend, your lover, your confidant, your rock, your supporter, and anything you need for the rest of our lives.  I love you, Amanda, thank you for agreeing to marry me today.  Thank you for agreeing to be a part of me, my family, and my crazy friends lives.  I couldn't ask for anything more.  From this day forward, I vow to remain faithful, honest, and work everyday to make you as happy as you've made me.  I love you, Princess, and I always will."

 

Amanda looked down at the ground for a second as Niall's words hit her.  She had felt lucky the moment she'd met him, but every day he surprised her.  Her heart felt so full it could burst.  He was thanking her?  She should be thanking him.  She squeezed his hand and then took the tissue from JJ.  "I need a moment after that."  She sniffled and chuckled through her tears a little as everyone laughed.  She took a deep breath and raised her teary eyes back to Niall's.  "I'm pretty sure I can't top that.  But I'm gonna try."

 

Amanda took another deep breath.  "From the moment we met, I knew there was something special about you.  First, the way you took to my crazy, best friend when she was admitting you to the ER, to the way you never walked away through the crazy.  When you supported me through my ups and downs.  My crazy plots and ideas, and even through the planning of our wedding.  You never disappointed me.  Even when I was being unreasonable."  She smiled into his eyes and took a shaky breath.  "There's no one in my life who I have believed loved me more completely than you do.  So, please don't thank me for marrying you.  I am the one who got lucky.  I am the one who is grateful that you hobbled into my life that one strange night in the ER.  I regret nothing since that moment.  Thank you, Niall, for showing me complete love and devotion.  And thank you for bringing me so completely into your life.  I will love you forever, my Prince."  Amanda couldn't help but chuckle under her breath when she heard JJ sniffle and swear quietly under her breath.  Her sweet, vulnerable JJ.  She was finally able to say that, but probably not for long.

 

The officiant went through the traditional 'til death do us part' vows, and both Niall and Amanda said 'I do'.  The cheers erupted through the castle when he pronounced them man and wife, and the hoots and hollers were unmistakable when Niall kissed his bride.  Amanda turned and hugged JJ before taking her bouquet back and walking down the isle hand in hand for the first time as Mr. and Mrs. Niall Horan.  Amanda couldn't stop smiling or the happy tears as they walked out the doors and waited to greet the guests as they exited.  She hugged every one of the wedding party and then held on extra tight when she got to JJ.  Before she'd met Niall, she'd never thought she'd get to this place in life.  Marrying the man of her dreams with JJ by her side.  She remembered that she and JJ said they'd run off and get married if neither was by the time JJ turned 30.  There was a time Amanda thought it might happen.

 

"You did it, bestie.  You are married to your true love.  You are now officially Amanda Horan.  It's going to take me awhile to get used to that."  Julie said hugging Amanda tightly.  "The wedding was perfect.  I'm so happy for you."

 

Amanda pulled back as her tears started flowing harder again.  "So many emotional words today. I can't take it."  She wiped her eyes.  "I even heard you sniffle during the vows."

 

"Allergies."  Julie said winking at Amanda.

 

"Thanks for trying to lighten the mood, but it's just how it is.  I've never been happier, and without you here, it wouldn't have been perfect.  So thank you, for making it everything I ever wanted."  Amanda held Julie's hand and squeezed it.

 

"Ok, enough of that, a lot of people want to congratulate you before pictures."  Julie said pushing Amanda to her spot.

 

"In other words, stop trying to make you cry?"  Amanda laughed wiping her eyes again.

 

"Exactly."  Julie nodded.  She hugged Niall when he came up, and before he even started, she shut him down telling him if he even attempted to make her cry, they'd have to search for the groom because she would bury him.  Niall laughed loudly and then went back to his place by Amanda.  Julie took a deep breath and looked over. She felt Harry's eyes on her before she even turned to him.  She smiled as he looked at her, but he was soon interrupted by the well wishers making their way through the line.  After what seemed like hours, the guests finally made their way to the banquet hall for some drinks before dinner while the wedding party went for pictures.  The background scenery looked like a page out of a fairy tale, in keeping with Amanda's vision for the wedding, and even though Julie hated being in front of a camera, she found herself having a good time.

 

Towards the end of the photos, Amanda had Harry and JJ pose for a few with her and Niall.  They were always going to be the fearsome foursome in her mind.  It was fun.  They switched partners, did silly poses, and at the end, Amanda looked in awe at the way Harry admired JJ's down-turned face.  Someday JJ would see what the rest of them saw.  Harry was completely in love with her.  Seeing that, her day could not have gotten any better.

 

Afterwards they made their way back inside.  The wedding party walked to their table and sat down to have dinner with the rest of their family and friends.  Right before they walked in, Harry stopped Julie.  "Hey, baby, how are you doing?"

 

"I'm good.  The day went perfectly.  They're married and couldn't look happier."  She looked up at him.  "What?  Did you think I was going to object to the wedding?"

 

"No, I figured when you removed Florence that you had no intention of having the wedding stopped for any reason."  Harry said kissing her lips.

 

"Yeah, well, she had a lot of nerve."  Julie responded shaking her head.  "But it doesn't matter, because Amanda doesn't know, and I'm not telling her."

 

"Nope, Niall neither, and I agree."  He pulled Julie close to him.  "Sorry, we've gone a long time apart."

 

"Well, there will be times when we are apart longer, so I suggest you get used to it."  Julie said melting into his arms and laying her cheek on his chest.  She closed her eyes and let out a breath.  She'd let all her thoughts go today, to concentrate on the wedding.  They came flooding back to her when Harry held her.  She needed to get through the dinner and dancing before she could let her thoughts control her again.  After Niall and Amanda left for the honeymoon, then she could figure things out.

 

Harry sighed quietly and rested his head on top of hers.  He hoped they wouldn't be apart for long.  He was hoping he could convince her to tour with him.  At least most of the time.  He heard her talk about getting her own place, and he knew she was prepared for him going off on tour without her.  But he would ask.  Maybe tonight.  Maybe while she was still open to the love this day brought.  "Doesn't matter.  I want you with me when we can be together.  And I can't wait to take you back to the hotel with me tonight."

 

"Yes, Romeo.  Let's go eat and dance the night away with our friends."  Julie said stepping back from him.

 

"Ok, Juliet."  He chuckled.  "Well, if that doesn't work out well."

 

"Don't even think about it, Harry.  You will not be referring to me as Juliet now."  Julie scolded him.

 

"Always spoiling the fun."  Harry smirked at her.  "You look beautiful today.  The dress suits you, the makeup is light and I love that. I love seeing you natural, and you're hair looks so different."

 

"It's a wedding; even I have to clean up for that."  Julie said taking his hand when Harry offered it to her. 

 

Harry walked Julie to her seat next to Amanda and pulled out her chair, sliding it in gently after she sat down.  He walked past Niall and sat in his seat.  His best friend was married.  It had been a crazy thought not all that long ago, but now it felt so right.  All of it felt so right.  He smiled at Niall and Amanda's loving glances at one another and then glanced himself at Julie who was talking to Sam.  Maybe it was time he had a plan.  Maybe it was time he determined what to do about his future with the girl he loved.  He raised his glass for the first toast of the evening.  Yeah, maybe it was time.

 

Oh my!!! The wedding has finally happened!!There's only 1 more chapter left and then Free is complete!

Such a bittersweet feeling!

Thank you for coming on this journey with me!!

Stay tuned.....


	86. Chapter 86

The wedding reception went smoothly, and the party was in full swing.Soon, Niall and Amanda would be off to start their honeymoon.It had been a whirlwind of a day.So much beauty, but so much action.It flew by for Julie.She had taken a break from dancing with Amanda to grab some water.She hadn't had much to drink tonight. She knew drinking would make her feel even more off, instead of making things seem better.She closed her eyes when she felt Harry nuzzle her neck from behind.They had been so busy that they hadn't spent a whole lot of time together tonight."You better be careful; my boyfriend has a bit of a temper."

 

Harry chuckled."Back to that, I see?"He wrapped her tightly in his arms and pulled her back against him."You've danced with basically everyone but me tonight.I might be feeling a teeny bit jealous."

 

"You don't dance."Julie said placing her glass of water on the table.

 

"I'll make an exception for a beauty like you."Harry leaned down and kissed her lips."Come on."He pleaded moving in front of her and pulling her towards the dance floor."It doesn't even seem like dancing when I get to hold you tightly in my arms."

 

"Such a smooth operator you are."Julie smiled up and him and let him wrap her in his arms."This song is a little too fast for this."

 

Harry huffed and pouted."But, it's how I want to dance with you."

 

"Next song."Amanda said grabbing JJ's hand and pulling her over to the group of friends she was dancing with.

 

Julie laughed and shrugged back at Harry.Not much longer and Amanda would be gone for 10 days, and there would be no interrupting her for anything while she was on her honeymoon.Julie danced around throwing her arms in the air and singing along with the song.She grabbed Amanda's hand and spun her around.It was a lot of fun, and she was enjoying the time she got to spend with Amanda right now.

 

Niall walked up to Harry and patted him on the shoulder."Having a good time?JJ seems to be."

 

"Yeah, it's been a great time, a great wedding.You should be very happy at how it turned out."Harry put his arm around Niall's shoulder for a moment."And now, you're tied down to the old ball and chain."

 

"Oh, I wouldn't let Amanda hear you say that.Or JJ, for that matter."Niall shook his head laughing.

 

"Good thing they are out there, dancing in front of everyone."Harry chuckled."They aren't paying any attention to what we're saying."

 

"Still a brave soul."Niall elbowed Harry gently in the side."Speaking of JJ..."

 

"She'll be fine.Don't worry.I've got it.I've got her; you should know that."Harry dropped his arm from Niall's shoulder and looked at him."Just go, have a great honeymoon, both you and Amanda.Things will be fine here, or LA, or wherever we are."

 

"I know. I do."Niall shrugged."But you also know how much my wife will worry.Especially since your girlfriend decided to be an emotional mess the whole time she was here.Think it freaked Amanda out a little."

 

"Wife.Wow."Harry smirked."How does that feel?And yes, I know she will be concerned, but it will be your job to distract her enough where she doesn't worry.If she has time to worry, you're not doing it right."

 

"Shut up."Niall laughed, although he always enjoyed Harry's teasing."I will keep her busy.But she'll still worry.Just take care of JJ, huh?She has seemed to be a bit more emotional here than she ever has shown before."

 

"Yes, Dad.I'm sure she'd appreciate your concern."Harry laughed when Niall glared at him."What?Julie says it all the time, figured it'd apply to me too in this circumstance."

 

"Fuck you, Harry."Niall raised his eyebrow at Harry."Or I'm going to tell you that you can no longer date my daughter."

 

"Oooookkkkkkk."Harry exaggerated."On that note, I'm going to ask my girl to dance."

 

"You don't dance."Niall laughed but walked with Harry towards the girls.One more dance with his wife before they made their way out.Time to leave for that honeymoon.Red eye flight to Greece.He was so looking forward to this.

 

"That's what Julie said, but as I told her, I'll make an exception to hold her."Harry smiled as they reached the girls.

 

"So, very sweet."Niall batted his eyelashes at Harry and laughed when Harry punched his shoulder."Dance with me, wife."Niall said to Amanda holding his hand out to her.The song had slowed to Sam Cooke's 'Bring It on Home to Me'.

 

Harry bowed with one arm hugging his stomach and one hand out to Julie."May I have the honor of a dance?"

 

Julie smiled and shook her head."You're such a dork."She slid her hand into his and stepped up to him when he pulled her closer.She clasped her hands behind his neck and looked up at his face.Such a great man.No matter the problems they had, he was always a great man.He'd put up with a lot of her shit in the past few years.And she couldn't shake the feeling that he deserved more than she could give him.Maybe ever.He loved her so completely, and she struggled daily with how deep she could let her feelings run.With what she wanted out of a relationship, out of life.She took a hand and ran her thumb over his cheek."You look tired."

 

"It was a long night last night.Last night with the boys before one of us was married.It was time, but it's also a big deal."Harry mimicked her movement and ran his thumb over her cheek.

 

"Yeah, nice try.I know it's because of me.One night wouldn't cause these bags under your eyes."Julie sighed."It's my issues, and my dreams that are causing you not to sleep, and never be able to relax."

 

"Don't.Please.I want to be there for you."Harry leaned down and kissed her lips lightly."Listen to these words: 'bring it on home to me'.Everything.Just bring it home to me.I will be there for you in everything, in every moment."

 

Julie nodded and rested her head under his chin as they swayed together.That was the problem.He would take on everything in his professional life, in his personal life, and then also everything that she struggled with.Which was basically everything.He would eventually wear out from being so strong.She didn't want to do that to him.He'd done so much for her already.Eventually, he wouldn't be able to take everything, and she would break him.She would break everyone in her life since she couldn't control her own life.He just deserved so much better.

 

Harry closed his eyes.He knew she was keeping things from him.The way she was feeling, what she was thinking.He understood that this was a huge change, and along with the trial, it was overwhelming, but he was afraid of what all her internalizing was going to lead her to do.He rubbed over her back gently until they were interrupted by the DJ stating that it was time for the Bride and Groom to leave.He took Julie's hand and walked her outside so they could be a part the human tunnel leading to the limo waiting to take Niall and Amanda to the airport.They were led to the end of the tunnel closest to the limo.Just before the newlywed's parents.He looked down at Julie and saw a tear escape her eye."We'll be good, they'll be good, and you can talk to Amanda as soon as she comes back."

 

"I know, Harry.It's not that."She quietly thanked god for Amanda reaching her before Harry could question what it actually was.She wrapped her arms tightly around her best friend."Today was the perfect day.I love you, and your honeymoon will be absolutely perfect.Forget everything, and just enjoy yourself and your husband.The real world will be waiting when you come back."

 

"You'll be ok?"Amanda hugged JJ as tight as she could and then pulled back and looked at her."Like, seriously ok?"

 

"Of course.I'll be here when you get back."Julie kissed Amanda's cheek."You deserve this, Panda.More than most.Please enjoy it, and try not to think of me at all for the next 10 days."

 

Amanda gave Julie the eye."Ok, I'm not sure I won't think of you at all.But why do I feel you're up to something that I should be aware of?"

 

"What?You've done enough.You just got married. Go have a honeymoon where you don't worry about me.Let me be unselfish for once in my life without questioning me."Julie hugged Amanda and kissed her cheek one more time."Don't keep your husband waiting."

 

"I have so many questions.And in 10 days you will answer every one."Amanda hugged JJ again."I love you."

 

"I love you too, now go."She pushed Amanda towards her mom.She barely pulled her hands away when she was engulfed in a hug from Niall."Oh, Lord."Julie kissed Niall gently and looked him in the eyes."You won't be gone forever, and I'm old enough to take care of myself."

 

"I know.I was just hugging you goodbye."He hugged Julie tightly one more time."Take care of Harry for me, would you?I know how much he's going to miss me."

 

"Yeah, sure Niall.How much did you beg him to take care of me?"Julie shook her head."Don't answer that.Just make sure you don't let Amanda think about me or worry about me while you're gone."

 

"That's what Harry said."Niall laughed."We'll see you soon, JJ.Remember, we'll be back for you."He kissed her cheek and waved to her and Harry before saying his goodbyes to his parents and his new in-laws.He climbed into the limo with Amanda as everyone clapped and cheered.Niall put his arm around Amanda's shoulder and leaned in and kissed her and then kissed her again deeper."So, wife, how did we do?Did your day live up to your childhood dreams?"

 

"Husband," Amanda sighed happily."It's going to take time to get used to calling you that, but it went above and beyond any dreams I could have had.Mainly because I honestly never could dream up a man as wonderful as you are."

 

"Well, I concur.I never thought I'd meet the woman that goes beyond expectations so early in life."Niall winked at Amanda.

 

"See, just perfect."Amanda giggled.She leaned her head on Niall's shoulder."All joking aside, today was perfect.I couldn't have asked for anything more.Everyone kept things running, and the little hiccups were managed quickly.And I can't believe we are married.It doesn't seem any different though, the way JJ made it seem, it would all change as soon as we were officially married."

 

Niall laughed."Well, first we know better than to listen to JJ, and second, I'm supposed to keep your thoughts off of JJ for the next 10 days.Should we start with your distraction now?"Niall leaned over her and ran his hand up the mountain of a dress Amanda still had on.

 

"Oh, shit."Amanda laid back."I think I can live with that."She barely got out of her mouth before they consummated their marriage in the limo before they even hit the airport.

 

Julie walked around picking up presents and putting them in piles for the family to take home for Niall and Amanda.She couldn't believe the night was finally over.Well, mostly.Niall had paid for the guests to be able to stay and drink and dance for another hour or so after they left, but Julie just wanted to get things cleaned up and leave.She wanted to make sure that everything was taken care of for Amanda though.She did one last sweep of the banquet hall and picked up a box of gifts.

 

"Hey, let me do that.The guys and I can carry them to the cars."Harry said taking the box from Julie's hands."Once we're done, we can head back to the hotel, ok?"When she nodded, he leaned in and kissed her."I can't wait to be alone with you."He smiled as he walked away.As he made a few trips to the car with Louis, Liam, Greg and a couple other friends, he watched Julie thanking and speaking to other guests.He saw her hug and comfort both Niall's mom and Amanda's.Why she didn't think she was comforting, or unselfish, he would never know.He grabbed his suit jacket and wrapped it around Julie's shoulders when he was finished."It's a little chilly out there, but the car is waiting.Are you ready?"

 

"Yes, of course."Julie smiled and waved to the family again.The family.They are all family now.Niall's and Amanda's combined.She took a deep breath and then took Harry's hand when he reached out for her."You sure you don't want to stay?Spend some more time with Louis and Liam?I can go back myself."

 

"I want to go with you, baby.Don't try to make me stay."He walked with her outside and pulled the jacket tighter around her shoulders.He opened the car door for her and then climbed in beside her.He wrapped his arm around her shoulders and pulled her tighter to him."You cold?"

 

"Yeah, it definitely dropped from the last time I was out here."Julie said snuggling up to Harry."It was an amazing wedding.Everything went so well."

 

"Minus Florence?"Harry asked raising an eyebrow at Julie.

 

"Please, there was no way I would have let her ruin Panda's day with Niall.Mine, maybe, but not Panda's."Julie took a deep breath."She didn't stand a chance."

 

"No, she didn't.Not when it comes to you protecting your friend.Same way she would protect you.I've been on the opposite side of Amanda's wrath when she's protecting you.It will never happen again."Harry kissed Julie's temple.

 

"Don't try to be cute."Julie said closing her eyes."I can't believe it's over.So much has happened since that engagement dinner so long ago."

 

"You're right."Harry got out when they pulled up to the hotel and helped Julie out."And there's so much more life to live.So much more for us to do, together.You, me, and our friends, together."He walked her to the elevator and pushed the button to the top floor."You'll see, Julie, things are going to continue forward for all of us.There are so many good things to come."

 

Julie just nodded.She clenched her jaw and swallowed the lump in her throat.So much had changed.So much had gone wrong.There was good.But it was hard to see through all the bad.She felt like everyone grew up but her.She was still stuck in the same past she had always been.Hurting everyone in her path.Especially those who showed her more love than she ever deserved.When Harry opened the door to their room, she stepped in and let him take his suit jacket from her shoulders.She walked to the couch and sat down and removed her shoes.Her feet were so sore from the day, but she didn't care.The wedding was everything Panda had wanted it to be, and Julie was so glad that she could give that to Panda.It's the least she could do.

 

Harry saw Julie take the shoes from her feet and rub over her toes.He sat down beside her and patted his legs.When she shook her head no, he grabbed her feet anyway and put them on his lap."Come on, you women worked so much harder than any of us.The least I can do is rub your feet for you."

 

"You don't have to."Julie protested.It did feel good though.His hands were like magic.She leaned back against the arm of the couch and closed her eyes.When he stopped, she looked up at him to see him removing his rings from his fingers.She closed them again when he started rubbing over her feet again."You're way too good for me."

 

"I'm not, Julie.I make just as many mistakes as anyone.You should know that well."He worked his way up her calf muscle."You should just accept that we are good for each other.You do so much for me."

 

"Sure, I do."Julie sighed.She sat up and put her feet on the floor."You're a better man than most Harry, and you're much more than I deserve."

 

"Stop.No putting yourself down please."Harry leaned over and cupped Julie's cheek."We've done so well together, don't start doubting us now."

 

Julie closed her eyes and shook her head lightly."Ok, I'm sorry."

 

"Don't be."Harry took a deep breath and looked at Julie's face.Her eyes still closed, the lines between her eyebrows were deeper than normal which meant her face was tense.She was thinking way too hard about things."Come with me."He said before he could think too much about it.When she opened her eyes and looked at him, he continued."Come with me when I do the promo for Dunkirk, to the premieres, and come with me when I tour."When he watched her shake her head confused, he took her hands."I've thought a lot about this.You can write anywhere.Come with me."

 

Julie stood up and stepped away."I need to shower."She walked to her bag to grab some leggings and sweat shirt.

 

"Please don't avoid.Talk to me about this.I want you to come with me."Harry turned on the couch to look at her.

 

"I can't right now.Please."Julie looked over at Harry."Just let me take a shower, wind down a little.Get my head straight."

 

"Of course, just think about it, ok?"Harry sighed as she walked into the bathroom.She was deep into her head.He needed to tread carefully.Maybe he should have given her a few days before he asked her.He went to his bag and grabbed his clothes to change.He put his suit in its bag and hung it on the rack and looked at the bathroom door.He went to the desk and wrote Julie a note.That he would be back shortly.

 

Julie came out of the shower and didn't see Harry anywhere.She finally saw the note stating he'd run out to get something for their night together and that he'd be back soon.She looked over at her bags.She didn't have much unpacked.She sighed and looked around the room.All of the things that Harry did for her was too much.She wasn't worthy of any of it.He deserved someone who was happy and content and who could make him happy.She threw the rest of her things into her bag and threw it over her shoulder."I'm sorry, Harry.But I can't keep holding you back."She said to the empty room.She got into the elevator and made her way down to the lobby.

 

Julie walked up to the desk and asked if there was a way to get a car for her as soon as possible.She was completely confused when she was told there was a car there waiting for her.How would they have known?She questioned them, and they were insistent that there was one for her right outside.Julie hesitated but then walked through the doors, and there in front of her was a car, and Harry was leaning against it with his ankles crossed.She didn't know what to say.Her eyes filled with tears as she felt like a naughty child getting caught doing something she shouldn't.

 

Harry uncrossed his ankles and pushed himself off the car.He took the couple steps until he reached Julie and took his thumbs and wiped the tears that fell onto her cheeks."I know you, better than you think.For the past couple of days, you've been on the verge of running.Telling me you didn't deserve me, saying you were too much trouble."He looked down at her and put his hands on the side of her neck."So, if you're running, then I'm running with you.You give me your bag, and we will get in that car together, and we will drive for days if you'd like.But I'm not letting you go without me."

 

Julie stared, stunned at Harry.He knew her so well.He knew before she did that she was going to try to leave to save him from her.Her lips started quivering as the emotion spread through her body.How could he even know?

 

"So, what do you say?Or we can go back up to the room, and plan out where you want to go.And I will take you there.Anywhere, baby.Just let me help you get through this.We can do anything if we do it together."Harry rested his forehead against hers.

 

Julie held her breath for a minute.She didn't know what to think.She felt his forehead on hers and then felt his arms wrap around her.He said "please" quietly one more time, and then she threw her arms around him.How could someone know her so well?How could someone know before she did what she was going to do?"Can we just go?Can we just drive until we end up someplace we want to be?"

 

"Yes, my love, we can do that."Harry stepped back from her."I'd love nothing more than to make you happy.And to spend time with you traveling the unknown."He kissed her lips, took her bag, and helped her into the car.He already had his bags in the trunk.He got into the driver's side."You ready for the time of your life?"

 

"As long as it's with you."Julie said wiping her tears as Harry started driving down the road."As long as it's with you."

 

So that's it.....the last word of Free has been written.....

Hope you all stick around for the next installment....

Happily Ever After?? Will be posted as the third part to this trilogy soon....


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